Starting point

Very assisting to speak with somebody who can have common sense about some topics, for example death and sexuality, but I have to realize all people has some kind of polarity opposite what 'helps' handle this...for example she who was a guest at my place for some time she said this love and universal energy is the life and that was the only one what we did not agreed, but she said: ok I do not agree.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not being me when I have a guest who is a girl.
But very cool to see all this programs what could start - and of course started before when I was around this sexual desire, as I have to find somebody outside from me to get joy, to get this hunger to be feeded...But now I just did not let myself to separate from me and when we just spoke about this kind of things, I felt like a bit as the words was sounded myself I started to react as sexual arousing, and very interesting to see that is not really me but just the inprinted program to react to this words - like the kids I say 'ghost' and the kids are like whhooooo.
Not different...
I was always around this sexual desire and many times I just did not wanted sex - because I did sex as meditation - or I did sex as drugs - and I did form this kind of diversion about sex is less than 'experiencing the nature of mind' and things like that - but all is really the same.
Just the pictures are different.
This pictures are very strange things...As I started to use this After Effects video studio program, I see how easily can be made from 2D pictures to 3D - just as the animation is going -the perception from the camera shows me as it is moving, it is changing, it is in 3D - but not. Just the computer renders it as the effects and the parameters are moving and trough time the changing appears. And very strange to see how much I was occupied with some effects by some drugs and I was like probably that is the nature of the mind - and the nature of the mind is simply just picturebased information system what is a part of a consciousness what is became symbiotic with the 'self' who we are really...
Strange this fear - of being busted about all what people are is just pictures - mind-definitioned picures what are we using to show, using to hide, using to become until that we just forget that we are not this. Very strange to see this, and even that would not be easy to describe this process as what I see or experience inside me as how I became obsessed this pictures...
And how I lost in the experience of hiding in this reality to trying not even remember that I am responsible. I am who let myself being programmable, I let myself to be programmed.
Expression...
About fear of not being able to express myself - that the limits - what are actually my own accepted nature - what are makes this sense of not having enough time, not having enough power, not having enough ability, capability to express who I am...and if I cant express myself than maybe that would mean that I am not this...And this fear just enormously comphounded.
And the strange part is I still do not remember much - what makes me just like 2 pointed - makes me easier to focus here what is happening now...but from other side I still do not remember those points when I let myself influenced and just I realize - shit I was not here - and as I am realizing that ' shit I was not here' --also this is like I am not here, but it is a bit like starting to realize -- and I just breath and breath and breath and breath and after becoming something easy and strange but same time is like - everything is here - and as I am starting to experience this 'everything is here'-ness I am facing with and as who I am, the totality of myself in and as oneness and equality -- and this is the point where I am facing with the fact that I have some ' unforgiven programmed behaviour what is not me' what as it comes forth - I just let myself to influenced - like it manifests as program of personality of mind-consciousness system movement - - because I am facing to see that I am still 'doing' this what is not really me but necessary just stop...

Strange...as everything is here - I am becoming the experience what I havent embraced --more likely I go into that mind-definition tube-maze to experience --and 'sometimes' takes a while when I realize 'shit tala what is going on' - and this is the point when I realize the starting point is me as self-honesty as returning always to the fact that I am here, and I am breath, and when I miss a breath of me of my body of life - I am not here as everything who I am as oneness and equality...
When I woke up in the morning as breath of me as me as moment as me - it was like for some moments I was breath totally and I saw pictures and this is what is not explainable - but as I saw this pictures some it became so intensely close as I wanted to investigate what are theese pictures what I contain - and as I moved - I lost myself in theese pictures...strange...
It was like when I am browsing around the hard-drive and clicking to every file to see what is that, and what could happen if I start this .exe and I have no idea about what is that file, because I do not remember what is that, but as I start - it starts, and starts to run...and until I am not in that program and seeing that is that and hmm it is not me but I click to exit (or if it stuck, I have to kill that process literally) and then I realize shit, I ran this program...
That happened when I woke as breath and I became fearful - as my starting point I lost, I forget, because the fear program started to run, and I moved in this picture reality and as I moved I lost for a moment, and I was like ok breath - knowledge what I gained but instead of being the 'just do it' I just forced to do - and I opened the window to breath 'more, deep, fresh' air but in fact that was not the cause of loosing myself and mind starting to operate and you know, this reality starting to be very 'solid'---and from the window I saw a car just stopping and I was like 'ok agents are coming, they registered that I am waking up, and now facing with this matrix story'....
Strange!!! The deepest fear -- just came, and played with me to show my nature --
And the car just slowly came and turned around under the house and stopped for a moment under my window, and after went by and stopped bit more far and I was like 'WTF' - and of course nothing happened, and as I became 'conscious' I realized that 'tala that is irrational fear, stop' but I just couldnt...
And of course many people can say 'I am too much doing this and going insane shit' but in fact I have to wake up, as no one else will do it for me...so I share that if you wake up as breath as moment you are you and facing with and you as who you really are so nothing is strange...
So...I watched the car until I saw someone came from the house and went into the car and when I saw it was gone then I was like : "Ok. You see: FEAR."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to hold my breath when I am trying to not making noises - not realizing that breathing as naturally is not making noizes.

I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to be starting point of me who I am as breath as moment as oneness and equality as life.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my breath.

And recently I started to see as moments by moments I am doing this breath and nothing else as I am becoming comfortable with myself - the presence of me - but when not - that is the realization of me as comphounding everything what is not here to being able to see here - to embrace...
As now I have bit like tiredness and anxiousness what is coming from I am impatiently want to express myself - as I want to make theese videos done but still I am facing with the technical fact- instead of just silently taking into particles and do by half minute- ok half minute and collecting the parts and putting together in other program - because my computer is oooold.
But that is not the reason why I miss the breath - just the effect...
And yesterday for a moment I was like well, it is chill - and I was like ok this is the silence before the storm - and after this girl came and showed up some shit inside me and I watched some hours of video making tutorials and I was like hmm strange..
And even now I am facing this fact that I am not comfortable a bit in my body...
Water breath and I lie down for a moment to relax and continue to do my videos what I do and not miss the breath of who I am -- as no need to thing, no need to concern...just do it without time without any idea - as I am here and I am the expression of life as me...

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed not breath as me as here who I am as life.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear of not being good enough in video making.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think that I am inferior and needs years to use this program properly - as I already know that is bullshit, just have to sit down and do it.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to loosing my innocence of child.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowd myself to forget that I am breath as life as here.
And the starting point is oneness and equality and that is very 'good' to always return to this - and not makes me to 'waste' or 'fly away' for hours because I realize that I am this, and now stop everything what diverts me from being just 'easy breath here'.