[JTL Day 223] Decomposing Fear of Pain

Eclipse 2015 March

I continue with the personality decomposition from my last post:

• [JTL Day 222] Decomposing Personality of Fear

The point from where I continue is the state when I feel uncomfortable, pain. Recently I had a taste of it, almost all day I had a headache. I rarely have headaches, but when I do, I experience myself quite differently, mostly notable that my 'sphere of awareness' is extremely reduced, which itself makes me react already like a 'caged animal', because I got used to the experience of actively and passively noticing things around me, which gives the 'feel' of I can have options, not just 'sliding through an experience-tube' by constantly reacting things without seeing ahead.
So it's a wakefulness, a sort of alertness I 'normally' 'have'/'do', which as I see, has a part of personality and has a part of natural self-expression, which if I 'lose', I am less 'comfortable' already and the reason I write about it here is exactly the decomposition and self-honest realization of need for correction, re-alignment as it's based on fear, separation, self-interest.

I do not feel comfortable while being defined, automatically boxed into states/reactions, even if it's coming from within, because it's not practical - the moment is always blooming absolutely uniquely within each breath, so by self-automation I actually compromise myself based on a self-definition, a conviction, an idea or a fear, which the more I accepted in the past, the more I allow to be part of me without questioning, without being able to see/realize/understand it/me and be able to stop, change.

So as I wrote about energy, seriousness and personality, fear - here I add another word-dimension: PAIN.

When I do experience pain, I have the tendency to become much less open, present and my personality gets a goal to ensure to minimize and stop the pain to be able to return to the state of wakefulness.

But what are the points behind my personalities what has been defined/formed and shaped who I am today according to pain?

I walk Self-forgiveness to explore the self-definitions I've accepted to consist of to see what I have to understand/stop and change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my goal, reason and purpose to stop and avoid experiencing pain, because defining that pain is bad, pain is changing me, pain is ruining me, pain is destroying me by defining that it takes all my attention, energy to itself, feeling like demanding all my beingness to give into which I do not want to because feeling like losing myself, my time, my resources, my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny the fact that when I experience pain, that it means something, when my human physical body experiences pain, it means a problem, which means requires attention and solution.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I can apply common sense to ask myself what is my pain actually means and why I experience it, what would be the common sense to do in order to assist/support myself when experiencing physical pain to heal/recover.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that it is completely up to me to define and act upon fear of who I am and what I am going to do and even when I am in pain - I am still here and my actions still have consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define pain as something to be feared, avoided in all cost, even if it means to realize/expose something self-dishonest/delusional because of the fear of loss, fear of unknown, fear of fear.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to acknowledge that I fear from pain because of fear of change, because fearing that if I would have pain, I would have remain within pain and within the experience of pain I am accepting and allowing myself to be reactive, self-interested, the opposite of aware and being able to consider my environment, others, which is not necessary, just it is how I've accepted and allowed myself to define as a protection mechanism personality manifestation in case of pain and fear of pain, which I can open up, understand, stop and change within consideration of myself, solution and others as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that within the experience of pain I would do something reckless, irresponsible to myself or to others what I would regret when the consequence could not be changed once I did it, therefore within the experience of pain I try to close down and suppress myself as much as possible to avoid harm and within that becoming afraid of acting irresponsibly which then I would use to fuel to be able to close myself down more and not realizing that by this the more I become automatic, reactive and in fact be able to take responsibility for myself and my surroundings and in fact be able to apply the common sense for actual solution to stop the pain and also to prevent it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately program myself, my personality, my reactions, my physical beingness to automatically choose to avoid pain, even when the pain is not great, long and rather choosing avoiding it than choosing common sense, which does not mean to abuse my human physical body, but for instance when necessary to work hard and it's consequence would be some pain to refuse it within the fear of pain and it's consequence without awareness, without consideration or common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give permission to my mind, my thoughts, feelings, emotions to always have right when it comes about to avoid pain, avoid situation of possibility for pain, and justify it with the reason of 'I should not feel pain and it is who I am'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically exclude others from my consideration when I experience pain with the justification of 'I have the right to disregard everything else but my pain and my reaction/strategy to apply for this pain' without any awareness of consequence and ability to apply common sense, overwritten by the self-automation I've defined who I am in reaction to fear.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I can remain here, present, self- and life-aware, within consideration of myself and others, consequences and manifestations even during the experience of pain, just first I should understand, decompose and stop my current personality definitions according to reactions to pain and fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define pain as something within I lose myself, within what I do not feel myself, I can't experience myself but the pain itself and not realizing that within that moment what I automated myself to do is self-separation, trying to exclude myself from the pain, the experience by creating polarity in my mind, energetic experiences and within that not seeing that in fact I separate myself from myself and within that split I lose directive principle with/on/as myself and that losing I am completely aware of and that I feel like losing myself which I do not want and never realizing the common sense to embrace myself, embrace the pain.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I fear being changed by pain then I am manifested in a way that in case of pain I will change and within fearing to lose myself who I am in regards to pain actually I manifest the experience of losing the self-definition about who I am in pain and all the while I am not fully myself but who I defined myself according to pain which was not real therefore who I act as in the meantime is also not who I really am but according to the fear and self-definition about pain, which is completely my creation.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that according to the avoidance of pain, the fear of pain I've created myself and my starting point, my personality, my reactions, my actions only within the consideration of my own interest, which I believed who I am and not realizing that I actually am existing also within the rest as well just I've accepted and allowed myself to be completely occupied with my experience, my personality about to avoid and prevent my pain in the fear of losing who I am and not seeing/realizing/understanding that within the reaction to fear I am manifesting the actual losing myself.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that when I activate a personality within my mind to tell me how to behave, how to react, how to feel, how to act, I fear of pain, fear of losing myself within pain, and not realizing that within focusing to this experience and physical reaction to fear I create what I participate within, thus strengthening this fear, fear of pain, fear of fear to such extent that there is no other reason exists but to justify to avoid the fear and pain, even if it's not real, not related to the current scenario I am within.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to become aware of the thought/feeling/emotion process of convicting myself about how I react to fear, to pain and believing that I can't directly feel, experience, be this pain but needing to define/relate to/think/feel/have emotion about in order to process/to deal with because if I would absolutely and totally embrace it as this is who I am in this moment, I believed that I would lose myself or I would change to such an extent that I would again: lose myself and not realizing that what I can lose might not be me at all and within that who I perceive, think, define myself to be according to fear, pain, experiences, situations is not really who I am but what I created in order to deal with myself/what is here.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to actually question and explore, realize and understand the origin of pain within my human physical body and my relationship to it.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see/realize/understand that how and when I abuse and exploit my own human physical body as life-source with the process of mind-activities and within that taking responsibility to stop the abuse of fueling mind consciousness systems within myself with the fear and my automatic reactions to fear.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that any resistance to face any fear is also a layer of self-definition of fear and it creates conflict within me which means energy, polarity, friction toward something I accepted and allowed myself to exist within relationship through and as consciousness systems based on words manifested as thoughts, feelings, emotions, memories, images and never realizing that what I resist persists and the more I try to separate it from me here, the more I manifest it in and as this physical existence within the perception of separation but in fact I am always one and equal with all what is here as creator, creation and created within equality and oneness.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that to accept and allow systems within me separated from me being directly here is based on resistance, fear, which is of friction, conflict and the only way to take responsibility and become the directive principle of all who I am within and as existence is unification, embracing all who I am existing as today and stop participating within what is self-dishonest, based on fear, self-interest unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize the practicality and common sense, effectiveness and directness of the writing/sounding/acting self-forgiveness in relation to all self-accepted relationships I exist and consist of to recognize all patterns of what is not self-honest, what is not supporting all life and simply stop participating one by one until I am free of any fear, any need of separation, any systems of self-definitions, any mind-participation.

I forgive myself that I have never realized that the process of application of self-forgiveness is the process of finding and expanding, manifesting and expressing unconditional self-trust, self-direction and self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see/realize/understand that within the experience of pain I've allowed myself to be defined as the victim, prey, that I can't do anything about it so the best strategy against it is to prevent pain at all cost, even if it means to act upon this prevention at all cost, meaning only considering my interest of this prevention of pain.
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I commit myself to stop participate within any resistance toward pain, to accept any justification and excuse for why not to face what I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest, become in order to realize/see/understand the utmost responsibility I have within embracing, stopping, changing all what is here which is not as Life as who I am as equal as one.

I commit myself to see/realize/understand in every aspect of my breathing life that there is not a single consequence I can escape from in this existence thus the common sense is to face/embrace/unify myself with all what is here as who I am and stop the mind of thoughts/feelings/emotions of self-dishonesty breath by breath within the accumulation of walking the Process of Application of Self-Forgiveness.

I commit myself to decompose all aspects of my manifested behavior which entails, contains, tainted, stimulated, influenced by fear of pain and realize that the fear from changing by facing, experiencing, embracing pain is futile within the fact that the more I separate myself from what I have allowed here in and as the physical, the more I lose directive principle thus unable to take responsibility to stop and change as myself as equal as one, therefore I commit myself to stop running and hiding from fear and within that from pain as realizing that who I am should not be defined or influenced by any fear therefore if I see it within me moving, reacting, I investigate, understand, forgive and stop myself as this self-definition, as this reaction until there is nothing here only the "I am here".

When and as I see a responsibility but I resist it because of any fear or pain, not seeing any gain or not feeling any energy by it - I motivate myself as decision, self-will, act as self-direction without any need for stimulation, gain or fear from lose, based on principled living of what is best for all with practical common sense.

When and as I fear from changing by experiencing pain, I become aware of the pattern what I used to use for avoiding the pain and becoming the personality for avoiding this pain and realizing what is the starting point of this fear, who I am as it's source and what I must be done in order to prevent further pain to cause.

When and as I experience pain, I realize that as I move toward my center of my being and excluding my reality, others - it is a pattern what I've developed by time and the same way I can decompose, stop it and become practical instead of reactive, open and directive instead of closed and reactive by acting immediately with self-trust, self-movement.

When and as I resist losing something within risking, I apply common sense and stop using the excuse of 'not wanting to be reckless and irresponsible' in order to justify fear of pain and fear of fear and trust myself to find my limits and walk through them breath by breath.

When and as I see that I am not trusting myself unconditionally, I stop and I re-align and forgive myself about everything I have in my mind and realize that all is excuse for accepting self-limitation instead of living self-direction so within that I write, sound, apply self-forgiveness unconditionally.

When and as I see that I face timelooping within facing/stopping/changing a pattern which does not support me, I ask for support, not allowing myself to get possessed by the idea of 'I must have to fight this', 'I am handling it', 'I got this' as realizing it is not about myself and within that realizing that within DesteniIProcess course and the group I can express my points to get support without any fear of judgement or separation and within that to realize that when I am able to assist and support others, it is myself who I give support to and assist to within the practical application of walking through self-separation, self-dishonest self-interest and thus re-writing, re-aligning, re-educating, re-birthing myself as life as equality and oneness in and as this human physical body.

[JTL Day 222] Decomposing Personality of Fear

I continue with Personality. Previously I've opened up points  of

• [JTL Day 221] Energy and Seriousness

Which means that there is this point of seriousness when feeling energy accumulated in my mind, a certain personality activates.

A personality is a pattern for who I think and believe I must behave and it has patterns, conditions, definitions and of course limitations.

Recently I was quite aware of one of my most apparently 'powerful' personalities, what I call as 'The Stoic'. It's not really 'powerful', but when I am being possessed with it, it gives that false feel of power, which then I use to shield myself and still become effective and very punctual - well, in fact quite blunt and ruthless sometimes.

I always wondered about this aspect of my mind and I believed that I learned from my grandpa, who had jail time and he was quite a gangster in his time as he had to live in a time where was revolution, street gangs, and he was a good fighter, but this is just information - I did not have to fight much myself.

My father was border-guard in the communist era and I always could understand the military mind and in a certain way this personality can be quite effective in war, because there is like a feel of my inner space and emptiness shrinks and there is this specific frequency of fire within which drives me to play out everything externally - mostly to focus on others, always finding their 'weak spot' and engage, expose and utilize in order to reach/get what I want, which also comes from inside quite automatically.

The most interesting point within this is that I deliberately go into personality, there is mostly a thought pattern before, but sometimes no - and then there is a reaction, an emotion and then when I go into this 'mindset' - to have this feeling of force, power, which fuels me, and I 'ride'.

It's always about a certain reason - and if I can decide that I stop this personality - or change to an other, then it's simple, immediate, which is kind of weird experience, but it's part of who I have become according to the self-acceptance of fear, because it is built on that in it's essence.

What exposes this personality that I am not fully myself is the tension, the drive, the lack of inner experience of infinity of silence, emptiness.

Instead I am constantly in movement, there is no pain, fear showed and it's pretty easy to make others react, who has also fear or reactions and from that moment it's about 'them' and as people go into the 'game' - I ride that and it's weird but once I go into the 'win' point - it's like running upwards a hill and once I ran up, I want to run further and there is no more, I am on the top but I still want to get higher and there is no way and it's like an engine is just running and it's no need for it - then I can have a weird moment of 'What the fuck I do' and I can settle down, because I realize I do not need to fear.

Recently I was asked to stop this because it was not cool and I was immediately able to stop because it was clear that I do not need for this personality, especially that there was no need to either find weak spots, prove my point or even protect myself - and within that moment I realized the ridiculousness of this personality and how long I've created, participated it.

I have several personalities, but I've given to this one the most permission to activate and become, because it seems effective and powerful, apparently can protect my 'mini-me', but it's not direct 'relationship' with reality, it's coming through my limited mind-set, it is conditioned and in fact at certain points it's not effective and what I really lose by becoming this 'stoic, skeptic, bitter, critique' is the humbleness and equality.

The humbleness and humility - towards life and others as me as equals - and I was able to justify that with this personality that I can support others to expose their self-dishonesty, even if it means it's raw, crude, unpleasant, but as it's a pattern, it's limited, I am automated, same as with drugs - gives the ride but not me directing within utmost specificity and awareness, but patterns of manifested consequences, self-definitions, thoughts, feelings, emotions.

As I walk the Journey to Life Process of writing, sounding, applying Self-forgiveness, I accumulate the ability to stop myself and step back and see how it is based on what fear and by that realization becoming able to decompose the patterns which constitute into building up and automatically becoming mind-personalities.

The false sense of 'power' comes from the personality by skipping the moment of being conscious about fear, being actually aware of how I create the fear experience with which I sabotage my ability to apply the most direct solution.

It's interesting to see that schizophrenic people are being judged as 'bat shit crazy nuts' but in the meantime an 'ordinary' human(of course a 'healthy' ego does not refer itself as 'ordinary') has many personalities: one for picking up partner, one for arguing with parent, one for being the good worker for boss, one for being a great lover, one for deal within the ghetto, in rude environment, one played out at parties and the transition, the interconnectedness of these self-definition-based reaction-rule set personalities is so smoothly embedded and ingrained into one's life smoothed with thoughts/feelings/emotions that by the becoming we do not see/realize/understand that it's a con played by our consciousness based on our own original fear to have a feel of stability, certainty, power.

"I am a lawyer, a soldier, a programmer, an artist, a great lover, a Chinese, a biker" - self-definition - limitation, based on polarity, energy, fear.

It is quite brave to acknowledge that I accept and allow fear without any justification and excuse, projection or blame, because then it is all about self as who I am here today. I am responsible, which is quite intense, but simply true and by this realization I can decide to understand, stop, change from my fear to fearless self-expression.

There is also a gift, an advantage within decomposing and stopping automatic personality-activation: the ability to decide within responsible, humble, yet effective way on how to act, respond, which in the beginning feels less smooth, powerful and 'normal' but these are also dimensions for to apply self-forgiveness as a false reliance on qualities based on self-definitions of polarity, condition instead of Self-direction.

I am power, I am expression, I am humbleness - it should not be based on a condition, a person, a circumstance, because then it is not self-direction, but self-automation based on a self-accepted reaction manifesting into action.

So I walk Self-forgiveness to become aware and decompose the patterns which constitute to create, react to, become identified and act upon personalities.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that within accepting reactions within me, accumulating into energetic experiences and activating personalities within me with the justification of 'I need this' in order to behave the way I feel I have to act in order to get what I want, to protect myself, to have movement, a feel of power, clarity, obviousness and within that not realizing that it is a system I use as a layer within separation from what is here, from who I am as life as equal with and as all here.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the fear directly within wanting to use energy, reaction, self-definition to give permission to be acted out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to protect my beingness in the fear of loss, fear of change, fear of hurt, fear of pain, because I've defined myself according to my changes to fear, loss and pain and allowed myself to be automatic with the patterns I react to fear, to prevent fear, to deal with fear without understanding what I fear and actually why and what is the consequence I cause by this pattern to fear.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I created personalities in my mind, to automatize reactions, behaviors, what I've defined as supporting me, protecting me and not realizing that it is based on thoughts, feelings, emotions, which are based of certain fear without questioning what I participate within, what will be the consequences for me and others.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that when I define a situation serious, meaning I have something to lose which I do not want and I feel the tension, friction about it, having inner conflict within and react with fear, I create energetic reactions within me which accumulate into personality to activate to feel and behave certain ways, which I've defined as who I am and how I should act in situations and not realizing that it is not self-direction because it's a reaction based on how I reacted in the past and given permission to become automatic.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that when I lose presence in and as my human physical body and focus my attention to things outside of me meanwhile losing awareness how I am, why I am doing things, then I give permission to my mind to react and act automatically.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to become aware when I act automatically meanwhile listening to thoughts, feelings, emotions and not realizing that I am separated within this - having inner reactions, programmed to come up and react, take away or make me do things what I not realize that it is based on fear and never considering the solution as stop myself going into fear first and see what is actually the point I want to avoid.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define activating personality as feeling good, safe and familiar and define it as myself and by the energetic experience, feeling myself as powerful and not realizing that I am compromising myself based on conditions, self-definitions and pre-programmed reactions to deal with fear.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that how exactly I've created personality in my mind based on thoughts, feelings, emotions and when and why I go into activation of the certain personalities and not seeing that I want to avoid fear based on another layer of fear and not seeing the whole pattern, the whole dynamics, the whole system, only being identified and reacted to one layer at a time, just like a turing-machine, an algorithm, a fuzzy-logic rule-set, which consists of conditions and reactions, just much more than I believed I could grasp and understand, which is also comes from a fear and in fact not real.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that all the fear I experience is not real, it's just an energy I want to avoid because behind it there is awareness, responsibility, change, which I defined myself needing to resist at all cost, because who I defined myself to be should not change, because then the fear would come up that I am losing myself which is also defined to fear and within behind all this, the interest of me, self, separated from what's and who's all here as equal as me and within this not realizing that regardless of my experience and my reaction, facts are here, based on my actions and if I act based on fear, it's still manifested.

I forgive myself that I have never realized that I can let go fear, I can face and walk through the fear, the valley of shadow of death, which is losing all which is my self-interest, which is the death of who I believed myself to be as personality, mind, consciousness, system, and beyond there is a birth of life, fearless, undefined, direct living.

I will continue to decompose the particular personality I've started to open up here...
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[JTL Day 221] Energy and Seriousness

There are points and topics, situations within communication wherein I experience a reaction within me, which is based on a belief, a self-definition, a fear, a self-dishonesty and it's became automatic and limiting, so it's common sense to become aware of these exactly to prevent myself participating within by taking responsibility for what I accept and allow and create.

Energy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to what somebody says to me about me by always judging it is true or not and based on that feeling something positive or negative automatically without questioning why.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that why I do not walk through point until it's clear, I am here, I am the directive principle, because allowing distractions to come up and believing in that those are indeed important things and not considering the tendency to not face/walk/stop the point I face currently.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be distracted by something when I am actually doing something, as walking through a point - not literally, but going through the reflections, definitions, reactions and I remain here, present with the starting point of self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into reactions of my definitions of the past when I talk with somebody and not realizing that it is a distraction, because in the moment I do not listen, I push my version of reality into my mind and then into the conversation based on a conviction of a pattern I feel adequate, even if it's not common sense.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to map up my mind, my personality, my characters within myself to become aware of the points I react with positive or negative reactions, especially wherein I am automatic immediately, such as righteousness, wisdom, spite and not realizing that is because I lose a perception of control and wanting to get it back by going into patterns what I allowed myself to believe it could help, as wanting to prove that I am right, I know or wanting the other go into doubt, uncertainty and not realizing what are the points I allow myself to act upon these.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into argument with someone for wanting to keep up or maintain something I feel I don't have, for instance when perceiving that the other person is making a mistake, not understanding the situation, wanting to me to change, behave, do something and then instead of considering that, the person, automatically, by the nature of how the person approaches me, I would go into reaction, defense, offense and not even realizing it until there is tension within me or within my expression.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I accumulate tension within me during conversation because of the perception of losing my patience and within that allowing myself to perceive the communication as not effective, not progressing, stuck, and within that feeling that I am losing time and thus losing my interest to continue, yet when I am involved with the point to communicate, I feel that I need to push it in order to give a pronunciation to my expression by believing that if I am more determined, more direct, then that would help and not realizing that the other might perceive it as aggression, rudeness, blunt force, which would not result within understanding, respect, agreement mutually, which is in fact my starting point during the initiation of conversation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel wasting time when I am unable to share my points of reasoning, realizations, perceptions, and define it as not worthy, which then expressing it automatically with the other and not considering that the other might perceive it as an insult because might recognize this as a judgement of me being arrogant and acting superior as stating that the other is fool, unable to understand me and only recognizing this pattern when seeing that the other is reacting with frustration.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to clarify and purify myself in the beginning of communication that I stick to remain here, directive, consistent and 'patient' in terms of giving the time to explain what I mean and giving the time the other to express her/his point without me interrupting, reacting with thoughts/feelings/emotions and when those would occur - I direct myself to stop and re-align myself here breath by breath.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that during a communication if I react with negative emotions/positive feelings, then I am losing presence, direction, clarity, consistency, thus the priority point is to stop and prevent myself reacting to first be able to hear the other without judgement/filters of my mind and until that is not clear, here, stable as myself - then that is my responsibility what I commit myself to take and live as a guide for what I have to do for practical change within stopping myself reacting automatically by investigating what points I feel triggered within during the conversation and why - what is the actual fear arising and what I have to change in order to prevent myself reacting with fear, such as cleansing myself from the past.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to stop reacting to my past, using it as a reference and justification to react and go into the patterns what ends up with worry, frustration, fear, anger and not realizing that is the key and the road to getting my presence and direction here by letting it go with throughout understanding and practical application of embracing and stopping the point, the reaction, the information, the energy, myself as equal as one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry and fear, be anxious and irritated about the points of my past about relationships, the person of my relationship about what happened and what was not cool and why was not cool and not realizing that was the past, and if I do not change my relationship to my past, then I do not allow myself to change in the present, thus re-creating it into the future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I do not react with energy, emotions in a point of a conversation wherein I feel that I am not getting what I want, then I have to use that energy to influence me, to boost, power up, force me to change tune, tonality, words, voice without realizing what exactly I give permission to change with this energy specifically and thus not taking responsibility to be able to prevent to act upon fear, anger, spite.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define feeling energy as feeling alive, feeling powerful, feeling true and real meanwhile not realizing that the very definition of energy is also polarity-based, lack of energy versus having lots of energy and the more I define and rely on conditions of how I must feel, be, behave according to the amount of energy I feel or lack, then I am the less Self-directive here but act upon my past self-dishonesty as energy being the fuel of me instead of me directly here undefined, without any polarity.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've given permission to my mind, my body, my beingness to react and act according to energy automatically and defining this automatism, this permission-giving and reactions as who I am as a whole and not realizing that it is a system, and within it there is a beginning and an end, there was a creation and there will be a destruction within which I do not really exist because if there is no energy, I do not move, I do not act.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having energy, not having enough energy, fear from not being able to create energy and not be able to feel energy and within that fear losing myself and the sense of direction, perception of power and not realizing that energy as I feel, define and react to it is a consequence of inner friction, polarity, separation, conflict and if I am dependent on it, being influenced by it, then I am self-dishonest, who I perceive and act upon is not real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to completely build my personality based on energy and define and identify myself according to energetic experiences within and as my human physical body and justify it as this is the feel of being alive and never slowing down, considering, directing myself to really observe what I participate within on a thought, feeling, emotion level and to exactly see within utmost specificity that it is in fact based on friction, separation, make-belief and fear of loss.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that within communication I want to express myself and be able to explain my starting point, my value, my reason, my want and if that is being challenged, resisted or not even being understood, then I go into the insecurity because then I question myself that 'Am I really sure that shall I talk/communicate/explain to this person right now?' and within that I focus to the doubt, the reaction, instead of focusing on the expression I do, focusing on the person who I communicate with, on the point I express and in the moment of doubt, I am separated from my communication, from the person who I communicate with and also from myself and within that separation in fact I do not have directive principle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue with the communication when I see that I am not clear, certain, direct and present in the hereness of the moment and not realizing that it is because I participate within energy, reaction, judgement, therefore my communication is not direct, certain, self-expression, but based on a fear, therefore the common sense is to stop for a moment, re-align myself and decide a direction and walk it unconditionally within self trust and if still doubt, questioning comes up, then I use it as to cross-reference that am I sure what I do and why I do? And if not, then I change, and if yes, then I walk through any resistances breath by breath by realizing that resistances are based on fear, self-definition and those also can be understood and walked through with consistent accumulation of physical action.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry and fear from not being able to express myself, not being able to explain what I want, because in the past there were occasions when I focused on doubt, fear, mistakes instead of my expression and therefore I compromised my actual communication and then as I accepted it and repeated this pattern, I've defined myself as being incapable of communicate, and not realizing that all my perceptional limitations can be understood and walked through with applying the tools of Self-forgiveness, Self-correction, Self-commitment with written, sounded and acted step by step until I am clear and directive and consistent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if I continue on focusing to how I did in the past, how I make mistakes in the past, then I am not allowing myself to be fully here, directive, to expand on expression, clarity, therefore I re-create the experience and consequence of failure.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define how the person is capable of better communication than me and compare the person with me and based on that feeling myself superior or inferior within communication and not realizing that this definition is also based on fear, because not allowing to be in and as the moment but superimpose the definitions of my past and within that limiting my perception and expression.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I go into emotions while I talk with someone, then I am not directive, present, effective within self-honesty, common sense, because the energy of emotion, the whole self-definition, personality system is being activated which automatically will create more reactions what I would justify with believing this is who I am and this is how I should act and not realizing that I can be and become living words directly wherein I am the words as physical expression, without energy, without rules, without definitions, and not realizing that within every single energetic reaction there is a self-definition, a fear that without it I am not capable and therefore it's a giving up, a defeat, a losing myself experience which as the more I accept and allow, the more I physically program my human physical body flesh to behave so and to stop this I have to first be able to slow down and understand and accumulate action based on a re-defined words to live, unified as being the same in mind, sounded word and action to stop the inner separation, fear, energy to direct me.

Seriousness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to laugh when something serious is the topic and within that trying to use laughing as a trigger to not be serious because as I've defined seriousness, I would become rigid, reactive, defensive and offensive, because how I've defined myself to deal with 'seriousness' is to become hard, controlling, ruthless, clinical, rational and within this not realizing that it is based on fear, I fear losing.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see/realize/understand that when I react with a self-defined seriousness, it is of fear of loss, fear of change, who I've defined myself to be feeling being challenged, risked, attacked, which then I response to with creating distance from the subject of my self-defined source of fear.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to become aware of when exactly I go into the laughing and making fun of things as a defensive mechanism to prevent myself going into clinical, rational mindset and also when already seeing that I actually lose my sense of humor, awareness within the automatized 'seriousness', I try to make fun of it in order to change my perception, view of how I would react and within that not realizing that it is not self-direction, but actually based on fear of not being able to control myself, and wanting to control myself by how I act, as within this, if I make fun, am being capable of laughing, then it is not serious, which then I've defined as supportive for a mentality of 'taking it easy', which I've defined as practical approach, because then I do not take it personally, I do not lose myself within the experience of reaction and within all not seeing that what I really go into is fear and all other is automatic, pre-programmed.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I am not being self-honest with myself on how I approach the polarity manifestation of my mind's creation about seriousness and defining it as a two-poled dimension from very serious to absolutely light-minded, flippant and based on that 'state' of my mind, defining how I approach things, how I react to things with myself and others without realizing it, without questioning myself and be able to apply common sense.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see/realize/understand that there are several dimensions in my mind which are constantly being determined as a polarity-baseline of my personality and by those being defined how my 'mood', 'state of mind', 'perception', 'reaction-base' should work and within that in fact I, as, Awareness is not needed, not present, not expressed, based on self-accepted accumulation within participation of fear, which to stop I have to understand these polarity dimensions, the rules/circumstances I define and by that determine my state of mind to be able to prevent myself reacting to, automatically act upon.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to become aware that within partnership, relationship, agreement, I allowed myself to believe that I need to fight and stand up for my rights and integrity, because as I've defined partnership, it is always based on that the other unconsciously wanting to overtake, manipulate, dominate, control the relationship and within it: me, which is the nature of consciousness, what for I do not trust my partner, therefore I should always be sharp and within this not realizing it is fear of loss, fear of change and it is the consequence of not established agreement which stands and not realizing that the only way to manifest stability, trust within partnership is the same way as I can develop it with myself and then to extend it with another person, such as stop the fear of loss, realize what I fear losing, facing and then create a process of walking through and stopping breath by breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make fun of when who I have a conversation, communication with that the person is getting serious, emotionally charged and defining her as 'losing it', 'losing presence' and judging her/him and then within that separating myself from her/him, going into my mind, and by a polarity, defining it as I am cool, stable, while the other is uncool and unstable and feeling positive about it, because defining myself as superior, more aware, directive, while the other is someone who requires guidance, assistance, direction and within that wanting to give direction, suggestion, which I automatically wanting to share, the other to consider and when not, then having a laugh and smile and defining the situation as 'this is when I need patience and not to react' which is also of fear of if I would not apply patience and stopping reacting, then I would lose my patience and I would react, which then would mean that I would not laugh but go into serious mode which would mean I would become distant, clinical, radical and determined, which I defined not wanting to because of the worry of the other would define me as not caring or aggressive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about being defined as not caring or aggressive because then I would need to explain why I am not that and within that I would have reasons for it and within that explaining I would feel that I made something wrong which I would doubt it, and even if I would feel wrong, then I would feel doubt within me and either way I am not present anymore, I am not directive, which then I would feel being uncomfortable with, which then I would define as not cool and unsympathetic, which I would want to change, otherwise I would end up being stressful, anxious, fearful without realizing why exactly and what is the reason for it and what is the starting point to be able to apply common sense and prevent myself to react with fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if I have resistance to be with someone based on reasons I have to find reasons and circumstances to why to accept, within which I would not be sure, consistent about, then based on that I cannot really build an agreement on, therefore I must be able to become absolutely self-honest with myself and see what I am currently accepting and allowing and why, and what it is I can, want and will change in order to the agreement to create without any reaction, anxiety, worry, fear.

I commit myself to continue to reveal my fears, definitions of when I go into the dimension of serious---not serious dimension and why and work on stopping it, and use common sense, and see what I fear from losing to embrace and decide what is the best not only for me but other participants as well.