Tuesday, October 7, 2008


Here just things what I am facing.
Actually I stopped seeking girl what is very fascinating. I realised that I desire for touch and that means I do not need girlfriend - I simply touch some girls here and not falling into the desire to 'have' - or to 'obtain'/'possess'. Ok sounds siliy that I touch girls who are here but in fact is cool - not even for sex - but I do not know - still experience some sexual charge - but I see that is possible to just be here and if touch is here then not being touched with definition - because then I experience the touch as me...but if I define the touch - then I experience the definition of touch - and that would mean then I want to reexperience the define of touch again - and never the touch itself as me as one as equal...
But if I touch as I touch and without definition I experience - then I am the touch - no need to define - and if no definition exists - nothing separation - I am the touch - then I realise I can not be dependant on touch - only the definition of touch.
So in fact stop define while touch and be here.

So this is quite interesting. Because I can touch a tree, or a mouse - and most of the day I do - so be aware of this touch - and I am here.

I simply write what is here. Not else. Not anymore. Simple.
I am here and I experience this need to scratch my itchy head - specificly related to hair - as it looks like. So the need is coming to rid off this hair soon. And Dimensions said that is coming from I am accessing specific areas of my mind - do self-forgiveness specificly and stop. So It is mostly here when I am around night - so it is related to tiredness. And when I define from past - it is just here - mostly top of my head - top of my mind - knowledge - as I am obsessed to my mind - and scratching layers up to experience to not need to face what is here but in past.
Ok more practical stuff - hair is just getting long and white dust is coming and looks strange and unhandy to wash because dries slowly and poses stranely lol -
Why do not cut then here atm? Because it does not solve the fact that I am using mind-access - so it is a gift - to show my accepted nature.

This lol is very strange because lol can mean like lemonlike unfair grotesque humour as well.

Simply the words are here and without judging I am expression.
So I am experiencing this need to make movie - not only silly animations, not only video mixes with music, but in fact script up scenes and direct it specificly to show up on screen. Movie? Film? Maybe. I've read many about screenplays - and I saw very masterpieces of movie history how they made - the directors showed up much much practical solutions as well as theoretical philosophic points.
I am very sure that I can learn to write screenplay - I like to play with words - and I am sure that I can record with the camera as I want - and I have in my hand how to cut - of course very basic - now I am starting to practise grading, coloring the movie...
So I want to make some films...of couse I want to make music as well - but I still delay with this - I want to find a place where I can play music aloud and without stop - without fear of 'I am too loud' - and I know that no need to be aloud - but I want it hear - I want it hear within me - and then no compromise with anybody - ok I work daytime but at night I can do - so I am preparing to move to another place in 2 months - and I will choose a place where I can do it such perfectly as I can - and while doing - writing screenplays and see how much I can spare to have camera. A little upgrade with the computer and it will be ready to do any what I want - so this is kind of plan - of course is based on desire and illusion but I see what I can do here - I trust me...
And I have to be specific and place everyrhing here and amalgamate and just express - and now I start to understand that I can do anything - and the patience is about breath.
So I am here and work - and am facing with the fact that I can connect with people - and there are some who I see can be in movie - but this is a huge stuff - so I just start here.
So I want to make some movies on youtube just for fun and exploring the capabilities of the programs - much learn is still here.

Also a point to just do the tax report from last year - and throwing away many objects what not need anymore - and not being afraid or hesitating about direct people when I am here and be here - because when no reaction - I direct what is here as me as one as equal.

The guy who I live with - almost never is here - just does not really pay - so I pay all - but after this I will manage to live 'alone' - because I do not need now big view as here it is - as park, island, river, sunrise - I would like to focus what is to be done - music, and a place where noone I disturb and I wont be disturbed.

I sratched my head and wanted to figure out why I want to direct film - and I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to scratch my head and I let myself to think about why I want to do something - and why I need to think about making movie.

I see many stuffs - and I see many points within humans what I want to show up - what I already realised - and what I am realising so manifesting - and within this I can script it up or down - and be able to take apart and show it up on screen and bring it up trough sound expressions - and within this stabilizing me and my expression as one as equal here and realising who I am and who I am not - and sharing it unconditionally.

So this is what I focus atm: sound and picture - the 2 things what the most occupying me within this existence. And both are me.
The music I need more tech and practical skill - how to record and reproduce sounds and mix - and do it and do it and not bother to ask just go to others and ask who are doing this since a decade.
The video is a bit same - but more likely can be directed and needs more teh stuff - but in fact this is the same - sound waves or visual waves are similar - but picures effects minds more directly - and within this simply I direct.
This desire to direct - to be able to direct - the movie - me - and the situation - because it can be - I can direct - so let's prove and within proving let it go - let the production flow - go and I am here because I am the expression.

This practical stuff came up: build electronic stuffs: like computer-driven mechanical stuffs, robots, tesla-inventions - and just program them to do stuffs - will see - but first is music, second is video and third can be that - and dont forget about the loan - is still here - that is the most prioritive to just have to be done and it's gone.

Until march looks like I have this job so no need to fear from lack of money - but important also to find a cheap and very cool place to rest and produce.
Because I am productive, I am production. My foot are on ground and I stand.
Even the fall is not fall because I am facing with myself and just be self-motivated, self-willed, and let myself to be confortable with myself and breath and be self-honest absolutely.

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