Self forgiveness: partner, father, time etc

Within our agreement I've noticed some points coming to surface when we do not agree by default.
I am responsible for some patterns within my behavior what is like as I saw my father did with my mother when they argued when I was kid. This I must explore more, it's like I have a sense on this about my father did the same yet I can not put directly into words here.

Currently my life is about to face several points at the same time what I must embrace and change to express oneness and equality with and as myself as my reality and point by point, one by one.

The points I enlist here what about I allow inner reactions to experience, starting the ones within the agreement with my partner, Suszti.

-Sometimes I behave like I am nervous, frustrated, energetically charged, wheeled up, I am reacting, I am not here, I tend to be defensive and separated. After a while I do calm down, but at these occasions I do calm down when I see my partner becoming nervous already or she just swallows it and then it's already too late because she reacted or suppressed. It's like an unconscious game what we sometimes allow to be played out and if we do not stop, it will direct us to the point of we find each other rather unbearable than 'normal'. We agreed on never arguing again, we agreed on not bringing shit up - yet sometimes it still happens. We did not agree on things to the outmost specificity.

-Sometimes I allow myself to define that I require time to be spent alone otherwise I am getting nervous again, fear of losing who I've defined myself to be. We already pushed this point, within one flat|room we must be able to do our things regardless of the other's presence. I guess it's about the secret, what I do without wanting her to know it or it's about how I define myself to be alone and within her presence - and of course: why.

-Sometimes I allow sexual desires to be compounded(it's like a default strategy to react with energy or to occupy myself when I do not like or I do not want to face reality - then sexual energy 'lifting' I start to want) and at occasions it is like wanting to burst now, regardless of reality, I just want sex and at these moments I am really tempted. When we do sex at least twice a week, it is not prominent, but if this does not happen, after some days, I find myself being influenced by sexual context within situations wherein I would not do so by my decision, it's like I do see a specific shaped or clothed or faced woman and I allow inner reaction(because at this moment I am not present, breath, directive), for instance for a moment I wonder about 'wow that ass looks gorgeous, mmmm' - and after this, I do stop, or even I do look to the opposite direction, and as like a little child, I do explain to myself that I currently have a partner, I do not want to anything happen with other girl than my partner, if I want sex, I should approach her, as she also wants this and enjoys it with me anyway, so if she is not here at this moment, I should breath and wait or act with this until we can do so, that's it.


Okay, Self Forgiveness:


Partner:
I forgive myself that I have not considered my partner as Equal and One with and as me in all ways.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I do separate myself from my agreement partner with any inner reaction and I continuously allow this - I am responsible for the physical consequences of separation - instead of stopping defining her as separated from me.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I accept and allow inner reactions to come up within me regarding to my agreement partner - I am responsible for the perceived separation from her.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that any separation I might experience - is because of I have allowed myself to define myself separated from her in any way whatsoever instead of forgiving myself for the currently allowed inner reaction specifically.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I am reacting to my partner's expression inside - I am not here, I am not real, I am of delusions, I am of self-dishonesty, instead of taking self-responsibility and stop reacting.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my agreement as too intense.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as automatic.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself automatic regarding to my agreement and acting with my partner, Suszti.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as I do need to rest from facing myself and her within our agreement, instead of realizing that within this rest in fact I want to rest from who I am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as somebody who have to be alone regularly in order to 'pull myself together' as who I defined myself to be as 'alone' instead of realizing that if I define myself according to flags such as 'alone' or 'with my partner' or 'with other ones' then I am limiting myself into and as these definitions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not wanting to face myself (at occasions, when I define it as too much) as my manifested agreement as herself and myself together as one as equal and then wanting to occupy myself with activities where I am alone.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my agreement and to be with my partner as too much instead of realizing that what I am facing is in fact myself and I must take self-responsibility in and as the moment as act as breath.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that at occasions I do manipulate my partner in order to get what I want instead of directly expressing what I want to her because I allow fear to come up within me about 'she might react' or 'she might not want to do so' or 'she might not want to allow this for me' and to balance this upcoming self-allowed fear, I use words specifically to make her act as I want to, what is self-deception.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as 'fucked up' at occasions after we do argue for a while and then I feel like I am fucked because I am disappointed, because I feel like I fucked up because I reacted instead of taking self-responsibility within the moment and act and express Self-Forgiveness within the moment and express Self-Corrective Application as stopping to participate within self definition of 'I'm fucked up'.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I define myself as 'fucked up', I am responsible for what I experience as I am in fact continuously allowing to 'remain' 'fucked up' instead of immediately apply self-forgiveness as the point, as the self-dishonesty, as myself as breath as physical expression.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'feel' that I am getting tired when I do not get what I want because then I can not define that 'everything as I wanted' and then I do not experience this 'energetic state' of 'greatness' - instead of realizing that this is of self-deception wherein I do escape into occupations to not needing to face what I have allowed to manifest as myself as existence.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I want to smoke when I can not come along with my partner Suszti, because within the past, I often smoked when I felt like I require to 'relax', instead of directing myself as breath as Self-forgiveness and let go any temptations to pace my mind and accumulate self-direction by step by step of stopping.

About father:
I forgive myself that I've defined myself as I am the continuation of my father.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my father as myself with no difference.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from becoming like my father was, because my mother had enormous fear about this and she told me so many times that she is very afraid that I might become like my father was - instead of realizing that I am not like father.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my father as somebody who is always with me instead of realizing that only my definitions and memories and inner reactions about him is here if I allow to react insider for external influences with thoughts, feelings, emotions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react inside when others say to me that I am alcoholic because I NEVER drink alcohol since years, not even a sip; instead of realizing that this was my decision to not abuse myself anymore and not strengthen the mind with alcohol in any way whatsoever and if others has issues or pre-programmed definitions about alcohol is great, then I simply realize that this is their issues, I am done with this and I am consistent.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dislike and sometimes hate alcohol because the people around me sometimes act very robotic when they drink alcohol.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to ban alcohol sometimes but in fact I do not act according to this 'want' - it is just a some sort of 'hope' about the people around me might stop consuming alcohol.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my movements, behavior and expressions as the same as my father had, instead of realizing that I am me, myself and I can change and in fact I am changing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to argue with my partner just like as I saw my father did with my mother when I was little.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to blame my father because he did not want to face himself and he could not take self-responsibility for himself and for his family.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from people judging me being similar to my father because then if they perceive me as similar, then I might be similar than him and I've defined this as 'fearful'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define 'fearful' to be similar than my father because I might end up as he did, died drunk in a pit, what I've defined as very shitty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define as 'shitty death' when somebody falls drunk into a pit near the road full of water and drowning into it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to balance my definition of 'shitty death of my father' with 'such a cool way to leave this fucking world' because my first definition was of his end as 'shameful', about what I can not really be pride.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be pride to my father and to my mother regardless of anything..
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that my father made a sport of blaming and procrastination and I learn this pattern from him subconsciously.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize what self-dishonesties I am currently responsible to express regarding to my father's personality pattern.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the 'sins of my father' I got by default within my mother's womb through blood and DNA and that is still influencing me what I can be aware of by writing out and applying self forgiveness specifically to each point and each point's starting point by becoming one and equal as the self-dishonesty point and STOP and breathe.

Several points facing at a time in general:
I forgive myself that I've defined myself as somebody who can only face one point at a time.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as I am frustrated when I am facing multiple points at a time wherein I must stop participate within self-dishonesties.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I am defining myself according to situations wherein I find myself in, instead of realizing that who I really am is not of momentary situations, but how I express as moment physically is who I am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I can not focus to multiple points at a time and then within all I will fear - instead of realizing that who I am is not of fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from focusing to multiple points at a time because of fearing that I might fail with all points.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a man, who can only focus to one point at a time.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define women as they are to be able to focus to multiple points at the same time.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that even when I am facing to a single point at a time, I still allow fear to come up about what if an other point will come up and then I will not be able to focus to both points because I've defined myself as somebody who can only focus to one point at a time.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when multiple points emerge and I am loosing my stable feet 'on the ground' as presence, then I can in fact stop participate within all points except the one what is really bugging me in the moment and focus only to that one as myself and realize the self-dishonesty within it and stop participate and breath and forgive it unconditionally.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to focus to only one point at a time while not realizing that it is not about the number of the points, it is about who I am within and as the moment when facing myself as these points wherein I experience inner reactions, self-dishonesties and this is my self-responsibility to stop participate in one breath.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear from falling from facing multiple points instead of realizing that in fact I can not fall, only I can face and learn something new about who I have allowed myself to become physically and what I must stop.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be jealous to people who apparently are able to handle multiple points while they remain constant and stable, instead of realizing that I also can remain constant and stable.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I am not constant and I am unstable when I define myself according to external influences by my pre-defined personality matrix, what I must learn and stop and unlearn and let go moment by moment within constancy and consistency.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize the pattern within I allow self-dishonesty within myself according to facing points within me.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when I focus to one point to face/solve/equalize/let go/release/remove within me - then I am defining myself according to this pre-definition of 'focusing to one point' - instead of really and simply focusing to the point without defining and in fact limiting myself as only being this 'focusing to one point'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define that 'I am using too much times as 'in fact' and wanting to define myself as 'I want to use 'in fact' less' because fearing from others might define me as somebody who 'uses 'in fact' too many times'.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I define myself according to how I perceive others 'defining me' instead of realizing that it is of self-delusion.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will forget who I am if I do not define myself and the situations wherein I find myself in and as.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I am here and I am the directive principle of my life.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I allow fear of change.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I fear from chaning.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not changing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as 'I am changing very slowly'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from 'changing too slowly' because of still holding to self definition of a progress about in that tempo I should change instead of realizing that it is distraction from HERE wherein I in fact I am physically without any inner reaction, without any self-definition.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become nervous because allowing fear within me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be frustrated because epxeriencing that I allow fear within me instead of bringing the fear point HERE as myself as one as equal and realizing what I must let go of and I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear and I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be frustrated to allow fear instead of simply let go of fear and frustration.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to energetically charging myself with continuous participation within inner reaction.
I forgive myself that I accept and allow myself to wheel up insider by continuous participation of thoughts, feelings and emotions what is directing my physical life until I STOP.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my reactions with my partner within the starting point of fear she might get hurt by her reaction of her definition-systems of my expression.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from facing inner reactions here beacuse I might loose time what I've defined as 'never enough'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from time is 'never enough' instead of realizing that the perception of time is of the mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not having enough time for what I've defined as very important while still wanting to participate within activites what I've defined as not very important instead of deciding it within the moment and trusting myself unconditionally.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I am suppressing my reactions towards my partner - it will compound and it will eventually strike out and then I will not be able to direct within the starting point of self-realization.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being exposed of what I am still accepting and allowing as self-dishonesty instead of letting all go and stop and change.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my partner to dump my nervousness and frustration to her because she is here and she is accepting me and my reality instead of realizing that what I am doing to myself in fact I am doing to myself.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to consider my partner as an other self as me and using her as an object because simply in the moment I can do so.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize when I am communicating within nervousness and frustration to my partner.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to stop within one breath when I realize that I am nervous and I am expressing towards my partner within the starting point of nervousness.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to recognise nervousness within me and defining it as 'I am wheeling, rolling' and defining it as cool, energetic, strong.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when I am frustrated, I do not consider myself and others as here as one as equal therefore I am of and as separation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not discuss every and each point within my life shared with my agreement partner to the outmost specificity and agree totally and write it down, saying it and acting it as one as equal as the Living Word.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when my partner does not agree with me in a point, then I do not need automatically react inside as frustrated, rejected, fearful.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to bear that somebody is not agreeing with me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from the act of somebody might not agree with me and then I might not get what I want.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not getting what I want because then what I've defined as myself as who I am of what I want will not manifest, who I defined myself to be will not be able to manifest, so I might be not even real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not being real.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not being real.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not being real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not being real is fearful.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not express self forgiveness unconditionally.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to my fears.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being directed by my partner because I do not trust in her.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust within the direction of my partner because I've defined her as I can not trust in her.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to trust in my partner but fearing from doing so because I might get disappointed from not getting what I want.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to my wants.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to my trusts towards others.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I do want to trust in others because I do not allow myself to trust in myself.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I can trust myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not being able to trust in my partner.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from my partner does not trust in me.

Sexuality:


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow sexual desires to exist within me instead of realizing that the desire comes through suppression.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compound sexual desires within me by participating within thoughts, emotions, feelings about sex.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize when I do suppress sexual desire in the moment.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I am responsible for experiencing desire as a manifestation and consequence of perceived separation through participation within thoughts, feelings, emotions about what I want to experience.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I fear to experience that's why I desire - or I fear from releasing the want to experience because then I'd fear from who I define myself to be is not real.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define specific women on the street as desirable because of the picture presentation I've programmed into me as desirable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire after women as sex objects.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I am participating within desire after experience and while participating within desire - I can not experience anything else than desire, the separation from the subject of my self-defined, self-compounded desire.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wonder about specific women body shape types as 'gorgeous', just because I've defined that geometric shape as 'gorgeous' automatically and giving the permission to my mind to automatically react inside as 'wow this is goergous' - instead of realizing that in fact I am only reacting to my own definitions what's subject can be literally anything based on my personality program what I must STOP.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to fight my self-accepted desire towards women by looking into the opposite direction within the fear that if I might look, I might react what I am aware of as self-dishonesty what I want to stop.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope that if I do look into the opposite direction of a picture presentation of a woman who I already defined as 'gorgeous' - that I might not experience desire - instead of realizing that I can simply stop reacting by breathing through, by realizing when and how and why I started to define that particular experience as 'desirable' and forgiving it expressing my action as change as practical STOP.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to grab a very curly, white tight-pants-ed woman's ass because I've defined it as very attractive.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to becoming angry to women in the underway who wear de'collete' where I can see big parts of their tits because I am reacting towards them with desire what I do not want to.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself powerless against facing women who I've defined attactive because I've defined myself as somebody who automatically 'gets' desire to sex - instead of realizing that I can stop participate, I can just be here without any inner movement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget that I do have a partner who I agreed with to have sex exceptionally and only with her - so it is not required to automatically react towards other women in any way whatsoever.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to situations instead of me myself being who I am regardless of external influences especially about women and sexuality and temptation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as somebody who likes women.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to women.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as somebody who can not hold up until the right moment to act.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not acting within the right moment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from acting within the wrong moment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from acting.

What Desteni is sharing

What Desteni is sharing

To realize the necessity of self-deprogramming through and as words by speaking the words what I live and to live what I speak as one as equal.

To realize the simple basic principle with what we can practically embrace reality at any level, simply because there is always common sense how to get to the self realization but with an absolute and eternal starting point - we always wobble through experiences defined by ourselves as unstable by simply being lost within the details while unable to realign self with the 'big picture' - to develop real unconditional stability as self as expression.

That's why the basic principle is that I am always one and equal with and as my reality. If the actual experience what I face, is about to manifest, the point, for instance "fear from being disposed from a relationship as the other might chang his/her mind", then I am the point as I face fear within and as me from this point, then I am one and equal with what I manifested, the whole physically 'touchable' experience: as I built up a relationship and I defined myself through and as it and I trusted it and the next day it is gone, and I feel strange, uncomfortable, because my starting point for a while was not me as self as life as all as one as equal - then as it's gone - a part of me is gone, and if it's gone, then it's starting point was not consistent, was not me, was not real. Then I miss the thing, even when I am aware of it was not 'real' from 'me', because it had conditions, it was not here, then it was here and then it is not here again - not really trustworthy.

That's why I realize - no matter how deep shit I dig myself into - there is no choice - do I come out or not it is already obviously here.

By realizing that there is 'no choice', I take responsibility and I stand up, not even hesitateing for a blink when it comes to 'choice' - if I am here, I direct, and if I am not here - I experience everything through my 'unreal' past-based, limited perception - so what 'comes in' is already flawed, shifted, twisted by my definitions of things, therefore actually I face my manifested expression of unrealistic perceptions and at least but the most really, the physical consequences.

Then if I apply the basic principle of neness and equality for daily life - I slowly but surely change and I align myself to the only possible 'exposure', the whole existence as me as one as equal as life - as I take responsibility as creation for what I accept and allow.
And then I realize what personally myself is what I accept and allow as "my" existence. Then I see the reality right here, in front of me.

To see the fucking reality is the most simplest thing ever: Just check out how humans fuck up everything in all ways wherein some rule the most by simply creating this energy-value-money-vacuum-system and with that abusing the distribution of power, energy as life - and by everyone's acceptance of the prices and values - people actually die meanwhile the other one wastes hundred times more 'money-energy' with what many could at least not die. And then comes the justification of 'natural selection' what is simply the greatest nazi thing by simply to say that if you are poor, you should actually die, please.

I do not need to find reasons to explain this point more: if we can not love our neighbor as ourselves - we are not even close to actual 'living' as 'life'. Because this is abuse - and if I see it on practical level - I see that we could actually change this world quite fast with an Equal Money System - the true distribution of power as for the first time real love could be expressed through and as everybody simply by granting the same qualities for living in this world - food, shelter, health care at least for every human unconditionally - until that is not manifested, I am not accepting 'love' as real, until that I do not see this world different from hell.
I know, it sounds tough and 'dark' but in fact I am one and equal with and as existence and there is someone who have no food, while the others are accepting him/her to die - then for me a bit like these are demons in hell.
It is common sense that if I am human and I have 'spare' to share and the other one requires that thing for bare surviving(food, water), then I share.
It's like doing things for others what I do want to receive for myself.

For me, it's like if I like something, I assert that the other one might also like it and if says no, then it's alright, for instance with the food, I really enjoy to eat multiple times a day, so I assume that the other one also likes to eat, what is the problem with this? What is the fear within allowing everyone to eat? To be educated, to access health care. This is what an Equal Money System is about, to educate a group of people who can share an assisting environment to be able to 'heal' ourselves from the pre-programmed mind-fuckups to allow ourselves to even realize what is really going on and how and why and then pushing the points into practical change.

So Desteni is about to directly face the core of the problems, no matter what, taking responsibility for what we have accepted and allowed to manifest and finding practical ways to STOP, instead of using justifications for why do we not change. Do not allow your opinions to take over, simply investigate with common sense and apply and share and let go the past of any kind in any moment.

Desteni is sharing the tools to assist and support ourselves within this process of Self-Realization by developing and applying Common Sense, Self-Honesty, Self-Forgiveness, Writing, Sharing and pushing and manifesting the point of Equal Money System.

Self-forgiveness: crying

Specific memories when I experienced crying

I do not remember much of crying. I always wondered what is happening when others cry, I mean even I wanted sometimes to do so but just could not. I also noticed that many adult use cry as a 'normal' release, some even use it as manipulation of others and

I was about 15 when my family(mother, sister and me) were attending to a wedding. My mother insisted to I wear a suit as I never liked it and I resisted it to the last moment then I wore it and we went to the wedding.
I was standing at the corner while crying silently because I had to do what I did not want.
Then Ramona, a girl from the same village came to me and spoke with me and then it was alright. We went behind the church and took some glasses and threw to the back-wall of the church and it felt good to release my anger.
Before I felt powerless, because I have to obey to silly commands from my mother for instance wear this penguin-like suit what was very strict and uncomfortable, especially the wood-leather shoes.
After I felt that I can compensate it with destruction of
the glasses what grownups define as value(money).
-------
I do not remember any particular crying experience after this until university when the subject of my so called 'love'(self deception), E. told me that she does not want to be with me as girlfriend and after months ot thriving, I finally understood. When I was sitting at the front of the flat at the top of the concrete block, I was crying. I could not stop it, all my bitter miscarriage flew out and I lost the sense of myself in a way within that cry, I cried for everything but mostly because simply something did not happen what I wanted - nothing I wanted more - this was the only single focus point within my life - to be with her and when I finally understood that it will not happen - I cried. I put all of myself to this focal point - all other aspects of me blurred out for long months and then within that cry I've changed.
I've decided to close myself down in a way - since then - I did not cry for 13 years.
I made the decision that "I will not suffer because of woman, no matter what."

Then when recently I had heatstroke and flu and I cried, not like 'sobbing' but it was definitely cry. It was a some sort of process - when I started process, I experienced a some sort of mind-cry for slight moments. It was more likely a very fast picture pop-up within my mind as I am crying very intensely - for about a quarter of a second and then nothing, like it was nothing.
When I talked with my Resonances at Desteni Farm last year, it was told that I've developed to suppress emotionally very fast - for a quantum moment I have this emotional package and then in the next moment it's gone, but I did not release, I did suppress. But suppression accumulate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from crying because then I would define myself as weak.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate crying with weakness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define cry as something what would mean that I am unworthy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I cry, I am exposing my weakness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from crying because then I would show up to others that I am lost.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from crying because then I do not seem as a grownup man.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress crying because then I would fear from being judged as weak, woman-like, hysteric.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define crying as manipulation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from crying because then I would release the things about I am crying and then I would change.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from changing because then I would not know what will happen.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not knowing what will happen.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if see/hear someone to cry more than one time then I would define her/him that it is just manipulation instead of realizing that it might happen because of hurt.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that crying would make me vulnerable for attacks.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I cry, I might get addicted to crying.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I see someone cry, I should not trust in that person.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have any definition about crying instead of remain inner silent.


Specific memories:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cry when I can not do what I want.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cry when I must do what others told me and I defined it as I do not like it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry to my mother because she told me something to do what I did not want to do.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cry when I do not get what I want.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel shameful when I cry in front of the others, especially girls.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to shame to cry when at least one woman is around because how I defined myself as a man who can not cry is not true therefore who I defined myself to be came to be not real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not getting what I want because then my whole approach to get what I want was not fruitful.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get frustrated when I do not get what I want and then suppressing the emotions and compound them and when it is getting too much, then crying.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being 'burned out' when I cry.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define crying as painful.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as 'not feeling good' when someone is crying around me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use crying to escape from reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define crying as a tool to balance my fuckupness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that my tears was gone because I've cried so much.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as someone who can not cry because I've defined my past crying as 'too much', as 'depleted'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myselt to think that crying makes me unstable therefore it is avoidable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from crying because then I would make myself unstable.
i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress emotions so fast that I even do not become aware of it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that if someone is crying then that person is untrustworthy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself untrustworthy because I've cried.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I cry once then next time I will cry easier.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get frustrated and nervous when I am talking to someone who starts to crying.

Kiindulópont, gyakorlat, akarat

minden eldontes kerdese, mint az is, hogy ékezetekkel írok, most már ez sem kifogás, folyékonyan megy a magyar is gépelve, angol is, ritkán hibázok, természetesen folyik a gépelés, bár megnéztem a gyors és gépírótanfolyamok anyagát, ők több tekintetben is másképp gépelnek, mégis nekem úgy tűnt, hogy hosszú ujjaimmal és gyors reflexeimmel legyek olyan gyors, hogy ha valaki beszél, akkor képes legyek begépelni. Ez azért, ha gyorsan beszél, még nem megy, de amúgy csak gyakorlat kérdése.


kiindulópont
gyakorlat
akarat

ez a hármas van és semmi más
ezek ciklusán megy keresztül az ember és ha ezekből épít, akkor együtt az valami maradandó lehet, amúgy meg csak sorra megéli ezek elvesztését majd újratapasztalását.

de ez nem valódi, amíg nem konzisztens, körülménytől független.

tehát nem kell mást tenni, mint figyelni az én - ként az én-t - mik azok a körülmények, amik hatással vannak rá egyáltalán, netalán tán nagyon is - ezekkel nem kell törődni, mint "tudati fókusz" tárgya, hiszen ezek csak önmagammal való találkozás minden tekintetben - azaz akárkivel is találkozom, magammal találkozom a gyakorlatban című gyakorlat elevenen.

személyiságfajtáim közül különböző külső inger alapján más és más "kiindulópont, akarat, gyakorlat" mentén eltolódok, megváltozom, "előjön belőlem a ...", amikor kevésbé vagy egyáltalán nem vágom a külvilágot, hisz annyira torlódnak bennem a történetek, miközben a külvilág nem áll le egy pillanatra sem és én mintegy kiugrom a valóságból, hogy a kis saját illúzió-palotámba képzeljem magam, hogy minden kafa, vágó, aztán a következő pillanatban már "itt" vagyok, ahol az előbb sem voltam "itt", csak épp vissza-visszaugrálok a kristálypalotámból, hogy elhitessem magammal, hogy olyankor "itt vagyok". Holott valójában halott vagyok abban a tekintetben, hogy nem ÉLem meg azt, hogy mit is jelent valójában, teljesen ITT lenni - még ha így is dönt az ember, hogy ezt csinálja, érdekes szinteken keresztül tapasztalja meg önmagának leállításának művészetét a hosszú évek fegyelmezett módszereinek segítségével, mint az önmegbocsátás, írás, kineziológia.

Week of heatstroke and Self Forgiveness on emotions

2011.09.18

I am officially "offsick". The first part will be the story how I experienced myself through the week, the second part will be Self Forgiveness and some Self Corrective Statements.

I got heatstroke and at the same time I was down with cold and sore throat. Strange coupling. We were motorboating on the river Danube near my sister's weekend house meanwhile I was not wearing hat(sometimes yes, but to not allow the wind to take away the hat - I took it off) and I was busy with photographing and video recording while not considering the physical conditions. This was the second time this year when I was under sun more than half a hour and I had no chance.
The strange thing was that almost for a day I did not know that I have any problem. After the boating I was having my head really hot and I felt myself weak, so when we returned from the trip(it was about 2-3 hours totally), I used my sister's hat and made it wet and went into the hut to take a nap meanwhile I could not sleep but somehow I felt myself 'charging'.
Later afternoon I felt better, then I went out with my agreement partner Suszti and we did take a bath in the river naked - then again we were power-boating again - this time even myself I drove the thing for a while.
After the trip we went back to my mother's house, spend a hour and then with Suszti we caught the train back to Budapest.

On the train I was about to feel that I am exploding slowly but surely. I even considered the possibility that somebody gave me high dose LSD as the symptoms were very similar:
-Energetic bursts circulated within my whole physical body while I felt like I am on a dimensional shift because I could not find my place
-I felt very uncomfortable because I could not handle to just sit there meanwhile Suszti was reading because emotions started to infest my mind from apparently nowhere.

I was familliar with this as I took psychedelic drugs hundreds of times within my past but this was way more rude and raw - and as hours passed - it did not flip out as 'trips' usually do but intensified to the outmost degree.

When we arrived to Budapest, we went down to the subway wherein about 15 times more people were waiting - no chance to get the metro within rational time frame, probably some traffic problem, so we went up and in that moment I was about to burst some anger with my fist hitting the handrail on the moving staircase. Suszti suggested to not let myself go and discipline myself but I was having seriously problematic time to even be aware of my breath at will.
I was behaving like her 3 years old kid when he is tired around 20PM and I was about to start walking instead of wait one minute for the tram but then the tram came, then we changed the tram and we already argued some and I 'knew' that I lost the point HERE but I told her, I simply want to move on instead of some helpless wait.
On the tram I was already crying, I could not help stopping my tears so I took on and closed my eyes and experienced my tears flowing.
After that at my place we started to argue on something, Suszti was bringing up some points within our agreement as how unpleasant when women approach me and very soon she left me , she rather wanted to be alone than with me. We had a particular issue what we could not agree on and I was unable to use common sense in that time, but this will be a topic of a future blog post, regarding to current status of our agreement. So.
I went to sleep - that was the only thing I could do, to go into my bed and try to sleep - after a while I slept in and Suszti came back - it turned out that she missed the tram and could not get home so after a while she came back about at 1 AM. I opened the door for her and that was the time when I realized that I was extremely freezing out, my body was shaking like never before and she came to me into the bed and she told me that my body is very very hot, I am having a very high fever what should be pushed down with medication but I told her I do not care, just 'hug me' and we slept. It was very clear then that I got something serious sickness, so I've planned to go to doctor in the morning instead of work.
In the morning she went to work, I did pee almost orange and then I bought a thermometer, at 8AM it was 38.4.
Doctor told me that I got heatstroke and got virus with sore throat and she gave me Algopyrin pills and took me to sick-pay. Until Wednesday my fever did not really go below 38, only if I took 1-2 pills - and my tears just flowed many-many times. Not because of the extreme pain what all parts of my body felt like but somehow I felt like all the suppressed shit throughout the years was lacerated and came to surface. I was facing myself.

I was literally burning out all the suppressed shit within and as my human phyisical body and literally it was one of my most intense things of my life. Man, I felt aggrieved so strong, that I was crying again and then I realized this is what I can thank only to myself.
I was blustering for years because of 'I can not cry since 10 years' - I was crying. It was relief.
When the pill did not take my fever, I took a cold shower and I was shaking like in the movie Trainspotting where the heroin-addict guy was occluded from the stuff. Even I did laugh on myself about what did I think when I did suppress myself throughout the years, not only by myself, but with the drugs, with the dope, with all kinds of 'psycho'-delusional stuff.

But it was worthy - to walk through directly this to experience what degree I suppressed the shit into and as my human physical body, simply for instance one point, suppressing emotions.

But the week was not simply I was in bed all the time - the timing was about to 'clean up' my current place, go to the new apartment(I found it before) and pay in advance to be able to take out from October. So I had to clean up my place and it was a mess! So I took two pills instead of two and I was packing and cleaning on Wednesday. I've noticed that my brain is skipping points, forgetting things very easily and my focus and discipline was very weak, I was discursive. I was watching movies also, I remember 'The girl with dragon tattoo' - and there were some very nasty and evil killings in the movie and I found it very very disturbing, usually I do not 'feel' like.
The next point what raised the 'stakes' of this whole experience that I had no money. I had to put down all of existing money into the next flat(advance money), so I took my poor-box full with coins and I started to roll up 5's and 10's and 20's to 500HUF's. It was very intense experience as I was digging after bigger coins with my fingers in a big pot.
On Wednesday morning I did vomit from the tap water while I was washing my tooth - nothing really came out as since days I was barely able to eat anything, but I felt the tap water very stinky and undrinkable. Then I went back to doctor for check-up and meanwhile I was walking on the street, I noticed how disgusting it is - very dirty, literally shitty, raunchy, getto-like the district is where I was living since 3 years. I always knew that it is one of the ugliest part of the city, but I almost vomit on the street again. I was very glad that the next apartment will be in Buda, the 'greener/nicer' part of Budapest.

So within this continuous temptation of reacting to different kind of things, the only thing what really assisted me that I was saying self-forgiveness and I knew that I stick to breath and I did count my breath as much as I could, just breath trough, if I get through this shit, I will not fuck myself up with suppressing emotions again, I will not smoke again and I will stop all participation within emotions no matter what because it is extremely insane to live like this. So then as days passed, my body's heat-system started to recover, I was able to eat more and more and I was better but still I took naps in each 3 hours.

On Friday night I felt the first time that I am getting stronger so I could do some pushups.
At Suszti, there was a meeting with people who we traveled a lot before and I was enjoying to eat and talk.
Yesterday, on Saturday I came home(from Suszti's) and I was able to continue with my second job(still about to 'finish' my task and if it's done, my contract will end!).
I got one week to finish it, to write down the handover documentation.
Tomorrow I will look after Suszti's kid while she will go out, so I will be able to continue the mind construct what I must finish ASAP for the current lesson within Desteniiprocess.

I remember that when I was at Desteni farm, while talking with Resonances, that I have the tendency to suppress emotions very quickly, I even did not become aware of it, because the emotion 'comes' and in the next micro-second it was suppressed into the physical body and I was like "I have no emotions, I am 'clear'", but in fact I just suppressed it.

Self forgiveness - emotions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress emotions.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I do suppress emotions.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I am not aware of suppressed emotions only when it is too much.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from emotions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define emotion as weakness.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I fight emotions, I am of emotions.
I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to release emotions when they arise.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I am responsible for my emotions.
I forgive myself that I've defined myself as emotionless instead of realizing that I do suppress emotions in a nanosecond when they arise and then I can act as 'I have no emotions' - meanwhile I push them down into and as my human physical body.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that by fighting my emotions I fight with myself.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I fight myself, I will always lose because no matter what part of me 'wins' - the other part of me always loses therefore I am manifested of and as this polarity manifestation of winning/losing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always want to win.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never want to lose.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that by suppressing emotions I am not moving but standing still.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that suppression is of fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to face myself who I am actually of and as emotions.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that by suppressing emotions into and as my human physical body, I am actually abusing my body.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from emotional discharges when the suppression of emotions is so extreme that my body will not handle it and it may manifest accident, sickness or simply mind-possession.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define that a man can never cry because then he can be perceived as weak.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I suppressed fear from being weak.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define a 'man' as somebody who can never have emotions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my human physical body as weak therefore to overbalance this perception within my mind I've defined myself as somebody who can never allow to show weakness such as emotions.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I separate myself from the emotions what I've accepted to manifest within myself, then I have no directive principle over the emotions.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that by 1+1=2, thought by thought I accumulate energetic charges within and as my mind what I experience and then I define it as who I am instead of realizing that these are the systematic manifestations of myself what I've accepted and allowed to develop, manifest and sustain by continuous participation of self-dishonesties as self-judgments based on memory.

Self corrective statements

Emotions:
When I experience a slight movement inside of me - I let it out, I express, I assist and support myself to bring into reality as momentary expression.
When I experience that I stop - I must realize that I am suppressing, I stopped expressing. I breathe, I let go everything within me, I am here, what is here? I express here!
When I experience emotions come up, I do not judge, I do not fear from being of it, I do not suppress it, I look into me as me and I realize what is it, what is the starting point of it, how I created, why I created and I let go.
When I do not understand something, I do not try to 'think it out', I trust myself as moment.
Physical:
When I am under sunlight, I consider that I am bald, I require hat, I require shade, I require water.
When I experience that I start to be dizzy, I consider to rest, the sun, take water.
When I am with others, I might consider that I can make myself to be too busy to notice what my body can and can not take.
When I am using my camera, I still should consider my human physical body, it's limits, it's requirements.
When I am using my camera, I must be aware that I have the tendency to obsess myself with the recording too much and not realizing the whole HEREness of my body, others.

I will continue writing on crying

2011.08.31 About agreement+status

2011-08-31
My partner is coming back from Siberia - she went out for two weeks, after two days I will go out to the airport to catch her.

It is fascinating to see that I am with someone again. About a couple years before I could freeze my ass on the idea that I 'have' a woman 'again' - but that seemed to be some sort of paranoia - but in fact if I direct and I am self honest - there is nothing wrong with being with a woman, especially if we decided to walk agreement.

Our agreement in a way is 'going' for a while now - however at one point I might say it is not standing - the consistency.
We simply did not decide for infinity - mostly myself but she is also not sure, mostly because of me.

I am still finding a proper job in London since June, it is starting slowly, on Friday I will have a phone-interview.

Why I want to go there to live? Definitely much-much greater salary. With that salary I would be able to support others with less more concerns and my intent to invest into equipment for starting specific projects(film for instance) meet the financial expectations(expensive stuff).

I told her that I could manifest a support environment for her and her kid(3 years) there, but she has her family and her ex(the father) who are supporting her to take care of the child and also the kid likes to be with his father, the friends at kindergarten etc, so she told me that for some years they will remain here. Then I can decide to keep up this while I stay at London with many weekend-visits and we will see.

I was dealing with this point and my want to go is quite strong, not only because of the money but I found more connections and possibilities to work with in London.
If I could get a decent contract, I will go out - I already arranged the place to stay at my ex-living-mate for the beginning until I could not afford my place to rent.

Recently I noticed that I still allow fear to come up regarding to 'making mistakes' what is unacceptable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from making mistake.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from manifesting myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from who I can become if I push myself with no condition.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being too rude if I want to manifest who I am or what I am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being judged by others as too rude and raw because I am doing what I want instead of realizing that I trust myself here.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I am unsure and inconsistent, my partner will be also unsure and inconsistent so it is my responsibility for my side of the agreement to stand firm and unwavering as breath as presence as physical.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that by specific energetic reactions I am allowing myself to be possessed according to definitions of energy perceived within polarities.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I am not the same today, yesterday, tomorrow, then I am of energies of personalities what I must understand, write out, forgive and let go unconditionally.

With my partner I found not that disturbing that she sometimes does her tibetan buddhist practices - it is a great reflection point for me to see who I am regarding to buddhism, and in fact I always am sure about how I see this and this point and within that I am consistent - 'bullshit, self-deception, separation-based flawed conception' - and of course if I would be with her for 20 years and I would still allow it, I might face this more intensely, but at this moment it's a great point to see that when I do 'have' a point what I have issue with - do I stick to the point as facing self or I bring this up as a comfortable pressure point towards her - but in fact it is here many times - about 'okay but you are still participating within spiritual deception anyways' - and I must see this point directly to not get distracted.

The most important point to see that could I walk with her as eternity? I still see condition, and I make this open by this condition: she can and want to start Desteni I Process at a point or not - because if never - then I am not interested. If yes, then I am willing to walk with her.
Also we did not live together but in different apartment - it is in a way tempting - to have more time together - but at times we still face this 'okay, we saw each other enough, for 1-2 days, it's okay if not so' - what we still must push trough and in fact I could find EXTREMELY supportive if I could live with my partner - because then there is no 'way back' to re-build my personality alone by doing stuff what I've defined myself to do as 'alone'. Significant point and I want to live with my partner - but in fact it is not practical with her yet - I could say this will be the 'real' test of our agreement - because if we would move together - that would mean something, but until that we are still approaching to this point. She told me that she also have sometimes this 'freaking out' from being with someone, as she always found to be 'alone' more easy but this is obviously the question of self-honesty.

Is this maybe a some sort of hope? Still hoping in that she could start to apply the tools or not? In fact she does say and write self-forgiveness when nothing else left, but that's not enough.

In a way I am also tempted with many points while I am with her - temptations towards other women, desires were quite an issue before but I was able to realize - I must let this come out and let go and I am sure that some years ago I was able to walk without lost in desires so it the question of time and walk the decision. I am quite satisfied with this point currently but as we agreed to not have sex with other at all simply was the solution. Why did we not start with this? That's hilarious obviously but we are manifested as who we accepted to be and I allowed so much suppressed desires what I found unable to simply release in a day and if I let go and express, some times I face with the fact that if a girl is interested to do some sort of flirting with me and she acts so - I might respond automatically as I'm in the game. Because of self-definition regarding to who I am according to women. That's cool that we face this. She also faces this with many guys approach her and temptation is great but I always was aware of my process will embrace sexual temptations what I must stand through and make the decision all the time to remain self-honest, especially regarding to agreement, as literally keeping my word what we agreed on.
That's cool - that's in fact strengthening.

I am also sure that if my partner would remain with me, later she would experience from first hand, what is desteniiprocess and I do not need to force this as an option but she might 'join' - but for now she is continuing her tibetan practices and that was the most significant point for me to embrace about her.
But my point is to not accumulate uncertainty and hope because by that I manifest hope and by that I do not move unconditionally.

For me it is clear that I want change in my environment - I am leaving my apartman and I did not want a 'new one' in Budapest anymore, I wanted to go already but I still remain in Budapest - as my current contract will end from my designation point to two months, at least 3-4 months I will still remain at least, and for that it is worth to change place, maybe closer to my partner, will see.

What I noticed within my expressions is that somehow calmness comes in - I walk and I notice I am calm - then I 'check' my arms - are strained or I can relax my arms? I start to walk slower and I ENJOY that I am located within this slow, relaxed walk.

I remember, Sunette(AA) told me once that I will be able to remain acting while still relaxing and towards that I reacted with :woooooow, that would be cool indeed.

That time is here, I must push, by this point I realize I do not need to think, I do not need to fear, I do not need to worry, simply I see where is my location, what or who I am and simply trust myself as this point and push and keep acting, expressing, sharing.

I noticed this 'change' within typing as well - I make mistakes much less - I accept the fact that this is the keyboard, I do not need to rush to type, I simply find the comfortable, sustainable velocity within typing wherein I do not make typos all the time, if so, then simply remain within physical relaxation while deleting the typo and typing it in properly.
That's a HUGE experience for me, when I do not need to use anything to 'DO' relaxing, but simply wherein I am - I apply - my face I release from keeping faces up because at the moment I am possessed with specific mind-shit -- let go - relax, breathe, I do not require to smile or make serious face as a robot - I express and express and express.

I also am aware of I have the tendency to not manage time properly by wanting 555 things to be done instead of doing 1-2 properly - still of self-definition and by the time stressing myself with the fact that I am still not 'knowing' how the machine as myself works. Why? Because I still prefer information and knowledge over what is real/here? About who I perceive myself to be? I am here, I am real as physical.

Okay, if one not yet approached agreement, I suggest to try it out - of course after a while facing self it must be constantly expressed, for instance blogging, vlogging, - to be sure that I am not deceiving myself and others and in fact I am walking the change already.

Recently I am writing on paper again - what is in a way cool, but I must PUSH the sharing point, so much I can share - so I must push the blogging, vlogging point more.

Önmegbocsátás: kifejezés

Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy elfogadtam és megengedtem magamnak, hogy féljek felemelni a hangom.

Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy elfogadtam és megengedtem magamnak, hogy attól féljek, hogy ha felemelem a hangom, akkor mások megijednek tőlem és nem fognak szeretni, kedvelni.

Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy elfogadtam és megengedtem magamnak, hogy úgy definiáljam magam, hogy énnekem szükségem van arra, hogy mások szeressenek, kedveljenek.

Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy elfogadtam és megengedtem magamnak, hogy azáltal definiáljam magam, hogy mások mit mondanak rólam, mit gondolnak rólam.

Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy elfogadtam és megengedtem magamnak, hogy féljek attól, hogy amit mondok, az nem lesz megfelelő, mert a múltban emlékszem pár alkalomra, amikor nem voltam képes kifejezni magam és úgy éreztem, úgy definiáltam, hogy jobb lett volna, ha csendben maradtam volna - ahelyett, hogy realizálnám, hogy az a múlt, én ITT vagyok és pillanatban őszintén képes vagyok átölelni a helyzetet és önbizalomban cselekedni.

Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy elfogadtam és megengedtem magamnak, hogy attól féljek, hogy úgy járok, mint régen, amikor megpróbáltam felszólalni és képtelen voltam kifejezni magam.

Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy elfogadtam és megengedtem magamnak, hogy attól féljek, hogy nem vagyok képes verbálisan kifejezni magam, mert úgy definiáltam magam, hogy én nem vagyok jó beszélő.

Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy elfogadtam és megengedtem magamnak "elnémulni" és megfigyelőbe átmenni ahelyett, hogy cselekvő irányítóelvként fejezném ki magam.

Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy elfogadtam és megengedtem magamnak, hogy visszahúzódjak és sodródjak, mert valami nem tetszik, mert éppen amit tapasztalok, mint saját magam valósága, azt úgy definiáltam, hogy túl sok vagy nem tetsző és ezért ki akarok lépni a pillanatból és csak leledzeni, amíg újra nem definiálom a helyzetet úgy, hogy "érdemes részt venni benne".

Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy elfogadtam és megengedtem magamnak, hogy attól félek, hogy ha aktív résztvevője vagyok a valóságnak, akkor a következmények túl intenzívek lesznek és képtelen leszek tovább úgy létezni akként, aki most vagyok, ahelyett, hogy realizálnám, hogy a következmények elől képtelenség elmenekülni, hiszen a következmény is én vagyok egy és egyenlő.

Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy elfogadtam, hogy reménykedjek abban, hogy ha most nem fejezem ki magam, akkor később attól még az lesz amit szeretnék, ahelyett, hogy realizálnám, hogy bármiben bízni, hinni saját magamon kívül itt: illúzió.



Megbocságtom magamnak,hogy elfogadtam és megengedtem magamnak, hogy féljek attól, hogy nem vagyok elég határozott.

Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy elfogadtam és megengedtem magamnak, hogy féljek attól, hogy ha határozott vagyok, mert akkor attól félnék, hogy ez nem-e túl erős másoknak, ahelyett, hogy realizálnám, hogy ha nem is adok esélyt magamnak, csak mert egy félelem valami miatt, akkor igazából az a félelem az, ami meghatároz, lekorlátoz, és azáltal, hogy én így fogadtam el magam - ahelyett, hogy elengedném a félelmet, nem reagálnék rá, s ha a pillanat jön, tudatosan lélegeznék keresztül a helyzeten anélkül, hogy bármi belső reakcióm fellépne, például gondolat, érzés.

Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy elfogadtam és megengedtem magamnak, hogy féljek bármitől is, ahelyett, hogy realizálnám, hogy ez a félelem igazából pusztán információ, amit én úgy definiáltam.

Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy elfogadtam és megengedtem magamnak, hogy féljek attól, hogy nem vagyok egyedül, mert úgy definiáltam magamat, hogy én egyedülálló vagyok.

Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy elfogadtam és megengedtem magamnak, hogy féljek attól, hogy ha nem vagyok már egyedül egész nap, mert úgy definiáltam, hogy nekem szükségem van pár órára egyedül, hogy "magamnak, magammal" lehessek - ahelyett, hogy realizálnám, hogy ez is ön-definíció, azaz valahogy definiálom, hogy ki és mi vagyok és akként fejezem ki magam, de csak akként és úgy, pusztán mert szükségem volt arra, hogy legyen egy pont masgamban, ahol szóról szóra kerek perec ledefiniáltam, hogy ki vagyok, hogy ha esetleg nem tapasztalnám magam, akkor is "tudjam" - ahelyett, hogy realizálnám, a tudás, mint információ, a gyakorlatban teljesen haszontalan.



Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy elfogadtam és megengedtem magamnak, hogy féljek attól, hogy mit fogok mondani, ha kinyitom a szám.

Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy elfogadtam és megengedtem magamnak, hogy féljek attól, hogy nem leszek képes kifejezni magam, ha kinyitom a szám.

Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy elfogadtam és megengedtem magamnak, hogy attól féljek, amit fizikailag nem tapasztalok.

Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy elfogadtam és megengedtem magamnak, hogy féljek, ahelyett, hogy realizálnám, hogy bármitől való félelmem emlékkel és ön-definícióval kapcsolatos.

Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy elfogadtam és megengedtem magamnak, hogy attól féljek, hogy hétköznapi ember legyek, ahelyett, hogy realizálnám, hogy amit definiáltam, hogy hétköznapi ember, igazából jelentéktelen félelmen alapszik, miszerint ha én nem vagyok hétköznapi, akkor máris úgy definiálhatom magam, hogy nem szokványos, nem hétköznapi, különleges - ám valójában ezek csak definíciók, szavak.

Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy elfogadtgam és megengedtem magamnak, hogy úgy definiáljam magam, hogy "én olyan típus vagyok, hogy" - ahelyett, hogy realizálnám, hogy ez ön-definíció, ami a félelem miatt kell, hogy amikor önmagamként önmagamban nem vagyok képes létezni, akkor definiálni kezdem, hogy mi mi, ki-ki.



Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy elfogadtam és megengedtem magamnak, hogy elfelejtem a lélegzetet, ami a valóság.

Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy elfogadtam és megengedtem magamnak, hogy nem realizáltam, hogy ha vágyok valamire vagy valakire, akkor az azért van, mert félek, s félek, hogy nem tapasztalom azt, amiként definiáltam magam.

Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy elfogadtam és megengedtem magamnak, hogy nőkre vágyjak, akikkel szexuálisan kielégítem magam és kielégítem őket, mert úgy definiáltam, hogy én ez leszek, ez vagyok, ahelyett, hogy realizálnám, hogy ezek csak információ-definíciók, s ha azáltal létezem, hogy én hogyan definiáltam magam, az nem valóság.

Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy elfogadtam és megengedtem magamnak, hogy mindenkivel kedves és barátságos akarjak lenni, ahelyett, hogy realizálnám, ez is ön-definíció, ami félelmen alapszik.

Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy elfogadtam és megengedtem magamnak, hogy attól féjek, hogy nem vagyok elég barátságos-kedves.

Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy elfogadtam és megengedtem magamnak, hogy barátságos és kedves akarjak lenni másokkal azért, hogy ők is barátságosak és kedvesek legyenek velem, ahelyett, hogy realizálnám, hogy ez pusztán manipuláció, ha kedvességemnek okot találok.

Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy elfogadtam és megengedtem magamnak, hogy frusztráljam és idegesítsem magam a technikai korlátokon, amikkel szembesülök, ahelyett, hogy ezeket egyszerűen mérlegelném és vagy elfogadnám vagy tennék azért, hogy megszűntessem.

Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy elfogadtam és megengedtem magamnak, hogy attól féljek, hogy nem tudok jó filmet csinálni, csak mert még sosem csináltam.

Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy elfogadtam és megengedtem magamnak, hogy abban bízzak, hogy "majd" később minden jobb lesz csak úgy "magától".

Walking on street within Self-dishonesty since childhood

Walking on the street

I remember, once I read Maite's blog about how she experienced herself walking on street, especially when walking by construction workers.

I noticed some programmed expressions within me as well while walking on street.
I explore this, starting with memories then current experiences.

I noticed that I have a tendency to judge the things and people what I face on street.

When I was a teenager, I remember many times I was like compelled to watch the people's eyes who I walk by when I was walking on the street.

I was like I want to look into the eye - I had no idea why - I suspiced that it's a wolf-thing, like both stare each-eye until one is turned around: the weaker. And I did this to many many many people - at bus stations at shops at market.
I was obsessed with this occupation - the other one could be small, girl, huge, man, did not matter, I was just staring and I did not even blink but stare like a werewolf to get this energetic experience of 'the other pulls away the stare first'.

I was walking to high school when I did this a lot.

In that time mostly I was so energetically charged most of my time, that I do not really remember much of the real physical elements of my surroundings - except when I was in 'waiting' mode for instance for bus and then I was able to watch each detail of the visuals of the trees, people etc.

I also remember how I defined women as sex objects. It's like I have a bunch of categories about how to behave on street with 'abc' - wherein
a = men - as wolf to show that I am the alpha
b = women - as I am the man
c = children - I am the possible best to play with

I remember also that for a while while I was reading Silva's Mental Control, I even did the 'three finger technique' what was about that what I think will influence the outflow - for instance a traffic light how could give a 'green' line when I touch my right ear, lol.

Mostly I've changed my behavior while I was walking by somebody, like stretching my back to look bigger, walk more 'seriously', to share an appear as I am 'somebody'.

Also with girls, I was unable to stare in their eyes, only for moments, I felt shame, extreme shy-ness.
Mostly because what I wanted to do with women(in that state I believed that I want so) and I felt shame, I was afraid that they could see through my wolf-stare and childish behavior. I felt dizzyness, confusion and distraction while I was facing girls, women, except the really old ones who I defined as
not sex-objects.

So mostly these with I was occupied when I was alone on street - and combining these into unrealistic dimensions while I was unaware of my breath where I am as physical anyways.

By years, many from these went gone, but some still can come up, for instance a need for wanting to look into the eye of the people who I walk by on street, stairway, sitewalk, hall etc.

Sometimes still I simply forget for a moment who I am what I am doing, where I am going - or it's more likely like these occupations while walking are 'entertainment' to ensure that I am 'pleased', 'I am occupied', 'I am experiencing'.

By these I've defined myself according to situations, for instance looking into the eye of a woman who I can define as attractive - or even as 'sensual/sexual' by the 'automatic' self-definition projection towards women - especially who I 'do not know' - the 'strangers' who I have no real-life connection, so it's like a free-prey of my mind - at least for a moment, because after I expose this activity for a particular woman - things change - or I do define more the 'subject' of my mind currently, what is of definition, of picture, in this case as : woman;
or I do not want to 'walk in that direction' because I exposed that I am in fact nasty for instance thinking sex about somebody who probably would not like to do so in physical and I do not like really myself when I do this - I like more direct act, if I'd like a woman, better to express it and face and see that is this really practical to me and to her or not? - and probably in this second case the answer is no - but how I can 'know' until I do not try? Knowledge is what I fuck myself with this time.

Even sometimes I turn around to want to see that
-the woman might also turns around and in that case I could define that she might liked me as picture
-I want to see the back-part of her body, particularly: ass to react once more within as self-dishonesty.

About men - there is no outstanding issue - but sometimes - way less than all the case - when about an exceptionally muscular guy walks by - it's like I am a tiny boy again and try to act as a grownup, a hard, serious, physically powerful 'warrior' or 'hunter'.

This is based on physical measure - as they are bigger than me - I've defined them more powerful because the more muscle, the more power the should have by my look according to their image.

This was because I was always thin, I was always white-skinned and girls obviously like boys with muscles, and I felt inferior and balanced it with justifications of 'I am very smart, very fast, I have strong stamina'.

Geez, maan, so many personalities can pop up only by I walk on the fucking street!

Sometimes this child come up what wants to touch all the bars of the fence or when I carefully and barely hit the traffic sign poles to get the specific sound of these and as I walk through, after some meters I can still hear the overtone.

Also I have the tendency to focus on my feet, to feel my feet, to feel how I use the muscles, how I bend the thigh, how the fingers on my feet bend as I hold the weight of my body etc...

Also I like to stare the endless point at the center - as I walk into the unknown undefined, I just walk, I breathe, I release my 'lock on' on the visual and I just 'allow to watch the visuals flow like in a movie' while I walk determined by not focusing anything but on I walk infinity.
And then the temptations come, distractions, for instance somebody walks by, does not matter what type who - I have the tendency to stop this 'infinity focus stare' and look a fast into her/his eye or simply just look down while I pass by this specific one.

And then if I see reaction I can ask -why did I behave like that?

Why I can not just walk and breathe without flying away? What is required to remain here? More details? More focus? More presence? More danger or more anxiety or even more entertainment?

Recently - about 1-2 years - my walk changed - when I walk - I do not like to be disturbed by mind - I walk, I enjoy walk - otherwise what comes up while I walk is my unifinished business with some sort of self-accepted self-dishonesty .
But when I walk more than a minute - I notice thoughts - patterns come up - about 3-4 reoccuring topics, mostly about my things what I have to do and judgments about them, mostly because I am in late with several 'projects'.

Another topic is about how do I change when I am at party for instance on dancefloor with 1000 other.

Also it's different when I am in different type of mass of people for instance at subway station.

However there are common features how I experience 'many people' around me...
How I defined this before: It's like a shield wherein I can be myself, wherein there are so much people that it is not matter if I would not be myself, others might not notice it.

Obviously these are extreme polarities but I want them to be written and then self forgiveness I can write about it to be aware and then stop being a fucking robot while I walk around.

Self forgiveness will come shortly.

Lélegeztesd az egód

Ezt értsd meg: én lélegzek, ÉN, az ÉN, az egó lélegzik - befogod, befogod a pofáját, mint gondolatok, érzések, romantika, befogod lélegezni, az egó lélegzik, csak arra való, kilégzés, jelenlét, belégzés - bármi mozdulat, energia, gondolat, vágy, félelem - csíra - az egó már nem lélegzik - kibaszottul átkúrja a fejed éppen, csak olyan lassú vagy, még nem látod.

Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy elfogadtam és megengedtem magamnak, hogy attól féljek, hogy nem vagyok elég jó a partneremnek.
Megbocsátom maganmnak, hogy elfogadtam és megengedtem magamnak, hogy attól féljek, hogy nem jó velem a szex a partneremnek.
Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy úgy definiáltam magam, hogy félős.
Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy úgy definiáltam magam, hogy társcentrikus.
Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy elfogadtam és megengedtem magamnak, hogy elveszítsem a fejemet bármilyen körülmény esetén.
Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy nem realizáltam, hogy ha elveszítem a fejemet, képtelen vagyok többé figyelembe venni mindenki érdekét, azt tenni, ami mindenkinek hasznos.
Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy elfogadtam és megengedtem magamnak, hogy attól féljek, hogy a párom nem akar engem igazán.
Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy elfogadtam és megengedtem magamnak, hogy féljek attól, hogy a kapcsolat túl intenzív nekem.
Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy nem realizáltam, hogy ha nem akarok a kapcsolatban lenni, akkor saját magam egy olyan arcával nem akarok szembenézni, ahol tudom, hogy sunnyogok és úgy is akarok maradni.
Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy kifogásként használjam a szüleim és a családi körülményem arra, ahogyan éppen viselkedem, ahelyett, hogy realizálnám, hogy csakis saját magamat okolhatom mindazért, aki éppen és ahogyan vagyok.

Trust issues

Trust.

With my partner, we realized that we must agree on words - words what we agree to live by and live as.
We agreed on some words to live by and as - but there are still areas what we not even touched yet we express.

For instance we decided to support ourselves by self-honesty, consistency, stability in which I found we are not real.

What I found very supportive as well is that we agreed on not participating sexually with others unless we would agree on different.
It's like a contract - we sign with self-honesty words what we decide to live as one as equal.

I had the tendency to wander about other women too but in fact I found this confusing not only for myself but for my partner. Still sometimes I do not realize that I do speak or act things as flirting - not really intentionally but it's like directly manifested unconsciously - we agreed on this - yet sometimes I fly away - when I am not here as Breathing Self Presence. Then I am compromised by influences of the mind as I've designed myself.

My partner, told me that she does not really trust me within this because she found that men are opportunists who bend according to situations. I told her that I am really pushing myself to earn this trust as I decided to not play boy with women. At one event something occured with an other girl some months ago and when I told my partner this, in fact she told me that she did very similar with her ex-boyfriend almost at the same time. Then when I told her what happened, she was really furious with me and after some minutes she told the story what she did and then it was quite an equal and we discussed this and we both agreed on not to do so and since then I do not give into such opportunities for compromise myself with situations wherein I could literally give into these kind of temptations. Because we agreed on this and I find very important to do so.

Many times I found people untrustworthy. In fact I always had the issue to trust within others while I was unable to trust myself at situations. But for instance what I do prefer to myself - about that I always trusted myself almost unconditionally. When I faced with alcohol or drugs - at one point I always realized - this is not really good for my body - and I trust my body. That was the first level of my trust. When I feel the pain within the body - I trust in that it is manifested physical pain and it is not cool, I must act in order to stop this physical pain.

When I do say that I prefer not to eat raw onion - I trust my preference. That one I could question already as it is not directly physical - it is the taste of it what I perceive or define as not cool and I act according to that.

Within my process I realized there are situations when I can not trust within my eyes - for instance when seeing shiny and fancy and huge advertisements - or when I was tripping the hell out of me by drugs - I've seen things what I saw but in fact later on I found out that these were not real. What I physically feel, touch is real, within that I can give trust that it is as I experience - however if I bring up any memories, definitions, connotations, associations, feelings, thoughts or any inner reaction according to the physical feel of touch - then I already stepped beyond reality and walking within Mind Realm wherein anything is possible regardless of what is real here.
I also noticed that multiple people has multiple level of multiple trusts.

Myself also, at workplace I trust in my boss about my job, about the project, about the information what he shares - by working with him more than 2 years - I walked with him through lot of shit(problems, solutions) and I trust him in that - however about personal life and personal point of views - I am not sure I could trust in him.

Sometimes people do say to me that I am too naive - mostly about the so called 'friends' who sometimes come and for instance ask some money from me with the promise that soon they will pay it back - and in fact never - I was like if he says so - I mean it's like hollywood shit - I see the close-up of his face with all of the details and he is saying the words "I will give it back next week" - and it is in a way so promising like when I see the movie in the cinema with the actor who says: -"I am going to kill them." - and then he does so.

So it's like I imagine myself within a movie wherein the actors are honest at least - the actors who I am surrounded with - at least they should do as they say so - and if not - then by watching the movie - after some occasions - one can say - this person can not be trusted by his/her words.

At least for me it is like if I give money to someone BECAUSE he said he will give it back - because it's obviously seen within 'my movie' that I am not peeing that fucking money from thin air - I do work for it with "my all precious" time. So. I had to realize I must change within that because I have this trust issue.

When a friend asks for money and then I do not get back that money - I should consider that this particular person is untrustworthy. At least from my point of view. At least from the point of this money borrowing thingy. What I found that with multiple guys - we were in quite open communication relationship, so called friends, but after this money thing went through and I did not see back the money - (it was never HUGE amount, more likely about 20-100 Euros mostly) then after a while we stopped all contact.
Some even came back after about a year and asked again, but most of them 'just somehow' never saw me again.
Also there was one guy, who felt so bad about it that he could not give money to me that he was unable to face me and when after about a year we met - he was just saying that 'I want to give it back, I am just selling some instruments, very soon hopefully I wil be able to pay' - and I told him I do not care about that amount anymore, it's gone, whatever, what about you, how are you? And then he asked my phone number and then I stepped off the tram and I never heard from him.
I trusted him that he could do - but in fact by this trust I lost thousands - what I do not regret - but I must adjust my attitude to this because I am currently focusing on financially stabilize myself and each point is equally important within the simple mathematical equation of 1+1=2.


Also I found that the trust is like the word truth - different for everyone.

Another aspect for instance:
There was a summer when I was with friends about 5-6 years ago when we did basking and juggling on street in Spain - we did smoke a lot and at one point we agreed on not trust in each other - it was not really problem - it was almost like a happy fun to realize that we are so stoned and disoriented and confused and lazy that even when one said 'I've checked the doors of the car, it's locked' - it was not sure because we were untrustworthy.
Even at a point I remember I said: 'I do not even trust myself about these kind of points'.
Yet we had to exist within a so called 'team' - wherein people had activities to do for instance one guy made the juggling stick and one was the driver of the car and I was the one who played with the stuff on street or playing music instruments to demonstrate how great fun is this or attract people with the music for one may buy it and the fourth guy was the one who took the money from the buyers and gave the stuff for them. But of course the roles werent that strict - in a way when we realized we are so fucked up, I started to be more conscious about points what are important because we must be able to exist efficiently otherwise we would end up not selling stuff and not having money.
What I did about points what I've defined as important - for instance to close the door of the car when we sit in to start to go somewhere - then I checked it multiple times regardless of remembering that I did check it or not.
Because at one event we started the car while the door was open - and the policemen stopped the car and said "it's open, you should close it" - and then we did so and started the car again and then an other door of the car was still open and I realized how much we are fucked within our expression.

But in that time somehow we even defined that as 'cool' because the only thing what we cared about is that we push the drug into our head and then we fly around things while our desires(fabricate,sell juggling sticks) must be manifested.
In that time I was not aware of that Trust must be built and earned.


Or an other story:
Recently my partner was in a camp wherein one guy approached her for how about kissing - and then she told the guy that I am with Tala now(the guy knows me), and we agreed on that we do not do these things behind each other - and the guy asked her one more time with reasoning "come on, he will not know it".

Also then when he realized she wont kiss - he told her that he also agreed with a girl who he does sexual things with, that they will not do sex with others without the other knowing - but he sometimes does so as it is referred as 'cheating'.
My partner told him that he should re-discuss with her about this sex thing with his partner and discuss on what both agree to do.

Fascinating. Not personally I am wondering about this guy regardless of he knows me or not - but how human nature operates generally - by using the excuse that 'the other will not know it'.

In fact for me it is more likely an issue of myself first. I must exist with that I did not do what I agreed on with somebody to do. Then, in fact broke my agreement with her while I will imitate that I did not.
But when the other will realize that I did not do according to what we agreed upon, then what will happen?

The city wherein I live as I face with people I noticed that they do not live by principle and agreement- as I did not live by principle before DESTENI as well.

Recently I met with some teenagers, it seems to be that they did not yet develop a stable 'experience' of self - more likely they are faced with expressions from outside and they simply react according to cultural, family and media-influences based on they momentary perception of what is good for them.

Within that starting point humans tend to act based on self-interest - how they are interested on doing things what makes everything great but only for themselves.

A point what I integrate into my momentary decisions is that if I am able to question myself before my action then I ask myself: 'What is best for all?'

By that question I am able to locate myself who I really am - who I am within this current existence.
Because by compromising what is best for all - in fact I am compromising myself.

This is the question of Self-honesty. Am I able to see within myself that my intentions are based on the principle of what is best for all?
Because firstly to realize what is best for all - is to release preconceptions about what is good for me - and by realizing how I became who I am - and why I became who I became - I will be able to start to learn myself. And by learning who I am - I realize - I can change myself.
If I do see this point within Common Sense - then I consider my current location. My current state and my current abilities and investigate what is the current state of the system - and what I can do for what is best for all.

By starting to explore Self here - I realized that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust within delusions - self-definitions what are in fact not real, definitions, memories what I repeat to express physically based on fears, desires what are of my self-interest.

So by common sense - what is best for all - is that I do not trust to delusions.

The HERE within this equation is that I am here - my delusions I still accept - then I start working on this.
I start working to reveal, write, forgive and release and breath trough my delusions.

About delusions I must pronounce that thoughts, feelings, emotions are of delusions - if I act according to these - I am of delusions. Yes, I am aware of that these words have weight - and all of the humanity are currently existing by and as thoughts, feelings, emotions.

Where I live, people mostly have no intent to stop exist as expressed thoughts, feelings, emotions.

People are conscious about they are imperfect - yet everyone has personally developed excuse and justification about why they do not stand up to their Self-dishonesty as one as equal as Self Here.

Why I write about this? Because it is a great reflection point for me - that "Do I judge people because I do not trust them?" - if so - then why I am in fact projecting issues towards them - instead of acting and not accepting what is not best for all.

My location is that I have developed quite a manifested Mind what I am currently existing within and as.
To investigate my delusions - I must apply some precedences as starting point for instance Oneness and Equality.
As principle - I am always existing within and as Oneness and Equality. This is not a subject for argument.
I am always equal what I accept and allow - as I am one with and as who I am - and by this principle - I can start investigating myself as who I am within what I accept and allow here on earth.
This is where the Physical I enjoy - I express myself as physical - there were some time when I preferred not physical but in fact if I consider what is real, what is here - the physical what I align myself to and as.

So the trust issue is what one must directly face and redefine trust. By redefining trust I redefine the relationship with myself and my reality. I trust myself unconditionally.

Actions to do :

-I must not allow to borrow people because of their (or my backchat) manipulation by that 'I am good person'.
-I must not allow myself to compromise my standing by trusting within something what I did not clarify.
-I must not allow myself to work with the act of 'trust' based on hope.
-I must live by what I agreed upon with my partner, not only because of me or of her but as ourselves as principled living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust within my thoughts, feelings, emotions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust within my delusions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust within what is not real.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to trust myself unconditionally.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place worth and value through trust into people, things separated from me instead of realizing that I am here, I trust myself here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mix up hope and trust - instead of realizing that if I hope that my trust worth then my trust is not worthy.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I must build self trust by acts simply by speaking what I do and doing what I speak one and equal.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust in friends unconditionally just because of the self-definition of 'friends trust each other' instead of realizing that by definition noone can be trusted.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust within scriptures and books instead of all ways trusting myself here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself here as breath as inner silence.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust myself as past instead of realizing that the past is not real, only existing as a reflection within my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear trusting within something or somebody because of that I might get disappointed when the trust was not worthy.

I trust myself here. I trust myself as physical here. I am trust.