Sunday, May 29, 2011

Why I stand with Equal Money System - my story of money since childhood from communism to capitalism

Writing about money - stories

I write about money - I experience some inner reaction towards money, and I simply pronounce points within my life - people's life - what are being influenced, directed and even abused by the current money system - how we humans globally accept ourselves to 'operate'.
Within an Equal Money System - things could go on different ways, especially I can refer to my family members, who are already exploited by the amount of self-compromise what they had to suffer in order to survive or in order to being able to support their family.
For instance my mother is in ruins - physically, psychologically - and there is a significant part within that what is directly related to money. And at this moment she is unable to live normally, she is taking pills every day, and visiting psychiatry quite regularly as her mind is required to be balanced chemically otherwise she is going nuts ('maniac depression') - and I've seen since my childhood how this great, strong, beautiful woman with full of potential and self-will - has became exhausted by the factory wherein she spent about 15 years regardless of for instance she did vomit every morning even from the thought of she has to go into the factory to work. Her decision was to push her limits to be able to support me and my sister to us to be able to go to school, buy the books and the tools to educate ourselves to not becoming like her - it's like a human sacrifice what millions of parents do day by day and accepting the exploitation and abuse what they face every day at 'workplace' where they are being used as slaves. This must end once and for all - I 'have' down-to-earth 'living' examples within my family and all over the fucking planet that people can barely function as humans because of the profit for those who already have more than enough. This compromise what I stand up for and I want change.

At this moment it is required to review my relationship with money, so the issues what I still carry I must write down one and equal and see what I am still accepting and allowing within myself to equate and embrace money as myself without separation to be able to become the directive principle as Life within the starting point of 'What is Best for All'.

Since a while I am earning money by having a job constantly. This has some significant impacts on how I perceive and handle(spend) money.
I start to write where I came from - from this perspective.

I've grown up in a relatively poor family where we could not afford much spending, when I was tiny(until 10 years old) I remember I was with the family(grandpa, grandma, mother, father, cousins, sister etc) - and they were quite often worried about money. They've managed to have things, but mostly because there were constantly working - grandpa in the forest, father in the collective farm(some form of 'communist' unit of the region), mother in the 'milk-factory' etc.
I remember, very often we did scouting in the fields, after the huge harvesting machines were done - as they always left for instance quite significant corn on the field - so then the whole family was out with the horse-chariot and we collected many dozens of bags full of corncob, what we after did crumbled with hand-driven machines, resulting dozens of corn for the animals what we did breed.
Since I started school, my family grownups programmed me and my sister to be as great learner in school as we can, as they perceived it as a key to avoid us to grow up into poverty.
When I was in basic school, I noticed that the others in school had more cool clothes, toys and more pocket money - to spend it for icecream or chokolate. But the monetary distance between me and the others did not seem that huge - however I often had to face limitations because of the lack of money. But as we lived in the village - there is always more easy to get a cheap but great bicycle for the kids for instance - so I did not bother much in that time...
When I started highschool - the political system already changed from Soviet Union(100.000 soviet soldiers left Hungary in in 1989-1990) and then the capitalism was officially here. Then I've noticed that some stuff is unaffordable for me what others can have in the school - the fancy shoes and clothes and electronics for instance - and in that time my mother raised me and my sister alone and she was working in the 'milk-factory' all day to be able to send us to school as her most important goal was this, to be able to afford to train us to get more proper jobs than our family members had.
Within the 'communist' system - as I perceived, she was more easily able to do so - but then the private sector started to eat up the country properties and the monetary distance started to grow between the people - more poor people and less rich were made by the new system, where the keywords were 'freedom', 'free choice', 'free religion' etc...
I had no idea about these in that time - I only noticed that from the perspective that when I was about 15 - I was jealous for the rich guys who could afford to have IBM PC - however they were unable to use them properly, and I wanted that stuff as I was already programming my little Commodore 64 since years and I wanted to expand but I could not.
So I started to place myself into the monetary system, first by forming desires and needs to train myself to be able to earn my own money to not be limited by poverty. Fascinating, and I remember the others were bullying me because my chinese shoes were signed as :Reobek, instead of Reebok. In that time I was very suppressive, so probably my face looked like constant nervousness.
However, when I started university - I was barely able to pay for the college and the food. So I applied for student-jobs, they were really exploiting, but it was money.
I remember working in a mineral water and energy drink bottler factory, I had to stand next to the production line all day and picking up the six packed bottles and putting them onto the pallet. Once the machinery stopped because of a fault and I enjoyed the brake and I stood near to the wall and held my hands in my pocket. Then I remember the director came to me shouting like hell that he never wants to see people standing like that, and then I should clean up or something and then that was the point when I realized - my mother spends more than half of her life in a place like that where dickheads exploit her by the point of money and I must expand way over this by educating myself.
Also I remember working for a car-repair-tools-delivery company by installing a DOS-based software for the workshops in the county with which they were able to order particles for cars via phone-modems. That was also a job what I felt like even a headless monkey could do after some days, but I 'had' a chauffeaur who drove me around the county and I enjoyed to see the landscapes. He told me stories about he was a taxation-inspector in the past when the communism ended, and he was facing some mafia-like organizations where they were 'bleaching oil'(attenuating fuel) and making billions of illegal profit - and he was told that if he could not stop - his house with his family will burn - so then he did quit and became chauffeaur.
Those guys handled me like a jewellery, just because I was able to speak in the language of computers easily. Yet, the money what they gave was only pocket money, however it was better than nothing, and I hated to eat bread roll only with tomato flavour, I needed to eat properly to be able to study the maths and the programming(and later on to drink the cheapest, shitty alcohol to be able to face women, but that's an other story lol).
After a while, I came together with E(first love, who later on became my wife on paper) - she had money - she was not rich, but she was supported way more than I ever could imagine.
From the moment we came together, she did share her money with me and we did shopping each week and bought lot of foods, yoghurts and all the foods what I perceived in that time as 'luxuries' - muesli, french cheese, fruits, sweets etc.
In a way it was very cool that she shared unconditionally - but somewhere I felt some frustration because I was supported, dependent by her and I judged it and I judged myself.
After a year together - I started to be part of a specific programming workshop at the university wherein we started to be educated as Java programmers with my mates from the college - and I had no PC to practice with - and E. was already more mature in this way and she told me that she invests in me in a way as she bought a great PC in that time, the price was more than 1000$ - in 1999-2000 - that money was a fortune. I remember I got the dollars from her to go to money changer - and I felt like I look like a punk crawled out from the garbage with that MUCH of money to get the local currency, hungarian Forint to buy the computer and I even had the fear coming up that I can be robbed - but then I realized, I look like somebody who has nothing but dirt, so with that I could pace my mind.
Then with that computer and with the participation in the specific Java Programmer Usergroup - I started to practically learn this programming language - participating also in summer scholarship, additionally working with Linux, what was a great financial value later on - but in that time I did not realize. At the university, the 'normal' course was more likely theory - and to learn how to learn programming. How to face totally new areas of informatics and by pushing it - becoming it's master to be able to use the computer for what they were made initially - earning money.
After the university - I moved to the capital and my CV was a bit more outstanding than the others in the university who did not educate themselves in that debth.
And I do not say it was easy at the beginning - I remember, to configure Apache JServ to even to make the server say only that 'It's working' - was days - we had to push and push and re-try and re-read - and with my mates we were obsessed to simply WANT to learn it. There was no internet in the college in that time, we had literally try every possible way to make the fucking thing work - and we did.
So, as the university ended, some international companies approached me and offered jobs to me. I remember one guy offered me to move to Belgium and he could invest in me to educate me more and give some responsibilities, but I was obsessed with numbers only - and I clearly stated - at least 200.000 HUF I want to get in my hands literally in every month, and by those offers - paying the hotel, the education and the airplanes - the final number could not reach the 200K, so I did not care.
Finally I found headhunters who could offer that much money - and I moved to Budapest to live - leaving my girlfriend a year more(she still had one more year in the city Debrecen to finish her psychology studies) - and I started to work 'normally'. Fascinating what I refer as 'normal job' here - because I already worked in many areas before, I remember when I was teen, I also did hoening with an old guy - to cultivate grapefields for instance - by that I felt like my back is spliting off,(the old guy seemed like terminator in my eyes as he did not whine that much like me but probably he did this kind of jobs since decades) but sometimes I needed the money that much.
So for the first time - I got the money what I always wanted.
I was not prepared for this - I was holding my first salary and I was wondering 'What the fuck now'?
At that company(and in this field, this is quite common) - we went out at noon to eat in the inner city - and the price of the food made my blood incendiary - but I did not care - I wanted to eat great stuff, I spent almost half of my salary to food for about a half year - for the first time I felt like I need to eat to complement my scant in this point.
Very soon I started to spend a significant percentage of my salary to alcohol and light drugs, I felt like I am a plant what started to get some water and sunlight at last...
My girlfriend often noted to me that I am wasting way too much money on things, such as food, could be bought in a more clever way, for instance by cooking to myself - and very slowly I started to get that - when I wanted to have another things, for instance a decent cellphone or clothes in which I am not making policemen always suspicious(military, 'rock and roll' clothes, long hair etc), and it was fascinating to see how people perceive me changed just because my clothes started to change - and I did not wear suit and ties - just not raunchy.

From that point - my income changed between this kind of salary to even zero for a while - but in those situations I already experienced that if I want - I can have a decent salary, and I already 'created myself'(or more likely within the system I was impulsed to became like this) - so I did not bother myself on eating rice only for a day - as I am aware of sustaining myself physically is not THAT much money - by buying the ingredients and cooking for myself - it's fragment of the price of what is the price for instance of a menu at a restaurant. It's only 'TIME' - going to the cheap place, preparing the food, cooking it, cleaning up after cooking - as I live alone - this I consider too much time, and by money, literally I am perceiving that I am buying time.
What is not always true - and at this stage for instance I am getting food ticket as cafeteria from the company what I work for - and by those tickets - I can afford to eat in canteen/restaurant or order food by runners - however I started to investigate how and why I spend money in all parts of my life and I see that I still could reduce the amount of spending for eating.

Okay, this is a wonderful opportunity to start with to see what self-forgiveness points I require to express in order to express my will to change within and as myself to prepare myself to physically change and not participate within abuse by being within and as this current money system.

That's why I promote Equal Money System as humans are literally slaves of the point of money and who do not face daily abuse - is more likely simply because they can buy off themselves from the abuse - but who can not afford to 'pay out themselves' from this - in fact virtual - debt of money - I guarantee that they experience daily life as HELL on earth, because they can not sustain their body, they can not have proper health care and they can not support their family and education and therefore most of the humans are maintaining a self-destructive(planet) system what must end by the people one by one realizing the self-responsibility one by one and stand up and form a group and say no for money being god over Life.

In fact recently my focus started to move more and more towards money and people around me tend to judge me that I am changed and my interest is only money - but in fact if I want to make a change WITHIN the current system, I must be able to stand one and equal with the money - to direct and accumulate money by the principles of Life.

I will continue this post by walking through this timeline and forgiving any self-definition what I still accept within myself regarding to money.

I dare you to educate yourself on how money REALly inpacts daily life not only the people in western culture, but all over Earth - and even often I get the feedback that if I refer to poor afrian or asian children - they say it's only manipulation to get money from people who want to appear as good - but this is real, people, these are physical beings, and there is no any luxury or any entertainment within this world what could be more worthy than supporting Life within a being, not only human but animal or plant as well. But the point is that we must approach the core of this abuse, and my partner often says, if I would really care about those dying brown-skinned children, then I could adopt as much as I can and support them. It's partially true - but the whole system we must focus on to understand and change from within - because I could adopt even 100 children by myself - the current system is continuously producing poverty - and that we must stop directly.

So I make my stand obviously as All Life - and I do not allow middleground in this - and by that I support even those who oppose me - by reflecting back what they still allow and what I can not allow as 'myself'.

So I dare you to stand up for an Equal Money System - and if you do not get it - study, educate, empower yourself with REAL, practical knowledge, about how to stop self-dishonesty within ourselves and within the world One and Equal.

Thank you very Much

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Summing up Why I experience immediate urge sometimes to end being with my partner and why I still am with her

Ranting about current situation with my partner.


With my partner there are some issues what we face regularly.
I might mention points what I already wrote about - but as these are still here as my reality - I write about these again.

I face the point that I am planning to leave the country. I've decided to be with S, who is my partner since months. The original plan was to leave until June 30.
At this moment it is more practical to stay - but this 'planned end' of our 'agreement' to stand together and explore what would mean to be together within self-honesty - will be postponed.

However I experienced this urge to end it regardless of my stay. Why?

I wanted simply to restart - I made mistakes - and not all of them I corrected within physical living - and sometimes I experience a need for 'pullback', to walk alone again and restart my process so to speak from blank - as there were acceptances by me what compromised my self-honest walk since the beginning from our relationship.

Specifically there were some points what I simply did say that I do embrace - but within moments I exposed my dishonesty as physically I did not - and at moments when I judged our relationship - I wanted to quit - regardless of our agreement on we stand by each other until I stay in this city.

Mostly when I mentioned to her to end it in 'harmony' at June 30, as I've prepared myself to do so, as the original 'plan' was - she ended up reacting emotionally and disagreeing with me extensively and making me decide to end it immediately or end it until I'm here.
That point we faced about 4-5 times intensely and we ended up staying together - however there are still some reactions within me what makes me wonder, why still I become unsure within my already made decision.

Three points I can see within me what would impulse me into want to 'end' our agreement...well it's in fact four.

one
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-an other particular woman who I meet regularly and sometimes I experience temptation however I already considered to approach to start a relationship what we could transform into an agreement - but as she explained her starting point and her desires - I can not give what she seeks - family, love and those things and I never would want such things. Yet we meet and she is alone and attractive - and at one point I experienced self-compromise by 'defining that she would not start with a man who is in an other relationship' - and by that I was waving for a moment - because the trust I did put into her - the directive principle, the 'decision' - instead of myself, here being the directive principle simply unambiguously stating that I am already with somebody and that's more than enogh. Recently I am doing this - yet sometimes I still experience direct playouts from my unconscious what I notice when I am already doing physically, for instance touching her hand.

two
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-I still experience urges sometimes to engage into sex with my partner - and sometimes it is more than 'gently asking to do so' and I am being moved by self-accepted sexual desire - somehow it's like I stopped most of conscious mind-plays about women and sex, I stopped to watch sexual media, and then there is only one way I allow to go sexually: my partner - so I sometimes am being directed by this point, at least only with my partner - however I would stop sexual activities for a moment, to see, understand, write, forgive and stop the inner reactions according to sex - for instance 21 days of no sex. But that is strongly denied by my partner at the moment, as she told me that within a 'partnership' it is required to do sex.
In other way - it's great, because I experience sex - I do not desire after sex - so the dishonesties about sex(definitions, reactions) might stop if we continue it only on physical level, but at the moment I am still a man of extremes - do it with full power or not do it at all, so I am sometimes doing ping-pong 'between the two edges' of this polarity.

three
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-my partner is participating with great velocity within tibetian buddhist medhodology, what is obviously self-deception from it's starting point - however when we came together - I've decided to embrace that point and stand and not being influenced and reacted by that at all - yet at occasions I still storm about that - and her starting point is that the basic practices she started(about years to do so), she wants to finish it as she defines it very assisting - regardless of my absolute unweavering expression of it's 'bullshitness' - and about that point - we, as it looks like - never can come in a full unison. However she is interested in self forgiveness - and we did openly speaking self forgiveness about our currently experienced dishonesties - to open up and share shit and express the will for wanting and actually living for changing. But she would never share her insights within a blog or vlog - or using her birth name related with such things. Or for instance she wants her very curly hair grow until her hip regardless of my pushing to cut off - because she wants to see how it would be that long - and she has a 4 years old kid and she fears that if she would diviate from 'looking or acting normal' she would be kicked off from her job and then she would face extreme difficulties to support her kiddo. So she never wants to undertake her inner process(especially self-dishonesties) to be shared on the internet with anybody. And sometimes I see as she exposes her point of view regarding to Equal Money System as an 'ego-play' puppet-game directed by Bernard - and she obviously does not want to realize the responsibility within our participation within the current abuse within the current money system and how practically we could prepare ourselves to direct the situation to manifest something what is best for all. And these are serious points within this and I sometimes 'feel like'(lol) I compromosed way too much by these only one by one as individual points and I want to correct it in a moment like a snatch even if it would mean a crispy end of our attempt to form a one and equal agreement being walked physically. I remember, because of seeing this clearly - once even I wondered exactly as the following: 'Am I this stupid?'

four
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-sometimes I judge my process, I judge my location and I judge my 'progress' instead of acting within consistency - and in those moments my 'good old methods' try to come out by my inner participation: step out from the current location and try to do a 'fresh new start' alone for instance simply go to a new country and from it's beginning, being very determined about what and who and how I allow to be within my reality. This is a point what I am pushing since 3 years I placed myself into a constancy by staying at the same workplace, but I still experience different facets of my expressions regarding to 'I am at workplace with the people who I am with while I earn money' and the 'private life of myself'.
In the beginning I've decided not to promote desteni at my workplace because I experienced I that might could not handle that without participating within mind-energy, and the importance to financially stabilize myself I preferred, so that's the situation.
Well, the contract by I work - in fact protects me by the word 'diversity' - as no one can start any issue regarding to political or religious or or sexual preference any view what is not directly related to the job unless it is not harming the collegaues or the efficiency of the job. So sometimes, I experience the need to expose it and see how they process my point of view - and by my judgments - I made myself to be sure that many of those would perceive me as a some sort of 'nazi' because of my principle of no middle ground within the process by the following: Do you stand as all as one as equal within oneness and equality and give up personality manifestations of the mind entirelly or not.

So by these four points, I still accept myself to be unsure and by that I am compromising even the possibility to form a REAL agreement - and if I am self honestly looking these points - and if I could do anything what I could do(physically at this moment I prefer not to) - I would move to London to the guy who I already lived for a while before and then by 'walking alone' again, finding a new job and changing my living-conditions to be able to do more Process-related activities, such as internet-activities through social networking, blogging, vlogging, sharing my insights, studies, learnings, point of views from where I came from etc...

But at this moment I already placed myself into a situation where I am responsible for supporting my mother financially and I've decided to be able to afford desteniiprocess/SRA course without any brake.

Again - four points I wrote, and within the next blog post I will write self forgiveness sentences according to where I am aware of self-dishonesty within this writing.

And why I am still with her? At the beginning(about 8 months ago), I did assessed the situation and I came out with that I can handle this and I can remain myself without losing myself with her. Many points we can discuss, and many times she notes to me that I am flying away - not always, but still at points I programmed myself into automatic self-dishonesty(for instance how I 'handle' 'another' women as sometimes playing out something like appears physically as I am initiating with them, and I am not even directly aware of this)

It is obvious that we are being faced extensively - and sometimes in fact I am bitchy for instance by these points - and when she says that this is way too unpleasant for her - I remind her that this should be a self-honest agreement, not a pink romantic continous two-sided self-deluded high - then she replies that regardless to anything we could do so by enjoying it and ourselves without any 'frozen moments'.
So then I comes out with this: I always did quit when I faced conflicts - and still - and never I stood by something as principle, and by oneness and equality - never - and if I decided to stand with her until I do not leave the country - then I should do so.
And she also says this - and maybe I am being manipulated by this point because regardless of my bipolar edgy temperament - she enjoys it(our walk) and me because she never was with a man who with she could discuss points this directly.
As it looks, she is quite similar within expression to my mother and I am very alike within how my mind works as his father - and that's an other point but this writing ends here.

Self forgiveness on energy, consistency

Energy, defining 'woman-like' energy based on self-judgments

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive that woman has longer energy cycles than men.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define somebody according to his/her gender.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define women as they have longer cycles because of menstruation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself energetically as a woman.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to gender.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist to recognize that I have allowed myself to define myself according to genders.
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry to the computer when something is not works like I imagined or preferred - instead of realizing that by knowing the system I can embrace it and direct it as myself but if I judge it - I am separated from it and I am being directed by this point of separation as my self-accepted self-dishonesty.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I am accepting myself as anger at the moment when I exert it onto things, people instead of realizing that if I do not participate - it is not here as it is not real but if I move according to anger - I am of it.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that my anger towards to the computer is in fact an anger towards myself - but if I do not realize this - I am not able to stop it as i am occupied with the computer instead of looking into myself and see the core of the anger of myself.
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Fear from not I am not being good enough

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not being good enough.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from others might say or think that I am not good enough.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from making mistakes, because I defined mistake as bad.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being judged as bad because then I would think or perceive myself as unworthy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being judged as unworthy.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to exist without definition.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I am defining - I am of and as the past what is not real here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to moments when I judged myself as I am not good enough.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself according to the event that when I was a little kid and my mother sent me into choir and after the first session, the teacher told me that 'you should not need to come next time' and then I've defined myself as not good enough.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being not good enough because then I might not be needed for anybody.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be needed by others instead of being myself as who I am as Life, regardless of anybody or anything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act according to prove that I am good enough for others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act according to proving that I am good enough for myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I would judge myself as good enough, I could be a better man.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to become a better man because as who I am here, I've defined myself as bad.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from people's judgement as 'bad'.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that if I act according to polarity of good/bad - I am of this polarity equation, I am limited to this polarity system, I am of this system, who and how I act is of this self-accepted self-definition system.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I am accepting myself according to polarity manifestations such as good and bad - I can not comprehend what is physically here because I am participating, I am expressing through and as and within a system what is not physical, what is not here, what is not consistent, what is not best for all.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if my principle is not 'what is best for all' - then I am of self-definition system by participating within definitions what I reacted to within the past by self-accepted self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare my expression according to any memories.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as 'not good enough' based on expectations.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as 'not good enough' based on judgments.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as 'not good enough' based on fears.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as 'not good enough' based on beliefs.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that 'I am not good enough' instead of realizing that I am using self-definitions to compare myself with self-accepted definitions, what are in fact based on specific self-dishonesty points.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize how I do participate within the self-definition of 'I am not good enough', instead of being absolutely self-honest with myself and seeing what self-dishonesty I've accepted and become within myself and then realizing how and why I participate within such a self-delusion.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I compare myself to anything according to judgments about things - I am of definitions, I am of memories, I am of dishonesty.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I participate within such a statement, as 'I am not good enough' - I am participating within a polarity system, based on positive and negative - as 'good' and 'bad' - and within this system - I am limited of this polarity system.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I act within self-definition based on judging myself according to 'good and bad' - I am of the mind, I am of the self-definitions, I am of dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others according to polarity-based value systems, such as 'good and bad' - instead of realizing that within participation of polarity of the mind - I am limited to self-definitions.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I accept such a judgment within myself as 'I am not good enough in zzz' - then I have self-definitions accepted and 'lived' as system within myself as self-dishonesty according to 'zzz' - for instance writing music.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I experience such a reaction within me as inner reaction(thoughts) or outer reaction(spoken words) - then I must realize the subject of this judgment and seeing what preconditions I've limited myself into and as and I forgive those as letting go and stopping to participate within to let go any definitions of the mind unconditionally.


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Fear from not having enough time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I do not have enough time instead of realizing that if I separate myself from time - I am not aware of it as myself but of and as judgments.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that 'not having enough time' is self-dishonesty as time in physical reality is not relevant as it can not be touched.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I define myself as 'I do not have enough time' when I participate within a polarity system where I judge my acts according to self-definitions such as 'useful' and 'unuseful'.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to direct myself as Self-Will all ways here, but I am being directed by influences by the senses, as I am being directed and influenced by impulses through manifesting self-definitions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to specific activities and if I do not 'act out' these activities - then I define myself that I am not myself - instead of realizing that this self-defined depiction, based on self-definitions is of the mind.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I define parts of myself as more important than other parts of myself for instance in a moment I define sexual activities as not important because I defined other activities as more important, for instance doing my job - and by that I am acting according to definitions.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I do suppress sexual activities because I do not have time for this - then this activity, what I suppress - will compound energetically - and this energetic compound will be exerted in a moment when I am not directing myself as myself as presence as breath as physical.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I am suppressing any part of myself - I am compromising equality within myself and by the principle as oneness and equality - the suppression will be equalized by systematic energetic charge-ups and discharges regardless of my will.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I am possessed with a specific type of expression - I am not myself but of system of self-definition-based act without I am being aware of the why and how and in fact it may occur that I am unable to stop it as it is 'being expressed' when I am not here as the directive principle as Self.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I define for instance computer gaming as 'complete waste of time' - yet I've defined myself according to computer gaming - I manifest suppression of 'wanting to play computer games according to self-definition' - and when this suppression is getting too much - it will take over regardless of my actual 'conscious decisions' of time management of my day and I will be 'possessed to play out' computer games according to self-accepted self-definitions - and physically manifesting the playing computer game continuously - regardless of my Location as current responsibilities - and by that - at the end of the day - I will experience this 'not having enough time'.

Instead of realizing - that looking into myself at the moment and deciding to give specific recurring timeframe for instance for computer gaming for 2x2 hours a week and then I will not suppress it and it will not grow inside - and I will be able to assist myself to not being lost within time by suppressing and exerting self-definition-based expressions to stabilize myself for a moment until I can stop self-definition-based programmed expressions.
The same goes with all activities, for instance at the moment: music, sex with my partner etc.

When I do say - I do not have enough time - I am not present within moments and then I am unable to direct myself to act according to my decisions to do my activities - then I experience that I do not have enough time, then after some 'self-defining of I do not have enough time' - I define myself consciously as 'I do not have enough time' - but then I experience this frustration that I can not do what I decided to do so - and I am not the directive principle to be able to 'give time' - then I resonantly start to fear from not having enough time - and participating within this system - I am not consistent but fighting against time, fighting against myself and this is unacceptable.
I stop define myself according to time or lack of time.
I am here - I direct myself - and what is here physically is who I am - what is here right in front of my nose - this is who I am - this is what I take on without defining it - without defining it separated from me.
------------
Fear from not having the tools what require for the specific expression

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not having the tools what are required for specific expressions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself according to my definitions of requirement for doing specific tools instead of realizing that I can always support myself with the basic tools of writing, self forgiveness, self corrective application - to realize what obsticles I've manifested and accepted within and as my reality.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within the past I've defined myself as 'I do not have tools to express myself according to what I want' - and for releasing this fear - I've participated extensively within the current money system to be able to support myself and I did - and at this moment the tools are here with me - as my reality - and I've accepted and allowed myself to remain within this self-definition - without realizing that I've changed and the tools are here already, so redefining myself who I am is required regardless of the tools what I have as the starting point of myself is always myself standing here instead of defining my starting point according to physical tools and by that limiting myself extensively.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the tools what I've defined as 'required' to express myself - I can access, I can support myself to express myself - this is at the moment physical fact, so I am releasing this self-definition, that 'I fear that I do not have the tools to support and express myself'.

I am releasing and letting go this self-definition that I do not have the tools to support myself and in fact using what is here as myself without separation is the way to express myself.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Consistency

Realizing and scripting up Consistency.

My tendency to not share constantly for a while then bursting out in great velocity then stopping the movement is what I take on this time.

The Sexual desire what I decided to walk through at this moment is not bugging me as before as my walk with my partner is quite stabilized - regardless of my exerts of exposing my need to be able to 'see the end' of my agreement-relationship is sometimes still an issue, but yesterday we had a breakthrough in the spa when from blank 'harmony' I fucked up our trust for a moment and as this repeated for about 3-4 times already - I was able to recognize the pattern of self-dishonesty within that and I am able to see that I can embrace this point without issues from now on - yet I must stabilize this by writing out and making a VLOG - but this is already what I enjoy - when I walk a point and when I can share it with anyone on the planet - or I am ready to face the point as myself publicly - I experience this kind of joy of sharing my inner shit what I realized: this is not who I really am, this I can stop, this part of myself as self-dishonesty I can stop and by sharing this - I stand - at my blog, at youtube, anywhere. This is very cool - the sharing.

So the point what I experience as self-dishonesty as self-created-fuckup is this energy waving.
This time I will pronounce points by coloring specifically what I will write self-forgiveness(the next blog post) about for instance defining myself as woman-like slow-energy-waves for instance things what come up in long cycles, and my conscious mind is more likely operates on 'daily basis' - therefore I am not even aware of these cycles for instance what are directing me within me for instance in monthly cycles.

Procrastination I manifest by energetic cycles by judging my momentary situation.

---------
muthafucka blogger session lost my whole post and this was the last draft about 1/4 of the writing(blame, anger)
NEXT TIME I WRITE INTO NOTEPAD PlusPlus and only the final to put into browser as this happened so many times already, mostly when I spend hours with one post.

fortunately I am aware of this point this time so I write down the conclusion this time.

So using offline text editor to continue.

1.Fear from not I am not being good enough
2.Judging it before I finish it - defining things outside from me(my painting, my music etc) it as 'not good enough' - separating the thing from me and fear from not being good enough - the other part of the 1st point of perceived separation.
3.Fear from not having enough time
4.Fear from not having the tools what require for the specific expression


Mostly the 4th point I was pushing recently because that I could handle by investing money into tools. Hardware, software. So if this still comes up - bullshit, definition from the past - I must redefine myself and my environment - as I already start 'projects' what I see that I can do.

3. Not having enough time. I decide what to spend within my 'timeframe' - so if I do not give time to something - then let it go.
And momentary influences can come up for instance while I ate my dinner, I started to watch a movie and even when I finished my eat - I was still watching the film, because I defined it 'interesting', 'cool', 'fascinating', it's like unconsciously fear from not having enough time and by that I am manifesting 'not having enough time'. Trap of 22.
Self definition I must stop the cycle.

2 - It's like painting a house and first I make a draft and I say: it's shit - even before I finish it - if I am not satisfied - I restart it - if I can not do it - I must re-evaluate my location and capabilities and I might let go or re-schedule this 'project' with common sense - without reacting, without blaming myself, simply, HERE.

1 - When I was kid - I had no experience and liveable knowledge about how to do things - and I've defined myself as that - and I learnt - but my self-definition did not change - resonantly I am still that if I do not stop participate within that definition - if I do not re-define myself according to my current location, if I do not forgive and let go these within moment to re-write my reality by acting by walking through these unreal fears.

So I must embrace these points within me - and seeing how I participate and why.

Because I compound inner reactions what will explode within expression - but this is still not self-expression until it is conditioned to energy in any way whatsoever.

For instance I've decided to learn basic of kung fu - and I realized - if I want to steel my palm and fist - I must practice it day by day - continuously - and that is already progressing - it is an experiment to see - and to experience this daily practice. And each day I do not practice this 5 minutes - but about 5 of 7 yes. And slowly but surely there is a progress, yet much to be walked. So that I can do - I can be consistent but I must stand the whole thing without inner reaction - without judgment, without accepted-fear, without projection, without hope.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope for my fear will disappear without my active participation instead of realizing that if the fear would disappear by a condition 'outside from me' - then I am of this condition, I can be directed by this condition.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within fear to not needing to change and not risking failure.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from failure instead of realizing that failure is judgment based on already accepted fear.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

A B.I.G Alap Jövedelem Járulék project Namíbiában(nyersfordítás, első vázlat)

http://www.bignam.org/

2008 januárjában egy Alap Jövedelem Járulék(Basic Income Grant(BIG)) tesztprojekt kezdődött Otjivero-Omitara városában. Minden 60 év feletti helyi lakos kapott egy Alap Jövedelem Járulék, személyenként havi 100 N$ összeget, feltétel nélkül.

A BIG bevezetése után hat hónappal, jelentős fejlődéseket voltunk képesek lemérni:

„A BIG bevezetésétől kezdve a gyerekek alultápláltsága a településen jelentősen lecsökkent. Az adatok azt mutatják, hogy a gyerekek súlya a korukhoz képest jelentősen megnövekedett, csupán hat hónap alatt a 42%-os súlyhiány 17%-ra csökkent.”

„A szülők több mint a kétszerese fizette a tandìjakat. Az iskolaigazgató jelentette, hogy a BIG bevezetése előtt az iskolakerülési arányok az iskolájában 30-40% volt. 2008 júliusáig, ezek az arányok lecsökkentek 5%-ra.”

„A BIG bevezetésétől kezdve a helyiek sokkal többet használták a település egészségklinikáját. A lakosok most fizetik a 4N$ díjat minden látogatásért és a klinika bevétele ötszörösére nőtt.”

„A gazdasági és a szegénységgel kapcsolatos bűnesetek száma(illegális vadászat, lopás és betörés) 20%-al csökkent.

„Az Alap Jövedelem Járulék segítette abban segítette a fiatal nőket, hogy képesek legyenek a háztartást fizetni. Több fiatal nőről szóló esettanulmányból kiderül, hogy felszabadultak az üzletszerű szex kényszeréből.”

„Mióta a BIG bevezetésre került, az emberek többsége képes volt többet dolgozni több fizetésért, profitért vagy családi bevételért, vagy ön-alkalmazottságért. Ez a tény ellentétben áll a kritikusok azon gyanújával, hogy a BIG lustasághoz és függőséghez vezetne.”

„Több kisvállalkozás indult Otjiveroban, felhasználván a BIG pénzt, hogy azt a közösségben költsék el.”

„Az a kritika, hogy a hozzájárulások látszólag több alkoholizmushoz vezetnének, nem mutatott nyomot a közösségben. Ellenben, a BIG bevezetése megindította a közösséget abban, hogy felállítsanak egy felelős hivatalt, ami megpróbálja csökkenteni az alkoholizmust.”

„A nettó BIG 2.2%-tól 3.8%-ba kerül. Namibia elérhető adózható képessége eléri a nemzeti jövedelem 5%-át. Ez azt jelenti, hogy a BIG még a jelenlegi gazdasági szinteken is megengedhető, anélkül, hogy veszélyeztetné az éves szabályokat.”

„A BIG segítette a haladást mind a nyolc Évezredforduló (Millenium) Fejlesztési Cél irányába.”

„Ez egy megerősítő tett, az embereknek még több szabadságot és személyes felelősséget ad. Ez nem egy szívesség vagy egy jótékonyság, amely potenciálisan ledegradál. Ez az embereknek azt adja, amihez joguk van.”

Az EQUALMONEY.ORG egy olyan megoldást javasol, ami természetében nagyon hasonló a BIG-hez, s amit globális szinten lehetne alkalmazni, úgy ismervén, mint az Egyenlő Pénrendszer.

Az Alap Bevétel Hozzájárulás valódi, demonstrálható eredményekkel szolgál az Egyenlő Pénzrendszer alkalmazáshoz.

Ez egy bizonyíték arra, hogy egy egyenlő pénzrendszer működik.

Csakúgy, mint a BIG – egy, a jelenlegi gazdasági helyzetünkben is megengedhető alkalmazáson keresztül, az Egyenlő Pénzrendszer felmérhetetlen hatással lenne minden alapvető szociális ügyre/krízisre, valamint jobban elérhetővé tenné az egyéni és szociális fejlődéseket az éélet alapvető minőségében.

Jelentős és alapvető kihatása lenne a főbb szociális ügyekre, mint a Szegénység, Éhezés, Prostitúció, Oktatás, Egészség, Alkalmazás, Bűnözés, Alkoholizmus/Drogfüggés – ahogy ezt a BIG is mutatja.

A globális szinten bevezetett Egyenlő Pénzrendszerrel, mint az élő kifejezése, minden élet egyenlőségének értékelése, ez lenne a legnagyobb együttérző cselekedet, amit valaha ember látott a történelemben.

A BIG egy mikrokozmikus méretű példája annak a rendszernek, ami jön – egy megoldás a mi mostani helyzetünkre is: a kizsákmányolás, kihasználás és az emberi élet semmibevétele, ami a jelenlegi pénzrendszerünk által meg van engedve.

„Azáltal, hogy a BIG megengedhető,
A kihívás az lenne, hogy túllépjünk az előítéleten és demonstrálni a politikai bátorságot és vágyat, hogy megszűntessük Namíbia történelmének legrosszabb örökségeit: szegénység és egyenlőtlenség.”

Állj ki az Egyenlő Pénzért és az Egyenlő Lehetőségért

Állj ki az Életért

Support Equal Money System Practically



Thursday, May 19, 2011

Buddhizmus=önbecsapás - Józan ész - levél -

leborulás - kagyü weboldalról kagyü rinpócse írta, tehát azt vágó

csak ezt elemezve egyszerű paraszti ésszel egyértelművé teszem, hogy elmejátékszer és meghaladni azt ezáltal képtelenség, hisz folyamatos elme-munka.

The Proper Practice

1 - Visualization of the Refuge Tree
In front of us in space we imagine the whole refuge tree.
Imagináció - nem valódi - képzelődés. Tehát az elmémben képzelem a fát. Amíg képzelem ezt, fizikailag mennyire vagyok jelen? pont a folytonos imaginációm akadályoz meg amúgyis, hogy lássam mi van, miben veszek részt


First, we imagine Dorje Chang - the lama who represents all sources of the refuge. We imagine the lama as the center of the refuge tree. We should be fully aware that Dorje Chang is our teacher and that he is the mind of our lama.

Egy képet képzelünk el - vagy egy már látott képet, vagy egy általunk kitalált képet, vagy csak a fogalmat vagy csak a helyét - de mindenképpen imaginációra(lásd feljebb: képzelgés) érti ezt is.

We think about Dorje Chang to make sure that the manifestation of the nature of mind is not stained by our habitual thoughts. To help us keep the pure view, the view of wisdom, we imagine this perfectly pure form. At the same time we keep awareness that Dorje Chang is the mind of our lama.

Pakoljuk bele az elménkbe dörzsölt dzsángót, "róla gondolkodunk", hogy biztosra menjünk, hogy az elménk nem "szennyezett" a szokásos gondolatainkkal. Tehát gondolatok MARADNAK. Csak kicseréljük. a Tiszta nézetre, a bölcsesség nézetére, elképzeljük ezt a tökéletesen tiszta formát - nos, ebbe bele se kötök, oviba még oké, de ha gyakran csinálnánk ezt, anyu ránkszólna.
De közben azt is az elménkben tartjuk (jó nagy) "keep in mind", hogy ez a csáng a mi lámánk elméje. Nem szarral gurigázunk.




Everything that appears in front of us in space is like a rainbow or a reflection in a mirror; it is not a thing. If we have difficulties visualizing the whole refuge tree we should have confidence that all objects of the refuge are really in front of us even if we cannot hold them in our mind.

Ezt elképzeljük vagy nem - mint egy szivárvány, de persze nem egy dolog - akik megbuktak vizualizációból, ne görcsöljenek, csak csinálják ész nélkül, egyszerűen higgyük el, hogy mindez valóban előttünk van, még ha az elménk ezt képtelen is felfogni.


ááááááááá

de folyamatosan azt képzeljük, azt gondoljuk, úgy tapasztaljuk, azt tudatosítjuk és továbbra is képekkel, definíciókkal, elképzelésekkel, hitekkel pakoljuk tele a tudatunkat - vagy akiknek ez nem igazán megy, azok nyugodjanak meg és realizálják - a tudattalanba megy a "jó benyomás" - Nos - a tudattalan - az igen durva. Én oda nem pakolnék egy fránya dolgot sem, ugyanis a tudattalan az, aminek "nem vagyunk tudatában" - tehát úgy lesz a buddhista spiritualista (shamarpa spiritualistának mondja ezt az egész kócerájt, te nem:) megvilágosodott, hogy nem is igazából kell tudatában lennie. csak működik és kész

hit, vallás - ennél még a kereszténység és a kedvenced az Ószövetség(ami amúgy pusztán PURE EVIL, olvasd L) is ésszerűbb - dzsiháD!!!

és ez az ALAP
ezután, ha százmilliószor már csináltuk, akkor majd jöhet a tudat természete meg a nem dualitás, de akik nem tolják végig, nem törnek be, azoknak esélye se lenne, tehát nem is kaphatják meg a putz gyakorlatokat

de van aki ezt az alapot 10x csinálja meg, azok az igazán kafa szuperhősök - bár képességet nem kapnak, de türelmet mindenképp fejlesztenek - de azt úgy is lehetne, hogy négylevelű lóherét keresgélek a mezőn 30 évig éjjel-nappal és amikor találok egyet vagy tapasztalok egy tudat természete négylevelűt, akkor az energiát, reményt, hitet és meggyőződést ad.


Tudom, ez nagyon gyenge próbálkozás, de igazából nekem bőven elég ennyi - szemenszedett marhaság.

Aki egy kicsit is olvasottabb és tájékozottabb a világról, a kultúrákról, az tudja, hogy ez a távol-keletről jövő maszlag ugyanolyan kormány-agenda, mint a mcdonalds, meg a walt disney, csak ők több fronton dolgoznak és nekik mindegy mibe kerül, hisz ők találták fel és gyártják magát a pénzt.

Erről hagy ne kelljen számtalan doksit keressek, de michael tsarion egy jó kezdet pl

vagy jed mckenna


spiritual agenda, esoteric agenda - ugyanolyan psychological warfare, mint britney spears, csak egyik ilyen fegyver, a másik olyan

semmilyen evilági dologban nem lehet bízni csak magunkban

persze - te nem vagy buddhista - nem vagy a csoport tagja

de ha nem veszel menedéket a lámában és gengjében, a budhukban és nőikben, ha nem imádkozol(tudom durva, de prayer az ima) guruhoz, jó benyomásokat gyűjteni, felajánlani mandala dimenziókat persze ez is mind a te tudatod, de ha ezeket nem csinálod, nem vagy egy és egyenlő a módszerekkel, a jelentéssel, a szimbólumokkal, a céljaival és a kiindulópontjával, akkor meg miafasznak csinálod

ha megy igen, akkor az vagy, legalább ezt vállald fel, kérlek és akkor te is egy olyan vagy - budd his ta vagy budd ha ha ha

mer ez kb olyan minthogy én is lövöm szét a gyerekeket a többi katonával, de ha kérdezik, "én nem vagyok ebben a csoportban, én nem vagyok katona, én csak fogom a fegyvert és lövök, mint a többi" - ez kicsit nem felelősségvállalás, hogy mit is csinálok

tehát ha nem vagy buddhista vagy buddha vagy tibeti buddhista módszerek gyakorlóinak csoportjának tagja

(egyik DRÁGAKŐ a szanga, a közösség, a CSOPORT) - ha nem vagy a tagja, akkor az egyik allappilléren BEBUKTAD


ezek voltak most bennem, persze nem volt kedvem agyalni ezen, inkább leírom

tehát, hogy te mondod, csak csinálod ezeket, mert hasznos - az, hogy a te akaratod és elméd erős, és amúgy

EZEK MELLETT képes vagy józan paraszti észre és gyakorlatiasságra és valamilyen szintű ön-őszinteségre magaddal kapcsolatban - és emiatt a paráid csökkennek, oké - csak azt lehetne úgy is, hogy izraelbe katona vagy és lövöd a palesztint és közben amik feljönnek benned, azokat őszintén megvizsgálod és tényleg a javadra válik - de ez esetben a buddh**** felcserélhető és nem az a módszer, inkább az csak egy eszköz, amivel szélsőséges eseteket tudsz produkálni, mondjuk órákon át gyúrni hasra és kézre meg lábra és közben a dzsángót és menedékfáját tudatosítva

de mindenképpen egy idő után hátráltat, mert az a sok rendszer beivódik és én jópár éve abbahagytam de még mindig van amikor húst kóstolva eszembe jut egy mantra és akkor megbocsátom, hogy ilyen mélyen be tudtam programozni magam.


oké most ennyi

ha le van írva és többször el lehet olvasni akkor hátha talán ezek közül egy pont felvillan, hogy hmm, tala, amúgy igen

pl a kendi feleségével 1etértek: BAROMSÁG:)

hetekig tudnám elemezni a tanításokat, a szavakat, a mondatokat, a módszereket, a szentiratokat és a szimbólumokat, de ha ennyiből valaki azt állítja, hogy ez kafa, azzal én nem akarok pl szexelni vagy együtt lenni - SOHA. bocs, nem személyes, csak felelősség.

te persze más vagy, kicsit hasonlítasz rám, én 79-es vagyok, lehet korhoz van kötve, de nekem 28 éves koromra leesett - és fáj, hogy mit buknak be emberek és az én valóságomban az én felelősségem, hogy legalább ezt, amit én évekig buktam, ne bukja más

és ha ezt a lény nem realizálja, akkor ezt megteheti, csak ne az én valóságomban, mert én az én valóságomért vállalok felelősséget és kész..

persze a buddhizmus csak egy a sok faszság közül, nem para

de direkt választottalak téged páromnak, direkt tolom rád a sok szart, direkt nem kíméllek és direkt nem kedveskedem

és ha én a páromnak felelősséget vállalok, akkor ez az én felelősségem is, hogy amit és ahogy én látom-látok, azt neki is megmutassam, főleg akkor, ha ő úgy tűnik nem látja.
és ha nem fogja, akkor szórri, de akkor nekem ő nem a párom, nem júniusig, de soha igazán nem is volt, legfeljebb a közös érdek egy ideig összevonzott minket.


a faszbúkon ezeket leírtam, tehát aki engem spannak jelöl, az láthatja, nem árulok zsákbamacskát, nyilvános minden
de aki spanol velem, jobb ha tudja, hogy lószart nem tűrök el többé, s ha kell rohadtul egyedül döglök meg a világban, de ez vagyok - persze nem vagyok ezzel egyedül...
"Love = I will not accept or allow anything less than who you are as one and equal with me. When I see that you are not honouring you as who you are - I will directly intervene and assist and support you, how necessary - so you in this moment may realise/see/understand what you are accepting/allowing within you that is not of who you really are."

vagy olvasd el ott a profilomon az INFO részt, ez vagyok.

és az egész nekem a bélyeggel és mariskával kezdődött, de soknak nem kellett az, hogy reményt kapjon, higyjen

becskén hányan vágják ezt rendesen? a többség csak csinálja, jó a társaság, sok jó csaj, kellemes, mély hangú, atombölcs, mindenre van válasza guru, aki hozza a titokzatos misztikus mesés kelet idáig zárt mindenre megoldását

oké a pénzt megértem már, miért szedik, ők is esznek, mert ebben a fizikai világban szinte minden valahol kifejezhető dollárban, de amikor körbe kell járni a sztúpát, amit telepakolnak telerajzolt meseiratokkal és attól stratégiai helyeken elhelyezve majd a világot segíti - az már csak cseresznye a torta habján :))))))))))) de persze nem mindegy, merre járod körbe, légy résen, kiscserkész

én őszinte vagyok - anno beszoptam, pár bélyeg után rájöttem, hogy egy lószar, aminek addig képzeltem magam és bár vannak bennem, amik valójában én vagyok, a többség bennem egy előreprogramozott automatikus tudattalan-tudatalatti-tudat géphármas, amely pontosan és egyértelműen leírható matematikai egyenletek sokaságával és pusztán a külső körülmények irányításával, a lény befolyásolható, megváltoztatható, programozható

persze apád sokat papolt erről, én is, de ezt a részét lehet, hogy csak dacból átengedted mindig a füleden, nem tudom

a legnehezebb pont nekem például az volt, hogy beismerjem, hogy ÉN tévedtem, én hittem, én reménykedtem, és igenis tévedtem az elején, és pusztán bizonyos élmények, tudati tapasztalások alapján a buddhizmushoz tudtam akkoriban a legjobban hasonlítani, persze az indián sámánizmus is közel járt, azok módszerei, szimbólumrendszerei is egész kecsegtetőek, de, hogy beismerni, hogy igenis, akkor annyira össze voltam zavarodva és annyira akartam a szabadságot, hogy bevettem, de most már nem

és merek azoknak a szemébe nézni, akik még azóta a 4 éve is ugyanezt csinálják és az egész világgal, mint magammal egyenlőként, megosztom, felvállalom, ahogy látom - ez sem volt könnyű, de egyszer kell, biztos mint embert ölni, aztán már könnyebb - beismerem, tévedtem, de rájöttem, hogy nem ez vagyok, s megosztom - és persze lehet, hogy az a több száz, akik spanolnak velem a neten, amiatt, amiket ahogyan és amiért mondok, ugyanúgy bukják, mint én - én azt leszarom
de anyám, ahogy engem leírt régen, hogy vártam a sült galambot, hogy a számbarepüljön.
én évekig kiröhögtem - persze ő elég sok buddhu, feldmár könyvet elolvasott, amiket hazavittem, tehát nem úgy mondta, hogy a tévébe látta a dalailámát, ahogy a szeretetre szólít fel - mint a PÁPA is mellesleg

de minden ilyent le lehet írni és megbocsátani, nem késő, de persze van akiknek ez már szinte lehetetlen.

mindenképp egy könyvet írok egyszer erről,ha megélem

drogok, megvilágosodás, mint önbecsapás, de nem muszály elolvasnod, főleg, ha ez a levél is hidegen hagy

uff

például, ha ezt elolvasod és azt mondod, tala, gyere, mert elszálltál - akkor neked nem csak az smafu, amit mondok, hanem az is, aki valójában vagyok és akkor meg miafaszért akarsz ennyire ragaszkodni hozzám, mert őszintéskedünk és kényelmes az egónknak?

a csatolt kép az egyetlen valódi, ami a buddhizmusból és a buddhistákból marad mondjuk 200 év után a VALÓSÁG-ban, persze aki vagy ami esetleg feltételezhetően továbbjut, az csak információ, egy pendrájv.(egy csontváz az ímélben)

ez kúl - ezért nagyon nem kattogok már a spirituál agendásokon, csak mert veled összeálltam, igenis mondom, hogy ha velem akarsz lenni, a talanácival(béci is lenácizott, nefelejtsük el), akkor szorri, engem felbasz, hogy egy ilyennel foglalkozol, ilyenbe veszel "menedéket", vagy ha csak azt csinálod és valójában belül meg te nem is, akkor meg az elég skizó.


én nekem módszerem volt a megvilágosodás, buddhizmus, spiritualizmus meghaladására, hogy oké, akkor ha ennyire ez kafa, akkor hogy is csinálták a puccok? a nagyon nagy puccok? a cartoon-szútrák és vadzsra faszomok írásaiban?

buddhu leült és meditált amíg az elméje le nem állt

és akkor nem kell mantra tantra fantra kantra zantra, (víva szar AHA), hanem akkor leülök és fókusz, leállítom az elmém

persze kiröhöghető, hogy azt mondom, hogy a 2 bélyeges infected-es bencével testcserés élmény után(2003.12.13) és az egész consciousness tudat spirált bejárt és a végéig eljutott tapasztalás után én leültem és hetekig néztem a gyertyát és füstölőt először afgán hasissal, majd az elfogyott és ültem tovább és egyszercsak tényleg ki tudtam kaccsolni a faszságaim - csak akkor teljesen leálltam és képtelen voltam alkalmazni magam a fizikai valóságban - gyakorlatilag halál

márpedig nekem az nem volt elég - nos, én akkor és ott, rájöttem, hogy a meditáció elme-maszturbáció.

nekem ez alap - lehet, a hüllők a génjeimbe ezt írták, de az most is menne

leülök és leáll az elme egy idő után - persze te ezt nem próbálod ki, mert gyerek meg munka

de ha tényleg akarnád, ha igazán, valóban, tényleg akarnád, akkor azt ajánlom, rendesen, ezer millió %-al csináld, válj teljesen eggyé vele és egyenlővé, vállald a csoportod, a nézeted, az izmusod, igenis ismerd minden egyes részét

én is próbára tettem, persze lehet mondani, a borulást sem még csak el sem kezdtem, nemhogy befelyeztem, de nekem ezek nem bizonyultak teljesnek, és nem NEKEM, hanem ezek a módszerek magukban nem teljesek, ezen nem vitatkozom.

ha ezer millió százalék meggyőződésed van benne, csináld kérlek mindent beleadva szemernyi kétség nélkül

mert akkor aztán akkor úgyis kiderül, hogy ez sajna(én is sajnáltam ám) nem elég

és az utolsó, a főkedvenc ma(vagyis már holnap aka "ma már máma van már?"
itt a link

buddhism + forgiveness

erre van sok link

de a megbocsátás nem buddhista, inkább csak magába rántotta, sőt a megbocsátás lófasz, még a nemlétező keresztény isten is megbocsát 111.111 miatyánk után -- való--hó-hó-hó-ban? ihi hi hi hi gaaaaaaaa záááááááááán?

nézzük igazán:



(hiszen másnak akármit meg lehet bocsátani, de amit magamnak se tudok, azt úgy sem tudom másnak sem, tehát érdemes magammal kezdeni és utána már másnak nem is kell - tehát csak egyetlen megbocsátás létezhet, az önmegbocsátás.

self forgiveness + buddhism

tehát, nézzük az internetet(ami, sokan mondják, a tudattalan megnyilvánulása - hisz a net fele pornó pl)


tehát - ezeket nézegetve, szemezgetve például - kiderül, hogy lám-lám(-a:) van itt-ott említve - de sehol kagyü, max zen vagy max itt ott arcok buddhizmussal néha összekötik, de a shamarnya istentelen űber putz karmanya

sosem ejt szót róla, se elő-ólle sem, soha, csak a fényen meditálj, kis rovar
pedig ők a GURU a tudatom, az elmém, a szimbólum, a fő vágó

titkolják, ha 111.111.111.111.111-el megvagy, tán kinyögi, s nem én a kiskukimmal mondom egy éve

szóval ez a dolog is csak terelés, SUUU NNY NNY OGÁS

kérlek :)

persze, ez egy folyamat, nekem is kellett idő, míg ezt pl az ős-spanomnak, bence-komának az arcába vágtam, de egyszer kell kiállni a világ elé és onnantól alap

és képesség, mint ajándék magamtól magamnak, hogy ezeken és ezeken a sémákon, mémeken átlátok, az ezeket mondogató handalabandala hindilibindili embereken is e téren könnyedén, hisz ha magamba átölelem őket, mint magam, egy és egyenlő, akkor ez kibukik hamar és látom, hogy ez a lényben még misztikum, ahelyett, hogy teljesen ITT tapasztalható legyen, hogy mik voltak azok a pontok, amik mentén fokozatosan és folyamatosan belementek ebbe az egész végülis nevezhető HITRENDSZERBE, de az már az én történetem, ha egyszer-kétszer kifejezem ezt nekik és ők nem vágják de én AKKORIS akarom, hogy vágják

nos ez nincs már, nem akarom hogy vágd, nincs mit akarnom, mert ha ráerőltetem, akkor az én vagyok, tehát felszólítalak, hogy kérlek, könyörgök, ha velem akarsz lenni, akkor realizáld már a kurva úristenit,

különben én természetesen véget akarok vetni az intim kapcsolatnak - pont emiatt például, hisz az intimitásnak ez például határa

ölel:

Talamon József Berta

(ez ment a blogomra)

Monday, May 2, 2011

Self forgiveness on desire, energy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate my homework of SRA instead of realizing -
if I do not push it as myself - it as myself as one as equal I do not move but the mind constructs move me.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I am possessed by thoughts and I accepted myself as inferior to thoughts.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within thinking by the starting point of 'taking the time within the mind' - instead of
realizing that this is of self-deception this is of self-escaping from who I am here as what I have allowed to manifest as myself.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I do not not apply the tools consistently day by day as myself - I am not living the tools as myself.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I do not submit into temptations of the mind as energy as sexual excitement as energetic waves -
I am subjected to energy and I am of energy - instead of realizing that I participate within energy and within that I am determined as energy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest myself as an energy machine as I am always trying to energize myself by ways what I defined as
making me energetically high - instead of realizing that I manifested a polarity equation within high and low based on definitions of the mind.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I do not stop participate to pictures and sounds by sexual excitement -
then I am defined and influenced and directed by pictures and sounds.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I use sexual excitement as attention diversion from what I am here from what I must walk here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think or believe that my purpose is to strive for sexual excitement.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to woman.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define ass and pussy and tits and face as sexually exciting instead of realizing that these are of
the definitions from the mind - as these are not real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become programmed to seek sexual excitement constantly by stimulating my vision by focusing specific
woman bodies and reacting energetically by feeling the definition and value of what I see for instance a shape of a woman body.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to sex.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to orgasm.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop participating within sexually arousing pictures and videos because simply in moments I do not
stop because I hope that within my understanding that this is self-deception I will unlikely do so - but in fact - who I am and who I define myself as - is of
this sexual arouse definition system within as I participate - I am of this sexual energy system.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider to have sex with another one than my partner who I agreed with to share sexual experiences
with only.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the people who I am with for instance as I am at the office and as men
express their sexual desire - I do the same - even when I am aware of this is of self-deception - instead of standing straight stable within this point as the
practical walk of understanding that realization is when I physically walk the practical stopping within self-deception - regardless of what it is, as for instance
within this case is sexual desire.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the amount of suppressed sexual desire and energy what I build and compound
by accepting specific thoughts and inner reactions for instance watching someone and comparing imagines what I saw in past and defined as sexual and exciting.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire for sex with multiple people because then I would define the sexual excitement as multiplied,
so then it would be more effective within energy participation based on my definitions of sexual excitement what are in fact simply self-made, make-belief systems.
I stop define myself according to sexual desire.
I stop define sexual desire as required.
I stop accepting myself as sexual desire.
I stop desire - if I desire - I must realize - I am not experiencing but I am striving for re-live an energetic experience within participating something what
I've defined as exciting.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I do not move - then my mind move and I am nowhere but of self-definitions.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that participating within such energetic experiences as sexual arouse and excitement is here when
I am not here as myself but of self-definitions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as sexual desire.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being exposed that I compounded sexual energy because I defined it as 'bad'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define sex as something as required otherwise I am not able to release my energetic overcharges what
is the result of costant and continuous participation within thoughts and feelings and emotions,
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I if I am not applying self forgiveness unconditionally when I experience ANY sex-related inner reaction,
then I am compounding a system within and as me.
It is the only way that when I experience that I participate within sexual-inner reaction what is not physical movement as myself as my partner - I MUST apply
self forgiveness immediately as myself as the inner reaction as I am unifying myself here as fully here as I am here stopping myself as desire one and equal.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to compromise myself sexually with the justification of 'many colleagues do the same and they obviously desire after
sex without realizing that they are participating within self-dishonesty and by that I can do the same without they would say to me that I am dishonest.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself simply not stating out my starting point clearly regarding to sexual desire as it is
self-dishonesty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act as self dishonesty would be normal as others do the same.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I do stand out and state out and say who I am according to I am not going to accept desire as myself
within my reality - then I am responsible of what I accept and allow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being judged by my self-defined self-contained sexual desire instead of letting it go simply.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry to myself as I participated again within sexual desire and I was took over by the desire wherein
I was not here as myself but of desire as desire.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being consumed by sexual desire.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from physically react to sexual temptation because then it would make me have an extraordinaly energetic
possession of sexual desire.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define sexual arousement as intense.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to my definition of intensity.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define intensity according to physical experiences.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define intensity through definitions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define intensity as good.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define intensity as preferable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define unimportant what I've definet as not intense.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build up a perceptional shield within my mind to not perceive what I've defined as not intense.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define important only what I defined as intense.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from experience my reality as too intense.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to intensity.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within my participation of the polarity manifestation of intense and not intense - I am of definitions.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I might defined points within me as not intense as irrelevant instead of realizing that all of myself
are equal and one as myself - the moment is here and if I define a moment as not important as I've defined moments according to intensity - then I am not able
to experience moment as reality but as of definitions according to my perceived and self-created dimension of intensity.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to provoke being moved by moments what I've defined as intense.
I forgive myself that I Have not allowed myself to take self responsibility by realizing that if I am leaving even one 'gate opened' within my mind - I am not able to
remain here as there will be gates where I will still accept self dishonesty.

For instance when I am realizing that I participate within sexual energy and desire - then I let it go and I do say, I am here focusing on stopping participation within
desire - but then if I still accept thoughts according to other things than sexual desire - - then I can not be sure that the same starting point of self-dishonesty
is effectively being stopped - because I change only the picture within my mind - but the energetic, polarity-based participation in fact is the same.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I do accept sexual desire within me then I will accept sexual desire within my surroundings also.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to consider my starting point and actions based on what is best for all.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I do consider my starting point based on my self-interest - I am not able to grasp the starting point of what is best
for all.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that understanding process and the necessity of Equal Money System is not enough - I actually must become the act as the
manifestation - otherwise I am not one and equal within my deeds and my words written and speaken.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to practically develop and discipline myself to be able to remain here consistent without participate within backchat.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to backchat.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to stop backchat within myself at the begining instead of realizing that I must breath and remain here and experience
Physical constantly as myself and if something would try to get my attention within myself from the definition of the past - then I stop, breathe, I am here, I release.

If I experience back chat, if I experience thinking, if I experience this energetic participation within my head - I physically breathe, I let it go - I forgive, I stop.
If I experience an inner reaction towards somebody's words - for instance thinking that I should 'answer' to somebody that 'something' - then I should realize
- this is of self-definition and I should remain silent instead of speaking the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize when I am not here but as of energetic experience of being continuously driven by thoughts.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to apply the tools every day regardless of my energetic experience - simply I forgive myself that I have accepted
to participate within thinking.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as tired if I do not participate within thoughts for a time.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within thoughts and then defining myself as tired because of participating within thoughts.


Okay, from the beginning, specifically related to family and early watched movies.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define sexual desire as attention divertion from 'I am here within fear'


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from facing my fear,
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to escape from experience fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am alone within this process within this existence.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from losing myself within this existence as I defined myself less than existence.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear experience myself as less than existence.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from experiencing myself as less than existence.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself as less than existence.
I am one and equal as existence as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from experiencing existence as myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from experiencing existence because then I would lose myself within the experience of existence -
instead of realizing that I am one and equal with and as existence - if I am one and equal as fear as existence - I am separated from myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move according to fear or move according to avoiding fear.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that what I fear of - is also myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from losing myself instead of realizing that who I am really - I can not lose.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I am breathing here as within awareness as I am here as the physical - then I am not of fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define sex as a diversion attention from fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to fear from fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself according to avoiding confrontation with my fear.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I think - I fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think to equate the energetic charge of my fear.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize - that if I think something about - it is within and as the words what I fear of.
I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to use fear as an excuse from not stopping participate within fear.
I forgive myself that I have accpeted and allowed myself to conceal the fact that I fear by for instance smiling, because if I act as smiling - probably no one would
note that I fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others when I see them as they fear - instead of realizing that my judgment towards others according
to fear - is judgment towards myself.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within judging others - I am exposing myself as self-dishonesty - so within that - I can realize my
self dishonesty.
I am here as breath as act as physical movement within the interest of what is best for all.
I do not accept myself not moving because of fear - I stand up to fear as one as equal - I walk through fear by writing and self forgiveness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from facing the consequences of my deeds - instead of realizing that it is inevitable.



Some direct experiences

When my mother was having sex with a guy and I was listening in an other room and I felt excited and I could not sleep because I felt like I was falling into
eternity what made me feel like I was falling out from myself and I defined this undefined as fearful and avoidable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from experience reality as myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from experiencing my human physical body physically.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define experiencing physical as too intense.
I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to define something as too intense what I would not prefer to experience as I defined it as I can not handle it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not being able to handle an experience because I can not predefine everything so it is unknowno.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define unknown as fearful.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define unknown as avoidable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define unknown as fearful.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define acting physically as unknown and fearful.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define thinking as preferable according to acting because apparently thinking is not as fearful as acting
instead of realizing that by thinking I am already in fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define specific experiences as arousing according to my definitions of what is arousing of what I've defined
as attention divertion from myself here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about a colleague who I've defined as sexually arousing - instead of realizing that I am reacting to
my own definitions and she is not at all responsible for what I experience according to her as arousing.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that many times I participate within sexual desire when I've defined myself as I am tired or I am bored.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define entertainment as required when I do not want to face myself.

to be continued