and I have only this one moment to just act or speak -
and if I miss - Something could happen by the frustration(even the smallest, what arised by "I didnt dared myself to express me in and as moment as me") that I want to define it in the 'next moment' to 'force it to be expressed' via my definitions - and if I do - I fall - and I do and I am not here --
And basically in this moment I see that "shit, it happened" - what is also cool to not become the tailbiting snake self-eater judgement - but to remember that I have issue to forgive because I see - I choosed deception...
also can occur - that I get to face things - even can be people's belief about 'reality', 'truth' --
if I am silence, that I remain silence - if I see the fraction of fuzzy -"reaction by my pre-judged defined limited 'worldview'(even it is about oneness and equality if it is not lived: just remains as idea) then I have to be quiet - and just be here and be aware what is the moment NOW - let go that as past by simply knowing that it definetly will come back to face -to transcend- so 'better' to remember to write out 'later' - forgive, embrace etc-because inevitabely all of a sudden I will face with this situation again, BUT NOW it is gone, 'let that go' ... "another" moment is here, so just let's remain here in MOMENT what is HERE.
As until I am mind consciousness system - moments are different - and every moment is a transcendence point, that's why seems to be separated moment...until there is something what defines that moment as separated moment -- but in fact HERE is always NOW - so strange
system perspective - moment perspective ..ok let this go...
strange - and as I do 'this' --an example comes:::- just an 'old' buddhist friend jumped in last night - he was high after a 'sniff of speed' and we danced and transferred music files and blabla and he was asking 4 contact for acid & ganja and was interesting - he just checked on web his new pills what kind of effect he can count on -- based on other's experiences(many has just shit, poison, so people here do this for 'damage-reducing')- so when he saw the 'Mercedes triangles' on pills he became so happy about 'tomorrow partyyyy' and I was with him and I was bit innocence in the moment as 'I am me as before with him' but I do not take shit - I said when was necessary from 'hip' - "high means: down."
But actually very assisting to realize: ah storm raised, and I didnt hide so I am here, no shelter, so let's just be here and breath....this "let's" a bit sounds like splinter like but sometimes it is just like a "PING", an AHA.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to react* by my definitions - not realizing that is my previous decision's burden - consequence - what is actually not me but was necessary to react like that by another previously programmed definition/behaviour - so it manifested as an event what can trigger me to 'activate' this react* I on to be able to face, realize, understand, transcend the self-dishonesty in and as me.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to wanting to 'pull over' the moment what is passed but I didnt expressed myself as self as moment, but I stuck, and like that I desire to "charge out" this frutration about I was not me as expression as moment as me but a mind-based reaction -- so this charge out is also definition based programmed reaction what is unnecessary, and not me, so just STOP. Understand that will come back automaticly, so let it go.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define myself trough other's perceptions and by this enslave me to determine and limit me.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to forgive myself.