Saturday, June 19, 2010

con tact

Contact dance session was quite physical - I've recorded 70 minutes with about two dozen of people are moving around - it was interesting - I was able to directly see in several moments when I was tending to go 'inside' instead of be here as physical.
Some moments it was like I was going inside because of I was like thinking about what I judged here -- and also there were moments when I had a bit of desire after specific experiences and then as I judged it - also I was going into detailed self delusion by 'leaving' physical as body but not as self presence but into and as mind - and in fact being trapped within the body and directed by mind but not being aware of the situation.

So it was great to see this and I moved through - many times I assisted myself with continuous movements of my fingers - like moving them all around while I was watching or slowly moving - I was not in the touching phrase - as I decided not to contact dance but mostly being busy with the camera to direct it and when I let the camera simply record - I played some music - and I was a bit surprised that my musical expression became stable and I was able to play along without judging me and being afraid of being heared and fear of making mistake and influencing others with my mistake - there were occasions when my drumming slipped - and I pushed through and corrected it and it was fascinating how I was able to express along with many people - I must push myself to be able to be seen, to be able to heard - as I was living in my cave - I come out and stand and express.

I manifested resonantly some kind of connection with dance and music and this kind of 'artistic, energetic, flowing' people in my 'free' time along with my job time when I am connected with the 'structured, programming, creator' - and I am embracing all as myself here.
I stand as principle - as I am speaking of equality but I am living it and if I live and push and I face with dishonesty - I can stop instead of judge - because as I judge - I remain as self dishonesty - instead of without judging - moving and changing and stopping and revealing and sharing and expressing self here.

I also must advise that I had this resistance to go and move along with people - it was not desire - but sometimes I wanted to but I decided to not to go in - and this I must explore - I face physical and I expose and I stand as self honesty and the internal process must be externalized and equalized within human relationship one and equal.
Amalgamating myself with and as everything and stopping reactions - being aware of each and every single movement of me and see - am I am moving or I am being moved by what?
In fact if I am asking that am I being moved? I am revealing already that I am not aware - I am not here. So the point is always here, the point is obviously me what I can stop by living the decision as principle.

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