Saturday, May 17, 2014

[JTL 176] Correcting speaking awkwardly

Continuing with two point directly: fear of not speaking up, fear of speaking awkwardly.

At moments when I did not speak up but I wanted to - not even 'up' but just speak out what I had in my mind - so then I was damned to circle the thing in my mind for a long time - instead of directly saying how I see and sparing the turmoil and self-judgement of not speaking up.

Many angle was around here - fear of mistake, fear of not being able to express myself, fear of being judged, fear of being awkward. As a kid I was introverted and lonely - I had a vivid, fast mind yet I could not express myself, I had lot of ideas, insights but when tried to express, I was not experienced how to speak and it was influenced by fear, which to I've focused and made myself awkward within my expression and then by these memories I've defined myself as awkward, not good with speaking, people.

At moments when I feel myself awkward and unsure - this is rare, but occurs sometimes and for a moment if I wonder: I miss a moment here.
It is of comparison, validating how I am based on judgement, jealousy, fear. Let's walk it with Self-forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not speak up within fear of loss, fear of change, fear of consequence and not realizing that what it is exactly I fear from because then I would see what would mean directly what to walk through it practically and within that realizing that the fear I use to cover the fear of change, fear of losing who I've defined myself to be and fear from unknown and in the moment of specifically realizing all details here - it is not fear anymore but an opportunity to step through my limitation as self-direction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry from what others would react to if I speak up exactly what I suppress and judging that based on another judgement which not seeing through and fear of being rejected or being rude or being alone because of not playing the nice guy anymore which is a layer to hide behind from others and myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I am nice within expression and not speaking up points what I've defined as not nice based on memories and preconceptions without questioning these when I face them or giving my mind permission to use these as stimulate/influence/direct me.

I forgive myself that I did not let go the memories, preconceptions which are not facts and not realizing that facts do not have to be thought all the time, kept in my mind so all I think is opinion, energetic occupation to not be here, embrace reality and directly participate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I was a quiet boy who was introverted and did not practice speaking enough and others were apparently more fluid within speaking and if I've defined my words being spoken out as not perfect and rhetorical then I am bad with speaking and then defining myself that way and whenever I speak, thinking that I am speaking badly, ugly, defining myself as speaking as a peasant because using simple phrases and because focusing to these judgements, these reactions, the memories of moments I've had difficulties to speak up and stumbled within speaking, instead of focusing to the actual speaking I do and because of that fear, reaction, energies I focus: manifesting stumbling again and again and again and not realizing that the solution is to let go all past and speak here and accumulate practice and trust here and realize - if I am speaking here - I focus to what I speak, how I speak and then I am changing, learning, expanding and in fact speaking effectively here.

I forgive myself that I have validated my not speaking up to others because of judging them as bad, negative, stupid, bastard, dumb ass, ugly, evil, slow-minded and fearing that if I would say this out to them they would retaliate me or not like me and within that not realizing that there is the original worry of not being liked, loved by myself and then wanting others to like and love me because then I would judge myself being myself as exactly what I judged others to and then fearing from remaining who I've defined myself to be and not realizing that the solution is to let go these judgements and realize that why I need to be liked and loved by others and what is the reason of having the idea of not loving myself and then seeing that how I doubt and fear myself is because I had no idea what is real, practical love and within that realizing that I have no idea who I really am and why and what I am doing and in that realizing the solution is to slow down within and stop first to see all this through within self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I did block my direct expression because of the fear of being angry, frustrated within my voice, expression because this is what I've accepted myself to be within, thus filtering it, 'civilizing myself' and limiting myself not daring to raise my voice even when it is required, even when it could be natural self-expression so by that giving permission to automatically not being able to express myself directly based on fear, fear of judgement by myself projected to others.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the practical solution to stop existing within frustration, anger and letting go the relationship within myself by definitions, worry, fear and purifying myself word by word and thus giving myself the opportunity to use my voice directly as myself as sound expression as life word by word equal as one as myself here.

I see, realize, understand that all what I was worried about and memorized as fear from failure is in the past, I am in a different scenario, I directly approach, express and learn and if required immediately stop, see/realize/understand and forgive myself and engage and change.

When and as I see I have uncertainty or worry about speaking up - I question within me - is this really me, is this automatic, is this from silence and direct? - and if yes, I express myself, I trust myself and I focus to expressing myself here, I am here physically, voicing myself with breath, sound, body within clarity. If I see it is of fear, worry what I see within - I stop, I breathe I realize I am not my memory, I am physical, I am sound, I am movement here and I focus to how to speak properly breath by breath.

When and as I worry of not speaking up, I see what I fear of losing and then I decide to let it go and I trust myself within deciding of speaking up or not and if yes then I speak, if not, I remain silent within and without.
If I fear losing something by not speaking up - I create separation, friction, energy which then I give permission to possess me as thoughts, feelings, emotions so instead of that I simply stop myself for a moment and I speak or let the moment go and remain here.

When and as I worry of not being able to speak properly or appropriately - I see what is the judgement, the comparison, the jealousy what I defined myself as inferior based on fear and I see practically what I want to express and how to do it and I do it and I express myself here.

When and as I worry of not speaking properly I stop comparing myself and I give myself the opportunity to enjoy myself expressing, learning, expanding and applying my direction within speaking here.

When and as I worry of not speaking properly - I check the reaction - I question the reaction, the thought - is it valid, relevant, is something what can be used for perfecting myself for instance worry of speaking loud enough or too loud and then adjusting it or if fear of not speaking the words properly then I direct myself to focus to speak the words properly but if there is emotion, worry, fear - I stop it, I see it's origin and I hear it, I open myself to consider all who I am and not accept any fear and expressing myself here.

I commit myself to let go all fear from not speaking up by considering what I want to speak when and see is it direct self-expression as not from thought, fear, worry, emotion and if not then I speak it and trust myself, and if it is from thought, worry, fear, then I stop myself and let it go and see what it comes from and I am stopping that as well within myself - this I develop as who I am naturally until I am here as consistency, clarity within when to speak and when not to speak and how to speak and what to speak.

I commit myself to let go all past based on worry and fear from speaking, it's consequence and I allow myself to enjoy expressing my voice here.

I commit myself to purify and re-align all words within myself as life, as direct physical self-expression as the voice, the sound, the act, the physical action within equality and oneness with all what is here as myself.

I commit myself to slow down within when I speak and realize that for being able to speak here within clarity, I do not need to move fast in my mind - that only pulls my attention from here, where is the body with and as what I speak and realizing that when my mind is not aligned with my physical body here, it is fear so I slow down, I breathe, I realize the fear I've accepted to give into and I stop, realign, act immediately.

Recently was a very cool hangout showing up how Self-forgiveness can assist and support one within facing self-limitation:

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