Ön-őszinteség, mint ön-megbocsátás, mint ITT vagyok.

Legnagyobb bátorság: önmagam lenni mindig és ezt nem csak látni, hanem ezt be is bizonyítani magamnak - egyszerűen pillanatról pillanatra - s addig bizonyítani, amíg állandó nem vagyok - állandóan én - nem kevesebb, nem több, mint aki valóban vagyok.

Itt vagyok - ez nem az elhelyezkedésem, ez az, hogy ki is vagyok valójában.

Én ITT vagyok.

Egy és egyenlő vagyok magammal. Józan ész.
Hogy lehetnék nem egy azzal, aki vagyok? Ez nem egy feltétel, ez nem egy választás, az, hogy Én én vagyok. Ez az örök megváltozhatatlan tény. Elfogadni magam. Én én vagyok.

Mindig egyenlő vagyok azzal, amivé váltam éppen. Mivel vagyok éppen egyenlő - azzal ami ITT van - ami itt van, az vagyok én. S a kérdés jogos? Valóban az vagyok, aki éppen most ITT vagyok? Specifikusan minden egyes rezdülésem, a pillanatom, a perceim, a napom, az éveim. Ez vagyok éppen most. Ezzel vagyok egy és egyenlő.
Ez nem egy választás, ez egy tény. Ez a józan ész.
Ezt lehet elfogadni, és lehet nem elfogadni. Ezzel lehet szembenézni és ezt lehet kerülni.
Ez mind választás kérdése, és ez az intimitás. Ez az intimitás az ami valójában én vagyok. Ez az az intimitás, amivel éppen egy és egyenlő vagyok mutatja, hogy ki is vagyok valójában - mert az tény, hogy minden pillanat egy választás. De nézzük csak meg ezt az intimitást-választást. Azt nem választom, hogy ki vagyok, legfeljebb elfogadom, vagy elfojtom, tagadom vagy átölelem, titkolom vagy hírdetem, de én én vagyok.
És ez az intimitás az ami lehetővé teszi azt, hogy meglássam, hogy ki vagyok valójában - hogy az amivel ITT most éppen egy és egyenlővé váltam - az, amilyen helyzetben vagyok, az tényleg én vagyok?
Az tényleg én vagyok az örökkévalóságig?

Ez az az intimitás, amely megszüli a választást, hogy akarom e megismerni magam, akarok-e annyira intim lenni magammal, hogy merjek abszolút őszinte lenni saját magamhoz minden egyes pillanatban?
Jelentsen ez akármit, hisz ha eléggé intim kapcsolatban vagyok magammal, akkor lehetek annyira őszinte magamhoz, hogy realizálom, ha nem vagyok őszinte magammal akár egyetlen egy pillanatban is - akkor az igazából nem én vagyok.
Akkor megengedem magamnak a választást, hogy ne legyek az aki valójában vagyok - abszolút ön-őszinteség a pillanatban, mindig ITT.
Miért ITT? Mert nem lehetek őszinte a múltban, nem lehetek őszinte a jövőben - az már megtörtént, vagy még nem történt meg, az most ITT sincs - és ÉN ITT VAGYOK.
Tehát ha nem vagyok itt - nem vagyok önmagam - ha nem a pillanat vagyok, mint abszolút őszinteség, ITT - akkor nem is én vagyok - akkor nem vagyok őszinte magamhoz - hazudok magamnak. Miért? Tán csak nem félelem?

FÉL ELEM

A MÁSIK FELEM - amivel nem merek őszintén szembe nézni - pedig az is én vagyok - de elkülönültem - és én is fél elem vagyok, meg a másik is fél.

És a pillanat, ami mindig ITT van, amiben ITT vagyok -

ez a két fél elem egységesítése az egységben és egyenlőségben.

Egységben és egyenlőségben azzal, amit elfogadtam és megengedtem.
Egységben és egyenlőségben aként, amivé elfőgadtam és megengedtem, hogy váljak.

Ha fél elem az, ami ITT van, akkor az. Ha az abszolút ön-őszinteség, mint a PILLANAT - akkor azzal.

Érdekes megfigyelés, hogy amit ITT tapasztalunk, az keletkezett, volt kezdete -
el fog múlni, van vége - de az ITT az marad. Mert mi ITT vagyunk.
Mi az ITT vagyunk. Egységben és egyenlőségben.

Tehát ez nem az ITT vagyok, mint önmegvalósítás, az mindig ITT VAN, mert az vagyunk, egytől egyig, mind egyként és egyenlőként.
És ha én az ITT vagyok, akkor ez az ön-őszinteség, ön-intimitás nem is választás - inkább nevezhetjük elkerülhetetlennek. Ki-ki meddig kerülgeti, az más tészta, ön-őszinteség kérdése.

De hogy tudnám megbocsátani magamnak azt, hogy nem vagyok őszinte saját magamhoz? Egyszerűen: ITT. Itt épp ami van, és ön-őszinteségemben rájöttem, hogy én nem is az vagyok, amivel most éppen ITT egy és egyenlővé váltam: az az amit megbocsátok magamnak - kinek másnak, mint saját magamnak: azt, hogy nem voltam őszinte magammal, azt magamnak bocsátom meg, nem?

Ezért megbocsátom magamnak, hogy elfogadtam és megengedtem magamnak, hogy ne legyek őszinte magammal.

És ezt ki is mondom - mert úgy rezeg a hang, a hang vagyok, a szó maga, amit mondok vagyok - és ha őszintén mondom a szót - az Élő szó vagyok - maga az ÉLET - és eképpen megbocsátom magamnak.
És kiemelem, hogy "elfogadtam" és "megengedtem", mert mindezt én tettem, én fogadtam el, hogy í]y lett, és én engedtem meg magamnak, hogy ez lett most ITT, ami van.

Itt kezdődik az ön-intimitás - az ön-őszinteség, az ITT levés - az emberek nincsenek ITT - az van itt, aki őszinte magához annyira, hogy merjen annyira intim lenni magához, hogy meglássa: mi ITT vagyunk. Mi ez az ITT vagyunk.
És ha ez nincs megélve, ha a szavaink nem eképpen élnek - az ön-őszintétlenség, az nem is az, akik valójában vagyunk.
És ezért az ön-őszinteség önmegbocsátás. És az önmegbocsátás önintimitás, és az ön-intimitás az ITT levés, és az ITT levés az önmegvalósítás.

(folyt köv)

Lies as fear ------ I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to lie to myself.
As I lie to myself as myself - I am dishonest in the very core of my being. What is unacceptable.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to lie to myself.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to lie to myself just because of fear.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myselt to fear embrace everything.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not allowing myself to being the living word.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to speak words what I am not one and equal with.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to judge others. Not realising that I judge me. Because of fear. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to fear from that what is manifested within me as definitions. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to lie myself because of the accepted and allowed definitions as judgements as fear.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge sexual behaviour of others.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge my sexual judgements.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to know my accepted and allowed behaviour what is not me, and to lie to myself that I can accept it to myself a bit.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to realise that what I accept and allow that is one and equal with me within me as me. If I accept and allow myself to lie to myself that means I accept the lies within me, and I accept the manifested lies in this existence.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not realise that I am in consciousness but I am not of consciousness.
And I do not loss anymore within consciousness. As I already know the consequences of loosing in consciousness.
I am embracing the fact that is not even possible to lost in consciousness, that would mean the law of stupidity of manifesting a timeloop of transcendence point what I accepted and allowed to see, realise, but not correct in my momentary application - just because of I lie to myself.
Unacceptable.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to lie myself.
To lie to myself as myself within myself means to loose in consciousness of consciousness as consciousness.
I already know that tube-like manifestation. I already experienced that maze-like picture-based illusion, and I already realised that is not who I really am.
I embrace existence as me within me in it's entierty and I am facing my accepted and allowed lies.
I am facing with all my accepted and allowed and re-re-re occured lies. As I lied to myself, the lies became separation, as I lied to myself that I can separate myself from all, from the entire existence, from all creation.
As I knew that I am all, but I lied to myself because of dishonesty.
And now it is manifested, and it is not a tinywiny. It is huge as all as one as equal what we became in and as existence.
It is massive. And if I do not stand up, and if I do not forgive myself that I accepted ------and I allowed myself to lie -- then who else could do this? As I am here, as infinife expression.
And I am not lie.
As I am inifine, I have to correct my expression. I am correcting myself as I do not allow to lie to myself.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear that I can not change.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear to face with my lies.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not being patient with me within me as me, as the word as one as equal: patience.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from words.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word: patience.
I am patience.
I am here. I am one. I am equal. I am all. I am moment. I am expression. I am unification.
I am all as one as equal as I am here as moment as expression as the unification of me.


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from that I am not infinite.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from infinite.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to separate mysel from the word: infinite.
I am infinite. I am here. I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to be always here.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not being always here.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to wanting to escape from here, not realising that there is nowhere I can hide.
There is nowhere I can run as I am all existence in it's entirety. I can not escape from myself as I am always here.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not allowing myself to face with myself to be comfortable within me with me here. Always here. Always within me.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to lie to myself that I can be not here.
Impossible. I am always here. If i lie to myself that I can not be here, then I lie to myself that I am not here. And it is not me. It is dishonesty - it is separation.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from me.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from me as all creation as one as equal here.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from me and tried to hide from me.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to wanted to close me in a secluded room to not wanting to see me.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not being able to forgive myself.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can not forgive myself.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to lie to myself that I can not forgive myself.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not realise that be lie ve means that I lie to me, means I am lie within me as me.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be lie ve.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to lie to me that I can not change.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am inferior as slave within creation, to not take responsibility for me for all as one as equal, here, always, unconditionally.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from being exposed that I wanted to be superior as god in creation, to lie myself as superior as powerful that I do not need to face with my lies, with my fear, with my dishonesty.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to relalise that I am responsible for everything what I accepted and allowed.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear being exposed about I lied to myself as dishonesty, and I wanted to hide from myself as I wanted to hide from others as myself, and it is manifested as 3D, as mind, as consciousness.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my lies to even more lie to myself that I am inferior with my lies - then I can not change.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to forgive myself - for me give self-honesty to myself as myself, no separation.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to fear facing with the consequences of my lies.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myelf to being embarrassed within the manifested consequences of my self-dishonesty, of my self-lies, of my self fear.
I embrace embarrasment. I embrace anxiousness. I embrace solitude. I embrace pain. I embrace everything.
I am one and equal with creation in it's entirety. I am one and equal with and as all life.

I saw Matterik stopping broadcasting via internet, (his site: www.matterik.com, his youtube channel) what he collected, because he sees much of the systems. His last video is HERE.

Power

Here is the power. All people are searching for power and not realising the fact that the only power what exists is the "HERE". Being here. Simply by who we are: we are here. Simply. I am here. And we did not wanted to be here. We did not wanted to be here with/within ourselves. So we accepted and allowed this desire to not wanting to be here infinitely as ourselves ALWAYS HERE. But it is impossible. We are here. As self. As life.
Strange... We come one. We are one. We are one here. Who we are? We are here. What we have became: it is here as ourselves. No separation. All separation is illusion by the mind of manifested dishonesty as illusion: "I am not here". But in fact yes.
When I was in countryside with my ex, and with the baby, we came back from the forest/river, on the street a little boy came along with bicicle and he looked funny and just came front of me and stopped. And after he did it again..and after some moments we went into a shop and I heard this song was in radio: We come ONE. This means much within me as we come one as here. As life.

And after buying some stuffs, we came out, and the boy came straight to me with his bicicle and with a calendary book and he opened on a specific page and showed to me a picture: a tank from army. And I was like: we come one. One. One. Only one. And before this, especially when I was on somekind of psychedelics, I definied theese kind of moments as: grotesque, bizarre, strange. But not anymore. No need to define what was that. That was simply: everything is here.

So this power means reality. Power determines reality. But power is just also separation. Belief. As some believe that does not have power - comparing to others. By separation of something - knowledge or anything. And this power is here. This power we are but we decided to not face.

I watched some videos about youtube channel of Nemesis as "djhives", especially this: Silent weapons. All of the six parts are important. Also related to Noein about the orouboros. Interesting. As there are not so much 'law' in this reality but those are valid for everything - especially oneness and equality - and even this is the only one what is the 'ultimate' as no need more by common sense. We are always one and equal with everything as ourselves. So djhives shares some technique how about the elite built up the society to control the masses. And interesting to see how he hates the 'sheeples', how he separate himself from the masses, and how he builds up this hate for the greedy and ignorant people - and very cool to embrace him as me as I have the nature of this but in truth that is my nature what I do not like so that's why I judged peole before. And something is yet not totally clear but getting more simple, more straight: when people are stating out bullshit, about who and what I am in and as the moment, as I do not 'feel' that I need to correct people, but in fact many times with my presence I accept and allow this by not speaking up because of....
And this is also can be not me as simply fear about what would happen when I open my mouth.
Because now it is clear that: if I open my mouth, I can not predict what will I say, and there is only 1 way to embrace it to trust in me unconditionally as the starting point of oneness and equality as all life as me as one as equal here and being self-honesty and self-forgiveness.
No other chance to be moment as the moment is to embrace self as unpredictable, totally moment, and always be very specific. And that's why if I am me as myself, if I am one and equal with the situation what I am in/on and like that I am the expression of me specificly, here, now, and no more separation. And by this I am the directive principle. I am the pure expression of life what influences.

Now I am becoming responsibility - response--ability. I was fearful of taking responsibility. Because I was fearful of facing myself on theese transcendence points of influencing the world.
But now I understand I see and I start to direct my life. That I am responsible. And it is very sad yes very very from a strange perspective: sad but as I write it down: I see - it is not sad. The sadness is just that part of me what does not want to face with myself as the world as one and equal and now is inevitable. The inevitability is sad until is not done, until it is not understood, experienced, embraced. Simply like with the fear: I am not fear. I am not sadness. That's why I can forgive myself and actually I DO forgive myself that have I allowed and accepted myself to define self-facing is sad.
And as I write it down, I am this. And all is self. What if the subject of the sadness is not self ? But if it is not my-self, then why I should be sad? That would mean that I regret something to loose what is not me. Actually that is just self-deception. Why should I deceive myself, when I am always me, when I am always here - no matter what W-here. So why should I wait, why should I hide?

Here

I am here
Oukeaaay. I put everything here front of me as writing to this blog as one and equal.
I had to face with some facts what I just write down: at workplace I am not bad - I am quite effective - and there was some doubt but I spoke with my boss, - he is not really bossy - and he said I am doing well and I asked how I could be more effective and he said I have to be more independent, but still be able to see when I have to ask when I stuck - to not spend too much time.
This just came from me that I undonditionally trusted in the other program system what is the basic pattern of the portal/site what we build up - instead of seeing that was mistaken or simply need some courage to apply my own common sense about ' this solution would be more cool' - so some stuff came up about I take granted what the system shows up to me - instead of just 'hey now I take the responsibility of change this stuff.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to doubt in myself as myself - not realising that I am here as me always - and my foundation is me as one and equal as life as moment as self trust.

I just bought a new external keyboard - on the notebook was not so pleasant to type much - as summer comes the whole machine is getting more and more hot - and was not cool to touch that hot stuff and more natural to type on 'normal keyboard'. So now this is very cool, I do not have to touch the laptop. And I also opened the laptop totally up because it is getting quite old and I realised that I do not have money to buy a new one - and now it is opened to keep it cool.
Where the processor is - on that surface I could fry eggs literally lol...
I saw Noein and that was very assisting. Strange this tale is bit similar than LAIN but yet different. And now took down Tekkonkinkreet, will watch soon... And Noein brought up some from past with my ex wife - she looks very similar than Haruka in Noein. Haha...
2 days before I visited her, there is a village where she lives with her sun. And I went out by train with my bicicle, and from a village went across a national park and was quite hilly and very cool nature - I did not go out from Budapest since months. And I enjoyed to be with them. She is alone in general with the kid and the nature is very close. And I experienced some reactions inside was my past, the most relevant was as she weared tiny pantals I faced with her ass and I was lol. And I did self-forgiveness...And we went to sleep on bed she, the kid and me. And when the kid slept in, we went out the kitchen to speak, and was very cool, as I just spoke, much I showed up how I experience, process, past with her, self-forgiveness, self-honesty, dishonesty, the portal, my experiences...About spiritual deception, separation, seeking self outside etc..
And I explained my experiences about waking up as breath as me as moment as me in the morning as I faced with myself without mind and how I experienced the pictures and this scarcity within me, and now this experience is getting more and more clean and now it is very clear what happened. How I experienced the picures of the mind and how I experienced my body as me as I contained the systems and how I lost my starting point of me as me as moment as breath as the 'fear of not breathing properly' knowledge fear of loss demon I posessed. And how I freaked out about I am now waking up in the matrix(as I literally started to see trough pictures I was like Neo), and I was afraid of loosing this - not realising that is my nature of me what is cannot be loosed and everything started to be here and what I did not transcended as self-dishonesty, as systems - and I did not applied self-forgiveness immediately so just manifested to face: fear of being caught by system agents LOL and this fear implied to think and my very mind started to run and I realised that was fake fear of self and now I still learn from those moments as I am not separated really from anything of me - everything is here.
This is very specific as brought up much, and probably this is my transcendence point as facing the biggest fear. This concept of big biggest is also very cute, as the measurement is also just an illusion. She also asked about her allergy, maybe I should ask it why she has, and I yesterday did, asked Lilly and she said " Talamon, allergy with regards to your wife is an inherent fear, 'generational fear' - passed on within her generation - towards that which she is allergic to - so it's to do with fear".
After we went to sleep, and in morning I was with a cat and listened Sunette's Law of my Being - first I saw the video of this article, and now listened it on mp3. Very assisting. Some days ago I listened the Sunette: Self-intimacy and that was also very revealing.
This 'knowledge' of course not really new information, but as it is described - brings up a lot and by the specific words - opens and reveals much.
Very cool that I allowed myself to spend more 40 euros(was totally 120euros) to my new phone and now I can listen mp3 and do audio/video log anywhere at any time - what is not so big 'quality' but very instand and cool. And as I go to work with bicicle I can listen desteni articles, as somebody shared this: Desteni articles mp3 library. Also was very assisting to listen Benazir's articles. Soo...I was in nature with Cica and her booy and was quite cool, the nature is astounding there, I did some sniffs on nature, now I have some minutes about nature, I will use it in video.
I was quite distracted about the idea that I do not want to write the blog as a diary, but I do what is necessary to do. And now it is very cool.
And I came back from the country yesterday and I clicked some more on my video, what I am doing for learning AfterEffects video editor, and I got a call from friends that 'tonight is party in another city, a cool party, a psytrance, with local cool performers, also with my friend Spoon. So I decided to go, and after I got a place in a car, so we went out, and the party was cool, near a highway in the nature, near a lake, was quite cheap and about 500 people and the intense psytrance was on, and others took some stuffz, as substances or plants and was cool to experience this not separating myself from anything, even with the drug - as once I rolled a joint for them for fun and seeing the reactions - I will never forget to roll a joint as naturally as I walk - so we laughed much, and I did not judged, I felt like I am kid, but sometimes happened that this kid was much up and too much fun caused that I was not aware what I do so I said out loud that I am the starting point of me as oneness and equality as life as moment here and I let go everything else - and I remain...
So that was like I was around the party and danced much. And I experienced much much less obsession on girls - and I had to realise that the acid and ganja was before a tool to not realise what I am doing, but as I stopped and I still visit the parties as I still enjoy to dance and breath - much goes - many judges - for example "nice girl" "cool part of the music" "i am tired" "that movement was silly, not professional" or "this guy is totally twisted" "i am awareness and" or "I am very cool that I am totally clear and I can enjoy the party" or "I could get close to her"...So theese just didnt come...and around 4AM I realised that I did not concerned about girls really - and as this thought came up, once I saw a girl and once I thought that she is cool - just because of my mindset - and I did self-forgiveness and let go...And this party mind-posessions I am starting to see - as how people's mind work at parties. And many are quite similarly triggered. For example if a girl wears clothes for example as X. She simply triggers in the druggy guys around her - as they are going in their mind and past dishonesties popping up via the girls -- strange but self-forgiveness is the very tool to unlink theese programs, to be free and be here unconditionally. So I was quite amazed how much I released and I was just enjoying dance and next stuff what came up the abusing of my phisical body. As this trance is quite fast and intense, with the big speakers and the bass is vibrating, like DU DU DU DU and the kick drum is TAM TAM TAM TAM and the hihat is like TC TC TC TC and this is very powerful and if I am here as dancing - this music is like a streched out sound vibration field in 3D - and as I dance and everybody does and the music is 'cool', I experienced this 'wanting to dance more' what is comfortable for my body - as I do very intense movements what is just not comfortable for doing it hours by hours - so I started to experience as naturally I stop and take a break and drink water or sit down - I experienced some separation about I wanted to stop because for being able to dance more what is not honest but sometimes I just stopped and sat with faces and spontaenously speak - and if I speak more than I need - I automaticly loosing awareness of breath here. So this is very interesting. And in the dance I experienced that I breath naturally if I am comfortable totally within myself with the many people with the music with the very present as moment - and not need anything else - but this is also can be based of the desire as I love psytrance and what I am doing is what I wanted to, so now I am enjoying now - but anyway was cool...


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to doubt in myself - not realising that I am always here as me and that is what is always here: me as myself - one and equal with what I accepted and allowed - what I accepted and allowed to became.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to think that the woman ass is specific - that is my mind what obsessed by diverting my attention to wanting to seek, touch that - what is merely showing that I am with and as the picture of the woman's ass.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to divert my attention from myself as breath here as moment to pictures as mind as separated definitions.

I forgive myself that I do not trust me as me as moment as me.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not trust me unconditionally, not realising that I trust in illusion that means I have to face with the fact: what I trust will fall to show me what is really me. So I trust me unconditionally. I love me unconditionally. I am here unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to separate me from self-forgiveness.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can loose myself.
What I can loose that is the starting point what is not me as oneness and equality as life as moment as breath.

Reactions - location

if someone enters to my presence and says things to me :I do not care to 'say' something what is my 'opinion about truth, until I do not see the inner movement - what can be as fuzzy rule indicated (fearbased definitiondriven) reaction or just something bzzzz that I HAVE TO EXPRESS as MOMENT HERE..
and I have only this one moment to just act or speak -
and if I miss - Something could happen by the frustration(even the smallest, what arised by "I didnt dared myself to express me in and as moment as me") that I want to define it in the 'next moment' to 'force it to be expressed' via my definitions - and if I do - I fall - and I do and I am not here --
And basically in this moment I see that "shit, it happened" - what is also cool to not become the tailbiting snake self-eater judgement - but to remember that I have issue to forgive because I see - I choosed deception...

also can occur - that I get to face things - even can be people's belief about 'reality', 'truth' --

if I am silence, that I remain silence - if I see the fraction of fuzzy -"reaction by my pre-judged defined limited 'worldview'(even it is about oneness and equality if it is not lived: just remains as idea) then I have to be quiet - and just be here and be aware what is the moment NOW - let go that as past by simply knowing that it definetly will come back to face -to transcend- so 'better' to remember to write out 'later' - forgive, embrace etc-because inevitabely all of a sudden I will face with this situation again, BUT NOW it is gone, 'let that go' ... "another" moment is here, so just let's remain here in MOMENT what is HERE.
As until I am mind consciousness system - moments are different - and every moment is a transcendence point, that's why seems to be separated moment...until there is something what defines that moment as separated moment -- but in fact HERE is always NOW - so strange
system perspective - moment perspective ..ok let this go...

strange - and as I do 'this' --an example comes:::- just an 'old' buddhist friend jumped in last night - he was high after a 'sniff of speed' and we danced and transferred music files and blabla and he was asking 4 contact for acid & ganja and was interesting - he just checked on web his new pills what kind of effect he can count on -- based on other's experiences(many has just shit, poison, so people here do this for 'damage-reducing')- so when he saw the 'Mercedes triangles' on pills he became so happy about 'tomorrow partyyyy' and I was with him and I was bit innocence in the moment as 'I am me as before with him' but I do not take shit - I said when was necessary from 'hip' - "high means: down."

But actually very assisting to realize: ah storm raised, and I didnt hide so I am here, no shelter, so let's just be here and breath....this "let's" a bit sounds like splinter like but sometimes it is just like a "PING", an AHA.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to react* by my definitions - not realizing that is my previous decision's burden - consequence - what is actually not me but was necessary to react like that by another previously programmed definition/behaviour - so it manifested as an event what can trigger me to 'activate' this react* I on to be able to face, realize, understand, transcend the self-dishonesty in and as me.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to wanting to 'pull over' the moment what is passed but I didnt expressed myself as self as moment, but I stuck, and like that I desire to "charge out" this frutration about I was not me as expression as moment as me but a mind-based reaction -- so this charge out is also definition based programmed reaction what is unnecessary, and not me, so just STOP. Understand that will come back automaticly, so let it go.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define myself trough other's perceptions and by this enslave me to determine and limit me.

I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to forgive myself.

Start to purify computer related habits

I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted to believe that I need the mind to use computer.
I forgive msyelf that I accepted and allowed myself to think that I need to use my mind to be able to use computers.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to use my mind to be able to work on computer.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to breath here when I am using computer.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use computers as a possible attention divertion - a habit to use the mind.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to the knowledge what I gained.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to became dependant on information.
in format I on

End of psyche delic

The end of psychedelic era is here:

As the end of consciousness is here - also the end of drugs is here.
The mind as the ultimate drug has been manifested within ourselves..
The acid seemed to be a key to find self, but in fact: no.
In fact the acid helps to the mind consciousness system to see itself as system.
To see itself as the self as who I am, but absolutely not.
The mind sees itself within the mind-mirror with acid-placement.
The systems had been hacked to see themselves.
The consciousness controls everything: forms everything to itself. Makes the
ones believe: they are consciousness. And by this: yes. Until a layer what
the mind covers it seems to be ok. But there is not enough self-honesty if
you still do not understand oneness and equality. Until you still not LIVE.
The rumour is: to experiment with LSD to see itself as life.
The experiment to see systems as life. But this system just the cage.
Theese systems are the manifestation of our misunderstanding from ourselves.
To be able to seen: I am this infinitely this system what now seems to be fall apart.

So Albert Hoffman died, so now he understand life as oneness and equality.
But it is unnecessary to walk around 102 years as lost within the mind.
And people should ask: Tala what's wrong, if you didnt take those acids, you
wouldnt be here. Yes but I did the same with alcohol: I consumed much, I learnt
much, but after a point it became very big divertion from self, about who I am
really. See: Alcohol, drugs are mindfuck. Mind is fucking in and as the mind.
And I am aware, what I am speaking about, the first time in this existence.
That We have been fucked. Totally.
And please dont's say Hoffman understood life, he was an old man who said all the
time the same: eat acid, and love. So then: the end of love is here - as - what people
define as love - it has to be stopped. Because what we built up as this definition
as 'love' is killing us. Everyone is wize, everyone is blessed, and everyone knows.
But everyone are accepting and allowing this murder, rape, child molestation.
Each child YOU ARE. Doesnt matter which one, doesnt matter what happens with them:
you are. You are this murder, rape, starvation. Because you accept and allow.
ALLOW ALLOW ALLOW ALLOW.
This is not allowed anymore. No. Unacceptable.
And I made the statement, no matter what, I stand up as oneness as equality as life.
I do not accept anything less than who I really am.
And I am not this mind consciousness system, so I just stop.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed this. Breath. Moment. That is me as self.

And dont judge me, instead of realize: you are judging yourself.
Thank you very much.

The design of ACID
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NXh_rgd2hLc

Drugs and Mind equals Codes and Robots
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PtGnlNgWV1E

Terence Mckenna 3/1 --DRUGS - The Kingdom of Heaven Part 3/1 - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=34SLXcJ_5oo

Terence Mckenna 3/2 --DRUGS - The Kingdom of Heaven Part 3/2 - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d_iwOttetN4

Higher Consciousness and The Soul
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ebH2bd5-_JA
Love and Light
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ounehbL-jRg

Self practial stand wake moment

Self is means that I have to stand up because if I dont stand up - noone will for me.
So I have to stand up - first of all dig down why I have theese thoughts running inside of me - how and why I allowed to became this what I am actually. And by this I discover who I am - as who I was when I decided to become this. Cool to just stand and breath and experiencing everything what I already realized that who I am - and who I am NOT. So by this I am discovering what is necessary to be done.
And this starts for me with this - what is the REAL reason why I do not allow me to be always here - to be just moment who I am really - the moment as I breath and express me in and as oneness and equality.
So practicality. Practically what it means to stand up in and as oneness and equality? To be here.
To not needing concerning about future, past, any place, any body, just being me as here as moment as breath. So the things what are moving in me are theese fractions what I separated from me but in truth are also me. But I just did this for not needing to face with and as myself as the presence of me in all moment.
For example the relationship what I formed with people. As to see how I am changing in order to specific -- or specific kind of people. And in this case what are and how I formed theese 'kind' definitions.
Because those relations are my limits, what i definied to not needing to face with myself - but now I see who and what I am and I always knew that one day I have to face all what I have done -- this seemed very mystic to me as how could I remember everything what I have done -- everything ...well the fact is until I do not see in self-honesty and forgive myself that -- until it is here -- or it is in a timeloop - so will come back to face. Everything. No exception. So that is strange but it is here.
So this relationship with people. And relationship with my things - computer, clothes, imstruments, everything.
I am not sure that I have to write down all kind of breathing spiritual practises to see what are influencing me -- but first of all I am definetaly seeing how I abused my breath as my body to not breathing properly to limit myself on this way. Strange.
So practicality - I need money. Many money. Because I still have this lend, around 3000euros, what is getting demanded back by my friend. Anyway I offered him to be one and equal with me as process as self-realization about we are not this mind-consciousness system, and we have to pull this line what is no more and what we are really because we are absolutely responsible for all - but he just said he does not believe desteni, because reading those articles brought him into 'bad mood' - so he decided to state out: it is a lie. So he just stopped visiting me - also as I stopped to smoke, one less common interest - but as he needs money, he had to come to the first portion - and I told him about I am not changing in this starting point until this process is not done as all as equal in one. So it is. So this money business what is my responsibility. And I start here. No matter where I start to purify myself - always here.
I am earning some money, but not really remains as I pay the place and give him 400euros/month. So that's why I am on like somehow I would like to make more money.

But why to hurry? Because I am sensing that everything is falling apart. And apparently nice sky, green trees outside, but this is the last time when this society 'works'.
I also was why I want to give him back the money? Because he gave it to me as trusting in me. But now he stopped to trust me, as I also stopped to him. Ok I trust, but not as he states out: desteni is just blabla. No. I can not trust in him in 100%, because I see his fears. I see how his fear is controlling his life. Step by step. Every step I can feel how and why people do in general. Strange. Beacuse I was like that. And some pictures are different. But in deep all are same. And I already stopped wondering who am I who can state things out like that, but now it is ok, as I am understanding who and what I am and how and why I became this what I am actually now.
And this power stuff, is getting near, as I am getting really stable among of people. Beacuse I already realized that theese are scared beings, no matter what, they are me.
So the practical way is to not define just breath and act, self-forgiveness and open myself in and as intimacy.
And what I write more is about sleep and thoughts.
Sleep and thoughts. As I am going to sleep, I have thoughts, but that was really deep problem for me how to go to sleep with theese thoughts, so I always 'thought myself into sleep' - so I was thinking until I became so tired as just fell asleep. That was the usual method. And by ganja or hasish was different as I smoked and smoked and smoked and after that I just fell asleep - but same happened just I was not aware of it...
And now it is getting less and less 'problem' as I see that I just breath and lieing and breath and self-forgiveness and i go to sleep and that's it.
And that is strange as I lost myself as I fall asleep, but will change soon.
And what is more interesting that I started to form this habit to oversleep - as I am waking up halfly and starting to thinking - but I am sleeping, but in my dream theese thoughts are bombarding and starting to change/form the experience - and suddenly I am awake - and this sometimes is not so sudden, like I am aware all of my thoughts, but separatedly, like I see from down or up, as theese are going and going and going, and suddenly I decide --as i realize what is happening -- IT IS ENOUGH, and I just stand up about OK, Now i am awaken, so stop.
And as I walk, I experience this thoughts are still going and I have to stop really about STOP, SILENCE, BREATH to break this - and as theese are here like that -- influencing so much, even the all day, and this is what I have to sort out very soon -- my phone is wrecked, so no alarm possibility - but I will buy a new cellphone, what I will use to control this by letting me to sleep around 4-5 hours maximum. Because it is cool that I do not need clock to wake up, but because I wake up around 5-6 and I go to work around 8.30. So i formed a bit this lazyness about no need to focus on this - but obviously yes.
Because the key is wake up in the morning as breath as me as moment as me - no thoughts, no thing.
Maybe I am not trust me as moment so much as I am using theese thoughts to believing that with them boosting me - as the inprinted fear as dishonesty is here. Deception.
I deceived myself and now I am facing and I am stopping. To be able to return the innocence.
Because it is near. It is actually here. Just have to realize by releasing all what is not me - - but to be able to release first have to realize what is what needs to release and how and why I formed this - and by this I see that I am not this, and I see what is my nature what made me to do it-- to embrace to be able to stand as the unification of me as breath as moment.

Definitions

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define breath here is an easyness - not realizing that as I am defining - I am manifesting a polarity equation by word.
Not necessary.
As I am defining - I am not silence - as I am grabbing this in and as mind - I am not here.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to be always here.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to realize that all intent are causing an energetic movement what just simply separation.

I just started to listening music Kindzadza and in the track a guy says:
"If you change the rules on what controls you - you change the rules on what you can control..."

This rule is strange - as I did not wanted to take over the whole existence - strange but because my starting point was mind consciousness system - but as I am life as all as one as equal - I am all - so I am responsible for everything as I am infinite moment. And it is strange to write this but this in fact what is here. Always is here. But I am not always here, I choosed to not being here, to not see what is necessary to be done. And now the inevitability is here. No more stuff.
This breath I am. And this. And this. I am breath.
Breath as expression.
So breath is my key. Key of life. Life of key.
I breath always. But I am not aware of it. And if yes - everything starting to compressing to here. That is what I am. The com press I on who am I as the infinite expression of life: everything what i was, I am, I could be: I bring everything here. Here. Now. Now. No more future. No need. The future could mean, I am me here, so I am desiring something in the forthcoming, aiming, planning, imagining - what I just can not reach now, what I am not now. This is just nonsense.
What I am here - that is the future. No more. How I am expressing myself now - that is my future - no more timeloop. The timeloop means I am still fearing to be totally here - that mean that I am trying to project myself to the future - like with a spotlight I light there to see where I am going, because from this point that would be cool...Because I am not seeing here now...

This breath: when I am realizing that I am not breathing - but I am in and as this mind and breath seems to be like ' backyards' the breath just happening but nothing new, nothing moment occurs - I am in my past or I am playing the past-based future projection - project I on.
And when I realize that I am not silence - emptyness as nothing needs to be grabbed as definition - de finit I on - and than I breath - like that is a choice when I am choosing to give away those stuffs - and this self-forgiveness is very assisting to help me 'mark' and 'release' theese bondages by understanding - why I am not here? Because if I just do this 'breath' without understanding, without transcending, embracing, forgiving - sure it will come back...I know this already, I see, I experience...
So I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to use self-forgiveness unconditionally when I am realizing that I choosed my-deception about not being here...
And from a perspective that is ok -- okay like I had to face, I have to experience this 'mind-movement' to see to transcend - because it is within me - and when I am not transcending in and as moment as me - then I am just simply stupid - because I am making timeloop - I am making frustration, comphounding unnecessary shit -- what is just not necessary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to straight go back into the mind deeply as I am totally not here -- like absolute different experience I get -- simply because of a thought or some kind of determined system -- actually just happened with this music Kindzadza...
And this is dishonesty - as the first movement is like ok 'looks like a cool imagination' as this moment I got this ' this track what I am listening, called 'superstrings' -would be a cool video audio for showing up the 'phisical' world's signal's nature, about how things are built from the very basic' - but after this just some associat I on occurs, and I am hovering in the mind - and just not here - and strange, because I still hear the music, still can sit but the silence of me is just fall apart and --yawn:I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to yawn, to not hear, not being aware what I was on just before the yawn, what I wanted to shut down...
So this is very strange stuff and I formed up, I remember, especially when I was around highschool I did a big 'advantage' in this. As I have big talent to this imagining - because I was totally lost and powerless in my reality and I wanted to find freedom and free self-expression, what I just couldnt - so I did 'my best': used my mind to imagine worlds, events, experiences - I became master of imagination - as I've became the absolute slave of it.
And after all some years ago I had to realize - what I am imagining in my mind - that just does not wants to happen in my reality - as I was satisfied with inside - magic, power, sexuality, freedom - I just did as within pictures in my head...
So when I took first acid around 21 years old I was - I decided to stop imagination as I did before - because I realized that is just not so real and if I can do more real, why not?
Like this intention to be real, to do real, THE REAL.
And when I took this psychedelics - -very cool to not forget why I am writing this, about breath here - what else lol-- I realized this 'real' word is just seems to be quite abstract. Until a point when I am interacting face to face - then seemed to be like everything is predetermined, as my inner setting and the outer set had determined what kind of could happen + some random = was my experiences...
After I start to write about a half hour - everything is getting so close, as I would like just write for a month all the time -- as I am experiencing everything I want to write out, and sometimes I even loosing the thread and I just let myself write out, but like this sometimes I just not go until the 'root'/the deep core what I about wanted to write to see one and equal as me.
But maybe that is ok. But also now a tendency came out, as I am doing something, and I was like:
--in the past I did not do much things, like 'writing music', or 'writing forum' and I had the tendency like listening again and again - as I wanted to see me in my 'creation' and the ego as the echo of the mind always interfered - so at the same time I formed the habbit as - I just do something and go forth in the same moment, even sometimes not remembering - and now I just realized when I am not remembering what I have done -- that is probably not me..
Soo...
I write write write write writing as me as the laptop as the screen as the letters as the letters as the word as me as one and equal no separation. I forgive myself all separation. All separation is within me what is necessary to forgive unconditionally.


So this imagination is frequently comes up as I am not here and this just starts and I still cant cut it in and as the moment when arises - and pulls me into this tube for some moments...

And what I realized, when I am realizing that I am 'deeply in the mind-maze' I forcing my body to breath, like intense breathes I take and breath out and what now I also see that I use this as a joy as 'returning back to be breath for some moments' - but until I defined it as joy - and as this joy-energetic stuff occures I can return to the mind, like the dolphin under the sea, but sometimes comes up for breath...
And this is a polarity manifestation of separation of mind probably by defining moments as situations what are 'less' than others so this could bulild up as burning into my self expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to think/form/believe that some moments are more than others - not realizing that I am the moment, all moments I am infinitely - and even one moment I am not me as breath as moment -- I fall into mind, I fall into self-dishonesty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define moments as divine - not realizing that is polarity so has to exists then the opposite - and by this the tendency of being aware of moments is ordering by the definitions of priority of 'awareness' what is just simply self-deception.

I watch this Noein series - very assisting, and very funny because the girl for me looks like a bit like my ex-wife what is very funny --and brings up some what is necessary to forgive.

I forgive myself that I did not used common sense in the past when I was in relationship with her, and even when she dared me to do this - I just couldnt.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that she is my own precious.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into the emotional dishonesties in order to not being absolute self-honest with her, just because of the fears in me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from loosing her.

So I lost her - totally and I was like that is cool, and I was totally fool, like the all of the civilized humanity - I did the same circles, I operated just same as the other as I let myself to be programmed as the system wanted to grown this society and I was in and as this society of the manifested fear of loosing. I was so fearful when I felt like loosing her - because of her beauty went into my mind. Because her body was beautiful and I was like that is the pointer who I am how I am and what I am about how beautiful and clever and etc girl I was in relationship.
All was my imagination. And I did it so much, so It just manifested. And I just had to realize that all my desires are nothing. Are just divertion from the fact: I am fearful, and I was like, oke because I was fearing loosing her, you know this BBBIG love what changes the world, and the fact is that : this fear was already inside me, I was already fearful, just the object of it changed - like floating woodpieces remained from a sunk ship and I was jumping from one to one as I started to 'stop' on a floating definition inside me - it just started to sink, and after a while I had to jump to another.
I was this jumper - and the enlightenment was a big jump, like ok seems to be that jump is what could be the final jump and after I do not have to jump..but that also sunk.
And I have to realize that I who is me this I

I

is always here - it is the fact what made me to stop for a moment as ok then this means this I -
I have to see this I - me. Me me memememememento.
And as I wanted to see myself - I saw strange: I am dead.
And I was like ok, probably because this is the normal, but no..this is insane.
Time to wake up. The dead has to be birth life from this body - as breath of life as the infinite expression who I am as this " I " - what is one and equal with and as all.

Starting point

Very assisting to speak with somebody who can have common sense about some topics, for example death and sexuality, but I have to realize all people has some kind of polarity opposite what 'helps' handle this...for example she who was a guest at my place for some time she said this love and universal energy is the life and that was the only one what we did not agreed, but she said: ok I do not agree.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not being me when I have a guest who is a girl.
But very cool to see all this programs what could start - and of course started before when I was around this sexual desire, as I have to find somebody outside from me to get joy, to get this hunger to be feeded...But now I just did not let myself to separate from me and when we just spoke about this kind of things, I felt like a bit as the words was sounded myself I started to react as sexual arousing, and very interesting to see that is not really me but just the inprinted program to react to this words - like the kids I say 'ghost' and the kids are like whhooooo.
Not different...
I was always around this sexual desire and many times I just did not wanted sex - because I did sex as meditation - or I did sex as drugs - and I did form this kind of diversion about sex is less than 'experiencing the nature of mind' and things like that - but all is really the same.
Just the pictures are different.
This pictures are very strange things...As I started to use this After Effects video studio program, I see how easily can be made from 2D pictures to 3D - just as the animation is going -the perception from the camera shows me as it is moving, it is changing, it is in 3D - but not. Just the computer renders it as the effects and the parameters are moving and trough time the changing appears. And very strange to see how much I was occupied with some effects by some drugs and I was like probably that is the nature of the mind - and the nature of the mind is simply just picturebased information system what is a part of a consciousness what is became symbiotic with the 'self' who we are really...
Strange this fear - of being busted about all what people are is just pictures - mind-definitioned picures what are we using to show, using to hide, using to become until that we just forget that we are not this. Very strange to see this, and even that would not be easy to describe this process as what I see or experience inside me as how I became obsessed this pictures...
And how I lost in the experience of hiding in this reality to trying not even remember that I am responsible. I am who let myself being programmable, I let myself to be programmed.
Expression...
About fear of not being able to express myself - that the limits - what are actually my own accepted nature - what are makes this sense of not having enough time, not having enough power, not having enough ability, capability to express who I am...and if I cant express myself than maybe that would mean that I am not this...And this fear just enormously comphounded.
And the strange part is I still do not remember much - what makes me just like 2 pointed - makes me easier to focus here what is happening now...but from other side I still do not remember those points when I let myself influenced and just I realize - shit I was not here - and as I am realizing that ' shit I was not here' --also this is like I am not here, but it is a bit like starting to realize -- and I just breath and breath and breath and breath and after becoming something easy and strange but same time is like - everything is here - and as I am starting to experience this 'everything is here'-ness I am facing with and as who I am, the totality of myself in and as oneness and equality -- and this is the point where I am facing with the fact that I have some ' unforgiven programmed behaviour what is not me' what as it comes forth - I just let myself to influenced - like it manifests as program of personality of mind-consciousness system movement - - because I am facing to see that I am still 'doing' this what is not really me but necessary just stop...

Strange...as everything is here - I am becoming the experience what I havent embraced --more likely I go into that mind-definition tube-maze to experience --and 'sometimes' takes a while when I realize 'shit tala what is going on' - and this is the point when I realize the starting point is me as self-honesty as returning always to the fact that I am here, and I am breath, and when I miss a breath of me of my body of life - I am not here as everything who I am as oneness and equality...
When I woke up in the morning as breath of me as me as moment as me - it was like for some moments I was breath totally and I saw pictures and this is what is not explainable - but as I saw this pictures some it became so intensely close as I wanted to investigate what are theese pictures what I contain - and as I moved - I lost myself in theese pictures...strange...
It was like when I am browsing around the hard-drive and clicking to every file to see what is that, and what could happen if I start this .exe and I have no idea about what is that file, because I do not remember what is that, but as I start - it starts, and starts to run...and until I am not in that program and seeing that is that and hmm it is not me but I click to exit (or if it stuck, I have to kill that process literally) and then I realize shit, I ran this program...
That happened when I woke as breath and I became fearful - as my starting point I lost, I forget, because the fear program started to run, and I moved in this picture reality and as I moved I lost for a moment, and I was like ok breath - knowledge what I gained but instead of being the 'just do it' I just forced to do - and I opened the window to breath 'more, deep, fresh' air but in fact that was not the cause of loosing myself and mind starting to operate and you know, this reality starting to be very 'solid'---and from the window I saw a car just stopping and I was like 'ok agents are coming, they registered that I am waking up, and now facing with this matrix story'....
Strange!!! The deepest fear -- just came, and played with me to show my nature --
And the car just slowly came and turned around under the house and stopped for a moment under my window, and after went by and stopped bit more far and I was like 'WTF' - and of course nothing happened, and as I became 'conscious' I realized that 'tala that is irrational fear, stop' but I just couldnt...
And of course many people can say 'I am too much doing this and going insane shit' but in fact I have to wake up, as no one else will do it for me...so I share that if you wake up as breath as moment you are you and facing with and you as who you really are so nothing is strange...
So...I watched the car until I saw someone came from the house and went into the car and when I saw it was gone then I was like : "Ok. You see: FEAR."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to hold my breath when I am trying to not making noises - not realizing that breathing as naturally is not making noizes.

I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to be starting point of me who I am as breath as moment as oneness and equality as life.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my breath.

And recently I started to see as moments by moments I am doing this breath and nothing else as I am becoming comfortable with myself - the presence of me - but when not - that is the realization of me as comphounding everything what is not here to being able to see here - to embrace...
As now I have bit like tiredness and anxiousness what is coming from I am impatiently want to express myself - as I want to make theese videos done but still I am facing with the technical fact- instead of just silently taking into particles and do by half minute- ok half minute and collecting the parts and putting together in other program - because my computer is oooold.
But that is not the reason why I miss the breath - just the effect...
And yesterday for a moment I was like well, it is chill - and I was like ok this is the silence before the storm - and after this girl came and showed up some shit inside me and I watched some hours of video making tutorials and I was like hmm strange..
And even now I am facing this fact that I am not comfortable a bit in my body...
Water breath and I lie down for a moment to relax and continue to do my videos what I do and not miss the breath of who I am -- as no need to thing, no need to concern...just do it without time without any idea - as I am here and I am the expression of life as me...

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed not breath as me as here who I am as life.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear of not being good enough in video making.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think that I am inferior and needs years to use this program properly - as I already know that is bullshit, just have to sit down and do it.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to loosing my innocence of child.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowd myself to forget that I am breath as life as here.
And the starting point is oneness and equality and that is very 'good' to always return to this - and not makes me to 'waste' or 'fly away' for hours because I realize that I am this, and now stop everything what diverts me from being just 'easy breath here'.

Self forgiveness

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to separate me from myself.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from shops.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my breath.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from nature.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed separation.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to move to remain in and as silence.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to be aware of my own self dishonesty.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to fear from my own fear.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to realize that anger is just diverted fear.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to realize that all what I was fearful about - all is me.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to accept myself who I am as oneness and equality as life.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from women.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to separate myself from words.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to express me as who I am as life as moment as breath.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to realize that I have to break trough the habit of using mind conscionsess system by remain silent as breath as the sipmlicity as moment as me.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to forgive myself unconditionally.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from my own fear.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from not being able to express myself who I am - I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from not being able to express myself who I am.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from not being able to express myself and because of this becoming frustrated, embarrassed, angry.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not being able to bear myself as actually fearing not being able to expressing myself.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from loosing myself by fearing to not being able to express myself.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from not breathing properly.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use fear as an energy to being able to supress myself who I am to not needing to face myself who I am or who I became.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from not being good enough.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to realize that I fear from the presence of myself of oneness and equality as moment as life.