Using strategy game as forgiveness

Whatever I do, wherever I walk - I let myself to walk and any comes up - what is already here - I forgive - I forgive myself to react, I forgive myself to desire, I forgive myself to being pissed off, I forgive myself what I have accepted and allowed myself to became, to do, to stuck, to perceive, to want, every single point, without exclusion, without exception ruthlessly, specifically, continously, stabily here.

This point became very clear that everything can be forgiven for myself as myself and this is the key of my actual physical change to be able to remain inner silent to unify me in and as a single breath and remain stable as self-expression as all as me as equal.

So I've been quite busy with the computer game Supreme Commander, and it's second part, the Forged Alliance - and I've managed myself trough it on Easy level, on Normal level, and it became not challenge - and I did not get bored from it totally, but I will soon - so I just let myself to go trough it on Hard level and by this I am facing with several points what I did but not yet so extensively as on this way - because this is real hard.

As I start to write it: it becomes clear that this is just a transcendence point within myself - as I could simply deny this within me and avoid to not embrace at the moment - as I did some times with trying to avoid work to get money or even try to avoid to touch woman to probe that I do not need woman and by this defining this to me 'you see - you bear without it, so you are free of it' - but this indicates of the starting point of proving avoidance what does not gave me the stable natural 'freedom' of it - because if I deny - I resist and it persists.
The same with this game stuff - and this has already happened with drugs - I was really obsessed and I simply understood that the starting point to become so intimidated with drugs was to find out what is happening, what is going on and who I am...
And when I came to the conclusion to that I am here and I am applying myself to change myself in physical application and the tool is self-forgiveness, writing - I simply could put the drugs down - and also I did several cycles to 'get bored' on it and 'to understand that smoking for instance id death for me because gave me the strength of my thoughts what was really brainpusher for some times. Anyway I always knew that I I will put durgs down in a single minute when I decide - but I was not sure when will happen - and exactly one year ago this happened and it's ok, and interesting to observe druggy people, what reactions I accept and allow about this in the moment.
So this is just an overview about how I managed to change myself to actually stop drugs to be able to face with myself here.

And everything is equal and one with myself what I apply at the moment - there is no less important stuff, everything is not only connected but I am.
So these points come up in this game I embrace to physical application because the word virtual can be applied to anywhere - as my accepted and allowed behavior is already virtual as it formed from ideas from the mind based on suppressed expression as thoughts.

What came up at first is to be specific and ruthless. I have to be ruthless to expand and very specifically be aware how to be and how to manage it and why.
Awareness - not only conscious as conscious is logical but limited to it's starting point.

And also fascinating that I already have knowledge about these levels in this game but in fact I can not use it as in hard level the enemy is really stronger and those tactics what I've applied before means nothing and are flawed.

Also what I am aware of when I have to be hurry - I hold my breath up because of I have no simple idea of why, but probably of fear - and participating in the petrification of fear for the moment by obsessing myself with a picture and within that I stuck and I am not here as body as breath.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hold my breath up to participate within fear to stuck to see one picture within my mind - and it can be only one or severals at the same time but the basis is fear.

For instance to fear that I will loose these units or the commander will be hit strongly(and if dies - mission fails) or this unit wont be enough or things like that.
Also when I define that things happen too fast I can hold up my breath as only be conscious of the 'it's too fast'-ness.

Also what I am already aware of that I allow myself to think - even many thoughts I experience just from the 'other side of the river' - as I do these but I am not aware of it and I even do not remember - as this is just like a symbiotic with the act - as the act has became(the physical act) the thought directly - as I thing something and I do it and I think and do it - by enforcing myself to manifest my mind what was a good idea to be able to force myself to direct in situations when I can't express myself naturally.
For instance in 'intense' moments.

Hmm...
And in the game there is a lever which allows me to slow the game down or speed it up so the easyness can be called all the time - but
-there are situations when the slowing down wont hep as it already manifested(for instance too many units are coming to my base)
-the real-time-ness is extensicely reducing and it is a kind of cheat - as with a living human opposite - I can not do this - so I tend to not use this until it's necessary.
-when units are just waiting for build/repair/go and I am busy with others to give commands - the timeslowing comes very handy for a moment - I slow all down, send all to work and time goes on and all do what needs to do...


Hmm these points I can not deny anymore, and I use these stuffs as a gift to be aware of transcendence points what are here and why and how I've separated myself from my power trough participation within the mind to become this personality.
Because this personality is's been made up - no need and very artificial and quite limiting who I really am.


So let's write self rorgiveness specifically and ruthlessly on these points what I wrote...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not being aware that I accept and allow a thought.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I think.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize in the moment that I thought.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I think and then I do not remember for it and in the next moment I am not aware of that I was thinking - even when multiple 'thoughtchains' I 'did'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use thoughts as a wireframe to manifest my physical application by building the act within my head by thoughts before I start to act - as a program and then do it - or by thinking continously and constantly, like become obsessed, kind of whiping myslf by my thoughts to act out the actual step of the physical application.

(When I manage an attack against the enemy base in the game, I tend to use multiple kind of units, what are approaching the attack area from different paths - and is cool to 'make a plan' and program the attack totally and then just observe it, but this wont work in hard way(kind of the most similar to what is 'real') - so I grab a unit, or a group of it and give a command - to go or build or destroy something.
And when I do it - I can stuck in the thought of commanding the unit until I do not get feedback trough my physical eyes trough the screen that is just happened - I am repeating the command in my head - and it can be multiple points but at the same time it is one kind of act.
For instance: when something happens what I do not want: I repeat to command the unit to 'escape' by saying to 'no, no, no, this should not happen, and go, go, go, go, go" - instead of remain stable, calm, and just see what is here and what can be applied and when the conclusion is that this is lost, then not only see that this is lost, but why and how it happened - to actually not accept and allow it to happen again)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use computer game to escape from physical act of impacting as influecnce - because of defining it 'too real' and fearing to 'change it on my image and likeness' from the perspective of what will be the reaction of others or fearing from failure.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider about other's perception and when I am stating out that I do not care what others think - I do it to balance the fact that I care - because my starting point was to perceive myself trough other's perception because I had no own stable, 'trustable' perception of myself or even about others.
So the perception to perceive myself from the mirror of my acts based on what others react to me is quite logical but indicates one single point within myself: doubt.
I doubt within myself so I want to form myself according to my fears of others to conform to get feedbacks from others what are I've defined as positive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from doing bad things - this comes from childhood when parents or grownups could punish me if I did a mistake or even I did something what brought something up within them what they did not liked - and I have not allowed myself to realize that there is nothing to do with them personally, because they are showing up their own accepted and allowed behaviour.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from I repeat something extensively because then I could perceive myself as a robot - not realizing that if I define anything - I am already a robot.


another session---
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define warsounds as explosions, shoots define as loud and disturbing.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy the sound of the rocket, and becoming obsessed to call back this mind-picture of the sound of the rocket and when walking around in this existence, even hearing this sound around me - but in fact I hear the picture within my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate more likely witihin thinking than breathing when I have to solve a situation urgently.

Ok it became clear that I have a tendency to use polarity manifestation to manipulate me - for instance:
when I do something and I say: ok, this is not the best what I can do, but until I do, I open myself up, and see what I participate here - and then I do - and this would be quite effective, but within the participation I simply lose myself as the self-direction to be able to finally stop - and this is like - ok, I play this game, and I do not post this article until I do play with this game, just making it an example, as : ok I did this article and I stopped to play - but in fact I do not want to stop to play, so I do not post this article, just saving as a draft and when I stop to play the game, I will post it - but in fact I will play the game until I wont play out with all 3 kind on hard level, so it will be more 14 levels.
And trying to manipulate the outcome in order to be able to see as effective - because I am not experiencing this effectiveness...

Kind of messy if I at the moment have to say about, but the self-commitment I am here: whatever I do, I trust me and I walk trough it as me.
Fear of judgement, fear of other-s judgement or even fear of other-s suggestion about how I express to be able to realize what I have accepted and allowed: unacceptable.
push push push
pull pull pull
push push push

This is quite intense how I operate inside when I play with games - and the solution would be just like stop gaming - but I want to play, so if I want to play, I push me to stop inner movement while I play, and I am sure when I will stop think when I play, eventually I will stop to play.

And fascinating because what is necessary to not think while playing - self-will, self-motivation, self-discipline, breath and slow down inside and trust me and accept what is here.
So it is like an intense stimulation as simulation how I operate in real 3D.

Because for years I was able to calm and hypnotize myself with the fact - actually with the knowledge and a partial self-trust, that
-I can direct myself and I express here and I can do this,

but I could not stabilize this as a continous expression of me, so rather I found excuses and I found seemingly enough to be able do identify myself with this abiliy as 'I can do this' and justifying myself with other things such as "but first I do this and that" or "was not effective enough" - to simply not push myself trough my limits to explore how I could stabilize this expression...
Self definition of this world became me and I fear let go - and when I compound the energy, I breath trough until the energy is discharged and then
-I can state out, that I can break trough, so I can remain witihn my self-defined limits, because even if I accept and allow this shit, I can break trough when I decide
-I can remain to not face with the main transcendence points - what are called 'main' at this moment because I never faced those really or when I attempted, I 'failed' - such as remain inner silent more than some hours.

So interesting - it is still like a dam and when I open a tap, another taps open and then the dam is starting to flood and getting more and more intense and then I close the tap - hmm self definition - kind of wanting to enjoy myself but this myself is what I have defined and using myself as self expression to create this space within me what is not real but I make it real and when it starts to fall apart, I move and I recreate. Like the beaver, animal support?

So I wanted to write that I could do for some minutes - like I click, I direct, I express and I breath - so I move along, and I write self forgiveness and I write self-direction, I write self-scripting and I write what I experience.

Interesting because when I click, I direct, is looks like robot-like - but in fact this is really effective, and I called it robot-like because what I defined not robot like is the real robot-like - and for robots the non robots are robots.
Because for a robot - who is self-directive - looks like very determined, specified, directive, exact and effective - because I am here, I direct here what is here with and as myself and I express - I click as me, I direct units as me...
so the inner system is like a slow cache with random noise - but this random noise is like the previous version's codes are still here and processing....

So have to locate and eliminate the previous codeversions bz understanding and correcting the expression here without using that code and trusting myself to explore without pre-coding operation, breath by breath.

And it's interesting because I have vast knowledge and I do not use, and I do not believe, but when some days ago I realised that I never commited myself into something totally, absolutely, fully / this realizations changes me slowly but surely, because then the question comes, what if I do? What can I lose? I am here.
----

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define something what makes me fail to as impossible.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up something because I failed instead of trusting myself unconditionally and being honest with myself as what is this fail?
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become frustrated when too much I have to push on and the resources are limited - instead of realizing that I have manifested this situation by my self-defined limits and there is nothing to do with the already manifested situation but with myself - but who I am within this expression and am I really self-honest, do I have reactions inside?
I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to give up something because I have memory of that I could not do that in the past.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up something because I have multiple memories about multiple experiences when I apparently failed.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to push myself continously to my limits - and even when I am aware of myself, after allowing some thoughts and not applying physical changing application such as self forgiveness - then these 'some allowed thoughts' compound, reoccur and becoming stronger and causing another manifestations such as tirednes or feelings.
I forgive myself that I Have not realized that absolute standing means that I do not fall again from the perspective to stuck in the acception and allowance of the mind continously.
I forgive myself that I have tried to avoid the 'hard' situation in the strategy game by lowering the difficulty to normal and then defining that 'ok then I will go with this one more to prepare' instead of restart immediately and trusting myself - because I am sure that there is a way to make it done and it will be as self-trust as I made it done and that's all and move along.
I forgive myself to remain within my limited definition system especially when something conflict arises - instead of realizing the program and applying self-forgiveness, self-honesty, self-intimacy.

Embrace darkness

interesting situation

at one point I realized hmm I am not free, so let me be - so I started to fly - basically in the dark - and I've hit my head into the wall - and I fell...
After a while I re-tried it and the idea was like the more energy I jump and fly, more likely I can break trough, but in fact I've just managed bigger jumps and I've hit my head on the next level's wall - and I fell bigger...Hmm - then I smelled that OK, let's walk to the wall, and I started to touch, fondle, even lick this wall - I mean still in the dark, so I walk in the dark and I touch walls - but in fact common sense comes forth:

Why I do not see here? I mean I see only one thing - the thing that I do not see..
What is this wall what I even do not see just limits me?
So if I see only darkness, then probably I separated myself from darkness, to not see - or to see it, in real it is no matters - but at the moment I do not see the darkness, only it's definition as darkness. And I do not see that what is in the darkness, and I am in the darkness, so I even do not see myself and then the idea to see comes up and it comes in loops and builds up a desire to see myself - and then I do not see my darkness, and wanting to see just separates me from myself more, because I start to find temporally lights to use it's bursts to have a seeing - absolute separation. So this separation from my walls, and from my darkness makes me kind of blind - and the same stuff with the space and time - these are also the points what I've managed to separate myself from and then I am not even aware of space and time at the moment, only a tiny slice of it and the rest is this 'darkness'.

And then having the ability to use the memory as separate entity within myself what has been defined within my experiences using this light-burst seeings by saving these images and then bringing forth it again and again - and interesting to see how thoughts create light in the darkness -- but always with a beginning and an end - and meanwhile I am compromised, I am here as this conditional participation within this mind-light-path - what simply will end at the 'end' of it's conditional existence.

For instance this is a rude example: to denying that I have desire to someone to fullfill me for instance a girl who I defined with my thoughts as 'good enough' to have the ability to go into symbiotism with and as to support each other as the idea of 'whole' together.
And then this was an attempt to find out from my desire to see in the darkness and then I remember for this and then as the dishonesty as me does not make a change - this comes into habit and I am becoming obsessed with the idea of 'wanting to be with her' - and by this I am doing a compromise - it began - and it will go until then I will face with her or her response for it such as 'lol' or I will give up because it will take away too much attention without experiencing this wholeness so the condition what make this began as a habit of using this particular memory to define me and my expression will expire and I will face with myself again as 'incomplete'.
Or when eventually we could come together - after a while when other complicated conditions make me aware that 'this is not really completeness' - then I would give up - or she would give up the idea to 'wanting to be together' and then again I am alone with myself as myself.

Basically self-definition as picture within this picture-oriented existence makes the starting point really strong that I am tending to see only the pictures - or the memory of the pictures.
Even when I did not see a specific girl since one and half year - I have the memory about she is gorgious, bella, the manifested definition of beauty - I can't describe her face or body - just some ideas - because it is not even personally related with her - only with and as my definitions what myself has definied and grabbed and made to became precious - and using it as a totem, a sanctuary, as an idol what is really strange but this is what I've became trough the accepted and allowed participation within self-definitions as thoughts as pictures.
Because I did not see in the darkness of me and I I saw that if I participate within a specific thought-picture - for a moment I am this picture one and equal - and this moment made me express as this is who I am what I experience - - and this became constant - to participate within picture to not see that I am a darkness what I am not aware of.

What is in darkness when I walk in darkness - strange - even when I am aware of there is nothing on the floor, the steps become a bit unsure - because at the moment I can not use the picture of the 'empty floor' to perceive me that this actual step 'will be' 'all right'.

So this self-doubt to step onto something within the darkness what I've managed to stabilize and polarizing it by using memory-based pictures to be able to apparently walk.
But this walk is not only touch those small paths what my thought-pictures make me believe that 'all right' - and this limits me to explore within the darkness of myself as myself.
And by this I do not want to explore the darkness of me - but I want to bring the light of the mind of thoughts/pictures to everywhere to become sure that I 'see' everything in light.

And the common sense is to dare myself to walk in the dark alone and explore - and if I step onto something what makes me fall to the ground - then I will be aware of it and I stand up and walk...And being sure that within that moment I do not create a self-definition picture/thought to avoid this 'stepping onto this obsticle. Because in the darkness I am of darkness, I am what is in and as this darkness - so this obscticle is me - and I fall by me and I stand up by and as me and any separation is just a conditional attempt to avoid this specific facing as awareness of myself.

Embrace darkness
Embrace solitude
Embrace myself as darkness as solitude
Embrace myself as darkness as solitude as breath
Embrace my experience as myself as breath as one as equal

And when I define that how I do not define - it is the same - it is not awareness but suppression and diverting - for instance when I define that how cool that I did not participate within sexual desire physically for a while - - this definition is the same - and I try to separate myself from this 'stopping participation within desire' - it is a separate entity from me and at the moment I define this as separated from me - I am not directing it as me as one as equal - and in fact I realize at the moment that this was just a sneaky self-deception to be able to define myself as 'cool' but in fact nothing really changed in physical application because then I just simply become aroused by participation within pictures because

I defined that I did not participate within this - to be able to define that 'I am transcending it' - and then kind of lying to myself that I am aware of if and I 'won' so then I am not even aware of it - and it just happens -- and I can not blame myself only from the perspective that 'shit, it happened, blame blame' but not like 'I was not aware of it' - but in fact this was happened: I was not aware of it - only defined that I was aware.

So when I define that I am aware of something - because I am simply not aware of but for this moment I can be delusional about myself by participation within this thought/picture that 'I am aware' or 'I have transcended'.

Self as forgiveness, self is forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give a meaning for the 4:44 when I sit down to the computer and I see this date on the clock.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give a speciality for those numbers what are built up by the same digits to guessing that this has a special meaning something profound or I am 'on a good way'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to seek outside synchronicities to define something about 'my way' to be able to state that 'everything is allright' or 'this is a special moment' - not realizing that this is just simply bullshit: the clock goes forward and there are the numbers as 4:43 and after the 4:44 and there is after the 4:45 and it is just numbers - the meaning what I gave is whatever I want to believe - it's delusional.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give a meaning in any way whatsoever - not realizing that the mind gives synchronicity points to itself to react on a specific way regularly/in cycles to simply always make me to react on a specific way to remain infinitely slave of my own accepted and allowed expression as thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek 'positive feedbacks' outside from me to make myself confident and trusted within the system about 'everything is all right' instead of realizing that this signifies that I do not trust myself here only myself constantly but I tend to find points to stabilize myself by my definitions outside from me - not seeing that I was who defined these points by fear and self-doubt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek reactions within me what are has been defined by myself as 'positive reactions' such as others are seeking for me or want to have my phone number to define it as 'I am important/I am somebody' - not realizing that this is deception and conformism and signifies that I do not trust myself unconditionally here constantly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to become aroused from the fact that I wake up in the morning about some sticky wet stuff came out from my genitals - not remaining undefined and wanting to find an excuse to feed off sexual system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have sex to release my emotional compounded suppression on a simple way to be able to remain the exact same reaction memory-based personality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as sleepy when I sleep less than 4 hours.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the typing and screen when typing this self-forgiveness by defining that this is 'there' and I am here instead of realizing that I am here as my expression as one as equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate my exgirlfriend's mind on a way what she can't perceive because of her dishonesty what she didn't realized yet instead of support her as me as one as equal to show her and my accepted and allowed nature and correct myself as moment as self-corrective application as actual change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not write every day and when I write I just flow out just like zapping out the compounded stuff what I have not allowed to express momentary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not being aware that I manipulate beings on a way what they do not see or understand or be aware because their self-deception and by seeing this dishonesty within me but not changing and using this to get profit by managing them to act on the way what I would like - this is separation, control, manipulation, not one and equal expression in and as the moment - as the words indicate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to control others in anyway whatsoever because I have no control over me because I allowed myself to being controlled by my accepted and allowed dishonesty as inner reactions on my own self-definitions and to be able to propose or perceive myself as who is not lost - to have the 'visual/perception' of the control I 'gained' on others to define it that 'I am in control'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as tired when I experience this dizzyness/swampyness/numnbness/unawaredness - instead of realizing that I am simply not here as breath as moment and I am here as thoughts/emotions/feelings what means I give my power away to the holographic illusionaric systematic experience to apparently live instead of me being and experiencing and expressing myself here as in oneness and equality with and as the moment as all as me as one as equal as the breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to close myself from people by stating out/defining that 'they are dishonest anyway, sho why should I meet' instead of realizing that I try to separate myself from that part what I defined as I separated myself from such as 'others' - to not want to face to specific part of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have control over events and circumstances instead of being always here and simply express myself here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have a relationship just beacause I defined it on a 'stable way to not want to think about sex, because I can do it without striving' and than I can expressz myself freely without the urge to spend time to 'find a way to have sex'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to sex.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to how beautiful womam I could have sex with - not even the fact that I 'have/had' but the possibility itself as perceived power.

This showed up three points: time/power/sex triangle.

So the fear from not having enough time to get the power but with sex I could have. lol

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not having enough time to 'get what I want' or to experience what I desire - instead of realizing that I am here and I am separated myself from my power as my presence as my totality as moment and I defined it conditionally and by this I became the slave of the illusionaric choice of CONdition.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that if I seek after power - I wont find it or it will be conditional as illusionaric because my presence as my totality is my power as self-expression what I want and it can be only here when I am absolute self-honest with myself and I will myself and direct and motivate myself as who I really am as life in oneness and equality as breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define to have sex as power - because than I equated the disturbing emotional systematic behaviour's frictions by regularly charging out instead of realizing the dishonesty to actually change and eventually STOP to not being slave of this release.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define sex separatedly from me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define sex as joy separated from me.

I forgive myself that I associate to the sunlight when I look up to the spotlight with closed eyes and wanting to experience the beach with sunlight - instead of realizing that if I really would want it, that I should go there or seeing the dishonesty within me why I want to be 'there' instead of realizing that I am here(or both).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define that I prefer hot beach and define it 'best place' because of my memories and definitions about beach.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define beach as beautiful and define that if I am at the beach than I do not have to do anything and I can enjoy the beach - instead of enjoying myself as breath in every single moment regardless to where I am.

I forgive myself that I want to 'have the experience' at the moment of 'that's it, that's all I am empty of thoughts and emotions' - signifying that I want it because I can't experience because of the ongoing inner reactions what I can't (or I do not want to) direct so that's why desire arises as a hope).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the feelings as thought information systems flowing around within my body around my solar plexus and defining it intense and defining it pleasant - instead of realizing that when I experience this - I am separated from what is here and I am unaware of what is here and this simply means I am not totally here.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be aware/be self-intimidated of what these emotions/feelings mean in and just re-experiencing with the excuse that 'I don't know' what these means, so anyway I do some phisical divertion from it to try to avoid it by hoping that will help to stop it or not coming back - simply bullshiting instead of be here and open myself and realize what is here - especially what specific thoughts I allowed just before I experience this emotions/feelings circulating within my trunk.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that I automatically react to specific words by the relationship what I built up between words and this systematic association network does this emotion/feeling system because as I use words - the 'definition trees' what are hanging on the words are also 'loaded up' and this flows within my human physical body and make this perception of inner separation without even being aware that simply I do it just before I experience.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to remain inner silent just to not be aware what I experienced before using this as an excuse to actually not realize what I accept and allow continously to be self-honest to actually change as STOP.

no tit lee

Self-dear-action

Interesting what I experience - in the last year I stopped to take psychedelic stuffs such as acid, mushroom, ganja etc - and what I experienced with these - I was kind of tuned onto something and when I realised their limits, I did put down these 'tools' - because I separated myself from these, and in fact I separated myself from myself by these - yet I could explore myself more intensely than before - and it has a polarity as everything what comes from the mind - and I enjoyed myself extensively as being conscious! or being aware of things around me, extensively I pronounce the music.
And in the last year I totally stopped this and I was like this is related to drugs, and then yesterday at the first time since looong loong ago, I had nothing to do, I was just on the bed to take a nap and it happened so fastly, even I was about to rest more, but then I was awake and I listened the music what I put in - and I just listened - and I had nowhere to rush inside of me, and I allowed myself just enjoy what is here as music as me and it was extensive! Even I was like on acid - I heard all parts of the music, and in fact I experienced the music inside of me as me - interesting exploration - this is kind of not even a 'hearing'.

And I experienced this many many many times before, and I was totally forgot what kind of experience is this, and yesterday many stuff just I became aware about, especially that everything is here as me - and I 'wanted to throw out' these experiences/experiments about psychedelics - and it is not possible - and this is a real gift of me as me to be here as joy as awareness and I was naturally ROFLing about how cool the music within and as me.

Ok but this is not the whole story, as I have really flat sound nearfield studio monitor speakers with specific amplifier what makes the sound just awesome - and the music!
Peace orchestra I've listened this many many times before with acid and this was kind of similar experience, BUT - without anything, without anything what made my mind glow - and of course people said to me - "Hey Tala, you took too much, you've managed yourself to remain high, that's why you don't take anymore..." Hmm if the 'highness' could mean that I found myself here and the seekness makes me to be not here than when I just accept myself here and enjoy whatever I experience, then this is it...

Self-direction - what this means for me at the moment?
This means that I move - and I direct myself and I act and whatever I do - I do not define - I do not separate it from myself anymore - of if I find that I still do - then self-direction means to stop this definition-based self-definition-kind expression(what is in fact suppression) - and applying self-forgiveness is self-direction when naturally, absolutely, momentary it is here as me as one as equal.
And I direct myself and I express who I am at the moment - whatever it means - the meaning is just that I am expression and I explore and I influence and I am here.

So I am preparing myself to write a book about my drug experiences, and this is self-direction. And I continue to translate some articles, the 'origin of self' is about 1/3 and I will continue the Structural resonance articles. This is a great support and I explore my communication skills.
And I realised that in hungarian I can't even express myself according to the process of self-realisation because I've never heard, the english words are coming up when I say - and this can be a real stabilization and support to translate.

And I really want to make videos, especially videoclips without using text layers to be able to express myself with sound and movies only and I direct myself to not start multiple 'projects', only doing one at a time - and this is looks like a bit 'slow', because I have accepted and allowed myself to do multiple things all the time and mostly I did not finished these, so I want to direct myself to do one and then move on to the next one - to develop discipline, to develop trust, to develop focus.
The new one is about one minute from four and I enjoy it extensively and will continue until it's finished.

What came up recently, that I dreamed about a girl, and it repeated, the dream was different but the starting point of the dream about this girl was the same, and in fact I started to being attracted to this girl one and half year ago but I just stepped out of this scene because of my fears and my inhibitions and my suppressions - and she had a boyfriend and I did not wanted to mess up things and I simply stopped to meet with her and also at this times I had the kind of 'command to me from me' about 'I do not need girlfriend' - and this was because I did not wanted to face with myself as myself what I already accepted and allowed within and as myself as desire as self-doubt and the desire to control, manipulate, get attention and positive feedbacks to be able to react to get trust indirectly, conditionally and of course divert my attention from myself to an apparently beautiful being who respects me with her precious attention, care, love etc.
And this was real bullshit and also I knew that this is kind of stinky, because until that point I got some experiences, memories about this kinf or 'relationships from several girls.
So I was unsure and I was like 'it's better to not mess up with the beehive'.

And about 6 weeks before I dreamed with her and I was like ok, this could mean anything, and maybe I write to ther to meet, but then I did not.
And then when I dreamed again with her, it was more obvious that I have unfinished business with her - and there is nothing to do with her personally, because it is showing my nature what I have accepted and allowed within myself.

And I wrote to her simply to face with this physically and anyway anything can happen, except that I go into a relationship - because I am aware that is of mindfuck.
So I will meet with her and she wrote that she has some exams and then we will meet, and I am facing with the mind-work to 'think about this or her' and then I stop this bullshiting, because it is not real. But what is more important to not just stop the thinking about her at the moment, but to see what is of the starting point, and the actual reason of why I 'went into this'. And then applying self forgiveness specificly and then to not follow this pattern. Or if yes - this can bring me 'more deeper' or indicates that my self forgiveness was not real from the perspective of being one and equal with and as me as applying as actual change.

So it looks fun to face with this and not fight agains myself, more likely then 'hmm let's see and then express and direct and change.
And after that some faces - those who I referred before as 'friends' - said to me that they met with her and she is totally kind of lost and would be cool that I meet with her anyway.

So if this will happen, I do not let myself to bullshiting, so I prepare myself: examining the definitions and opinions about her what I accepted and allowed to form and participate and maintain and broadcast - what are simply just of memory and would determine myself according to her what is unacceptable.

I defined her as beautiful, really awesome gorgious kind of perfect shaped, faced girl.
And by polarizing I defined her as silly, childish, unmature and naive.
And then to polarize this too, I defined this as cool but I defined this that I could not bear her for a long time, because she can 'miaouwww' all the time what makes many people tired but for short burst I enjoyed it extensively, especially when she did this kind of 'miaooouw' expression toward me.

So this unfolds much, but I go more...
I met with her in a buddhist camp, and she does meditation quite much but not really an 'ironheaded' one than other guys who I know(and in fact these all have built up a polarity about not to be aware and 'having' an obsession with another stuff to equalize this intention to get enlightened...anyway...)
We once ate magic mushroom with other 2 persons and we enjoyed ourselves quite much, we slept outside on the balcony and enjoyed to sleep 4 of us to sleep together and she slept on my side and her feet was on my feet totally because she felt cold and I enjoyed it but I did not allowed myself to enjoy this totally because she had boyfriend and anyway it was not sexual stuff, more likely an innocence expression. And in that time I was possessed to want to with an another girl and my mind was about that girl, but in fact I liked this one more likely but I gave up because she had friend already.
So this was cool experience and one more when we met was about we went into museum to see inca exhbibition and we enjoyed together and I enjoyed that she is so joyful and she could laugh so much that she had to sit on the ground and people just looked and I enjoyed that she can express herself. There were some more occasions when we met but after a while we did a gmail chat and she asked about do I miss her and I said no, but in fact yes and I said to her that 'your boyfriend who should miss you, what you have, so I can't and I was speaking about trance to divert the topic.
And she always wanted me to 'take her to goaparty' and I did not do, but also I wanted.

So if I am aware of these dishonesties and apply self-forgiveness about this, I wont fall into the same mindtrap what I did several times.

First of all to become obsessed with the picture presentation of her body, face, eyes etc.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my human physical eyes to see the pictures of the girl, not realising that for my human physical eyes can only see what my mind can see, based on memory and self-definitions what are projected to outside.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tend to follow and wanting to see only pictures what I judged as 'beautiful', 'nice' to divert my attention from myself who I judged as 'not so nice', 'ugly', 'mediocrate' etc.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the pictures what I see in the mirror or directly from my eyes on my head.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define G as beautiful, nice, marvellous, gorgious, just because of my definitions match with her picture presentation of her mind consciousness system. In this case the one mind consciousness system looks at an another mind consciousness system and here is no life at all as awareness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define her expressions as childish, naive just because I judged children as this and I judged myself that I am uncapable to express myself so naturally and I defined this childish - indicating that I am not child anymore as I am not expressing myself as this, and even I defined this as 'not desireable', but not totally, only sometimes.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that I seek the childishness within her because I defined that I lost this within me and to 'get back' I want to be her because then when I am with her - I can be like this as her.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to become childish by a condition - instead of realizing that I am already here as child - so stop wanting and push myself trough my limits based on memory and locked by fear and express and express and express here constantly, continously.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be with her and desire to have sex with her and to touch and see her and have her because then I am more with her than without - indicating that I define and experience myself as hollow as not total and this is why I want her to get the idea of perceived totality what I could not find, experience alone here, just because of the self-definied self-separation by desire, by self-doubt, self-pity, self-defeat.

This is a cool gift to be aware why I could desire this girl, because then I can be free of my desire.
So this point I will return again and again and again until it's not totally clearly here as me as one as equal and then when we meet I am here and I direct myself here and I assist myself and her as one as equal to not mindfuck anymore.

Perspective

Perspective
Per spect (at) I've

Unusual casual un-arousal carousel

The living words

Welcome to Wordistan!

So when I move - mostly phisically for instance around people on street - I walk - I am walk.
I breath and I walk and I am breath as walk as I am walk as breath.
What I experience - that I am actually aware that I am mostly stuck at a point - and the interesting part is of this when this 'stuck-ness' changes - mostly attention divertion from one point to another - and while I am defining myself as what I am defining - a kind of inner law-enforcement system what determines what to determine - it determines when is time to change the 'subject of what I stuck'.
Simply it is a thought - when I dishwass that can happen:
I remember for something, it can be barely anything and then I just repeat it constantly continously - for instance when I saw George Carlin's video about 'stuffz' - while I diswashed - I repeated this word about a hundred times! Really like a nasty robot what has some failed diodes. It is like I repeat and I do something. And repeating it so strongly, and then sometimes a variation goes, as remembering how Carlin said : 'TOO MUCH STUFF' - and then I repeat this for a couple of times and then just things like that - and after a while it happens as I understand what I do - and I jump over to an 'another memory of Carlin's show' - just like the 'They want to show you the pictures, of these gargoyles' - or an another what happened many times: 'It's all bullshit, folks, and it's bad for ya!'.

I am not sure, that I did this before, but at this moment it can happen - and it is like my accepted and allowed nature almost instantly manifests - first in my head - no supression or not so strong so thoughts are arising constantly - and I am not here...and I am doing what I do phisically - just diswashing or repairing a tool or any like this and I am totally not here just repeating these thoughts. And it is way too intense to be able to desrcribe but I can tell that this is nearly insane.
Obviously I am possessed with my own mind by and actually AS my acceptance and allowance, until I STOP.
The self-definition what I became - not even self I am only self-definition system I became.

Ok--- I realised I did this before, especially when acidtrips I had alone - probably I did the same when I was kid -- fear.

Expression I am - and when I judge - I can judge the judgement to justify the justification.
And actually I want to stop but first I allow myself to logically explain with the language of programming by words to how and why to stop and then I am freezed because I realise that I stuck in a loop and then I do some 'circles' and then 'SHIT' stand up and I literally just realize what I do and simply I start to act - and in fact then I do not think over, I just do - and I can experience for instance for some cases I start to act to actually escape from self-definition - and this is not who I really am - as I accept and allow a starting point of action-reaction as consciousness system. It is unacceptable, complicated and very very unpractical - as it always has a 'wheelup/warmup' time.
Because I start to act immediately when the frustration and supression reaches it's level when I programmed myself to act immediately - but until that I really need to do this to be able to act - and by this I am the slave of my own polarity - of my own creation what is my limitation and I became.

Also I rewatched porn to see my reactions and I got aroused and I did it again but I did not masturbated, but I became 'wet' and then I realised what I do - and also at one time while I watched this - I observed what is here and this is what I wrote:



"Looks like I react to perceived other's reactions...
what are basically has to be within me to be able to even recognise, and then react.
So seeking other's reactions: I seek my reactions arising to other's reactions - what are already within me but 'alone' I can't experience them because I want to experience this relationship indirectly with my defined reactions to perceived(by defined) other's reactions - to validate it's realness, finally my realness - because in fact I am not real only this relationship and it is not real.
So all the time about this and no need to see directly how excactly it is here - but indirectly is not so obvious that I am delusioning myself about this whole 'way of life' is but an illusion."


Hmm a bit foggy, but the meaning of this is like I define myself according my reactions to my own definitions - based on my other definitions what are used to define reactions.

So I define the picture-based existence based my own reactions - what are also based on my reactions, only on a different level.

Multi-leveled definition-reaction system.


Self-forgiveness-----

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from words.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be aware of what thoughts I allow - and compounding it for a level until it is obviously overwhelming.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the thoughts will stop if I do say 'STOP' and then diverting my attention to breath - this is separation - I am already breath - I am already here.
Diverting attention to here is not possible - because what is here can not be attended - can not be attained, it is common sense - because I am actually phisically here, and my attention is an indication that I am working on and as what is not here - what is not who I really am, what is not real.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stuck in a single thought - simply those thoughts I can stuck what I reacted - positive, negative all are the same - so when I defined something as really good or really bad - it comes back to smack into my head and I am experiencing until I do not let it go by realizing that is not who I am, that is not necessary to define myself by and as this to actually express myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to express myself as I just momentary am here to simply LIVE as self-expression, because of fearing of other's judgement and fear from being outcasted or rejected. These are past'based mind-carvings what are not necessary anymore - because I am here as life as breath as one as equal as all in oneness and equality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to being aroused to the picture of sexual content such as pussy, dick, clit or the sound of of screaming a woman.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to supress my sexual desire - because I judged as nasty, and I judged as my drug and I judged it as not so 'profound' and I judged it as 'makes me tired' and 'I can be possessed on it if I let it happen' - so basically fearing from being stuck in sex - so I simply escaped from this, and I defined myself 'good when I do not need sex' - to polarize the desire and judging it ad bad and at the same time judging 'to not have sex' as good.

Yes this is an usual human-excuse - as I have this shit, I fight against it, but when I lose, 'hey I am only a human', everyone needs desire, sex. Self-definition, self-defeat, self-pity. Bullshit, and it's bad for ya. LOL

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that I everything is here - simply I am here and I apply myself constantly and continously here with me as me as breath as expression and live the words what I speak as one as equal as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define Carlin as good - instead of realising that I judge him about he could express himself, even about shit, especially about he do not take shit, and I did not this because I was freaky, coward or self-doubtful and too tricky to want to be the nice guy more likely than who kick asses.
But in fact it is unacceptable. I can't take shit anymore, especially total mind-bullshit.

Of course also is to be aware to not attack any sentient being, because they are all reflecting me back trough my self-defined self-existence as one as equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put a girl's picture into my mind's podium about the good relationship's target she could be and then becoming totally possessed and not be able to experience what is here - and want to have to meet with my own definitions what are based on previous definitions, such as cute, beautiful or optimal or love or support.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire for have sex but at the same time not wanting to do it because then it would be obvious what I desire for - and I defined myself trough and as this polarity of resitance/fight winning, losing and without it I could not define myself according to the self-definitions about me based on past.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that the mind is taking samples from those moments when there were 'peaks' of reactions such as 'emotions'/'feelings'/'thoughts' and the apostrophes are indications of it can be various kind of subject but their nature are the same - self-defined mind-picture-based sound-vibrational frequency samples.
This is again looks like the fuzzy logic control system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as pervert just because I saw sexual videos on internet.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define others as pervert just because they are expressing themselves just like they are really obsessed with sexual behaviour. I mean behaviour because it is commonly not self-expression - doing this and that and that's all - and everyone are rushing after the energetic lifting and the release.
So profound, so hollow.

Bitter dark raw straight intense stable

These words are me - but I defined these based on other definitions - to separate myself from these words, to simply associate to things and then reacting on a self-programmed way - but in fact I supressed these expressions because I had 'kind of' problems with these.

This awareness is quite interesting - a kind of below the conscious 'mode' - as I am not even conscious about what I write - no prediction - but yet it continous and not totally nutty insanity - and I am expressing myself and I am just typing and I am here as the words on this screen, and when autosaves, I am here on the blog server, I am here on the blogpost, and in fact I am here as the keyboard, and I am here as the music I hear(Amon tobin) and I am here as the intense spotlight what is shining upon me and in fact I am here as everything what I do not define yet I experience.
This is what I allow to stop by facing with some shit from past and I supress it or I stop to express myself, because:

- I want to define what came up - not realising that I already defined this, that's why it came up based on a condition
- I want to define what came up, because I want to examine to decide it is 'good enough' or not and then by defining it as good I sink into my positive reactions - or when defining as bad then re-examining from an another perspective or experiencing reactions and I stop express myself and going inside, supressing, etc etc
- I want to define because I want to remember for this, about 'hey I am aware' - but when I judge it - I already lost my expression as simply undefined moment.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not being good enough - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself from being judged about I am not good enough. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even consider myself about I am good enough or not. Common sense. Good enough for what? For me? Self-defnition - obvious mind-fuck, not real. For others? Obvious mind-fuck - compromise, self-doubt, separation. STOP.

Mails with a orto doxy

I wrote to him about he blamed desteni about some scriptures and I wrote to this video about the bible is a lie and come on be self-honest...and he wrote this privately:

The Commmunists want you to believe the Bible is a lie. But history proves to the contrary. Look at all the fulfilled prophecies. The Bible and Christianity has produced countless thousands of saints. It can't possibly be a lie. You don't have enough information my friend.

So I wrote one letter to him what I share here.

------

Haven't you seen the Matrix movies?

"Morpheus, the prophecy was a lie. Just an another part of the control."

An when the war rages in the world around you --- you can only use these scriptures to wipe your freaky ass when the god(as the order of money) will cleanse that land where you "live" -
and until that showing to yourself that you are powerless, beLIEver who can't take responsibility at all and still hoping and waiting to an other saint who will bless and save from the hunger and poverty and poison and bombs?

What about those 35 000 odd children who are dying each day just because of the god of man is good - I mean COMMON SENSE - spiritual,godritual, all are the same :
doing small unsignifcant grey steps every day in the shadow of an illusoric fairytale what obviously wrote by those who wanted the sheeps to comply in order to remain in power.

Have you seen the ZEITGEIST? Or George Carlin?
This word communists wont enough to hide behind of belief-systems...
Muslim hindu buddhu CRYstian are exactly the same just the picture different - the same mind consciousness system is operating by program just using different pictures...

What means to be human I mean even the animals are more aware than those who are waiting for a saiver...
Ah and why don't you become a "saint" then simply smoothly and then be THE savior?
Because if you would dare to attemt - you woluld realise the stupidity and the unrealistic way of your behavior and faith...

and it is not about information, I did my own research some years ago, I read all what is related to past to realize - all are lies - always the winners of wars wrote the scriptures, come on...it is just about power...and information or knowledge is totally useless, as books wont save you when it is time to ACT - to EXPRESS, to LIVE, to CHANGE...information, knowledge just an excuse to not be free, only to do what is told to do as right to escape from the fear from being wrong...look all as one, not only particles

BE SELF-honest - trust yourself first - not in another's words
BE SELF-responsible - take your own shit to deal with
BE SELF-forgiveness - to forgive YOU what you accept and allow to BE AWARE to CHANGE

BE GOD for your sake and for all's sake as one as equal...
But in fact by your definitions you just separate yourself from the idea of god - so please examine yourself first - who you really are - at this moment - as that moment - in all moments - because inevitably the fact that you are actually HERE - and this is not only the physical location, I mean the real meaning who you really are: look at the words : I AM HERE.
I am what is here - I am all what is here. I am all - I am here.
This is common sense - so you are everything already - just need to unify, realize, let go of self-doubt, self-pity, self-hatred by memory - the past determined you to be who you are at this moment - so please open up your past and be self-honest, self-intimidated to re-experience those moments when you decided you to be who you are HERE - when you defined yourself as rely go ous? and why ? What were the starting point? I mean of course of fear and self-doubt, but you have to be very specific to pinpoint - and then you can realise you wanted to escape from yourself and projected this shit out of you - and it created a polarity - so you started to trust in something to rely on - bigger what can say to you what to do - and of course the @god@ story is good bullshit story because it is obviously can not be proven - I know this way as I did the same with buddha - I really understand this way of 'living' yes, I was full of shit but in fact

it is unacceptable - not anymore - we have to stand up as all as self as equal - not only for myself, for family, for friends, for little community, but for all of life - and this is what we are going and that's why we do not take bullshit and this is why so funny when religious people write to desteni about blablablablabla - not realizing that they are actually showing up their own accepted and allowed nature - how much resistance you have how much you have to go further to be self-honest to give up this one point of separation what separates you from you as all life?

I mean please -

start dig your past beacuse this is what made to you who you are - and there is no any excuse to play stupid - because if you do so : you are just stupid.


And one more about demons - you are actually a mind demon, no more - as if you stuck in a single point of thought - such as religion or exorcism or stg like this - you are possessed with this and obsessed and as you always were definition system - can't stop define yourself as others and then you define yourself as this 'religious outstander' and then you are a demon - because demon is not a red bloody monster - a demon who is lost within it's illusionaric reality.

The god what is here as physically - governments, taxes, money, war, rape, murder - those are the main points of the actual god of man. This is what has to fall - and will fall oh yes, just look at the current stage of the systems - if you start research - it is common sense as it is already falling - and no god, no savior, no saint will come to save us all - because it is inevitable, because it is what we as all humanity already created.

enjoy
be SELF-HONEST,

tala as life as desteni as all as equal

Self forgiveness: thinking

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that with thoughts I can understand how things are.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I think, I can figure out what is happening.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I am thinking, I can actually solve the situation only by jumping from thought to thought - believing that there is a 'final thought' what could be the solution.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that by thinking I can not escape from what is here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when I am thinking, actually I am helping myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to thinking, and 'using' this participation when I do not want to face with and as myself as all as me as one as equal here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that with thinking I can protect myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe, to think that I have to protect myself - instead of realising that a definition system as personality what I want to protect to not have to face with the fact that is of delusion as dishonesty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to divert my attention with thinking from what is actually here as breath as body as physical.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust in my thoughts to blindly follow to do what are saying - instead of realising that is of dishonesty, of separation of mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to choose to think instead of breath here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that thinking is helpful.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to become addicted to thinking.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that thinking is a possible way to defend and express myself when I am incapable of doing this phisically, especially in a situation when confrontating with others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when I confront with a person that I am confronting with this being personally, instead of realizing that I am confrontating myself with my own mind-definition.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that I as mind see only what I defined - that's why I wanted to define everything and that's why I see only my definitions only.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust in my definitions.

Stop fighting

No need to fight - this is the point what looks fine at this moment.
Many happens but in fact this realisation came up several times - was like a thought - but then was like a moment as like a circle ark - like here is this situation and I am exploring and just experiencing this fact - that I do not fight and I do not fight - and I do not fear of loss as inferior because of the perceived win/defeat by definitions - this god of man article is very assisting - the self-forgiveness points and the self-corrective assistance in writing and the assesments...
So this is like I am in the situation and no need to avoid, no need to deny, no need to control, because no need to fight - and I can not be harmed as who I really am as life as breath.
Very cool and exploring that to in this moment that I am breathing and that's it...I mean this is it...I breath and I mean it and I am breath...
Some moments came up - as some situations what were like before I fell into schemes to control or avoid - such as meeting with a crazy drunk who talks to me or facing with several girls at company and no need to control or show up to be able to manipulate or defend - just I am here and totally free of definitions and then this is cool...

the self-forgiveness points what assisted me much; I write here:

Self-forgiveness: fight.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that if I attempt to fight against something, I create resistance and in that resistance I will lose, because I am making the statement that I need to fight against that which I believe is more than me.
And thus will manifest as 'that which is I believe is more than me' 'having power over me' - against which I will loose.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'play the game' of 'win/loose' in the manifested participation of me in a conflicting/confrontational situation/event, which in essence is a game of 'win/lose' as a game of 'inferiority/superiority'.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that such conflicting/confrontational situation/event is revealing/showing my true nature as what I accept and allow myself to exists as.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that I can only exist in the manifested expression of as defence if I believe that there is something of me that is being 'threatened'.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that the only manifestation within me, of me, that can experience being 'threatened' in a confrontational/conflicting situation/event is a personality-design of mind consisting of and existing as a self-definition, that a definition of me is being 'attacked' and 'threatened' which I believed I must defend.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that I'm actually attempting to/trying to 'fight myself', therefore I will experience loss, because it's impossible to 'fight myself'.
---
And it looks like that if I even consider about 'fight' for instance 'heey, I do not fight' - then it is like I realize that I forgot to fight or I simply gave up fighting or I simply direct myself and not allow to participate within past definition-defense-mode; because it is obviously dishonesty, or it is quite directed to the 'edge' to not even 'having' any other choice - if was so - then laughing can emerge because simplicity I am and how fool I can be to attempt to avoid to stop this shit in and as one breath.

I watched Carlin's 70years old show yesterday night and enjoyed it extensively and today saw this Carlin's article about 'the real holy shit'.

2 Dreams

I had to sleep a bit more, I had to go to sleep early because I was kind of tired and then I dreamt. Yesterday or 2 days ago and in this morning also were kind of 'stable' dreams.

First one was very interesting and brought up some stuff from theese days.
The second one just happened and was really fun when I woke up.

First one:

I arrived to India - there are my friends, who just visited me because I gave back some money and they are kind of hippies. And we met and was strange because this couple was not together anymore and were in 'peace with this' and my friend the guy just jumped up and ran to another girl who I knew from past but I do not know who is in this real life, but he started to have sex with her just for some seconds for joy and maybe to show that he is occupied with this girl, and not the other who he is commited to in real life, who has also an other hippie guy already.
So it was on a HUGE hill around mountains and pits and was very green and was kind of amazing. And as this scene happened, after some seconds some guys came to me and they were clothed kind of authentic and sayed - 'ah an another translator, welcome' and was cool for them and I experienced this ' appretitiation' and happiness because I will help to translate some stuffs.
And then I started to see the sky over the hill because there were about hundreds of horses and were flying around just like the flying ants and were sparky blue and yellow strong lighted and were really amazing experience to see this and I said right then, where is the camera, I have to record this, and I was around to find the cam and then I woke up in my room.

What I see atm in this dream:
-I redefined my friends as cool support because I had undefined fun with them again when they visited me(I gave back much money)(because I did not bring up the topic of self-honesty and organic robots etc, only spoke about farm a bit about when can I visit) as they appeared in my dream and I visited them in India - as they are going to there very soon(we were together there)
-I am sure that all relationships will fall - even their because they look very happy with each other and I see that is based on sex and also I got sex movies from a girl and there was this position what he repated in the dream
-We spoke about he wants to translate stuffs and I also decided to continue to translate SR articles and I want to get some appretiation about 'I am translating this' and to hand on others trough getting their illusionaric feedback from me
-And I am amazed with the light by it's visual complicatedness and I want it to record to use it later as signifiing how much self-definition is based on memory and pictures(also with the sex and the people's robes and the beautiful horses, nature, flies etc)

--
Next dream: I am somehow in a big house and I am doing something computer stuff when some child show up and they are playing - and then somehow there are some adults who starts to shout and make the children fear and I just stand up and take over the situation and I say them very determined to stop this abuse and I do not accept this and simply let theese kids to be.
And then somehow a girl shows up - maybe my ex, Eniko, but not sure, but looks like her a bit, and then somehow I start to explore the house and is like a tiny castle in a bigger house - and I see that I did set up multiple computers - 4 near the sleeping room and 4 at the living room and then suddenly people start to come and many people around me and many friends from past and some workmates and they enjoying this place and each other and me and I realise that holy shit, this is my new apartment, and I enjoy this whole shit and still exploring this big house and has trees on the court and kind of gothic dark stlye inside and there is a little room what I can look in but there is no door, and I start to wonder what is that and how I can not go in and then how it would be possible, and then people went and children are sleeping and then I see as a really big dark-armored styled clothed knight-like guy is arriving and looks very confident and self-determined, self-enjoying and he is looking at me and then start to look after things in the house and just moving and taking some and then I ask about who is he and what is this place and I realise I just occupied this house and maybe this is the owner and then now what will happen?
And he is smiling and he is saying that he has this house and he just starts to travel so I can be here and I do not understand and also ask about what is this about and how it can be and I was wondering about maybe Jack or Mykey did something and even I am not sure about what he answered but looks like I have new place and is cool and then I wake.
---
Hmm - this is about in the next days I start to find a new place because this is over soon.
And I had the desire to obtain big place to get receive many people to visit, as I did this in the past when I was in the smokey era and when people came, it was always just in time.
And about the kids, I lately listened the neighbour mother how she shouts almost screaming to her tiny kids and they start to cry and is total abuse and fear-based inprinting and I was at a time kind of pissed off but then realised is nothing to do with them (anyway shall I ring to them and say something profound?), but better to see my reactions and apply self-honesty.
Also as I see multiple computers in the dream what I obtain - I defined this as more cool and in fact more effective I can be on this way if I have more - because while one is processing, I still can do something on the other, and I have an intent to get big LCD screen to my laptop and this desire was manifested.
And I spoke with a girl and she said that in the past I was always with people and many houseparties and now I am kind of alone and closed and why and blablabla...
So probably I still have desire to have people around and I can be the center or the 'owner of the place or party' to get reactions from others to define me as good or happy or worthy.

Also when a girl popped up who looked my exwife - and I had not much intent to do something with her - as I am dechaining myself from her still - but I am not obsessed with her anymore.
Hmm and as the guy comes along who is big knight-like - I am actually facing with the past-self-doubts about how strong or big or muscular a man and how rich - and I could not be like this so I had to suppress and now releasing this and this guy is like a symbol of this, but still appeared a bit superior - because I felt inferiority.
Also when the mentioning of Jack and Mykey happens - as a hope to get help from dimensions - indicates my self-trust is not absolute here.

Also when I see the little room where is no door, but I can see in - about self-intimacy - there are places within me what I already see but I can not walk in to face yet but I am finding out how it can be...

Self-forgiveness: momentary

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that when I start to dissolve a dishonesty-system as starting to open myself and forgiving myself - then this whole shit just manifest right into the face - due to the not absolute self-will - and it is kind of like this:
I have a big desk and I open the drawers to throw out unnecessary shit, and I open it and find a case what contains pictures about a thai bitch for instance and instead of forgiving myself and letting it go - by seeing and understanding what this represents within my life and where is the point of self-deception as dishonesty - even when I start to do this - at some points, it can happen that I experience this:
I am facing with a point and I do not forgive immediately, and then this point brings up an other and then this goes on and on and on and when many points are here - what I accept and allow to come up without self-directive self-correcting application - simply this shit manifests - for instance I am starting to desire to speak, touch, sex with a girl(in this example) and then I realise this, and when I do not start over - I see a tendency to simply jump over. Like I have desire, oh shit, I do not participate, rather than doing video animation or playing computer or diswashing - and this jumping doing and probably makes a full circle with and as the actual dishonesties - as for instance
-self doubt about work and money issues then I can start to think about the project at work and the actual work what can be done to optimise
-having issues about a girl I met and she speaks all the time about sexual and enjoyment and the lack of it
-wanting to make a videoclip and I faced with issues about missing some video footage about oil war so how can I get theese clips?
-etc

And I start o think and then I say STOP and breath, or 4 count breath and the other one comes up and then the other and is like a multi-threaded server or how the databases work, where are the connections in the pool and picking up one and doing some steps and then put it back and then grabbing another - to 'serve multiple connections' at the same time.
And it is very similar - and I want to focus to one point at a time - and doing it until it's done - and then doing another - because then it would be more clear - - but in fact these threads are already here and running and I am jumping over and over and over.
And this is a kind of defense mechanism to not face with an issue totally and being able to keep self-definition by this occupation - and standing on multiple legs - to ensured that I wont fall because when one is bleedy, then I stand on another 3.
So this is very tricky but I am.
I started to see this one in the last week and here I can describe it at first time, so I have to deal with this.
And obviously the solution could be like focusing only to one - but the way as this 3D works - I am participating fully and theese dishonesties are working and determining my world and my act.

The work is probably the more clear: when I am at workplace - I work and that's it - because when I work when I am at workplace - then I do it 100% and then I can not doubt within myself because I do it as I can and anything comes up - as deadline or etc - was not my 'fault' simply just already here as past so just breath and do it and trust myself.

The woman-desire stuff is more tricky because if I have the knowledge about what is wrong with a sexual relationship and wanting to avoid - means I have dishonesties what I do not want to manifest because of fear - but like this I can not change myself because I fear from manifesting the same - and that's why I do not choose to touch - because of fear from not being able to direct myself - because I let myself to be directed by memory - by desire by fear.
And at the same time I can trust me and momentary expression and then facing the consequences - and like here is the moment and slowly but surely building this moment as me and expanding the moment as me until I am one moment infinitely.

That's it for this moment, and is cool because I wont forget because it is here.
I will continue with this and with other stuffs and the God of Man part self-trust step 2.

Self-forgiveness: trust - step 1b

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define girls as magical beings who brings up more from me because I gave away my power and wanting to be able to express myself but I could not and it was a 'conscious' throwing away the pieces of my power to be able to use this situation as an excuse about: 'I can not do anything, but with woman: yes.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that I judged girls to be able to divert my attention from myself as myself here - about how and who I experience myself within and as the moment and because of the intense inner fight - I used this as a divertion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to conform and see other's example about wanting and getting and having a girlfriend is normal, worthy and cool.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become programmable and eventually become programmed about wanting to have a girl because then I can enjoy myself more likely with her - instead of realising that I am here and this is an excuse because I can not enjoy alone myself.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire about a girl will find me and then she will control the situation and 'get me' and I was hoping that she will be beautiful and then I just can enjoy the fruit of this kind of relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the desire after girl as a divertion of my attetion from my inner turmoils and self-doubts into them because of the judgement of them about how beautiful and shining they are and I wanted it because I couldnt not find, experience theese words within me as me here as one as equal and I experienced this separation within me what I wanted to rejoice trough this desire instead of stopping the desire and exploring that I am here as all as breath.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define girlfriend as who I can be horny to.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define girlfriend as who I can trust about I can be able to desire her unhiddenly and get her freely and touch her body because then my desire could fulfill and I wont have to experience this lack of experience.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define touching as arousing.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define touching girl as arousing because of my past memories when I touched girls I became aroused because of other memories.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that I did put worth and value into women's body separatedly from me because I did not experienced this here as me as one and equal so I wanted to stop this separation trough having a girlfriend and whenever I would experience this separation then I could prove to myself that is not here - but in fact yes but for the moment when I could define that - I 'fulfilled my desire' - I simply equate the polarity for a moment - and then it would restart over and over and over again.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define girlfriend as somebody who is really appearing near me as something nice, beautiful, worthy, valueable, and by this I could be more recognised by other human beings, because about what I 'have'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to give a fuck about what others should judge about me.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to get other's attention to get feedbacks about me - because I perceived myself as not real and weak and unworthy so I wanted to give positive feedbacks to polarize my own fears about me.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that I am embarrased about me because of my opinional expectations about me based on my own judgements and definitions - what are based of fear - fear of me what is really fear from fear - and within the experience - I am controlled by and as it and acting it out - and I am not here only this fear.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to fit in into the society because I was fearful alone, and I saw that everyone doing this so I better copy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself because I defined that I did not find myself so wanted to find myself within other's behavioural.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define girls as value in this world because of their outfit and beauty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as skinny, poor powerless because others judged me as this and I defined myself according to what others say about me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to how others judge me based on their previous judgements - not realising then I am copying their dishonesty practicality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to balance,equate, substitute my poorness,skinnyness and powerless state by 'obtaining' a beautiful girl, my precious who can be the subject of my reflection.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to manipulate humans trough 'having a beautiful girlfriend to show up' as my value and worth to fit in and being appretiated by their own fears and judgements.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play the game about 'who I am within the system based on what others judge and reflect back to me' even when I realised this is happening - I accepted it as this is the way of indirect self-control - instead of realising this is of separation of self-dishonesty based on fear and self-doubt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see my partner's dishonesties but not standing up to say 'this is who you are' to assist her because I had the same issue - rather than I choosed to play this game as a war strategy to not become inferior and being sure that she is doing this to remain this polarity manifestation.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to manipulate my partner trough her self-doubt and fears by playing with other girls - but not totally to not have to face what I am doing - only scratching the surface - because if I would go to deep then it would be 'cheating her' - but like this it was accepted for me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that I need a partner to hide the self-dishonesty and get support to conceal dishonesty and getting feedbacks about 'I am this dishonesty, and is cool' - because the partner has the same and we support each other to remain dishonest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become self-interested, not realising that I separate myself from myself trough the perception of me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret that I defined betrayar when I tickled an another girl's bellybutton when I was drunk, especially when I told this to my girlfriend and she was pissed off.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel more important myself when a girl was fearful to loose me because then it would mean that I am worthy and valueable so I am somebody.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry and pissed off when my girlfriend told me that she did french sex with my living-mate.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define her act as having oral sex with an other guy who was living with me as betrayal.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my partner based on she 'cheated me'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt in myself when my partner had sex with an another male because of the fear that I am not good enough and then she will leave me and I will be alone and I have to face with myself alone as who I became because she wont be here to be with to occupy with to divert my attention from me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience inferiority when I was a kid and an adult said something to me as a command and I had to do it without any question.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience hate towards the grownups when they ordered me to do something what I did not wanted to do but I had not choice because I was fearful of punishment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself because I am too weak to stand up and to say no to grownups.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define grownups as more powerful than me just because of their size.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go inner supressed anger and hate because of others what forced me to do - instead of realising that this is not related to me, only themselves and it is reflecting to me and as I react - I manifest it.

I forgive myself to hate to be man because I felt powerless when I judged me according to my phisical body as muscular or not.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, to believe, to fear from the actual strength and beauty is related to how big and strong I am because the media and others and girls! said this.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek out other's positive judgements to be sure that I am cool.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become rich to buy self-confident to me to be able to act accordingly to attract women to be able to 'get' a nice one to become a man.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate my father because he was not a 'real macho man' because he was poor and weak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to shame my body because it is snowwhite and not brown as other's have.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define mind and intelligence as more 'strong' or more 'important' than phisical muscles - based on movies and books about the bosses are 'clever' and not so strong phisically - and I wanted to be boss.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny the actual phisical reality based on my thoughts about this is inferior than the consciousness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from the phisical so attemted to escape totally to 'consciousness' what is not here - but this was impossible so I started to build complex illusions to fit in and be able to remain dishonest until I could and all did not fall.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise that I am here and I can stop this definition system what moves me automatically.

Self-forgiveness: trust - step 1

I am going trough the self-support document of exploring definitions and self-dishonesty related to TRUST:
Desteni: Daily Interdimensional Diary: Part One 04/05 October 2008

I type here the context of the suggestion as well - to type it as one as equal here.
And if I experience the necessity of REPEATing the writing down a specific self-forgiveness - I'll do it.

STEP ONE:
Self forgiveness applied on the very acceptance and allowance of defining trust in separation of and as self here.

This done by investigating 'what I accepted and allowed in me as the definition of the word trust' trough writing down the very definitions of the word trust in and as me.
In this, purifying the word and thus purifying me from definitions in separation of me in relation to the word trust; to not hide behind the definition of the word.

For example:

Let's say I have defined trust as another simply just speaking the words: "You can trust me" or "I can trust you" to or towards me, then I say:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust within another saying to me: "You can trust me" or "I can trust you" - and then immediately believe "trust is now in place".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from trust - by defining trust trough a definition as words spoken by another.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from trust - by defining trust trough a definition as words spoken by another.

Or that I have defined "trust" as being able to "depend" on another:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust in separation of and as me - as being able to depend on another.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust in separation of and as me - as being able to depend on another.

From here - also take into consideration within the self forgiveness of 'definitions' - towards who and what exactly in my world have me defined trust as 'connecting' myself in relationship with others trough the word trust - thus, separating me from myself here, by being 'dependent' on others to 'make decisions for me', for example.

For example:
Let's say I've defined my mother as trust, because she always listens to me when I speak:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust in separation of and as me - as my mother listening to me when I speak, defining trust according to and as someone listening to me when I speak.

With this I continue:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust in separation of and as me - as my friends listening to me when I speak, defining trust according to and as someine listening to me when I speak, defining trust according to and as someone listening to me when I speak.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust in separation of and as me - as teachers listening to me when I speak, defining trust according to and as someone listening to me when I speak, defining trust according to and as someone listening to me when I speak.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust in separation of and as me - as girlfriends listening to me when I speak, defining trust according to and as someone listening to me when I speak, defining trust according to and as someone listening to me when I speak.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust in separation of and as me - as my classmates listening to me when I speak, defining trust according to and as someone listening to me when I speak.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust in separation of and as me - as my cousins, sister listening to me when I speak, defining trust according to and as someone listening to me when I speak.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust in separation of and as me - as my collegaues listening to me when I speak, defining trust according to and as someone listening to me when I speak.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust in separation of and as me - as my boss is listening to me when I speak, defining trust according to and as someone listening to me when I speak.

Another example: on in relationship:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust in separation of and as me- as believing that I can "trust my partner because she will only be loyal to me" - in this separating me from trust into and as relationship - only relates to the relationship itself.

So specifying it to ALL ex-girlfriends to clear and be aware of it once and for all:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust in separation of and as me - as believing that I can 'trust Eniko because she will only be loyal to me' - in this separating me from trust into and as relationship - only relates to the relationship itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust in separation of and as me - as believing that I can 'trust Anna because she will only be loyal to me' - in this separating me from tust into and as relationship - only relates to the relationship itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust in separation of and as me - as believing that I can 'trust Viola because she will only be loyal to me' - in this separating me from trust into and as relationship - only relates to the relationship itself.
She was not really girlfriend, but I desired her for a while to be and when I got it I saw the fucked upness so was not really a relationship in physicial but in my mind yes, so:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust in separation of and as me - as believing that I can 'trust Eszter because she will only be loyal to me' - ion this separating me from trust into and as relationship - only relates to the relationship itself.

Also important part - was not relationship, but kind of intense bond with this guy trough the many acids what we've been trough, so:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust in separation of and as me - as believing that I can 'trust bence because he will only be trusted to m' - in this separating me from trust into and as relationship - only relates to the relationship itself.

Nex: friends:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust as my friends defending me when another was 'out of line' towards me - instead of me not accepting or allowing myself to take the expression towards me of another personally - and assisting and supporting such beings to see what they are accepting/allowing within themselves; that they were actually 'discriminating' themselves, and not me.
Again:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust as my friends defending me when another was 'out of line' towards me - instead of me not accepting or allowing myself to take the expression towards me of another personally - and assisting and supporting such beings to see what they are accepting/allowing within themselves; that they were actually 'discriminating' themselves, and not me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust as when another lends or borrows me money.
Again:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust as when another lends or borrows me money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust in separation of me within another - when I borrowed someone money and they returned it, that this 'returning money back' is a trait/illustration/show of 'trust'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust in the actions and deeds that beings do outside separate from me.
Again:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust in the action and deeds that beings do outside separate from me.


Lets express more based on theese examples:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust in separation of me based on who with I decided to take psychedelic drug together - as this act as a trust separated from me based on self-judgements towards to the others instead of trusting me here unconditionally.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust in separation of and as me based on who with I smoked ganja based on the definition of separation of 'travelling on the same ship'.
I forgive myself rhat I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust in separation of me based on the people are 'rainbow people' or not - judging them by their words as how much rainbow gatherings they visited or how they look like as a 'rainbow-brother/sister'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust in separation of me based on defining somebody as a drummer based on he/she has a percussion drum or not - and defining this trust with the relationship with the drum as trust - instead of realising that I am here as trust as one as equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust as how people do look into my eyes and defining the profound eyecontact as a sign of trust - instead of realising that I want to find somebody to trust into and as this relationship with my own relationship with my definition of the 'profound eyecontact'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust according to how a 'sharptongued girl deals with the others' - defining it as 'I can connect with her and understanding her way of thinking so I can handle and communicate the situation as a feel of control so I can express myself freely' - this is just a perception of who I judged as this 'sharptonguedness' based on my own relationship with memory of mediterran girls are speaking very dominantly.
Oh and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust when a girl is always controlling the situation with the constant projections and rawness and attacking others by the apparent control - to wanting to trust theese kind of women because then maybe if I could trust them they would tell me what to do or how and what I am because I didnt trust me and my judgements.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust as spiritualists defenindg me when another was 'out of line' towards me - instead of me not accepting or allowing myself to take the expression towards me of another personally - and assisting and supporting such beings to see what they are accepting/allowing within themselves, that they were actually 'discriminating' themselves and not me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust as when another shares a blog or vlog about self-deception and speaks about what is dishonest and need to be stopped - instead of trusting me here and not separating myself from others trough the definition of trust.

Step Two: Investigating my life in relation to the word trust, by defining and exploring experiences I've had within which the word 'trust' played a role, and had an effect and influenced on me - manifesting memory in and as me, to which I am still holding onto and still reacting to.
Wherein I've betrayed and deceived - and also where I betrayed and deceived - self forgiveness on the experience where I was betrayed and deceived and where I betrayed and deceived another. By describing theese events - how I experienced myself - I will see more clearly this point.

So looks like I write down some what comes up at this moment and then will explore more - but the practicality has to be understood and stabilized and developed in and as expression.

So the first one what came up when I felt a bit like I've betrayed my ex-girlfriend Eniko(always called Cica, but in fact she is Eniko) - trough in Spain we went to walk trough the El Camino de Santiago and there I've met with a very interesting french girl - and I focused much attention to her and I simply lost my control and in fact did not happened anything but It could be - and this compounded day by day and I spoke with this girl and my girlfriend did not like it, and was really annoyed and fucked-up -- because we split before and came to this trip to come together again as a couple -- and I did not give a fuck and then this whole event manifested that she had an accident in her ankle and then we did not continue the trip so the french girl went by - and we were only 2 of ourselves alone and I had to support her by carry and be more directive.
And in this event I felt like I betrayed her a bit - because she showed this to me and I felt like this - because here is 'my girlfriend' and then I focus to an other girl and simply was not totally fair but the other hungarians judged Eniko as annoying crazy ass and by this I got support from them by being able to play out as I am not guilty and protecting myself with the fact that : 'nothing did happened really' - but in fact it was not my directiveness - only I did not get opportunity.

So this example was really what I bothered me sometimes when I was around this, so here I clear this totally - to unchain myself from her, and from the relationship itself and from the gult and from the betrayal and from trust.

Because I accepted and allowed to defined trust separated from me as I trust to her because she trust in me - and supporting each other to not trust in and as ourselved but to an outside source - manifesting the relationship with the self-doubt and with the relationship the dishonesty itself - as constantly depending to the other to be able to cover the dishonesty as self-doubt by projecting the trust onto other.
And within the kicking off her trust within me by manifesting her self-doubt as I could leave her to a more interesting girl - I've manifested - to show that her trust is not constant because it can not be - and I also was gloryous because I started to realise that I can not trust into her - so instead of trusting myself - I instantly wanted to put my trust from her into an another girl who was 'fresh' from the perspective of the memory 'flaws' of the trust. Because I started to stop trust in her as she cheated me and I defined trust in the lack of cheating me, instead of trusting me here and then I am always in and as trust as self as self-trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust separated from me based on my girlfriend did cheated me or not.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define cheating partner by having sex or phisically manifested expression of wanting to have sex with an another who is not me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define relationship based on the sexual habit - not realising that I have relationship with my own definitions of the relationship itself.

Oh maan, a book could be filled with this one only - because this point contains much of me what is here already until I stop.
Like I defined girls as magical beings who brings up more from me.
I defined girls who can divery my attention from my inner turmoils and self-doubts into their beautiful and shining expression.
I defined girlfriend as somebody who I can become to horny and I can trust to be able to desire and obtain freely to touch her whole body as long as I want or as like I desire.
I defined girlfriend as somebody who is really appearing near me as somehing nice, value, and then others would recognise me and respect me about wondering what I 'have' to be able to 'have' a girlfriend as much nice as this one.
I defined to have a relationship with a girl as a support who can say that I am worthy and she can tell me what is wrong within me and trusting into her let her to control me because in the belief that she will make me better - accepting and allowing to her to influence me extensively and change my behaviour as she want - because no matter what she wants of me - I wanted to have this so deeply so I gave away all other what I wanted or have but this one.
Because I defined that I can not trust in me - because based on my memory I experienced this lack of self-directiveness, this lack of practicality and this lack of strength.
And I judged my outfit and feared other's judgement about I am skinny and poor and powerless so I wanted to have something 'precious' to be obsessed and possessed and be able to show it around to out towards others to manipulate them trough their own lack of self-trust and judgemental definition systems to judge me as 'cool', 'groovy', 'the man' etc.

And I saw similarities within Eniko and she had this same cross, and I was the tool to hide - by different definitions - not likely the outfit, but more likely her perceived 'values of my inner' - she did the same - and we supported each other's dishonesty and when I felt like she had sex with others that I am spitted out, I am nothing, I am worthless, I am nobody and I felt shit - because loosing everything I had - more accuratedly I lost the perception of myself as 'good' and I lost the tool to be able to perceive me as 'the man'.
And loosing the illusionaric perception of me from her expression as 'the one' - I had to face with the always existed self-doubt, and the immense lack of self-trust - what was always here but used her to conceal.
And the same was with her and when I met with this girl - I was astonished and as Eniko did the same with other man who she judged as 'more valuable' from a perspective at the moment - I did the same so I did judged the other girl(Mathilda) and I wanted to be with her.
It is like in the computergames - in the adventure - the hero finds an another armor what has not +3 but +5 defensive, so he simply replaces them. Was the same.

And I knew all this and she also knew so I felt guilty to kicking off this unwritten agreement on supporting each other's divertion from the self-doubt as self-dishonesty.
And the only thing what made me guilt because I had the memory what I experienced when she did this kind of stuff(or more) with me - I felt really betrayed and mutilated - by my own judgements and definitions what were here to try to hide from my own fear.

Soo. this was shortly about this 'betrayar'.

And this had a previous 'similar' experience when I was the university and I became really really sick, 42C body fever I had constantly and I was not with Eniko yet, it was when I wanted her along with half year but she denied me and went to US and then was this - and a girl, Erika was around and she was a bit like as my sister - from some ways she was more my sister. And I liked her and she was nice but I did not desired her - or if yes I was supressed it deeply - but this was somewhen around...
So she was hospitaling me at the college when I was sick - unconditionally, unquestionably she was like a second mother - and I did trust into her because of this - and when I was better - I trusted her more likely - and when after a time I came along with Eniko/Cica - she did not liked this story - but I used this story as an example what could mean and what is really important to me as she helped me to not to die and she was jealous and she did not like Erika - and even expressed this and when I was drunk I was with several drunk girls and we played in a big bed and I enjoyed to tickle Erika's bellybutton and I a bit became aroused and she also but we were drunk and with others together - nothing more happened - but of course I was already with Eniko and she did not liked this story and also this one was a bit similar what repeated after some years in spain - only the pictures were different.
And how it began - I had this self-doubt because of self-judgements and other's judgements I've taken granted about I am ugly and skeleton and not really like a 'man' because I am not playing the ego's behaviour. And I could not - because my father was not like this - simply not had 'real' example of it and I felt inferior - and I felt inferior towards those who looked 'muscular' and wide-shouldered or brownskinned or wearing expensive shoes/clothes or looking more self-confidental and being smart and being able to use words properly to have what they want.
So I hated myself because I am not like that and I supressed this - so I projected this hate to theese kind of guys - and Eniko manifested this fear. And also I feared from them about what would happen when they would see that I hate them, and they could beat me and I am powerless, so this also made me to freeze.
So Eniko manifested this as she said to me "Look at this gorgious man, how cool would be if you would be muscular as this guy, you should go to gym, if you want to please me, you go, promise me you go to gym.."
Also the rule as "The man pays always" - I hated - I hated to pay anyway because I did not have money and she had the money and gave it to me to pay in the restauarnt and I hated this because I felt powerless again - because she had the money - and I had to pay - I felt like I am a slave - and still I had to act as I have a power - but I feared about being exposed as I judged myself extensively.
So I even remember the very street and bus-stop when she said this - and by this I accepted and allowed myself to become emotional/turmoiled and supressed it and manifested as self-doubt and self-hate. Hmm.
So this was like a sprout of why I wanted to 'overpole' her 'attack' to me by other girls as for instance when I met with Erika when Eniko was with me - I was unaware but we did give 2 kisses quite close to the mouth - and Eniko hated it and I still did because then I could manifest the same inner shit in her as she did with the 'macho guys'.
So it was like a fight about who has the stronger 'hit-card' about I can prove more likely that you are a piece of shit to hide that I judge and perceive myself as a piece of shit, but by whiping it to you - I see that I am superior - - until you wont hit the next one to 'balance this relationship-fight' to equate and remain this over and over and over again.

So this was a kind of deeper line of trust in relationship.
One more 'level' back when self-doubt was caused when I was in high school and I had to wait for the bus in afternoon, many times around 2 hours and the gypsies came to messing around and getting coins and 'playing around with scary boys like me'.
And I was fearful and I felt inferior and I trusted to others, and I started to visit the library and in there I was 'in safe' and I read and read and read and read.

This was also when I was in basic school - the the sport-gym-excercise teacher judged me by my white skin and being very skinny - and I had to take away my shirt and I felt totally inferior and powerless when I was totally seeable how thin I am and how white I am and others laughed at me and I also went into deeper shit instead of realising that I accepted and allowed to take it personally instead of standing and realising that what they accept and allow within and as themselves.

But this was a bit a walk-forward as I already readed some more 'God of man' articles and this just flowed from me but atm I wanted to focus on this first part of trust Step 1, Step 2, so I will return to this article and will use this taking out samples and doing the self-forgiveness in self-intimacy to stop defining myself as this memory and to stop the relationship with the defined trust instead of being me here as self as trust as self-trust.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define partner as trust towards her to hide my inferiority within me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust within the pictures what I see by my own definitions by my own relationship with my own self-judgements.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that I did put trust into clothes and other's judgement instead of me trusting me unconditionally here all ways.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that I feared to trust within me because then I would have to stand alone and I defined trust outside from me to no need to stand alone - to not realise what it would mean to stand alone - to face with and as myself.