Ok I am exploring the high system - strange - I stopped blow my head with substances a half year ago but now I still catch this and I am greatful that I am getting pinpoint this - a bit like there is a big blanket and under I see something moves, but I can not see, just see that something moves, so slowly and surely I am pinpointing that rat under the blanket haha.
So. Straight right into the core.
Power and sex. Thats it and thats all. Money and sex and both are exactly the same. So all are money. MyOwnI. This is all about fear. Fearing that I am not able to express myself. Fearing that I am not able to remain here as who I am. This straight I've carried from tiny childhood - I am seeing that when I was little kid - I always saw all of family is about struggling. Struggling without money, and they are trying to literally grip some moments of their self-definied 'joy' as enjoyment as 'turning offness' from the struggling about and after the money system.
Watching tv, smoking cigarettes, drinking alcohol, cooking lots of meat, buying watermelon and icecream, buying videotapes about kung-fu and killer cop stories. And I was around and I saw as the basic principle of the membership of the family is to being able to steal moments to get my own moments to entertain myself until the 'work' does not says to me again that: SLAVE, NOW IT"S MY TURN - serving grandma, mother, doing wood job, garden stuff, going to shop, visiting father, waking up before 5am to go to school, teacher pushing to answer, being with other kids, and all of theese was for me as necessary shit for being able to get my entertainment moments.
And I accomodated, I acustomated and I complied - and the interesting part was that I had to do theese stuffs as my nature - because when I did as saying around "SHIT, this is shit, but I have to do this, for get my own entertainment time" - then others should say that I am not good - I have to do it as it is good - and I had to do it as "IT IS OK" - so I developed early this face - I showed that and supressed the anger, the fear, the desire.
And my entertainment was of course well definied by the had to do-s - - obviously was playing, doing things what definitely was forbidden, arousing myself with thoughs about girls and wanting to become powerful and rich...This was until around 12-14.
After that I simply realised that is not the way - as I saw the workers are working, but not going anywhere - I realised extended abilities about logic and thinking - and I used - I started to gain "points in the system" by my intelligence - and by this I determined phisicality as not so important - as in the school - on the papers - didnt mattered how much I was strong or weak - or shy or fearful - - I got the good points and others not really. Just using my thinking. Using my self-supressions to boost my mind to gain energy to become clever and still being able to play the system games about being cool cute boy, serving well the biggers, and when I could I enjoyed extensively my entertainment moments - in the begining that was big walks in nature, but after a while it changed as I got my computer - I learnt to programming, I learnt to understand how I can write programs in the machine in order to entertain myself.
Entertain. And the strange stuff is that I definied sex as entertainment - as divertion from my supressions - as I realised that when I am getting sexually aroused - I experienced this not really strength but some kind of boost - what I started to develop, find and maintain - how this worked? It worked as I started to boost my sexual desire as putting pictures into my mind - the intense focus to theese mind-based pictures, definition built up little loopy algorythms - I started to lost the focus from anything else - from the surroundings, from my inner separation - but only focusing to theese definitions - and energetic feedbacks - as the consciousness seeped out, sucked dry the pure life essence within my phisical body trough my energetic participation in theese feelings, emotions, based on theese specific sexual thoughts - the mind consciousness system got extra 'energy' to do some finetunes - as more supressions and generating extensive joy experience - but only for moments - and this is what now I am realising that theese moments are just moments - in truth empty moments as theese moments are just some specific picture moves - as for example I am a gate - and experiencing joy as noticing pictures going trough this gate - and I as this information gate - I am experiencing the joy as defining the picture what I move trough this gate - my mind perception - and as this information goes by - for a moment this gate is experiencing the energetic buzzing, what has been definied by myself as joy - and literally this has been going for a while.
And when I got opportunity to be with real girls - the system was in extensive shock - as one or two touches was enough to blow me away - only she just touched my penis and I orgasmed, when at the university my first girlfriend touched when I was around 18 - as in that specific moments I was preparing all the definitions going by this gate and as all desires were conditioned to a girl who IRL could touch and do - when it occured - all system just sent all theese energetic pictures trough the gate - the mind consciousness system gate what I became - and the gate of course had too much energetic vibrations, concentrated supressed emotions - had to release to not causing damage in the system - so released by orgasm.
And interesting to see how it 'became' solved this how it is called premature ejaculation - I had to became comfortable with the experience that she is touching me - and I remember needed some months to become stable and not orgasming anyway whatsoever, even when she experienced orgasm - I am stable, I remain - for a while I used another pictures to divert my attention - because the experienced moments was so intese by the all definitions came trough all the time trough this gate - and all supressed energetic desires and accepted and allowed habit to inmediately recreate them to still sustain my ability to divert my attention from myself as myself but remain in separation, not even experiencing me for a moment...so I tried to thing to a dead cat on hot stinky bitumen in a summer day(this I experienced much when I was kid), or doing a salto down from a halfly digged big tractor wheel) and hahahahahahaa theese I used so much time around 18-19 to divert my attention from her beautyful body as I am intercorsing with her and was too intense to not explode...
But after that also changed again - I found out the big joy is when I do not ejaculate, but the girl is. And again and again and again. And I definied as after 4-5 orgasm of the girl and I am still here without orgasm - and somearound there I experienced some strange joy - what was more than just energies going by this mind-gate(mind-gap) and for theese time sliced moments I could catch the definitions of joy -- - but somehow it remained - and my mind even just stopped doing this counting how much definied joy I am collecting - because obviously became spontaenously instant, remained and stable - - that was interesting of course and probably helped me in self-expressions. BUT the interesting part is that after all in general I did orgasm - and was cool, and of course THEN the comphounded energies and collected thinking, emotional and feeling charged systems lightinged out in a minute long madness.
So this is quite exact as I wrote down how I experienced this sexual system.
Now comes the substances - when I smoked - I started to experience less sexual desire - because of the supressions, and when I did - those just came up and was really cool - probably because of the release - and charge out.
And of course the another part was around this because of self-expression, and power and at the end probably about money.
So I experienced myself as ugly guy when I was little, only my eyes were specificly cute and the only thing what I could "USE" that was - and I stared with big blue eyes to girls and they even said 'oh so beautiful' - so like this I became the whore of my own eye LOL.
And I was skinny and very white - and maximally inhibited - I never could to look into a girl's eye more than a half second - when I did - my face became red - because of the mind started to work and define and define and define and supressions straight started to come up and I was fearful about somebody could notice how extensively I am fearful, desired, powerless, and messed up inside all the time.
So I formed a desire to being able to give all what a woman could want - because I said when I could have a girlfriend, I would give everything to her. Why? Specificly because of like that I could be sure that I deserve, and she would like me, and if I could become a man who could give an extensive joy for women - would mean that I could get what I wanted in my childhood.
So strange, but my motivation was to become good lover. So somehow I did. And as I did, I realised all is about spontaneous expression. But how I could forget my behaviour what is limited, programmed and probably boring - if I am fearful. So first I had to find the method what really stops the fear experience. So I used words. I used words to become tricky to speak to girls what they want to hear - and to do for them what they want to experience.
But all of theese was in separation - not even knowing who I really am, and not even wanting to give it up, because of the fear - and when the drugs came into perspective - all changed.
The smoke was one point, ans as I was stoned - I was ok, I stopped wanting woman, touch, sex. Because of the intense thoughts and using to find out definitions about reality, power - to being able to express me - - was trap 22 - looking after to being able to look after to get to being able to get - system loop.
So when I took acid - that was really big charge out - awesome experience as everything, literally everything stood by - and I remained - I, the confused, fearful guy who are pushing himself to face with the reality to being able to realise what the fuck is going on and what the shit I am doing.
And this switching off the mind by psychedelic drugs was bit similar then that specific event occured - when I was doing sex, and not orgasm - and I definied long time as the girl could get orgasm multiple times - that was quite long time(ok not always lol) and I experienced joy, even defining me as not orgasming - and this was quite interesting - but in fact all the time that was simply system release and for moments I was in peace with me within me - and all started again.
And back to here, now I am still here and I am still within and as this system: stopped drugs and slowly and surely I am seeing that I am hungry for wanting girl again, wanting to reexperience this sexual intercourse - inter connection - inter energy chargeout - not because I know that is who I am, not because I know that would assist me - - no ! simply becase I let myself around for a while and the self-discipline is not here because my presence is not here and I realise that I HAVE TO BE HERE - and I am breathing and I am experiencing that what is within me I am getting aware of those - and what I hesitated to forgive, to release, what I did not understood yet, what I still use for experience me as system - - those are when I am realising within me - no separation - - simply manifest - trough my expression behaviour pattern - as now I am catched myself again on wanting to find sexual relationship and building up this desire and starting to finding proper ways(not masturbate) to release theese energetic contstructs - but not totally, only for a while to become the experience of this sexual joyment - and after to form again this desire, and again and again and like this I actually never let, direct me to live - because my past is still here, still define me, and determine me - even as I know that I am life in and as oneness and equality and the simplicity without definiti0ns - always here...
Somehow I see it as process, but when I am in the moment using this definition(*this is a process*) - - that an excuse - in the moment as the moment when I am here - there is no process - there is no definition, there is no time - so exacly when I use this - I am dishonest from the perspective as using this as an excuse to not apply me as self-forgiveness, self-honesty, here, as silence.
Because of the accepted and allowed desire of 'freetime' entertainment separation concept is still here - What I must release, let go.
I forgive myself that I acepted and allowed myself to define me as entertainment.
Maybe parents definied me as entertainment - lol or just tried to define me like this.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to wanting to get power - not realising everything is already here.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire women as entertainment and power.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire to be good lover.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to wanting to prove something.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to participating in and as thoughts to form feelings and emotions to comphound energy what after inevitabely have to release because is too much for the mind consciousness system.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to became the slave of myself - not realising that this whole relationship of master slave is just merely a perception about how I should express - instead of being the presence as me as who I really am as being here in oneness and equality.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to became sexual demon within me as me.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to defining being here as intense - so obviously getting too much from the perspective of the mind by definitions - what are making the limits and embarrasing me to limit me.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire sexual relationship with woman beings.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to lie to myself as self-dishonesty.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to apparently lost me in consciousness for hours - instead of using my tools as me as self-forgiveness, writing, expression aloud.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hesitate to move me and let mind move.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define orgasm as joy separatedly from me.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think - instead of being 4 count breath to remain silent - to remain the silence as me.
I forgive mysself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge myself about thougts - instead of unconditionally self-forgiveness, self-corrective application.
I forgive myself that I accepted and and allowed myself to use mind to cheat with other people.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to yawn, to shut down, to not hear what I was about in the last moment.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to form personalities to being able to get my entertainment periods.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define me as entertainer. Entertainment.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desiring to participate in groupsex.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire to give multiple orgasm for women.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word: sex.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to let program myself trough the word: sex.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define me as joy. Instead of realising that I separated myself from the word - joy. Because of fear - fear of loss.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear of loss.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use past knowledge instead of being in and as moment as breath as presence as me in oneness and equality - allways here.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define that without knowledge and definitions I am not able to express appropriately. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear of judgements of others.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from not being able to express myself.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myselft to define me as tired, tiredness.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to realise that the mind is only what tired.
I am here I am life I am me I am stable. I am breath I am presence I am expression. I am the living word.