Oukeaaay. I put everything here front of me as writing to this blog as one and equal.
I had to face with some facts what I just write down: at workplace I am not bad - I am quite effective - and there was some doubt but I spoke with my boss, - he is not really bossy - and he said I am doing well and I asked how I could be more effective and he said I have to be more independent, but still be able to see when I have to ask when I stuck - to not spend too much time.
This just came from me that I undonditionally trusted in the other program system what is the basic pattern of the portal/site what we build up - instead of seeing that was mistaken or simply need some courage to apply my own common sense about ' this solution would be more cool' - so some stuff came up about I take granted what the system shows up to me - instead of just 'hey now I take the responsibility of change this stuff.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to doubt in myself as myself - not realising that I am here as me always - and my foundation is me as one and equal as life as moment as self trust.
I just bought a new external keyboard - on the notebook was not so pleasant to type much - as summer comes the whole machine is getting more and more hot - and was not cool to touch that hot stuff and more natural to type on 'normal keyboard'. So now this is very cool, I do not have to touch the laptop. And I also opened the laptop totally up because it is getting quite old and I realised that I do not have money to buy a new one - and now it is opened to keep it cool.
Where the processor is - on that surface I could fry eggs literally lol...
I saw Noein and that was very assisting. Strange this tale is bit similar than LAIN but yet different. And now took down Tekkonkinkreet, will watch soon... And Noein brought up some from past with my ex wife - she looks very similar than Haruka in Noein. Haha...
2 days before I visited her, there is a village where she lives with her sun. And I went out by train with my bicicle, and from a village went across a national park and was quite hilly and very cool nature - I did not go out from Budapest since months. And I enjoyed to be with them. She is alone in general with the kid and the nature is very close. And I experienced some reactions inside was my past, the most relevant was as she weared tiny pantals I faced with her ass and I was lol. And I did self-forgiveness...And we went to sleep on bed she, the kid and me. And when the kid slept in, we went out the kitchen to speak, and was very cool, as I just spoke, much I showed up how I experience, process, past with her, self-forgiveness, self-honesty, dishonesty, the portal, my experiences...About spiritual deception, separation, seeking self outside etc..
And I explained my experiences about waking up as breath as me as moment as me in the morning as I faced with myself without mind and how I experienced the pictures and this scarcity within me, and now this experience is getting more and more clean and now it is very clear what happened. How I experienced the picures of the mind and how I experienced my body as me as I contained the systems and how I lost my starting point of me as me as moment as breath as the 'fear of not breathing properly' knowledge fear of loss demon I posessed. And how I freaked out about I am now waking up in the matrix(as I literally started to see trough pictures I was like Neo), and I was afraid of loosing this - not realising that is my nature of me what is cannot be loosed and everything started to be here and what I did not transcended as self-dishonesty, as systems - and I did not applied self-forgiveness immediately so just manifested to face: fear of being caught by system agents LOL and this fear implied to think and my very mind started to run and I realised that was fake fear of self and now I still learn from those moments as I am not separated really from anything of me - everything is here.
This is very specific as brought up much, and probably this is my transcendence point as facing the biggest fear. This concept of big biggest is also very cute, as the measurement is also just an illusion. She also asked about her allergy, maybe I should ask it why she has, and I yesterday did, asked Lilly and she said " Talamon, allergy with regards to your wife is an inherent fear, 'generational fear' - passed on within her generation - towards that which she is allergic to - so it's to do with fear".
After we went to sleep, and in morning I was with a cat and listened Sunette's Law of my Being - first I saw the video of this article, and now listened it on mp3. Very assisting. Some days ago I listened the Sunette: Self-intimacy and that was also very revealing.
This 'knowledge' of course not really new information, but as it is described - brings up a lot and by the specific words - opens and reveals much.
Very cool that I allowed myself to spend more 40 euros(was totally 120euros) to my new phone and now I can listen mp3 and do audio/video log anywhere at any time - what is not so big 'quality' but very instand and cool. And as I go to work with bicicle I can listen desteni articles, as somebody shared this: Desteni articles mp3 library. Also was very assisting to listen Benazir's articles. Soo...I was in nature with Cica and her booy and was quite cool, the nature is astounding there, I did some sniffs on nature, now I have some minutes about nature, I will use it in video.
I was quite distracted about the idea that I do not want to write the blog as a diary, but I do what is necessary to do. And now it is very cool.
And I came back from the country yesterday and I clicked some more on my video, what I am doing for learning AfterEffects video editor, and I got a call from friends that 'tonight is party in another city, a cool party, a psytrance, with local cool performers, also with my friend Spoon. So I decided to go, and after I got a place in a car, so we went out, and the party was cool, near a highway in the nature, near a lake, was quite cheap and about 500 people and the intense psytrance was on, and others took some stuffz, as substances or plants and was cool to experience this not separating myself from anything, even with the drug - as once I rolled a joint for them for fun and seeing the reactions - I will never forget to roll a joint as naturally as I walk - so we laughed much, and I did not judged, I felt like I am kid, but sometimes happened that this kid was much up and too much fun caused that I was not aware what I do so I said out loud that I am the starting point of me as oneness and equality as life as moment here and I let go everything else - and I remain...
So that was like I was around the party and danced much. And I experienced much much less obsession on girls - and I had to realise that the acid and ganja was before a tool to not realise what I am doing, but as I stopped and I still visit the parties as I still enjoy to dance and breath - much goes - many judges - for example "nice girl" "cool part of the music" "i am tired" "that movement was silly, not professional" or "this guy is totally twisted" "i am awareness and" or "I am very cool that I am totally clear and I can enjoy the party" or "I could get close to her"...So theese just didnt come...and around 4AM I realised that I did not concerned about girls really - and as this thought came up, once I saw a girl and once I thought that she is cool - just because of my mindset - and I did self-forgiveness and let go...And this party mind-posessions I am starting to see - as how people's mind work at parties. And many are quite similarly triggered. For example if a girl wears clothes for example as X. She simply triggers in the druggy guys around her - as they are going in their mind and past dishonesties popping up via the girls -- strange but self-forgiveness is the very tool to unlink theese programs, to be free and be here unconditionally. So I was quite amazed how much I released and I was just enjoying dance and next stuff what came up the abusing of my phisical body. As this trance is quite fast and intense, with the big speakers and the bass is vibrating, like DU DU DU DU and the kick drum is TAM TAM TAM TAM and the hihat is like TC TC TC TC and this is very powerful and if I am here as dancing - this music is like a streched out sound vibration field in 3D - and as I dance and everybody does and the music is 'cool', I experienced this 'wanting to dance more' what is comfortable for my body - as I do very intense movements what is just not comfortable for doing it hours by hours - so I started to experience as naturally I stop and take a break and drink water or sit down - I experienced some separation about I wanted to stop because for being able to dance more what is not honest but sometimes I just stopped and sat with faces and spontaenously speak - and if I speak more than I need - I automaticly loosing awareness of breath here. So this is very interesting. And in the dance I experienced that I breath naturally if I am comfortable totally within myself with the many people with the music with the very present as moment - and not need anything else - but this is also can be based of the desire as I love psytrance and what I am doing is what I wanted to, so now I am enjoying now - but anyway was cool...
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to doubt in myself - not realising that I am always here as me and that is what is always here: me as myself - one and equal with what I accepted and allowed - what I accepted and allowed to became.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to think that the woman ass is specific - that is my mind what obsessed by diverting my attention to wanting to seek, touch that - what is merely showing that I am with and as the picture of the woman's ass.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to divert my attention from myself as breath here as moment to pictures as mind as separated definitions.
I forgive myself that I do not trust me as me as moment as me.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not trust me unconditionally, not realising that I trust in illusion that means I have to face with the fact: what I trust will fall to show me what is really me. So I trust me unconditionally. I love me unconditionally. I am here unconditionally.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to separate me from self-forgiveness.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can loose myself.
What I can loose that is the starting point what is not me as oneness and equality as life as moment as breath.