[JTL 22] Desire and fear regarding to woman part 3 - fear

I am continuing on the suppressed desire based on fear to be aware + to be able to prevent suppression what accumulate into conflict within myself regarding to desire for woman

 

Context:

• [JTL Day 12] Desire and fear regarding to woman and sex intro)
• [JTL 21] Desire and fear regarding to woman part 2 - conflict-avoiding

Self-support: Journey to Life group

• Sunette: exploring Self-intimacy part 1 (video)
• Sunette Spies: Exploring self-intimacy part 2(video)
• When Desires becomes Overwhelming(downloadable audio at EQAFE store)

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from my own self-created mind-construct to face, to see, to realize, to understand, to experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see/understand/realize the reality within the participation of a backchat about someone who I desire after/fear from.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about a woman/a girl that 'she is cute'/'she is nice'/'she is gentle'/'she is funny'/'she is cool'/'she is strong'/'she is 'stable' and not realizing that in a moment I've judged her based on my momentary perception and defined her according to that moment I've perceived her.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed and accepted myself to realize that within judgment about a woman as 'cute'/'nice'/'preferable' at all - I am projecting my self-created image and likeness of desire towards her what I experience lacking within and as myself and a fear comes that 'what I would be' or 'who I would be' in living within this specific fear because of self-judgment of this specific 'lack' of myself what I want to fullfil with this desire after first
-defining a woman as cute
-defining that woman as something I'd like to experience
-defining that this is who I could really enjoy myself.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within thinking about a woman/girl(even old ones I define as girl if she I find attractive) in fact I am unable to experience her directly undefined but I only experience her through my judgments and desires.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when defining somebody as 'nice'/'cute'/'preferable' for being a partner for me - I accumulate the same energetic experience by repetition - over and over and over again.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when I see somebody who I defined as desirable and preferable - each time I face her I judge her about how much she is in fact subject of my desire what I suppress.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with my self-definitions projecting towards women over and over and over again and not realizing that this I compound and energetically charge within and as my human physical body.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that by the simple mathematical equation of 1+1=2 I compound suppressed desire after women until the point it is physically becoming too much and that 'too much-ness' I've defined as a mind-state wherein and when I have to do something with this because now it is unbearable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to deal with desire-based suppression only because it is becoming more- and more energetic, too much.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that I've defined myself according to suppressed fear towards facing consequence of suppressed desire towards what I've defined fearing from not experiencing yet defining myself as required so in order to stop fear from not fulfilling the self-definition who I have myself became within knowledge and information.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to directly touch what is here and see, face, learn, experience the consequence directly.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from touching someone out of the blue because thinking that she would reject me and tell me I am a pervert and then I'd face the consequence of compounding thinking inside directly here as the physical.
I forgive myself that I have not really considered within responsibility what I participate within when I compound desire towards somebody in fact to touch her - and not considering the physical circumstances such as does she has a partner, does she wants to be touched in the moments when I think of that - within common sense for instance she is busy working yet I think only about my interest and that excludes her at all yet I keep repeating the same pattern and not trusting myself here as moment as self-direction but trusting the mind within it's operational programming such as suppressing, compounding and then if nothing happens then later on just changing the subject, the picture - for instance when the specific particular woman is not around anymore - for instance a colleague is gone - then I do not think about it anymore, because I do not see her anymore, and then I do not realize that I've accepted the programming of myself that whenever I see her and I judge her as exciting, arousing, I simply react with excitement, arousing without considering common sense and the physical.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see/understand/realize that in fact I have fear as much as from being rejected, than being accepted and encouraged because then I'd might be simply able to be obsessed with the touching of the woman and then I'd physically manifest this obsession about touching her and then I'd face the physical fact that I am not really fully here within considering all what is here but I am here as manifested consequence of suppressed thinking based on a desire what is in fact based on fear.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see/realize/understand that the very fear I manifest with desire exactly as within the fear of not experiencing such aspects of myself reacted with fear projected towards self-defined images and likenesses of women and then suppressing the simple physical act of touching and judging as inappropriate because the subject of the desire as the woman does not even knows that I'd really like to touch her and then I judge my desire as well as 'what she might react if she would know that I'd want to touch her even at moments when it is common sense that not really supporting for instance when she does have partner or she is busy etc' as inappropriate so I suppress this desire and then it accumulates and then I face the fact when she is not here that the construct is within and as me still influencing me and directing me and then in fact I experience the very thing I feared from: not being able to touch and experience this intimacy within and as myself with an other human being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from facing consequence of rejected by woman because I've defined being rejected by a woman when asking for speaking, going out, touching, enjoying time as avoidable, because I've compounded fear about being rejected by woman because I've defined it as 'I am worthless', 'I am weak', 'I am nothing'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to woman I can 'have access to'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to self-judgments towards women I can manifest physically.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not being able to realize and fulfill myself if I do not have a woman with I can play intimate things and not realizing that the very desire is from the fear from not being able to be intimate with and as myself here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the solution for letting go desire is to letting go fear from not being able to be intimate with and as myself here in every breath and give to myself what really supports me and be direct and open what I see would support me with a woman partner.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and define that I am ugly and not really a real man because some guys at the school when I was kid they judged and said to me that I am weird, thin, white-skinned and not really like a man and then I had reacted with fear and feeling rejected and dis empowered and excluded and that caused me to believe that I am not real and not man and never allowed myself to re-consider that I am physically here, I am self-expression and within absolute self-honesty I can let go and skip manifesting these self-judgments by and as re-aligning myself with and as what is here as the physical within every breath and use common sense that what I fear from is not really here because if it is here I am already within reaction or action so the fear is just a self-dishonesty to not acknowledge that I fear from consequence of not really changing and what I am being busy manifesting and not seeing that within the fear I exactly face the fact that I am not real only facing what is not really me to realize I must let go all what is not physically here as myself.

When and as I think about a woman and judge her as desirable - I see desire as what it is - a childish irresponsible act of momentary instability within and as myself as the mind.

When and as I see that I am thinking about a woman, I breathe, I let go, I immediately apply self-forgiveness, and re-align myself with physical practicality and if I do want to do something physical with somebody, then I must see my current location, meaning do I have partner, what did I agree with my partner, what would be supporting for my partner, what would be supporting for me, what would be supporting for the woman I'd want to touch, and if otherwise, then I'd approach directly and ask if it is common sense, otherwise I breathe, I stop, I change, I move, I do not allow conflict within and as me because in fact thinking and fantasizing about somebody is conflict within self-acceptance what is my responsibility and the consequences within physical are irreversible and inevitable and the best compassion is always prevention so I consider what would be the best outcome for all participant and then I stand within and as principle as life unwavering.

I commit myself to develop constant direct and physical presence by not allowing fears to manifest desires and desires to influence me and direct me at moments when I compound suppressed energies within my self-interest of trying to skip consequence.

[JTL 21] Desire and fear regarding to woman part 2 - conflict-avoiding

Continuing on decomposing automatic self-judgments regarding to relationships
(Context: [JTL Day 12] Desire and fear regarding to woman and sex intro)

I've decided to stop conflicts (not allow) within and as myself - however I start to realize that in a way I've always avoided conflicts to stop so again I am facing a 'conflict-avoiding' tactic within Self-honesty what I used extensively since childhood throughout the years because of differently worded fears for instance:


-not asking a woman directly to come out with me because what if she would reject me? (this post)
-not asking somebody to do a favor for me because what if she/he would reject to do so?(future posts)
-not getting my money back from someone because when I simply asked it back he did not give a fuck so I say it is not worthy for the amount?
-not wanting to step out from a self-accepted relationship(not only sexual but also as a 'friendship', 'a job' or when I've agreed to do something with someone (even regularly) but at this time I do not want or I have more important things to do but I already 'promised'?
-not standing up for myself by raising my voice when people say bullshit because I say it is not worthy to get nervous?
-not selling something with lesser price than I'd want to sell it so I just keep it or gift it?
-not throwing somebody out because I do not really like the way he/she expresses at the place I live for instance not paying for the rent because then I would be 'bad'?
-not telling somebody to stop or go when acting as asshole when abusing me/others verbally because fearing I'd be too rude?
-not going to meet with somebody when I do not really have time or wanting to do that in the moment to not be seen as untrustworthy?
-not taking direction among others because fearing that they would listen me and I would be able to direct and manipulate them within only my own self-interest?

so these are the examples of the same blueprint, let's explore the abdication of self-responsibility!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand up for myself unconditionally because of any knowledge and information within the past I've placed within me as me as 'rules' what by I have not allowed myself to realize I try to avoid to face self-responsibility for what I experience and then how I react because if I allow to not stand up for myself - then there is always a condition wherein I am experiencing myself not standing up for myself BECAUSE of the condition by these self-judgments therefore at intensified self-judgmental energetic reactional moments I can perceive myself as not responsible yet the conflict I remain experiencing.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from directly talk to people how I see situation and my relationship with them because of the fear then they might think that I am evil and selfish because I do not want what they want.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be good towards everybody around me because if apparently everybody thinks that I am good then I must be good regardless of how inside I feel.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never ever realize/see/understand that I am the slave of my relationships with people according to my judgments and perceptions about them and about myself and about the relationships I have with them or the relationships I do not have with them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I have the perception that I must act according to what I define as 'good' meanwhile fearing from in fact being myself I define as 'bad' and projecting that towards others.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within action I am directed through and as relationship I accept and allow between words and energetic reactions to words without ever realizing and seeing myself as the origin as self and questioning the self-abdication of self-accepted automated personality manifestation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from failure and fear from being failed within the eyes of others because I've defined myself according to others and fascinatingly defined other's reaction according to my own reaction towards myself and not realizing that in fact I am always experiencing myself regarding to self-definition.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to come up with the idea that within thinking actually I can simulate and model and virtualize(visualize) situations within I can process through the possibilities according to my fears and worries and then concluding with one outcome actually thinking then that is who I am and that is what I must follow and manifest.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself and the experience of who I am within my mind because of fearing of consequences and fearing from failure and fearing from self-judgment and fearing from the constant experience of self-judgment what I've defined I do not have power over within and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from facing consequences within the action of direct physical act and not allowing myself to make mistakes and directly learn from those undefined, silent, clear.

So let's walk through these one by one for start:

-not asking a woman directly to come out with me because what if she would reject me?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from expressing my sympathy towards a woman unless I have proven that she is interested in me and she sympathizes with me because then probably I'd not need to face rejection because only being open towards those who I think or perceive or judge as they like me.

I forgive myself that I have never considered that why I fear from rejection from a woman who does not show up particular sympathy towards me.

Alright, let's see what is within and as me as the mind:

It's like I fear from my own self-created construct: because I fear that what I build up as self-defined self-obsessed backchat for instance about someone -
as thinking that 'she is cute, she is nice, she is gentle, she is funny, she is cool, she is strong, she is soft, she is stable' etc and by those thoughts in fact I am building an image and likeness of her - but in fact of my perception about her - and then as I build this up - from a point I define this energetic construct within as: 'my interest' is this woman - because I am interested in her - because then I react to her when I am around her because of these sentences of self-definitions of opinions about her around her are being re-activated and by that this self-definition system about her is 'coming alive' and looks like 'it is true and real' according to energetic experiences and self-definition connections within me - and then from a point it is automatic
- it's like when she is around, I just watch her and at points I think - 'wow her face is so cute'. - so I can't really stop it even if I'd just want to in a moment - because it is the accumulation of 1+1=2 and moment by moment I accumulated that affection to a point from where I am being overwhelmed and in fact being directed as my starting point manifested through and as this desire towards her what is in fact just self-judgments projected towards her within the starting point of fear from being direct from the first moment of : 'well, I notice that I found her to be cute' - and then I suppressed it and I did not express that in the moment - fearing from consequence
- for instance going to her and trying to touch her face (lol) because probably as being a stranger to her she would react with 'WTF-ness' and probably next time she would try to avoid me (just ranting here but something like that).
So then I build a personality and a collection of reasons why I should touch her but in fact I should not - yet I still react to and accumulate - and then that's why I do not go towards her directly even after the self-judgments are accumulated - because what if she would reject me and my idea of her being cute therefore I should touch her
- so I just game and pretend that there is no intent to touch her face - yet in fact I'd like to do so - and then if I would try to touch her face(using the same example) - she would reject me and exclude me from her presence - however I'd no directive principle to immediately stop the self-accepted judgments and my habit of participation within defining her as in fact a positive energetic value within - and then I'd face the fact that even I really want 'her' - I can not 'get' - but still the want I'd face within me with the reality of 'no chance' - yet the system what I've accumulated throughout time - I can not directly stop but only I could stop within and as myself step by step.

Okay this example quite entails how I've worked inside when starting to be obsessed with someone and definitely I will continue

meanwhile check out EQAFE relationship support(I am well aware of that some of these are available only for money but Equal Life Foundation consists of and supported by human individuals who are also required for physical support what is not yet unconditional(that's why we support to research and develop Equal Money System) so for food, shelter, internet and in fact 'living' they must pay and considering the enormous self-support these interviews can mean for those who can really listen - for some euros it is very supportive for education on how reality, the human mind and in fact the real practical solutions work - I'd rather spend some of my spare moneys to these interviews than alcohol or cigarettes for instance :)

Check out what is Journey to Life movement, what this blog is part of.

[JTL 20] QUORA: Answer: Why I am one Vote For an Equal Money System

My answer on Quora why 

• I am One Vote for an Equal Money System;
• Why I walk Desteni I Process

Alright, here I share my personal perspective by walking these questions explaining why I am One Vote for an Equal Money System
(this is going to be an answer what Quorans define as 'long', if you want a short answer from me: just because I can and because:

• Give unto others as you would like to receive.
• I'd rather try and do things first than defning it especially this paradigm what never really got a real chance with mathematical perfection within the joke of our so called civilization; so:

Would you say you grew up in a lower-class, middle-class, or upper-class environment?

I've  grown up in a tiny village in Hungary where my family was poor, my  mother worked her ass off in a diary sweatshop and my father was tractor  driver in a centralized collective farm within so called communism.
As  a kid I've watched the family adults go eye for an eye abusing each  other around in the game of bouncing back and forth between  irresponsible(drunk, fight, jail) entertainment and surviving, and us,  kids, sometimes we had to work for instance in garden all day or  scavenging on the cornfields, butchering, feeding or my mother took me  and my sister to the dairy factory standing at the production line for  all day at weekends and the main motivator for my education was my  mother constantly saying that 'You will end up in a similar factory  sweatshop just like I do where I've broken physically and mentally - if  you do not become outstanding within education!'

Did you attend college? Did you have to work your way through? Did your parents or a scholarship pay for some or all of it?
My  mother was paying for my living and and for education I did not have to  pay; the 'communism regime' was already 'over' and smoothly started to  become the privatized government(towards in fact a capitalized corporate  totalitarianism what we can observe today) I even got some dozens of  bucks monthly for up-keeping (because of my social status: mother in  factory, father already died in a drunk accident but he was already off from practical reality by so referred phenomena as alcoholism) yet I really had to  spare my coins to have healthy food sometimes.

So  I was pushed towards becoming qualified as much as I could - first as  bookkeeper and programmer in a specialized high school and after that  I've finished a Bachelor of Science on Programming Mathematics in  University of Debrecen and all I've known about my profession in  practice was what I learned by myself in summer scholarship and within  self-organized groups around the college. My interest was about  programming itself, I always had ability to speak on the machine's language, and I enjoyed to learn artificial intelligence, fuzzy logic and to prepare myself be practical  in the economic system, and for that I've chosen to master  Java&Linux solutions for scientific and corporate($$$!) R&D with edgy  buzzword technologies so within that I've specialized and eventually  finished in 2001.

Being  a pupil did not mean I did not work meanwhile - I had different kind of  occupations to cover my expenses just to give some perspective: having  glimpses of glamorous time at a mineral water bottling factory  production line, for a while I was a car-particle ordering-software  specialist with my own driver to move me around to install and modify  the systems in the county for a local company but these did pay really  the minimum they just could, so I kept focusing on learning and  practicing programming and mathematics skills(beyond screwing myself  with chasing butterflies in my stomach referred as 'love' between two  bloody wild parties at the college).

After  finishing the university I already had no problem finding a decent  programmer job what I've picked up in the biggest Hungarian business  magazine and maybe I was lucky, but I had quite amount of salary  immediately right after getting my diploma.
It  was very weird mind-state: I was able to just go out and buy any food I  wanted to, that seemed like 'freedom' for the first time.

What kind of work have you done?
I  am working currently at an international entertainment/media company as  software engineer for developing internal business process driven  website-development workflow-management systems.

I've  tried many different works and lot's of times I've lost my interest to  be a programmer corporate slave so I've left the country and my  workplaces several times and learned other skills what I enjoyed  extensively: arts and music, traveling and different common eastern and  western mind-trick techniques in order to become a more unified man who  can grasp direct power over himself and his existence.

I've  read an extensive amount of fantasy and sci-fi and 'ancient  scriptures', teachings wherein everything seemed possible and I was  really frustrated because very little I was able to discover from those  on this Earth yet everyone always seemed being obsessed with these  things - divine knowledge, angels&demons, magic and great powers,  space-technology etc what until I've found Desteni, I never really  stopped searching, investigating, looking for. I've extensively  participated within  psychedelics and Buddhism for a while and that  seemed really supporting me until the point of facing the decision of  letting all go and start Living really or I just recklessly die  physically because once one is really putting his/her life on these in all ways - these will always fail. So in 2008
I've found the  Desteni message on Youtube because no matter how much I've tried different starting  points and practicalities - I've never really stopped searching and  looking for a new paradigm.

At  Desteni I've found my first REAL education and the re-alignment as  Life-interest from Self-interest takes time and courage but this is who I  am, this is what I stand for, even when at times I am apparently losing  the big picture, I must walk through all my self-created delusions,  manifested consequences.

So this finding out the truth, the real and eternal life-changing truth of myself was always my work regardless of how I've seemed, but as long as I was looking for the answer outside of myself - I could not find me - and at Desteni the answer was given, more practically: the answer is always here as myself but I must develop Self-intimacy, Self-honesty, I must explore Self-forgiveness to change and let go the self-accepted limitations what I was not even aware of.

I've  tried quite a lot of kind of works, varied from basking on street with  music and juggling to working on fields or being inventory specialist at  establishment-related industries such as airport, justice-department or  even working in art shop, surveying, traveling around, studying  alternative communities and lifestyles; being stage-technician or  photographer, amateur cinematographer, just to mention some...

However  without starting my own business in the system I always ended up  working as software engineer for the big sharks as that was(and still  is) the best "spent time on job"/"getting money for it" ratio.


Have you been involved in starting or managing a business?
Business of Self-perfection with Desteni I Process

So by my own investigation and Self-honest writing (some shared here at The unification of man )  and that entails Desteni - Group of people exploring Equality & Oneness principles and Equal Money System and walking the course at http://Desteniiprocess.com I've found that within spiritual or individualist memes I can not trust  as these are always excluding something what is really here as in fact  Self on Earth and a real principle for the Unification of Man - nothing  in existence should be excluded within absolute Self-honesty - it must  be common sense and always as simple as 1+1=2 towards everything and  everyone just like the Desteni Principle is:

-Equality  and Oneness in all ways I am always equal and one with and what I am  facing, experiencing, desiring for, fearing from etc
-Investigate all things and keep what is best for all
-Be  self-honest and forgive yourself what you have accepted and allowed to  manifest to become aware of your responsibilities and manifested  consequences and dare yourself to stop the layers of self-definitions  and change and explore practical solutions for self and for all as equal  as one as Life within and as the physical.

So  it is obvious that we, as humanity are is severe inequality in terms of physical(required) support for instance and those  who has no money can not even have the opportunity to participate within  the 'goods' of democracy - yet we are all accepting and allowing this  capitalistic system wherein the value is in money, gold, profit and  entertainment what is apparently of free choice and human right but this  is always only promoted and protected by the ones who already have  healthy food, water, shelter, health care and basic education.

Because  without that: one is striving towards surviving as there is no  unconditionally Life-support - a some sort of Maslow's hierarchy of  needs - just don't drink and eat for a week and you can have a free  choice about let's talk about your love connection karma light or let's  drink water and eat something healthy. That's simple.

After  visiting some extremely severed, exploited and poor countries around  the globe, I've realized that if I consider myself as Life, I must stand  up as responsible for those who cannot for themselves because of their  financial status especially for those children who will be born because  by the lack of money they face extreme neglect and have no choice but  fighting and surviving with no rules but what others already keep busy  accepting and allowing without real awareness and that is certainly not  something what one would want for themselves or for their 'own' children  - pre-programming, mass-manipulation and aggressive corporate  brainwashing and in fact we are the building blocks of a system what  apparently promotes freedom what is only available by money, what is  being accumulated at peak points by exploiting the energy of those who  are surviving because have no choice if wanting to stay alive.

As  I've mentioned: I've grown up in so called the boogeyman for the west:  communism - it is the same as current capitalism but with less corporate  aggression and more strong government and within communism 'All animals  are equals but there are some who are more equals.' - just the same as  all others - but Equal Money is not about communism, it is:

• Be excellent to each another.
• Give unto others as you would like to receive.
• "love thy neighbor as thyself"

This  is the eye of the needle - who don't get this - doesn't deserve the  power of equals because will abuse it as others without awareness of responsibility. And isn't the best compassion is prevention?

That's  why practical equality within the economic system (eco no me)- that's why an equal amount of money for all newborn  until we can heal psychologically the generations what are hypnotized by  the competition for surviving through money within a literally  cannibalistic system. And THEN we will see if money still required but  first things first.

As  the current system is not equality within mathematical perfection - as  the matter of fact, we can create perfect machines, computers, software,  weapon systems with math and science but apparently not within the  principle of "give and thou shalt receive"/"love thy neighbor as  thyself" - so at least we should TRY first to perfect the idea of LOVE  in and AS the Physical as well by mathematical perfection because real  compassion is prevention and REAL love should start with feeding  everyone's children without the fear of 'I will be no more special and  would lose that what I apparently own.' What is fear of change, fear of  loss, fear of taking responsibility for what is already here.

No  one should really fear from Equal Money except the multi-billionaries  who are lost in mind-oblivion. And even they shouldn't - they might lose  some numbers within their mind but within mathematically perfected  equality no one should - and and no one will be left behind. 

It  is obvious that by rebelling the current system only the corporations will grow as the  government will support them to suppress the rebel-lions more and more  with stronger and smarter countermeasures in order to keep the system  alive, not the actual living beings participating within it.

Within the current democratic system there is a simple and open way to change everything quite effectively without any abuse:

The One man = One Vote act as 1+1=2 simple mathematical equation.

So  I support, promote Equal Money System and I'd rather walk my lifetime  by at least 'trying to manifest it' before judging it because how could  we already know it's bullshit if we never even tried?

How  ever we keep coming up with ridiculous excuses of self-interest until  we do have money, we do have food, shelter, education, health care,  entertainment - and when one has some tragedy around - then would change  - then would feel it is not fair - but in fact this is what we allow in  a daily basis all around the planet just like playing the mind-game of  'I am not responsible', 'I cannot do anything' - yet with Equal Money  one can really love their own family, their own neighbor and in fact all  fellow human beings simply by distributing the 'goodies' within a  mathematically provable perfectly equalized Life-support system.

So  Desteni I Process is a 'birthing tank' for being educated and  educating others equally about these principles and re-align our  starting point with all life equally as the animals, as nature, as  humanity, as the planet etc and empowering ourselves here within the  current system as Self-direction, Self-will, Self-honesty, the ability  to change by principle of life as well at the same time and nurturing  ourselves and each other with a system (within the current system) what  indeed seems to be the same as the other multilevel marketing schemes -  however there are SERIOUS limitations to make sure one can not really  grow over others but limiting  the number of recruits: "You can recruit a maximum number of 10 people that choose to be Agents.",  because the product is education with real care and one can not really  care to support with this kind of education very much people because it  takes quite an effort - so if one is supporting more in the system then  receives more and can make an income for living - and the money is NOT  going towards some greedy anonymous-role-playing 'hiding in the dark'  directive board billionaires but to all other 'normal foes' who are  taking the necessary steps to educate others just like they've received  the same 'equality' education and as it takes investment, time and  energy one can receive back equally the same investment even multiplied  when supporting multiple ones but the system has the common sense limitation to not support greed only physical practicality.

So for long term that is my business but first I am walking through the course by myself.

(Is this already can be defined as 'promoting my multi-level marketing'? I am not sure - I am not making any profit from it, as I am currently only a 'client' as student but if so, then do as your Quora principles required you to do so :)

And giving an other topic here by myself here as question and answer at the same time as equal as one because it can broad this perspective quite in place:

Perfection

Let us game for a moment:

The word  "perfection" derives from the Latin "perfectio", and "perfect" — from  "perfectus." These expressions in turn come from "perficio" — "to  finish", "to bring to an end." "Perfectio(n)" thus literally means "a  finishing", and "perfect(us)" — "finished", much as in grammatical  parlance ("perfect").

or

To Aristotle, "perfect" meant "complete" ("nothing to add or subtract").

Let's see our manifested perfection a bit more practically:

For instance a B2 stealth bomber costs around $2.1 billion.

I  must say, in it's financial budget(limitation), B2 must be perfect within what it's purpose: bombing the shit out of the given locations  within perfection.

There  are almost perfect computer games or graphics cards(for instance the  currently latest video card called Titan containing 7.1 Billion!  transistors to render stunning 3D graphics), banking/transactional/stock etc manifestations within the current system  what are still evolving but only for and by: money within the interest of  some only.

There  are many human-made perfect systems within the current capitalistic  system yet we still delude ourselves that the life-support system itself can not be  perfectly best for all - I can not accept it and never will!

Also if we would just write down all our observations objectively about the current human system how it works and why it would be obvious: it is perfect within enslavement and limitation and the right to accept abuse!

So  I challenge all 'highly' educated foes all around the globe that if we  can manifest perfect systems within the interest of profit - then at  least we should REALLY PHYSICALLY TRY to investigate within Common Sense  what would mean and require and really entail to manifest perfection  regarding to the Principle as Life within the interest of All.

The last thing I am sharing here is also coming from Desteni education as a new paradigm: (an audio by Bernard Poolman on yt who is not special of course just an other really dedicated(started long ago) 'equality for all' foe enjoying being a spokesman currently - (baker is baking, speaker is speaking)):

Self-Perfection

So that's why I am One Vote for an Equal Money System and that's where I stand firmly in and as existence unconditionally  because we must stand up for all what is here to entail what really  means to be responsible and be able to manifest what is really best for  all - because that entails me too equally.

Alright, it's quite a long article but I've checked out that apparently it is quite alright if one answers on a 'bigger canvas' - so I took my time and here now it is clear who I am and where came from and what I stand for.

Thank you very much for this opportunity to share myself here extensively, the English I use is not my 'first language' so that's why I use the words that simply and making some grammar mistakes but I am sure the message is clear.

Enjoy breath and be excellent to all each other!

This is in fact a step within Journey to Life

[JTL 19] Choice. The problem is choice.

Journey to Life, writing and sharing within self-honesty day 19.

This is supporting as context:

• Locating your own power
• Forcing change with energy vs living
• The design of thoughts

Yesterday I was observing myself how and why I accept myself within inner conflict.

It looks like whenever I am perceiving some sort of choice - I take my time within between the possibilities - I am trying to figure out what would be the best to choose. And that I am processing. And processing. And meanwhile I am making it as a Conventional warfare - the two armies marching up on a hill slowly and then looking at each other for a while and then after some deep sighs - and the battle begins and I am in the middle of it.
Each pros and cons has their own energetic value and on the battlefield what is my mind I diminish because I am busy with giving the space and time for making the apparent best decision.

Yesterday it was a bit different however, because in this specific situation - I want both - I do not want to choose, I want to have it all but it is not possible as I am in fact forced to choose by myself because fearing from consequences. In this current scenario for me to have an easy context: Woman. Relationship. Sex. But first things first:

Remembering from Matrix II:

'Choice. The problem is choice.'

 Literally. The problem is that I perceive any choice within myself - because who I really am is not a choice - if it would be - I could choose something what is not really me. It doesn't work like that. I always and certainly DO or don't DO things regardless of the inner conflict of pros and cons. Regardless of my perception about I do have a choice and that is being decided by my thoughts, feelings, emotions - those are predictable - so even if I am not aware of the starting point and the consequence of participating within 'my' 'internal feedback system' - I must admit: it is still what it is - having these energetic reactions what are like numbers and equations and with my mind I am solving this 'homework' and then I get to a conclusion and then I define myself as 'free' because by those limited and predictable self-created and self-compounded energetic participation within self-dishonesty as a matrix of self-judgments I am doing the same what computers do: compute because here where I stand within my self-created complicated system I can not directly see what I want, what I am, so I use this system within and in fact as me to make the apparent choice by processing all information and meanwhile within the perception of the ability to choose, I feel better - I feel that my 'life' is in my 'hands' and I can decide things by myself.
And the reality is way far from it.
Because I have accepted and allowed myself to separate the definition of myself from what I am here physically, I do have an extra layer between myself and physical reality wherein I can pretend to become knowledge and information and by having a certain way to judge my information(what is also in fact self-definition as knowledge and information) I am clinging on to not make decisions in the moment directly by simply being aware of who I am and what I want and what I do not want - that I've accepted and allowed myself to hide behind layers of regulations, rules, exceptions, judgments, excuses and justifications to simply be able to 'have some time' experiencing myself as apparently I am not directly responsible, I can choose regardless of the exact circumstances and the pre-programmed current state of myself by and as, through and surrounded by thoughts, feelings and emotions, memories, reactions, energetic movements etc.

Alright, I start with this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never question myself when I accept and allow conflict within and as me because this is what was being taught by the family I've grown up physically within, this is who I've defined myself to be when started to mimic, imitate, and that's why I've copied and unquestionably repeated the same pattern throughout my entire life until this point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never ever questioning the participating within thoughts, feelings and emotions because all I've ever known and seen by humans around me is the same so I've judged them and I've judged myself that this is who we are, this is who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if I stop expressing myself even for a moment - I am processing within because all the layers I've accepted and allowed myself to define who I am is so complicated that I can not see through, I can not directly experience myself here and why would I need to split myself and wanting to make the best choice according to my previously accumulated thoughts, feelings and emotions when it is obvious now already that these are conditional, not constant as the physical is and whenever I've followed them instead of directly trusting myself here and even if making a some sort of mistake(meaning judging myself with a more deeply existing layer of self-definition and personality-matrix-rule as 'bad'), simply directly as Self without any separation or seclusion or split - always trusting myself here and keep expressing myself unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've defined interesting and intense to observe battles and wars within the current human systems - yet judging it as 'disgusting' because in fact humans killing humans in the name of self-righteousness and never realizing that in fact I am doing the same within and as my human physical body by participating within thoughts, feelings and emotions by deluding myself with the perception of choice what I make by this invisible energetic warfare as equal as one: what is within is what is with out.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the most practical way to stop battling myself is to write everything down, out and putting all what I 'contain' and represent, perceive and experience by and as words and then I can directly see, realize, experience what actually I am doing in one moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do this self-delusion about apparent choices to actually 'steal some time' for being able to define myself within a secluded and limited mind-container where within I have the self-definition of I am not directly responsible, I can do whatever I want, I can make my own life to happen, I am the director of my life.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to ALWAYS be aware that regardless of what I do or don't do: I am always equally and entirely responsible for what I do or don't do within and as this physical existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually being aware of that I am doing this conflict within myself and step by step preparing myself and accumulating myself to the point of battling and the solution would be not accepting myself as conflict within, but immediately stop, and re-align myself with and as direct physical presence and expression.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see and realize that it is not a choice to give up conflict within me but wherein I've accumulated myself to be to experience myself by the thoughts, feelings, emotions currently - I am not aware of that I am in fact already stopping myself within conflict by becoming aware exactly what I am doing and the reason I do is the energetic reaction within what makes me stressed, anxious and frustrated simply because of the irritation towards myself that I still do not trust myself right here in every moment of every breath.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to trust myself within decision and facing directly the consequences because of the resonant fear from making mistakes and the responsibility what I want to avoid for the consequences because if I would so then I would face that I cannot really accept myself as the way I've accepted and allowed myself to be and then I would have to change, entirely.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from changing because then I do not know what will happen, I do not know what I will do, I can not judge the future myself because that I've never walked actually, physically, and that makes me face the fact that until this point I was unable to really, absolutely, entirely trust myself within and as the moment because of the addiction towards Self-judgments, towards in fact Self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have never ever accepted and allowed myself to trust Self-honesty as myself directly here in every moment of every breath because that can not be judged, can not be predicted, can not 'create a time-space within my mind wherein I can delude myself with the lack of responsibility' and the 'delusion of I can skip facing the consequences for what I've became, what I am doing, what I am not doing' within and as existence.

I forgive myself that I have never actually allowed to forgive myself really, physically, entirely, irreversibly by making the absolute, unwavering, unchanging, consistent decision to stop something within and as myself no matter what about transcendence points I already investigated, researched, assessed, cross-referenced and it is already clear that unless I do not make this 'leap of faith within and myself as eternity as life' - I will run in circles facing the same points again and again and again and the system what I am currently accepting and allowing myself to be (perceived) will compound, accumulate and direct me into circumstances wherein the truth of me will be more and more obvious until I really change.

This I can say 'problem', because within accepting and allowing myself to be as I've just explained - is not what is best for me and it is clearly not what is best for all. So I simply breathe and let myself to re-align myself with the principle of what is best for all within equality and oneness as life regarding to this point as myself as equal as one as existence without any self-judgment, with no else reason or interest but who I really-really am as Life.

When and as I notice that I am walking towards conflict - I stop, I re-align myself with and as myself as moment as breath as human physical body as expression and I realize it is deliberate, it is actually myself accumulating energetic inner reactions by thoughts, feelings and emotions what will conclude and direct me into conflicts within I have to process through myself of layers of Self-accepted Self-dishonesty because within the moment of being lost within Self-judgments I am unable to directly see who I really am and what is best for all.

When and as I realize that I am uncertain about myself or something within myself - I stop, I breathe, I realize it is because I participate within thoughts and feelings and emotions which by I am unable to trust myself in and as moment directly and that is not directly what is the best for all, so I literally stop within, I rel-align myself with and as my human physical body as breathing, as expressing and remain undefined even if it means that I do the 4 count breathing.

When and as I start the 4 count breathing and thoughts arise, I stop to participate, I realize each time I accept and allow a thought within that by accepting and allowing a singular thought, it is accumulating into losing my physical and real presence - and in fact I as myself am accumulating myself into instability, into not practically changing but wanting to change yet not being absolutely and directly and simply practical within stopping myself.

When and as I accept a thought after accepting a previous thought, I realize I am in the pattern again with the justification of 'I am busy' 'I have to work all day', 'I do not have time for investigating and forgiving each singular thought' yet wanting to stop, becoming obsessed with the stopping without actually stopping and then I start to suppress, I start to become less and less aware of what I am actually doing because within the belief that when I am not aware of my thoughts, I am clear, I am real, and then I must write that out, each thought.

When and as I fear from actually taking my 'precious' time for investigating and stopping each singular thought because apparently I have dozens, hundreds, thousands - I realize and become aware without actually forgetting that I can accumulate Self-direction, Self-presence, Self-will and where I am here now experiencing myself is also the accumulation of the single mathematical equation of 1+1=2.

When and as I fear from spending my entire life on investigating singular thought manifestations as apparently I would have thousands of them still participating within - I realize that most of my thoughts are recurring, re-occurring, and there are a handful of original 'sins' what I repeat yet not being aware of it and using it as an excuse that how I could be aware of the starting point of each of my thoughts? Yet I've proven that it is actually possible.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to consider that by fearing from not having time to do the things what I actually do because I would investigate and forgive and re-align myself with singular and connected thought manifestation - in fact I follow a pattern what I am directly aware of that is not really me but at this moment doing automatically without actual self-life-awareness.

When and as I use an excuse for why I do not write down the self-dishonesty I've been participating within my day or in the last day - I realize actually I accumulate two things:
-the self-acceptance within and as physically manifested self-dishonesty
-the accumulation of self-abdication, self-frustration of not standing up for and as myself as life unconditionally.

I commit myself to investigate all thoughts, feelings and emotions what is directing and 'taking the time' to process within any situation by applying self-honesty, writing and using the tools of self-forgiveness, self-corrective statements.

I commit myself to investigate all excuses and justifications why I do not walk through resistances to really change and to really walk into and as direct moments here and remain undefined.

I commit myself to be able to immediately stop any inner reaction regarding to the perception of choice and scripting myself to specific physical circumstances to be able to have a structure and a support temporally for and as myself to remain undefined.

I commit myself to not fearing from remaining undefined as I've proven to myself already several times that the only thing I can trust is my human physical body remaining absolutely and clearly undefined within and as moment as me, breath as me by letting go all thoughts, all feelings and all emotions.

I commit myself to share my realizations about how and why thoughts, feelings and emotions are the poison of humanity regardless of any self-interest and the truth of our manifested consequence of accumulation within such self-dishonesty and the solution is in fact simply, direct, here to absolutely and entirely stop.


(Understand I do not say everyone should just do everything 'in the moment' without consideration of responsibility and consequences - for instance to start building a a mile long bridge without planning, structuring, effective practical pre-production - it is when one is allowing thoughts and feelings and emotions constantly and having uncertainty and the body is stressed and disregarded and the 'oh shit wtf now' experience is here for minutes/hours/days/years --- you know what I mean but if not, then write about it and see it for yourself.)

[JTL 18] Decomposing why defining people according to my interest part 1

Continuing on decomposing my relationships within and as me as self-judgments towards people who with I am automatically react according to how I've judged myself and them in the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the people I am surrounded with because from who I get reflection about me is I allowed myself to define as me from the eye of them and believing that is me and without them I do not see myself as I want to or not want to as polarity system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be with people who are kind to me and never questioning why they are kind in general or with me specifically.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define certain people as avoidable because they judge me in a way what I judge as negative what I do not want to face, what I do not want to be aware of because they keep saying something to me what might be true or what might be right from the perspective of physical reality facts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define people around me as special and unique because this is the way I've judged them at a point and since there never questioning this judgment within and as me what makes me move automatically regarding to the relationship with words about these individuals.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as kind and open with people because the way I've accepted myself to emerge since childhood I've defined myself as introverted and serious and by judging myself with the absolute opposite I think/believe/hope that how I judge myself in the moment is how really I am/I become and not realizing the polarity system as positive and negative and as long as I participate within one edge of the polarity swing - I am always in relationship with the other edge of the polarity and by that I am always conditioned by the original self-judgment projected towards the perceived 'myself' and the perceived 'others' what is not exactly as what I or them actually doing within and as the physical what is the unquestionably measurable fact.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from defining somebody as value or important to me and then not being in contact with the person because my self-definition value system is only becoming alive so to speak when I am in interaction with these self-judged people - or when I am thinking about them regarding to the judgments I've projected towards them within and as my mind apparently as them but in physical I am simply daydreaming what creates a gap between physical facts and my perception and by that the more I participate within the judgment - the more the change I will expect and by that the disappointment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define certain specific people as 'waking up' or 'awakened' or 'enlightened' because their self-interest of seeking after really-really reality and never questioning my self-judgment once I've made it towards them and not realizing that as long as I separate people within and as my from me as equal as one as myself by judgments apparently separated from me - I am responsible for not being able to directly experience them as myself therefore the specific words with I've judged these individuals will determine the nature of the outcome of the physical relationship with them when we meet without me being aware of how this entails and how I've actually created the relationship based on self-judgment projected towards them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define some people around me as funny and then not realizing that in fact my thoughts towards them I've defined as funny and projecting and sealing them with the 'funnyness' because that I've defined required from them and in fact determining the upcoming self-accepted judgments towards them by the inception of my self-dishonesty of defining them somehow according to a self-judgment projected towards them and then accepting this as myself and never ever questioning this anymore except when I make different judgments towards them and then for instance saying 'not funny today' or 'not funny anymore' and then not realizing the polarity within me and then not realizing why and how I automatically react towards them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from myself alone I remain only with my self-judgments towards myself what I've defined as 'negative' and 'not good enough' because how I acted I could not accept without judgments - and by the judgments I've faced myself as the way 'I do not like myself' and therefore I've seeked people who with I could manage to being defined as the opposite - and not realizing that within this polarity system I've carved myself into 'not really changing' because I've defined changing as going into a direction within this polarity system for instance towards positive or negative and as I've started to move within my mind towards the polarities - the self-definition system within and as me started to fall apart because then I could not define myself as I used to and that scared the shit out of me therefore I reacted with fear and in fact I never really changed physically, only within layers of self-judgments and excuses and justifications.

When and as I define somebody as good or bad - negative or positive - or kind or rude - I realize it is a self-reflection within and as me according to my already self-defined personality system of layers of self-definitions within the starting point of not trusting myself physically here as who I am without any thoughts, feelings, emotions - therefore I stop, I breathe, I let go as I participate within any polarity regarding to people.

When and as I participate within judgments towards people - I realize it is a self-judgment-projection what I can understand and explore if I reflect it back to and as myself as who I am as mind consciousness system suppressing physical breathing life.

I commit myself to drop the veil of all personalities because I've realized all those contain as self-judgments - within relationship towards another self-judgments and compartmentalize and seclude my self-accepted automatic reactions within specific physical circumstances.

I commit myself to slow down inside as breathing here as physical presence to be able to realize when and how and why I participate within any self-judgments - towards myself and towards others as well because it is clear that I do self-judgment as self-dishonesty because I could not trust myself eternally unconditionally here.

I commit myself to stop fighting inner reactions, thoughts, because it is the internal feedback system showing me equal and one what I've accepted and allowed myself to become and the solution is not be unattached, not suppressing, not occupying myself but to writing all out and forgiving myself, re-aligning myself and committing myself and re-scripting myself to physically change.

Walk Journey to Life as yourself - physical change is possible within Self-honesty!

[JTL 17] Respecting beliefs is respecting abuse part 1

Walking trough self-accepted delusions regarding the word RESPECT.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into the energetic temptation of arguing with spirituals on that they actually claim that they are assisting and helping all beings with that they try to prove that the physical is originated from infinite time and space of consciousness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is a hope for being able to push buddhists through their beliefs and when I say facts then I'm being told that I am negative and against their actual help for all beings and then I accept myself to lose my physical presence because then I am facing that I've put worth and value and trust within these beings by self-definition in my past and by that self-definition actually I try to fight my aspect of them with who I am as myself here and not realizing that my self-honest walk is here to let go all the self-definitions I still accept and allow within myself regarding to these humans and I realizing that I can not push them through, I do not need to - themselves as Life will sort delusions out, at least at the moment of physical death, so I should focus on remaining practical.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame and judge myself after taking the time to actually try to share common sense with these beings instead of realizing that wherein they are currently, my words actually 'do not get in', therefore after a point it is just a waste of physical time and when I stop I realize that I've missed to walk through some relevant points because in the belief and hope that they can listen to common sense but I've proven for years that can not yet when I define this I face my self-definition and it is irritating me instead of letting go all definitions and don't argue with fools but simply focusing on my walking trough of delusions for instance here the 'connection' and 'relationship' which through I define myself as somebody close to these humans and I need to push them trough.

Life as themselves will sort them out, facing manifested consequences is not always a pleasant way to realize, not even the fastest as it is absolutely not entailing real compassion because not considering all the participants here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry and in the moment not realizing that the anger is coming within me because I still accept these beings within and as me defined as my connection/relationship and fearing from losing them because of my self-interest as I've defined why is 'great' to be with them - and also fearing to face that what I've taken refugee within as the physical and mind relationship with them is not real and when I can not accept the nonsense what they try to ask me to respect - I just can't.

No matter how I try to respect this - I have no respect for any delusion.

And even 'she' told me that - "as I respect you as your point of view, by simply that you should respect me and my opinions." - what I've defined I can't, because I am allowing myself to be influenced and by the acceptance of this becoming irritated from myself about what I accept and allow because I am aware of the responsibility within this and it is obvious that I will face the consequences of my acceptance.

And even last night I had no emotional movement what washed me away - I was calm, here, yet keep saying the words and when we talked about some hundreds of thousands of people for instance at the border of Syria starving to death, she told me that they did this to themselves, even the little kids, and that is cause and effect, now they realize the consequences.
And I told that what consequences a poor child realizes by knowing nothing but getting constant abuse?
And she told me that is cause and effect, and she kept saying cause and effect about a hundreds of times like a mantra 'cause and effect, cause and effect' - and when I simply state this is insane, I am being told, I am negative, I am actually blocking their claimed to be 17 times reincarnated master helping the world and she should not be in my presence because then I am blocking this apparent enormous help and then I've became emotional and then that is my responsibility to stop.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react emotionally when someone is claiming nonsense and I am here clear, calm, able to use common sense and it is obvious that the being is for a moment totally being possessed by consciousness personalities and there is nothing personal in this towards me - I stop, I breathe, I let everything go, I remain inner silent, I do not want anything but I express myself within Self-honesty.

When and as I realize that I am going into argument with complete nonsense, I stop, I breathe, I realign myself with the practical solutions, common sense, self-forgiveness, writing, investigating and sharing.

Because that is the most prominent point that they do not want to share our discussion, their point of view, they do not want to be shared, to do this publicly - and I simply can - I do not support secrets, I do not want secrets, because that is supporting the secret mind, wherein one can remain demon and outside gaming the 'good'.
Let us investigate actually how really buddhist masters making the world better and asking questions what really relevant because one is sure that the current human system is not giving a fuck about 'being proved that consciousness is superior than the physical' - it is enough that consciousness systems direct the physical and that is causing massive harm indeed, cause and effect, and certainly not LIFE.

Life must be equal otherwise it is not life but system of interests.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with anger when someone is saying to me 'respect me and I will respect you, respect my beliefs and that's why I will respect your beliefs so we both can remain within our delusions until the end of times(physical death)'.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I can stop respecting belief systems and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from respecting anything what is not me here as Life - instead of simply focusing myself on respecting myself as Self-honesty always here.
When and as I react with temper towards the word respect - I stop, I realign myself with the respect of all life equal as one as myself as Self-honesty within the physical action.



I commit myself to expose all the delusions what buddhists and enlightenment-obsessed foes participate within and meanwhile claiming that they are doing the best solution in fact they accept and allow harm what is responsibility regardless of their awareness of not - and them and me is not separated only in mind but as long as I am participating separation with them through mind - I have no directive power, therefore:
I commit myself to stop all my inner reactions to spiritual delusions and stop all judgments within me and stopping all self-accepted relationships within me with the words: respect, spiritual, enlightenment, buddha and remain here inner silent and express myself as Breath of Life as it is the best for me and for all.

So I stop this here, and I will continue on self-forgiveness on self-definitions regarding to people and not realizing that I can walk trough the self-created bondage with people who actually make no practical solution and I keep my time on telling them it is nonsense in the interest of wanting to change them because believing that I was there and I've walked through, and if they would listen and trust me - then it would be real prevention of manifesting shitty consequences.

But then I let go my interest - and facing the fear that losing everybody around because not accepting any delusion.

(to be continued)

[JTL 16] Self-responsibility: weed, relationship, energy part 1

Journey to life blog - walking myself into consistency and stability step by step.

This is the continuation of Taking Self-responsibility:

    [JTL] Day 10 - Re-defining Responsibility part 1

From my current Agreement Course Lesson Assignment, I've written this part trough and this should be shared:
http://talamon.blogspot.com/2013/02/jtl-day-11-coming-down-to-earth-from.html
I've stopped alcohol and drugs at least about 5 years ago - as within Self-honesty: it's obviously fucking me in the head and the body and it's in the way of Self-Unification as Life to Really Change the System as Myself as Equal as One within the interest of What is Best for All.

And as I've said with ACID, it is not the weed what has problem or GOOD or BAD - it is my starting point according to weed - and from the perspective of Self-honesty, it does not really matter that the topic is substances, desire or fear - all the same - I've smoked weed for a while and I do not judge that, I do not even fuck myself with the energetic hammering of 'NEVER' - but if I smoke it, it's obvious that I accept myself as self-limitation. So I've simply do not participate.

If my decision is real, then it is not really of circumstances - because then when those change, I face the fact that my decision was not real but of consequence.

Consciousness is really a programmable consequence machine and who tries to originate self from that concept - is lost beyond any measure - here in this blog I walk the re-alignment as LIFE so today let's walk the Physical process of changing starting point from energetic consciousness systematic reactions to actual Birthing as the Living Word as the Breath of Life.

So when I've started to transform my already existing relationship with my partner towards an equal and one Agreement - at points I've accepted and allowed reactions to compound me and I could not handle and I was afraid of failing the agreement and that was quite a reason why I've started to 'bridge' moments when I could not remain within our walk with my partner but then I've re-created a habit of smoking and not really dealing with the starting point with common sense within the consideration of all participants.

So @ times the weed I've smoked, this was an accepted self-definition since quite some time; always with an apparently brilliant excuse and justification - and I am walking trough this within the Desteni I Process : Agreement course and it is assisting and supporting me beyond any measure - but in reality - I must be the DECISION to physically CHANGE and that starts with self-study and self-investigation within Self-honesty.



And by writing Self-forgiveness, I am becoming aware what I actually accept and allow - and taking responsibility, taking directive power as Life, not as self-programmed, self-contained, self-deluded, programmable self-happiness-generator-energy-machine but as considering ALL what is here undefined within common sense. So I stick to the simplest practical solution - walking trough words what I automatically react to within Self-honesty.

What was a tremendous support is this Life Review Interview: The Weed Smoker.

So let's face some self-accepted consequence:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to take drugs when something or everything is too much and instead of investigating with common sense, I want to break through or suppress down or walk away or get high with things what I've defined as getting me high for instance chocolate, coffee, weed or any sugar or eating or arousal or woman can make me energize and activate specific personalities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to depend energy outside of me because then still I am not fully responsible for what I act and how I act but I am being directed and influenced according to circumstances beyond my direction therefore there is always a point where I can project responsibility and not me here being fully self-responsible within allowing myself to transcend drugs once and for all and enjoying being here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from myself here facing me without taking the drug and not wanting to realize that I must change and resonantly fearing from change from losing who I've defined myself to be and that I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see and realize that this is not real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself with defining specific expressions of me only I can access when I take specific drug.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realizing that any reason and justification appears within my head is not real, is of my past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create conflict within me regarding to smoking or not smoking and fearing live my decision regardless of any justification.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define smoking weed is acceptable if I am self-honest and wanting to bridge out the shit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use weed and say it is for painkiller's substitution, because it is a great painkiller.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lie to myself in terms of why I smoke weed when I smoke weed because then I would realize that I suppress, that's why I smoke.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I feel tired and wanting to smoke and then when smoking, feeling not tired anymore: is energy what I've defined myself to be therefore I am dependent on it, I am not the directive principle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that with smoking actually I can make better music.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use making and playing music as a justification for why I smoke weed and not being self-honest with myself in terms of the energetic addiction regarding to weed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from losing the people around me if I would say I do not smoke again so by the stuff I glue myself socially that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I do require to do things for people to accept me instead of myself accepting myself here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use that as a justification for not taking it ever more: because I was able to stop it for 3 years, so anytime I can do it again, instead of living this knowledge in all moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define a reason to smoke as meeting with ex-partner and experiencing conflict and become nervous and anxious about it what I want to suppress because apparently I could not 'resolve'.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that by smoking weed I mistify the relationship I have with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus to weed relationship instead of focusing to self-relationships with myself.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be self-honest in terms of daring to see the real reasons why I smoke weed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must accumulate energy in order to decide something what seems to be difficult instead of questioning any self-definition starting with the word ‘difficulty’.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I’ve decided to smoke weed to feel strange and different.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wanting to have a control in my life in terms of with what I can control myself and my relationship with the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the want and desire towards my ex-partner who with we ended our relationship/agreement-walk.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to acknowledge that I feel failed within my last attempt to manifest an agreement with the partner I wanted to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from facing the facts what with I am responsible for not manifesting an equal and one and supporting and nurturing agreement with ex-partner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that when it is too much with my partner or ex-partner or even future-partner – that when I experience shit, then believing that I cannot stop it but I must suppress it with substances instead of using common sense and the tools to walk through and communicate with my partner within the starting point of absolute-self honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself  to use smoking weed to not face myself but triggering an energetic self-defined state wherein I perceive only part of myself what seems to be calm and peaceful and energetic.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have a self-defined relationship with myself what I’ve defined about who I am but in fact it is a self-defined relationship what I react to as defining as too intense and wanting to suppress to not be able to be aware of myself because then I would be frustrated and then I would change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have a weed-effect aura within I am calm, whole and open and not realizing that within suppressing a part of me – in fact I am not open, in fact I am not calm and not even whole but within the effect of weed I am simply not aware of this so then I can perceive my goal as ‘peace’ meanwhile compounding suppressions what I am sure will exert.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that by smoking weed I suppress more and express less because I do not even see that I do have to speak up and take responsibility because in the moment I am not even aware of the responsibility because in fact in these moments  I want to be defined by the words ‘I do not care’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I’ve defined myself by the action of ‘I do not care’ because without this statement – I felt myself involved, intoxicated with reactions what did not feel comfortable, so wanted to stop but not directly as myself but with energies and energetic manipulation by adding extra energy into and as my mind system by drugs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to superimpose myself and perceiving my world as small and insignificant in the starting point of wanting to seem less responsible for who I am and what I experience and in fact what I actually do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide within me that I want to hide from others and from myself because what I’ve seen when I was looking at myself was not comfortable, but frustrating and I’ve defined myself as uncomfortable and frustrating and not realizing that in fact the act what I do and the thoughts what I’ve participate within generates the energetic experience of being uncomfortable and frustrated.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be untouchable and shielded from myself and from my world what I’ve defined as too intense and I need something to put the edge of reality away.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that by smoking weed I create a mystified experience of myself what within I am in fact not aware of myself therefore not needing to worry and therefore not needing to suppress therefore not needing to face exerting my anger and frustration towards myself about in fact I actually try not to change from where I experience myself uncomfortable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not being self-honest with myself in terms of realizing I’ve craved myself into actions what with I cannot realize the relationship with my mind and human physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from speaking up while being smoked because I might seem clever but in fact I know that anyone can speak anything without the actual Real Living Word.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to take refugee within drugs with what I can experience calmness and peace and confidence and stability and not realizing that I will experience only this when I am being self-defined within the self-defined action of using the drug.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to realize that by smoking weed in fact I am hiding myself behind self-accepted relationships what are of hope and fear and still participating within the casino system by ‘maybe I will get this experience if I win’ and not realizing that by this I abdicate self-trust and compromise my self-honest walk.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel joyful when the weed hits me and experiencing myself inside slowing down.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've defined joy based on and according to circumstances and relationships with other self-definitions and not realizing that I can only experience equality and oneness with the word 'joy' when using definitions separated from me to be able to define me within the relationship of joy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define something as 'great', 'joyful', 'good', 'useful' because when I use it, I have a feeling of good, because of suppressing the things what I bother myself with and by that relief defining joy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define feeling cool when experiencing slow, liquid-like energetic waves/movements within and as my human physical body while the drug hits my mind and experiencing these energies and not realizing that these are thought-system-manifestations moving within and as me and yet not being aware of these and how and why and by that 'suppressed awareness' defining it as cool because then apparently I can focus to other things and not always to 'my issues' what cause me think and react to thinking.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within the word 'unconcerned' there is already a polarity within being concerned and being not concerned and by smoking defining me unconcerned in fact I just make myself FEEL not concerned and by self-definition concerned, I actually want to stop being defined by and as myself how I actually experience myself and wanting to do it with smoking instead of dealing with my issues directly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to like how I experience listening music while being on drugs because then the perception is different and defining myself as this different perception is what I like - I define myself as the drug and not being able to be myself without the drug effecting my 'liking'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted to define sexually stimulated more when doing sex while being on any drug because then the apparent intensity is bigger and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define intensity as good simply as that and not realizing that intensity is also a perception based on opinion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as sexual-pleasure and seeking for sexual-pleasure and doing sexual-pleasure as much as I can without questioning myself simply because defining myself as 'this is who I am'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to becoming fed up with my reasons and justifications about why I smoke weed and then when I do it I see that within self-honesty I do not want to do it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I want to smoke weed because then I can forget myself and within forgetting myself I feel reliefed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about losing my music instruments because then I would have to restart to build my studio what is money and time what about I am extremely limited currently.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress playing and writing music within me when not smoking weed and after a while wanting to make music but not doing it by having reasons and justifications but in fact I simply not make music when I do not smoke because I've defined myself and my musical aspect with weed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to strive for apparently 'high' energetic experiences because then all the possibilities reduce and I become automatic and within that self-automation I focus to reacting to self-definition of 'intensity'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire for great sex with a woman who is really open with me and I find her sexually attractive but only if she would really like me, what I do and who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use suppressed sexual desire and energy to fuel me as mind and defining this as myself and when not having sexual suppressions, desires, wants - I feel myself as 'low' instead of realizing that who I've defined myself to be as energy within my mind as 'high' and when 'low' wanting to enhance myself with energies to get back to 'high'-ness, what simply means regarding thoughts, feelings, emotions more than here physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from anything what is not 'intense enough' to be apparently real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as intensity regarding to circumstances and not as who I am as life, always here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from experiencing something what is too intense, because then I am becoming more automatic that I'd like.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from something being too intense and therefore my reactions as thoughts, feelings, emotions will be also intense and by that intensity, actually I diminish here.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize/see/understand the importance to draw/write out all self-definitions/relationships/connections within and as me regarding to the word intensity.

So - some self-accepted abdication of Self-responsibility is here within constancy and consistency - let's prepare the physical change with Self-correction:

When and as I think of getting weed or even buying it – I realize – this is a timeloop – if I buy the stuff, I will smoke it, and if I buy it – in fact I made the decision to smoke more – and not realizing that if I really not want to smoke then I do not get it – and until I have tendency to get it or somehow just ‘have stuff’ – it is the same – I am living my decision to want to smoke because wanting to hide from myself – and each act I participate in this  – I abdicate self-responsibility.

When and as I feel like I need to smoke in order to any reason – I realize I have the reason and justification from my past what I want to change but until I do not change the relationship within me regarding to self-definitions about doing drugs, smoking weed, getting high – until I am the same – therefore I decide to suppress and then compound and then exert and then feeling ashamed and then becoming frustrated and then again facing the decision to suppress myself again.

When and as I suppress fear from changing – I realize – I have the tendency to smoke weed to bubble myself into a personality what is calm and relaxed and joyful what I’ve defined myself not to be therefore to chemically shift my perception about me – I use chemical substances – and until I participate – I am responsible for postponing my self-expression.

When and as I fear from relationship and acknowledging my responsibility within past relationships – I realize I have tendency to wanting to shift personality with smoking weed instead of slowing down and stopping participate within thoughts, feelings, emotions regarding to how shit I did and how I should not do and how I should do and then still when ‘letting this go’ – wanting just to be relaxed in the moment, in this moment and not wanting to take responsibility for the future as well.

When and as I desire after sex – I realize by smoking weed I only intensify this and then I will have intensified sexual desire – so by smoking I realize I compound more energy to suppress me.

When and as I start to become extremely aroused and losing presence and just wanting to ‘get off’ the energy I realize this energy I compounded and in fact created by being self-dishonest and that self-dishonesty is compounded and the arousal is here for hide myself with a bigger energy from an uncomfortable energetic experience caused by me moment by moment.

When and as I have thoughts about what is the reason to smoke weed – I realize – that reason is of consequence of energetic experience – therefore any reason is self-dishonesty.

When and as I fear from facing myself – I realize by weed I just mistify myself and not stopping even when it is obvious that the best is to stop myself from inside out within one decision with no energy, gently yet brutally just breathe and remain here and observe the mind but not participate.

When and as I experience  emotions and feelings – I realize – it is alright to not suppress these but coming here – what is important is to not follow and react to and wanting to act something regarding to that – rather remain here and breathe, and see how it comes from where ‘it’ wants to go and apply self-forgiveness.

When and as I desire after sex – I see that it is of mind as energy – and then I stop,  and if not – then I do not judge – but decide in one moment – and act accordingly.

When and as I fear from women and fear from facing women – ex or current or future partner – I realize I fear from facing myself what I have the tendency to suppress yet with partner it is coming to surface and not wanting to face and realize myself because then I would have to change and within changing facing the unknown what I’ve defined as fearful and avoidable therefore anytime experiencing change – fear will come and that is predictable, so when I experience fear within stopping, especially fear from unknown, I breathe, I stop, I let go and I realize until I smoke weed, I suppress myself and cannot deal with emotions therefore I stop smoking weed, stop getting weed, accepting weed, wanting to smoke weed, wanting to buy weed, wanting to be in the situation of have a valid reason to smoke weed.

I commit myself to not smoking weed because within smoking I am creating layers within and as me and these layers consist of and entails of my self-accepted self-dishonesty.

I commit myself to remain constantly aware that if I am here as Self-movement and not as reaction to Mind-movement - weed do not effect me.

I commit myself to see all relationships within and as me what wants me to smoke weed and not using the justification to ‘to walk through weed, I need to smoke weed to have the experience of self-dishonesty’ then to realize and by that to stop instead of simply stop by decision and not by manifested consequence.

I commit myself to just decide things without energy and within self-decision – I stand, I walk, I breathe, I act.

I commit myself to stop fearing from myself as relationship with woman and transform my starting point of fear from myself as unknown to self-enjoyment within self-honesty within and as stopping all systems within and as me as Life.

I commit myself to not judge weed because self-judgment is of polarity of positive and negative and remain aware of that either way I participate within defining it according to my self-interest it is the same, meanwhile weed is a plant what has a substance what alters the mind.

I commit myself to stop all relationship within and as me of and as mind consciousness system and birthing myself as Life as the Physical undefined, Self-disciplined, constant, stable, consistent and everything what makes me changing, unstable, inconsistent in terms of self-presence is not really me therefore I let go, unconditionally walk trough, remove completely, entirely.

Related articles:(just some ;)


http://johnathanjourney.blogspot.com/2012/10/day-56-i-am-cool-because-i-smoke-weed.html

http://johnathanjourney.blogspot.com/2012/08/day-21-weed-and-social-circles.html

http://michaelwilliammcdonald.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-247-how-i-stopped-weed-addiction.html

http://johnathanjourney.blogspot.com/2012/08/day-26-weed-and-responsibilities.html

http://johnathanjourney.blogspot.com/2012/08/day-25-stoner-pothead-character.html

http://johnathanjourney.blogspot.com/2012/08/day-24-pipes-and-resin.html

http://johnathanjourney.blogspot.com/2012/08/day-22-weed-and-creativity.html

http://johnathanjourney.blogspot.com/2012/08/day-23-weed-and-creativity-cont.html

Also this is fascinating:

http://desteni.org/a/bruce-lee-marijuana-a-view-less-seen

I suggest to investigate all habits as Jesus said: Investigate all things and keep what is best for all.

I do not ask for asking is this really Jesus speaking - I suggest listen the words what is being spoken and apply for yourself and within Self-honest action one can only see.