As I am defining - I am not silence - as I am grabbing this in and as mind - I am not here.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to be always here.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to realize that all intent are causing an energetic movement what just simply separation.
I just started to listening music Kindzadza and in the track a guy says:
"If you change the rules on what controls you - you change the rules on what you can control..."
This rule is strange - as I did not wanted to take over the whole existence - strange but because my starting point was mind consciousness system - but as I am life as all as one as equal - I am all - so I am responsible for everything as I am infinite moment. And it is strange to write this but this in fact what is here. Always is here. But I am not always here, I choosed to not being here, to not see what is necessary to be done. And now the inevitability is here. No more stuff.
This breath I am. And this. And this. I am breath.
Breath as expression.
So breath is my key. Key of life. Life of key.
I breath always. But I am not aware of it. And if yes - everything starting to compressing to here. That is what I am. The com press I on who am I as the infinite expression of life: everything what i was, I am, I could be: I bring everything here. Here. Now. Now. No more future. No need. The future could mean, I am me here, so I am desiring something in the forthcoming, aiming, planning, imagining - what I just can not reach now, what I am not now. This is just nonsense.
What I am here - that is the future. No more. How I am expressing myself now - that is my future - no more timeloop. The timeloop means I am still fearing to be totally here - that mean that I am trying to project myself to the future - like with a spotlight I light there to see where I am going, because from this point that would be cool...Because I am not seeing here now...
This breath: when I am realizing that I am not breathing - but I am in and as this mind and breath seems to be like ' backyards' the breath just happening but nothing new, nothing moment occurs - I am in my past or I am playing the past-based future projection - project I on.
And when I realize that I am not silence - emptyness as nothing needs to be grabbed as definition - de finit I on - and than I breath - like that is a choice when I am choosing to give away those stuffs - and this self-forgiveness is very assisting to help me 'mark' and 'release' theese bondages by understanding - why I am not here? Because if I just do this 'breath' without understanding, without transcending, embracing, forgiving - sure it will come back...I know this already, I see, I experience...
So I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to use self-forgiveness unconditionally when I am realizing that I choosed my-deception about not being here...
And from a perspective that is ok -- okay like I had to face, I have to experience this 'mind-movement' to see to transcend - because it is within me - and when I am not transcending in and as moment as me - then I am just simply stupid - because I am making timeloop - I am making frustration, comphounding unnecessary shit -- what is just not necessary.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to straight go back into the mind deeply as I am totally not here -- like absolute different experience I get -- simply because of a thought or some kind of determined system -- actually just happened with this music Kindzadza...
And this is dishonesty - as the first movement is like ok 'looks like a cool imagination' as this moment I got this ' this track what I am listening, called 'superstrings' -would be a cool video audio for showing up the 'phisical' world's signal's nature, about how things are built from the very basic' - but after this just some associat I on occurs, and I am hovering in the mind - and just not here - and strange, because I still hear the music, still can sit but the silence of me is just fall apart and --yawn:I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to yawn, to not hear, not being aware what I was on just before the yawn, what I wanted to shut down...
So this is very strange stuff and I formed up, I remember, especially when I was around highschool I did a big 'advantage' in this. As I have big talent to this imagining - because I was totally lost and powerless in my reality and I wanted to find freedom and free self-expression, what I just couldnt - so I did 'my best': used my mind to imagine worlds, events, experiences - I became master of imagination - as I've became the absolute slave of it.
And after all some years ago I had to realize - what I am imagining in my mind - that just does not wants to happen in my reality - as I was satisfied with inside - magic, power, sexuality, freedom - I just did as within pictures in my head...
So when I took first acid around 21 years old I was - I decided to stop imagination as I did before - because I realized that is just not so real and if I can do more real, why not?
Like this intention to be real, to do real, THE REAL.
And when I took this psychedelics - -very cool to not forget why I am writing this, about breath here - what else lol-- I realized this 'real' word is just seems to be quite abstract. Until a point when I am interacting face to face - then seemed to be like everything is predetermined, as my inner setting and the outer set had determined what kind of could happen + some random = was my experiences...
After I start to write about a half hour - everything is getting so close, as I would like just write for a month all the time -- as I am experiencing everything I want to write out, and sometimes I even loosing the thread and I just let myself write out, but like this sometimes I just not go until the 'root'/the deep core what I about wanted to write to see one and equal as me.
But maybe that is ok. But also now a tendency came out, as I am doing something, and I was like:
--in the past I did not do much things, like 'writing music', or 'writing forum' and I had the tendency like listening again and again - as I wanted to see me in my 'creation' and the ego as the echo of the mind always interfered - so at the same time I formed the habbit as - I just do something and go forth in the same moment, even sometimes not remembering - and now I just realized when I am not remembering what I have done -- that is probably not me..
I write write write write writing as me as the laptop as the screen as the letters as the letters as the word as me as one and equal no separation. I forgive myself all separation. All separation is within me what is necessary to forgive unconditionally.
So this imagination is frequently comes up as I am not here and this just starts and I still cant cut it in and as the moment when arises - and pulls me into this tube for some moments...
And what I realized, when I am realizing that I am 'deeply in the mind-maze' I forcing my body to breath, like intense breathes I take and breath out and what now I also see that I use this as a joy as 'returning back to be breath for some moments' - but until I defined it as joy - and as this joy-energetic stuff occures I can return to the mind, like the dolphin under the sea, but sometimes comes up for breath...
And this is a polarity manifestation of separation of mind probably by defining moments as situations what are 'less' than others so this could bulild up as burning into my self expression.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to think/form/believe that some moments are more than others - not realizing that I am the moment, all moments I am infinitely - and even one moment I am not me as breath as moment -- I fall into mind, I fall into self-dishonesty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define moments as divine - not realizing that is polarity so has to exists then the opposite - and by this the tendency of being aware of moments is ordering by the definitions of priority of 'awareness' what is just simply self-deception.
I watch this Noein series - very assisting, and very funny because the girl for me looks like a bit like my ex-wife what is very funny --and brings up some what is necessary to forgive.
I forgive myself that I did not used common sense in the past when I was in relationship with her, and even when she dared me to do this - I just couldnt.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that she is my own precious.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into the emotional dishonesties in order to not being absolute self-honest with her, just because of the fears in me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from loosing her.
So I lost her - totally and I was like that is cool, and I was totally fool, like the all of the civilized humanity - I did the same circles, I operated just same as the other as I let myself to be programmed as the system wanted to grown this society and I was in and as this society of the manifested fear of loosing. I was so fearful when I felt like loosing her - because of her beauty went into my mind. Because her body was beautiful and I was like that is the pointer who I am how I am and what I am about how beautiful and clever and etc girl I was in relationship.
All was my imagination. And I did it so much, so It just manifested. And I just had to realize that all my desires are nothing. Are just divertion from the fact: I am fearful, and I was like, oke because I was fearing loosing her, you know this BBBIG love what changes the world, and the fact is that : this fear was already inside me, I was already fearful, just the object of it changed - like floating woodpieces remained from a sunk ship and I was jumping from one to one as I started to 'stop' on a floating definition inside me - it just started to sink, and after a while I had to jump to another.
I was this jumper - and the enlightenment was a big jump, like ok seems to be that jump is what could be the final jump and after I do not have to jump..but that also sunk.
And I have to realize that I who is me this I
is always here - it is the fact what made me to stop for a moment as ok then this means this I -
I have to see this I - me. Me me memememememento.
And as I wanted to see myself - I saw strange: I am dead.
And I was like ok, probably because this is the normal, but no..this is insane.
Time to wake up. The dead has to be birth life from this body - as breath of life as the infinite expression who I am as this " I " - what is one and equal with and as all.