Mistakes - mystics

Winged: Self-intimacy

Mistakes are the mystics - that's why I still do not understand - was cool to realise - as I saw VJ vlog as she singed - the sound I realised this for me as me.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to like, love mystics/mystical expreiences/mystic things - I have been diverted to being attracted my own myss takes to return and to re-experience to being able to realize the fact - that I judged myself - I judged myself, before I actually experienced myself in and as self-intimacy - that's why I wanted to hide/cover this dishonesty - so all my life was about mystics. And of course I manifested many mystical stuff - I manifested and created mysticism, I hinted mysticity, and I broadcasted the mystery of life - instead of being in and as common sense and actually see and understand everything what is already here.
I do not have to walk trough all shit - only what I do not stop unconditionally.
This sexual desire I let manifest quite well around me - now I am here within and as this system - and this is where I do not judge me - but as Winged - exploring Self-intimacy assist me sssssoooooo much - - I am able to not supress anymore - I am able to express - this desire - and in the expression I manifest relation-ship for a moment(if I) and I am becoming a part of an intimate relationship, before I actually let myself to become self-intimated - - because I did not let me to be in self-intimacy - so to cover this I let myself to want, manifest intimacy with an other human being - who is also never let her to be in self-intimacy - to support each-other to not being self-intimated, but other-intimated with sexual, and other relationship - - but the interesting part is it is coming from the mind-desire - to apparently fullfil this absence.
And even when I form a relationship - even if it looks real - it is simply not - and in that moment when it ends - when it conditionally stops - I realise the fact - this is not real. Why?
Because it is no more - but the desire is still here - and the desire is here, but I can not express - because it has no manifestation - again - it is an illusion. The desire is not real. And as I let me to desire, to move by desire, to become desire - I am not real. And this realisation at the end of the relationship what makes self frustrated, angry - that I am not real?

Theese words made me to realize - what I do - is to find a girl, and using the excuse to be one and equal, just to form a sexual relationship - - is not real - it is an illusion, what I tried to use as a role to hide the fact, that I never allowed myself to practically, continously being self-intimated.

Even if I realise the maze-nature of this reality - I see simplicity - I am here, I stop everything unconditionally what I realise that is not me.
And the knowledge, what is within me, about everything what is not breath here as the inner silence is not me - this illusion is useless - in practical moments, in those specific situations, what are holding, driving me, what are those, what I let myself to become by self-definitions: those are within me as me - those are what I have became - and as I express, and see the consequences, the manifestation - I realise the illusion nature - as actually that is not real - that what I do - is not real - not me - so I stop, not only by definition, but I stop as practially reveal, see, experience, understand what is not me - and I STOP. And if I not stop - it comphounds, until I get the hit about the exact same - how big has to be the law of stupidity within me what makes me to realise that is not me, and I STOP?
And this self-intimacy is self-exploration - as I let myself to stop what is not me(now I say for example desire), and as I stop, I actually see what is behind this desire, what and who I am who did hide behind this illusion and why - and that is also just a formed layer of the onion - but as I peel out the layers - I am being able to being self-intimated, practically HERE - and that makes me to being able to simply being in and as this body in silence - as I accept myself here, I experience me here - and as I experience myself here - I do not have to think, to feel - because I see myself - I experience myself - I do not have to judge, to make notation, to entertain myself, because I AM HERE - I accept myself, I am everything in oneness and equality here - and express that who I am - and that is me - the self expression.
This whole desire concept is about self-expression - - when I judge myself as "I did self-expression" - I separate myself from the experience - I separate myself from myself as myself - and manifesting some specific experience to realise this bullshit.
And as I express myself with and as the inner silence HERE - I release desire - I release the illusions - because I see, that is not me, I see that is not needed to experience the wholeness of me. Actually that was the self-dishonesty within me as me about to cover my truth: that I am self-dishonest, and I needed the desire to try to prove the opposite.
And this no-sex stuff is also totally related with this - with my beautiful and cute and exciting girlfriends - many times I just could not find the sexual desire - and of course I supressed, but sometimes I just let myself to express with music, painting, dance!!!! - and the last thing was to think about sex - and when those I definied as not being enjoyable, or were unavailable - or the supressions came to surface - - I desired the sex - and even the sex as was free-self-expression(I do not judge how it could be that, but anyway) - I did not wanted to do every day - but the past manifested to me - the girl wanted to do all the time - and I did not wanted - because I found other ways to express me(or I could apparently successfully suppress).
So now I do not judge - or if I see the judgement - I forgive myself and see into me - to find the core - I did some mails about some girls about how big fun would be to experience some free sexual expressions - - but in fact I already know what is this - and the law of stupidity is not this, about I already know something, but need to walk trough to realise the actual cause, the core - me.

To return the innocence of me - as me as to be in and as oneness and equality within me as me as all life - is to walk trough the already existed matrix layers and not judge - not to identify me in that as that - and simply realise that I am not this - I STOP. And as I stop I am realising and starting to experience that I AM HERE.
This sexual demon within me is extensively coming to surface and to not judge, to not supress, to not let driven by- to not define me as it - to actually see - that is just a system what I use(d) to cover the truth within me.
I STAND and I REMAIN AS THE SOURCE. No mind, no thoughts, no illusion desires - PROVE!

Test

Kezdem az egész testemmel, az egész testemként tapasztalni a jelenlétet. Sokszor rádöbbenek, hogy a fejemben létezem - van a homlok körüli 15 centis rész, ahol vagyok - gondolkodom, meg agyalok, meg néha érzek, és akkor bizsereg a gerincem, meg futkároznak ezek az érzések a testemben - meg persze amikor az érzelmek "átfolynak a testemen" - ezek nem rosszak, de őszintén, abban, hogy az EGÉSZ TEST legyek, EGY és EGYENLŐ vele, mint saját magam - az vagyok én. Az érzések, érzelmek, gondolatok mindig részlegesek, futó "kalandok" - sőt csak elterelik a figyelmet a TELJES jelenlétről - még ritkán van, de kb egy hete észreveszem, hogy amikor megyek, akkor az egész testemmel megyek - a lábam, a lábujjam, a combom, ahogy lép, ahogy történik a lépés, ahogy a törzsem tolom előre, ahogy a karjaim lógnak, mozognak, ahogy a vállam áll, ahogy az állam tartom, ahogy nézek, ahogy a fejem, ahogy a hátam tartom - EGY - ilyenkor TELJESen birtokba veszem a testem - ilyenkor valójában sokkal jobban ITT vagyok.
Eszméletlen - mi "kell" hozzá? Ön-elfogadás, ön-átölelés(egybefogadás), annak elfogadása, ahol vagyok, amit csinálok, annak megértése, hogy miért van az, ami most épp ITT van, ön-intimitás, nyitottság, abszolút ön-őszinteség. Látni, hogy miért és hogyan vagyok most éppen ITT - és ha már ITT vagyok, akkor tényleg legyek ITT - de ehhez az kell, hogy elfogadjam - hogy élvezzem(abból a szempontból, hogy megértem, hogy ez vagyok most éppen én, ezért ha nem érdekel, ha nem tetszik, ha nem tudom megtalálni a jelenlétemben azt, ami a figyelmem fenntartja), hogy ne engedjem(sőt ne is kívánjam), hogy a múlt jusson "eszembe", akár egyetlen gondolat erejéig - vagy hogy egy aprócska kis jövőkép se legyen "itt", hogy mi lesz, mi lehetne, vagy mi lenne jó, vagy akármi.
Tehát se jövő, se múlt - ITT, MOST.
Ekkor teljesen "birtokba" tudom venni a saját jelenlétem - a testem, a pillanatot, a körülményeket, ekkor belül csend van - engedem, hogy átfollyon a külső világ rajtam, és belül nem ingerel mozgásra - MAGAM mozgatom magam, nem engedem, hogy a múlt behatároljon, a jövő beindítson.
Eszméletlen érzés. Ekkor olyan, mintha az egész világ bennem lenne, mintha én lennék minden, mindennel egy és egyenlő - és mégis csak magam, csak ITT, csak most. Ekkor tényleg azt csinálom, amit akarok, sőt - azt csinálom, aki vagyok.

Persze van, hogy beakadok - hogy "felizgulok" azon, hogy húú, most itt vagyok, mennyire intenzív, mennyire jó - ezek belső reakciók - ezek el fognak múlni - ezek még jelzik, hogy nem fogadtam el teljsen, még ítélem, még próbálom definiálni, próbálom a múlt szemszögéből megfogni, hogy ez mi. Pedig ez megállítja - visszakerülök az agyamba. Én nem csak egy agy vagyok. Nem akarok GONDolkodni -

- ÉLni akarok, tudatába lenni mindennek a JELENLÉTemben - ez a PILLANAT.

Ez nem is akarás, ha akarom, nem megy - ha akarnám, azt jelentené, hogy nem természetes, hogy bele kell fektetni energiát, hogy tapasztaljam - az meg feltételes, fejből jön - én nem a fejemből jövök - persze az is én vagyok, a fejem, de ha ítélem a helyzetet, a pillanatot megragadom - akkor a pillanat elvész - és ittmaradok a definíciómmal egyként - csak akként a pillanatban - ez afféle apró ketrec - éppen most itt, ahelyett, hogy átölelnék mindent a jelenlétemben, az egész testemként ITT lennék - megragadok egy apró szeletet, és éppen arra fókuszálok - valamiféle definiált, múltból jövő ítélet következményeként.

Őszintén, ha tényleg, brutálisan, abszolút módon őszinte vagyok magamhoz, akkor én az vagyok, ami ITT van - és ha az vagyok, aki ITT van, akkor vagyok ÉN.

A testem mindig ITT van - akkor miért ne legyek a testem - elfogadom úgy ahogy van, merem felfedezni, merem szabadon mozgatni, merem rábízni magam, merem engedni, hogy szabadon lélegezzen, hogy szabadon ÉLjen, mert ez a szabad ÉLET vagyok én is - a FÖLDből van, minden atomja a TERMÉSZET ajándéka - ez vagyok én. Ezzel azonosulok, ezt tapasztalom, és ez fejeződik ki bennem, rajtam, általam.

Ha öntudatába vagyok a lélegzetemnek, ha átÉLem a lélegzetem, akkor ITT vagyok - a LÉLEGZET vagyok - nem lélek, nem energia, nem tudat, nem fény vagyok - ezek részek, ezek részletek - ezek töredékek - ezek elkülönülés - én MINDEN vagyok, minden ami ITT van, minden ami a JELENLÉTem - és ez most éppen a TEST

TEST

A testem a JELENlegi mutatóm, az, hogy KI VAGYOK ÉN, ITT ÉS MOST. Ezzé váltam, ezt kaptam, ezt fogadom el, ezt "veszem birtokba", de eközben a birtokbavétel közben realizálom, hogy ez igazából nem is az - ez inkább az őszinteségem kifejezése - ekkor tényleg merem azt látni ami itt van, merek eggyé és egyenlővé válni azzal, ami körülöttem van, és így velem egyként és egyenlőként irányítom.

Ami meg ebben a folyamatban "zavar", "fennakaszt", azt megvizsgálom, esetleg leírom, hogy lássam, mi lehet az oka - mert ha nem így teszek, biztos, hogy visszatér - hát nem mindannyiunk ezzé a folyton visszatérő folytonos "fennakadássá" váltunk - ezért nem vagyunk ITT.
Tehát ezek nem véletlenül vannak - ezek azért vannak, hogy megmutassák a pontos okait, következményeit annak, hogy miért nem vagyunk ITT.

Ajánlatos őszinteségben ezt megtapasztalni, megérteni, kinyílni - mi az oka - és aztán megérteni, megbocsátani saját magunknak, hogy ez butus dolog volt, ideje továbblépni, és aztán elengedni, ezt kifejezni és kész.
NEM elfelejteni - ha egyszer megértem, nem fogom elfelejteni soha - mégsem fog befolyásolni - s emlékszek rá gondolat nélkül, hogy ezt többé nem - ebbe nem megyek bele megint, mert már tudom, ismerem, megtettem(akár többször, százszor), és LÁTom, hogy butaság, ez nem az, aki én vagyok, és MEGHALADom.

És ez az a módszer, amellyel fokozatosan megértem, megtapaszalom azt, aki vagyok, eképpen "integrálódok" bele a JELENbe - a saját jelenlétembe, a saját ITTLÉTembe - ne kelljen jövő, ne kelljen múlt, nem kell GOND olkodni - csak kifejezni, tenni, mozogni, szabadon, ITT ÉS MOST.

Ebben nincs misztikum, nincs fény, nincs bölcsesség, nincs spirit - ez mind felesleges - ez a JÓZAN ÉSZ - ez az ami valójában vagyunk.

ITT VAGYUNK - ez a definíciónk - és ha már ITT vagyok, akkor ezt éljem is meg minden pillanatban, mert ha én az "itt" vagyok, akkor ha éppen a múlt, jövő befolyásol, akkor nem vagyok itt - akkor nem az van, ami, aki én valójában vagyok.
Ezért mind legyünk ITT:)

System system system

ExtraTreeStoreIAll

Ok I am exploring the high system - strange - I stopped blow my head with substances a half year ago but now I still catch this and I am greatful that I am getting pinpoint this - a bit like there is a big blanket and under I see something moves, but I can not see, just see that something moves, so slowly and surely I am pinpointing that rat under the blanket haha.
So. Straight right into the core.

Power and sex. Thats it and thats all. Money and sex and both are exactly the same. So all are money. MyOwnI. This is all about fear. Fearing that I am not able to express myself. Fearing that I am not able to remain here as who I am. This straight I've carried from tiny childhood - I am seeing that when I was little kid - I always saw all of family is about struggling. Struggling without money, and they are trying to literally grip some moments of their self-definied 'joy' as enjoyment as 'turning offness' from the struggling about and after the money system.
Watching tv, smoking cigarettes, drinking alcohol, cooking lots of meat, buying watermelon and icecream, buying videotapes about kung-fu and killer cop stories. And I was around and I saw as the basic principle of the membership of the family is to being able to steal moments to get my own moments to entertain myself until the 'work' does not says to me again that: SLAVE, NOW IT"S MY TURN - serving grandma, mother, doing wood job, garden stuff, going to shop, visiting father, waking up before 5am to go to school, teacher pushing to answer, being with other kids, and all of theese was for me as necessary shit for being able to get my entertainment moments.
And I accomodated, I acustomated and I complied - and the interesting part was that I had to do theese stuffs as my nature - because when I did as saying around "SHIT, this is shit, but I have to do this, for get my own entertainment time" - then others should say that I am not good - I have to do it as it is good - and I had to do it as "IT IS OK" - so I developed early this face - I showed that and supressed the anger, the fear, the desire.
And my entertainment was of course well definied by the had to do-s - - obviously was playing, doing things what definitely was forbidden, arousing myself with thoughs about girls and wanting to become powerful and rich...This was until around 12-14.
After that I simply realised that is not the way - as I saw the workers are working, but not going anywhere - I realised extended abilities about logic and thinking - and I used - I started to gain "points in the system" by my intelligence - and by this I determined phisicality as not so important - as in the school - on the papers - didnt mattered how much I was strong or weak - or shy or fearful - - I got the good points and others not really. Just using my thinking. Using my self-supressions to boost my mind to gain energy to become clever and still being able to play the system games about being cool cute boy, serving well the biggers, and when I could I enjoyed extensively my entertainment moments - in the begining that was big walks in nature, but after a while it changed as I got my computer - I learnt to programming, I learnt to understand how I can write programs in the machine in order to entertain myself.

Entertain. And the strange stuff is that I definied sex as entertainment - as divertion from my supressions - as I realised that when I am getting sexually aroused - I experienced this not really strength but some kind of boost - what I started to develop, find and maintain - how this worked? It worked as I started to boost my sexual desire as putting pictures into my mind - the intense focus to theese mind-based pictures, definition built up little loopy algorythms - I started to lost the focus from anything else - from the surroundings, from my inner separation - but only focusing to theese definitions - and energetic feedbacks - as the consciousness seeped out, sucked dry the pure life essence within my phisical body trough my energetic participation in theese feelings, emotions, based on theese specific sexual thoughts - the mind consciousness system got extra 'energy' to do some finetunes - as more supressions and generating extensive joy experience - but only for moments - and this is what now I am realising that theese moments are just moments - in truth empty moments as theese moments are just some specific picture moves - as for example I am a gate - and experiencing joy as noticing pictures going trough this gate - and I as this information gate - I am experiencing the joy as defining the picture what I move trough this gate - my mind perception - and as this information goes by - for a moment this gate is experiencing the energetic buzzing, what has been definied by myself as joy - and literally this has been going for a while.

And when I got opportunity to be with real girls - the system was in extensive shock - as one or two touches was enough to blow me away - only she just touched my penis and I orgasmed, when at the university my first girlfriend touched when I was around 18 - as in that specific moments I was preparing all the definitions going by this gate and as all desires were conditioned to a girl who IRL could touch and do - when it occured - all system just sent all theese energetic pictures trough the gate - the mind consciousness system gate what I became - and the gate of course had too much energetic vibrations, concentrated supressed emotions - had to release to not causing damage in the system - so released by orgasm.
And interesting to see how it 'became' solved this how it is called premature ejaculation - I had to became comfortable with the experience that she is touching me - and I remember needed some months to become stable and not orgasming anyway whatsoever, even when she experienced orgasm - I am stable, I remain - for a while I used another pictures to divert my attention - because the experienced moments was so intese by the all definitions came trough all the time trough this gate - and all supressed energetic desires and accepted and allowed habit to inmediately recreate them to still sustain my ability to divert my attention from myself as myself but remain in separation, not even experiencing me for a moment...so I tried to thing to a dead cat on hot stinky bitumen in a summer day(this I experienced much when I was kid), or doing a salto down from a halfly digged big tractor wheel) and hahahahahahaa theese I used so much time around 18-19 to divert my attention from her beautyful body as I am intercorsing with her and was too intense to not explode...
But after that also changed again - I found out the big joy is when I do not ejaculate, but the girl is. And again and again and again. And I definied as after 4-5 orgasm of the girl and I am still here without orgasm - and somearound there I experienced some strange joy - what was more than just energies going by this mind-gate(mind-gap) and for theese time sliced moments I could catch the definitions of joy -- - but somehow it remained - and my mind even just stopped doing this counting how much definied joy I am collecting - because obviously became spontaenously instant, remained and stable - - that was interesting of course and probably helped me in self-expressions. BUT the interesting part is that after all in general I did orgasm - and was cool, and of course THEN the comphounded energies and collected thinking, emotional and feeling charged systems lightinged out in a minute long madness.

So this is quite exact as I wrote down how I experienced this sexual system.
Now comes the substances - when I smoked - I started to experience less sexual desire - because of the supressions, and when I did - those just came up and was really cool - probably because of the release - and charge out.
And of course the another part was around this because of self-expression, and power and at the end probably about money.
So I experienced myself as ugly guy when I was little, only my eyes were specificly cute and the only thing what I could "USE" that was - and I stared with big blue eyes to girls and they even said 'oh so beautiful' - so like this I became the whore of my own eye LOL.
And I was skinny and very white - and maximally inhibited - I never could to look into a girl's eye more than a half second - when I did - my face became red - because of the mind started to work and define and define and define and supressions straight started to come up and I was fearful about somebody could notice how extensively I am fearful, desired, powerless, and messed up inside all the time.

So I formed a desire to being able to give all what a woman could want - because I said when I could have a girlfriend, I would give everything to her. Why? Specificly because of like that I could be sure that I deserve, and she would like me, and if I could become a man who could give an extensive joy for women - would mean that I could get what I wanted in my childhood.
So strange, but my motivation was to become good lover. So somehow I did. And as I did, I realised all is about spontaneous expression. But how I could forget my behaviour what is limited, programmed and probably boring - if I am fearful. So first I had to find the method what really stops the fear experience. So I used words. I used words to become tricky to speak to girls what they want to hear - and to do for them what they want to experience.

But all of theese was in separation - not even knowing who I really am, and not even wanting to give it up, because of the fear - and when the drugs came into perspective - all changed.
The smoke was one point, ans as I was stoned - I was ok, I stopped wanting woman, touch, sex. Because of the intense thoughts and using to find out definitions about reality, power - to being able to express me - - was trap 22 - looking after to being able to look after to get to being able to get - system loop.
So when I took acid - that was really big charge out - awesome experience as everything, literally everything stood by - and I remained - I, the confused, fearful guy who are pushing himself to face with the reality to being able to realise what the fuck is going on and what the shit I am doing.

And this switching off the mind by psychedelic drugs was bit similar then that specific event occured - when I was doing sex, and not orgasm - and I definied long time as the girl could get orgasm multiple times - that was quite long time(ok not always lol) and I experienced joy, even defining me as not orgasming - and this was quite interesting - but in fact all the time that was simply system release and for moments I was in peace with me within me - and all started again.

And back to here, now I am still here and I am still within and as this system: stopped drugs and slowly and surely I am seeing that I am hungry for wanting girl again, wanting to reexperience this sexual intercourse - inter connection - inter energy chargeout - not because I know that is who I am, not because I know that would assist me - - no ! simply becase I let myself around for a while and the self-discipline is not here because my presence is not here and I realise that I HAVE TO BE HERE - and I am breathing and I am experiencing that what is within me I am getting aware of those - and what I hesitated to forgive, to release, what I did not understood yet, what I still use for experience me as system - - those are when I am realising within me - no separation - - simply manifest - trough my expression behaviour pattern - as now I am catched myself again on wanting to find sexual relationship and building up this desire and starting to finding proper ways(not masturbate) to release theese energetic contstructs - but not totally, only for a while to become the experience of this sexual joyment - and after to form again this desire, and again and again and like this I actually never let, direct me to live - because my past is still here, still define me, and determine me - even as I know that I am life in and as oneness and equality and the simplicity without definiti0ns - always here...

Somehow I see it as process, but when I am in the moment using this definition(*this is a process*) - - that an excuse - in the moment as the moment when I am here - there is no process - there is no definition, there is no time - so exacly when I use this - I am dishonest from the perspective as using this as an excuse to not apply me as self-forgiveness, self-honesty, here, as silence.
Because of the accepted and allowed desire of 'freetime' entertainment separation concept is still here - What I must release, let go.

I forgive myself that I acepted and allowed myself to define me as entertainment.
Maybe parents definied me as entertainment - lol or just tried to define me like this.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to wanting to get power - not realising everything is already here.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire women as entertainment and power.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire to be good lover.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to wanting to prove something.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to participating in and as thoughts to form feelings and emotions to comphound energy what after inevitabely have to release because is too much for the mind consciousness system.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to became the slave of myself - not realising that this whole relationship of master slave is just merely a perception about how I should express - instead of being the presence as me as who I really am as being here in oneness and equality.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to became sexual demon within me as me.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to defining being here as intense - so obviously getting too much from the perspective of the mind by definitions - what are making the limits and embarrasing me to limit me.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire sexual relationship with woman beings.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to lie to myself as self-dishonesty.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to apparently lost me in consciousness for hours - instead of using my tools as me as self-forgiveness, writing, expression aloud.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hesitate to move me and let mind move.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define orgasm as joy separatedly from me.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think - instead of being 4 count breath to remain silent - to remain the silence as me.
I forgive mysself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge myself about thougts - instead of unconditionally self-forgiveness, self-corrective application.
I forgive myself that I accepted and and allowed myself to use mind to cheat with other people.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to yawn, to shut down, to not hear what I was about in the last moment.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to form personalities to being able to get my entertainment periods.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define me as entertainer. Entertainment.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desiring to participate in groupsex.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire to give multiple orgasm for women.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word: sex.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to let program myself trough the word: sex.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define me as joy. Instead of realising that I separated myself from the word - joy. Because of fear - fear of loss.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear of loss.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use past knowledge instead of being in and as moment as breath as presence as me in oneness and equality - allways here.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define that without knowledge and definitions I am not able to express appropriately. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear of judgements of others.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from not being able to express myself.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myselft to define me as tired, tiredness.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to realise that the mind is only what tired.
I am here I am life I am me I am stable. I am breath I am presence I am expression. I am the living word.

And t

Some AdDickt I on

This Add dick t I on is funny. I am addicted to my added dick I on.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to my own dick.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define sex as addiction.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define sex as getting tiredness.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define drinking coffee is getting tiredness eventually.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become eventual. With and within the event I equal= eventual. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to being directed trough events. I direct me here as breath. I am breath. I breath, I experience beings words with my fingertips. Sound expression.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to slightly judge me because of being innocence fun with stranger little kids - because of people, especially parents.
I am one and equal with kids. I am innocent. I am realisation. I am joy. I am not desire, I am expression. I am sound expression in oneness and equality as life here.

I direct me as who I am as self-honesty in self-intimacy.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to manifest past desires and in the moment realising that this is past manifested and I said - well, it is here, now I have to walk trough it - and it was definition - it was self-dishonesty - because I can simply stop. I stop - all stop.
As I stop - the past stops. But in big sexual desire what experienced because of hesitation of self-movement as self-forgiveness, self-intimated self- release - it comphounded, and stepped forth and became directive principle to show that I manifested, that is what I have to face, because it is separation, so I was standing front of the event - and I am here: and this here - ness was still here, but I stood under the manifestation of self-dishonesty and I was(still I am) within the relationship of the past-definitions about desire and women - and I was self-dishonest to just STAND UP and say I STOP HERE - and I knew that eventually will happen, but I played around the bush - was hope and was using the matrix polarity - this is not me - -
but I am not hard to me anymore - I am embracing - this is my accepted and allowed nature, and I stop, slowly but surely - I stop as much I can, HERE - without definition, without destination, without purpose - I do not need poor pose - I am here as all life as one as equality as manifestation of birthing life from the phisical.

Okkkaaaaaaay PIC FUN SHARE

Isnt this the Matrix? I see this where I sit at company...LOL

WIRED - The system to connect to;)

I found this --- No wiiing - no fly?;)

moments moments moments

I am here as self honesty. I write and write and write write write write write

I am not self honest as I am doing things what is not self-honesty by definition. Strange. But definition can not be self-honesty. So it is interesting.
I let me chased after women, even I was in some parties, and I let myself to fall to be driven by desire.
Interesting. I supressed to facing woman since 1 and half years. Let's see why.
Why I let me closed this part of my design?
Hmm
Lalallalallala
I am hungry. I am in hungary.
Hunger. Hun anger? Hungermongerbanger. BANG BANG.
Agression. Power. Desire. System, Blown.
I am greatful that I was fearful, and now I am seeing that I am on a process.
But it is a trap. I am in a process until I do not stop. And it is inevitable. And the process is done when I stop. And I let me stop by stopping me when the process is stops: I am here.
I had to lick around the bush for months until I understood - and strange - as I going under the understoodness until I am at the bottom and I stand as all as me as one as equal as life and I stand up and this is who I am - I am here.
So no more snickery snakery. Why I am hungry? Why I do not eat?
Because this desire to feed - this desire to take time for what I am desire - internet, chat, finding partner? looking out to find parties? Finding out how I could buy a new laptop without fall over and bleed financially again? How I could stop this?
This is practical responsibility. I am responsible for me.
If I spend money for shit - I spend money for shit. If I spend money for sort out my minus - that is who I am.
And when the guy who gave me much money to travel asia called me today about tomorrow he will come and catch me to get the usual money(400 euros/month) I experienced power.
I experienced power about shiting fucking messing demon about playing wtfness and telling him maybe I can not pay the whole amount, just some less. But in truth I went to party and I spent almost that what I said to him. And I knew that will happen, I saw before and I did go in.
Interesting. That is interesting. I am loosing me for a moment and after I define that as I did it so I learn by it so I will have to face with the consequences - this is system.
As I do something and for some moments-minutes it is still around - with some forthcoming standing out/up and moving self - could be corrected within the moment - but I let me define it as a 'manifested situation' as a 'lesson'. This is karma. This is bullshit. This is not taking responsibility, but using the polarity manifestation of fuzzy logic of system of matrix to hide.
This is not who I am.
APPLY SELF FORGIVENESS
Experience the being's words within the fingertips. Experience fingertips. Experience fingertips.
That's it. Experience breath as fingertips as presence as HERE.
When I am around people - I am playing to be here- and it is cool and it is happening but then the question is why I do motivate me with people to be here and why I defined to be alone is less?
Divinity. I definied divinity. I definied separation. I definied me. Why? Because I did not wanted to take responsibility for me within me as me.
I am here. I formed roles as rules and desires as motivations.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define desires as motivations.

I go eat...-I got a tomato. Awesome. Olive oil, smoked cheese and bread.

----
Ok now I did a chat with a hungirl, I gave her some computer advices and after just showed some pictures shes fun lol.
She showed a song what has some cool stuff, I write the lyrics, raw translate...

Now yet do not say anything, only if you made the choice. Do not say anything, until you do not understand what you have done. Still dont say anything, because you are not being, you did not come. Now we are not existing, only playing that we are living. Because this is not what we wanted, because what we wanted: we are afraid of. Now yet do not give what you have taken from other, Now yet do not say that then already you loved me. Now yet do not say anything, we will find words, whose from life arises, which do not end into the hell, when we birth each other, after a big breeding, then say that we did not late anything, what life wants from us. Now yet be in silence, because the road is running under us, running trees are covering wreckes, what we did not wanted to see, razed desires near us, between them spirits are roaming, who between the contact is stopped, only the facade what remained. Now yet do not try to fly, do not be squirming bird, be you the ranger, who finally finds to home, but me let's say I love you, so that's why I go away to not hurt you to not be more sin, because to love like this is not possible. if you will walk trough the door of existence, if will experience the no more will be meaningful what was the was, and what was why. one you will know surely, will be a message: there was somebody who loved you more than anything: i go away to not hurt you more, i go away because i love you i love forever

LOL

embrace!
STOP
HERE

I experience gracefulness when I type self-forgiveness.
As I type, I am that, I am one and equal with and as self-forgiveness.

I am self=forgiveness.
I have some tendency to write and to see a bit forward - but as I type I am here. I experience the keyboard, I experience the screen, I experience breath, I experience me. I experience self-forgiveness. As I express myself as this - I open me. Into me I see me as who I am - what I forgive - I am that. If I forgive everything what I participated in this world - I am free of this world. I am free of my participation - I am here.
Thank you.
Thank me.
Thank us.
Thank all.
Thank all as one as equal as life.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to try to be hard on myself.


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define me as playful.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define myself as mischievous.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define myself as responsible.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define myself as crafty.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define me as patient.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define myself as common sense.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define me as infinite child.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define me as freelove.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define me as now.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to de fine;) me as not dependant.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define me as solitudeness.
I forgive myselt that I accepted and allowed myself to define me as laugh.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define me as touch.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define me.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not being always here.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to enjoy myself as the presence of me as breath and being here in oneness and equality.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I should have move on outside torwalds something to find joy - as I definied joy outside from me - I separated myself from joy - instead of realising that I am joy here as the presence of me.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to play around the bush - instead of just step, do and act and be here and locate the silence as me as who I am.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define timeloop as enjoy.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define self-dishonesty as a source of joy of playing around - instead of realising that I am that what actually is HERE - in every single moment, no divinity - no definition. ALL WAYS here.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define some divine moments - separation.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to being shy.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from fail.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make myself aroused by thoughts.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself that I accepted and allowed myself to try avoid specific events, meetings - not realising that I am avoiding to face with myself within myself.
I am facing me as who I am as who I became as what I accepted and allowed myself to became HERE. And I face and I stand and I breath and I embrace and I am silence.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to move self as moment all ways.
I am here. If me as self as all as one as equal is not movement - it is stopped - I stopped - I let move mind - I move within and as the mind consciousness system - what is caused: self-fear - self-definition - especially fear of loss.

What I fear to loose - I already lost it, even can be seen if I am self-honest. So let it go. So let all go and I remain as silence as breath as the presence as me in oneness and equality.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define me as demon.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define me as joy as demon - mind. I am not this - but I became this trough my accepted behaviour. I stop. I forgive. I embrace. I stand.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to smile when I do not want to face with something - interesting, many times it similar than yawning.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become the male ego of the mind.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to play this rule of and as the ego of the mind to be able to survive, to be appreticiated.
I am here, I am me. I stand, I remain. I breath.

Self

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed an idea about self.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not take responsibility for me in every moment.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from myself.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from facing sexual system within me as me what is actually here. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to wanting to be alone, not realizing that is separation. I am me as all as one as equal here. No separation.
If I want to be alone - that would mean that I want to separate me from others.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire a relationship.
I forgive msyelf that I accepted and allowed myself to not wanting to face with this desire by supression. But it is already here, just have to release - have to realise - that I am the moment as breath as HERE - always. And systems could 'come', and can go, I remain.
I remain. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to wanting, desiring a sexual relationship, by predefinied picture presentations of mind images - what is already here - what is already driving all of humanity, what I already realised that is what keeps us enslaved of our own desire - and this is what has to be released.
But first stop supress - face with what is already here and by facing, understanding, realising, releasing, breathing, and forgiving myself that I accepted and allowed to became for a moment.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to let driven by system demons - for example money demon, sex demon, fear demon, what are showing my own accepted and allowed nature.
I am expression. I am here. I am facing with myself, and it is here.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire orgasm.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to supress the desire of orgasm.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that orgasm is helping me to release comphounded energetic systems - to get free of those - as a steam tap.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can be lost.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from becoming sick by seeking.
I am here, all is here, all is here as me as all as one as equal.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire to buy a new laptop, just because this old one is very slow and not good enough for maiking videos.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to doubt in me.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed some thoughts about I would not pay back the loans.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to procastinate. I am here I am expression. I am movement. I am self-honesty, I am self-forgiveness.

cooooooooooooool
I am self-forgiveness, I am self-unification. I am sure, I am here.
I am me and I am embracing all. I am unconditional love, I am unconditionally all word, no separation.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to separate me from my creation.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to separate me from words.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to wanting to escape from me.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from women.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from sex.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from breath here.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to realize me as breath as here as stability as me.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to forget my past.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to forget how I fast I was.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not bear myself and try to forget myself.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to trying to not being here.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to wanting to escape from here.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear death - as fear to be here.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use my phisical body to store my dishonesty.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear being always here as breath as moment here.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to being embarrased for that specific guy from the elementary school who was sitting next to me Sipos Tibi, because he was always more faster than me. The only one. And all others were more slow in running.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to compare me torwalds him.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think that once I was more faster than him. I even do not remember, but I catched this thought about once I was faster than him.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to use an excuse this mind consciousness system, about what I once experienced, reached, I definied me as it, and I lied to myself that I am done, I reached that, now it is here - instead of realising that was only one moment, what I reached only, just because of equalizing the other moments, just because of being stable in and as an excuse that I do not have to stand up, because I remember, once I did. But in truth while it is conditional, while there is separation in the manifested existence, until it is not done.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use my phisical body to separate me from myself - to try to separate me as dishonesty from myself in and as this human phisical body - with and as manifested systems.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself that I accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to take shit, just because of self-judgement, about what they should react - this is unacceptable. I am me as me as oneness and equality. People are conditional. People are systems. Oneness and equality as self-honesty as moment as HERE. This is only what is realy who I am. The expression of oneness and equality is who I am as life, in and as this human phisical body.

I forgive myself that I accepted and ALLOWed myself to experience this trepidity in my right calf extensively, almost like preparing to explode.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to face with what I accepted and allowed to manifest. I STAND I am breah I am oneness and equality as life as all here, no matther what.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to shut down. To not wanting to hear. Unacceptable.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to not trust me as moment as breath as expression as life.
I forgive myself that I never considered me.
I forgivve myself that I accepted and allowed to fear from pain.
I forgive myself that I acccepted and allowed this anti-silence within me. Unacceptable.
I am the silence, until I am not stabily silence - I am not located me as moment.
No one will do it for me. I have to silence my mind. I have to stand up as all as life.
Common sense. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to masturbate, even considering about masturbation.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to even to think about masturbate.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not being aware on some thoughts about sexual desires what I am already knowing will manifest inevitabely to face if I do not apply self-forgiveness, self-corrective application.
I am self-corrective application. I am self- movement. I am self-intimacy. I see that I am not desire. I accepted and allowed myself to become this system what is driven by desire - but in truth, who I really am infinitely - is life as moment as HERE as all as one as equal.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to scratch my head - indicating that I scretch my mind to operate, to precisely tune it to equate it due to the situation of 'my' actual now in consciousness.
I am not consciousness. I am not of consciousness. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to being influenced by consciousness - to became consciousness by letting myself to control within consciousness as consciousness.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to lie to myself that I am consciousness.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to lie to myself that to be in consciousness is allright. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from myself.
I forgive myself from fear from facing with my sexual desire.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not realise that by supressing I am manifesting, and I lied to myself that I am not aware of it - but in truth I already know myself, I experienced myself as driven by desire, so if I go back, that means timeloop is necessary - that would mean that I am stupid - that would mean I am still of consciousness what will inevitabely swirl down, what inevitabely mean pain what is not necessary.
I am me as life as oneness and equality.
I am greatful that I am existence, I correct me as expression, because it is the responsibility. That's why I am here, to express myself as who I really am. I was always waiting for this, and I was waited for the way, I was waited for the people, and now all is here. Time to move. I am move. It is here, it is done.