Tuesday, June 10, 2008

moments moments moments

I am here as self honesty. I write and write and write write write write write

I am not self honest as I am doing things what is not self-honesty by definition. Strange. But definition can not be self-honesty. So it is interesting.
I let me chased after women, even I was in some parties, and I let myself to fall to be driven by desire.
Interesting. I supressed to facing woman since 1 and half years. Let's see why.
Why I let me closed this part of my design?
I am hungry. I am in hungary.
Hunger. Hun anger? Hungermongerbanger. BANG BANG.
Agression. Power. Desire. System, Blown.
I am greatful that I was fearful, and now I am seeing that I am on a process.
But it is a trap. I am in a process until I do not stop. And it is inevitable. And the process is done when I stop. And I let me stop by stopping me when the process is stops: I am here.
I had to lick around the bush for months until I understood - and strange - as I going under the understoodness until I am at the bottom and I stand as all as me as one as equal as life and I stand up and this is who I am - I am here.
So no more snickery snakery. Why I am hungry? Why I do not eat?
Because this desire to feed - this desire to take time for what I am desire - internet, chat, finding partner? looking out to find parties? Finding out how I could buy a new laptop without fall over and bleed financially again? How I could stop this?
This is practical responsibility. I am responsible for me.
If I spend money for shit - I spend money for shit. If I spend money for sort out my minus - that is who I am.
And when the guy who gave me much money to travel asia called me today about tomorrow he will come and catch me to get the usual money(400 euros/month) I experienced power.
I experienced power about shiting fucking messing demon about playing wtfness and telling him maybe I can not pay the whole amount, just some less. But in truth I went to party and I spent almost that what I said to him. And I knew that will happen, I saw before and I did go in.
Interesting. That is interesting. I am loosing me for a moment and after I define that as I did it so I learn by it so I will have to face with the consequences - this is system.
As I do something and for some moments-minutes it is still around - with some forthcoming standing out/up and moving self - could be corrected within the moment - but I let me define it as a 'manifested situation' as a 'lesson'. This is karma. This is bullshit. This is not taking responsibility, but using the polarity manifestation of fuzzy logic of system of matrix to hide.
This is not who I am.
Experience the being's words within the fingertips. Experience fingertips. Experience fingertips.
That's it. Experience breath as fingertips as presence as HERE.
When I am around people - I am playing to be here- and it is cool and it is happening but then the question is why I do motivate me with people to be here and why I defined to be alone is less?
Divinity. I definied divinity. I definied separation. I definied me. Why? Because I did not wanted to take responsibility for me within me as me.
I am here. I formed roles as rules and desires as motivations.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define desires as motivations.

I go eat...-I got a tomato. Awesome. Olive oil, smoked cheese and bread.

Ok now I did a chat with a hungirl, I gave her some computer advices and after just showed some pictures shes fun lol.
She showed a song what has some cool stuff, I write the lyrics, raw translate...

Now yet do not say anything, only if you made the choice.
Do not say anything, until you do not understand what you have done.
Still dont say anything, because you are not being, you did not come.
Now we are not existing, only playing that we are living.
Because this is not what we wanted, because what we wanted: we are afraid of.
Now yet do not give what you have taken from other,
Now yet do not say that then already you loved me.
Now yet do not say anything, we will find words,
whose from life arises, which do not end into the hell,
when we birth each other, after a big breeding,
then say that we did not late anything, what life wants from us.
Now yet be in silence, because the road is running under us,
running trees are covering wreckes, what we did not wanted to see,
razed desires near us, between them spirits are roaming,
who between the contact is stopped, only the facade what remained.
Now yet do not try to fly, do not be squirming bird,
be you the ranger, who finally finds to home,
but me let's say I love you, so that's why I go away to not hurt you
to not be more sin, because to love like this is not possible.
if you will walk trough the door of existence, if will experience the no more
will be meaningful what was the was, and what was why.
one you will know surely, will be a message:
there was somebody who loved you more than anything:
i go away to not hurt you more, i go away because i love you
i love forever



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