So I have to stand up - first of all dig down why I have theese thoughts running inside of me - how and why I allowed to became this what I am actually. And by this I discover who I am - as who I was when I decided to become this. Cool to just stand and breath and experiencing everything what I already realized that who I am - and who I am NOT. So by this I am discovering what is necessary to be done.
And this starts for me with this - what is the REAL reason why I do not allow me to be always here - to be just moment who I am really - the moment as I breath and express me in and as oneness and equality.
So practicality. Practically what it means to stand up in and as oneness and equality? To be here.
To not needing concerning about future, past, any place, any body, just being me as here as moment as breath. So the things what are moving in me are theese fractions what I separated from me but in truth are also me. But I just did this for not needing to face with and as myself as the presence of me in all moment.
For example the relationship what I formed with people. As to see how I am changing in order to specific -- or specific kind of people. And in this case what are and how I formed theese 'kind' definitions.
Because those relations are my limits, what i definied to not needing to face with myself - but now I see who and what I am and I always knew that one day I have to face all what I have done -- this seemed very mystic to me as how could I remember everything what I have done -- everything ...well the fact is until I do not see in self-honesty and forgive myself that -- until it is here -- or it is in a timeloop - so will come back to face. Everything. No exception. So that is strange but it is here.
So this relationship with people. And relationship with my things - computer, clothes, imstruments, everything.
I am not sure that I have to write down all kind of breathing spiritual practises to see what are influencing me -- but first of all I am definetaly seeing how I abused my breath as my body to not breathing properly to limit myself on this way. Strange.
So practicality - I need money. Many money. Because I still have this lend, around 3000euros, what is getting demanded back by my friend. Anyway I offered him to be one and equal with me as process as self-realization about we are not this mind-consciousness system, and we have to pull this line what is no more and what we are really because we are absolutely responsible for all - but he just said he does not believe desteni, because reading those articles brought him into 'bad mood' - so he decided to state out: it is a lie. So he just stopped visiting me - also as I stopped to smoke, one less common interest - but as he needs money, he had to come to the first portion - and I told him about I am not changing in this starting point until this process is not done as all as equal in one. So it is. So this money business what is my responsibility. And I start here. No matter where I start to purify myself - always here.
I am earning some money, but not really remains as I pay the place and give him 400euros/month. So that's why I am on like somehow I would like to make more money.
But why to hurry? Because I am sensing that everything is falling apart. And apparently nice sky, green trees outside, but this is the last time when this society 'works'.
I also was why I want to give him back the money? Because he gave it to me as trusting in me. But now he stopped to trust me, as I also stopped to him. Ok I trust, but not as he states out: desteni is just blabla. No. I can not trust in him in 100%, because I see his fears. I see how his fear is controlling his life. Step by step. Every step I can feel how and why people do in general. Strange. Beacuse I was like that. And some pictures are different. But in deep all are same. And I already stopped wondering who am I who can state things out like that, but now it is ok, as I am understanding who and what I am and how and why I became this what I am actually now.
And this power stuff, is getting near, as I am getting really stable among of people. Beacuse I already realized that theese are scared beings, no matter what, they are me.
So the practical way is to not define just breath and act, self-forgiveness and open myself in and as intimacy.
And what I write more is about sleep and thoughts.
Sleep and thoughts. As I am going to sleep, I have thoughts, but that was really deep problem for me how to go to sleep with theese thoughts, so I always 'thought myself into sleep' - so I was thinking until I became so tired as just fell asleep. That was the usual method. And by ganja or hasish was different as I smoked and smoked and smoked and after that I just fell asleep - but same happened just I was not aware of it...
And now it is getting less and less 'problem' as I see that I just breath and lieing and breath and self-forgiveness and i go to sleep and that's it.
And that is strange as I lost myself as I fall asleep, but will change soon.
And what is more interesting that I started to form this habit to oversleep - as I am waking up halfly and starting to thinking - but I am sleeping, but in my dream theese thoughts are bombarding and starting to change/form the experience - and suddenly I am awake - and this sometimes is not so sudden, like I am aware all of my thoughts, but separatedly, like I see from down or up, as theese are going and going and going, and suddenly I decide --as i realize what is happening -- IT IS ENOUGH, and I just stand up about OK, Now i am awaken, so stop.
And as I walk, I experience this thoughts are still going and I have to stop really about STOP, SILENCE, BREATH to break this - and as theese are here like that -- influencing so much, even the all day, and this is what I have to sort out very soon -- my phone is wrecked, so no alarm possibility - but I will buy a new cellphone, what I will use to control this by letting me to sleep around 4-5 hours maximum. Because it is cool that I do not need clock to wake up, but because I wake up around 5-6 and I go to work around 8.30. So i formed a bit this lazyness about no need to focus on this - but obviously yes.
Because the key is wake up in the morning as breath as me as moment as me - no thoughts, no thing.
Maybe I am not trust me as moment so much as I am using theese thoughts to believing that with them boosting me - as the inprinted fear as dishonesty is here. Deception.
I deceived myself and now I am facing and I am stopping. To be able to return the innocence.
Because it is near. It is actually here. Just have to realize by releasing all what is not me - - but to be able to release first have to realize what is what needs to release and how and why I formed this - and by this I see that I am not this, and I see what is my nature what made me to do it-- to embrace to be able to stand as the unification of me as breath as moment.
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