Ok

Ok, I've killed all unposted/unfinished blog drafts, simply by publishing them, some were for months only - only sleepeng. I am here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not breath naturally in every moment.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to breath naturally when I walk.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to breath naturally when I walk on street.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to breath naturally when I meet with someone on street.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to breath naturally when I look into someone-s eye while I am walking on street.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to breath naturally when I see something uncommon.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define situations as uncommon.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define situations separated from me, instead of realizing that the situations are me as one as equal and I can breath here and direct myself as the situation as me as one as equal here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to freeze my breath when I encounter with a breathtaking experience.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define situation as breathtaking by allowing myself to stop breathing naturally to be able to dig into the mind and not being here as the physiscal as me as one as equal to take self-responseibility and direct.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to yawn, to shut down, to not hear what I was about in the last moment.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to breath naturally when I am having a conversation with somebody.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/consider about the other related to my breathing experience - instead of realizing that I breath here and this is not the question of judgement, but self-trust - - can I trust within and as me to breath here naturally or not - and if not then why? What is the obsticle within my head what I dare to push before my breath - to see this and realize the dishonesty and prepare the change by specific self-forgiveness and then apply it and change.,
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider about how many blog posts I send today, instead of realizing that I am me as breath here - and I discipline myself to focus to what is here and when attempts are occuring to wavering then applying self-forgiveness specifically.

back

Some strength only can come when I am stepping over the accepted weakness.
This sickness is like a contract - a connection - a giving/getting.
I give my strength, I get back my weakness.
For the weaken to be awaken?
This women issues looks like total bullshit - at the moment I manage breath trough these issues - the mind-desire and the sex desire - totally separated stuffs but in fact it is just like multiple-pillared mind-worm - caterpillar-like consctructional surreal uncutted kidneypushing breathtaking small moments when I realize the ironic smell of my own bullshit.

Never sewer the fever bever beaver!

So this sharp short pains in right kidney happen quite often in this last some days.
Stop pretending, stop projecting, stop fighting, stop playing.
Still I tend to play the cosmic consciousness act - because people pulls a trigger what I never ocnsidered - and self-honesty sharply pains and I see the hidden reflection of me inside the robot's personality of my own expression.
Spiritual bullshit and great wisdom people do like to wave but this is for their mindpeace but undoubtfully weak for protecting the weaving of the lakemirror's wholeness when the rock falls.
And I find myself to not be this falling rock into their lake and then in the next moment I can not judge myself because I did not pushed myself - because it is totally gone. So this kind of issue is quite remarkable - if I push myself in every moment then I can not be blamed by myself - because I am aware - that I do anything what is possible in every moment - so this gives me the trust - or gives the way to realize that I am my trust.
Like in the work - I sit in office, I push me and the job is being pushed, and is being solved - if not - then I have to push - that's it.
In this project - I pushed myself to the limits - and it's great - I experienced something new - the obsession of self-occupation - what I do is that what I do and I do it and I enjoy to do it and I am doing it and this is who I am.
This only I experienced before in party-life when I was kind of spiritual-guy who could be quite deep in the trips and I was aware that I am silent - but as I literally engineered this to happen - I had to pay for the process - because it was based on chemical - and big shoot ment to get the big fall.
I got a tiny realization about how much mind-garbage I've participated and all I will have face again and stop reaction until everything of me stops.
I experienced blue energy-strains around in space - kind of salvia-shit flash-back was - with the eyes of consciousness. Trippy stuff - manifested mind-prison of me one and equal here.
Observation one more - right nose is stuck - this happens when I participate too much thoughts - it stuck and when I allow myself to breath - just breath - this always goes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always wanted to be somebody else.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be just like somebody else.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be like those who apparently are capable of doing incredible things.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wanted to be musician like those who I know from personal memories.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight against myself to not trust myself but want to copy others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to liste to others about I have to copy others in order to find my expression.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust me unconditionally.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to emotional suppressions and automated reaction systems according to the manifested dishonesties within myself.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize

Scar(ed) (T)issues

Ok I make a list about what I do not want to forget anymore until I transcended.

-some tirednes when comes up - only necessary to push trough and realize that I am breath as expression and apply self-forgiveness anything comes up on and as
-resistance on some specific 'areas' what I've defined as avoidable or fightable - this implies women, finishing music and be self-honest with anybody, especially those who I have memory with - called family, friends etc --- when avoidance occurs, simply apply self-forgiveness and see what is being digged up and apply self-forgiveness and push self until the core is here and one and equal I stand -- when I realize that I fight - I stop and see reactions as well and see what I fear to loose and simply experience to let it go and explore what remains
--embarrassedness - this is actually cool - kind of presence-test -- discipline and breath and enjoy what is here
--fear from not having enough resources (basically money) - this is ludicrous, actually I will get a contract for unlimited time in a huge company - until nukewar, probably it will last -- more precisely: until I will leave

So here is a girl who wants to meet with me and do some nasty things but she is inhibited from a perspective, and I am simply aware about how I would react about her: probably one curly night and that's it.

For me at this moment is important to push me trough from avoiding physical contact to actually facing with.

In fact there is the other girl who I dream with sometimes and she is just attracting me with her simplicity and beauty and innocence - and she wrote to me that soon we meet.

I do not accept myself to have an another relationship anymore - so this stuff brings up some past unfinished businesses - and I can say - I am ruthless, but in fact I do not identify myself as who I really am with the emotional content what I actually let to direct me - only I open myself unconditionally and realize what is this and how it happened. No romantic bullshitting.
I already seen what this looks like - shining light-systems within my human physical body until I do not stop participate. I stop.

This emotional participation is much-much less stronger, overcoming and deeper than one-two years before - but in fact I can still explore the influence within my expression and I do not accept this.

I got the flu - it came fast, and it was extensively intense, painful, but looks like the real shit of this actual one has gone - what left is a little tiredness and sick throat and lot of coughing.

It was like my spine was burning and my limbs were freezing - or broken.
My head was dizzy and barely I could think so I pushed myself to simply breath.

I was watching Heroes 1 series and these emotions came up - and I almost cried - I was literally burning inside. It was like a transformation.

I tend to forget that nothing to fear - I can really do whatever I want - and the excuse to explore this because of the fear was to lie to myself that I do not know what I want.
BUT
I am who I am - I do not need to want who I am - I am simply who I am, so I express.

days

I work all day, actually every day - weekend or not - this is one big pushday.
I work hard, I even do not think, how much I am at the office - something changed within me. I am my work. People are being kicked out, even within the team - some are really professionals - this not about friendship, not even how long they were at the company or how they are good in their job. Simply just cutting down the branches as the spring comes - this brings much questionmarks all around me but I do not care. I work here and I do not separate myself from them or from my work.
I started to be good. I've never worked at a comapny for one year - this is it. One year - it's enough to stabilize my feet on what I am doing and the fruit is much-much days - something I perceived as stuck and swampy - or something what is freezed - started to move. I move, and I get what I want and then will see.
Within two months I will be able to financially stand up from loans - and my tiny studio is getting ready.
Work of me - the work as me.
I started to notice that I defined myself as not getting aroused but as I noticed, I defined myself - I started to be aroused - I got some movies, I watched and interesting was to see - I 've defined myself according to suppression.
And I've defined that that girl wanted to have movies and I dared myself to justify this with her - projection - mind-obsession -- obvious exposion.
I needed this suppression to define me to remain this. But not anymore.
Simply because I wanted to avoid living woman but still wanting to have release when the bomb is starting to explode - but still remain as a bomb. Because then I can say - fuck, I am a bomb, what does not explodes, but still a bomb.
So Explosion? I did it - outnumbered occasions it happened by horsekicking psychedelics - those were not real but in fact the kicking was real. I kicked myself indirectly because I was not here and I pushed myself. But from over there - to over over there. In fact it is more simple to push myself here.
I am here - I push myself here.
Every moment I do not push myself - I am being pushed back from my unpush-ness.
Of couse it does not matter - when I start to step back from the push - it comes and I step back and it is me - my shadow manifestation is pushing me.
Also this girl - we did chat and I experience the urge to get her but I in fact there is something what is holding me back.
It is more precise than a nuclear plant. Because in fact I am leting myself to dream about an another girl just because of the memory - and the another girl is waiting for being 'hunted' - and I enjoy to express myself as honesty and when I act - I experience myself as pushing her to realize self honesty and than I realise that I push me and then I am pushing here constantly what ever is this here - and when it's undefined and I am directing - it is obviously effective.
This bullshit knowledge system what I am stopping - it is huge - but that wisdom is system wisdom - fucks me up and down and IO define myself according to these frequency sample treshold statistics? Fuck the system - fuck the memory - embrace time and space as breath in and as every single moment.

Probably the desire to be with that girl who I dream regularly - or if not then the dream is obviously about this kind of entity. Let's face this stuff in real. So much suppression comes out and knocking on the closed doors - Hey, Tala, are you here? Are you in?

So - push yourself in every single moment - because this is the gift of self. the push of self as self-honesty to live moment here.
I push my mother as me - I push that girl on chat, I push my sister, unconditionally dealing with and as everything here as me.
Enjoying work - and this is like if I trust me in every moment - I am the manifested trust placement within and as me: then nothing to worry, enjoy the show and every fail-all-ure is just part of the movement - as whole as everything.

Still darkness is avoided from a point - self-trust experience opens up doors every day - this process is very simple - express and express and express.

The first hungarian guy joined on desteni hungarian site - he asked me where to start or what to read, and I've suggested him some docs, videos.
that's all - on this week I write more again.
It actually does not matter how much I work - I am starting to be more focused when I am awaken - I do and act and I push me and then I sleep, and I wake up and I push myself again - interesting to see how much I've defined myself according to energy related to sexual expression - sexual release, or orgasm - I've defined myself according to sexual suppression - and my energetical level according to the amount of sexual desires, suppressions - what always caused tiny shocks within my body, experiences - so I experience with this - to not suppress - but express - and will see what will be unfolded. I did quite some self forgiveness aloud about this energy stuff and sexual stuff and I change - I have to change because I am already changing - it's unstoppable. I as breath stopping the participation within the mind to remain inner silent.
So much I can fight with a simple stuff - but it's unnecessary.

These self-forgiveness sentences what I say in these days - I stabilize with this post:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as suppression.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as energy as amount according to the quantity of suppression.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress desires and transform it to depression.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress desires and anger into deprssion - instead of realizing that this anger is towards me because I did not stand up and I did regret the stepping back from myself - instead of standing up and pushiny myself trough my previously accepted and allowed nature to explore what is actually here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from facing with girl because I fear from having fall into possession of her as relationship.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny that in the past I lost my head because of girls.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to chose girls according to how much I could fly away in my mind from here and saying that these girls are really special so probably will assist me to fly away to another dimensions/worlds who the fuck knows where to actually not being here as expression.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire girl to have sex instead of realizing that this is a programmed self-definition system about how to remain exactly the same according to suppressions and definitions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny me and try to escape from me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define orgasm as something what takes my energy away - and within participation in this belief - I started to perceive myself as this and then I was totally the slave of this illusion.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my power related to how much I avoided sexual expression - just because I've defined sex as nasty, or low.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I became quite soon possessed with sex and that's why I looked after another expressions or explorations such as drugs, music, travel etc to avoid sex.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that sex is the mind-energy rejuvenartion system's main fuel - and until I fight against it - it will persists.

Push&shadow

Light. Pure, overtone, virtual mindlight.

The being participates trough self-definition what energetically manifests projection within this light consciousness system.
This one step-definition projects a simple bean from the direction of it's starting point- let's call this 'entry-point'. As the being enters this territory, the system allows to shoot beams - what are like vacuums within the full of light, from the opposite of it's starting point - it casts a shadow.
So there is the being participates within a self-definition - this singular vacuum-like beam is shooted and from an another perspective it casts shadow. Now lets' explore what is self-definition. Actually every definition has to be self-definition. So.
It's like here is this consciousness as a manifested sound expression. Not the whole sound, but it's like a filtered part, yet it is that, but the being is the filter. The being can be called also as starting point of sound expression.
So there is a method to scan the limited consciousness system by taking samples from the currently available frequency domain. The important part of these frequency-scans is the filter(being) and the intensity: the peak. The peak signifies that the being's expression caused an intense participation(intense self-projection by definition as a singular mind-bean) within a specific frequency domain and the previous vacuum-bean 'shooting' was the starting point of it. So then the peak(and it's starting point) is being stored within a specific storage, called memory, and labeled by the previous definition itself as word - as the previous definition's vacuum bean caused the actual. A connection arises - from point to line and from line forming the geometry of participation.

So then this occurs multipe times, around the space and time - and causes multi-dimensional geometrical pattern within the existence; and manifesting these vacuum beans, by these starting points/taking samples/memory storings and each casts shadows.
These are not 'real' shadows - but more likely the balancing outs of the vacuums within the system to keep everything stabilized - but let go one step further in this stabilization:

Well, these shadows when interfere - then in fact the inverse frequency intensity is being merged - basically making darker 'areas' within specific 'basic clear light' domains.

And the being does not stops defining, so then, when experiencing this vacuum-beam-shadow-area within the light system - defines it as the exact inverse way as it is from the actual location of the being because of the beam-projections - and the being perceives shadow, and the shadow is a quite interesting part of the expression of the being:
It is the actual expression of the being, yet the being is perceiving the frequency domain - so it looks like the shadow is just a part of a reflection from the system, not the being itself - a part of the big common-filter-expression.

And the being starts to try to avoid entering dark area by shooting beams within the 'shadow-like defined' area, because there are yet vacuum beans, but those apparently not casting shadows - and from the being's perspective: it means that, it does not change the light, so it looks like that within the light only works the casting shadow by vacuum beans.

So the being starts to avoid it's own casted shadows, instead of realizing that is actually itself(himself/herself etc), what is trying to avoid - and indirectly being directed to react the opposite - and will facing with the same experience what tried to avoid.
Because the being(as the mental projection of the 'real' being) as these darkness-vacuum beams within the light system are influencing the system - so the system flows, and makes the play on: the being starts to meet with it's 'creation' - the consequences of the actual self-projections and then also tries to 'beam' it's own projected 'beamself' to figure out what happened - and then the circle is closed. After this movement the being is being locked out from it's creation from the perspective of losing the starting point of itself as entering the lightmind system and starting projecting energy-information-light-shadowcasting beams to define itself to be able to react.

So good luck to realize the only one solution: stop!

well, a bit foggy, I will return to this one once more to see what comes up later on

Push

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hesitate within applying self forgiveness in the moment because of I have allowed myself to being directed - instead of stopping immediately, breath and express myself accordingly to be absolute self honest to stop participating within thinking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define complexity as more divine than simplicity because I have allowed myself to judge myself according to my dishonesty and trying to hide within complexity - based on my self definition related to what others should perceive about me and seeing other's limits, and stepping one step further, basically as a system works - and if I tend to be complex - then I can define myself as unpredictable, and then I could have more freedom by others would tend to define me as unpredictable but in fact this is separation, this is limitation based on self-doubt, fear from facing myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be unpredictable, because of the fear that then others would see who I am here and then they may reflect back to me what I have accepted and allowed myself to express - and then this facing would mean realization and it would mean change.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from change.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear of change.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the word change as unpredictable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to predict my world to be able to plan to operate in a way what is stable, safe, smooth, easy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enhance deining according to being able to notice small particles within the system and operate as a robot and always using this defining system to predict the optimal next step, not realizing that this is the very manifested limitation of myself based on my manifested fear as trying to keep everything on a perceived illusionaric view what is not here but only within my mind as memory, as thoughts, as consciousness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge beings according to how they can operate as a predictional algorythm and judging them by perceiving their defining/predicting systematic behaviour and then controling and manipulating them according to my definiions, my limitations, what are the inprintings of my fear, of my dishonesty - so basically in every single moment I am facing with my manifested fear and dishonesty until I stop defining, stop thinking, stop escaping, stop fighting, totally, absolutely.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being controlled, not realizing that because I have accepted and allowed myself to become controllable trough my fears.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate beings according to my definitions what self-dishonesties I can see within themselves as fear and manipulating their fear to manipulate them to react - instead of realizing that they are me as one as equal and I am showing myself my accepted and allowed nature of manipulation because of fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from others within my mind, instead of realizing that this is only a perception based on participatin within the expression of separation - and I manifested myself as separation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become separation and trying to separate myself from my separation and separating myself from separation instead of realizing that I am fearing to realize that I have accepted and allowed myself to escape from stoping by keep defining.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to change others because then I would have the perception or reflection that I can change others and then being able to define that I am able to change others than I should be able to change me - instead of changing my application here as moment breath by breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust in my experiences instead of trusting me here unconditionally -and not separating myself from trust as experience as here as me as one as equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myelf to fear from facing with woman and sex because I have separated myself from woman and sex because I am dishonest as I have relationship with my memory and I define woman and sex related to my memory and fear of facing because of the knowledge and memory of possession. Possible possession.
Basically trying to making impossible to face with a possible possession. LOL

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to woman as relationship as an escape from myself here and then trying to escape from facing this fact - I defined that I avoid women to not allow for them to become addicted to me as a mind object, in relationship as dishonesty - but in fact this is me, I have projected this out and then manifested by manipulating women to become addicted to me to prove that this is a reason to act like that and hide my dishonesty and cover my fear from become addicted. Hm first time I could write this, in the last days I started to open this within me and this is kind a push.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define push instead of being pushing myself here unconditionally.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remain within the polarity by giving up some relationship with specific self-definitions by manipulating myself by other self-definitions instead of stopping everything within and as me here unconditionally as trusting me as inner silence as breath as self-expression as self-directive principle.

Self forgiveness on self-interest

At the moment what reveals

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become interested in a woman to become obsessed with one being to exclude all others.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to live as the living expression as principle as all as one as equal as life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire someone only to have sex to release the emotional suppressed self-shit for a moment to not change but looping it over and over and over again - instead or realizing that to stop generate this emotions trough thoughts is the common sense and the shortest way, always here.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when I build up desire for a woman - it is based on sexual desire what is based on preprogrammed reactions to pictures.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that my interest in a woman is only related to my sexual desire what is related to the release of compounded suppressions.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when I released this emotional shit with orgasm with the girl, instanteniously I want to go away because only this what I wanted and this is quite a self-interest stuff.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide this within me to start to desire women who I judged as extremely attractive/beautiful to simply being able to judge them right after the orgasm to form a bind very soon to not facing with this accepted and allowed nature of myself - but this is also a point of self-interest, based on perceived pictures are compared from my memory what is well preprogrammed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to obey to my thoughts.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my thoughts have right.

Ssssssssssssssssssss

I enjoy to make a videoclip - the topic is shit but I direct the shit as me as one as equal: war. After finishing this clip, I will continue to translate the Structural Resonance articles, at this moment I am sure that I will be more effective than before - and this will assist me to stabilize with a deeper understanding of the material - and trough this supporting the process here.

This is a diary shit like post lol - scripting up or avoiding forgetfulness or simply express myself as writing instead of supressing.

Stopping interesting topic - as I gathered many possibilites of interests as busyness to do - but these are not excuses to not stop?

Probably I was afraid of not being able to express myself and I started to manifest multiple threads and here I am - many possibilites what I wanted to do - kind of desire to express myself on these ways - and here I stop the desire, because the very manifested desire of my personality what looks like an obsticle to simply let myself to express.

I have the programmable robot kit, what I've managed to get - this is what I really enjoy to do, and I will - this stuff was since of childhood - I realized that I focused too much on computer shit, and I wanted to 'return back to 3D' - and this kind of stuff I did before when I was a kid, but this is more specific...
So I have the stuffz, I want to manifest something and I will do it and that's all.

Also I have the best/newest video animator/editor softwares to work with and I enjoy this, because these are very good fun - so I do the clip suffs, and this prepares me for the forthcoming projects such as movies and etc.

Music stuff, I finally bought a cheap mic, and only what needs is a soundcard with a preamp to be able to link it to the computer, and in couple of weeks I will manage this - and I will start to record the jewsharp stuff and I will play with my sound as well, and I will see how I can play with the desteni jam-o.
Also Lacko will come or his girlfriend and they will rap up the lyrics for our project. In related to this, I have to figure out how I can easily boost up the sound quality of the tracks what he wrote in Reason, because these are cool tracks but the quality of the sound is kind of crap. And I trust myself and that's it.
Also I am really close to start to make my own music and it's interesting because I sense inside of me the need of doing this but something still holds me and I will explore this in writing more because this is cool to let go all judgement and express myself as breath as making music and sound compositions.

Writing, not only blog, but little stories, and related to my experiences to build up small fragments of screenplays, characters, beats.

Also programming I can enjoy, I see it when I built the SR app, I experienced as joy to do that - I was aware what and how I want to make it done and I did it.

So I will explore more the flex stuff, some more app I will make...

These are kind of busyness what I am doing at these days - and oh yes playing - I enjoy to click games and more and more times I am transforming this expression as breath - I started to make a big post on why and how I use strategy game as self-forgiveness to be aware what I have accepted and allowed myself here and forgiving specific points to prepare myself to change.

What I enjoy that I allow myself to figure out what I could manifest and then selecting one and not releasing it until it's done - and specificly push myself to do it and finish what I start - but ensuring that to begin only what I really want - and then doing doing and not allowing to give up - and then it's done and going to the next stuff.

So this clip I will continue and then I will translate some more chapters in the SR to hungarian.

Also I was like I was not participated within sexual desires for one month like not using pictures and not even desiring to have sex and interesting that after 3 weeeks I started to think that I did it, and I started to judge my 'pause' what was like to stop habit - and finally I was browsing around the net and I clicked to one link and then some sex stuff started and I clicked around for a while until I was kind of aroused and then I stopped and went to sleep and what I enjoyed to not judge myself that I 'fall into' - but simply saying self forgiveness and remain in moment - and in the morning it came up again and even I had some physical manifested pain down there and I had to realize the stupidity of my stubborn program of behaviour and then realizing that this whole shit is not necessary so not let myself to do this again. Looks like small steps what I am quite of aware but the programs what are kind of 'in my nerves' so to say are still automatically making steps within my expression - for instance an ex-girlfriend of the guy who I lived with - and she called me about 'what's up' and then I associated to her as a possible sexual 'target' because I know that she's kind of 'hungry of sex' and even she showed this up many times and I directed me to avoid this but some shit looks like I supressed and came up as an association as her as my definition as separation,

This small step probably helped to manifest to that one click when I automatically decided to click in the moment - refractionally I am one and equal what I have accepted and allowed - or for instance the thoughts of
'At the company the receptionist girl is really nice, and the receptionist girls are here for handling them as cute and playing this male-female role shit, and then letting this go in head but in fact when she walked by I turned after her and smiled on me how I watched her body - instead of leting go of desire after experiencing my totality because this very act of participation of this desire causes me to not actually experience myself here and makes me intend to move after pictures.
This is what I can forgive simply here:
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that also the small steps are me one and equal, and small steps make big steps and every moment looks like as a small step, but in fact all moments are one and equal who I am here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think to specific girls as possible sexual target for instance to play with the idea in my mind to fuck or lick or even kiss or stuff like this - instead of realizing that I do not want this really, but the sexual desire is compounded and leaking out trough thoughts what manifest events such as she is approaching me and kind of temptating me - instead of realizing that I temptate me by allowing myself to program myself trough mind-memory-pictures.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I have not transcended desire just because for 3 weeks I did not participated in sex at all - only I suppressed it - and this happened many times and this actually wont solve anything only I play around the bush instead of directing me to physically change.

Also I judged sex separatedly from me as trying to seal as a demon instead of realizing that this is me also - and fondle it with fears and making it complicated - but in fact when I am here and breath and trust me and being able to honest with myself and letting go in the moment what is not here - then the mind has no chance.

I was like I desired to not have sex desire because I had memory how whole I experienced myself when I had no desire - so this what I wanted - but instead of letting go desires - I added one more desire to not have desire and this was a big fuckup. And then fighting against it - fighting against me - first of all trying to see it differently by projecting different shit 'out there' - and by the responses building up who I should be and then who I am - and the continous difference what I experience from this perceived/desired me and the actual experience made this KRrrrrrwkkkk wanting to tear apart my head when it was too much...

The tree of life of Talamon is really assisting me - very specificly built up interview word by word - I am greatful of me as life assiting and supporting me to birthing myself from the physical.

And one more before I go sleep that I became aware what Sunette mentioned around a year ago on chat that what I realized already, is because I express self-honesty as writing - and nothing I can be greatful really or thankful but myself - and this not means nothing special really but I am self trust here. Because I have proven myself many times and I will prove it as more as I will to manifest absolute self trust as breath as life - because this is what I am aware that myself I can trust infinitely.
And many stuff I even have not words for it - as I suppressed - but as I let myself to express as writing - I am bringing forth and actually understanding myself how and where I am responsible for this self-trust - or the lack of self-trust and then how I can stop the doubt once and for all.
This is not like proudness but more likely the expression of life - that here I stand up and this is who I am, I am here.
I do not say that I stood up as life already but I do not give up until it's done because this is who I am - breath of life as the living words - I am here.

Stop

Interesting that stopping me is more simple and obvious than stopping thoughts - as when I intent to stop thoughts - it is effective conditionally - but it begins and ends so it is not real - and if I really stop - everything of me stops and I can explore who I am - and what does not stops when I do stop - that is not me?

And if I locate the end of me in the moment; is that already manifested or it is manifesting trough participating in it's essence of a single point of as experienced separation from me? - So in fact this is insane how the mind is whole wherever I move - it's always shells around me - it's me! But when I stop, I can explore it as me, I see trough it's code(what is my code) - I can direct it as me until I emerge as the total, absolute stable unification of me.

So let us explore what is movement and what is not, what is stopping and what is not.

Self forgiveness here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I do not have to or I can not breath here when my nose is stuck with some stuff instead of realizing that I created this because I was not here as breath - and the only way is to breath trough this and not allowing myself as supression of breath as who I really am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see something in my sister and thinking that she's like this or like that - instead of realizing that I realize something within me what I have accepted and allowed and now seeing it in her - and instead of believing that she is doing this - realizing that I do the same and that's why I judge to keep up separation instead of seeing why I allow this within me and how and forgive it unconditionally here.

Click forgiveness

Interesting, I was around to wake up in the morning, and I had strange dreams, also some sexual content it had and after that I was about not really aware, but a bit yes - and I even did not know - and it is like what is always happening, in the morning, I participate within thoughts and this is generating energetic experience and at one moment, the mind consciousness system is like 'waking up to be conscious' and then I define myself as I am awaken...

But this time it was like a click, a buttonstate change as I had this pain in one moment(I am facing with some wet nose, head/throat pain) there was no pain at all, and in the next moment, the left ear was full in pain and also I was kind of aware of the nose is containing the nose stuff and it was strange - as the pain was like tube-like - as the ear inside probably is the same - so the pain was tube-like and was interesting, and the most strangest part was like a switch operated for a while - I had no pain, and then I had 'full' pain - and when I had no pain, was kind of 'more pleasant' but then I was not aware of the 'tube in my ear'.
And I realised I am managing this pain, it is like a program running in the mind consciousness system, as this 'sickness' - and actually I tried different strategies how to get trough with this shit, and actually looks like if I accept - I experience, but if I deny - I fight and then it becomes stronger.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically participate within thoughts inside of my head when I am waking up in the morning on the matrace in my sleeping bag.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that without thinking I can not peace myself down to the state of being 'normal'/'calm'.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted myself as who I am at this moment and by thinking trying to deny, to cover what is here as me by the continous participation within thinking - what is the past-based transcendence points what I carry, and repeat until I embrace, forgive and stop.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as sick.
I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to define sickness as tiredness and sleepyness and painful.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself to being sick and not even being aware of this act - instead of realizing the thoughts in the moment when I participate and understand and embrace and forgive and stop.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek - to manifest seekness - I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to getting sick by seeking after seex.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe, to think that if I do not let go my compounded sexual energy then I get sickness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to believe, to think also that I can get sickness more easily if I did sex in the last days because then I have no energy and without that I could get sickness, because the energy what protects me from sickness/harm.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form any belief related to energy by continous participation/repetition within thinking related to energy, my energetic state, my energy level or my ability to act, perceive, move or remain inner silent.
I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I manage to release the energy on a huge level than I can get rid of it once and for all - instead of realizing that this is reoccuring because the participation within contionous thinking and allowing myself to become emotional or use 'feelings' to being occupied/entertained.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my act when I write to somebody on the forum and I write directly and judging it 'agressive' - because of my memory contains pictures when pepole were direct to me and I perceived as an attack - instead of realizing that my belief system was in the fear of being attacked because in truth it is not real, and that's why I was afraid to loose it because I defined myself as this beliefsystem.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my desires to one specific person who I perceive as a possible 'sexual target' instead of realizing the struggle to occupy myself with something from outside of me and trying to find a way to release my energetic compound on a apparently gentle way when the other person could give back very positive feedback - and by this I could stabilize this kind of expression because she would like it and then it is acceptable from looking it outside - instead of realizing the dishonesty and I forgiving myself to participate within emotion and not using a sexual relationship as a starting point.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the actual tiredness or sleepyness is manifested because I am not aware of the breath each one by one, moment by moment and when I am not aware of the breath, I am not here, but I am participate within the mind and I give my power away from being here to being 'there' what is the manifested past - and that's why I experience this -- instead of being sure that I do not fly away, I direct myself, I discipline myself, I motivate myself and I am here as breath and if looks like something support is necessary, then instead of thinking, I can use writing, or saying out aloud.
I forgive myself that I can be afrad if saying out aloud what is actually inside because then what others would think and I could be exposed because based on what others could perceive about me I built up a personality and in fact/in truth inside of me is more subtle, more complex, more chaotic, more separationbased and I made the habit to define me by what others would perceive about me and when I worry about what others would think about is is indicating that I am actually fearing to lose my mask what I defined as myself.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to trust me unconditionally in every single moment of every single breath to say aloud what is going inside because then others would response as I am nuts.
I forgive myself that I define myslf according to how others define me, indicating that I do not trust me.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to trust me here to remain inner silent.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to wake up in the moring as breath as me as moment as me.
i forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to wake up in the morning as inner silence as breath as who I am as life.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use the mind to cover or hide things from me what are also me but I judged as unwanted and then I separated these from me by projecting definitions - instead of realizing that all is bullshit, and who I am is undenyable, and to face with this is inevitable, because it is already here, I am already here.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize in every single moment, of every single breath that I am an unified man already.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed react to my name, Berta Jozsef in anyway whatsoever.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate Berta Jozsef to my father who has the same name and his father who has the same name.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dislike my name because it makes me remember to this phyisical reality, to this hungarian being, to this postcommunist west-balcanic swampy grey , natural and meaningless state of living.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my father related to what he did, instead of realizing that this was preprogrammed, and everything was more likely a movie by screenplay what was prescripted and then it ran down - just like the levels in computer games - and nothing to do with my father or with his father personally, but the question is what is my reaction to this, because this is the point where I accepted and allow enslavement.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define disturbing my name because I defined Jozsef as biblical, and I defined biblical as a jew and I defined jew as stupid or silly.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define who I am at the moment by my given birthname, instead of realizing that is of memory, that is of consciousness, my name is not physical and only influences me at the moment when I accept and allow to participate within this belief.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to escape from experiencing myself as who I am at this moment within this system as my location as who I became within and as consciousness - rather then embracing it, accepting myself to be opened and allowing myself to experience what is here and direct me to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience reactions inside of me when I hear the sound of 'Berta Jozsef' - instead of being opened with myself and be aware what is the cause and why I experience this reactions and forgiving these to be able to stop and change and remain inner silent.
I forgive myslf that I have not allowed myself to realize that when I am not aware of being here as moment as breath as self- movement - actually I am manifesting the preprogrammed shit of me - and if I accept it and allow this - I am the responsible.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from my father's example about if I would 'release me', than I could finish as he did(dead).
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to die at this moment because I want to things to be done what I did not managed to manifest yet.
I forgive myself to define myself as living by hunting those experiences what I want - instead of being comfortable with myself as myself here as breath as self-movement as self-direction and trusting myself as self-expression constantly, continously without participation within any thought, emotion, feeling.

Using strategy game as forgiveness

Whatever I do, wherever I walk - I let myself to walk and any comes up - what is already here - I forgive - I forgive myself to react, I forgive myself to desire, I forgive myself to being pissed off, I forgive myself what I have accepted and allowed myself to became, to do, to stuck, to perceive, to want, every single point, without exclusion, without exception ruthlessly, specifically, continously, stabily here.

This point became very clear that everything can be forgiven for myself as myself and this is the key of my actual physical change to be able to remain inner silent to unify me in and as a single breath and remain stable as self-expression as all as me as equal.

So I've been quite busy with the computer game Supreme Commander, and it's second part, the Forged Alliance - and I've managed myself trough it on Easy level, on Normal level, and it became not challenge - and I did not get bored from it totally, but I will soon - so I just let myself to go trough it on Hard level and by this I am facing with several points what I did but not yet so extensively as on this way - because this is real hard.

As I start to write it: it becomes clear that this is just a transcendence point within myself - as I could simply deny this within me and avoid to not embrace at the moment - as I did some times with trying to avoid work to get money or even try to avoid to touch woman to probe that I do not need woman and by this defining this to me 'you see - you bear without it, so you are free of it' - but this indicates of the starting point of proving avoidance what does not gave me the stable natural 'freedom' of it - because if I deny - I resist and it persists.
The same with this game stuff - and this has already happened with drugs - I was really obsessed and I simply understood that the starting point to become so intimidated with drugs was to find out what is happening, what is going on and who I am...
And when I came to the conclusion to that I am here and I am applying myself to change myself in physical application and the tool is self-forgiveness, writing - I simply could put the drugs down - and also I did several cycles to 'get bored' on it and 'to understand that smoking for instance id death for me because gave me the strength of my thoughts what was really brainpusher for some times. Anyway I always knew that I I will put durgs down in a single minute when I decide - but I was not sure when will happen - and exactly one year ago this happened and it's ok, and interesting to observe druggy people, what reactions I accept and allow about this in the moment.
So this is just an overview about how I managed to change myself to actually stop drugs to be able to face with myself here.

And everything is equal and one with myself what I apply at the moment - there is no less important stuff, everything is not only connected but I am.
So these points come up in this game I embrace to physical application because the word virtual can be applied to anywhere - as my accepted and allowed behavior is already virtual as it formed from ideas from the mind based on suppressed expression as thoughts.

What came up at first is to be specific and ruthless. I have to be ruthless to expand and very specifically be aware how to be and how to manage it and why.
Awareness - not only conscious as conscious is logical but limited to it's starting point.

And also fascinating that I already have knowledge about these levels in this game but in fact I can not use it as in hard level the enemy is really stronger and those tactics what I've applied before means nothing and are flawed.

Also what I am aware of when I have to be hurry - I hold my breath up because of I have no simple idea of why, but probably of fear - and participating in the petrification of fear for the moment by obsessing myself with a picture and within that I stuck and I am not here as body as breath.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hold my breath up to participate within fear to stuck to see one picture within my mind - and it can be only one or severals at the same time but the basis is fear.

For instance to fear that I will loose these units or the commander will be hit strongly(and if dies - mission fails) or this unit wont be enough or things like that.
Also when I define that things happen too fast I can hold up my breath as only be conscious of the 'it's too fast'-ness.

Also what I am already aware of that I allow myself to think - even many thoughts I experience just from the 'other side of the river' - as I do these but I am not aware of it and I even do not remember - as this is just like a symbiotic with the act - as the act has became(the physical act) the thought directly - as I thing something and I do it and I think and do it - by enforcing myself to manifest my mind what was a good idea to be able to force myself to direct in situations when I can't express myself naturally.
For instance in 'intense' moments.

Hmm...
And in the game there is a lever which allows me to slow the game down or speed it up so the easyness can be called all the time - but
-there are situations when the slowing down wont hep as it already manifested(for instance too many units are coming to my base)
-the real-time-ness is extensicely reducing and it is a kind of cheat - as with a living human opposite - I can not do this - so I tend to not use this until it's necessary.
-when units are just waiting for build/repair/go and I am busy with others to give commands - the timeslowing comes very handy for a moment - I slow all down, send all to work and time goes on and all do what needs to do...


Hmm these points I can not deny anymore, and I use these stuffs as a gift to be aware of transcendence points what are here and why and how I've separated myself from my power trough participation within the mind to become this personality.
Because this personality is's been made up - no need and very artificial and quite limiting who I really am.


So let's write self rorgiveness specifically and ruthlessly on these points what I wrote...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not being aware that I accept and allow a thought.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I think.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize in the moment that I thought.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I think and then I do not remember for it and in the next moment I am not aware of that I was thinking - even when multiple 'thoughtchains' I 'did'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use thoughts as a wireframe to manifest my physical application by building the act within my head by thoughts before I start to act - as a program and then do it - or by thinking continously and constantly, like become obsessed, kind of whiping myslf by my thoughts to act out the actual step of the physical application.

(When I manage an attack against the enemy base in the game, I tend to use multiple kind of units, what are approaching the attack area from different paths - and is cool to 'make a plan' and program the attack totally and then just observe it, but this wont work in hard way(kind of the most similar to what is 'real') - so I grab a unit, or a group of it and give a command - to go or build or destroy something.
And when I do it - I can stuck in the thought of commanding the unit until I do not get feedback trough my physical eyes trough the screen that is just happened - I am repeating the command in my head - and it can be multiple points but at the same time it is one kind of act.
For instance: when something happens what I do not want: I repeat to command the unit to 'escape' by saying to 'no, no, no, this should not happen, and go, go, go, go, go" - instead of remain stable, calm, and just see what is here and what can be applied and when the conclusion is that this is lost, then not only see that this is lost, but why and how it happened - to actually not accept and allow it to happen again)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use computer game to escape from physical act of impacting as influecnce - because of defining it 'too real' and fearing to 'change it on my image and likeness' from the perspective of what will be the reaction of others or fearing from failure.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider about other's perception and when I am stating out that I do not care what others think - I do it to balance the fact that I care - because my starting point was to perceive myself trough other's perception because I had no own stable, 'trustable' perception of myself or even about others.
So the perception to perceive myself from the mirror of my acts based on what others react to me is quite logical but indicates one single point within myself: doubt.
I doubt within myself so I want to form myself according to my fears of others to conform to get feedbacks from others what are I've defined as positive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from doing bad things - this comes from childhood when parents or grownups could punish me if I did a mistake or even I did something what brought something up within them what they did not liked - and I have not allowed myself to realize that there is nothing to do with them personally, because they are showing up their own accepted and allowed behaviour.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from I repeat something extensively because then I could perceive myself as a robot - not realizing that if I define anything - I am already a robot.


another session---
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define warsounds as explosions, shoots define as loud and disturbing.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy the sound of the rocket, and becoming obsessed to call back this mind-picture of the sound of the rocket and when walking around in this existence, even hearing this sound around me - but in fact I hear the picture within my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate more likely witihin thinking than breathing when I have to solve a situation urgently.

Ok it became clear that I have a tendency to use polarity manifestation to manipulate me - for instance:
when I do something and I say: ok, this is not the best what I can do, but until I do, I open myself up, and see what I participate here - and then I do - and this would be quite effective, but within the participation I simply lose myself as the self-direction to be able to finally stop - and this is like - ok, I play this game, and I do not post this article until I do play with this game, just making it an example, as : ok I did this article and I stopped to play - but in fact I do not want to stop to play, so I do not post this article, just saving as a draft and when I stop to play the game, I will post it - but in fact I will play the game until I wont play out with all 3 kind on hard level, so it will be more 14 levels.
And trying to manipulate the outcome in order to be able to see as effective - because I am not experiencing this effectiveness...

Kind of messy if I at the moment have to say about, but the self-commitment I am here: whatever I do, I trust me and I walk trough it as me.
Fear of judgement, fear of other-s judgement or even fear of other-s suggestion about how I express to be able to realize what I have accepted and allowed: unacceptable.
push push push
pull pull pull
push push push

This is quite intense how I operate inside when I play with games - and the solution would be just like stop gaming - but I want to play, so if I want to play, I push me to stop inner movement while I play, and I am sure when I will stop think when I play, eventually I will stop to play.

And fascinating because what is necessary to not think while playing - self-will, self-motivation, self-discipline, breath and slow down inside and trust me and accept what is here.
So it is like an intense stimulation as simulation how I operate in real 3D.

Because for years I was able to calm and hypnotize myself with the fact - actually with the knowledge and a partial self-trust, that
-I can direct myself and I express here and I can do this,

but I could not stabilize this as a continous expression of me, so rather I found excuses and I found seemingly enough to be able do identify myself with this abiliy as 'I can do this' and justifying myself with other things such as "but first I do this and that" or "was not effective enough" - to simply not push myself trough my limits to explore how I could stabilize this expression...
Self definition of this world became me and I fear let go - and when I compound the energy, I breath trough until the energy is discharged and then
-I can state out, that I can break trough, so I can remain witihn my self-defined limits, because even if I accept and allow this shit, I can break trough when I decide
-I can remain to not face with the main transcendence points - what are called 'main' at this moment because I never faced those really or when I attempted, I 'failed' - such as remain inner silent more than some hours.

So interesting - it is still like a dam and when I open a tap, another taps open and then the dam is starting to flood and getting more and more intense and then I close the tap - hmm self definition - kind of wanting to enjoy myself but this myself is what I have defined and using myself as self expression to create this space within me what is not real but I make it real and when it starts to fall apart, I move and I recreate. Like the beaver, animal support?

So I wanted to write that I could do for some minutes - like I click, I direct, I express and I breath - so I move along, and I write self forgiveness and I write self-direction, I write self-scripting and I write what I experience.

Interesting because when I click, I direct, is looks like robot-like - but in fact this is really effective, and I called it robot-like because what I defined not robot like is the real robot-like - and for robots the non robots are robots.
Because for a robot - who is self-directive - looks like very determined, specified, directive, exact and effective - because I am here, I direct here what is here with and as myself and I express - I click as me, I direct units as me...
so the inner system is like a slow cache with random noise - but this random noise is like the previous version's codes are still here and processing....

So have to locate and eliminate the previous codeversions bz understanding and correcting the expression here without using that code and trusting myself to explore without pre-coding operation, breath by breath.

And it's interesting because I have vast knowledge and I do not use, and I do not believe, but when some days ago I realised that I never commited myself into something totally, absolutely, fully / this realizations changes me slowly but surely, because then the question comes, what if I do? What can I lose? I am here.
----

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define something what makes me fail to as impossible.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up something because I failed instead of trusting myself unconditionally and being honest with myself as what is this fail?
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become frustrated when too much I have to push on and the resources are limited - instead of realizing that I have manifested this situation by my self-defined limits and there is nothing to do with the already manifested situation but with myself - but who I am within this expression and am I really self-honest, do I have reactions inside?
I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to give up something because I have memory of that I could not do that in the past.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up something because I have multiple memories about multiple experiences when I apparently failed.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to push myself continously to my limits - and even when I am aware of myself, after allowing some thoughts and not applying physical changing application such as self forgiveness - then these 'some allowed thoughts' compound, reoccur and becoming stronger and causing another manifestations such as tirednes or feelings.
I forgive myself that I Have not realized that absolute standing means that I do not fall again from the perspective to stuck in the acception and allowance of the mind continously.
I forgive myself that I have tried to avoid the 'hard' situation in the strategy game by lowering the difficulty to normal and then defining that 'ok then I will go with this one more to prepare' instead of restart immediately and trusting myself - because I am sure that there is a way to make it done and it will be as self-trust as I made it done and that's all and move along.
I forgive myself to remain within my limited definition system especially when something conflict arises - instead of realizing the program and applying self-forgiveness, self-honesty, self-intimacy.