Mistakes are the mystics - that's why I still do not understand - was cool to realise - as I saw VJ vlog as she singed - the sound I realised this for me as me.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to like, love mystics/mystical expreiences/mystic things - I have been diverted to being attracted my own myss takes to return and to re-experience to being able to realize the fact - that I judged myself - I judged myself, before I actually experienced myself in and as self-intimacy - that's why I wanted to hide/cover this dishonesty - so all my life was about mystics. And of course I manifested many mystical stuff - I manifested and created mysticism, I hinted mysticity, and I broadcasted the mystery of life - instead of being in and as common sense and actually see and understand everything what is already here.
I do not have to walk trough all shit - only what I do not stop unconditionally.
This sexual desire I let manifest quite well around me - now I am here within and as this system - and this is where I do not judge me - but as Winged - exploring Self-intimacy assist me sssssoooooo much - - I am able to not supress anymore - I am able to express - this desire - and in the expression I manifest relation-ship for a moment(if I) and I am becoming a part of an intimate relationship, before I actually let myself to become self-intimated - - because I did not let me to be in self-intimacy - so to cover this I let myself to want, manifest intimacy with an other human being - who is also never let her to be in self-intimacy - to support each-other to not being self-intimated, but other-intimated with sexual, and other relationship - - but the interesting part is it is coming from the mind-desire - to apparently fullfil this absence.
And even when I form a relationship - even if it looks real - it is simply not - and in that moment when it ends - when it conditionally stops - I realise the fact - this is not real. Why?
Because it is no more - but the desire is still here - and the desire is here, but I can not express - because it has no manifestation - again - it is an illusion. The desire is not real. And as I let me to desire, to move by desire, to become desire - I am not real. And this realisation at the end of the relationship what makes self frustrated, angry - that I am not real?
Theese words made me to realize - what I do - is to find a girl, and using the excuse to be one and equal, just to form a sexual relationship - - is not real - it is an illusion, what I tried to use as a role to hide the fact, that I never allowed myself to practically, continously being self-intimated.
Even if I realise the maze-nature of this reality - I see simplicity - I am here, I stop everything unconditionally what I realise that is not me.
And the knowledge, what is within me, about everything what is not breath here as the inner silence is not me - this illusion is useless - in practical moments, in those specific situations, what are holding, driving me, what are those, what I let myself to become by self-definitions: those are within me as me - those are what I have became - and as I express, and see the consequences, the manifestation - I realise the illusion nature - as actually that is not real - that what I do - is not real - not me - so I stop, not only by definition, but I stop as practially reveal, see, experience, understand what is not me - and I STOP. And if I not stop - it comphounds, until I get the hit about the exact same - how big has to be the law of stupidity within me what makes me to realise that is not me, and I STOP?
And this self-intimacy is self-exploration - as I let myself to stop what is not me(now I say for example desire), and as I stop, I actually see what is behind this desire, what and who I am who did hide behind this illusion and why - and that is also just a formed layer of the onion - but as I peel out the layers - I am being able to being self-intimated, practically HERE - and that makes me to being able to simply being in and as this body in silence - as I accept myself here, I experience me here - and as I experience myself here - I do not have to think, to feel - because I see myself - I experience myself - I do not have to judge, to make notation, to entertain myself, because I AM HERE - I accept myself, I am everything in oneness and equality here - and express that who I am - and that is me - the self expression.
This whole desire concept is about self-expression - - when I judge myself as "I did self-expression" - I separate myself from the experience - I separate myself from myself as myself - and manifesting some specific experience to realise this bullshit.
And as I express myself with and as the inner silence HERE - I release desire - I release the illusions - because I see, that is not me, I see that is not needed to experience the wholeness of me. Actually that was the self-dishonesty within me as me about to cover my truth: that I am self-dishonest, and I needed the desire to try to prove the opposite.
And this no-sex stuff is also totally related with this - with my beautiful and cute and exciting girlfriends - many times I just could not find the sexual desire - and of course I supressed, but sometimes I just let myself to express with music, painting, dance!!!! - and the last thing was to think about sex - and when those I definied as not being enjoyable, or were unavailable - or the supressions came to surface - - I desired the sex - and even the sex as was free-self-expression(I do not judge how it could be that, but anyway) - I did not wanted to do every day - but the past manifested to me - the girl wanted to do all the time - and I did not wanted - because I found other ways to express me(or I could apparently successfully suppress).
So now I do not judge - or if I see the judgement - I forgive myself and see into me - to find the core - I did some mails about some girls about how big fun would be to experience some free sexual expressions - - but in fact I already know what is this - and the law of stupidity is not this, about I already know something, but need to walk trough to realise the actual cause, the core - me.
To return the innocence of me - as me as to be in and as oneness and equality within me as me as all life - is to walk trough the already existed matrix layers and not judge - not to identify me in that as that - and simply realise that I am not this - I STOP. And as I stop I am realising and starting to experience that I AM HERE.
This sexual demon within me is extensively coming to surface and to not judge, to not supress, to not let driven by- to not define me as it - to actually see - that is just a system what I use(d) to cover the truth within me.
I STAND and I REMAIN AS THE SOURCE. No mind, no thoughts, no illusion desires - PROVE!