Wednesday, June 9, 2010

change

Definite change I can notice - however it is slow and if I judge the 'doesn't change'- ness - in fact I did not change.

But in fact when I look back - the change is always here. The change of self consistency.
I even do not see within the acts - myself - but I am.
I am here as my acts as my decision to stand up as life.

Yet acts speak more then 'choices' - as in truth the choices are made by act.

I continue to push the technical issues - as I decided to - as I am.

Technically speaking - I am finding great business of sparing money - fascinatingly by spending money in great timing.

A bit foggy this as I am quite at the very end of my day - but what I will write more is that I decided to push my desire points again.

To focus to one point at the same time - in these days - by regarding the fact that I must stop all addictions regarding to energy especially within the area of sexuality and attraction to women.

So today I started a new practice - to be able to steel my will, to discipline my presence within the focuspoint of not react and attract to women.
There were occasions when I reacted - or I looked back - but I must stand and forgive and push - without judging. It is a process yet I do not define self stopping as a process as it is done within and as the moment.

So I am quite content as I was able to stop - ok mostly I was in the office where I was at the computer - but when I was in the dinner room in the bank with full of women - I was able to stop - except three times I was looking one women who I used to watch because she I defined as sexy and dreamy - but I was able to stop and I was able to not react and I was not occupied - simply noticed her and slight reactions I experienced and I was not drawn 'away' from the act what I was in. This was cool.
So tomorrow I will still push this.
Also the basic idea was to be the directive principle - to decide - 'at this moment I do not attract' - and then in the next I do attract - not for the sake of desire but for the self direction and will see what happens.
But I am not sure about this.
I had to kill a mosquito - as it was bugging me for days - Klaudia also noticed it and I was like ok, next time it will approach - I will take it out and it happened - it came by and I took it and it was gone.
But now I see - there are more - this one was just about to explore the area - but I am typing. So this is fascinating. Killing. lololol mos quit o

So tomorrow I will continue to not stare women and their face and eye and provoke eye contact or look back for see their body, ass or hair or clothes - simply because I stop.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define that girl at the dinner as sexy and attractive and allowing to almost be aroused as I check her out slowly but very energetically - this is self dishonesty as I make the energy by reacting within myself according and as my past as definitions what is not here as the physical so I simply stop.
I am able to stop as I proven to myself already even within specific temptations such as being offered sexual intercourse.

Lol I never realized that it never happened that a woman wanted to have sex with me and I rejected it - lolol but in fact yes - and I decided to stand - but after that I had these thoughts that I should meet with her and will see again - but it was of self deception - I am aware of - I stand - I do not fuck with her simply because I am standing as the realization that that would be not self honest - because I am aware of her and myself and in fact at this moment I am within 'close relationship/agreement' with an other girl -- in fact that girl is not being concerned about if I would have sex with other girls but I am sure that this about I must discipline myself at this moment.

Because our agreement is not yet 'infinite' as she still does not see many points so I am not experiencing equal standing - and her wavering is pushing me and will see but I still give her time - to decide to stand as life as infinite or remain as personality.

So there are opportunities but I stop seeking those - I push myself within the situations what I am in at the moment - as - - for instance my primary job - and my secondary job - these I must push and I must do well at this moment.

The second job is going quite well - but slowly - so I must push - even with the current circumstances that I managed to invest into the greatest studio quality sound systems - patience I am - presence I am - self will I am - self forgiveness I am - stability I am.

1 comment:

(Bella) said...

lol, quite fascinating Tala - cool this writing as self honesty