walktalk

I placed myself into a time-trap.
I am timelooping all the time on not having enough time. WTF?

My second job is coming to it's end and this last project is taking many time but I decided to do this, I decided to finish it well, no matter how much I have to work for this, so it will be.
But the trick is that this would be a website what people will use, so it must be that stable and constant as accountable to get people's trust to actually go and pay through it for the museum.
Today I missed something in the database since months - it's like I am creating a code and I miss to see a part of it - when I am not equally and one considering myself as programming - there are certain points what I do not 'get' directly as I am not even aware of it, so I do not 'face' it by myself really - I do not really see it myself - so my partnership with S. is going to be assisting - but at first - I wanted to be alone again and again and again when I was with her. Last two weeks I was working on this point - and I was sneaking some but mostly I was able to push myself through this pretending when I was with her. Pretending means like to not be as who I am as I am alone - not really different as starting point as who I am within application. I wanted to be alone to play computer game, to watch movies, to do homework, to energize myself with impulses what I would not really do when I am not alone.
So this is cool - I was hell bored of this and it is cool that someone is telling me onto my face that 'tala, you are sneaking, tell me'.

And it takes time for both of us to stop reacting to the already self-accepted attraction games in which both of us still participate within the desire competition where people's attention is based on sexual desire. But it is happening. I simply decide to not play attraction games with women, for me its not that intense as for my partner, who is always telling me that men want to be with her, for me it's not like that as there are not too much women who tend to please me, but sometimes yes, so I have to walk through some temptations.
At office and restaurant there are many woman so every day I can see my point in actuality.

There are times when I do eye contact deliberately to have some 'fun' with woman - even when I do not want anything sexual in these moments really - just wanting to get some reaction from some people. It's not even about sexuality in that form - it can be anyone, somebody who I can have a 'contact'. It's like energy - what I defined based on my past.
But actually there are days when I walk among woman and I can actually see them - not as sex objects, walking fucking and teasing and entertaining opportunity - but actually beings in their process as myself.
How they hold their limbs, their sound, their expression, I can open myself and I experience them who they are and when issues I face within me - reactions, movements - I must see that this point is within me still not clear and walked through - or is the being's process I am experiencing.
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Recently I noticed some dominant behavior within my expressions what I am curious about.
It's like sometimes I even do not wait for somebody's sentence to end, I speak for instance.
Also I noticed that to direct among people - first I get feedback of their attention then I express, like first wanting to be sure that my direction will be effective - but then I depend on them what is unacceptable.

Also I noticed some self forgiveness I spoke but not aloud, it was very thin sound and I accepted it, instead of correcting myself - because the clarity I can hear in myself, and when I almost swallow back the words - even when I am alone and I am not disturbing anyone for sure - then it is still an issue, and I feel like I am expressing my forgiveness weakly, so I must strengthen my expression to make sure that it is clearly expressed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exert my anger instead of realizing of that I can release this anger and then I am here as myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to manipulate others through words based on deception.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into temptation when other woman than my partner approaches me. Instead of realizing that we decided to agree on this point to do together and I decided to stand as this point, so I stop fall into temptation and I do not abuse my responsibility by playing innocent while accepting and allowing myself to be amused by other woman than my partner.

From Pain Wisdom to Equal Money System.

About one-two years ago my lower left wisdom tooth was operated out by a half dozen of dentists.
Recently I experience similar symptoms as with that but on the right side: dull pain, jaw become more static, even fever, sometimes twinging, throbbing pain.
It is happened because I did not wash my teeth properly - at the backside, I did not 'reach' with my toothbrush, with my awareness - and it went 'bad' by the years while I consumed tons of sweets for instance...in my family, most of the people has teeth issues - probably by default it is coming from DNA and then personal acceptance and allowance...

Last year, the dentist guy told me that that tooth looks like it should be removed, but I fell into self definition according to that: - the operation with the dentists removed the lower left 'wisdom' teeth - was about 4 hours and extremely uncomfortable.
After that - I was regularly visiting the ~dentist university, where the pupils were 'practicing' on me by supervision of a professional teacher. So about for a year - weekly I experienced The dentist chair, the drills, the syringes, the huge light onto my face and the wide mouth opening expression.
That was fascinating - so many times the physical experience triggered a some sort of 'regression' when I closed my eyes, I tried to 'pull back' into my center of my body to leave behind this experience - where actually some physically uncomfortable/avoidable experiences I faced, for instance when with hot metal the intervention 'required' to burn down some parts of the flesh near my teeth, or when getting the painkiller syringe injected into my frontal mouth or my teeth is being pulled with some harsh metal tools...
At these experiences - I was facing myself - and I was able to notice when I did not allow myself to breath naturally - when I literally tried to 'contract' myself and resist the experience and I held back my breath - as this 'program' within me works like the following:
when I am about to experience some physical what I defined before as painful - I am like 'preparing' myself with this 'defense mechanism' wherein I hold my breath back, like 'wanting to skip' this moment, wanting to 'avoid to experience' this moment, but in fact it is my reality.
It is my reality and I am the responsible for it - one and equal.
And if I tend to 'avoid to experience' this event as myself - directly as one as equal - I am not able to realize what and how and why I accepted and allowed to manifest as myself.

And if I am not able to realize the what and how and the why - then I am not able to see the core, the reason, the starting point of this self-dishonesty and then I am not able to directly find practical solution to stop it and then I am continuing participate within and as this 'reaction system' as I defined and accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as this rule-matrix developed through and as words.

So - after a year - about 5-7- teeth was 'repaired' - yet there were about 2-3 what was not finished but then at the dentist university - the year was finished, they started to prepare for exams - and I stopped visiting dentist.
In fact at last summer - at one point - I randomly met with the two dentist guys in the city who were 'practicing' on me before, and they told me, I should arrange with them for a check-time about how my t00th are and then to do the necessary support.

In fact - this is a great opportunity - as this is for free - only the material I paid - and to have proper dentist support - it is really a LOT of money - and I was able to avoid this.

So since a year - I did not care about this - because I was like - 'my teeth were extensively handled almost for a year' - and 'I, myself do not feel pain at the moment' - so I did not take a shit.

Until last week, when I started to experience the pain compounding.
So this week, I visited an other dentist, this time a 'private' one, who gets paid well for interventions(repair, replace, fix etc) but not for the check at the first time.
I told him about the last year and about the pupils, and then he suggested to contact them because here I would need a 'panorama-X-ray' with what the dentist can engage to open up the area around my 'bad' right lower 'wisdom' teeth to take it out asap because maybe that is causing the pain.

Today I had the opportunity to contact the university dentist guys but I didn't - I was busy all day working and I did not direct myself for contacting them and I experienced some inner reactions what I built up before and now I was able to directly face it as it directed me not to act immediately.
This was about 'me not wanting to be unabashed', not wanting to 'use' this service too much, because if I am there, then an other person can not be, so in fact I am taking the place from someone else - who maybe has much more pain or much more urgent medical support.
That was a point what I accepted and allowed within me.
Also I wanted to give some money for the dentist guy who was very patient and enjoyable while he was repairing my teeth - so I decided to give him about 100 euros - as I saw the current dental system and if I would visited for a 'private' dentist - I should had to pay more than one thousand of euros - maybe more - and I wanted to appreciate his work - regardless of that is part of his schooling system process. But then I did not do this - I did not seek after him just to give him some money - because I am grateful - yet I judged myself about this is just stupid for instance - so I did not move.
And at this moment - I should contact him - and today I hesitated - because I experienced this system 'under the hood' within my head, not even 'really' consciously - but more like of 'feeling these kind of energies'.
This is unacceptable.
I stand up from judgments, I stand up for immediate action based on common sense, physical.

I remember Joe Kou also did a VLOG on his hesitation for visiting dentist and he explained the consequences of his procrastination.

Tomorrow I will see, it is possible to find a clinic where they could do X-ray and the operation - but I had this inner reaction of 'what if they are not pro and they fuck up my mouth?'
It is coming to the point of money. The more I can pay for this - the more I can 'hope' that they are able to handle this.
This is how humans accept themselves - who do have money - they can get great support, but who does not - then they go to hell - according to what they will experience - it is how it plays out.
For instance my mother has also teeth issues - but she says she can not afford dentist, thousands of euros to spend to make her 'fake'-teeth from metal and porcelain - that is so expensive!!!

In an Equal Money System - no one would have to fear about they can not get proper dental support - so I do support Equal Money System.

Energy vain self forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to energy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define energy as great.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to energy because then energy defines me, energy moves me and then I do not have to take direct responsibility for what is here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form and manifest energetic manifestations within me according to words, physical movements, instead of realizing that who I really am is direct one and equal physical experience.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define breathing according to memories, according to definitions of energies instead of being here as breath directly.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as energy generator.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live according to energy instead of being the directive principle as life as physical one and equal.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to conceal the nature of my energetic possessions from myself, from others in order to manipulate to get what I want, or avoid what I do not want.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want or not want things instead of acting directly accordingly as myself as one as equal.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to energetic experiences.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust within energies, within experiencing energies instead of trusting myself here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge according to energy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself according to energy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others according to energy.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within participation of energy - I am not directly living but being directed by accepted and allowed self-dishonesty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to energetic experiences of mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to energies.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to ride energies instead of realizing I am the directing principle and I am responsible of I am accepting energies instead of stopping immediately.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that who I actually experience myself as mind consciousness system - is of energies - is of conditions, is of not physically real.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept myself being directed by and as energies instead of STOP.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly wanting to have energies what I defined as indications of I am doing great, I am great - this is of self-deception.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define breathing according to energies.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to energetic experiences of breathing.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when I do experience breathing, I I am facing with energetic experiences of what I already defined and did not let go as energetic experiences based on self-dishonesty what must be stopped.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge myself according to energies.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I do require energy to live instead of realizing that energy of mind is invalid as it's starting point is of self-dishonesty.

írok

irok irok es csak irok - teljesen a tudatomat az tolti ki, hogy itt vagyok, lelegzek - tudatossa valik, hogyan utom a billentyuket egyenkent, mindegyiket kulon-kulon tapasztalom egymas utan - megis gyorsan es folyamatosan gepelek - ez a tapasztalas - ahogy a testem itt ul, ebben a fizikai, ebben a geometriai pozicioban, ezekkel az erzekszervekkel tapasztalva - ha a definiciok kepbe jonnek - mar tul sok -- figyelni a valosagra is, meg figyelni az elme're - ez kettos, mert amig elme van - addig nincs valosag - ha csak egy pillanatra is...aztan az elmen keresztul definialom a valosagot, aztan a valosagban meg az elme nem segit igazan, hacsak nem mar az altalam eddig elfogadott es megengedett megnyilvanult kovetkezmenyeket tapasztalom az elmen keresztul...marmint egy kettősség "alapú" elmén keresztül definiálom a nem kettősséget?

ahogy irom ezt - rajovok, hogy ha igy irok - es lelegzek - kepes vagyok csak irni - es ahogy kiadom magambol - kepes vagyok latni magamban - megtapasztalom magam egy olyan formaban, ami stabil, konstans, mert leirtam - es ha eggye valok az irassal, fizikailag, tudatossagban, akkor en az vagyok, mint a teremtes - tudatossag, fizikai megnyilvanulas, onmagam - az mar mas kerdes, hogy mennyire vagyok oszinte magammal - mert amig nem vagyok kepes brutal oszintesegben irni a dolgaimrol - amik gondolkozasba 'taszitanak' a jelenlet folytonos valosagabol - addig nem is latom magam 'tisztan' - hogy miert is jonnek ezek a gondolatok magamban - amik szinten en vagyok valamilyen szinten - csak oda 'uztem szamon' magam, az elme 'hatartalan birodalmaba' - ahol latszolag a gondolatom csak en lathatom: csak en lathatom, hogy ujra az elme 'maszkja'n' keresztul vagyok csak hajlando a valosagban interakcioba kereveredni, aztan persze ha ott valami zavaros, tul intenziv, kellemetlen, akkor mivel en mar az elme kesztyujen keresztul 'ragadom meg' - igazabol mindig a kesztyut fogom - mint amikor ovszert hasznalok - en a puncit kozvetlenul nem erzem - csak az ovszer belsejeben vagyok teljesen elszeparalva onnan, amiben vagyok - es igazabol nem en elvezem a puncit, hanem az ovszer;) - ezt talan Bernard mondta egyszer, mint hasonlat, de ez van...

egy időben lekötött, hogy az elmémet különböző anyagokkal befolyásoltam, "gátoltam" néha "rendesen" működni, próbáltam kitörni a már viselt űrruhámat, de ha néha sikerült is, csak azt tapasztaltam, hogy lekerült rólam ez a dolog, és kb újszülött vagyok és lélegzem, aztán amikor a szerek hatása "kifolyt" - akkor hirtelen újra szembesültem magammal, mint elme és képtelen voltam egy lélegzettel, stabilan, lélegzetről lélegzetve elengedni az elme befolyását, s fokozatosan újra "rámnőtt", "belebújtam" ebbe a rendszerbe.

De mindig úgy éreztem, én valamennyire befolyásolok, meg "ragad rám" ezeknek az élményeknek a sorozatos megélésén keresztül, de igazából ezek csak foszlányok voltak - ez egy felfoghatatlan különbség - pedig azok az élmények csak blokkolták az elme bizonyos működéseit - a teljes elmét leállítani a legnagyobb botorság - az egész lényem, létem az elmében van - a hirtelen "kiszakadás" - és mindaz, amit a test végez - aminek az ember nincs tudatában - amit az elme "átvett" - az is leállna és lehet, hogy azt a test nem élné túl. Abszolút szimbiózis, a fizikai valóságban.
Ez a szimbiózis egy folyamatos, légzésről légzésre történő megfigyelésén, átölelésén, definíció nélküli megtapasztalásán keresztül a tudatos leálláson, mint az élő megbocsátásként történő önkifejezés fizikai megnyilvánulásaként: a "leállás", "megállás" gyakorlatán át - megállítható.
Mert a fizikai megnyilvánulásom - amit teszek - olyan kiindulópontokon alapszik, amik mentén ez a definíció-alapú létezés így elharapózott és ránknőtt. Ez elfogadhatatlan. Mindenki felelős ezért az "énjéért" - meg kell állítania - mert ez az egó, ez az önérdek az, amely meggátolja az egészben a harmónikus, egyenlőség-alapú élet megnyilvánulását minden egyes ember által, aki elfogadja magát, mint definiáló elme.
Ezért az elmét meglátni, ahogy mozog, hogyan mozog, miért mozog - az kulcs.
Az elmét úgy elengedni, hogy fizikailag jelenvagyok, a lélegzetemnek tudatában vagyok - az is kulcs.
Az elmében bizonyos feltételeket, helyzeteket, érzéseket, melyekben azt tapasztalom, hogy nem vagyok abszolút őszinte magammal - önmegbocsátást alkalmazom - megbocsátom magamnak, hogy elfogadtam és megengedtem magamnak, hogy ezekben a bizonyos helyzetekben, ekkor és itt, nem önmagamra, hanem feltételekre hagyatkozom, az határozza meg, hogy és mit és kiként tapasztalok, amik elfogadhatatlanok. Ezért megbocsátom magamnak, hogy elfogadtam és megengedtem magamnak, hogy ez és ez miatt, konkrétan ilyenkor például megijedek - vagy például dühös leszek és felbaszódom(nyers példa, de ezt mindenki vágja) - vagy, hogy olyan dolgokra gondolok valakiről, amiket ha mondanék az illetőnek, akkor csúnyán megjárnám - ez sunnyogás, olyan mintha nem minden részem lenne itt, hanem egy részem sunnyogva vigyorogva bújik és nem mutatom ki, elfojtom, lenyelem, elrejtem - pedig az is én vagyok...
Ezekre a helyzetekre vonatkozólag lehet írni önmegbocsátást - vagy mondani - s a hang, mint önkifejezés - bizony kioldja a kötést a programból, amely meghatároz az elmében - nem oldja meg, csak kicsit feloldja - segít tudatossá válni, segít mélyebbre látni, segít leállni.
Vagy ha kifejezem magam, hogy önmegbocsátás erre a dologra és mégis csinálom, vagyis mégsem hagyom abba a belső reakciót például vágy, harag, GONDolkodást - akkor az önmegbocsátásom egyértelműen nem valódi - fizikailag nem bocsátottam magamnak meg semmit - tehát egyből tudatossá válok abban is, hogy amit csinálok, az hatékony-e. Ezért ez fontos. Önmegbocsátás az alap.
Nem csak az "elmélet", az "elv", a "szimbólum" fontos itt, hanem a folyamatos fizikai kifejezés - akár megosztani mással, akár mindenkivel, hogy én ez vagyok most - az élő önmegbocsátás - s mások közt úgyis kiderül, hogy valódi-e.