2 Dreams

I had to sleep a bit more, I had to go to sleep early because I was kind of tired and then I dreamt. Yesterday or 2 days ago and in this morning also were kind of 'stable' dreams.

First one was very interesting and brought up some stuff from theese days.
The second one just happened and was really fun when I woke up.

First one:

I arrived to India - there are my friends, who just visited me because I gave back some money and they are kind of hippies. And we met and was strange because this couple was not together anymore and were in 'peace with this' and my friend the guy just jumped up and ran to another girl who I knew from past but I do not know who is in this real life, but he started to have sex with her just for some seconds for joy and maybe to show that he is occupied with this girl, and not the other who he is commited to in real life, who has also an other hippie guy already.
So it was on a HUGE hill around mountains and pits and was very green and was kind of amazing. And as this scene happened, after some seconds some guys came to me and they were clothed kind of authentic and sayed - 'ah an another translator, welcome' and was cool for them and I experienced this ' appretitiation' and happiness because I will help to translate some stuffs.
And then I started to see the sky over the hill because there were about hundreds of horses and were flying around just like the flying ants and were sparky blue and yellow strong lighted and were really amazing experience to see this and I said right then, where is the camera, I have to record this, and I was around to find the cam and then I woke up in my room.

What I see atm in this dream:
-I redefined my friends as cool support because I had undefined fun with them again when they visited me(I gave back much money)(because I did not bring up the topic of self-honesty and organic robots etc, only spoke about farm a bit about when can I visit) as they appeared in my dream and I visited them in India - as they are going to there very soon(we were together there)
-I am sure that all relationships will fall - even their because they look very happy with each other and I see that is based on sex and also I got sex movies from a girl and there was this position what he repated in the dream
-We spoke about he wants to translate stuffs and I also decided to continue to translate SR articles and I want to get some appretiation about 'I am translating this' and to hand on others trough getting their illusionaric feedback from me
-And I am amazed with the light by it's visual complicatedness and I want it to record to use it later as signifiing how much self-definition is based on memory and pictures(also with the sex and the people's robes and the beautiful horses, nature, flies etc)

--
Next dream: I am somehow in a big house and I am doing something computer stuff when some child show up and they are playing - and then somehow there are some adults who starts to shout and make the children fear and I just stand up and take over the situation and I say them very determined to stop this abuse and I do not accept this and simply let theese kids to be.
And then somehow a girl shows up - maybe my ex, Eniko, but not sure, but looks like her a bit, and then somehow I start to explore the house and is like a tiny castle in a bigger house - and I see that I did set up multiple computers - 4 near the sleeping room and 4 at the living room and then suddenly people start to come and many people around me and many friends from past and some workmates and they enjoying this place and each other and me and I realise that holy shit, this is my new apartment, and I enjoy this whole shit and still exploring this big house and has trees on the court and kind of gothic dark stlye inside and there is a little room what I can look in but there is no door, and I start to wonder what is that and how I can not go in and then how it would be possible, and then people went and children are sleeping and then I see as a really big dark-armored styled clothed knight-like guy is arriving and looks very confident and self-determined, self-enjoying and he is looking at me and then start to look after things in the house and just moving and taking some and then I ask about who is he and what is this place and I realise I just occupied this house and maybe this is the owner and then now what will happen?
And he is smiling and he is saying that he has this house and he just starts to travel so I can be here and I do not understand and also ask about what is this about and how it can be and I was wondering about maybe Jack or Mykey did something and even I am not sure about what he answered but looks like I have new place and is cool and then I wake.
---
Hmm - this is about in the next days I start to find a new place because this is over soon.
And I had the desire to obtain big place to get receive many people to visit, as I did this in the past when I was in the smokey era and when people came, it was always just in time.
And about the kids, I lately listened the neighbour mother how she shouts almost screaming to her tiny kids and they start to cry and is total abuse and fear-based inprinting and I was at a time kind of pissed off but then realised is nothing to do with them (anyway shall I ring to them and say something profound?), but better to see my reactions and apply self-honesty.
Also as I see multiple computers in the dream what I obtain - I defined this as more cool and in fact more effective I can be on this way if I have more - because while one is processing, I still can do something on the other, and I have an intent to get big LCD screen to my laptop and this desire was manifested.
And I spoke with a girl and she said that in the past I was always with people and many houseparties and now I am kind of alone and closed and why and blablabla...
So probably I still have desire to have people around and I can be the center or the 'owner of the place or party' to get reactions from others to define me as good or happy or worthy.

Also when a girl popped up who looked my exwife - and I had not much intent to do something with her - as I am dechaining myself from her still - but I am not obsessed with her anymore.
Hmm and as the guy comes along who is big knight-like - I am actually facing with the past-self-doubts about how strong or big or muscular a man and how rich - and I could not be like this so I had to suppress and now releasing this and this guy is like a symbol of this, but still appeared a bit superior - because I felt inferiority.
Also when the mentioning of Jack and Mykey happens - as a hope to get help from dimensions - indicates my self-trust is not absolute here.

Also when I see the little room where is no door, but I can see in - about self-intimacy - there are places within me what I already see but I can not walk in to face yet but I am finding out how it can be...

Self-forgiveness: momentary

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that when I start to dissolve a dishonesty-system as starting to open myself and forgiving myself - then this whole shit just manifest right into the face - due to the not absolute self-will - and it is kind of like this:
I have a big desk and I open the drawers to throw out unnecessary shit, and I open it and find a case what contains pictures about a thai bitch for instance and instead of forgiving myself and letting it go - by seeing and understanding what this represents within my life and where is the point of self-deception as dishonesty - even when I start to do this - at some points, it can happen that I experience this:
I am facing with a point and I do not forgive immediately, and then this point brings up an other and then this goes on and on and on and when many points are here - what I accept and allow to come up without self-directive self-correcting application - simply this shit manifests - for instance I am starting to desire to speak, touch, sex with a girl(in this example) and then I realise this, and when I do not start over - I see a tendency to simply jump over. Like I have desire, oh shit, I do not participate, rather than doing video animation or playing computer or diswashing - and this jumping doing and probably makes a full circle with and as the actual dishonesties - as for instance
-self doubt about work and money issues then I can start to think about the project at work and the actual work what can be done to optimise
-having issues about a girl I met and she speaks all the time about sexual and enjoyment and the lack of it
-wanting to make a videoclip and I faced with issues about missing some video footage about oil war so how can I get theese clips?
-etc

And I start o think and then I say STOP and breath, or 4 count breath and the other one comes up and then the other and is like a multi-threaded server or how the databases work, where are the connections in the pool and picking up one and doing some steps and then put it back and then grabbing another - to 'serve multiple connections' at the same time.
And it is very similar - and I want to focus to one point at a time - and doing it until it's done - and then doing another - because then it would be more clear - - but in fact these threads are already here and running and I am jumping over and over and over.
And this is a kind of defense mechanism to not face with an issue totally and being able to keep self-definition by this occupation - and standing on multiple legs - to ensured that I wont fall because when one is bleedy, then I stand on another 3.
So this is very tricky but I am.
I started to see this one in the last week and here I can describe it at first time, so I have to deal with this.
And obviously the solution could be like focusing only to one - but the way as this 3D works - I am participating fully and theese dishonesties are working and determining my world and my act.

The work is probably the more clear: when I am at workplace - I work and that's it - because when I work when I am at workplace - then I do it 100% and then I can not doubt within myself because I do it as I can and anything comes up - as deadline or etc - was not my 'fault' simply just already here as past so just breath and do it and trust myself.

The woman-desire stuff is more tricky because if I have the knowledge about what is wrong with a sexual relationship and wanting to avoid - means I have dishonesties what I do not want to manifest because of fear - but like this I can not change myself because I fear from manifesting the same - and that's why I do not choose to touch - because of fear from not being able to direct myself - because I let myself to be directed by memory - by desire by fear.
And at the same time I can trust me and momentary expression and then facing the consequences - and like here is the moment and slowly but surely building this moment as me and expanding the moment as me until I am one moment infinitely.

That's it for this moment, and is cool because I wont forget because it is here.
I will continue with this and with other stuffs and the God of Man part self-trust step 2.

Self-forgiveness: trust - step 1b

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define girls as magical beings who brings up more from me because I gave away my power and wanting to be able to express myself but I could not and it was a 'conscious' throwing away the pieces of my power to be able to use this situation as an excuse about: 'I can not do anything, but with woman: yes.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that I judged girls to be able to divert my attention from myself as myself here - about how and who I experience myself within and as the moment and because of the intense inner fight - I used this as a divertion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to conform and see other's example about wanting and getting and having a girlfriend is normal, worthy and cool.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become programmable and eventually become programmed about wanting to have a girl because then I can enjoy myself more likely with her - instead of realising that I am here and this is an excuse because I can not enjoy alone myself.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire about a girl will find me and then she will control the situation and 'get me' and I was hoping that she will be beautiful and then I just can enjoy the fruit of this kind of relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the desire after girl as a divertion of my attetion from my inner turmoils and self-doubts into them because of the judgement of them about how beautiful and shining they are and I wanted it because I couldnt not find, experience theese words within me as me here as one as equal and I experienced this separation within me what I wanted to rejoice trough this desire instead of stopping the desire and exploring that I am here as all as breath.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define girlfriend as who I can be horny to.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define girlfriend as who I can trust about I can be able to desire her unhiddenly and get her freely and touch her body because then my desire could fulfill and I wont have to experience this lack of experience.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define touching as arousing.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define touching girl as arousing because of my past memories when I touched girls I became aroused because of other memories.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that I did put worth and value into women's body separatedly from me because I did not experienced this here as me as one and equal so I wanted to stop this separation trough having a girlfriend and whenever I would experience this separation then I could prove to myself that is not here - but in fact yes but for the moment when I could define that - I 'fulfilled my desire' - I simply equate the polarity for a moment - and then it would restart over and over and over again.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define girlfriend as somebody who is really appearing near me as something nice, beautiful, worthy, valueable, and by this I could be more recognised by other human beings, because about what I 'have'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to give a fuck about what others should judge about me.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to get other's attention to get feedbacks about me - because I perceived myself as not real and weak and unworthy so I wanted to give positive feedbacks to polarize my own fears about me.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that I am embarrased about me because of my opinional expectations about me based on my own judgements and definitions - what are based of fear - fear of me what is really fear from fear - and within the experience - I am controlled by and as it and acting it out - and I am not here only this fear.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to fit in into the society because I was fearful alone, and I saw that everyone doing this so I better copy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself because I defined that I did not find myself so wanted to find myself within other's behavioural.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define girls as value in this world because of their outfit and beauty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as skinny, poor powerless because others judged me as this and I defined myself according to what others say about me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to how others judge me based on their previous judgements - not realising then I am copying their dishonesty practicality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to balance,equate, substitute my poorness,skinnyness and powerless state by 'obtaining' a beautiful girl, my precious who can be the subject of my reflection.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to manipulate humans trough 'having a beautiful girlfriend to show up' as my value and worth to fit in and being appretiated by their own fears and judgements.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play the game about 'who I am within the system based on what others judge and reflect back to me' even when I realised this is happening - I accepted it as this is the way of indirect self-control - instead of realising this is of separation of self-dishonesty based on fear and self-doubt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see my partner's dishonesties but not standing up to say 'this is who you are' to assist her because I had the same issue - rather than I choosed to play this game as a war strategy to not become inferior and being sure that she is doing this to remain this polarity manifestation.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to manipulate my partner trough her self-doubt and fears by playing with other girls - but not totally to not have to face what I am doing - only scratching the surface - because if I would go to deep then it would be 'cheating her' - but like this it was accepted for me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that I need a partner to hide the self-dishonesty and get support to conceal dishonesty and getting feedbacks about 'I am this dishonesty, and is cool' - because the partner has the same and we support each other to remain dishonest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become self-interested, not realising that I separate myself from myself trough the perception of me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret that I defined betrayar when I tickled an another girl's bellybutton when I was drunk, especially when I told this to my girlfriend and she was pissed off.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel more important myself when a girl was fearful to loose me because then it would mean that I am worthy and valueable so I am somebody.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry and pissed off when my girlfriend told me that she did french sex with my living-mate.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define her act as having oral sex with an other guy who was living with me as betrayal.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my partner based on she 'cheated me'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt in myself when my partner had sex with an another male because of the fear that I am not good enough and then she will leave me and I will be alone and I have to face with myself alone as who I became because she wont be here to be with to occupy with to divert my attention from me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience inferiority when I was a kid and an adult said something to me as a command and I had to do it without any question.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience hate towards the grownups when they ordered me to do something what I did not wanted to do but I had not choice because I was fearful of punishment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself because I am too weak to stand up and to say no to grownups.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define grownups as more powerful than me just because of their size.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go inner supressed anger and hate because of others what forced me to do - instead of realising that this is not related to me, only themselves and it is reflecting to me and as I react - I manifest it.

I forgive myself to hate to be man because I felt powerless when I judged me according to my phisical body as muscular or not.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, to believe, to fear from the actual strength and beauty is related to how big and strong I am because the media and others and girls! said this.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek out other's positive judgements to be sure that I am cool.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become rich to buy self-confident to me to be able to act accordingly to attract women to be able to 'get' a nice one to become a man.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate my father because he was not a 'real macho man' because he was poor and weak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to shame my body because it is snowwhite and not brown as other's have.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define mind and intelligence as more 'strong' or more 'important' than phisical muscles - based on movies and books about the bosses are 'clever' and not so strong phisically - and I wanted to be boss.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny the actual phisical reality based on my thoughts about this is inferior than the consciousness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from the phisical so attemted to escape totally to 'consciousness' what is not here - but this was impossible so I started to build complex illusions to fit in and be able to remain dishonest until I could and all did not fall.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise that I am here and I can stop this definition system what moves me automatically.

Self-forgiveness: trust - step 1

I am going trough the self-support document of exploring definitions and self-dishonesty related to TRUST:
Desteni: Daily Interdimensional Diary: Part One 04/05 October 2008

I type here the context of the suggestion as well - to type it as one as equal here.
And if I experience the necessity of REPEATing the writing down a specific self-forgiveness - I'll do it.

STEP ONE:
Self forgiveness applied on the very acceptance and allowance of defining trust in separation of and as self here.

This done by investigating 'what I accepted and allowed in me as the definition of the word trust' trough writing down the very definitions of the word trust in and as me.
In this, purifying the word and thus purifying me from definitions in separation of me in relation to the word trust; to not hide behind the definition of the word.

For example:

Let's say I have defined trust as another simply just speaking the words: "You can trust me" or "I can trust you" to or towards me, then I say:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust within another saying to me: "You can trust me" or "I can trust you" - and then immediately believe "trust is now in place".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from trust - by defining trust trough a definition as words spoken by another.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from trust - by defining trust trough a definition as words spoken by another.

Or that I have defined "trust" as being able to "depend" on another:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust in separation of and as me - as being able to depend on another.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust in separation of and as me - as being able to depend on another.

From here - also take into consideration within the self forgiveness of 'definitions' - towards who and what exactly in my world have me defined trust as 'connecting' myself in relationship with others trough the word trust - thus, separating me from myself here, by being 'dependent' on others to 'make decisions for me', for example.

For example:
Let's say I've defined my mother as trust, because she always listens to me when I speak:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust in separation of and as me - as my mother listening to me when I speak, defining trust according to and as someone listening to me when I speak.

With this I continue:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust in separation of and as me - as my friends listening to me when I speak, defining trust according to and as someine listening to me when I speak, defining trust according to and as someone listening to me when I speak.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust in separation of and as me - as teachers listening to me when I speak, defining trust according to and as someone listening to me when I speak, defining trust according to and as someone listening to me when I speak.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust in separation of and as me - as girlfriends listening to me when I speak, defining trust according to and as someone listening to me when I speak, defining trust according to and as someone listening to me when I speak.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust in separation of and as me - as my classmates listening to me when I speak, defining trust according to and as someone listening to me when I speak.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust in separation of and as me - as my cousins, sister listening to me when I speak, defining trust according to and as someone listening to me when I speak.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust in separation of and as me - as my collegaues listening to me when I speak, defining trust according to and as someone listening to me when I speak.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust in separation of and as me - as my boss is listening to me when I speak, defining trust according to and as someone listening to me when I speak.

Another example: on in relationship:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust in separation of and as me- as believing that I can "trust my partner because she will only be loyal to me" - in this separating me from trust into and as relationship - only relates to the relationship itself.

So specifying it to ALL ex-girlfriends to clear and be aware of it once and for all:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust in separation of and as me - as believing that I can 'trust Eniko because she will only be loyal to me' - in this separating me from trust into and as relationship - only relates to the relationship itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust in separation of and as me - as believing that I can 'trust Anna because she will only be loyal to me' - in this separating me from tust into and as relationship - only relates to the relationship itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust in separation of and as me - as believing that I can 'trust Viola because she will only be loyal to me' - in this separating me from trust into and as relationship - only relates to the relationship itself.
She was not really girlfriend, but I desired her for a while to be and when I got it I saw the fucked upness so was not really a relationship in physicial but in my mind yes, so:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust in separation of and as me - as believing that I can 'trust Eszter because she will only be loyal to me' - ion this separating me from trust into and as relationship - only relates to the relationship itself.

Also important part - was not relationship, but kind of intense bond with this guy trough the many acids what we've been trough, so:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust in separation of and as me - as believing that I can 'trust bence because he will only be trusted to m' - in this separating me from trust into and as relationship - only relates to the relationship itself.

Nex: friends:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust as my friends defending me when another was 'out of line' towards me - instead of me not accepting or allowing myself to take the expression towards me of another personally - and assisting and supporting such beings to see what they are accepting/allowing within themselves; that they were actually 'discriminating' themselves, and not me.
Again:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust as my friends defending me when another was 'out of line' towards me - instead of me not accepting or allowing myself to take the expression towards me of another personally - and assisting and supporting such beings to see what they are accepting/allowing within themselves; that they were actually 'discriminating' themselves, and not me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust as when another lends or borrows me money.
Again:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust as when another lends or borrows me money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust in separation of me within another - when I borrowed someone money and they returned it, that this 'returning money back' is a trait/illustration/show of 'trust'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust in the actions and deeds that beings do outside separate from me.
Again:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust in the action and deeds that beings do outside separate from me.


Lets express more based on theese examples:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust in separation of me based on who with I decided to take psychedelic drug together - as this act as a trust separated from me based on self-judgements towards to the others instead of trusting me here unconditionally.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust in separation of and as me based on who with I smoked ganja based on the definition of separation of 'travelling on the same ship'.
I forgive myself rhat I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust in separation of me based on the people are 'rainbow people' or not - judging them by their words as how much rainbow gatherings they visited or how they look like as a 'rainbow-brother/sister'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust in separation of me based on defining somebody as a drummer based on he/she has a percussion drum or not - and defining this trust with the relationship with the drum as trust - instead of realising that I am here as trust as one as equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust as how people do look into my eyes and defining the profound eyecontact as a sign of trust - instead of realising that I want to find somebody to trust into and as this relationship with my own relationship with my definition of the 'profound eyecontact'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust according to how a 'sharptongued girl deals with the others' - defining it as 'I can connect with her and understanding her way of thinking so I can handle and communicate the situation as a feel of control so I can express myself freely' - this is just a perception of who I judged as this 'sharptonguedness' based on my own relationship with memory of mediterran girls are speaking very dominantly.
Oh and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust when a girl is always controlling the situation with the constant projections and rawness and attacking others by the apparent control - to wanting to trust theese kind of women because then maybe if I could trust them they would tell me what to do or how and what I am because I didnt trust me and my judgements.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust as spiritualists defenindg me when another was 'out of line' towards me - instead of me not accepting or allowing myself to take the expression towards me of another personally - and assisting and supporting such beings to see what they are accepting/allowing within themselves, that they were actually 'discriminating' themselves and not me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust as when another shares a blog or vlog about self-deception and speaks about what is dishonest and need to be stopped - instead of trusting me here and not separating myself from others trough the definition of trust.

Step Two: Investigating my life in relation to the word trust, by defining and exploring experiences I've had within which the word 'trust' played a role, and had an effect and influenced on me - manifesting memory in and as me, to which I am still holding onto and still reacting to.
Wherein I've betrayed and deceived - and also where I betrayed and deceived - self forgiveness on the experience where I was betrayed and deceived and where I betrayed and deceived another. By describing theese events - how I experienced myself - I will see more clearly this point.

So looks like I write down some what comes up at this moment and then will explore more - but the practicality has to be understood and stabilized and developed in and as expression.

So the first one what came up when I felt a bit like I've betrayed my ex-girlfriend Eniko(always called Cica, but in fact she is Eniko) - trough in Spain we went to walk trough the El Camino de Santiago and there I've met with a very interesting french girl - and I focused much attention to her and I simply lost my control and in fact did not happened anything but It could be - and this compounded day by day and I spoke with this girl and my girlfriend did not like it, and was really annoyed and fucked-up -- because we split before and came to this trip to come together again as a couple -- and I did not give a fuck and then this whole event manifested that she had an accident in her ankle and then we did not continue the trip so the french girl went by - and we were only 2 of ourselves alone and I had to support her by carry and be more directive.
And in this event I felt like I betrayed her a bit - because she showed this to me and I felt like this - because here is 'my girlfriend' and then I focus to an other girl and simply was not totally fair but the other hungarians judged Eniko as annoying crazy ass and by this I got support from them by being able to play out as I am not guilty and protecting myself with the fact that : 'nothing did happened really' - but in fact it was not my directiveness - only I did not get opportunity.

So this example was really what I bothered me sometimes when I was around this, so here I clear this totally - to unchain myself from her, and from the relationship itself and from the gult and from the betrayal and from trust.

Because I accepted and allowed to defined trust separated from me as I trust to her because she trust in me - and supporting each other to not trust in and as ourselved but to an outside source - manifesting the relationship with the self-doubt and with the relationship the dishonesty itself - as constantly depending to the other to be able to cover the dishonesty as self-doubt by projecting the trust onto other.
And within the kicking off her trust within me by manifesting her self-doubt as I could leave her to a more interesting girl - I've manifested - to show that her trust is not constant because it can not be - and I also was gloryous because I started to realise that I can not trust into her - so instead of trusting myself - I instantly wanted to put my trust from her into an another girl who was 'fresh' from the perspective of the memory 'flaws' of the trust. Because I started to stop trust in her as she cheated me and I defined trust in the lack of cheating me, instead of trusting me here and then I am always in and as trust as self as self-trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust separated from me based on my girlfriend did cheated me or not.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define cheating partner by having sex or phisically manifested expression of wanting to have sex with an another who is not me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define relationship based on the sexual habit - not realising that I have relationship with my own definitions of the relationship itself.

Oh maan, a book could be filled with this one only - because this point contains much of me what is here already until I stop.
Like I defined girls as magical beings who brings up more from me.
I defined girls who can divery my attention from my inner turmoils and self-doubts into their beautiful and shining expression.
I defined girlfriend as somebody who I can become to horny and I can trust to be able to desire and obtain freely to touch her whole body as long as I want or as like I desire.
I defined girlfriend as somebody who is really appearing near me as somehing nice, value, and then others would recognise me and respect me about wondering what I 'have' to be able to 'have' a girlfriend as much nice as this one.
I defined to have a relationship with a girl as a support who can say that I am worthy and she can tell me what is wrong within me and trusting into her let her to control me because in the belief that she will make me better - accepting and allowing to her to influence me extensively and change my behaviour as she want - because no matter what she wants of me - I wanted to have this so deeply so I gave away all other what I wanted or have but this one.
Because I defined that I can not trust in me - because based on my memory I experienced this lack of self-directiveness, this lack of practicality and this lack of strength.
And I judged my outfit and feared other's judgement about I am skinny and poor and powerless so I wanted to have something 'precious' to be obsessed and possessed and be able to show it around to out towards others to manipulate them trough their own lack of self-trust and judgemental definition systems to judge me as 'cool', 'groovy', 'the man' etc.

And I saw similarities within Eniko and she had this same cross, and I was the tool to hide - by different definitions - not likely the outfit, but more likely her perceived 'values of my inner' - she did the same - and we supported each other's dishonesty and when I felt like she had sex with others that I am spitted out, I am nothing, I am worthless, I am nobody and I felt shit - because loosing everything I had - more accuratedly I lost the perception of myself as 'good' and I lost the tool to be able to perceive me as 'the man'.
And loosing the illusionaric perception of me from her expression as 'the one' - I had to face with the always existed self-doubt, and the immense lack of self-trust - what was always here but used her to conceal.
And the same was with her and when I met with this girl - I was astonished and as Eniko did the same with other man who she judged as 'more valuable' from a perspective at the moment - I did the same so I did judged the other girl(Mathilda) and I wanted to be with her.
It is like in the computergames - in the adventure - the hero finds an another armor what has not +3 but +5 defensive, so he simply replaces them. Was the same.

And I knew all this and she also knew so I felt guilty to kicking off this unwritten agreement on supporting each other's divertion from the self-doubt as self-dishonesty.
And the only thing what made me guilt because I had the memory what I experienced when she did this kind of stuff(or more) with me - I felt really betrayed and mutilated - by my own judgements and definitions what were here to try to hide from my own fear.

Soo. this was shortly about this 'betrayar'.

And this had a previous 'similar' experience when I was the university and I became really really sick, 42C body fever I had constantly and I was not with Eniko yet, it was when I wanted her along with half year but she denied me and went to US and then was this - and a girl, Erika was around and she was a bit like as my sister - from some ways she was more my sister. And I liked her and she was nice but I did not desired her - or if yes I was supressed it deeply - but this was somewhen around...
So she was hospitaling me at the college when I was sick - unconditionally, unquestionably she was like a second mother - and I did trust into her because of this - and when I was better - I trusted her more likely - and when after a time I came along with Eniko/Cica - she did not liked this story - but I used this story as an example what could mean and what is really important to me as she helped me to not to die and she was jealous and she did not like Erika - and even expressed this and when I was drunk I was with several drunk girls and we played in a big bed and I enjoyed to tickle Erika's bellybutton and I a bit became aroused and she also but we were drunk and with others together - nothing more happened - but of course I was already with Eniko and she did not liked this story and also this one was a bit similar what repeated after some years in spain - only the pictures were different.
And how it began - I had this self-doubt because of self-judgements and other's judgements I've taken granted about I am ugly and skeleton and not really like a 'man' because I am not playing the ego's behaviour. And I could not - because my father was not like this - simply not had 'real' example of it and I felt inferior - and I felt inferior towards those who looked 'muscular' and wide-shouldered or brownskinned or wearing expensive shoes/clothes or looking more self-confidental and being smart and being able to use words properly to have what they want.
So I hated myself because I am not like that and I supressed this - so I projected this hate to theese kind of guys - and Eniko manifested this fear. And also I feared from them about what would happen when they would see that I hate them, and they could beat me and I am powerless, so this also made me to freeze.
So Eniko manifested this as she said to me "Look at this gorgious man, how cool would be if you would be muscular as this guy, you should go to gym, if you want to please me, you go, promise me you go to gym.."
Also the rule as "The man pays always" - I hated - I hated to pay anyway because I did not have money and she had the money and gave it to me to pay in the restauarnt and I hated this because I felt powerless again - because she had the money - and I had to pay - I felt like I am a slave - and still I had to act as I have a power - but I feared about being exposed as I judged myself extensively.
So I even remember the very street and bus-stop when she said this - and by this I accepted and allowed myself to become emotional/turmoiled and supressed it and manifested as self-doubt and self-hate. Hmm.
So this was like a sprout of why I wanted to 'overpole' her 'attack' to me by other girls as for instance when I met with Erika when Eniko was with me - I was unaware but we did give 2 kisses quite close to the mouth - and Eniko hated it and I still did because then I could manifest the same inner shit in her as she did with the 'macho guys'.
So it was like a fight about who has the stronger 'hit-card' about I can prove more likely that you are a piece of shit to hide that I judge and perceive myself as a piece of shit, but by whiping it to you - I see that I am superior - - until you wont hit the next one to 'balance this relationship-fight' to equate and remain this over and over and over again.

So this was a kind of deeper line of trust in relationship.
One more 'level' back when self-doubt was caused when I was in high school and I had to wait for the bus in afternoon, many times around 2 hours and the gypsies came to messing around and getting coins and 'playing around with scary boys like me'.
And I was fearful and I felt inferior and I trusted to others, and I started to visit the library and in there I was 'in safe' and I read and read and read and read.

This was also when I was in basic school - the the sport-gym-excercise teacher judged me by my white skin and being very skinny - and I had to take away my shirt and I felt totally inferior and powerless when I was totally seeable how thin I am and how white I am and others laughed at me and I also went into deeper shit instead of realising that I accepted and allowed to take it personally instead of standing and realising that what they accept and allow within and as themselves.

But this was a bit a walk-forward as I already readed some more 'God of man' articles and this just flowed from me but atm I wanted to focus on this first part of trust Step 1, Step 2, so I will return to this article and will use this taking out samples and doing the self-forgiveness in self-intimacy to stop defining myself as this memory and to stop the relationship with the defined trust instead of being me here as self as trust as self-trust.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define partner as trust towards her to hide my inferiority within me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust within the pictures what I see by my own definitions by my own relationship with my own self-judgements.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that I did put trust into clothes and other's judgement instead of me trusting me unconditionally here all ways.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that I feared to trust within me because then I would have to stand alone and I defined trust outside from me to no need to stand alone - to not realise what it would mean to stand alone - to face with and as myself.

Self-forgiveness on actionmovie

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become emotional when I watch a movie.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become emotional when I see and hear gunshots in the movie.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define guns as manifested fear.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from shooting down.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to enjoy when in the movie somebody is shot down.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define the heroes in the movie as me.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use the movie to substitute my reality with the pictures and the sounds to escape for some hours from this reality and just watching and enjoying my inner reactions such as emotions thoughts feelings.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to be hero, because then I could kill others and becoming the hero in the eyes of others and I could find out a way to release my anger by killing others but still remaining good and right.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to react to the classical music when is theatrical on the way as it is more intense or emotional.
I forgive myself to define movie music and classical music as emotional.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold my breath when I experience emotions.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to justify my anger by wanting to be fighter or martial artist.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire power to become fearful.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to manipulate my emotions trough thoughts.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to enjoy watch people fighting according to the pictures and by previous judges such as how cool it looks like - not considering the fact that is about fear and agressions.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define women in movies as beautiful and nice faced - but in fact theese are pictures.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to become programmable trough my own fear.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that I let myself to be programmed trough media and trough emotions trough movies and ads.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire to watch actionmovie because I could watch my inner fights manifested on screen.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to learn how to shoot or how ho puch or kick to be able to protect me or others, not realising this is a desire to be more controller and manipulator within and as separation according to fear as dishonesty.
I forgive myself that I have not realised that I am the responsible for not breathing naturally as me as one as equal here when I am watching movie.
I forgive myself that I have not realised that I have to stop my mind trough being aware EACH breath here.
No excuse, no other way out - I am here to discipline and trust myself to remain inner silent.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to scratch my back when it is itchy and becoming automatic scratcher.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to scratch my head, hair, not realising that I scrach my mind to stimulate specific areas to operate, and remain as it.
I forgive myslef that I accepted and allowed myself to laugh when I see somebody shot down in a movie.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to laugh conditionally.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define laugh as joy.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use laugh to express emotionally.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from kill.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not realise what is real as here as phisical and what is illusion of mind of perceptional belief.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from not breathing properly.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define people according to their clothes.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from manifesting dishonesty.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to participate within memory.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define myself by and as my memory.
I forgive myself that I not realised that I exist as memory as pictures.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from others.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become self-interested.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to dependent on emo0tions.

Liver

I see the dishonesty about a part and is time to change.
I let myself to become aroused in some situations and it can not be denied anymore and theese energies and feelings and emotions are crawling in my trunk up and down, like the cyborg has the electricity and theese are like electric bolts are moving inside of me - a bit like entities are moving inside of me and I am of theese.
And the fact that I always wanted to let theese go, because became so intense and I even became senseless and rude because theese are totally taking control over my existence for a while and then I 'get back myself' and I say : holy shit, is intense, and then I masturbate to let it go, or I even judge myself to not masturbate(mostly it happens) and then I say then I should find a girl to make proper charge-release to re-balance and to re-main in this 'cleanness'. But I also judged this whole process of handling sexual energy, and I realised that is very nasty, so I also judged that I do not want a girl just because of sexual release - because I became so intimidated with myself - as most of the people do not dare themselves to see - why they are in relationship, and probably the main reason is this: to let them remain stable within judgemenges, emotions/thoughts/feelings and find another dishonest being who can protect this as she/he has the same and 2 are the same and supporting each as a system...
And it was so painful to see this so I denied - and I did not wanted to find a girl who I can have sex because then it could be obvious that I only want sex from her - because then I would have to see and experience that I want somebody for sex - and my illusionaric imagination of myself was more 'nice', more 'smart' than I really am. Also I feared from facing it - fear of judgements of girls and others - so I did freeze.
And when I stopped smoking - it became more intense as it started to come to surface what I accepted and allowed trough the years...

And yesterday night I realised when this girl was here - the fact is that when I want to release this energetic charge - recently I do this: well then, is not cool, but let get it done, release - and giving me into the masturbation and saying the following: "Ok, now I masturbate, releasing this energy, but then I do not have to recharge it up trough participating within and as desire, so when now I release, after it, I wont charge up again!" - and then as it happened maybe in the last months around of couple times - it became an excuse - because obviously I did not stop - and I did not have to stop what I do - because the release started to become a habbit - and because of this - I remain the same systematic programmed consciousness mind.

So why not I try to not release, not charge out, but stop - because when I release - I will restart to participate - as I defined myself as this desire, as this energy, as this frustration as this struggle, as this fight - so that's why I could not simply stop.
Because theese emotional systems within me are happening and in fact I am theese at the moment as one as equal - separated.

On thurstday I will go a party where I will see myself...Obviously my desire drives to go but it has a little fear also - because is unknown...
Is this a thirst day?


I've read the interdimensional diaries and is very assisting and I started to read the 'God of man' parts what I saw some of on youtube, but before were some very serious articles about self-trust, and control and manipulation and doubt and another was the feeding system within the pelvic area what drives the beings to remain this mind consciousness systems.
My sister called me to walk on the island above as she always wanted to visit that, and I refused it and judged the park and she is with her friend and I said well maybe, so will see.. Why I do not want to see my sister?
Because I am self-interested and judged her and the island as boring and I used this blogging as an excuse... But I direct me - and that's it...
I simply do not want to go out to the island and spend 3 hours of walking - but in fact I could use some control to dare me to go out - for instance going by bicycle and taking the camera to let me occupy - but in fact I 'have' areas where I could be bored and is not just like this - but I am define 'having a good time' as sitting the front of the computer and:
-participating within emotions such as watching movie when I do not apply self-forgiveness..
-building self-trust and enjoying moment as making video or animation

So the key is to become the self-forgiveness - not leting myself to 'ok now I forgive myself, then I will rest and watch a movie' - because is obvious separation.
But in fact I could do simultaenously as I have 2 machines, for one for blog and another to watch.
Let's do it. But first some self-forgiveness.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that I become this emotional-energetic system experience and by this I have the relationship with and as it and if I let myself to be 'spontaenous' - I operate as it - and I have to stop and change everything...
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fight.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not realise that when I think or define - I am definetly not here.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge women according to my definitions of their body about how attractive they are or not - and manifesting this polarity and projecting and manifesting it and there are women who I could have sex with and there are whose whom I not.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define theese emotional systematic movements within me as joy.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe in books that theese are what I have to develop and intensify - because I defined it as joy I wanted more joy and I wanted more emotions.
I forgive myself that I have not realised that emotions come by thoughts.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define dishonesty as joy.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define joy as separation.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define joy as a separated entity from me what is conditional - not realising that what is conditional is of the definition of the mind.
I forgive myself that I have not realised that I am joy already here.
I forgive myself that I have not realised that when I want to find joy - I am this 'want to findness' and this can be experienced when I desire joy and then I separated myself from it and that's why not experiencing as me as one as equal here and because I did not trust myself as myself here - I trusted in others who said/wrote about how joy can be found outside from me as relationship as sex or power or money -- not realising theese are excuses to not realise that I am here as joy already - but I have to stop to seek and realise everything is here as me as one as equal.
Lol I meet with my sister in the island.
I said I will met with her only at the nearly edge and she did it so I go.
After that I didnt go.

Outcast

I am getting realised how I cause the perception of an outcast.
I am here and I lost all contact - because I became stinky with my sharp tongue - about there is no middleway - robots or life - and if somebody is robot then I say it to the face.
And in the last months I spent some time to re-conform, because I had to to find a job - and at workplace I look normal, I work, having fun but in fact I am a moving experiment - I feel like I let this consciousness to experiment on me as me - as I did give my responsibility to the 'apparently-living' consciousness - now here I am nowhere - because as I dare myself to be here then I am facing with an extensive programmed behaviour and if one moment I fall - everything falls - and I am not here - definetly - without any doubt I am looking trough a strange program.
What is the meaning of this? Why is this complicated 'french-style' blabla before I just write directly?
Am I ready to let go?
I re-rewatched the last Bourne part and this is very cool script - as the Dr Hirsch at the end says 'Let go David Webb' - and 'Really give yourself to this program.' - and

'Eventually you're gonna have to face the fact you chose right here to become Jason Bourne.'

And in fact the programming is the same as the deprogramming - as I gave up everything when I let myself to be of consciousness very consciously lol - it is the same to give it up - and I had the big mouth about I am good in giving up - but in fact is a polarity - because I am definied myself as giving up but for this I need to 'collect up' to be able to give up - and all give up then gives up more and then is like a sin-us wave - but it is getting more and more intense and compounding as I am stable and I am breath and I am getting to be realised that I am here and in the next moment I am totally dissolved within the geometric relationship and I have to find out how to stand up again from scratches.
It is serious. And of course I could be having fun meanwhile - but is like 'rude' - because this is very machine-like - and the meat does not change anything - from the perspective that I have meat and bones and blood - I became a vampiristic organic robot machine for serving one goal: to feed off this human physical body of life until it has anything...

And this is no more like a sinus wave, but getting to be totally straight lines from up and down and the polarity is in crisis and really hell-like - and the supressions are coming so intensely to surface that is really more intense than on acid - but only because I stop being breath and as I stop being breath it becomes more and more real and as it becomes more and more real - I start to forget that is because of the absent of being aware of the breath of me as me here.
So this is kind of gift of slavery - this huge desire, this huge will and this enormous fear what I 'have' - theese what I have to let go and is very easy.
But this letting go-ness and giving upness I defined myself to be as it - because I had to define years ago when I 'started to be more aware' - because I thought and hoped that something what is defined becomes more stable - and in fact yes - but to be undefined : it can not be defined and is the same with the giving up. I can not define how I give up because then in fact I do not give up, only manifest to be this definition of giving up - but for to be and to remain as this - I have to not give up completely to be able to remain 'giving up' and then I could judge myself and define that I am giving up - and is a huge and very tricky loop.
So let me give up everything. What would it mean, what I want to do before death...

Giving up wanting to direct movie, giving up wanting to make music, giving up having sex with woman and giving up wanting to build programmed robots. Actually theese are here. Oh yes and giving back the loan and what else can be a purpose. Move my ass to SA.

I am sure theese are very tricky excuses to not stand up as I defined theese as standing up - but became too much predefinied - so it obviously became a burden what is related to past and by this the relationship is still here and I am occupied.
So every day I have to restart and theese points are very intensely have to be sorted out:
sexual desire, and I did let myself to tricked out and I started to watch some sex movies and then I realised holy shit I am doing it for hours and I did not let myself to masturbate but I did not stop so I became aroused - and why? Because I supressed this desire, because I denied to just let it go, I let myself to think about it - and the key was here as tiredness - as I definied myself as tired - and I definied myself as more 'fallable' when I am tired - so I was tired and I wanted to have sex - because I was tired of my intense thinking/feeling/emotional charging, so I wanted to release - and I wanted it now and I became totally controlled by this want to release this 'energy' what makes me really dizzy and foggy - but in fact this is very interesting, beacuse if 3 points I do not let fall - motivate myself to sort it out, will myself to not participate within the mindwork and just focusing to the body as me as being here and experience the sight, hearing - as the breath(in fact I infused theese with breath what I have to unrelate to remain breath and no more) -- then there is no way to fall - so I would like to write about self-will - I have to unbound the relationship with will related to the world...
I always said I have very very strong will if I decide something, but I always said: I did not decide 100% - so I did let some 'random' points to manifest what can cause my 'fall'.
And when I have the chance to remain here - I start to see the points within me and when I define - I start to project the will to a point what is self-definition - as wanting to make movie for instance - and wanting and wanting and start to will it and I start to realise how it can be manifested and then because it is past-based, because it is definition-based, because it is fear-based - I start to manifest the doubt - and within that I see that I need more will, I need more strength, more 'professionality', etc, and then it starts to grow and compound - and it causes this kind of chain-reaction as I start to literally explode - as I want it but I can't as I want to be it done so perfectly as I see that I can do this but I have to be focused stabily - but then it would mean to give up everything else - and be one and equal and then to realise that I am not separated - but this would mean I have to give up all the other definitions - and that would mean I would remain without other defense and I could manifest my biggest fear - the fail itself - but this fail would just mean that I fail from the perspective of separation. So I have to trust myself to fall. And interesting to see that I built up multiple pillars of occupations to ensure that I do not fall and moving from one and to another to not be able to even realise that I do not move just moving the focus without doing anything until it's done. And like this no need to face with the fall...
Because this fall is always a release - as it bitter as it real. And the key is the 'real'.
Because I have to dare myself to let my unreality to fall. And it will be intense, yes, it is already.
I see this outcastedness from this perspective as I am like an arrowhead - more likely a warhead - because I can shot myself up but then I do not explode - because this explosion would be irreversible - and I could burn everything up around me and I have to.

This pervertion issue comes up as I am really really capable of anything but that's why I remained an abstract unusable joker. And it is my personal joke - the kidding itself. As when I am serious like this - means the mind is bleeding and soon will upcome the innocent child personality to overcome and prove that everything is cool and I am a kid.
Polarity.
I even can not follow this writing - I just let it to be written - because this is all total bullshit - I try to prove to myself that I am really intense and kind of strong but I can not do anything really instead of expressing this intensity.
What I could represent in the matrix, cool question. I am really enjoying this process of self-realisation, because I always wanted to be the part of the whole existence and change it and is very cool that I am here and I can change myself.

And the fear of money is really ridicoulous, because I spend it as a fool - but I want to have more, and I want to spare it, so this fear comes true.
And I bought this programmable robot kit and 2 of the chip's pinfoot broke down, because it was not recognised by the computer, so I forced, and then I had to buy a soldering kit and re-solder and it is still not working - so I spent a lot of money for nothing and I ordered an another kit what will be maybe better but this caused a little frustration and I did not let myself to breath.
What else happened - I watched a movie Call of Cthulhu - and it was really cool, I always loved HP Lovecraft' works, as I always knew that the really inner darkness is in each of ourselves and he wrote it and he became sick of it and still wrote and he eaten up himself and got ass-cancer and he just died but he wrote the most fearful deep-dark frightening horrorbooks what I ever read...And in my teen age I enjoyed this because was similar to my experiences - and this movie brought it up a little. I also wanted to write a novel about this and then direct it in a movie, but I did not finished.

Also I started to make trance music tracks, around 5 I started to do what could be really cool, what I could enjoy to finish, but I judged it and I feared the outcome and regreted the time what would take away from my 'life' so I stopped those.
So this striving to express myself is what makes me to a reason to exists - it is what is killing me - so let me stop this.

I started to forget how I can act freely as much I want - I do not need to concern my outfit, or my hair, or face, or my language - I live almost totally alone and I do not have anybody.
I wanted to be more closed with my exgirlfriend who I was with at the first time at the university, but I was quite honest and said to her that "you are a robot, very cute, but just a program, will be deleted" and I also said to her that 'you could be really cool, but you are the same as others, you are not self-honest' and in fact I was with her and I desired to be able to change her to realise what could mean to be self-honest, and we spoke much, and I spoke much about process, and then I said to her that self-forgiveness is the key, but she never even considered, and I see the self-definition is more intense that could be released at this point - and I became more and more opened with her and then I just not realised that I want to use her as she is here any time when I want her - and I was like OK, maybe she can be in my movie - and I told her and I said 'I want to make some shots to see how you are capable of and how you would shown up on screen' and she said ok, but never did, and then she left her husband and I was like - cool then we could make this movie stuff, and I was very tired of my fight against my own nature and I just called her and asked about what could happen if we make some kind of sexual play and she said no thanks, she did 2 days with 2 different guys, but still did not processed her ex's story, so no.. - and she offered to go a party where I could find a girl finally and she said then she will call me - and I wanted to call her about well, an other girl also will go there or not(another exgirlfriend who said ok to make movie lol) but she did not picked up the phone and rejected and then in that moment I realised what I was doing, and I wanted to use her as a pillar, just like in the past - and in that point I said ok, then when she will call me I will reject the phone as well, to make her feel how it is like, and I also realised the dishonesty within me, and then I realised this is over, I have to let her go unconditionally, I wanted to finish this, so I deleted her name from my phone - but anyway I know her number, so I wont call her again, because it is obviously dishonesty what I did...
And ok I was like ok maybe we can make sex but I was sure about she wont realise what would process mean about, and I was like ok, then I would use her to be in movie - not realising that was manipulation and I have to realise that she is uncapable of making movie... but this was so intensely a desire so I saw it in my head...
So this point was very cool that came up to surface - but was really really intense and I felt the rude-ness of the matrix for a while but as I type here I see this is because I did not apply self-forgiveness unconditionally and I did let myself burn with what I did let come to surface...

Also there is an ex-film guy who is the producer on my project at workplace, he said I have to be specialized on the movie scene, what I want to do - computer graphics, visual effects, cameraman, lightspecialist, screenplay writer, editor, producer or director. And at first I would say that I want to direct, but this comes up about can I give up this desire about filming?

Because if I would give up everything here - it would be really cool and kind of easy - but then it has to be really absolute because then I would let myself to re-occupy with something again - but that is ok, because it would mean that something is necessary to be sorted out...

So the dishonesty is here - I define myself so much as special - but in fact I am special only to define myself so special - l o l

This lol is really like a 1 0 1 - the room of 101.
The poems and novels are really the written collar in this world - and as I read and react - I build a relationship with and within and I exist as it and I manifest it and I say hey it is like in this..



Last week I did not post this because I did not finished and was very just came rubbish ..blablabla
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At the moment basically it seems like an geometrical scientific logical system what I placed myself into and as.
Just like a well-refined computergame.
There are certain places for certain input or output.
There are some people who I keep contact up – and time to time it changes.
At this moment I keep in touch with a handful of people – and I am not judging but probably these are holding some keys.

It is like a Lovecraft novel…

So let ‘s see the people.

Hmm Cica – se was with me years before and we split – and after more some years we still keep in contact. What I want from her? I was about to have sex again but was silly.
And there was a good excuse as her husband but now he left. I like to be with the kid, but not too much time, because anyway I do not let myself too much time after work…
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire to have sex with her petite body because if I let my mind to move I see it in past as the first relevant sexual relationship what basically formed the actual sexual system within me. And my past temptates me as I face again...

And I want to learn to make videoclips...Is cool that I can choose freely and just put it together and share and do another and make it real one by one I can become practical...
At this moment I started one and will see and I enjoy it...

And I want to make this animations – now started to learn how to move athe character – it is quite complicated – it is not just ok, let it move… Every part of the movement needs to be keyframed(controlled by time) and make it ‘real’. And to give a character - how walks an old lady with big bags or a young girl how moves her hip or how a man smoking a cigarette - and as I look at it - very specific - very deeply explains the being at the moment...So to be able to see the details and be able to look some points what I would like to see on screen - aand to be able to model it down - because if I could learn it to direct on tiny CG characters - then surely I could be able to do it with real humans - to make a movie...

So, this writing shows me that it looks like I suppressed myself again and now writing writing writing and just coming all...

But is cool to realize that: hey, I realize that I do not separate myself from the words – until I realize that "Hey I realize" – like this. L O L.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use the word realize when defining something, even when it is something what can be defined as profound. It is just not necessary. Soo....

So I want to avoid to be in relationship but this words means that I give the chance so like fighting – this is again bullshit. In fact I still let myself to desire after touch(aftertouch the MIDI keyboard has it anyway but I do not use recently much) and intimacy as sex…but this is bullshit again – I realized already that this is about re-balancing the consciousness systematic behaviour – what I mean? Of course sexual intercourse.
Some years ago I also realized that this sex stuff is more complicated – so I was like avoiding until I can and then when a beautiful girl offers her ‘love’ I just let…
But after I realized one more interesting point: I do not pay the value for it…some girls sayed to me that I do not do something for it, just desiring as hoping – and this is the point...because this system balanced itself - with the fear of hurting other and the fear of loosing energy by sexing all the time..a bit similar like a guy who I know did with MJ – he stopped because when he smoked it became so intense habit so he did all the time – so it even did not effected himself really just kept him in totally stonedness and concerning all the time to remain stoned.

So is like I did this with the sex in the last 2 years – and then it just explodes and want to have right now – because this could take over my existence and just going after my dick literally…
But after it changed again as I started to transform this to making things – such as making movies and making music and learning how media works etc..
So I see that I am dangling with the carrot for myself.
Because I put desire and then pulling it away with the movement towards it.
Because I am here – and all I search and all I want is already here – me – my presence – my trust within me and just breath and let myself to not think.
Because obviously this thinking is very limiting and quite ridiculous.
So the self-honesty is the key – as I let myself to ‘be’ and not judging what I do – so like this letting go of wanting to control and having this strong commander about what I perceive, what I experience, what would be cool or what I want…
And then facing with silly/crazy/mad/painful experiences and then just seeing is this self-honest, am I dare myself to see why I do this or no. And then applying self-forgiveness…
And there is another self-forgiveness, what I do when I realize hey shit I forgot that I am here…because I wake up as thinking, and think some and then hey shit STOP.
And then forgiving this to stop…
And what is very assisting to say: I do not need to desire, no need to think about anything, no need to fear from anything, because I am here – so just breath and when has to then just do but if it is not here then let me not participate within memory.
So this part just was like what I wanted to bring up – more accurately I wanted to write down and now it is done…
So this people listing – maybe at the end I will re ‘render/order’ the columns of sentences, but anyway I write to myself and sharing…

Because the story of course will be about oneness and equality and facing past and then changing and how it affects the world directly and how the world directly affects the character.;..And being very intimidated with the inner movements – driving it until the point when all falls down and the pure ‘personality’ is front of the camera what is not even personality but someone who is really really the actor/actress without masks and that would be awesome to learn how to script up speeches and situations and then learn how it would be cool on screen.
So it will be a kind of experiment – because I know her and I have very strong ideas what I want to make – and it can be that of consciousness and that’s why self-dishonesty – but in fact I see nothing but consciousness at this moment – except of the breath what drives me…
So I would like to work with her – and sharing what would be self-honesty – and within that exposing myself and applying self-forgiveness and just using it on the project and on her and on me so this was the original stuff but then I realized that would be more fun if more people would join – so I saw what I ‘have’ so Viola came up as a name as I learnt quie enough about her also and she would be a very strong person on screen if she could act appropriately.
Of course I need more 2-3 people who would be also key in the first movie to be able to direct properly what I want tho share… but I am sure it is already here just have to realize it…

So this movie – and this persons I script up about being with them and then not wanting to have relationship because that already happened so I see the ‘con’sequences so I can say no and focusing on myself and the ‘work’.

And I have the tendency to wanting too much and then saying – ah it is too much – so making it by little steps it is possible.
And no more need just a cool HD camera with a crane. And of course a bit stronger computer, but after finishing the loanpayback I can upgrade the tech stuff.

So this directing is quite big issue but in fact the mind is big and I am here as the wholeness of everything without size.

Most important about this atm to not mix up the screenplay script with the directing and cameraman issues – because these 3 are totally separated realms what come together as one – at the very manifestation from 3 separated directions – but first need to be able to stand alone each.
As being able to word up a good story and characters and then being able to find visual implementation and then direct it appropriately and meanwhile being able to improvise without loosing the focus from the whole.

1 screenplay writing – need to continue to write about personal issues – what would change a person from the persceptive of self-honesty and then how it would practically influence the act and the perception of moments, days…
And still remain interesting and not too slow and of course not so much to film it..

2 camerastuff – I realized it is not just about taking the cam and record – it is not so easy – but what I can do that I can empty myself and then I experience as the camera – without notes without definitions just the observer – and then be able to direct this observer and not let myself to personally bond to the experience but remain totally empty – and then I can see what it is like and how it would be seen by others just the picture – and panning, zooming, the perspectives…. So it is also an experiment…The camera what I can use is borrowed and not so big resolutioned but very very handy. I found some places what would shown up quite cool – I will refine these situations as scenes with the characters.

3 directing – this is the more dangerous so I can say because to direct everything and that would mean to be able to say to others how I want things to be done – I see that I desired power – but now I motivate myself and will myself to be absolutely self-honest and let myself to expand as influence as the principle of oneness and equality.
And here comes in the animation stuff – as I started to learn how to animate computer characters – so in months I learn them to move and animate according to he role what I want to use them for…and gives them live – trough movement – very interesting – to see how I move, how a man moves when have pain or when feels happy or sadness…
And then just using the virtual camera to move and pan and zoom around and make preparations about how it would look if I would have to make it ‘in real’.


I start all of three – writing and writing – and playing with the camera and then cutting and seeing on screen – and see perspectives and then movements on screen back…
And the third with 3DS and AfterE.

This geometry is like I put myself into levels and then wanting to be done those and this means that I wond make it as my expression but more likely as a duty, a todo, a job – what is unacceptable. So that’s why I dare myself to do…

And this movie also can be a big divertion from music – as I still defined that I can not make music because I want to hear it aloud – and I still in this house with neighbours.
So that’s why was cool the idea to move – but the girls who I pay for the flat – she said maybe I can stay – so then I was like ouuhh, and I said well I like to be here – that was the part what does not want change and because of the awesome view from the window to the river, the island and the trees.
But I no need this anymore – I rather prefer a windowless flat – but I still ‘need’ internet, water and heat, and also would be cool a washing machine.
Also was an idea about maybe a little bit bigger place where I could set up some lights and a greenscreen to record shots inside. But bigger place means more money.
And I do not want to pay much. But I want to be able to listen very loudly – as this trance music what I want to make is built on the vibrational bass and the ruthless monotome kick drum and the very hard and aggressive synthsolos. Haha
So that’s why I do not have face to develop this in this house where I always hear the little kids…
So at this moment this is quite important – to move – to change – to let this go what I have now – and take the computer, the sound stuffs and let all other go.
Music and video – was an idea about choose one but no need – I want both – I can – and later will be decided or not – or both I will let go – at this moment does not really matters.
So this loan stuff looks like goint to it’s end – and then I will be faced with the money issue again – because now I do not buy anything – but I want – what I want and why?
I want to buy HD LCD and big and fast hard drive to be able to process and edit videos with the laptop.
And I want to have a cool microphone – because then I could start to record the jewsharp and drum stuffs – and Lacko can come and rap up some stuffs as we decided to make some kind of more mainstream project than the psytrance – mixed with breakbeat,dnb,ambient effects.
So this music stuff is cool – but I have to learn how to use sequencer as guru program and learn some virtual synths really - using them as walking – and listening and editing and using EQ and put them together – as naturally as I eat for instance.
I can do this – all my life was about to get this point when I can start, now I have this…

At this moment I play with computergames – this would mean that I suppressed some stuff and not want to face – but in fact I desired to play with these some years ago and now just let’s face it and see what dishonesty lies behind it…
And what I seee – it is similar than sex – a bit like I am not here, and doing this as a robot, and then some parts I really enjoy and then I want to repeat these peaks so I would decide to restart – as the FPS game is about running, grabbing weapons and ammos all the time and shooting basically every movement objects until it moves, and the RTS games are about building big factories and many many units and lead them to battles and then conquer territories where I can extract natural resources to be able to defend and destroy the others and then upgrading and using more and more strong weapons even nuke and then ruthlessly destroy all and then when is over then just is done.
So this kind of obsession and suppressed anger and hate and want to have power – human shit…


And one more stuff: the robot issue – I want to build programmable robots what would be fun – and later maybe I could use this in other areas – such as movies – I will see .


So the people again who I am in contact:
Marti – Zoli- the living mate’s ex girlfriend – she offered to me to live together but probably because some times I was about how would be to have sex with her – but in fact she is not so stable and can be pissed off and taking pills to calm down – and not really self-honest…but looks good – so I had to ask Zoli’s the camera from her and she opened the door in panties and she said that she is looking after a place to live so if is possible would be cool if we could live in a flat in different rooms but I said I want to make crazy enormous loud trance and she said is ok, and even she likes – but she have rabbits and she thought I can bear the animals in a house with her. And when I asked her about light systems – she is photoman(woman) – she said she would like to act a blond in a movie lol… So this would be very strange to live with her but it is obviously not what I want.
And yesterday she came again and and I repaired her windows and spoke and she is quite in a big desire even when whe spoke for some sentences about thes, she said she becomes so possessed so she started to feel hurt in her belly and said it is like when the guys say hurt in the balls because want sex but there isnt...
So was like ok I do not want to have sex with her - but I experienced arousedness before she came so was like a manifestation of my desire and then she gave me some sexual videos and said those are really cool so then she ate some food and then left...And I looked into the movies and I experienced that I become aroused so then I deleted those.
But this is again a kind of fight - I accept and allow and then deny and struggle against it...

Another point the guy who I live with and he is not here in this last month because of his girlfriend and probably because he became disturbed with the fact that he can not pay for me - since almost a year but some he always paid – now is about 500 euros he owes to me and last week he wrote a letter to me about from Monday he will work and will pay for me and looked very happy about it…
I dedided that day to tell him at next meet about it would be necessary to make some money because I am left alone to pay the whole shit and in fact is for him as well and he should stand up and take self-responsibility and not always blaming those who do not pay for him – because then for me who pays --- so I realized this is the past – I still do this for another guy – and when I sort that out – this will be fixed as well – or ‘automaticly’ – or I will have to direct the situation – but what I accept and allow : I am – so I stop this.

Another post will finish this part

Self-forgiveness

There are some points what came up recently and are related to past what I allowed to manifest again...as I see it is the self-trust and self-judgement what are being tested - and how? Like I am here and I do not want to re-occur the past what I already realised that was dishonesty, illusionaric and of separation, but at the same time - I let myself to express as it comes - and not fear from manifest something shit - because then I wont face the consequences and then all would remain a kind of simulation and then I simply wont change.
Because interesting observation that I want to change but this 'I want to changeness' is a kind of pillar to not change - because then why would want to change, why not, just: change?

So because I want to change - that implies the fact that I want but I cant.
So this want is also a separation - separation from myself, from my act from my presence and more likely as a desire.
To desire to not want, to desire to not desire - or to want to not desire or to want to not want...are looks like the same...

"I want this done" - then do - and by doing I am this as one as equal. Let me stop this relationship with the stopness and this want - because if I want - I remain this 'wanter'.
And within the act of wanting - if I perceive myself as this 'wanter' - then I will judge myself as I am wanting - and then the self-definition arises and manifests...
And then I become the want itself, and the subject of the want goes background - until I do not face and stop this illusionaric self-identification with this 'wantness'.
And then I come to the same point where the subject can be seen again and then facing with that and can be understood and stopped and realised.

This tendency can be seen in myself on many areas: woman, tech instruments, music, movie.
But because the root of them looks like the same picture - I stabilize the expression of and as self-forgiveness here about this point to emerge it into and as myself to be able to see it as it and be one and equal and finally stop this dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to perceive something separatedly from me.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself as separated.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that I am the responsible totally for all what I experience - so I have to stop to experience it's stop.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want things what I can not simply get at the moment - by the definition of it what is merely an idealistic perceptional past-based, self-judgement-based dishonesty.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define myself as somebody who wants.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want things instead of act and experience.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to play with the idea of want because then I have the 'space' within my mind to plan and simulate before I decide to act -- not realising that is all of illusion - total bullshit...more precisely it describes my dishonesty so let forgive it to myself as myself unconditionally.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to becoming dependent to the act of wanting.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want things because then I have the occupation of want.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use 'wanting' as an excuse to actually not living.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a 'wanter'.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge myself about I want things.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge myself about what I want.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to actually directly direct the situation because then I would become exposed - and fearing from the consequences -- not realising that I fear from my memory to manifest - and my act automatically becomes the reflection of the fear - of the definition of the actual fear and it manifests.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to trust into my wantings - instead of daring to see it as it in self-honesty and if is necessary then applying self-forgiveness immediately without separation.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define myself as my past.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deny my past.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from manifesting my past.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to escape from my past.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge my past.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to shame my past.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from being judged according to my past.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to regret what I did in past.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to say that I do not regret my past but it is not true - because then I would not remain in the past because then I would changed.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from becoming brutal when I do express myself without anything.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from not being able to think, because then I would manifest who I really am and then I would have to face with the accepted and allowed expression - but this is inevitable.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define thinking as stabilizator.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to my thoughts.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to supress my thoughts.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from manifesting my thoughts.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire to become thoughtless.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to conform according to other's judgement.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to conform to others according to my judgements about their judgements about me.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to doubt within myself.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not trust within myself totally, unconditionally.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define myself exhausted - not realising that is the mind consciousness system what is exhausted because of the immense manifestation of dishonesty what I accepted and allowed to expressed.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from not supressing my thoughts fears - because then I would have to face again.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire and want somebody who can support me in stopping the mind because at one point when I would experience myself here then I can be frightened and then would be cool somebody who could say - hey, breath and trust yourself.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from myself.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that I fear from myself - who I perceive myself to be.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define myself as somebody who can be frightened when stopping the mind - not realising that the mind itself has the ability to fear - and that simply would mean that the mind is still who I perceive myself to be - according to the fear -- as memories about me fear in situations.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use fear as a tool to survive.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from not being able to survive.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from not being here.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from not brething properly.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to supress my breath to not being aware of what I do, think, feel etc.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the supression of breath.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to shame my fear - because of others' judgement.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define an idealistic talamon and trying to project it as who I am and when it becomes obvious that I am not my desired ideas then I would manipulate to remain this.
I forgive myself that I accepted ana allowed myself to use manipulation to myself to remain within separation.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from others and then I would desire to manipulate them within and as separation - instead of daring me to become one and equal - - more likely to realise that I am already one and equal with and as others here.