intensified physical

facing physical limitation

after 15 years I decided to play soccer, recently I noticed that I can take intense physical exercises and if I do it with presence, it's cool for my body.

When I was a kid, I was in the village's soccer team, I was back, protecting the goalie mostly because I was hanging around back there and when the opponent team's members were approaching, my duty was to be extremely fast and direct and take the ball or kick it away.

My colleagues had more stammina, there were 3x3 membered teams and round robin we played in 10 minutes.

In the 5th minute I felt like I am spitting my lungs and strong sting pain was in my calves and my ankle felt like weird and I had to realize that my body did not do this kind of things since long years - but I had to spend some minutes rushing like a demon and doing everything to be successful - it's ball-related.

So In the beginning I jumped into the situation with full blown, like a street-fight - rushing down the others and they are doing this weekly team-play and their technique was way more better so mostly I just noticed that I missed the ball and then I did push more my body and my speed and will - I did not play that bad - but physically I was exhausted after the 10 minutes - about in the 8th minute I had even some sort of need to vomit but I breathed through - not much thinking was common sensical - some thoughts I allowed but then it was obvious that HERE is my body, HERE I breathe, I must be aware of my body otherwise I am not able to direct myself...

In the second match - I had to realize that if I am not rushing - I am able to have an overview of the field, to see how the opponents are doing the tactic and I realized - I can not outrun them as I am already tired, so it was an interesting playout to wait with the physical energy burst until the last moment when it is the best to push - timing and rhythmic - but I realized - my calves and ankles is simply too tired to do what I want from them - and it was like I want to step in about 60 centimeters and then my feet did about just 30 - and many times I lost my balance and rolled over the floor with some lol - so much enjoy I experienced simply by physically playing around.

This is like my approach from the mind into physical - first time I jump in like a paratrooper and then I realize I do not have the parachute so first approach is a fall into the ground and then I am experiencing some sort of possession of wanting to do it best and pushing my limits until I fall.

Then after a while when I realize - this body can not take that much - then I pull back and then I am trying to figure out the situation based on assumptions and then re-approaching but at the direct physical confrontation - I re-forget and doing the same.

Also I noticed that many times I used my hands - mostly it was around my head - as I conditioned myself with aikido and wing tsun to directly push my hands into the face of others - ok I was not hitting but simply 'wanting to not use my hands' - did not stop my hands lol.

And there was a time when I was watching the others and I became a bit more 'calm' when I saw the others are also getting tired - but about at the 4th-5th round - I was almost unable to outrun and catch the ball - and my ankle that time started to simply do not hold me really and I was like waving and falling and then I realized - again - breath, hold, timing, push.

I wanted to play soccer only once - just for fun with the colleagues, but if I write specifically - many of my 'programmed strategies within the physical - related to the mind' - can be walked.

In the long term - I will switch this to wing chun but for now I will consider to do soccer again.

The sexual drive within me - by these 'sporty' occasions - is really reducing - it's not a need anymore.

Also the backchats are extremely reducing meanwhile the physical application, simply there is no time as the mind consumes so much moments and meanwhile the HERE changes and if I am still within my head - then I am screwed and always after the events, not being able to become one and equal with and as the event as myself as self-direction.

My biggest ?-mark here is that I told to my partner that I am leaving the country and she does not like it - at the beginning I told her that I will leave her and the country in summer - and she is okay with this but about once in a week she bursts out some semi-sane shit about she feels like being used and as like a bitch and then it was almost over because of this - I experienced this: 'felt like before' as we argued MUCH in Cambodia about 4 years ago and it started to re-manifest and then I was like 'breath through, breath through' then I realized breathing is not enough, this is me, I must act otherwise I am stopped and waiting for reality within some sort of energetic state of hope what is unacceptable as I already faced this a thousand time and the matrix is like a casino - once it makes me lucky and then it makes me loose everything, so I do not trust in the matrix, I trust myself or if a situation proved that I missed - then it's like within this I can not trust myself so I must use tools to support and stabilize myself to push myself through this self-doubt, because HERE is no way but push self as self without any con, no purpose, no reason, but this is who I am, I am here.

The consequences of this soccer are some coughing and neck-strain and probably tomorrow some muscle-tension and ankle-ambigousness.

I experienced some moments very direct-like physical experiences, that was what made this need for vomit for about a minute - some systems I experienced a bit more directly than as usual - I must be able to stabilize myself and stand within and as the physical consequences of my 'decisions' from the beginning and the pain I must not step back when it is here - I embrace pain, I embrace the physical as myself as breathing as self-movement.

There were moments when my ankle was like it requires medical attention and after about a minute it was OK again, but I must be aware of every step even within intensified physical applications because I already faced this ankle-point many times and I was steeping literally for months.

a company

About the company: it is strong and aggressive and has a significant domination in media industry. By this direct presence within people's mind - who are constantly subjected by these perfectly designed artistic tales, stories, animations and of course: advertisements - and by influencing humans to buy the products of this company, regardless of it's high price.

Because they know how the human mind operates, how to 'catch it' through the visual and the story and the characters and then so to speak: just pull the people into the creator's world and then take them to a ride within their mind because when people at home watch media, it's like they are with a family member - or in a cinema where it is huge and loud - it is the same. From the moment the human watches a media - the media directs the situation and humans tend to make apparently logical connections, associations, memories, specifically pinpointed with these pre-scripted stories and situations and by the words combined with the music - humans react with emotions and energetically intensified moments can be experienced.

These experiences what they will try to re-experience but in fact to find, when people start to do as they see it constantly in the media.

Or it is on unconscious level and it is like a random pool of memories and mind-connections but the more is being filled up with this specific media from this specific company - the more chance that it is being manifested in real world because humans are being directed by impulses coming from the unconscious. It is us but we are not conscious of it - but it is here - and we do not see it.

We do not see a part of ourselves who we are in this moment and that's why we do not know that we do not know and that's why we are not real.

Because we are being directed by media for instance.

Because this specific company walks as it walks as the law allows. Lawall.

We must learn how to stop the mind domination - the conscious, subconscious, the unconscious mind we must walk within full awareness and practical self-corrective application by releasing any memory, any definition, all judgment, all emotions, all feelings, all thoughts - they are not required - but for the man to be the unification, all must be stopped, released, removed completely.

If we would have this rate of media publicity - it is direct power over the mind. Because if we do not direct ourselves as minds as one as equal to correct our physically manifested consequences, then the mind directs ourselves into absolute self-deception, self-abuse, self-exploitation, self-destruction. It is clear that we humans lost the directive principle, only our mouth 'walk', our mind 'move' but not as Human Physical Body as direct physical beings within and this reality. We must move ourselves breath by breath otherwise the mind we can not release - not the mind is the nasty in fact but we, who participate constantly, repeatedly, consistently.

This is the absolute self-deception, the starting point of nothing. Within consciousness - the minds are nothing. Nothing constant, consistent - but the humans are related to the mind constantly, consistently. See? Way over we lost everything and we are starting from scratches, yet judging the amoebas as lower 'level' life form as they are 'just' one cell but we are not aware of any of our cells.

cellphone

cell ph one

sell ph eno

sol

Power of the mind is the power of the deception.

Power is deception.

Power is not real.

The people who buy this specific company's products - obviously can afford to do so. This is an important point in this. They literally buy into this and with that money the company can expand - and then it has more media presence and then it can 'walk into' more human minds and then those will buy more products and it is all about this word 'buy'.

Because at the moment not everyone can afford to buy such products - only a very few - related to the whole. And this few has the privilege through having money - and they can literally buy these experiences from this company, but the others can't.

Within an Equal Money System - people would not distinguish to share with others regarding to financial status in the money hierarchy, people would not make decisions according to price, according to worthiness of revenue.

Because sometimes(if not always) the income is made through exploitation, through harm, through abuse - regardless of the amount, it is unacceptable.

The current Law System is protecting the Abuse through Money in the name of 'free choice', in the name of 'democracy' and in the name of 'free market' - but these words are deceptive - as in fact there is no free choice, there is no free market, and there is no such thing as democracy literally - as by definition it should mean that the nation is directing but in reality - the nation is being directed by definitions coming from a few who has control over the media for instance.

Within the Current Money System Who has significant power within the media industry - is only interested within revenue - what is coming from the people who the media experts learnt to entertain, to influence, to manipulate by and as their mind. There is nothing personal within this existing - it is simply consciousness network manifestation within the physical.

partner self forgiveness

Regarding to my partner, after walked some memory timelines in SRA, since the beginning of my "knowing of her", some points obviously became visible as dishonesties within me
I started to grasp the mind constructs, but there are points what I still must practically walk by myself - anyway more will come

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think that if a woman sits to front of me that means that she likes me and want to make me contact her.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am handsome in circumstances when I behave properly, cloth properly and speak properly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define a woman as attractive according to her picture presentation within my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program myself to being attractive to a specific kind of woman who I defined as similar to my perceived picture presentation of my mother.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have a determined 'type' of woman who is for me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek after women who I can define as attractive according to my rules of attraction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define somebody as attractive according to my definitions of attractiveness based on pictures what I react to energetically.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare S.'s face with Sigourney Weaver because I've defined Sigourney's face as attractive.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my mother's physical representation and picture as attractive.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be with woman who I can define as similar to my mother.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be someone who I can relate with my mother.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can be with a woman only who I can define as similar to my mother.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define S. according to my ideas of beauty, according to my beliefs about what is nice and what is ugly.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be with people who I can define as nice, attractive.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be mesmerized by faces of women who I defined as nice.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to energetically react to faces of specific women who I defined as nice, attractive, sexy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the beauty polarity system and not realizing that my beliefsystems are determining what I actually experience, not myself, directly here.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect somebody to be perceived in real life as I perceived her/him on pictures.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and define people actually by seeing and reacting to their picture presentation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define curly, bubbly hair as awesome.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to being attracted to specific pictures and not realizing the polarity system being accepted within and as myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be with a woman who is seeking after enlightenment because I also used to be seeking after the delusion called enlightenment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to being attracted towards a specific woman, who I can define as attractive.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus only to the positive instead of realizing that by participating within the positively defined half of the polarity - I am actually responsible for and being directed through the negative as well, as one as equal as I am here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define smoking as bad.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dislike cigarette smoke.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be disappointed, instead of realizing that when I do expect and it is not going to happen, then I am responsible for the self-experience of being disappointed.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope, instead of realizing that within the moment here: hope is not real, it is an energetically boosted excuse and justification to not act immediately because of self-fear.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I can not have somebody for myself instead of wanting to 'have' somebody, we can exist within practical equality without possession.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire after somebody.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be of desire after somebody or something - instead of realizing that desire is not real, it is compounded energetic system.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize desire within me to energetically build up compounds with what I can face situations what I've defined as I can not face and walk through directly myself as self here without utilizing thoughts, feelings, emotions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define a situation as fucked up when I accept and allow myself to desire after somebody who already has a partner, instead of stopping participation within desire.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to release my desire but still participate within hope - that something outside of me, something what is not myself directly here - would influence, change, direct the situation for me within separation to actually being able to be with or have the subject of my desire.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stabilize myself and exist within and as an energetic polarity manifestation with what there is always a good point and a bad point within the things, according to my belief systems.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize why and how I define situation s as wrong.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to being directed by my desire according to S..

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to take self-responsibility for myself and for S. when I realized that regardless I do stop approaching her, I still allow her to be the directive principle, because I did not stop desiring after her, but in a way pretending that me, myself I did my best but she is in charge now. This is self-deception what must be stopped immediately.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must kiss S. instead of realizing that this is not a must, it is of self-definition.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I do project opinions, beliefs, judgments onto others as they would experience so, but in fact it is my issue what I try to put onto others to abdicate self-responsibility.
I forgive myself that I have accepted to think and believe that S. wanted to kiss me when we first kissed - but in fact that was of myself, but by projecting it onto her - I had reason to kiss her based on that belief.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can not resist to my desires, attractions instead of realizing that I am the responsible, I am the directive principle here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, feel myself as powerless because I am experiencing that I am being directed by my desire.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am powerless, because I can not influence what is happening here.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my self-accepted desire obsession/pressure is being relieved within orgasm instead of realizing that is of momentary relief and in fact I am not releasing, changing the desire/obsession of woman and sex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that orgasm is for release desire obsession/pressue energetic compounds within me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed because I participated within S.'s cheating on his boyfriend with me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed of something, instead of realizing that I still feel ashamed because I did not change.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within cheating regardless of my decision as I am not going to participate within such things because I see it as self-dishonesty and rather being direct and expressive within the starting point of self-honesty.
I forgive myself to think that something is going to happen what I would not prefer to happen yet I still participate within such act and then when it happened, thinking that I knew it - instead of acting immediately and if I already see how it's going to end and I do not want so - then I act and I direct the situation as myself here.
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act as I am not responsible for the consequences of my deeds - while in fact I am aware of it yet I still accept and allow myself to continue acting so.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I do not take responsibility, if I do not direct my reality - it will directly show me within physical consequences where I am not living one and equal with and as my self-accepted reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for the consequence what I am responsible for - instead of stopping blaming and still acting.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I do shit into other's relationship instead of realizing that they are also responsible for what they accept and allow to manifest.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am shit, I am weak, I am tired because of continuously facing of the consequences of my deeds, instead of realizing how and why I am directly responsible and not participate within dishonesty by simply stopping myself.
I forgive myself to not take self responsibility within my acts and regret the consequences instead of changing actually.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that if I did something already, then by stepping back I can undo the consequences, instead of using common sense to see the situation from it's beginning and take direct responsibility.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act according to stop myself being ashamed.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that I am lost.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can be lost instead of realizing that I am always here as physical.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself want to quit from what I have done.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to find an easy escape from my direct self resonsibility.
I forgive myself to not allow myself to trust in what my partner says, because already asserting that she is lieing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to open myself to anyone because I experienced some disappointment by trusting in others unconditionally, instead of trusting myself here.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to trust myself unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am powerless, instead of realizing that this is a justification because I am directly involved within physical reality by speaking, acting.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I do miss myself, the nature of myself when things went not as I wanted - instead of realizing that anything and everything I experience is me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I always must enjoy myself no matter what happens.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to being my purpose of enjoying myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that I must do what is right.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can not stop being attracted to the subject of my desire and all that I can is to leave.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can not let go what I've done in the past regardless of the current circumstances here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I do not see S. then I will not have an issue within myself regarding to what I allowed to happen.

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to face what I directly manifested, instead of realizing that there is no escape from what I've done.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think that S. is nuts.
I forgive myself that I 've accepted and allowed myself to think of something about somebody instead of asking it directly.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret that I left S. because I saw the consequences of my deeds and I wanted to redo that even with the possibility that I would not enjoy it - and in fact I would not do so - only I allowed myself to think that way to make myself relieved for a moment from this situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I fucked up the relationship thing with S..

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel pity about one girl did not wanted to share her masturbation experience with me because I've defined it as a must have experience for myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define S.'s pussy as extremely attractive and arousing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel being lifted, aroused and energised when I think of pussy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel attraction towards S.'s body.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to physically attracted to S.'s body.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like S.'s 'state of being' makes me feel creepy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that S. is unstable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that S. is unstable because how she acted.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and feel that S.'s taste penetrates me, influences me and I fear that I would lose myself within this experience.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that who I am can be changed, instead of realizing that who I really am can not be changed, but who I am actually can be changed as it is not who I really am as Life as All as One as Equal.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that her taste I must remove otherwise I can lose myself.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel uncomfortable when I am facing my self-manifested consequences.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel uncomfortable when S. approaches me, because I think of what happened between us in Cambodia.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about a conversation it will be ended at the same way as before - instead of realizing that I can be directive as myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that S. is unpleasant for me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want S. to be happy, to laugh because then I am good.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that if I am with S. then we are not happy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lie to S. about I do not feel anything regarding to her instead of opening myself up to her unconditionally without fearing that I would get hurt.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself close myself down and not share myself with others because then I would get hurt.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think S. as very bitchy and unstable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare my situation with S. as I have a machine what I can not fix.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I can not compassionate with S..
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define S. as attractive because she is opened with myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define those people as attractive who open up to me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that if S. is in joy then she is very attractive.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think that S. is my type.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am lucky because I met with S..

-
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think S.'s awesome because I've defined her expression as strong.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that S. is expressing herself regardless of her gender.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think S. is attractive.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that I want to kiss her.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that S. is loyal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am in charge, because S. wants to be with me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I should manipulate S. because then I would be in control.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I must control within my relationship instead of considering practical equality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that if I say to her that I like her too much, then she would feel she is in charge and then she would control me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate S. with my tonality and using specific words to make her believe that I do not really like her but more likely allowing her within my presence.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being controlled my partner if I would open myself up.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that within a relationship one must be the controller and the other one should be controlled instead of considering an equal agreement.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I can make her to fall in love to me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to control S. by her self-accepted love-delusion.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that within a relationship two must constantly fight for dominancy instead of a sustainable equality what is actually supporting each other equally as one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that S.'s ass is very sexy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare S.'s picture representation to what I've defined before as attractive, nice, sexy within magazines, movies etc.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I have an attractive girlfriend.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that there are woman who are not attractive as those who are in magazines, movies.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say S. that she is nice because I think that makes her happy.

(to be continued)

slight movement procrastinated

I am experiencing this slight movement inside what requires to be expressed. Often this I procrastinate. Then it is not the same already but of and as systems. If I express it, still of systems, but if I 'wait' - is of and as more systems. And if I judge my expression of my systems - or referred as my systematic expressions - then my judgment will be based on 'my systems' who I have accepted and allowed myself to become.
Defining systems, labeling systems, based on belief-systems for instance. No judgment but to be expressed it as self one and equal and see it within common sense. SRA is for develop common sense - through identifying systems programmed with words within and as my expressions and when the absolute specificity and direct insight as self intimacy - to be able to apply self forgiveness as the point as self as one as equal to assist and support myself within changing, within stopping the point as manifested self-dishonesty. No time for judgment. The Moment As Self Is Here. If I am experiencing through the mind - I am always one step behind the mind - I can be only all what is the mind, and the direct experience, the immediacy is gone.
I must act immediately.
I must act immediately.
I must act immediately.
I must act immediately.
I am breathing immediately.
I am here immediately.
I am acting immediately.
I am letting go of mind.
I am here as breath as physical act.
I am breath here as physical.
I am not of energy.
I am not energy.
I am not required energy to express.
I am breath as constancy as consistency as I am Here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to depend on energy.
I forgive myself that I have not ever realized that I am not here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am not here.
I forgive myself that I have not ever considered that all what I am is Here.

Akarat

Akarat kérdése az egész.
Ezek szerint akaratom feltételes. Ezáltal kiszolgáltatom magam.
Akarni kevés, cselekedni kéne.
Beszippantott az akarás, mert a tett nem jött, ezért akartam, hogy tegyek, de feltételekhez kötöttem tetteim - ezáltal akaratom nem direkt tett, hanem csak egyfajta vágy. Ezt akarnám én, de sajnos én tehetetlen vagyok - de ha esetleg majd tehetem, akkor teszem is.

Ez jellemző rám, amikor az önkifejezés egy pillanatra megbotlik és nem talpraállok azonnal, hanem beakad a lemez, megakad a tű, elkezdtem ledarálni a tapasztalt valóságom és szétszedem és úgy rakom össze, hogy látszólag tehetetlennek és ártatlannak tűnjek, holott kívülről nézve ez elképesztően átlátszó.

Akarok például minden nap írni - ez nem teljesül, mostanság írok aztán pár napig nem, aztán újra. De elhatároztam, hogy minden nap írnék, de az elhatározás kevés.
Voltak olyan esték, mikor valamit sunnyogtam és inkább nem írtam - itt ültem, csak két kattintás lett volna és írhattam volna, mindig úgy érzem, évekig tudnék folyamatosan írni. Mégsem teszem.
Csak akarom. Akarni kell, oké, de akarni kevés.
Vettem egy kalendárt, ezzel a találkozók és a napom struktúrája egy fokkal kiszámíthatóbb. De ez is kevés. Egyszerűen képesnek kell lennem arra, hogy mondjuk minden nap este 9-kor leülök egy órát írni. Vagy ha nem, akkor fél órát, vagy csak 15 percet. Legalább 15 perc.

Holnap megint megyek a partneremhez este, ahol nincs csak úgy internet. Már volt olyan, hogy előre elhatároztam, hogy majd mikor elalszik a lány, akkor írok, de aztán addig húztuk, hogy beálmosodtam és az ágyban már inkább "hagytam" a dolgot - ezt tesztelem le holnap újra.
Beírom a kalendáromba, hogy blogolás és meglátom, hogy tényleg akarom-e.
Mert ha mondogatom, hogy akarom-akarom és közben nem csinálom, akkor nem is akarom igazán. Mert amit igazán akarok, azért teszek is.
Ha meg nem is akarom igazán, akkor mi az amit akarok és miért is?
Vagy esetleg miért is akarok minden nap írni?
Vissza az alapokhoz. Ha kell minden nap, amíg az alap stabil.
Képesnek kell legyek arra, hogy ha jön belső reakció, gondolat, érzés, akármi "energiahullámok", hogy ne reagáljak rájuk, maradjak ITT, légzés, fizikailag, mégis átéljem azokat, csak ne "menjek" utánuk, hanem a pillanatban maradjak, például egy munkatárssal történő beszélgetésben.
Egyedüllétkor se legyen, hogy "bevillannak" a fejembe emberek, dolgok, képek és én reagálok rájuk és a reakcióim között csapongok, majd például éhes leszek és a konyhában készítem elő a vacsorát, s közben a fejemben az jár, hogy milyen filmet nézzek kaja közben, akkor nem vagyok ITT, amikor csinálom a dolgaimat, le kell lassulni és figyelni, mik azok a triggerpontok, amikor "ugrok" és hova - és ezekről kell írni és önmegbocsátást írni, mondani, majd tettben megélni azáltal, hogy nem "ugrok" a feltételek, emlékek, energiák, képek mentén. Pusztán tudatomban van, de nem válok csak azzá.
Pár napra "pihenni" mentem egy régi cimborámhoz és érdekes volt látni, hogy 2 napra gond nélkül tudtam "visszamenni" olyanná vele, mint amilyen mondjuk 4 éve voltam és igazából ezt nem tudnám csinálni, de erre a pár napra ezt úgy definiáltam, hogy üdülés.

Itt látszik, hogy akinek definiálom magam, az még mindig a múltban van, amikor is ezeket a definíciókat, mint például az üdülést elfogadtam ekként.

Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy elfogadtam és megengedtem magamnak, hogy megpróbáljak üdülni menni saját magamon dolgozásomból, ahelyett, hogy realizálnám, mindig itt vagyok.

Az utóbbi időben pár meghatározó ön-őszintétlenséggel való szembenézés közben kiindulópontom kissé megbillent és szükségeltetik újra visszatérni az alapokhoz, mint például azok az információk, amiként magam definiálom és ahogy azon keresztül tapasztalom a világot és benne magam - például, hogy a vágy és párkapcsolat, a folyamat és bizalom - ezek mentén akként fogadom most el magam, akiként az örökkévalóságig nem volnék képes - sem bízni, sem elfogadni azt amit a tetteim mutatnak.

A legnagyobb törés persze a "saját" terv, hogy média irányba toljam magam - nem csak programozom, SRA, párkapcsolat, hanem van ez a merő megszállottság, hogy én filmezni, zenélni akarok, s sokszor ez igazából csak egy mentsvár, amibe belevetem magam, mikor rezeg a léc.
Persze a rezeg a léc pusztán azt jelenti, hogy "úgy érzem, egy ideje megint sunnyogok, ahelyett, hogy direkt, egyenesen kifejezném magam: blogon, vlogon" - mert megosztani mindig van mit, csak kérdés, hogy miért nem osztom meg magam? A nincs idő persze kifogás, hiszen azért nem egy játékkal játszottam mostanság a számítógépen. Szóval mert ha az van, hogy elfogadom magam, mint ön-őszintétlenség, akkor azért nem írok arról, mert akkor az van, hogy arról írnék, hogy elfogadom magam, mint önőszintétlenség, és akkor realizálnám az írás közben, hogy mit engedek meg és fogadok el magamként, és akkor talán változnék.

Ezért nem írok, mert nem változom és félek leírni azt, hogy változni akarok, de nem változom?
Vagyis feltételezem, hogy félek változni, hogyha akarok változni de mégsem változom. Persze minden és mindenki mindig változik. De magam változni, ITT, úgy, hogy leállni valamivel, ami legbelül, legalul ön-őszintétlenség.

Tehát felesleges időhurkokat lépdelek, s közben azt figyelem, mikor gyűlik össze annyi energia bennem, hogy ki tudjak ebből ugorni könnyedén, ahelyett, hogy ITT egy pillanatban, mint a döntés, abbahagyom és elengedem. Azt is, akiként definiáltam magam, azt is, akinek mutatom magam.

Csak lélegezni és elengedni és megosztani másokkal.

Egy-kettő ön-őszintétlenség ahogy felszínre jött, megijedtem és megítéltem, hogy "naa, ez csúnya", holott az is csak egy a sok közül, például szexuális fantáziák, vagy a vágy, hogy újra módosítsam az elmém szerekkel - és aztán nem írok róla. Aztán, mivel nem írok róla, egyre kuszább és a végén az általam kreált, általam elfogadott, majd általam megítélt, de általam nem abbahagyott "megszállottság" egyszerűen megnyilvánul, s akkor veszem észre, hogy nem én vagyok az irányítóelv, hanem az, amit elfogadok és megengedek.

levél

CSA
szoval ez ugy van hogy ha valakit nem tűrök a valóságomban, akkor szoktam mérlegelni - akkor most nekem van parám, vagy neki van parája vagy nincs is para vagy mi van - aztán ha józan paraszti ésszel képes vagyok mérlegelni, akkor úgy legyen, ha nem, akkor írok róla, ha előjön az ön-őszintétlenség(sunnyogás) akkor amiért és amiben sunnyogok - akkor tudatossá válok a szavakon, mint kulcspontokon felépült információ-hálózatok először jelenlétéről, majd ahogy a szavak mentén az önmegbocsátással engedem el a kapcsolatokat, az asszociációkat, úgy haladok a kiindulópont, eredet pont felé, hogy akkor mikor és miért is volt az, amióta ez van - és itt én gyakran elkövetem azt, hogy elkezdek leásni és látom, hogy "vágy" a dolog és akkor önmegbocsátás vágyra, mire vágyok éppen és ez nem sokat használ, persze, hogy vágy.
De amíg nincs abszolút specifikusság, addig a hatékonyság helyzetfüggő, nem teljesen önmagam, mint önmagam - ezért fontos, hogy ez meglegyen - neked a fater kiskorod stb ott van ennek például és ugyanabba a helyzetbe kell kerülj, mint akkor, mint az aki voltál és aki vagy most egyenlően és egyként és abban a realizációban, hogy merre mentél akkor és most már nem akarsz, mert ez az információ irányít és nem te, akkor amentén is lehet önmegbocsátás - nekem a misztikus szakrális geometriára is volt para
arra itt egy példa
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E7RPhSPPDf4
ez volt az első videó, amit a laptopomon csináltam:)

nekem apám általában punnyadt fejű volt, de néha volt ideges fejű, nagyon kevésre emléxem ilyenre, például, mikor a gumiból lévő pókomat a nyakába rakta valaki és ráparázott és elhajította a kukoricásba
de az inkább vicces volt, mint tényleg para

meg 1x anyám kinn vágta a fát, apám meg részegen mondja, hogy akkor most ő csinálja ezt, anyám meg kb bele akarta állítani a fejszét, hogy ha nem hagyja békén, akkor apám elég zombifejű volt, a szokásosnál is szétfojtabb fejjel, de az a pia volt, belőle egy robotot csinált a pia, vagy a piával egy robotot csinált magából, amíg egyszer részegen belefulladt az útszéli árokba - szerintem ez tanulság - mindenki azt mondja, kívülről szín tiszta apám vagyok, aztán látom, az apám mit küldött - ez érdekes - sose tudtam vele azonosulni, mégis kifejezéseimben most már rálelek az ő temperamentumára - bár apám inkább olyan volt, hogy belátott egy pontig a lehetőségekbe, mint valóság - de neki, onnan, ahonnan nézte, "egy volt határőr traktoros", ameddig ellátott, attól kicsit ráparázott, hogy "fiam, bármikor meghalhatunk és nem tehetünk ellene semmit" - ez egy kicsit leültette és piált egyedül és sunnyogott
anyám pályája is kemény bennem, bár az kissé alattomosabb, az inkább az a közvetlen energia - bár ez a fajta mániákus depresszió egy igen finom formája - amit ha meglovagolok, elég "hasznos" is, mert nincs energia para, csak enni, inni, aludni kell rendesen és az van, de néha bebukom vagy átfordul és akkor általában, ahogy mondtam múltkor, kb fáradtságomban nem inkább lepihenek, mert megszállottságom hajt a céljaim felé, hanem tolni akarom, még, oké, éjjel kávé, mert kicsit olyan, mint amikor Aladdin a Dzsinnel: Na, annyit dörzsöltem, hogy most itt a Dzsinn, most kell csinálni, azonnal, mert nem mindig lesz itt - aztán később ez is lesz, lepunnyadok valamitől és aztán tényleg, aztán újra célhatározáskommandó, oké, küldés, csinálás, tolás újra, ezerrel, addig, amíg ez az erőnlét "visz".
Emiatt nekem ez könnyű, ha akarok valamit, csak amikor akarok valamit, az is feltételekhez kötött, s a feltételek meg az elmémben vannak és azok alapján vagyok képes vagy nem vagyok képes például, s akkor ez az egész besűrűsödik, s a végén már tényleg nem valóság, csak nézőpontok sokaságának a metszete - vélemény, mely a távolba már nem látó pillanatnyi önérdek kényszeredett szüleménye.

Szóval ez szerintem anyám-szerű, ő tol gyógyszereket mániákus depresszióra, amelyik valahogy "szinten tartja", csak azáltal az egész rendszer a fejében, tudatában, testében is ugyanúgy szinten van tartva, ami mellesleg szépen lassan tönkreteszi a testét, a lényét, az egyéniségét.

ezért is lenne zsír ha látnál családommal hogy akkor milyen vagyok mert én nem látom ezt és velük mit sunnyogok pl

pusz

Decision

I did not write here every day as I planned.
When I do skip a day - I have to discipline myself on the next day - otherwise I will skip more than one days - then after all - I will start it again.
Tomorrow at 8AM I am going to dentist, end of wisdom teeth part 2 - this will be operated out as well, this time the doctor says it will be about a hour.
I told to my boss that tomorrow I may late, if I will be not comfortable with working, I will skip the day.
It is a great opportunity to breath through uncomfortable experiences without reacting to definitions.
It is a great opportunity to let go the preconceptions and judgments about how and why I keep my breath back, holding it and trying to escape the reality - but in fact I am reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can be separated from reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to avoid experience direct reality in order to avoid specific experiences what I defined as avoidable.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to let go my fear from syringe because I've defined it as avoidable because the pain I experienced by it.


I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I do skip a day without blogging effectively self honestly - then I will want to write blogging every day.
And wanting and actually acting is two different stories.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up or give in to something what I did not discipline myself to do for a moment and then I let the whole thing go because I judge it as 'it's already fucked', instead of realizing that when in the moment I realize that I gave up, 'fell' so to speak for a moment - I do re-align myself immediately, I do let go the judgment, I do not use this moment of 'fall' as an excuse and justification for the next moment to not stand up even within the realization that in fact I fell and I decided to not to.

The complete energy mind is taking over in every single moment when I am not able to direct myself as myself.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within the moment I give into the mind - then the mind is directing me.
I decide to stand up from self-accepted justifications as breath as act as all as one as equal.

more and more to write and stop self deception by exposing shit

Yesterday it was obvious that there is an issue with my partner, as I uploaded some vlogs about how I experience woman, desire, relationship, agreement but I did not share - I wanted to re-watch it with my partner - as I am sure that some points I do see different than she, and that's the whole point of vlogging, that I share and others can see points what I do not, or points what I see as X and in fact other human(my partner or other) can see that it is in fact Y.
There is this vanity, some kind of pride, that I want to do everything myself, and in fact it is an excuse because I already know that alone I do timelooping with points until finally I fed up with myself regarding to that point with which I am repeating the same pattern of self-limitation.
It's like I want to share, but ____.
For instance I want to share simply a speak what I experience that it I would like to express, a slight pressure what I want to express to become 'empty' inside again but as I do judge my head as it is not bald for instance, and I decided to shave it at weekend, but then I did not do so and then I want to grab the camera and vlog in the moment, and then I realize - but I want to shave first - then the whole construct fall back onto me and actually I do nothing. After two-three occasions I realize that I am doing the same self-dishonest mistake, but actually I still do not redefine my statements.

For instance simply I can say: I want to make a video - am I bald? Yes, and "action". But if no, then I simply go into the bathroom and cut it down and then do the video. That ten minutes is not that 'expensive'.

So with my partner - when she saw my vlogs about the points I was facing about her - she went immediately self-judgment, as I explained that I had so much resistances towards her in a time that I simply wanted to avoid her, but I realized that would not assist me to release the actual cause and core of resistances about her, but actually I want to open myself up to her and share and discuss.

I did not really want this 'relationship' as with previous partners I realized that agreement would be the only way that I could accept myself to be within with a partner.

But as I 'started' to explore what would mean to walk in agreement - I realized, I have no idea what that would be- I have knowledge, I have judgments of others as I saw them be in agreement, for instance Leila and Gian or Maite and LJ, but actually I never walked this point. Resonantly I am not really capable of this to walk, but that I already proven to myself: I can change and the practical application must be walked in physical timeline. So it is it.

The main reason of her discomfort about me is that I told her that about end of July, I am going to leave the country, I want to live in London, and she wrote an email to me about this can not really be real support because one day I will leave her.
So this is already my manifested reality to deal with.

In fact, I did not want to 'be' with her - but I tried out this: I am utilizing what is actually here, I do not run after woman for instance if I experience that I do have some suppressed desire - she is here already and we can enjoy sex. So the point what must be corrected within both of us would be to discuss this points until we both are clear - no inner movement about this - and if we can agree to support each as direct as possible - then we can continue but if this would come up again and again - then it should be stopped.

In these days I experience intensity from all sides - my job is in late, there are lot of "to do"-s what other wont really do for me so these are accumulating and I want to get them done. My tooth are again in quite 'bad' situation, so I must visit dentist regularly for get them repaired/pulled out, otherwise this daily pain, fever, discomfort will distract me continuously.

I even smoked what is odd and I gave into the temptation for a while and after all I realized it's complete bullshit, I am bubbling myself with inner judgments what must be ended.

And then the discomfort what painkillers cause in my stomach I wanted to avoid, so then I smoked again to use it as a painkiller. It was an excuse but after some like that - I do not want to smoke, I must face the pain directly as myself because the truth is about me is that many times and almost mostly the pain is that what is assisting me to realize what I am accepting and allowing and I should start to see the core and starting point of my experiences, of my acceptances and allowances.
So yesterday, to release the discomfort and pain - I smoked some and I realized this stuff is changing me - personality shifts and I am not as myself as I am without smoking, so I want to go to dentist and pay for physical body support and go through the bloody and nasty experiences wherein for instance within an operation the wisdom teeth will be taken out. There is no other way, I knew it when it started, but I procrastinated as I defined experiences at 'dentist' as avoidable. So I avoided dentist, until the pain is literally unbearable and I am directly experiencing myself within pain, and then I wait until I experience literally nothing else than pain as myself - then I move. This is not Self Movement, this is of Energy.

This is what I do not accept, and if I look back - I do see points what with I was not self honest with myself, for instance when I smoked, I said to myself, because my partnership was ended with K, that was intense for me - but in fact - not really.

However as I smoked, I tried to utilize the stuff, what sometimes happened, for instance to watch myself what and how I do - and sometimes there was an urge to smoke without a reason - or the reason when I did not see - I told myself, it is just 'energy'- so I am not having 'enough' energy, and I am boosting myself with external energy-source. WTF? And am I able to accept myself like this for ever more? No. Yet in that moment, I accepted myself as this energy polarity system.
I built it up around the word 'curiosity'. But I already walked that path, exactly I was aware of what like it will be ended: I will be fed up and I will stop it.

Within self-dishonesty I tested myself with this: if I want to smoke, but then I do not know what I want to do, like the goal is to be smoked - so let's see, I smoked - then I watched what I wanted to do: physical exercise, wanting sex, playing with computer, making music, watching movie mostly. These would not be 'bad' but in fact I am aware of what I should do at the first time - what I wrote about many times: my second job I want to do at home, I want to do SRA homework, I want to write and make vlogs, videos. Wanting, instead of acting directly as Self.

About videos, I have about a half dozen videos what I was making but not yet finished - and if I look into myself - I want to do finish and share them - regardless of time, this is who I am and this is what I express - yet somehow I clothed myself with an energetic mental state wherein I was able to separate myself from who I am and what I express and basically what I want to do - and when I experienced myself energetically as this -'shifted' - then I wanted to 'rest', 'relax' from my strained hard work because with the point of 'wanting to do way more too much than I am capable of in the moment' - after a while - even the natural expression of making video about birds became a 'job' instead of Self-expression.

So it is unfolding now, some days ago I realized I am experiencing this boosting intensity what makes me nervous and confused so I must slow down and re-align myself with the principle and the starting point and basically start it all over and stick to the blog and write it out and script up how to stop and then walk into practicality and breath through the energy experiences and focus on the real issue, how to manifest Equal Money System.

About smoking: after almost 3 years of non smoking - it was very intense and now I clearly see that with smoking I am mentally strengthening myself only, and for support it is cool to see that with smoking I was boosting my mind, my thoughts, my separation, what was not obvious before, what I participate within and as - it was intensified and took over and also I participated within inner dialogue, reacted immediately to things without being aware of my act.

Also there was an other self-deception when I smoked, I was like 'Once I did stop, it is no problem, I can stop it again if I would not stop it after one occasion.'

So I do again this statement: I do not smoke, even when I do have physical pain - that was not supporting me to suppress physical pain with a substance what shifts personality - because at first I should deal with the 'normal' personality programs, not shifting dimensions so fast that I am even not aware of what mind-bubble I place myself into and as.

I am going to write down every part of this what I see within myself regarding to this point - if I don't - then I may miss a point with what I would timeloop again what is just not common sense if I am already aware of the consequences of my deeds.

For instance I tested smoke like 'I want it not being influencing on me' - I simply let it go, disregard the sensations of it - I breath, I physically move and act. It happened but only for some time - after a while 'I forgot' to discipline myself. In that case - it is obvious that immediately stop, correct self and live the change by letting go of upcoming 'distractions' from self-discipline.

Even I tried to manipulate myself within writing - about I wanted to write down something but then I edited it according to my point of view - but it was not who I was really at the moment, it's like changing history, pretending and 'emulating' myself to be perceived in a way what never happened. That was really nasty, or writing down something, but then saying, 'no, it's too much', delete this. It can be reasonable, yes, for instance not share my credit card datas or my passwords, but when about my self-dishonesties - I must stick to facts and acts only - because then easily I can be lost within delusion and reality and then I am absolutely unprepared and defenseless from my dishonesties, because after a while I won't be able to see who I am.

So another point I realized, however did not write down, yet tried to manipulate myself with words instead of actually forgiving myself within and as the living words.

What also happened, that I felt a little shame of I smoked for a while - as inside I was aware of this is actually not really a solution, more likely a step-back from where I started to stand up.

So I must correct myself accordingly and precisely and walk the change physically.

I must stand without altering my mind-set and not manipulating myself with substances.

It is also related with being with a partner - as before, when I was with my partners - I smoked - so there was this connection and it was something like 'taking a rest' from the actual physical consistency of standing with somebody and basically going back into my self-created crystal-palace where everything is like I can have 'fun', meanwhile who I really am has consequences within reality what is determining not only my, but other's reality as well.

So the self-deluded 'rest' is over, I am pushing myself to
- face and direct the situation with my partner to actually stand without reactions and decide it is walkable or not - in fact I already decided that I want to walk with her until summer then I'm gone - but until that point - stand as stable as I can and assist and expose her and my dishonesty and actually stop them one by one within self-discipline and unconditionally share.
-do the SRA lessons regardless of my resistances and live with the opportunities of beings actually assist me to walk through self-dishonesties.
-do push my second job at home and make it as I would make it for myself as perfection and then I will be able to finish and release it without remaining inner issues, judgments, reactions.
-continue pushing every day blogging, what I never did, about several days I do write and then again I skipped a whole week for instance many times. If I do not write - I would be not stable, so then I would not write, then I would be not stable until I fed up my shit and would write again by restarting Self-Stabilization.

So this fuckedup-ness what I create, what indirectly leads me to writing - this is not self-willed self-movement. This I must push through and write specifically every day I am able to. Even when I am at other's place, even when I am at countryside, even when I have many things to do at home - I simply write as myself as naturally as I am physically here.

-Specifically write everything down regarding to impulses within me to want to smoke - if I do not write, and forgive and correct in physical - then I allow it and then it will happen again and then it will compound and when I will be not in directive application - then this point would have the ability to direct me to show what I am accepting and allowing within and as myself.

The relationship what I tried to 're-form' within me with a girl, with a drug is prominent - the starting point is inflicted with self-judgments, lack of self-will, lack of self-direction, self-intimacy.

Okay, that's it for today about procrastination, re-smoking, partner, job, pain, self-dishonesty.

I am going to write self forgiveness also on points what I immediately express as the decision to physically change within and as.

Partner:
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to accept as who I am actually and trying to pretend that I am somebody to impress my partner and conceal who I really am inside and as.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to speak through specifically, in detailed with my partner about the points with what we are 'standing' as starting point until both are empty and everything regarding to us and our connection is absolutely clear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project issues from me onto my partner for instance I judged her about she is still practicing spiritual agenda and energies, however I am also still accepting myself to change and act according to energetic impulses.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed and actually used my partner's points to hide my own dishonesties to conceal instead of realizing that she is one and equal as me, so it is actually more assisting to open up and share unconditionally.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to direct myself and my reality without hesitation, when it is about my partner as I still accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself as separated from her.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be directive with her by the starting point of 'hope' - about maybe she will not notice this point, so I can remain sneaking, in fact from myself.

Dentist:
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to act immediately to prevent sickness within my human physical body, even when I already walked the same consequences, I had to wait until intense pain to actually act an support myself as my human physical body.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge experiences at dentist as avoidable because of the pain and discomfort, then blinding myself with these self-created judgments to not act according to Common Sense, within this case to not go to dentist in time when there is not yet pain.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see - there is no other way out from this than revisit dentist and 'walk' myself through experiences without judging, what before I judged as avoidable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define dentist as avoidable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define pain as avoidable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to avoid to experience consequences as myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define pain as separated from me.

Smoking:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define smoking as desired based on judgments.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I already walked this path of me smoking and I was sick of it and I wanted to stop so strong that for years I even did not consider to smoke again.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define this compounded desire after smoking as 'curiosity' instead of saying it as it is: desire.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify re-smoking with defining it as a 'test', instead of realizing that for years I already 'tested' the stuff, it is obviously not supporting me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'hope' that the stuff if I will smoke it, will actually assist me, instead of realizing that I fucked myself up with the word, 'assistance'.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I use the word 'assistance' to actually cover my hope and desire after smoking because for some time I accepted and allowed myself to experience inner reactions, judgments continuously what compounded and took over within my physical expression.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my smoking by defining it as 'painkiller', instead of realizing it is not only taking away the pain, but makes me dizzy, stoned, slower and basically dumber, more mental than physical.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I do stop blogging, vlogging, then I accept movements inside of me what will be physically manifested within and as my physical reality as one as equal as myself here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into the temptation of smoking by wanting to 'rest' and 'stop' for a moment, and not realizing that this 'rest' and 'stop' is actually 'self-rest' and 'self-stop' as I am shifting personality into a mental state where I can judge and procrastinate as much as I can.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that by procrastinating to do things, I am procrastinating myself.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that immediate action is who I really am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define reality without mind-altering substances as 'intense' and 'raw' instead of realizing that these labels are coming from the mind, these are not real, only protection-mechanisms what can be walked through and let them go.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define that I do not have much energy.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that by accepting myself as not having enough energy, I am accepting myself as not whole, not fully capable of being always here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define ganja as 'energy'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being exposed of I was smoking, instead of realizing that by the starting point of fear of it - I am already of it as it as the fear, as the starting point.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lie to myself by defining 'hope and desire' as 'curiosity' by not considering what is already here - that here I already walked through this and I realized the deception within smoking.

Tomorrow I will go to my partner, if I can, after the dentist intervention, and preferably we should discuss the points within us until it's clear.
Tomorrow night, if no other way - I will use my partner's laptop to write my blog.

walktalk

I placed myself into a time-trap.
I am timelooping all the time on not having enough time. WTF?

My second job is coming to it's end and this last project is taking many time but I decided to do this, I decided to finish it well, no matter how much I have to work for this, so it will be.
But the trick is that this would be a website what people will use, so it must be that stable and constant as accountable to get people's trust to actually go and pay through it for the museum.
Today I missed something in the database since months - it's like I am creating a code and I miss to see a part of it - when I am not equally and one considering myself as programming - there are certain points what I do not 'get' directly as I am not even aware of it, so I do not 'face' it by myself really - I do not really see it myself - so my partnership with S. is going to be assisting - but at first - I wanted to be alone again and again and again when I was with her. Last two weeks I was working on this point - and I was sneaking some but mostly I was able to push myself through this pretending when I was with her. Pretending means like to not be as who I am as I am alone - not really different as starting point as who I am within application. I wanted to be alone to play computer game, to watch movies, to do homework, to energize myself with impulses what I would not really do when I am not alone.
So this is cool - I was hell bored of this and it is cool that someone is telling me onto my face that 'tala, you are sneaking, tell me'.

And it takes time for both of us to stop reacting to the already self-accepted attraction games in which both of us still participate within the desire competition where people's attention is based on sexual desire. But it is happening. I simply decide to not play attraction games with women, for me its not that intense as for my partner, who is always telling me that men want to be with her, for me it's not like that as there are not too much women who tend to please me, but sometimes yes, so I have to walk through some temptations.
At office and restaurant there are many woman so every day I can see my point in actuality.

There are times when I do eye contact deliberately to have some 'fun' with woman - even when I do not want anything sexual in these moments really - just wanting to get some reaction from some people. It's not even about sexuality in that form - it can be anyone, somebody who I can have a 'contact'. It's like energy - what I defined based on my past.
But actually there are days when I walk among woman and I can actually see them - not as sex objects, walking fucking and teasing and entertaining opportunity - but actually beings in their process as myself.
How they hold their limbs, their sound, their expression, I can open myself and I experience them who they are and when issues I face within me - reactions, movements - I must see that this point is within me still not clear and walked through - or is the being's process I am experiencing.
--------------
Recently I noticed some dominant behavior within my expressions what I am curious about.
It's like sometimes I even do not wait for somebody's sentence to end, I speak for instance.
Also I noticed that to direct among people - first I get feedback of their attention then I express, like first wanting to be sure that my direction will be effective - but then I depend on them what is unacceptable.

Also I noticed some self forgiveness I spoke but not aloud, it was very thin sound and I accepted it, instead of correcting myself - because the clarity I can hear in myself, and when I almost swallow back the words - even when I am alone and I am not disturbing anyone for sure - then it is still an issue, and I feel like I am expressing my forgiveness weakly, so I must strengthen my expression to make sure that it is clearly expressed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exert my anger instead of realizing of that I can release this anger and then I am here as myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to manipulate others through words based on deception.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into temptation when other woman than my partner approaches me. Instead of realizing that we decided to agree on this point to do together and I decided to stand as this point, so I stop fall into temptation and I do not abuse my responsibility by playing innocent while accepting and allowing myself to be amused by other woman than my partner.

From Pain Wisdom to Equal Money System.

About one-two years ago my lower left wisdom tooth was operated out by a half dozen of dentists.
Recently I experience similar symptoms as with that but on the right side: dull pain, jaw become more static, even fever, sometimes twinging, throbbing pain.
It is happened because I did not wash my teeth properly - at the backside, I did not 'reach' with my toothbrush, with my awareness - and it went 'bad' by the years while I consumed tons of sweets for instance...in my family, most of the people has teeth issues - probably by default it is coming from DNA and then personal acceptance and allowance...

Last year, the dentist guy told me that that tooth looks like it should be removed, but I fell into self definition according to that: - the operation with the dentists removed the lower left 'wisdom' teeth - was about 4 hours and extremely uncomfortable.
After that - I was regularly visiting the ~dentist university, where the pupils were 'practicing' on me by supervision of a professional teacher. So about for a year - weekly I experienced The dentist chair, the drills, the syringes, the huge light onto my face and the wide mouth opening expression.
That was fascinating - so many times the physical experience triggered a some sort of 'regression' when I closed my eyes, I tried to 'pull back' into my center of my body to leave behind this experience - where actually some physically uncomfortable/avoidable experiences I faced, for instance when with hot metal the intervention 'required' to burn down some parts of the flesh near my teeth, or when getting the painkiller syringe injected into my frontal mouth or my teeth is being pulled with some harsh metal tools...
At these experiences - I was facing myself - and I was able to notice when I did not allow myself to breath naturally - when I literally tried to 'contract' myself and resist the experience and I held back my breath - as this 'program' within me works like the following:
when I am about to experience some physical what I defined before as painful - I am like 'preparing' myself with this 'defense mechanism' wherein I hold my breath back, like 'wanting to skip' this moment, wanting to 'avoid to experience' this moment, but in fact it is my reality.
It is my reality and I am the responsible for it - one and equal.
And if I tend to 'avoid to experience' this event as myself - directly as one as equal - I am not able to realize what and how and why I accepted and allowed to manifest as myself.

And if I am not able to realize the what and how and the why - then I am not able to see the core, the reason, the starting point of this self-dishonesty and then I am not able to directly find practical solution to stop it and then I am continuing participate within and as this 'reaction system' as I defined and accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as this rule-matrix developed through and as words.

So - after a year - about 5-7- teeth was 'repaired' - yet there were about 2-3 what was not finished but then at the dentist university - the year was finished, they started to prepare for exams - and I stopped visiting dentist.
In fact at last summer - at one point - I randomly met with the two dentist guys in the city who were 'practicing' on me before, and they told me, I should arrange with them for a check-time about how my t00th are and then to do the necessary support.

In fact - this is a great opportunity - as this is for free - only the material I paid - and to have proper dentist support - it is really a LOT of money - and I was able to avoid this.

So since a year - I did not care about this - because I was like - 'my teeth were extensively handled almost for a year' - and 'I, myself do not feel pain at the moment' - so I did not take a shit.

Until last week, when I started to experience the pain compounding.
So this week, I visited an other dentist, this time a 'private' one, who gets paid well for interventions(repair, replace, fix etc) but not for the check at the first time.
I told him about the last year and about the pupils, and then he suggested to contact them because here I would need a 'panorama-X-ray' with what the dentist can engage to open up the area around my 'bad' right lower 'wisdom' teeth to take it out asap because maybe that is causing the pain.

Today I had the opportunity to contact the university dentist guys but I didn't - I was busy all day working and I did not direct myself for contacting them and I experienced some inner reactions what I built up before and now I was able to directly face it as it directed me not to act immediately.
This was about 'me not wanting to be unabashed', not wanting to 'use' this service too much, because if I am there, then an other person can not be, so in fact I am taking the place from someone else - who maybe has much more pain or much more urgent medical support.
That was a point what I accepted and allowed within me.
Also I wanted to give some money for the dentist guy who was very patient and enjoyable while he was repairing my teeth - so I decided to give him about 100 euros - as I saw the current dental system and if I would visited for a 'private' dentist - I should had to pay more than one thousand of euros - maybe more - and I wanted to appreciate his work - regardless of that is part of his schooling system process. But then I did not do this - I did not seek after him just to give him some money - because I am grateful - yet I judged myself about this is just stupid for instance - so I did not move.
And at this moment - I should contact him - and today I hesitated - because I experienced this system 'under the hood' within my head, not even 'really' consciously - but more like of 'feeling these kind of energies'.
This is unacceptable.
I stand up from judgments, I stand up for immediate action based on common sense, physical.

I remember Joe Kou also did a VLOG on his hesitation for visiting dentist and he explained the consequences of his procrastination.

Tomorrow I will see, it is possible to find a clinic where they could do X-ray and the operation - but I had this inner reaction of 'what if they are not pro and they fuck up my mouth?'
It is coming to the point of money. The more I can pay for this - the more I can 'hope' that they are able to handle this.
This is how humans accept themselves - who do have money - they can get great support, but who does not - then they go to hell - according to what they will experience - it is how it plays out.
For instance my mother has also teeth issues - but she says she can not afford dentist, thousands of euros to spend to make her 'fake'-teeth from metal and porcelain - that is so expensive!!!

In an Equal Money System - no one would have to fear about they can not get proper dental support - so I do support Equal Money System.

Energy vain self forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to energy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define energy as great.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to energy because then energy defines me, energy moves me and then I do not have to take direct responsibility for what is here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form and manifest energetic manifestations within me according to words, physical movements, instead of realizing that who I really am is direct one and equal physical experience.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define breathing according to memories, according to definitions of energies instead of being here as breath directly.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as energy generator.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live according to energy instead of being the directive principle as life as physical one and equal.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to conceal the nature of my energetic possessions from myself, from others in order to manipulate to get what I want, or avoid what I do not want.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want or not want things instead of acting directly accordingly as myself as one as equal.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to energetic experiences.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust within energies, within experiencing energies instead of trusting myself here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge according to energy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself according to energy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others according to energy.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within participation of energy - I am not directly living but being directed by accepted and allowed self-dishonesty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to energetic experiences of mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to energies.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to ride energies instead of realizing I am the directing principle and I am responsible of I am accepting energies instead of stopping immediately.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that who I actually experience myself as mind consciousness system - is of energies - is of conditions, is of not physically real.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept myself being directed by and as energies instead of STOP.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly wanting to have energies what I defined as indications of I am doing great, I am great - this is of self-deception.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define breathing according to energies.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to energetic experiences of breathing.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when I do experience breathing, I I am facing with energetic experiences of what I already defined and did not let go as energetic experiences based on self-dishonesty what must be stopped.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge myself according to energies.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I do require energy to live instead of realizing that energy of mind is invalid as it's starting point is of self-dishonesty.

írok

irok irok es csak irok - teljesen a tudatomat az tolti ki, hogy itt vagyok, lelegzek - tudatossa valik, hogyan utom a billentyuket egyenkent, mindegyiket kulon-kulon tapasztalom egymas utan - megis gyorsan es folyamatosan gepelek - ez a tapasztalas - ahogy a testem itt ul, ebben a fizikai, ebben a geometriai pozicioban, ezekkel az erzekszervekkel tapasztalva - ha a definiciok kepbe jonnek - mar tul sok -- figyelni a valosagra is, meg figyelni az elme're - ez kettos, mert amig elme van - addig nincs valosag - ha csak egy pillanatra is...aztan az elmen keresztul definialom a valosagot, aztan a valosagban meg az elme nem segit igazan, hacsak nem mar az altalam eddig elfogadott es megengedett megnyilvanult kovetkezmenyeket tapasztalom az elmen keresztul...marmint egy kettősség "alapú" elmén keresztül definiálom a nem kettősséget?

ahogy irom ezt - rajovok, hogy ha igy irok - es lelegzek - kepes vagyok csak irni - es ahogy kiadom magambol - kepes vagyok latni magamban - megtapasztalom magam egy olyan formaban, ami stabil, konstans, mert leirtam - es ha eggye valok az irassal, fizikailag, tudatossagban, akkor en az vagyok, mint a teremtes - tudatossag, fizikai megnyilvanulas, onmagam - az mar mas kerdes, hogy mennyire vagyok oszinte magammal - mert amig nem vagyok kepes brutal oszintesegben irni a dolgaimrol - amik gondolkozasba 'taszitanak' a jelenlet folytonos valosagabol - addig nem is latom magam 'tisztan' - hogy miert is jonnek ezek a gondolatok magamban - amik szinten en vagyok valamilyen szinten - csak oda 'uztem szamon' magam, az elme 'hatartalan birodalmaba' - ahol latszolag a gondolatom csak en lathatom: csak en lathatom, hogy ujra az elme 'maszkja'n' keresztul vagyok csak hajlando a valosagban interakcioba kereveredni, aztan persze ha ott valami zavaros, tul intenziv, kellemetlen, akkor mivel en mar az elme kesztyujen keresztul 'ragadom meg' - igazabol mindig a kesztyut fogom - mint amikor ovszert hasznalok - en a puncit kozvetlenul nem erzem - csak az ovszer belsejeben vagyok teljesen elszeparalva onnan, amiben vagyok - es igazabol nem en elvezem a puncit, hanem az ovszer;) - ezt talan Bernard mondta egyszer, mint hasonlat, de ez van...

egy időben lekötött, hogy az elmémet különböző anyagokkal befolyásoltam, "gátoltam" néha "rendesen" működni, próbáltam kitörni a már viselt űrruhámat, de ha néha sikerült is, csak azt tapasztaltam, hogy lekerült rólam ez a dolog, és kb újszülött vagyok és lélegzem, aztán amikor a szerek hatása "kifolyt" - akkor hirtelen újra szembesültem magammal, mint elme és képtelen voltam egy lélegzettel, stabilan, lélegzetről lélegzetve elengedni az elme befolyását, s fokozatosan újra "rámnőtt", "belebújtam" ebbe a rendszerbe.

De mindig úgy éreztem, én valamennyire befolyásolok, meg "ragad rám" ezeknek az élményeknek a sorozatos megélésén keresztül, de igazából ezek csak foszlányok voltak - ez egy felfoghatatlan különbség - pedig azok az élmények csak blokkolták az elme bizonyos működéseit - a teljes elmét leállítani a legnagyobb botorság - az egész lényem, létem az elmében van - a hirtelen "kiszakadás" - és mindaz, amit a test végez - aminek az ember nincs tudatában - amit az elme "átvett" - az is leállna és lehet, hogy azt a test nem élné túl. Abszolút szimbiózis, a fizikai valóságban.
Ez a szimbiózis egy folyamatos, légzésről légzésre történő megfigyelésén, átölelésén, definíció nélküli megtapasztalásán keresztül a tudatos leálláson, mint az élő megbocsátásként történő önkifejezés fizikai megnyilvánulásaként: a "leállás", "megállás" gyakorlatán át - megállítható.
Mert a fizikai megnyilvánulásom - amit teszek - olyan kiindulópontokon alapszik, amik mentén ez a definíció-alapú létezés így elharapózott és ránknőtt. Ez elfogadhatatlan. Mindenki felelős ezért az "énjéért" - meg kell állítania - mert ez az egó, ez az önérdek az, amely meggátolja az egészben a harmónikus, egyenlőség-alapú élet megnyilvánulását minden egyes ember által, aki elfogadja magát, mint definiáló elme.
Ezért az elmét meglátni, ahogy mozog, hogyan mozog, miért mozog - az kulcs.
Az elmét úgy elengedni, hogy fizikailag jelenvagyok, a lélegzetemnek tudatában vagyok - az is kulcs.
Az elmében bizonyos feltételeket, helyzeteket, érzéseket, melyekben azt tapasztalom, hogy nem vagyok abszolút őszinte magammal - önmegbocsátást alkalmazom - megbocsátom magamnak, hogy elfogadtam és megengedtem magamnak, hogy ezekben a bizonyos helyzetekben, ekkor és itt, nem önmagamra, hanem feltételekre hagyatkozom, az határozza meg, hogy és mit és kiként tapasztalok, amik elfogadhatatlanok. Ezért megbocsátom magamnak, hogy elfogadtam és megengedtem magamnak, hogy ez és ez miatt, konkrétan ilyenkor például megijedek - vagy például dühös leszek és felbaszódom(nyers példa, de ezt mindenki vágja) - vagy, hogy olyan dolgokra gondolok valakiről, amiket ha mondanék az illetőnek, akkor csúnyán megjárnám - ez sunnyogás, olyan mintha nem minden részem lenne itt, hanem egy részem sunnyogva vigyorogva bújik és nem mutatom ki, elfojtom, lenyelem, elrejtem - pedig az is én vagyok...
Ezekre a helyzetekre vonatkozólag lehet írni önmegbocsátást - vagy mondani - s a hang, mint önkifejezés - bizony kioldja a kötést a programból, amely meghatároz az elmében - nem oldja meg, csak kicsit feloldja - segít tudatossá válni, segít mélyebbre látni, segít leállni.
Vagy ha kifejezem magam, hogy önmegbocsátás erre a dologra és mégis csinálom, vagyis mégsem hagyom abba a belső reakciót például vágy, harag, GONDolkodást - akkor az önmegbocsátásom egyértelműen nem valódi - fizikailag nem bocsátottam magamnak meg semmit - tehát egyből tudatossá válok abban is, hogy amit csinálok, az hatékony-e. Ezért ez fontos. Önmegbocsátás az alap.
Nem csak az "elmélet", az "elv", a "szimbólum" fontos itt, hanem a folyamatos fizikai kifejezés - akár megosztani mással, akár mindenkivel, hogy én ez vagyok most - az élő önmegbocsátás - s mások közt úgyis kiderül, hogy valódi-e.