[JTL 180-181] Friendship, self-interest, idea of self: STOP

Exploring freedom in terms of friends and self-interest

How I've defined friends and related to freedom.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define who are my friends as my free choice and not questioning exactly why the people who I've defined as friends are in my life and realize that it was not of free choice but self-acceptance in relation to already self-accepted relationships with values and judgements and definitions.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the meaning of friends as having common values, interests and be good with each other is the surface only of facts, interests and dynamics amond the minds of friends.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the value I've given to the judgements and responses and reactions coming from those who I've defined as my friends and building a polarity within my responses according to how much I've defined the person as my friend thus changing myself who I am according to this definition and value of friendship.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within finding and accepting friendships I've formed relationship within my mind with words based on perceptions and judgements towards the persons as projections and thus not seeing directly them who they really are but of my value systems and my definitions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define freedom as forming friendship and loosing friendship and even breaking friendship and not realizing that the very relationship of friendship is not self-directed within me but automatic, reactive and based on self-acceptance by feelings, reactions, thoughts, emotions I've experienced with these particular people thus forming relationship with these reactions within me and linking those to the people who I've defined as friends and building who I am and how I behave when being with them or considering them in my mind how they would react to something I would do or say even when they are not here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry to not express myself freely with the ones who I've defined as friends and even with those who define me as friends because what I've defined as friendship is kindness and positive feelings, reactions, thoughts and thus when the opposite would come up in relation to friends such as not kindness, not positive reactions, feelings, thoughts, not expressing those directly to them to prevent them feel bad, to prevent them feel me as not kind, negative with them within the fear of being judged and disregarded as then they would not define me as friends.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the idea of friendship, the relationship with reactions within me with those who I've defined as friends and prioritizing this inner relationship projected to persons as more important than express myself regarless of anyone, worrying to lose the status of friendship and not even questioning it and seeing directly what are the values I am holding onto instead of being free of fear from losing something what is entirelly self-created, inner experience only.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be able to exist within this world without relationships formed in my mind towards other beings because then I would define myself as alone, lonely, lost, weak and uncertain and by seeing this not wanting to directly see these self-dishonesties within me to be able to question why in the first place I am accepting such automatic self-definitions and fear and giving permission to have these reactions instead of understanding how I've created it, how I am participating within it and how I can stop it and be here, simply, directly, physically without any need for relationship within my mind projected towards others which is in fact the very act of separation from all what is here including myself as well.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize the need for wanting to define an image and picture presentation to certain friends to stimulate them to react towards me in a way what I defined as reason for the friendship but not wanting to see it because then I would directly and immediately see, always and any time, anywhere the fact that all friendship I participate within is self-interest and I've never considered to re-define the word friendship to be best for all participants, meaning to not accept anything less then who I am and who the other being is and committing myself to stand up and even express my realization on how exactly the self-dishonesty is being played out within myself or within the other but always ensuring the priority to check my reaction first, to stop myself first, to forgive and change myself first to stand what is here equally as one and if I am clear and being able to cross-reference what I experience with the friend and ensuring I've already walked that point and seeing it how I've walked that and being able to support with assistance stepping forward and provide the possible support for not accepting self-dishonesty and how practically walk through such limitation.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within being absolute self-honest with myself and direct here and express that towards anyone and having doubts, suppressions, second thoughts and linking that to others is self-dishonesty as it is not about the other person but myself here which I should immediately stop, understand, forgive and change myself to prevent it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry and fear from losing friendship with anyone by expressing who I am and what I see and what I represent and what I do and stand for and realizing that the value I've given into the definition of friendship is the very act of self-separation from who I am or who I can be here projected out to other persons to ensure the point of external dependency, blame and insecurity to not need to face the very starting point of worry and fear I've accepted to manifest within myself as fear of loss, fear of change, fear of consequence, fear of self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define people as friends who are friendly with me, meaning being kind with me, being open with me, being supportive with me and wanting friendship automatically as a cheesy, gloomy good feeling and some sort of bond which is not based on logic, practicality or even common sense but energetic experiences, intuition and self-interest even when not being exactly aware of the starting point of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a worry, an energetic uncertainty overwhelming within me when somebody wants to be my friend and wants to define our relationship as friendship meanwhile I do not really want it and I'd rather not spend that much time with the person because of my priorities and limited time but not wanting to be rude or raw or blunt, not wanting to hurt and cause bad feelings or disappointment and I play along with the friendship and try to bring out something useful or supportive from this relationship at least because without defined value within relationship I do not see any point to continue, especially when considering that my priorities should not and in fact are not based on feelings, reactions, definitions thus not directing myself to be specitic and directive and based on the worry I am manifesting exactly what I've worried from: not being able to focus and do my priorities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define friendship as something I have to maintain and keep up and basically feed from time to time by meeting or interacting or communicating otherwise it would fade away as there would not be something concrete to react to or define friendship by and worrying of not being good friend when not caring with the friendship, meaning taking time to keep up the reactions and the very starting point of the self-created, self-defined friendship instead of realizing the fear of loss means I am already lost it, I only grasp in my mind which is not real thus I let it go, I let friendship, definition of friendship, definition of values of friendship let go, from all, one by one and all as equal at the same time and I commit myself to consider that if I am changing myself with somebody then who I am is not consistent, I am changing based on the relationship I participate in my mind thus I commit myself the common sense of stop defining, stop fear of loss, stop the act based on definitions and consider and act what is best for all participants within self-honesty.

I use imagination practically to expose my definitions and fears:

• What comes up in my mind as the depiction of Gandhi or Mandela or Martin Luther King or Leonardo da Vinci as they would worry about priorities among friendship and their priorities what wanting to do in their lives and then the reaction is that friendship is irrelevant, obstacle, distraction.
• I image a king sitting on his throne and people are approaching him with issues about the kingdom and at one point he stops the flow and says - now everybody let me be, I now focus to my friends, these are important to me, special and more priority to me than everybody else, please understand.
• I image a military general and there is invasion and he is responsible to protect the country - and he has to choose that he is focusing to saving his own family by spending time to come out a plan and use resources to make them escape - or he is focusing to stop the first line of attack meanwhile he can not focus to what will happen with his family and he has to choose which is more important.
• And then I image a priest, or a buddhist monk sitting in a monastery and once considering he wants to have special feelings towards somebody - which into wants to take refugee and define as priority.
• I imagine the 'Last temptation of Christ' movie wherein when Jesus is on the cross and suffering before death and the last temptation he has to face and transcend is when Lucifer(or whatever devilish aspect of him) is casting a spell wherein he is saved, he has wife, children and becoming old after a happy life and in his deathbed when his death coming he rembembers that 'it is not cool that I focused to my happiness' and then he says 'Noooooooooooooooooo' and then he wakes up dieing on the cross and feeling cool that 'yes, I am willing to die in order to 'be the savior for the world' - (haha this is a weird stuff, it was an interesting movie with very cool music)
• Or even I image an existence wherein there is a god who is all seeing and all hearing and once decides to not hear all and see all, only something, what is a part of the whole which is more important to care about.

So these are part of the self-definition, the personality, symbols, desires, the characters I've defined myself to perceive myself who I am or who I want to see myself to be, based on the already-defined 'who I am'.

This in fact comes up not just about 'friendship' but apparently whatever I find as enjoyable and seeing into it and realizing it is of self-interest and then becoming obsessed with letting it all go and then going into the extreme - without really considering what would practically mean to live according to what is best for all - including myself.

There is the point of Self-honesty which is not just to balance out the 'me enjoying' and 'doing all my best for all' - because even within 'I did my best' I see the fact that not the utmost potential was done.

So this is a point what comes up when engaging with a partner also - same as with relationship - until it's not defined and not becoming overwhelming and priority and something to be desired it is alright.

When I see that this day I did all I could do for accumulating what is best for me and for all - if I define myself as 'I did my best' - it is not self-honesty.

If I see what can be perfected HERE that is direct - it is not about 'my best' - it is not about 'me' - but every participants equally. And how practically, physically, every day live my life not balance out personal living and taking responsibility for all what is here within equality and oneness.

As I see within the currently accepted 'norm' within human 'civilization', friendship, relationship, love are merely self-interest, occupation for the fallen slaves - there is no such thing as beauty what I see here on earth - only systems, programs, layer upon layers doing their purpose what has been pre-programmed to act out without awareness, without responsibility for all what is here.

To even try to grasp, consider to take responsibility for self here and for all what is here within equality seems too vague, too crazy, too delusional which I see as excuse and justification to not see what we are responsible accepting and allowing to accumulate every day.

Also to see when I move within the mind when I jump from one extreme polarity to an other meanwhile within my physical action, real practical change I do not manifest - and to reckognise and understand the reasons for not really transcending these patterns.

And to allow the gift of self-honesty to realize what is the most practical way to work with these self-delusions, self-limitations step by step, not making the process to 'spiritual', 'superficial', 'impossible' and not be able to measure the accumulating towards real solution which is mathematically provable as best for all.

I see, realize, understand that writing all down, slowing down within and using the tool of becoming aware of the self-accepted relationship with words through applying self-forgiveness, self-correction, self-commitment and to write, say, act the same is the most supportive thus this is what I accumulate.

So this is what can be supportive to not fear and judge the word 'friend' and it's definition but to see how it can be re-defined to support living in self-honesty.

I will continue to decompose and work with these points in the next post and in the meantime I apply self-forgiveness to already support myself to practically stop and slow down in terms of fears coming up about the word 'friend', 'friendship'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into worry and fear about the word 'friendship' and 'friend' and try to mistify, fog the experiences about friendship and jump around polarities within my mind to avoid stand up to all duality of 'friendship is bullshit, avoidable' and 'I should care about friendship' instead of stand within unification and act each day the same consistant self-expression regardless of anyone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself with definitions and feelings about friends, friendship and feel bad about not caring about friends and avoid them and refuse them when I see priorities are more important and not communicating what I do why I do and what is my priority and meanwhile fearing from 'failing' friendship and from 'being judged' as 'not good friend' and thus manifesting friction within me and then not focusing to the solution for this attitude, but focusing to the self-created experience of friction, instability and virtual movement around polarities of the mind.

I forgive myself to imagine situations, characters, persons who I've defined as examples for being responsible for all and trying to compare myself towards them and judge myself as not acting the same as I've defined them acting so and generating friction by comparison, jealousy, doubt which with fueling personalities within me to act something out which is not self-expression, self-honesty, self-direction but of fear, of energy thus not stable, consistent and then defining myself as doing it and not doing it and never considering stopping, stopping participating within this and committing myself to practically prevent doubt, fear, jealousy, comparison, judgement one by one, breath by breath and write all down to the utmost specificity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the fear from being self-interested and wanting to be all-interested and not realizing using the pattern of 'self-sacrifice' which then defining as difficult and thus generating friction and manifesting energies, instability, polarity instead of decomposing all parts of self-interest, all ideas of a separate self, all image and likenesses of who I am or who I want to become and realize that I can live directly here physically and whatever comes up stopping me doing so I can write, forgive, stop.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define freedom as not having friends, not needing friends, not having individuals as specials and being able to handle and see and act towards all equally based on images, definitions, memories, stories, characters and then comparing myself towards these and react and fear and not realizing that who I really am I can not know until I let everything go and explore who I am undefined - and to really know myself is only possible by allowing myself to live freely of definitions, freely from fear, freely from any idea of freedom and realizing I am in an existence being shared with all equally and real freedom is always relate and see this interconnectedness with all here within each moment.

I commit myself to stop myself eating up about friendship and reacting to how I act or not act according to definitions of friendship and I decide to stop reacting but using common sense, trust myself and decide and communicate clearly.

I commit myself if people expect things from me, preventing myself to go fear of being judged, fear of loss (of friendship) by understanding that it is an idea in the mind based on judgements, so I let all go, I use common sense and I trust myself to act according to what I currently self-honestly see as best for me and for all equally.

I commit myself to stop fear from falling into reactions about fear - and I stop and re-align myself whenever I see I am participating within definition of friendship and judgement and expectation and fear - each time I stop participate, I commit myself to let it go and live freely of these limits.