Using strategy game as forgiveness

Whatever I do, wherever I walk - I let myself to walk and any comes up - what is already here - I forgive - I forgive myself to react, I forgive myself to desire, I forgive myself to being pissed off, I forgive myself what I have accepted and allowed myself to became, to do, to stuck, to perceive, to want, every single point, without exclusion, without exception ruthlessly, specifically, continously, stabily here.

This point became very clear that everything can be forgiven for myself as myself and this is the key of my actual physical change to be able to remain inner silent to unify me in and as a single breath and remain stable as self-expression as all as me as equal.

So I've been quite busy with the computer game Supreme Commander, and it's second part, the Forged Alliance - and I've managed myself trough it on Easy level, on Normal level, and it became not challenge - and I did not get bored from it totally, but I will soon - so I just let myself to go trough it on Hard level and by this I am facing with several points what I did but not yet so extensively as on this way - because this is real hard.

As I start to write it: it becomes clear that this is just a transcendence point within myself - as I could simply deny this within me and avoid to not embrace at the moment - as I did some times with trying to avoid work to get money or even try to avoid to touch woman to probe that I do not need woman and by this defining this to me 'you see - you bear without it, so you are free of it' - but this indicates of the starting point of proving avoidance what does not gave me the stable natural 'freedom' of it - because if I deny - I resist and it persists.
The same with this game stuff - and this has already happened with drugs - I was really obsessed and I simply understood that the starting point to become so intimidated with drugs was to find out what is happening, what is going on and who I am...
And when I came to the conclusion to that I am here and I am applying myself to change myself in physical application and the tool is self-forgiveness, writing - I simply could put the drugs down - and also I did several cycles to 'get bored' on it and 'to understand that smoking for instance id death for me because gave me the strength of my thoughts what was really brainpusher for some times. Anyway I always knew that I I will put durgs down in a single minute when I decide - but I was not sure when will happen - and exactly one year ago this happened and it's ok, and interesting to observe druggy people, what reactions I accept and allow about this in the moment.
So this is just an overview about how I managed to change myself to actually stop drugs to be able to face with myself here.

And everything is equal and one with myself what I apply at the moment - there is no less important stuff, everything is not only connected but I am.
So these points come up in this game I embrace to physical application because the word virtual can be applied to anywhere - as my accepted and allowed behavior is already virtual as it formed from ideas from the mind based on suppressed expression as thoughts.

What came up at first is to be specific and ruthless. I have to be ruthless to expand and very specifically be aware how to be and how to manage it and why.
Awareness - not only conscious as conscious is logical but limited to it's starting point.

And also fascinating that I already have knowledge about these levels in this game but in fact I can not use it as in hard level the enemy is really stronger and those tactics what I've applied before means nothing and are flawed.

Also what I am aware of when I have to be hurry - I hold my breath up because of I have no simple idea of why, but probably of fear - and participating in the petrification of fear for the moment by obsessing myself with a picture and within that I stuck and I am not here as body as breath.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hold my breath up to participate within fear to stuck to see one picture within my mind - and it can be only one or severals at the same time but the basis is fear.

For instance to fear that I will loose these units or the commander will be hit strongly(and if dies - mission fails) or this unit wont be enough or things like that.
Also when I define that things happen too fast I can hold up my breath as only be conscious of the 'it's too fast'-ness.

Also what I am already aware of that I allow myself to think - even many thoughts I experience just from the 'other side of the river' - as I do these but I am not aware of it and I even do not remember - as this is just like a symbiotic with the act - as the act has became(the physical act) the thought directly - as I thing something and I do it and I think and do it - by enforcing myself to manifest my mind what was a good idea to be able to force myself to direct in situations when I can't express myself naturally.
For instance in 'intense' moments.

Hmm...
And in the game there is a lever which allows me to slow the game down or speed it up so the easyness can be called all the time - but
-there are situations when the slowing down wont hep as it already manifested(for instance too many units are coming to my base)
-the real-time-ness is extensicely reducing and it is a kind of cheat - as with a living human opposite - I can not do this - so I tend to not use this until it's necessary.
-when units are just waiting for build/repair/go and I am busy with others to give commands - the timeslowing comes very handy for a moment - I slow all down, send all to work and time goes on and all do what needs to do...


Hmm these points I can not deny anymore, and I use these stuffs as a gift to be aware of transcendence points what are here and why and how I've separated myself from my power trough participation within the mind to become this personality.
Because this personality is's been made up - no need and very artificial and quite limiting who I really am.


So let's write self rorgiveness specifically and ruthlessly on these points what I wrote...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not being aware that I accept and allow a thought.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I think.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize in the moment that I thought.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I think and then I do not remember for it and in the next moment I am not aware of that I was thinking - even when multiple 'thoughtchains' I 'did'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use thoughts as a wireframe to manifest my physical application by building the act within my head by thoughts before I start to act - as a program and then do it - or by thinking continously and constantly, like become obsessed, kind of whiping myslf by my thoughts to act out the actual step of the physical application.

(When I manage an attack against the enemy base in the game, I tend to use multiple kind of units, what are approaching the attack area from different paths - and is cool to 'make a plan' and program the attack totally and then just observe it, but this wont work in hard way(kind of the most similar to what is 'real') - so I grab a unit, or a group of it and give a command - to go or build or destroy something.
And when I do it - I can stuck in the thought of commanding the unit until I do not get feedback trough my physical eyes trough the screen that is just happened - I am repeating the command in my head - and it can be multiple points but at the same time it is one kind of act.
For instance: when something happens what I do not want: I repeat to command the unit to 'escape' by saying to 'no, no, no, this should not happen, and go, go, go, go, go" - instead of remain stable, calm, and just see what is here and what can be applied and when the conclusion is that this is lost, then not only see that this is lost, but why and how it happened - to actually not accept and allow it to happen again)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use computer game to escape from physical act of impacting as influecnce - because of defining it 'too real' and fearing to 'change it on my image and likeness' from the perspective of what will be the reaction of others or fearing from failure.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider about other's perception and when I am stating out that I do not care what others think - I do it to balance the fact that I care - because my starting point was to perceive myself trough other's perception because I had no own stable, 'trustable' perception of myself or even about others.
So the perception to perceive myself from the mirror of my acts based on what others react to me is quite logical but indicates one single point within myself: doubt.
I doubt within myself so I want to form myself according to my fears of others to conform to get feedbacks from others what are I've defined as positive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from doing bad things - this comes from childhood when parents or grownups could punish me if I did a mistake or even I did something what brought something up within them what they did not liked - and I have not allowed myself to realize that there is nothing to do with them personally, because they are showing up their own accepted and allowed behaviour.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from I repeat something extensively because then I could perceive myself as a robot - not realizing that if I define anything - I am already a robot.


another session---
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define warsounds as explosions, shoots define as loud and disturbing.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy the sound of the rocket, and becoming obsessed to call back this mind-picture of the sound of the rocket and when walking around in this existence, even hearing this sound around me - but in fact I hear the picture within my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate more likely witihin thinking than breathing when I have to solve a situation urgently.

Ok it became clear that I have a tendency to use polarity manifestation to manipulate me - for instance:
when I do something and I say: ok, this is not the best what I can do, but until I do, I open myself up, and see what I participate here - and then I do - and this would be quite effective, but within the participation I simply lose myself as the self-direction to be able to finally stop - and this is like - ok, I play this game, and I do not post this article until I do play with this game, just making it an example, as : ok I did this article and I stopped to play - but in fact I do not want to stop to play, so I do not post this article, just saving as a draft and when I stop to play the game, I will post it - but in fact I will play the game until I wont play out with all 3 kind on hard level, so it will be more 14 levels.
And trying to manipulate the outcome in order to be able to see as effective - because I am not experiencing this effectiveness...

Kind of messy if I at the moment have to say about, but the self-commitment I am here: whatever I do, I trust me and I walk trough it as me.
Fear of judgement, fear of other-s judgement or even fear of other-s suggestion about how I express to be able to realize what I have accepted and allowed: unacceptable.
push push push
pull pull pull
push push push

This is quite intense how I operate inside when I play with games - and the solution would be just like stop gaming - but I want to play, so if I want to play, I push me to stop inner movement while I play, and I am sure when I will stop think when I play, eventually I will stop to play.

And fascinating because what is necessary to not think while playing - self-will, self-motivation, self-discipline, breath and slow down inside and trust me and accept what is here.
So it is like an intense stimulation as simulation how I operate in real 3D.

Because for years I was able to calm and hypnotize myself with the fact - actually with the knowledge and a partial self-trust, that
-I can direct myself and I express here and I can do this,

but I could not stabilize this as a continous expression of me, so rather I found excuses and I found seemingly enough to be able do identify myself with this abiliy as 'I can do this' and justifying myself with other things such as "but first I do this and that" or "was not effective enough" - to simply not push myself trough my limits to explore how I could stabilize this expression...
Self definition of this world became me and I fear let go - and when I compound the energy, I breath trough until the energy is discharged and then
-I can state out, that I can break trough, so I can remain witihn my self-defined limits, because even if I accept and allow this shit, I can break trough when I decide
-I can remain to not face with the main transcendence points - what are called 'main' at this moment because I never faced those really or when I attempted, I 'failed' - such as remain inner silent more than some hours.

So interesting - it is still like a dam and when I open a tap, another taps open and then the dam is starting to flood and getting more and more intense and then I close the tap - hmm self definition - kind of wanting to enjoy myself but this myself is what I have defined and using myself as self expression to create this space within me what is not real but I make it real and when it starts to fall apart, I move and I recreate. Like the beaver, animal support?

So I wanted to write that I could do for some minutes - like I click, I direct, I express and I breath - so I move along, and I write self forgiveness and I write self-direction, I write self-scripting and I write what I experience.

Interesting because when I click, I direct, is looks like robot-like - but in fact this is really effective, and I called it robot-like because what I defined not robot like is the real robot-like - and for robots the non robots are robots.
Because for a robot - who is self-directive - looks like very determined, specified, directive, exact and effective - because I am here, I direct here what is here with and as myself and I express - I click as me, I direct units as me...
so the inner system is like a slow cache with random noise - but this random noise is like the previous version's codes are still here and processing....

So have to locate and eliminate the previous codeversions bz understanding and correcting the expression here without using that code and trusting myself to explore without pre-coding operation, breath by breath.

And it's interesting because I have vast knowledge and I do not use, and I do not believe, but when some days ago I realised that I never commited myself into something totally, absolutely, fully / this realizations changes me slowly but surely, because then the question comes, what if I do? What can I lose? I am here.
----

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define something what makes me fail to as impossible.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up something because I failed instead of trusting myself unconditionally and being honest with myself as what is this fail?
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become frustrated when too much I have to push on and the resources are limited - instead of realizing that I have manifested this situation by my self-defined limits and there is nothing to do with the already manifested situation but with myself - but who I am within this expression and am I really self-honest, do I have reactions inside?
I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to give up something because I have memory of that I could not do that in the past.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up something because I have multiple memories about multiple experiences when I apparently failed.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to push myself continously to my limits - and even when I am aware of myself, after allowing some thoughts and not applying physical changing application such as self forgiveness - then these 'some allowed thoughts' compound, reoccur and becoming stronger and causing another manifestations such as tirednes or feelings.
I forgive myself that I Have not realized that absolute standing means that I do not fall again from the perspective to stuck in the acception and allowance of the mind continously.
I forgive myself that I have tried to avoid the 'hard' situation in the strategy game by lowering the difficulty to normal and then defining that 'ok then I will go with this one more to prepare' instead of restart immediately and trusting myself - because I am sure that there is a way to make it done and it will be as self-trust as I made it done and that's all and move along.
I forgive myself to remain within my limited definition system especially when something conflict arises - instead of realizing the program and applying self-forgiveness, self-honesty, self-intimacy.

Embrace darkness

interesting situation

at one point I realized hmm I am not free, so let me be - so I started to fly - basically in the dark - and I've hit my head into the wall - and I fell...
After a while I re-tried it and the idea was like the more energy I jump and fly, more likely I can break trough, but in fact I've just managed bigger jumps and I've hit my head on the next level's wall - and I fell bigger...Hmm - then I smelled that OK, let's walk to the wall, and I started to touch, fondle, even lick this wall - I mean still in the dark, so I walk in the dark and I touch walls - but in fact common sense comes forth:

Why I do not see here? I mean I see only one thing - the thing that I do not see..
What is this wall what I even do not see just limits me?
So if I see only darkness, then probably I separated myself from darkness, to not see - or to see it, in real it is no matters - but at the moment I do not see the darkness, only it's definition as darkness. And I do not see that what is in the darkness, and I am in the darkness, so I even do not see myself and then the idea to see comes up and it comes in loops and builds up a desire to see myself - and then I do not see my darkness, and wanting to see just separates me from myself more, because I start to find temporally lights to use it's bursts to have a seeing - absolute separation. So this separation from my walls, and from my darkness makes me kind of blind - and the same stuff with the space and time - these are also the points what I've managed to separate myself from and then I am not even aware of space and time at the moment, only a tiny slice of it and the rest is this 'darkness'.

And then having the ability to use the memory as separate entity within myself what has been defined within my experiences using this light-burst seeings by saving these images and then bringing forth it again and again - and interesting to see how thoughts create light in the darkness -- but always with a beginning and an end - and meanwhile I am compromised, I am here as this conditional participation within this mind-light-path - what simply will end at the 'end' of it's conditional existence.

For instance this is a rude example: to denying that I have desire to someone to fullfill me for instance a girl who I defined with my thoughts as 'good enough' to have the ability to go into symbiotism with and as to support each other as the idea of 'whole' together.
And then this was an attempt to find out from my desire to see in the darkness and then I remember for this and then as the dishonesty as me does not make a change - this comes into habit and I am becoming obsessed with the idea of 'wanting to be with her' - and by this I am doing a compromise - it began - and it will go until then I will face with her or her response for it such as 'lol' or I will give up because it will take away too much attention without experiencing this wholeness so the condition what make this began as a habit of using this particular memory to define me and my expression will expire and I will face with myself again as 'incomplete'.
Or when eventually we could come together - after a while when other complicated conditions make me aware that 'this is not really completeness' - then I would give up - or she would give up the idea to 'wanting to be together' and then again I am alone with myself as myself.

Basically self-definition as picture within this picture-oriented existence makes the starting point really strong that I am tending to see only the pictures - or the memory of the pictures.
Even when I did not see a specific girl since one and half year - I have the memory about she is gorgious, bella, the manifested definition of beauty - I can't describe her face or body - just some ideas - because it is not even personally related with her - only with and as my definitions what myself has definied and grabbed and made to became precious - and using it as a totem, a sanctuary, as an idol what is really strange but this is what I've became trough the accepted and allowed participation within self-definitions as thoughts as pictures.
Because I did not see in the darkness of me and I I saw that if I participate within a specific thought-picture - for a moment I am this picture one and equal - and this moment made me express as this is who I am what I experience - - and this became constant - to participate within picture to not see that I am a darkness what I am not aware of.

What is in darkness when I walk in darkness - strange - even when I am aware of there is nothing on the floor, the steps become a bit unsure - because at the moment I can not use the picture of the 'empty floor' to perceive me that this actual step 'will be' 'all right'.

So this self-doubt to step onto something within the darkness what I've managed to stabilize and polarizing it by using memory-based pictures to be able to apparently walk.
But this walk is not only touch those small paths what my thought-pictures make me believe that 'all right' - and this limits me to explore within the darkness of myself as myself.
And by this I do not want to explore the darkness of me - but I want to bring the light of the mind of thoughts/pictures to everywhere to become sure that I 'see' everything in light.

And the common sense is to dare myself to walk in the dark alone and explore - and if I step onto something what makes me fall to the ground - then I will be aware of it and I stand up and walk...And being sure that within that moment I do not create a self-definition picture/thought to avoid this 'stepping onto this obsticle. Because in the darkness I am of darkness, I am what is in and as this darkness - so this obscticle is me - and I fall by me and I stand up by and as me and any separation is just a conditional attempt to avoid this specific facing as awareness of myself.

Embrace darkness
Embrace solitude
Embrace myself as darkness as solitude
Embrace myself as darkness as solitude as breath
Embrace my experience as myself as breath as one as equal

And when I define that how I do not define - it is the same - it is not awareness but suppression and diverting - for instance when I define that how cool that I did not participate within sexual desire physically for a while - - this definition is the same - and I try to separate myself from this 'stopping participation within desire' - it is a separate entity from me and at the moment I define this as separated from me - I am not directing it as me as one as equal - and in fact I realize at the moment that this was just a sneaky self-deception to be able to define myself as 'cool' but in fact nothing really changed in physical application because then I just simply become aroused by participation within pictures because

I defined that I did not participate within this - to be able to define that 'I am transcending it' - and then kind of lying to myself that I am aware of if and I 'won' so then I am not even aware of it - and it just happens -- and I can not blame myself only from the perspective that 'shit, it happened, blame blame' but not like 'I was not aware of it' - but in fact this was happened: I was not aware of it - only defined that I was aware.

So when I define that I am aware of something - because I am simply not aware of but for this moment I can be delusional about myself by participation within this thought/picture that 'I am aware' or 'I have transcended'.

Self as forgiveness, self is forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give a meaning for the 4:44 when I sit down to the computer and I see this date on the clock.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give a speciality for those numbers what are built up by the same digits to guessing that this has a special meaning something profound or I am 'on a good way'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to seek outside synchronicities to define something about 'my way' to be able to state that 'everything is allright' or 'this is a special moment' - not realizing that this is just simply bullshit: the clock goes forward and there are the numbers as 4:43 and after the 4:44 and there is after the 4:45 and it is just numbers - the meaning what I gave is whatever I want to believe - it's delusional.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give a meaning in any way whatsoever - not realizing that the mind gives synchronicity points to itself to react on a specific way regularly/in cycles to simply always make me to react on a specific way to remain infinitely slave of my own accepted and allowed expression as thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek 'positive feedbacks' outside from me to make myself confident and trusted within the system about 'everything is all right' instead of realizing that this signifies that I do not trust myself here only myself constantly but I tend to find points to stabilize myself by my definitions outside from me - not seeing that I was who defined these points by fear and self-doubt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek reactions within me what are has been defined by myself as 'positive reactions' such as others are seeking for me or want to have my phone number to define it as 'I am important/I am somebody' - not realizing that this is deception and conformism and signifies that I do not trust myself unconditionally here constantly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to become aroused from the fact that I wake up in the morning about some sticky wet stuff came out from my genitals - not remaining undefined and wanting to find an excuse to feed off sexual system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have sex to release my emotional compounded suppression on a simple way to be able to remain the exact same reaction memory-based personality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as sleepy when I sleep less than 4 hours.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the typing and screen when typing this self-forgiveness by defining that this is 'there' and I am here instead of realizing that I am here as my expression as one as equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate my exgirlfriend's mind on a way what she can't perceive because of her dishonesty what she didn't realized yet instead of support her as me as one as equal to show her and my accepted and allowed nature and correct myself as moment as self-corrective application as actual change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not write every day and when I write I just flow out just like zapping out the compounded stuff what I have not allowed to express momentary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not being aware that I manipulate beings on a way what they do not see or understand or be aware because their self-deception and by seeing this dishonesty within me but not changing and using this to get profit by managing them to act on the way what I would like - this is separation, control, manipulation, not one and equal expression in and as the moment - as the words indicate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to control others in anyway whatsoever because I have no control over me because I allowed myself to being controlled by my accepted and allowed dishonesty as inner reactions on my own self-definitions and to be able to propose or perceive myself as who is not lost - to have the 'visual/perception' of the control I 'gained' on others to define it that 'I am in control'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as tired when I experience this dizzyness/swampyness/numnbness/unawaredness - instead of realizing that I am simply not here as breath as moment and I am here as thoughts/emotions/feelings what means I give my power away to the holographic illusionaric systematic experience to apparently live instead of me being and experiencing and expressing myself here as in oneness and equality with and as the moment as all as me as one as equal as the breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to close myself from people by stating out/defining that 'they are dishonest anyway, sho why should I meet' instead of realizing that I try to separate myself from that part what I defined as I separated myself from such as 'others' - to not want to face to specific part of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have control over events and circumstances instead of being always here and simply express myself here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have a relationship just beacause I defined it on a 'stable way to not want to think about sex, because I can do it without striving' and than I can expressz myself freely without the urge to spend time to 'find a way to have sex'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to sex.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to how beautiful womam I could have sex with - not even the fact that I 'have/had' but the possibility itself as perceived power.

This showed up three points: time/power/sex triangle.

So the fear from not having enough time to get the power but with sex I could have. lol

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not having enough time to 'get what I want' or to experience what I desire - instead of realizing that I am here and I am separated myself from my power as my presence as my totality as moment and I defined it conditionally and by this I became the slave of the illusionaric choice of CONdition.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that if I seek after power - I wont find it or it will be conditional as illusionaric because my presence as my totality is my power as self-expression what I want and it can be only here when I am absolute self-honest with myself and I will myself and direct and motivate myself as who I really am as life in oneness and equality as breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define to have sex as power - because than I equated the disturbing emotional systematic behaviour's frictions by regularly charging out instead of realizing the dishonesty to actually change and eventually STOP to not being slave of this release.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define sex separatedly from me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define sex as joy separated from me.

I forgive myself that I associate to the sunlight when I look up to the spotlight with closed eyes and wanting to experience the beach with sunlight - instead of realizing that if I really would want it, that I should go there or seeing the dishonesty within me why I want to be 'there' instead of realizing that I am here(or both).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define that I prefer hot beach and define it 'best place' because of my memories and definitions about beach.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define beach as beautiful and define that if I am at the beach than I do not have to do anything and I can enjoy the beach - instead of enjoying myself as breath in every single moment regardless to where I am.

I forgive myself that I want to 'have the experience' at the moment of 'that's it, that's all I am empty of thoughts and emotions' - signifying that I want it because I can't experience because of the ongoing inner reactions what I can't (or I do not want to) direct so that's why desire arises as a hope).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the feelings as thought information systems flowing around within my body around my solar plexus and defining it intense and defining it pleasant - instead of realizing that when I experience this - I am separated from what is here and I am unaware of what is here and this simply means I am not totally here.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be aware/be self-intimidated of what these emotions/feelings mean in and just re-experiencing with the excuse that 'I don't know' what these means, so anyway I do some phisical divertion from it to try to avoid it by hoping that will help to stop it or not coming back - simply bullshiting instead of be here and open myself and realize what is here - especially what specific thoughts I allowed just before I experience this emotions/feelings circulating within my trunk.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that I automatically react to specific words by the relationship what I built up between words and this systematic association network does this emotion/feeling system because as I use words - the 'definition trees' what are hanging on the words are also 'loaded up' and this flows within my human physical body and make this perception of inner separation without even being aware that simply I do it just before I experience.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to remain inner silent just to not be aware what I experienced before using this as an excuse to actually not realize what I accept and allow continously to be self-honest to actually change as STOP.

no tit lee

Self-dear-action

Interesting what I experience - in the last year I stopped to take psychedelic stuffs such as acid, mushroom, ganja etc - and what I experienced with these - I was kind of tuned onto something and when I realised their limits, I did put down these 'tools' - because I separated myself from these, and in fact I separated myself from myself by these - yet I could explore myself more intensely than before - and it has a polarity as everything what comes from the mind - and I enjoyed myself extensively as being conscious! or being aware of things around me, extensively I pronounce the music.
And in the last year I totally stopped this and I was like this is related to drugs, and then yesterday at the first time since looong loong ago, I had nothing to do, I was just on the bed to take a nap and it happened so fastly, even I was about to rest more, but then I was awake and I listened the music what I put in - and I just listened - and I had nowhere to rush inside of me, and I allowed myself just enjoy what is here as music as me and it was extensive! Even I was like on acid - I heard all parts of the music, and in fact I experienced the music inside of me as me - interesting exploration - this is kind of not even a 'hearing'.

And I experienced this many many many times before, and I was totally forgot what kind of experience is this, and yesterday many stuff just I became aware about, especially that everything is here as me - and I 'wanted to throw out' these experiences/experiments about psychedelics - and it is not possible - and this is a real gift of me as me to be here as joy as awareness and I was naturally ROFLing about how cool the music within and as me.

Ok but this is not the whole story, as I have really flat sound nearfield studio monitor speakers with specific amplifier what makes the sound just awesome - and the music!
Peace orchestra I've listened this many many times before with acid and this was kind of similar experience, BUT - without anything, without anything what made my mind glow - and of course people said to me - "Hey Tala, you took too much, you've managed yourself to remain high, that's why you don't take anymore..." Hmm if the 'highness' could mean that I found myself here and the seekness makes me to be not here than when I just accept myself here and enjoy whatever I experience, then this is it...

Self-direction - what this means for me at the moment?
This means that I move - and I direct myself and I act and whatever I do - I do not define - I do not separate it from myself anymore - of if I find that I still do - then self-direction means to stop this definition-based self-definition-kind expression(what is in fact suppression) - and applying self-forgiveness is self-direction when naturally, absolutely, momentary it is here as me as one as equal.
And I direct myself and I express who I am at the moment - whatever it means - the meaning is just that I am expression and I explore and I influence and I am here.

So I am preparing myself to write a book about my drug experiences, and this is self-direction. And I continue to translate some articles, the 'origin of self' is about 1/3 and I will continue the Structural resonance articles. This is a great support and I explore my communication skills.
And I realised that in hungarian I can't even express myself according to the process of self-realisation because I've never heard, the english words are coming up when I say - and this can be a real stabilization and support to translate.

And I really want to make videos, especially videoclips without using text layers to be able to express myself with sound and movies only and I direct myself to not start multiple 'projects', only doing one at a time - and this is looks like a bit 'slow', because I have accepted and allowed myself to do multiple things all the time and mostly I did not finished these, so I want to direct myself to do one and then move on to the next one - to develop discipline, to develop trust, to develop focus.
The new one is about one minute from four and I enjoy it extensively and will continue until it's finished.

What came up recently, that I dreamed about a girl, and it repeated, the dream was different but the starting point of the dream about this girl was the same, and in fact I started to being attracted to this girl one and half year ago but I just stepped out of this scene because of my fears and my inhibitions and my suppressions - and she had a boyfriend and I did not wanted to mess up things and I simply stopped to meet with her and also at this times I had the kind of 'command to me from me' about 'I do not need girlfriend' - and this was because I did not wanted to face with myself as myself what I already accepted and allowed within and as myself as desire as self-doubt and the desire to control, manipulate, get attention and positive feedbacks to be able to react to get trust indirectly, conditionally and of course divert my attention from myself to an apparently beautiful being who respects me with her precious attention, care, love etc.
And this was real bullshit and also I knew that this is kind of stinky, because until that point I got some experiences, memories about this kinf or 'relationships from several girls.
So I was unsure and I was like 'it's better to not mess up with the beehive'.

And about 6 weeks before I dreamed with her and I was like ok, this could mean anything, and maybe I write to ther to meet, but then I did not.
And then when I dreamed again with her, it was more obvious that I have unfinished business with her - and there is nothing to do with her personally, because it is showing my nature what I have accepted and allowed within myself.

And I wrote to her simply to face with this physically and anyway anything can happen, except that I go into a relationship - because I am aware that is of mindfuck.
So I will meet with her and she wrote that she has some exams and then we will meet, and I am facing with the mind-work to 'think about this or her' and then I stop this bullshiting, because it is not real. But what is more important to not just stop the thinking about her at the moment, but to see what is of the starting point, and the actual reason of why I 'went into this'. And then applying self forgiveness specificly and then to not follow this pattern. Or if yes - this can bring me 'more deeper' or indicates that my self forgiveness was not real from the perspective of being one and equal with and as me as applying as actual change.

So it looks fun to face with this and not fight agains myself, more likely then 'hmm let's see and then express and direct and change.
And after that some faces - those who I referred before as 'friends' - said to me that they met with her and she is totally kind of lost and would be cool that I meet with her anyway.

So if this will happen, I do not let myself to bullshiting, so I prepare myself: examining the definitions and opinions about her what I accepted and allowed to form and participate and maintain and broadcast - what are simply just of memory and would determine myself according to her what is unacceptable.

I defined her as beautiful, really awesome gorgious kind of perfect shaped, faced girl.
And by polarizing I defined her as silly, childish, unmature and naive.
And then to polarize this too, I defined this as cool but I defined this that I could not bear her for a long time, because she can 'miaouwww' all the time what makes many people tired but for short burst I enjoyed it extensively, especially when she did this kind of 'miaooouw' expression toward me.

So this unfolds much, but I go more...
I met with her in a buddhist camp, and she does meditation quite much but not really an 'ironheaded' one than other guys who I know(and in fact these all have built up a polarity about not to be aware and 'having' an obsession with another stuff to equalize this intention to get enlightened...anyway...)
We once ate magic mushroom with other 2 persons and we enjoyed ourselves quite much, we slept outside on the balcony and enjoyed to sleep 4 of us to sleep together and she slept on my side and her feet was on my feet totally because she felt cold and I enjoyed it but I did not allowed myself to enjoy this totally because she had boyfriend and anyway it was not sexual stuff, more likely an innocence expression. And in that time I was possessed to want to with an another girl and my mind was about that girl, but in fact I liked this one more likely but I gave up because she had friend already.
So this was cool experience and one more when we met was about we went into museum to see inca exhbibition and we enjoyed together and I enjoyed that she is so joyful and she could laugh so much that she had to sit on the ground and people just looked and I enjoyed that she can express herself. There were some more occasions when we met but after a while we did a gmail chat and she asked about do I miss her and I said no, but in fact yes and I said to her that 'your boyfriend who should miss you, what you have, so I can't and I was speaking about trance to divert the topic.
And she always wanted me to 'take her to goaparty' and I did not do, but also I wanted.

So if I am aware of these dishonesties and apply self-forgiveness about this, I wont fall into the same mindtrap what I did several times.

First of all to become obsessed with the picture presentation of her body, face, eyes etc.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my human physical eyes to see the pictures of the girl, not realising that for my human physical eyes can only see what my mind can see, based on memory and self-definitions what are projected to outside.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tend to follow and wanting to see only pictures what I judged as 'beautiful', 'nice' to divert my attention from myself who I judged as 'not so nice', 'ugly', 'mediocrate' etc.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the pictures what I see in the mirror or directly from my eyes on my head.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define G as beautiful, nice, marvellous, gorgious, just because of my definitions match with her picture presentation of her mind consciousness system. In this case the one mind consciousness system looks at an another mind consciousness system and here is no life at all as awareness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define her expressions as childish, naive just because I judged children as this and I judged myself that I am uncapable to express myself so naturally and I defined this childish - indicating that I am not child anymore as I am not expressing myself as this, and even I defined this as 'not desireable', but not totally, only sometimes.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that I seek the childishness within her because I defined that I lost this within me and to 'get back' I want to be her because then when I am with her - I can be like this as her.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to become childish by a condition - instead of realizing that I am already here as child - so stop wanting and push myself trough my limits based on memory and locked by fear and express and express and express here constantly, continously.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be with her and desire to have sex with her and to touch and see her and have her because then I am more with her than without - indicating that I define and experience myself as hollow as not total and this is why I want her to get the idea of perceived totality what I could not find, experience alone here, just because of the self-definied self-separation by desire, by self-doubt, self-pity, self-defeat.

This is a cool gift to be aware why I could desire this girl, because then I can be free of my desire.
So this point I will return again and again and again until it's not totally clearly here as me as one as equal and then when we meet I am here and I direct myself here and I assist myself and her as one as equal to not mindfuck anymore.

Perspective

Perspective
Per spect (at) I've

Unusual casual un-arousal carousel

The living words

Welcome to Wordistan!

So when I move - mostly phisically for instance around people on street - I walk - I am walk.
I breath and I walk and I am breath as walk as I am walk as breath.
What I experience - that I am actually aware that I am mostly stuck at a point - and the interesting part is of this when this 'stuck-ness' changes - mostly attention divertion from one point to another - and while I am defining myself as what I am defining - a kind of inner law-enforcement system what determines what to determine - it determines when is time to change the 'subject of what I stuck'.
Simply it is a thought - when I dishwass that can happen:
I remember for something, it can be barely anything and then I just repeat it constantly continously - for instance when I saw George Carlin's video about 'stuffz' - while I diswashed - I repeated this word about a hundred times! Really like a nasty robot what has some failed diodes. It is like I repeat and I do something. And repeating it so strongly, and then sometimes a variation goes, as remembering how Carlin said : 'TOO MUCH STUFF' - and then I repeat this for a couple of times and then just things like that - and after a while it happens as I understand what I do - and I jump over to an 'another memory of Carlin's show' - just like the 'They want to show you the pictures, of these gargoyles' - or an another what happened many times: 'It's all bullshit, folks, and it's bad for ya!'.

I am not sure, that I did this before, but at this moment it can happen - and it is like my accepted and allowed nature almost instantly manifests - first in my head - no supression or not so strong so thoughts are arising constantly - and I am not here...and I am doing what I do phisically - just diswashing or repairing a tool or any like this and I am totally not here just repeating these thoughts. And it is way too intense to be able to desrcribe but I can tell that this is nearly insane.
Obviously I am possessed with my own mind by and actually AS my acceptance and allowance, until I STOP.
The self-definition what I became - not even self I am only self-definition system I became.

Ok--- I realised I did this before, especially when acidtrips I had alone - probably I did the same when I was kid -- fear.

Expression I am - and when I judge - I can judge the judgement to justify the justification.
And actually I want to stop but first I allow myself to logically explain with the language of programming by words to how and why to stop and then I am freezed because I realise that I stuck in a loop and then I do some 'circles' and then 'SHIT' stand up and I literally just realize what I do and simply I start to act - and in fact then I do not think over, I just do - and I can experience for instance for some cases I start to act to actually escape from self-definition - and this is not who I really am - as I accept and allow a starting point of action-reaction as consciousness system. It is unacceptable, complicated and very very unpractical - as it always has a 'wheelup/warmup' time.
Because I start to act immediately when the frustration and supression reaches it's level when I programmed myself to act immediately - but until that I really need to do this to be able to act - and by this I am the slave of my own polarity - of my own creation what is my limitation and I became.

Also I rewatched porn to see my reactions and I got aroused and I did it again but I did not masturbated, but I became 'wet' and then I realised what I do - and also at one time while I watched this - I observed what is here and this is what I wrote:



"Looks like I react to perceived other's reactions...
what are basically has to be within me to be able to even recognise, and then react.
So seeking other's reactions: I seek my reactions arising to other's reactions - what are already within me but 'alone' I can't experience them because I want to experience this relationship indirectly with my defined reactions to perceived(by defined) other's reactions - to validate it's realness, finally my realness - because in fact I am not real only this relationship and it is not real.
So all the time about this and no need to see directly how excactly it is here - but indirectly is not so obvious that I am delusioning myself about this whole 'way of life' is but an illusion."


Hmm a bit foggy, but the meaning of this is like I define myself according my reactions to my own definitions - based on my other definitions what are used to define reactions.

So I define the picture-based existence based my own reactions - what are also based on my reactions, only on a different level.

Multi-leveled definition-reaction system.


Self-forgiveness-----

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from words.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be aware of what thoughts I allow - and compounding it for a level until it is obviously overwhelming.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the thoughts will stop if I do say 'STOP' and then diverting my attention to breath - this is separation - I am already breath - I am already here.
Diverting attention to here is not possible - because what is here can not be attended - can not be attained, it is common sense - because I am actually phisically here, and my attention is an indication that I am working on and as what is not here - what is not who I really am, what is not real.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stuck in a single thought - simply those thoughts I can stuck what I reacted - positive, negative all are the same - so when I defined something as really good or really bad - it comes back to smack into my head and I am experiencing until I do not let it go by realizing that is not who I am, that is not necessary to define myself by and as this to actually express myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to express myself as I just momentary am here to simply LIVE as self-expression, because of fearing of other's judgement and fear from being outcasted or rejected. These are past'based mind-carvings what are not necessary anymore - because I am here as life as breath as one as equal as all in oneness and equality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to being aroused to the picture of sexual content such as pussy, dick, clit or the sound of of screaming a woman.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to supress my sexual desire - because I judged as nasty, and I judged as my drug and I judged it as not so 'profound' and I judged it as 'makes me tired' and 'I can be possessed on it if I let it happen' - so basically fearing from being stuck in sex - so I simply escaped from this, and I defined myself 'good when I do not need sex' - to polarize the desire and judging it ad bad and at the same time judging 'to not have sex' as good.

Yes this is an usual human-excuse - as I have this shit, I fight against it, but when I lose, 'hey I am only a human', everyone needs desire, sex. Self-definition, self-defeat, self-pity. Bullshit, and it's bad for ya. LOL

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that I everything is here - simply I am here and I apply myself constantly and continously here with me as me as breath as expression and live the words what I speak as one as equal as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define Carlin as good - instead of realising that I judge him about he could express himself, even about shit, especially about he do not take shit, and I did not this because I was freaky, coward or self-doubtful and too tricky to want to be the nice guy more likely than who kick asses.
But in fact it is unacceptable. I can't take shit anymore, especially total mind-bullshit.

Of course also is to be aware to not attack any sentient being, because they are all reflecting me back trough my self-defined self-existence as one as equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put a girl's picture into my mind's podium about the good relationship's target she could be and then becoming totally possessed and not be able to experience what is here - and want to have to meet with my own definitions what are based on previous definitions, such as cute, beautiful or optimal or love or support.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire for have sex but at the same time not wanting to do it because then it would be obvious what I desire for - and I defined myself trough and as this polarity of resitance/fight winning, losing and without it I could not define myself according to the self-definitions about me based on past.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that the mind is taking samples from those moments when there were 'peaks' of reactions such as 'emotions'/'feelings'/'thoughts' and the apostrophes are indications of it can be various kind of subject but their nature are the same - self-defined mind-picture-based sound-vibrational frequency samples.
This is again looks like the fuzzy logic control system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as pervert just because I saw sexual videos on internet.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define others as pervert just because they are expressing themselves just like they are really obsessed with sexual behaviour. I mean behaviour because it is commonly not self-expression - doing this and that and that's all - and everyone are rushing after the energetic lifting and the release.
So profound, so hollow.

Bitter dark raw straight intense stable

These words are me - but I defined these based on other definitions - to separate myself from these words, to simply associate to things and then reacting on a self-programmed way - but in fact I supressed these expressions because I had 'kind of' problems with these.

This awareness is quite interesting - a kind of below the conscious 'mode' - as I am not even conscious about what I write - no prediction - but yet it continous and not totally nutty insanity - and I am expressing myself and I am just typing and I am here as the words on this screen, and when autosaves, I am here on the blog server, I am here on the blogpost, and in fact I am here as the keyboard, and I am here as the music I hear(Amon tobin) and I am here as the intense spotlight what is shining upon me and in fact I am here as everything what I do not define yet I experience.
This is what I allow to stop by facing with some shit from past and I supress it or I stop to express myself, because:

- I want to define what came up - not realising that I already defined this, that's why it came up based on a condition
- I want to define what came up, because I want to examine to decide it is 'good enough' or not and then by defining it as good I sink into my positive reactions - or when defining as bad then re-examining from an another perspective or experiencing reactions and I stop express myself and going inside, supressing, etc etc
- I want to define because I want to remember for this, about 'hey I am aware' - but when I judge it - I already lost my expression as simply undefined moment.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not being good enough - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself from being judged about I am not good enough. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even consider myself about I am good enough or not. Common sense. Good enough for what? For me? Self-defnition - obvious mind-fuck, not real. For others? Obvious mind-fuck - compromise, self-doubt, separation. STOP.

Mails with a orto doxy

I wrote to him about he blamed desteni about some scriptures and I wrote to this video about the bible is a lie and come on be self-honest...and he wrote this privately:

The Commmunists want you to believe the Bible is a lie. But history proves to the contrary. Look at all the fulfilled prophecies. The Bible and Christianity has produced countless thousands of saints. It can't possibly be a lie. You don't have enough information my friend.

So I wrote one letter to him what I share here.

------

Haven't you seen the Matrix movies?

"Morpheus, the prophecy was a lie. Just an another part of the control."

An when the war rages in the world around you --- you can only use these scriptures to wipe your freaky ass when the god(as the order of money) will cleanse that land where you "live" -
and until that showing to yourself that you are powerless, beLIEver who can't take responsibility at all and still hoping and waiting to an other saint who will bless and save from the hunger and poverty and poison and bombs?

What about those 35 000 odd children who are dying each day just because of the god of man is good - I mean COMMON SENSE - spiritual,godritual, all are the same :
doing small unsignifcant grey steps every day in the shadow of an illusoric fairytale what obviously wrote by those who wanted the sheeps to comply in order to remain in power.

Have you seen the ZEITGEIST? Or George Carlin?
This word communists wont enough to hide behind of belief-systems...
Muslim hindu buddhu CRYstian are exactly the same just the picture different - the same mind consciousness system is operating by program just using different pictures...

What means to be human I mean even the animals are more aware than those who are waiting for a saiver...
Ah and why don't you become a "saint" then simply smoothly and then be THE savior?
Because if you would dare to attemt - you woluld realise the stupidity and the unrealistic way of your behavior and faith...

and it is not about information, I did my own research some years ago, I read all what is related to past to realize - all are lies - always the winners of wars wrote the scriptures, come on...it is just about power...and information or knowledge is totally useless, as books wont save you when it is time to ACT - to EXPRESS, to LIVE, to CHANGE...information, knowledge just an excuse to not be free, only to do what is told to do as right to escape from the fear from being wrong...look all as one, not only particles

BE SELF-honest - trust yourself first - not in another's words
BE SELF-responsible - take your own shit to deal with
BE SELF-forgiveness - to forgive YOU what you accept and allow to BE AWARE to CHANGE

BE GOD for your sake and for all's sake as one as equal...
But in fact by your definitions you just separate yourself from the idea of god - so please examine yourself first - who you really are - at this moment - as that moment - in all moments - because inevitably the fact that you are actually HERE - and this is not only the physical location, I mean the real meaning who you really are: look at the words : I AM HERE.
I am what is here - I am all what is here. I am all - I am here.
This is common sense - so you are everything already - just need to unify, realize, let go of self-doubt, self-pity, self-hatred by memory - the past determined you to be who you are at this moment - so please open up your past and be self-honest, self-intimidated to re-experience those moments when you decided you to be who you are HERE - when you defined yourself as rely go ous? and why ? What were the starting point? I mean of course of fear and self-doubt, but you have to be very specific to pinpoint - and then you can realise you wanted to escape from yourself and projected this shit out of you - and it created a polarity - so you started to trust in something to rely on - bigger what can say to you what to do - and of course the @god@ story is good bullshit story because it is obviously can not be proven - I know this way as I did the same with buddha - I really understand this way of 'living' yes, I was full of shit but in fact

it is unacceptable - not anymore - we have to stand up as all as self as equal - not only for myself, for family, for friends, for little community, but for all of life - and this is what we are going and that's why we do not take bullshit and this is why so funny when religious people write to desteni about blablablablabla - not realizing that they are actually showing up their own accepted and allowed nature - how much resistance you have how much you have to go further to be self-honest to give up this one point of separation what separates you from you as all life?

I mean please -

start dig your past beacuse this is what made to you who you are - and there is no any excuse to play stupid - because if you do so : you are just stupid.


And one more about demons - you are actually a mind demon, no more - as if you stuck in a single point of thought - such as religion or exorcism or stg like this - you are possessed with this and obsessed and as you always were definition system - can't stop define yourself as others and then you define yourself as this 'religious outstander' and then you are a demon - because demon is not a red bloody monster - a demon who is lost within it's illusionaric reality.

The god what is here as physically - governments, taxes, money, war, rape, murder - those are the main points of the actual god of man. This is what has to fall - and will fall oh yes, just look at the current stage of the systems - if you start research - it is common sense as it is already falling - and no god, no savior, no saint will come to save us all - because it is inevitable, because it is what we as all humanity already created.

enjoy
be SELF-HONEST,

tala as life as desteni as all as equal

Self forgiveness: thinking

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that with thoughts I can understand how things are.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I think, I can figure out what is happening.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I am thinking, I can actually solve the situation only by jumping from thought to thought - believing that there is a 'final thought' what could be the solution.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that by thinking I can not escape from what is here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when I am thinking, actually I am helping myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to thinking, and 'using' this participation when I do not want to face with and as myself as all as me as one as equal here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that with thinking I can protect myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe, to think that I have to protect myself - instead of realising that a definition system as personality what I want to protect to not have to face with the fact that is of delusion as dishonesty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to divert my attention with thinking from what is actually here as breath as body as physical.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust in my thoughts to blindly follow to do what are saying - instead of realising that is of dishonesty, of separation of mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to choose to think instead of breath here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that thinking is helpful.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to become addicted to thinking.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that thinking is a possible way to defend and express myself when I am incapable of doing this phisically, especially in a situation when confrontating with others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when I confront with a person that I am confronting with this being personally, instead of realizing that I am confrontating myself with my own mind-definition.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that I as mind see only what I defined - that's why I wanted to define everything and that's why I see only my definitions only.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust in my definitions.

Stop fighting

No need to fight - this is the point what looks fine at this moment.
Many happens but in fact this realisation came up several times - was like a thought - but then was like a moment as like a circle ark - like here is this situation and I am exploring and just experiencing this fact - that I do not fight and I do not fight - and I do not fear of loss as inferior because of the perceived win/defeat by definitions - this god of man article is very assisting - the self-forgiveness points and the self-corrective assistance in writing and the assesments...
So this is like I am in the situation and no need to avoid, no need to deny, no need to control, because no need to fight - and I can not be harmed as who I really am as life as breath.
Very cool and exploring that to in this moment that I am breathing and that's it...I mean this is it...I breath and I mean it and I am breath...
Some moments came up - as some situations what were like before I fell into schemes to control or avoid - such as meeting with a crazy drunk who talks to me or facing with several girls at company and no need to control or show up to be able to manipulate or defend - just I am here and totally free of definitions and then this is cool...

the self-forgiveness points what assisted me much; I write here:

Self-forgiveness: fight.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that if I attempt to fight against something, I create resistance and in that resistance I will lose, because I am making the statement that I need to fight against that which I believe is more than me.
And thus will manifest as 'that which is I believe is more than me' 'having power over me' - against which I will loose.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'play the game' of 'win/loose' in the manifested participation of me in a conflicting/confrontational situation/event, which in essence is a game of 'win/lose' as a game of 'inferiority/superiority'.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that such conflicting/confrontational situation/event is revealing/showing my true nature as what I accept and allow myself to exists as.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that I can only exist in the manifested expression of as defence if I believe that there is something of me that is being 'threatened'.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that the only manifestation within me, of me, that can experience being 'threatened' in a confrontational/conflicting situation/event is a personality-design of mind consisting of and existing as a self-definition, that a definition of me is being 'attacked' and 'threatened' which I believed I must defend.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that I'm actually attempting to/trying to 'fight myself', therefore I will experience loss, because it's impossible to 'fight myself'.
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And it looks like that if I even consider about 'fight' for instance 'heey, I do not fight' - then it is like I realize that I forgot to fight or I simply gave up fighting or I simply direct myself and not allow to participate within past definition-defense-mode; because it is obviously dishonesty, or it is quite directed to the 'edge' to not even 'having' any other choice - if was so - then laughing can emerge because simplicity I am and how fool I can be to attempt to avoid to stop this shit in and as one breath.

I watched Carlin's 70years old show yesterday night and enjoyed it extensively and today saw this Carlin's article about 'the real holy shit'.