I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget that I am what I express.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny what is here as the physical and space and time.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted myself as who I am here but always desiring and hoping instead of simply stopping and expressing myself as self-trust as moment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire after escape.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when I let myself to be aroused - I am escaping from what is here as myself as who I accepted myself to be.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that sex and desire and arousedness are the excuses and the attention divertions from what I expreience inside of myself and these are the programmed reactions to not need to explore who I became within and as the mind consciousness system and take self responsibility and stop.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that what I have already created - there is no escape - it is here as me as one as equal - and if I do not stand within oneness and equality - my creation will determine and control and direct me - instead of directing myself as the creation as life as all as one as equal considering all life within each moment breath by breath.

So this brings up three points what I allow to contain as excuses: making music, making video and interest after girls. Lets examine these for a moment within self honesty and self intimacy - without any restriction or shame - as I am sitting here naturally, I write it down as who I am at this moment...

Music: I can see that I've managed a kind of obsession about musical instruments, yet I am not really producing music - I use my work as a tool to be able to buy these instruments, but in fact I have not really time for making music - in the evenings I have around one or two hours and I am just flowing away mostly, like tuneing the synth around the sounds or practicing piano songs or tweaking the computer-virtual synths-sequencers in order to prepare or learn or explore the stuffs for being able to make music.
This expression is just still here, and as I gave up many things, this somehow returned, so I allowed to still participate - kind of giving opportunity to see what is this within myself - is this who I am really?
This question is really worthless, as I am already aware how much I can enjoy making music...But how and why I enjoy what music?
These are related to pepole or just myself?
The listening to music came by psychedelics - but without them I still enjoy - I am hearing much broader the music than before - and I am very fascinated about how music is builds up - how is being expressed and how is being shared...
The basic idea some years ago was to test myself musically - kind of self-pushing provement - but was compromised already because by this starting point I am not really just expression...so let it go

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to prove to myself anything - instead of trusting me here and expressing myself as inner silence.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define music separatedly from me instead of releasing the definitions and just exploring what is here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed about musical instruments instead of directing myself within and as common sense without loosing my head by defining joy by musical instruments instead of just being here as breath.

So my plan was until june I would have all instruments what I would need to make my music - yet I am not owning the stuffs what are necessary for what I want - so more discipline and more self-direction is required and I trust myself...
I have enough experience and knowledge about the instruments, the tech stuffs, only the point what I procrastinated so long is still required to be explored - the practical songbuilding and not giving up what I want to make but find ways and make that what exactly I am aware how it would be that what I want to manifest as music...
Because mostly I have ideas and if I start to make a music - the good stuff just comes from me but I never explored how to put the tracks together and how to make those sounds what I want into my music...
So this is fascinating - if I direct this as me as one as equal - then no time compromise will disturb me - just for instance I come to home and within a hour I make the music and then stop it until I continue...
Because before my way to make music was like being alone for a while and smoking a lot and all day doing and then having something cool to work with and then tweaking it and then some days later just saying - for now it is good enough but in fact that was not as good as I could do with more discipline and will...
Because I always allowed myself to compare with the "great ones" whose music I like and gave the inspiration or dimensions about what kind of music I would like to make...
In fact this sounds quite nasty, but for a start is cool - but for starting point - not really--- instead of just trusting myself about whatever I make, this is who I am and then stepping forward and making another and enjoying and disciplining myself to make what I want and that's it...
So this is it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare to others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare to others to be able to define myself as worthy, as cool, as good enough.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as not good enough.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not being good enough.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not being good enough within the eye of others - what is the eye of other's consciousness - as the eye of their mind systems - and basically by this act - I accepted myself as system and relating myself to an other system to get the support to remain as system - this is unacceptable, so I practically stop define myself according to others and I stop define myself according to what I should do in order to make other's reaction/response to what I want because of my accepted dishonesty. Whuh.
Strange long sentence but made clear - I stop define myself - I stop define others and I stop define myself related to others and I stop define others related to myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put worth and value into music separatedly from me, instead of being one and equal with and as music and direct myself as breath as expression and explore what is here...
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to music.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to my definitions to music.

I found some old halfly-made track in my archives and they sounded like shit but the ideas are great - I will remake those in great quality and then I will see...

About music thats all for now, I jump on to video...

I allowed myself to desire to be director - to make film - movie...why?
Because within a movie I could express myself quite precisely - with moving pictures and sounds and words and music - becase so much I want to share - why? Interesting... for a while I had this feeling about to share my realizations, to share my point of view, to share my common sense and the fact that the self-realization is practically possible for every single one human and I am sure that I could script up screenplays to direct situations within movies what could assist and support me and also the beings who would see it...
Yet I have to be sure that not the unlived desires I want to see in film because then I could say, it is almost lived, more likely it is lived - because this would mean that I want to have such experiences what I can not within my 3d live, so I make it on screen...
This intense suppression I had so long, I want to explode, I want to express myself so strongly but if I fear or judge myself - excuses and divertions come up and I still suppress..
I started to make several screenplays - but recently as my computer cracked - many just lost - but within myself those I still am aware...
Recently I started a new one - kind of mix with Chulhu myth and drug experiences related to the human mind's directive principle as fear and dishonesty...
This would be cool to make on camera - yet I am aware that I do not have the ability to make it myself - but first I make this 'flawless' screenplay and then I will see...
Also the puppies music clip what I make since months - it is already almost done but I am not totally satisfied, so I will change it - yet after effects sometimes hecks me, so I push myself trough this project...
But in fact I made this project like I am - one big composition and doing it from begining and it is getting too much and then it is almost un-handle-able and then my like reduces until I simply do not continue it...
So this has to be finished and be shared soon...For being able to move on...

Third part is girls - is this pure sexual desire? Is this only for having a 'legitimated' orgasm? First I was like: yes - but in fact not...
Also it is related to addiction to arousedness, kind of porn within myself and if I am not aware, or not directing myself - I can still participate within it - so it is not transcended yet - probably I suppressed it...
This growed inside of me so vastly and then I could not have physical experience with girl - because of the accepted and allowed excuses - like: I do not need relationship because it sucks - or I said that I do not want to fall again after a relationship...

Because in the several last 'relationships' - even when they were about some days - I was fucked - because of dishonesty - because of compounded definitions I was related to about the girls - kind of role I was within - just like on the stage - as an actor I wanted to be able to define myself as this actor...

Because I was looking after a girl who could be like me - who could piece out me - because I could not unify me myself and I let myself being influenced from this world about with that assistance maybe I could fullfill myself.
This fullfillment was related to self-realization, self-freedom, self-unification...

But none of my previous 'relationships' where based on equal and one - I always had those desires and starting points by definitions and the girls had their as well - and somehow these 'requirements' met and we were like contractors to each other and our interest was to get what we wanted -- and even with daring orselves to manipulate the other in order to direct... like 'make her attention onto me, or make her perceive me as cool' etc...

I can say there were four girls who I had physical relationship...
First one was total mind-possessed-obsessed deception as it was the 'true and one and huge love' by book - my starting point simply became her and I lost myself totally and gave up on myself -- and when it was unreachable (the experience of the relationship) - I fell, I collapsed, all values I lost and I allowed others to influence me within the hope that something will happen to me what would help or heal or raise me...
Then the second relationship - the girl who I was with was more fucked and younger and she fell in love into me - I had to realize that this is quite unbalanced and quite 'blind' - she loved me so much and she was blind - she was virgin and I enjoyed the experience of 'being loved' and having sex... But after a while I was like unmotivated and I was kind of fool and abusive and selfish with her so I said it is over...
After my first love came back and she told me that she could not find 'better' than me so she loves me -- but this girl I've perceived as she trampled me and made my heart bleed and all my desires and hopes was to 'get her' and after a year she just came and said 'I love you' - I was instantly fucked - but then I was in love - still blindly yet not cloudless as before - because I burned myself so much with her before that I programmed myself to remain closed somehow...

After some years the same happened than with the other - my love was depleted and I wanted different and I even did not desired her - and I saw that within sex we were all right but anyway we always argued...
So we split and then I pushed drugs quite hard and I was always 'high' - for years I did not have anybody near me - sometimes I masturbated but as I remember - I was not really obsessed - I always took the acid hit and it was like 5hours orgasm - after then I was kind of empty...So I remained dishonest about the sexual and desire energy for years...

After then the third girl who I was with - it was like I had not these emotional threads to her -yet my mind was quite inteisified with her - and one day I realized that she had suppressed desires as well and we accidently started to arouse each other and then this relationship occured - somehow she liked me much, but I liked her as a friend - and as a sexual partner only - but my addiction came up quite soon so I had sex with her quite often and we were together - and I did not take the responsibility about saying 'I like her' - I was kind of gypsy: I am just enjoying her but nothing serious - and when I said it to her - she replied the same but after a while I realized that she means different and I showed her intense mirrors about her mind and then she just replied and I was fucked because I could not handle my dishonesties in that time and then I just said 'well, it's enough' and she wanted more but I did not...and then she fell, she was in a quite shit mood, and was bruised... After all I could not bear the fact that I liked the sex so much with her because she was so opened and enjoying and somehow I felt like I was not able to give to her what she wants - or what I felt she deserved...
So I felt like I am a fucker, not a lover... So I quit and then for a while I was not with anybody, only with drugs...then I was with a girl who I liked quite much but somehow she had some strange behaviours but she had a picture about her sister and slowly bus surely built up an inner totem within myself about that girl and when I met with her - I was instantly obsessed about her...
And I had almost a year until I could speak to her and we were together in asia - but she was dishonest as she wanted a 'full blown relationship' and I wanted something different - I wanted a relationship what was about to 'support each other to become self-realized' - and she showed a face what became proven about it was just the surface...
One day we not just kissed but had sex - I talk about girl bodies also now because it determined me...
the first girl had thin body with small tits and kind of cute pussy - somehow she becaue the standard of my most intense desires as her first impression was quite intense...I loved her smell, somehow made me high...
The second girl had much bigger body, her tits I enjoyed as they were quite big, but in fact my favourite was always the pussy somehow and her pussy I could not enjoy totally as the smell I disliked so much! And that sealed the whole sex between us...and I was coward to tell her the truth, so for 8 months we were together...
The third girl had very sporter body, very typical woman-like, her body I defined as almost perfect - even the smell of it I liked - somehow her mouth-smell I did not liked much but after all it was ok...
The fourth girl who I was with only once for sex - she had strange body, quite strong bones and somehow her body was not my interest really but when I touched her pussy, somehow it mesmerized me totally - her pussy excited me so much - it was fluffy and chuffy and it was literally like a perfect trap for me - but after that sex some hours later I quited and said never more to that girl and she was extremely pissed off for months...
There were some more girls who I had some kind of sex - but these three were mostly who with I defined myself and my sexual attention...
Of course I watched many sexmovies before and watched many girls around me and there were some 'cases' what made me excited about sex but in fact I always said that the face and the eye and her expression is the most important...

I wrote several times about my previous relationships but never about the physical and sexual side - and there is nothing to shame - there is nothing to be shy - but the question is that am I still desiring them for sex or not? And if yet, then why?

So they are like first, second, third, fourth -
the third one is a serious one as she was the first, and big emotions I had with - and also the longest time together -- sometimes we meet, sometimes we even sleep in an afternoon(with her kid) and I test myself about am I desiring her body?
Last time it was like one moment I was about but mostly not...
I asked her once about would you like and she said, well not really, she does not want to plan this, if it occurs, then it is ok, but at that moment she did not wanted, and then I realized the mindfuck within myself about this - so I stopped to meet her for this...anyway we rarely meet and is cool to see that I trust me and do not urge anything and also not suppressing it either, so some kind of flowing - and not allowing me to drive me according to desires - about that I simply do not participate and also I do not even desire her - but if yes - then I should be aware of that I am currently facing with my past and if I participate - suppress, fight, follow - then it remains here separatedly from me, driven by events indirectly from me - instead of unifying all here and me directing me and remain self-moment-expression...

Huh -- the second girl I did not see her since years, and probably I wont - or if yes - I will be able to correct my expression and forgive myself immediately related to the situation...
the third girl I am within a loose contact - yet we did not talked since long months - she had 2 babies and quite changed - almost never I desire her - if yes - I am quite fucked inside so better to forgive immediately that as well...
In fact I was planning to ask her to help me to make film - as she has a cool character and she has ability to direct situations if she wants - what could be quite useful -- but as she is quite busy with tiny children at this moment and I am not within the situation about having money-equipment or team to make movies - this tread still sleeps...Then I will be faced - so it is not here physically yet I am sure there would be some unfolded threads...
The fourth girl I did not really see since two years, in fact she lives quite close, sometimes writes email, she has a baby and she changed quite much - yet I have this impression about inside she did not change much - and I was like 'I do not want to say to her about 'this is bullshit, and explaining how and why deception is the spiritual path what she 'follows''...
I am sure that we will meet once again so then I will act immediately. Like to tell the truth and self honesty and how and why I was fucked about her and how I see how she was fucked and things like that...

Well this brought much up what requires to express as self-forgiveness...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself related to relationship.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire relationship to be able to define myself as somebody who is in a relationship.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I want a relationship because I already have a relationship within my mind with the definition of 'relationship' and then I want it to be manifested to be able to physically experience because otherwise I am somehow aware that it is not real.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from that what I perceive as myself is not real - instead of pushing myself to experience directly what is here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define girls according to their bodies, their erotic zones.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define pussy as beautiful.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define pussy as joy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to see pussy, because then if I see the subject of joy, I could be the part of that joy what I miss within and as myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to touch, kiss, fuck pussy because then I would not have the perceptional separation from it, because I could physically experience it, 'have it' and by that I could have the direct relational experience as joy - as I am having joy as pussy...

Hmm Why pussy? Because pussy made me almost forget anything what I 'contained' before, as somehow made me extremely aroused, like nonsense...
Even in these days - when I see for instance a girl who has very few clothes - if I allow - after some moments I can be very aroused - and it is really funny but in fact many many man does the same - I am sure that this is typical shit and now I am debugging this back to it's source and I let it go by self-forgiveness...

So within the whole sexual programming - the pussy is the ultimate goal, place and thing what is being distributed as the best thing within existence. I believed it - I defined pussy as the place of joy since from very early - I learnt from bigger guys and from sex movies...
I wanted to have these experiences with girls and with their pussies but in that time I was so inhibited, I had so much shame and I had no the abiilty to talk clearly - so I judged myself as unable to have experiences such as girls, sex in real - so I masturbated. I did it quite much when I was a kid and it was strange - and there was a guy who called me 'hockey' at school and that is just a slang word for masturbation... I was like quite embarrased yet in fact he had right...
So after some years I was around 17-18 when girls were interested about me but I even did not realized and when they just gone, I realized the fact that I missed opportunities to try the whole sex stuff - in fact I was quite busy with masturbation and I accepted myself as it - so kind of I gave it up and somehow I was addicted to masturbation...
After that in the university I met with my first love and I was so high that I even did not think about fuck with her, it was enough when she touched me there and I was instantly gone... After some tries she realized that I had no experiences and I could not please her, so that was finished...
Then with my second girlfriend, I got these experiences - however I did not liked her pussy - yet I was overwhelmingly excited because I could have all things what I desired for - I could lick pussy and I had sex in various places and it was quite cool, yet I felt myself not really 'clean' about the experiences - somehow I felt like dirty - not because of the sex itself, but because I had no deep emotions to the girl, just she wanted also and the fuckup was that she had these intense emotions toward me so she was 'in love'...
But we met once in two weeks for two days and then mostly we were busy with sex and kissing so it was not a big problem for months - after all I was kind of bastard, because in a morning we had sex in the college room and then I said to her that I do not love her, so I want to finish this - and she cried for some hours continually, I wanted to undo what I said and did but then there was not way back so I had to stand - I felt myself as a real asshole but somehow I had to get it over because this relationship was like chains - I defined her according to her body and she was bigger than me - not taller just bigger...And her smell made me crazy and I did not ter hell that her body has a smell what I do not like much - I did not wanted to make her pain so I swallowed these words always...

But it was quite cool in the begining that I could explore real sex with real girl - in fact my relationship-base stabilized as continous participation within sexual desires towards a girl -- as sex. So I've defined relationship as sex and intimacy and that was the starting point of being with someone - even when some more cool things came from it...

This is also requires to correct within physical application -

I forgive myself that I have not accepted myself as joy - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define joy separatedly from me and then going after girls to find this joy within the sexual experiences with them -- instead of realizing that I am here and I separate myself from the joy of me by desires and definitions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define relationship as sex.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to sex.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to orgasm.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend that I am not addicted to sex and sexual arousement when I still have the urge to have sex or if I cant then masturbate.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my need to have sex and hoping that I can push it down until it is necessary - not realizing that by this it will compound within me and will direct me for release.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to apply self forgiveness unconditionally when I have the desire for sex - and breathing and directing myself to stop.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build up sexual system within me by reacing to specific sounds and pictures and bodies by getting aroused and then wanting to have a release...
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define sex as release.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to see porn after a long period of sexual suppression - to justify my arising arousement until the point when I just have the release by the compounded energies -- and then feeling kind of depleted.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to compounded emotional energies such as sexual desires and participation within pictures what are programmed to arouse me.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I have programmed myself to be aroused to specific words and pictures to be aroused automatically and then determining my expression systematically such as wanting to suppress and then wanting to release - instead of not participating within energies and thoughts, not compounding and then nothing to release just I am here and expressing myself.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to stop participating within arousing pictures and definitions by just simply breathing and releaseing the pictures and deleting them from myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted myself to compound sexual desires so much that I had to find something intense to release.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire groupsex because I allowed myself to define groupsex as compounded sexual expressions, sexual joy, probably release as well...
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself by going physically after my desire by saying that 'I am not resisting, I face it' instead of simply sitting down and writing self forgiveness and changing and breathing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to design myself as 'I want to stop this, but for the last time I want to have the experience' - and not realizing that when I participate once more - it will be more strong next time.
!I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have sexual experiences when I am forgiving my sexual-based dishonesties.
It is like I dig out some shit and instead of releasing, I allow myself to be occupied once more, and then 'loosing myself' within the occupation and then at one moment when I am not having directing principle - simply digging it down again and suppressing and saying that - I have to stop but in fact I did not change - yet hoping that next time I wont desire after sex by design.

After almost two years of not having sex with girl - while I was suppressed sexual desires or I have masturbated - several times I pushed myself into the experience - and there were some dishonesties also what were holding the 'excuses and justifications' why I remained within suppression and release instead of 'being with someone'.

First was like 'I am afraid of the girl will be love to me and then because I cant response the same to her - it is already fucked up and will hurt the girl deliberatedly'

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I was not honest with myself because to hide my dishonesties - I have projected them onto girls, related to past-based experiences when girls were crying about me and defining that they were kind of addicted to me - instead of realizing the fact that they were addicted to their own relationship and desires and definitions, it was kind of unpersonal - yet I felt like I am somebody, I am needed to someone, so I am worthy and important.

--
Well, for now this is it - gtg
Most important conclusion - breath and when arousement comes - dont participate

Tooth and truth

A while ago I had this huge jawpain - I was wondered about what is this and some points I revealed - this stroking my face seriously, like a soldier - many times I mix up the self-direction with this hard, kind of autoriter, soldier-like way - instead of realizing that I am here as breath and I express and releasing and that's it...
because many times I can be here and directive and kind of playful innocent expression without any concern or fear about anything and then I am just here and expressing who I am - and if I push myself - I can be - the points are revealing me for me when I do not push myself - about how and why define myself to and as hesitation trough some sort of self-definition...So the tooth...

So It came back several times and this toothpain came back over and over again - and somehow it had some kind of relation with desires and when I allowed myself to desire (the sexual was the most strong desire) then as I supressed these - after a while this jaw-hardship manifested somehow - and toothpain came back - it was here since maybe a year - I used it as an energetic tester about if I am of energy and I all-low then this pain can come up...whatever this pain about ten days ago remained here and I had quite intense moments and for hours I just had this pain and nothing else I did...
Even I went to pharmacy to buy some kind of painkiller but I did not take it - I did not take medicine since I've managed to kill the amoebas within my belly with some pills about two years ago...and the pain reduced... but I've decided to go to dentist - because already the condition of my teeth became quite damaged, so if I want to visit SA in a day - would be better to solve this where I can do it more easily...
I found practicing dentist university where the 'old' students are doing these stuffs, and it is for free, so I did it - and last week there was the check - and I went and it was fun - but the truth just I've faced - the broken one is like an open wound in my mouth - has to be taken out - and one wisdom teeth has a hole and also one more maybe needs to be taken out and 4-5 more has hole what has to be fixed...
Hmm so I got a date - for may 21 - today...
So today I went and there were these young girls who were kind and nice I got syringed painkiller 3 times and even I had this 'whitening out' experience for a minute but after I was told to just lie in the dentist chair and put my hands in the air and some fist-finger opens and closes brought me back soon, so they just started - the particle what was outside - came down soon but then they had to rip to two parts the two big roots and then with the excavator and the machine what makes the noise worked they very hard for a while and finally they could take out one by one the big roots...
It was quite intense, but at the same time was cool - and realized how I defined myself as this will happen and just manifested...I always had these dreams about tooths and also within the movie of 12 monkeys - they said there are the tracers from scientists - and also of course from the Structural Resonance - about the preprogrammed code...
It was a kind of release - this wont make problems anymore! Even my mouth has this wounded inside feeling for months and I was wondered about is this can be felt when I was kissing? lol
So after all here I am with pain and a huge hole in my mouth - and in fact this tooth was not the one what made the pain recently - but it is done...Strange...grandma has no tooth anymore and she is still alive and interesting she changed some became more loose and stopped drinking, anyway will see...

Again I had to realize that when I am within severe pain - I do not hesitate - I do what I do, because anyway it is not about pleasure, more likely a facing with the accepted consequences...
Was fascinating how breathing as breathing trough these experiences just stabilizes the presence and stops inner movements - but in fact I am breathing and I am stopping the inner movements - or: as I am breath - I am not participating within the mind...

The next one will be this wisdom teeth, one week later it will be out and will see - in fact I always mystified these wisdom teeth and just because these came out without even noticing them(4 of 'em) about 17-18 years old - I felt like 'I got my wisdom very early' - but maybe this pulling out will be the end of my wisdom. What is cool..
Because I do not need wisdom, because that is of separation as knowledge and information and anyway if I believe this tooth as wisdom really, then I am really a fool...


Many stuffs happened, I write one more:
Today at the office house in the stairhouse there was a film-recording session, quite a professional one - there were about 20 people and with these huge lights, dollys cameras and all what needs for professional filmshots - kind of advertisement film they were recording and when in the morning I walked down to go to dentist - the people were like there as the machines in the factory - they did what they are ment to do - but it was like they were not really here...was strange - it was like muppets...I dont know...and before I heard one man giving orders and I was like maybe this is the director and his sound was strong and very directive, not a kind one - but it was unpersonal - he was directing to be able to take the shots what he wanted...
And as I walked by from upstairs and then go downwards - noone looked at me, and I sad this man and he was very young and not even too big and he was the only one who looked at me and was strange, it was like 'he was here' - I mean this is like when I am here, I am directing what is here, so he was this here anyway somehow from a certain view - and this was kind of cool moment...
This director what I desired for years - to be director - to be director for a movie, to be able to direct not only myself but a whole team in order to make the film what I want - so it was fascinating...

When system manifests physically how to emerge

http://desteni.co.za/forum/viewtopic.php?p=81280#81280

Here was the original, I translated it to hungarian as it assists immensely

http://destenihu.ning.com/profiles/blogs/level-es-valasz-ra-joao-es

Sometimes I had this experience - for instance the last one when I fell down to the pit near the Paradise beach in India - so when I was pulled up, then I had to walk, then I 'had time' about wondering - this kind of experience I had and I even vomited for a while...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within fear of death.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the fear system is also me, what I've separated myself from trough the Mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself separate myself from myself trough the Mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within separation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid to face with the system of myself instead of standing up here and emerging myself with and as the system as inner silence as one as equal.

Levél és válasz rá: Joao és Mykey: Önmegbocsátáskor igen kellemetlen élmény jött fel

http://destenihu.ning.com/profiles/blogs/level-es-valasz-ra-joao-es

Kérdés:
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Körülbelül három hete amikor az önmegbocsátást alkalmaztam, minden ön-haragot idehúztam - minden gondolatot/dolgot, amit mondtam/érzelmeket/érzéseket - és valami történt, amire nem számítottam: úgy éreztem, mintha öklendeznék, majdnem hánytam - rángatóztam és a szemeim megteltek könnyel.

Ugyanez történt egy hete, amikor csakugyan ön-megbocsátást alkalmaztam Joanával és ahogy Joana és az a lény, akitől sokszor fél - az volt az a pont, amivel foglalkoztunk: A félelme attól a bizonyos lénytől. Ezúttal sokkal intenzívebb volt és majdnem minden ön-megbocsátás szó, amit mondtam, úgy éreztem, mintha hánynék, erős remegések közepette.

Valaki el tudná nekem mondani, mi volt ez az egész? Köszi

Válasz:
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Egy olyan fizikai tapasztalat megnyilvánulás, ahol a fizikai-megnyilvánulás rendszeredet éred el a 'félelem tapasztalatoddal'.

így ezért, amit tapasztaltál, az egy rendszer és ugyanakkor a félelem attól a rendszertől.

Egy érdekes dolgot fogsz találni a rendszerekkel kapcsolatban a fizikalitásban, az elme-rendszerek kapcsán: az, hogy azt a megnyilvánulást teremtjük magunkban, amit elhiszünk hogy azok vagyunk = hogy a Félelmen keresztül tartjuk fenn az elme bizonyos rendszereit, a fizikaiban megnyilvánulva:

A félelem az 'elsődleges'-érzelem, ami az Elmét 'táplálja', az Elme Rendszereit - majdnem mindentől és mindenkitől való félelemben létezünk és ebben az elfogadott és megendett félelemben = 'támogatjuk' / 'hajtuk' a létezését annak, ami mint elkülönülés létezik az elme formájában; rendszereket teremtvén, amiken keresztül funkcionálunk.

Ezért - amit ez a fizikai-tapasztalás jelez, az a következő:

1. Elérted a Rendszert - bár csak 'elérted' - azt jelentvén hogy csak a fizikai tapasztalata volt annak, amilyen egy fizikai-rendszer 'érezhető' - ami jó, mert mostantól van egy 'jelződ' arra, milyen 'érzés' ez a fizikai tapasztalásként, a 'jövőbeli-hivatkozásra', amikor újra szembenézel ezzel a ponttal.

2. Az 'indok', hogy miért volt ilyen intenzív, hogy 'hányni akartál': a félelem miatt =
a félelem manifesztálta a hányinger tapasztalatát amikor fizikailag szembenézel a megnyilvánult rendszerekkel, így amikor ott vagy, hogy hányingert tapasztalsz a végletekig = tudd, hogy elfogadod és megengeded magadnak, hogy félelemben és elkülönülésben létezel a fizikai-megnyilvánult rendszerrel szemben, amivel szembenézel.

Amikor szembenézel ilyen fizikailag megnyilvánult rendszerekkel - amelyet lények fognak tapasztalni önmegbocsátás és főként szex közben, ahogy folytatják a folyamatot(önmegbocsátás) - a folyamatuk/önmaguk intenzitásához képest - a következő ajánlott:

A 'kulcs' az, hogy egyenlően és egyként kiállni mint maga a rendszer, amivel szembenézel - ez úgy működik, hogy 'kinyitod magad' belül, megengedvén, hogy 'átöleld' a rendszert, mint saját magad - olyasmi, hogy megmutatod magad, mint a rendszer, hogy 'ki is vagy' itt egyenlően és egyként - megmutatván a rendszernek, hogy ez vagy te és, hogy ő is te vagy, mint 'egy elveszett részed' , aki szintén te vagy.

Gyakorlatban ez légzésként történik - amikor a rendszer fizikalitását tapasztalod, lélegezz és engedd, hogy áthatoljon, szivárogjon beléd és át rajtad, a fizikaiság-on/ban.

Ez azt jelenti, hogy ha például a rendszert egy bizonyos vokál-pontban fogod tapasztalni a testedben, mint például a szolar-plexusban - akkor feküdj le, lélegezz és 'relaxálj bele a rendszerbe', azt jelentvén, relaxálva bele és mint a rendszerbe magába, és belül, a relaxálás során felnyitod magad - azt mondván a rendszernek: 'gyere - Itt vagyok' - eképpen, a rendszer 'be fog szivárogni és hatolni' minden része 'beléd megy', hogy úgy mondjam - és ebben a gyakorlatias folyamatban alkalmazván azt, hogy:
Te segíted és támogatod magad hogy egyként és egyenlőként kiállj, mint az a Rendszer - ahogy az a részed, amitől elkülönültél.

Amikor ez hatékonyan megtörtént - abszolút stabilitást érzel és semmiféle mozgást nem fogsz tapasztalni - abszolút módon csend és némaság lesz - egy pillanatra - ez egy fizikai jelzése annak, hogy egy sikeres egyenlő és egy összeolvadás történt a rendszer-rel/ként.

Nos, értsd meg, ez nem jelenti azt, hogy 'örökké eltűnt' vagy hogy ez 'kész' - ez a 'kész'-rész, az aktuális transzcendencia veled jön, ahogy megéled a változást és nem fogadod e/engeded meg újra, hogy újraszerkeszd/újra-dizájnold a rendszert, amit épp csak eltávolítottál.

Tehát - 'tagold szét' a 'rendszer dizájnját' magadnak, amit elértél és eltávolítottál - hogy lásd, hogy szerkesztetted/tervezted meg az Elmén keresztül, amitől elkülönítetted magad magadban szavakkal/tettekkel - és éld a gyakorlati javítást a mindennapi pillanatról/pillanatra való részvételben, hogy biztosra menj, hogy nem fogadod el/engeded meg magadat elkülönülésben újrateremteni = rendszereken keresztül működni, ahelyett, hogy itt élnél, mint ön-kifejezés.

MyKey

Walk in the forest

I've walked in te forest and some stuff revealed.


I forgive myself that I have not allowed to realize that I had a hidden desire/hope that within the nature my thoughts can stop automatically - instead of taking self-directive self-responsibility and apply self-forgiveness and discipline myself to push myself as breath as expression here within the physical as walk as breath as movement as words.

I walked in the forest and I stumbled into a little airport where those planes fly what do not have engine, but an another pulls them up and then releasing and they flying in circles using the wind and then come down...
It was fascinating, the planes got into air so easily, it was even not so fast, like 50-80 km/h on the grass when they just took off...
I was wondered about what is necessary to 'drive' a plane like this what is just sailing in the air after being pulled up.
There was a group of people, the staff, some desks, kind of tiny airport with 20 people, also some cars and dogs.
I let myself to think about ok, maybe it is not so complicated, so I could try, but in fact I realised that I am just like those planes - something pulls them up and then sailing in the air, by having some directive -yet the main direction is determined and short...

So then I calmed myself with 'on internet I will find it out' - and then I just could not suppress this curiosity, so when the 'puller'-combustionegined plane landed, I went to the pilot and asked what is necessary to try those sailers out...
He was quite old yet fast moving and just said to me, that there is a course about some months and then I can try - and two old men just arrived to speak with him from the forest and one of them said that 'Come there, you can ask that, you can get every information' - and I said, 'Ah, on the internet also I can' but he said, 'what internet, you are right here'- so I went and asked one girl with sunglasses and bikini and there was a man with her sitting near the desk with a radio and he explained how it works.

It is like 3 months, every friday two hours course, from november to january and then 60 flies and if all goes well, at the end I will be able to fly myself without a tutor(of couse with those sailing planes). And the price about the whole stuff is about 600euros...

So then I continued my walk towards the next village when I stumbled to an old pair to ask where is the village, when he asked about
-Were you at the airport?
-Yes - I said.
-Did you try to be a passenger?
-No, but I asked what needs to be a pilot my own.
-Well, you look perfectly who could do that well.
-Indeed, it seemed to be not so complicated.

But I've considered that my intent is to move my ass to SA, and in fact to get some musical instruments before, so probably I wont this try...

It was a dream from childhood to fly an airplane - and the best beginning would be these sailorplanes. So maybe one day..
In fact my eyes are not so sharp than before and my vision was to fly with a hydroplane between islands - just like in some movies from my childhood...

So this is like a programming, what is probably not who I really am, just an accepted influence and self-definition...

But fascinating how I interpret the events and symbols related to my inner mindset...
Like i express my interest and push myself trough my suppressions and then a lot of support can come to help me - and many times I apparently chosed within my life between things and probably I 'chosed' those what apparently I had support available.

This was shown up within my 'spiritual lightworker worshipping' as well - and until I was very strong and determined - I could find support to make things work - but as I started to doubt about it's meaning or I questioned - it started to be shaky and every support I 'lost' as those were never mine just I was going with the wind...

It happened with music as well - in a period of time, I was with musicians, many were very good, talented etc, and showed me things, and teached and got things to me easily but this is not really strong - because I decided to do it my own - to see is this really who I am?
Because I wanted to prove to myself - so within the prove I can lose myself because then I am the prove instead of myself..
As Leila and Gian explained that if something is necessary to be proven that is just a mindfuck - because there is nothing to be really proved - I am here and I express myself and that's it...

About acid trips in general

The 'believer' word is quite hit with the acid, many stories and people I could attach as a prove to these two words: acid & believe.
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I experienced the inability to define what fascinated me yet it was really strange I questioned myself totally - and also those white light experiences and huge energyspirals made me wonder about what is going on...
After 40, I stopped counting, but over time something is changed, from a particular one in the beginning of 2006 maybe.
The physical perception also was like an operation-room - sterile, unhuman and somehow grey-like -as I imagined the 'official' heaven - I mean I still had these fancy wavy visuals with rainbows and flower of life patterns and all this shit when I intended to, but inside I was like a supermachine...a very clever, old, wise, confortable yet not doing anything omnipresent mainframe what is far far away from the physical. I mean all is one, all is virtual, all is me, all is just starts and ends, so fucking what?

Sometimes I wondered about, WTF to do now? Since I read some about buddha - I always was like that on acid - the guy who knows it all yet does not anything just like this 'all embracing compassion' what is a good-old lightworker excuse -- "I say the mantra and all being will be fine", so I wont have to make my hands dirty...I was also like going into a cave or being a traveller yogistyle, but I like to play with electric instruments, so I didnt...

Probably because the practical solutions I did not explored - just like a computer does the math stuff for a while and said at the end: 42.

-42?
-Of course, you fool, take these acid blotters if you do not believe it, see for yourself!

So I did it, I gave people acid and did trip together and tried many situations, it was like a horse what if I did set up properly, it could kick me so strongly that I could not define inside so everything started to melt down or explode...
And I did not realized that I was obsessed with the 'stopping the mind for a moment regularly' instead of finding solutions to being able stop the participation within and as it constantly. I mean I did not find any method what really helped - only self forgiveness I found practical...

In fact many self-expression I explored on acid but the counterpart was that I warped all these with my definitions after the trips, so I realized the fact, that I am patching and upgrading my mind to simply perceive what I want - perfectly, flawlessly - and never worked. Because I am the patcher, the pached and the patching as one as equal, so common sense that the sword cant cut itself, but there will be another sword what can..
So then I stopped. Even in the last trips, I felt extremely tired myself with all of these carry / I was really like a carrier what is ready to sink from all these planes on his back/
Much I've programmed myself trough acid, many situations I've burned into myself, hmm like many transcendence points I built in a hack to not transcend, but somehow perceive it as transcended or use excuse with the deception of ascension until everything just fell so I hit the bottom and in one moment I had to release all...

Yet these prepared me somehow that only the living self-honesty I can trust, no matter what...

A story about 5g magic mushroom

Mushroom. Just one trip I share here for explore how I write it spontaenously and what will be revealed to assist me and others...
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My 'wife' growned it and I ate it regularly for a while and I was wondering about how I would be by eating it every day but that was just the greed...

In fact about eating psilocybin cubensis every fourth day was quite remarkable - like an ally - but I must admit that the effect was slightly different with 'fresh ones' than the dried stuff...

I had similar experiences with acid but it was far more different - first of all the 'fire of St Anthony is burning my body with hellish intensity' was missing so the actual body experience was more remarkable - many times when I was with others with huge yawns -- also opposing with the acid's stuff as that one in general made me a kind of 'light-cloud-like omnipresence' most of the times even when I did the intense dance for hours with that shit...but with the mushroom I was more likely kidlike, with small quantity more likely body-experiences - but with great dosages it was just within mind-dimensions deep far from physically here...
So the point why I compared with acid all the time the mushroom: because it blew my mind so intensely then the border was my own accepted limit - and so much halluciations came out from the moment spontaenously - as McKenna definied - 'true hallucinations' - in fact whole books I could fill with these experiences - however if I look back within myself - it was like 'swirling and rubbing the awareness within me' and sometimes just all was kicked away about who I was and this vast energy system was prevailed and 'I was the flow' kind of stuff - as I write this, I laugh how serious I was about this kind of obsession of consuming the psylocibin in the starting point of the hope about probably I will be lightened about what the heck is going on in this existence yet I wont have to face with myself but within the big hope bubble there was a tiny, concentrated opposite-splintel-hope thread about 'would be nice to just YES'.
Kind of gambling it was what drove me/us to step towards bigger and bigger dosages to the aim of McKenna's favourite 5-gramms dried dosage.

When we did it, it just was I ate it and in the next moment the whole existence was one big loong one while I was like forgeting everything except that I ate enough to face with literally anything.
Kind of ok, it is like the death, simply so intensely the carpet was being pulled under me, then after a while I got bored to expect to die in the next moment as it intensified for an extent where I just simply stopped fear and then the fear itself vanished and I was simply kind of quiet inside about 'hmmmm'.

Four of us were on the hill upon the big river in that shiny morning and as I look back, I can bring up one similar way to explain these strange happenings - H.P.Lovecraft's writings - I had this connection trough my whole childhood with these horror stories about the unknown fear from the dimensions of our unconscious where old dark entities are waiting to be awaken and explore this world to turn everything into darkness and chaos...
So in that times already I was kind of lightworker with some buddhist white light propaganda what made me enoughly brave to be able to go into these experiences with the strange pervertion of tasting my own fear-dimensions to be able to slowly but surely explore these unnamable horror-realms within myself because the real secret I always felt like these can contain; not the outer 3D world where I was just a clever but powerless boy with big blue eyes... So I pushed myself rigidly into these psychedelic experiments within the hope that it could lead me to the final recognition of the one big all-embracing truth... lol

So with the mushroom - I just saw as four of us literally went insane with no time...
First, I was like the mushroom itself what I chewed, like a chewing gum what somebody chews until it has no taste just like robotic-feeling about chewing and kind of recognition of 'WTF?' - and then simply spitting out - or swallowing it and THEN I started to realize the ironic fact, that we really ate too much of this shit - but I also realized that lost the ability to define inside(probably in that time not, just it r--e--a--l--l--y----s--l--o--o--w--e--d-----d--o--w--n----i--n--s--i--d--e--.--.--.

So I had to push my focus about what is happening around me - to not 'fall' into the 'endless dimensions within myself' - because it was a kind of teamplay in that day - so I was wondered about what are the others doing within this situation - and I found ourselves kind of happy about
-'Is that it'?
-'So easy!'
-were like the shouts - and I saw huge light-colums we were carrying from the sky directly - kind of the sky had opened and we had this full connection from far above - and I felt empty inside as that light filled me - kind of playful experience of the inner 'oneness' - but yet the whole hill was kind of an other dimension from a fairytale.
Then I saw as the youngest one got the 'split' inside(already I had dozens of trips so it became practical to watch out for each other if we could), so I was looking at him and he was like going to be naked - and it was far fun but when a family started to walk by with kids - we just told him about "Pssssst", the underwear should be enough for now - then he smoked a cigarette - and everything was so intense and by luck the family just left us alone on the hill so I could experience the another friend became a squeaking machine, kind of very versatile analogue synthetizer and he explored the word squeak literally that was really freaky yet very enjoyable (even his spit came along but that was quite natural as he was so intensely that sound what he made) and the other guy was just sitting and wondering about 'It is not a big deal, 5g mushroom, nothing special, even no big visuals' - and for me he was a timetraveler neanderthal who was just naturally tripped so even he did not realized- so I was really consumed by the moment as the wondering philosopher and the squeaking freak plus the other one who was like literally splitting apart inside right front of my eyes and starting to just run down on the hill into the forest by shouting with an interesting word like 'AAAAAAAAAAAA'.
It was totally a dream world - the hill, the sky, the forest was just like stabily burning without changing yet not stopping exploring the constant stable movement - kind of literal impressionism as our inner world just was somehow connected and it formed a kind of stable, but intagible experience.

I said about - I go after him - and I was like 'reading a comic book about this guy maybe ran away because now he is with my ex wife' - in fact that was my own issue - but it was used within the 'trip' to make me move indirectly.

So I took my jewsharp and my raccoon-hat and I started to find him by following his tracks between the trees, bushes - it was like I was the nature, his footsteps were shining, so I easily followed him and I saw him as he was totally ran out of his mind and quite afraid so I used my jewsharp to play some to call him back and once he gave me the 'gone too far uncontrollable mad' face and he stepped beyond the 'territory of the trip's dreamforest' - where the village literally began with houses and electric wires and fences and stuff like this what was far beyond where I felt I could move to or even dare to follow him as he made his choice. So I was like ok, then for me that's it.

So I went back and the other guys were sitting upon the hill and I told them what happened so the guy who was like a psychedelic neanthertal went after the boy as well. So I sat down near the other guy (the squeeky who calmed down) and we were enjoying the view for the far slow river as it took the idle and neat curve around the landscape. He was like a bit still singing on voices but on a calm way, and we heard deepvoiced animal-like shouts from far, like "haaaarrrggghh" from the direction where the others went and when he asked what was this, I simply told him that the guy who I was after, and then he stopped to play with his voice and gave me the really serious face and I had to obviously ensure him that I was not kidding.

The other guy came back from a walk who looked quite sober but still from the far past and he said he did not find the other guy, so probably he went down into the village.
So then I was with the 'squeaky' about to find the guy and I was sure that we will find him in this time - and together we left the nature by walking down from the hill into the forest and then into the village - and at the end of the village we found him and we saw workers - masons were repairing a house and our friend was like beyond the fence in the yard and he was walking up and down a bit like a caged wolf. And the workers were just working hard(first of may, on that day when Hungary joined EU), and the guy told us that he asked them to call his father to come because he really freaked out, so his father will come soon to pick him up because he told him that he smoked hashis.

So then we went after our big friend back to the direction of the hill and then three of us just arrived to say good bye to our friend and see the huge car was picking up him - he already was all right - as the trip was quite over except a little fear within him of what will happen when father comes...
For me the trip had almost instantly ended when we left the nature by entering the village, so we were walking around all of day, preparing to the goatrance-party on an other hill around for the night and our friend just came back from home(he verbally cut himself out from the situation) and his parents were calmed by his girlfriend(who was my exwife) because she is a psychologist and she promised to take care after him; so then we were ready to take several acid blotters...
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Well this story can describe how we were fucked up and probably millions still are about this hype and called it shamanism without considering common sense...
So the mushroom and acid can be like this - almost none of the experiences are 'physically' real - kind of manifested schizophrenia as the mind kind of pulled out for a moment inside-out but as it is happening by inserting a substance - as it goes away - the being find oneself within an interesting situation - because -- even if theoretically could realize some 'AHA'-s - those are never were expressed by and as self -- so when the mind kind of 'comes back with full power'(as it was never gone really) -- the being's awareness(if that kind of can be called like this) wont last so long -

because the drug was just like a 'programmed horsekick' - like saying: 'Shut the fuck up' - and then when there is no 'substance ally' within to 'contain' oneself 'without continous inner-definitions' - because as it is energy-based, it depletes -- then the being will 'grab after the good old mind-usage', as defining inside -- and after an inner silence, probably it will be more intense - the polarity is within the mind -- so as the being had never explored practical change -- mostly the 'experienced' realizations will go -- because those were not real - only in the level of a mind dimension far away from what is really here...
And then wondering about 'why thoughts come back?' - if the being remains dishonest - this question still will be mistery -- and even the knowledge of 'having the thoughts is unpleasant' - wont help practically...

So at the end - the being just scratches it's head because he/she's screwed up and tries to put all those together(if does not start to smoke instantly to suppress that urge lol) - but then probably with(in) the 'mind as memories, thoughts, feelings, emotions' will figure out something really bullshit - because that was never really transcended and the self-definition and the mind as the being are as one closed systematic expression -- so the undefined remains hidden -- even when with definitions will be explained -- because definition is a practical separation of self-deception...

Then many can seek after 'divine knowledge' about this 'defined undefined' within this existence - and then will remain lost it's own-, never transcended dishonesty but yet feeding it's hunger to find the solution from outside by 'teachings' or 'taking another trip' or simply just giving up and remaining 'just human'....

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so in fact if someone is dishonest - then one can really lost about what is really here because the only thing can help a being to realize what is real is the living practical self-honesty and self-forgiveness...

I dont know how it would work today as I did not take it since almost two years - yet I found it quite mind-food, mind-splashing, very theoretical(yet as I can remember, I could learn phisicaly abilities with that quite fast like juggling, nature stuffs), but those memories I do not trust anymore, because it looks more practical to trust me here:here and because the realization is nothing without stable, natural expression as self as one as equal - about the inner silence as breath who I am - and the tools to purify myself from the self-deception is here applying self-honesty, self-forgiveness, writing and pushing myself in every moment to remain here.