downfall is of consciousness

I direct myself here
I breath here I breath in I stand and I breath out
i release all definitions about how and why I am, I am simply here
I release all desires as I already realized that these make me busy in order to fight against the fact that I accept myself as deluded with the idea of separation - therefore to balance that out - I 'invented' this 'inner lean' to deceive myself to be able to 'operate' on a 'normal' level.
Most of my revelations came from energy-based-manipulations - almost all of self-abuse by manipulation of the substance and it's effects on mind.

As I accept some points as separated directive principle within my life - these will direct me instead of me being here directive.
This downfalls what I experience...rarely but surely - are part of a big cycle of energetic compound movement - way more of being simple but at it's core it is - polarity-based systematic self-justifications about me to survice, being entertained and being 'interested' in realization.
But in fact - any 'interest' can be deception - because it is not an interest to be self-honest - because this is who I really am and if I allow myself even for a moment to not be self-honest - than I am revealing that I am not self honest.
I tend to be hard on myself in a way what can be seen as harsh but in fact - there is no such thing as moderate self-honesty - it is here as stable, constant self-expression - or it is conditional and therefore not self-directed, self-willed, it is not real.
The point is to be absolute self honest or to be absolutely self-dishonest?
It is a process, however if I put myself into a construct of an 'imagined' process - that can be easily a good base of self-deception by using it as an excuse for self-justification, for a polarity overweight for the self-interested self-deception.

recon sider

i recon-sider all my shit again

it's like I am directing and then suddenly reacting and I am stopping but like splinters are allowed and by slowly - it compounds and all fall within a moment
and then this robot me acts like a bullsheet and then this time stuff occurs and then again I pick up my head
where was I?
where the fuck I've been since from what???

I forgive myself to allowing myself as dishonest.
I forgive myself to project myself into a system so called process instead of realizing that I am here as moment as breath.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to explore what forgiveness is all about in and as physical.
I forgive myself that I have been hard on myself in order to control me by me as polarity manifestation of delusional separation.
I forgive myself that I have been allowing myself to desire after energetic charge because I allow emotional compound and it is getting too much then I allow it to release on a self-programmed way such as abusing my human physical body with suppressing breath here and being completely not here but within and as thinking dimensions and reacting to my own dishonesties with other dishonesties and becoming a hall of graph within and as the mind consciousness system.
I stand up here and I do not accept myself as recreational thinking instead of being directive here and no matter what - I apply self forgiveness and I apply practical stop and I mean fucking stop.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to direct myself as self-writing but procastinating and allowing such thoughts as 'ok I will probably fall but then probably I will learn from it' - it entails hope and entails self-doubt, self-abdication what must be stopped once and for all.

job #2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to make my actual job because I defined it very robotic.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start to rebel within myself regarding to do my accepted job because I've defined the price what I get for it as small.
I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to define my commitment to my jobs regarding to the amount of money.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I am defining the price for my job as worthy or unworthy regarding to my accepted definitions about quantity of money.
i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not direct myself about my job related to that I've defined it to make the job based on three statement and then I am trying to pull back instead of being absolute self directive and doing it on the way as I want.
I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to being driven by woman who I've defined as beautiful in order to have a hope of having some effort such as presence of them instead of using common sense and being self directive as inner silence and realize how and why I've allowed myself to be like this within my past...


I accepted the job(a big museum's webpage has bugs and requires administration about weekly but in these times it is really much to do) because
-I wanted some extra money more than my actual salary
-I wanted to have a good reference into my CV for being more easy for finding future jobs
-I wanted a job what could be done from outside of the country in order to 'stand on multiple foots financially'
-I found very charming the client-contractor girl.

So by these definitions I've accepted the job and I am doing it since april - but I see at this moment that it is getting too much and with these jobs - I barely have any time when I am not working and I experience a bit exhaustion and also I see it on my human physical body...
The question would be that this exhaustion also would be when I would not doing the second job but doing something different(probably making videos and music or writing)?

Also I see that jobs what are not food for my mind can be judged by me as 'boring' - for instance doing something what does not require constant learning, continous complex abstraction -- these I've defined 'robotic' and therefore I always avoided -- also that's why avoided many kind of jobs - I always needed the heap of obsticles what can be shoveled only by using 'cognitive' act for instance computer programming and solving problems within complex systems...

My main job(not the one what I've mentioned above, but what I do in the office all day) is a typical example: building up a website workflow management system driven by multiple business processes and being served by many webservices what are communicating with file sharing, database, versionhandling and other systems -- and of course being used by a webfronted...
So this guarantees that I can not define it boring...fascinating...
ok but not much writing today because the job part what I want to be done - I finish it tonight no matter what...

And a scripting up for the so called 'future' - I am fixing these errors in some days and then continuing the development of this new feature(what is to give webshop-like program selection,payment section into the webpage and also handling card transfers in a somekind of transaction) and then in the begining of the year giving back this job - no matter the fact that I will get less money - in fact I will already have the reference within my CV what I wanted and maybe it was not a big deal, but anyway then I will have multiple job experiences in web-based payment systems what could be handy in the forthcoming years...
But until that - I am committing myself to the job - regardless of the money - and then being done will be result.

release rely ease for giveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program myself to breath in the 'background' - not realizing that by suppressing the breath - I suppress myself who I am as life.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to explore practical solution by finding excuses to not stand up immediately.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use financial situation as an excuse to not stand up for myself and stopping the inner reactions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted myself as pain.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to for myself according to pain or in order to avoid pain.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define non physical pain within myself within and as the mind by defining myself unbearable or too intense.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that everything is here as me and what I do not direct here as me - I allow separation.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to push myself in every single moment to stop the dishonesty as me.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize the simplicity of the stopping of me as mind consciousness system because not being aware of what is here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use human physical body as a vessel, a machine for my mind as I've allowed myself to define myself as the mind and consciousness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire for sex
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire for sex to have release and satisfaction - instead of exploring how and why I separate myself from these words and their' meanings and also by realizing these meanings and how and why I've defined these in order to 'create' separation within and as me here in the physical.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my systems to a certain degree when these systems are taking over me and then I am being absolutely directed, almost being possessed and then I am slowly realizing that what I am doing is not who I am and I have to stop and then I stop.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the masturbation demon within me and by suppressing it - defining it as energy and then being obsessed to avoid sexual expression and then it simply explodes and I am not here as directive principle for moments while the energetic release is experienced.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program myself to being aroused by pictures and sounds of women or people having sex.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use sexual arousement as an attention divertion from me from here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from experiencing full sexual self expression and then wanting to stop it or wanting to release it -- instead of being here and being self and being expression.
i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being with a woman because then it could happen that she would be obsessed with me or I would be obsessed with her - because in the past I had these experiences - it can only reoccur if I do so.
I forgive myaself that I have allowed myself to escape from me as self expressionb because I've judged myself before I would allowed myself to even experience myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear from being exposed by others as mind system demon - instead of taking self-responsibility and sharing what I've allowed myself to become and assisting and supporting me and others by be the living example of stopping me as mind consciousness system and express life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to divert my attention from me as presence as breath as body expression to specific situations what come by while I am moving within and as 3d physical. For instance meeting with someone or talking with someone - or being specifically busy with something such as making a tea or typing words or commands.

hold, pain

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to strain myself as human physical body.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize how much I stress myself and my human physical body aa one as equal - expressing myself as fear and exposing myself as being hold back because of defining myself by past, by memories.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to express myself as living forgiveness and breath naturally - by holding desires, fears and hopes - instead of realizing that these are of illusion, self-delusion, self-deception. I am here who I am as presence as breath expression.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that what I fear of - I am not standing up as one and equal and stop this polarity manifestation as greater-smaller, more and less powerful etc.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to consider my presence as being naturally here as breath and allow myself to explore what is here as presence.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that my desires after something is the very manifestation of self-abdication and self-doubt - because I desire because I do not experience and I do not experience because I define it separated from me instead of being here as oneness and equality with and as all me.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I am exhausted because I am not here as breath and mostly always was like this but I am becoming aware of how much I am of rigid fear by suppressing the breath of life as me.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize how much I give myself into programs based on impulses from outside and then becoming reactional instead of exploring what I am doing and being self-honest about why and stopping dishonesties such as being attracted to things, beings based on my definitions based on polarity.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that each situation when I experience intense resistance toward to be here as natural breath expression - and when these are what make my breath almost literally freeze - these situations are uncovering my personality manifestation based on fear - so I can realize what and how I am still allowing to fear.
---
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to freeze my breath when I experience physical pain.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from situations whereabout I experienced pain before - and while I am defining a situation as possible painsource: reacting on the same way such as freezing breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold my breath back when I experience pain and then after a while only realizing that breath I am and breath here can assist myself to experience fully the pain and realize why it is here and how I participated with and as self as physical pain.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sweating down when I am experiencing physical pain and holding my breath back because literally petrifying from the intense experience and not being able to move but simply hoping and waiting for the pain's disappear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself less than pain instead of being one and equal as the pain as self and act immediately such as breath expression as physical presence.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope that pain will go simply by doing nothing such as freezing my body and doing nothing and even holding my breath back - instead of acting immediately.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program myself according to avoiding physical pain.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define physical pain as bad because I've define physical pain as uncontrollable, unavoidable, petrifying, blocking, degrading, mutilating, torturing.
I forgive myself that I have not considered to stop me being a mind system even when physical pain is raging within and as me as the physical manifestation of systems within and as my human physical body.
I forgive myself that I have allowed to try to escape from physical pain into and as the mind with thoughts, emotions, feelings - instead of realizing that these are the very cause of the manifestation of the physical pain.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a tendency to start thinking when I have continuous pain - and by accepting the pain, not acting but being petrified physically and escaping int and as mind dimension - by accepting myself as a slave of my pain/mind. I stand up for myself as me as the unification as being here and presence as breath and stopping accepting myself as thought patterns and applying self forgiveness and expressing self honesty as practical solution to explore self-stability as presence as inner silence.

wawawawawawawa

wawawa i say wawawawawa
in ten city
walk as stalk

life cunt dare 2 count the blunt how money grunt
well, trunk that drunk, you skunk!

one or zero
I mean, how to embrace the two when all mean is here all ready as I am you as you are me, escapy ture sure mule male domIno hellbreazer tailless monkslayer identitywalker pain-terrogator surreal holegazer arrogant honeysmeller I-deal modmatrix reap-resent-at-I-on r-explainer wtf?

what fail=safety when nuke war no longer monger any more than well balanced is ten folds how I am not here or I am yes in deed hereby declare by my presence; hail you thief bastard nongamer downplayer sunkflyer

paint

Fascinating to see how this all works

I mean - if I do not express myself naturally as the moment: I am compounding and then I control myself to being directed by energy. Deliberatedly.
I have to be able to direct myself - about upcoming 'impulses'.
I mean - for instance I walk in the forest and something pops up - 'I want to write this thing down' - but I can't! - Because I am in the forest! Then I suppress it or what?
I mean it is common sense that why am I so stupid that in the forest I am willing to write? Did I go into the forest for the need to write down?
I can say - yes - this can be like 'being impulsed' to write - and then later on remember to what I wanted to write...
But in fact - that is not the same.

The point that I am not able to direct myself - ok, I will be directed by the environment - I won't write because I cant - so I won't write. So - I am accepting myself as being directed.
I am accepting that I can not direct myself to shut the fuck up inside of me with those impulses that I should write...
For instance I have the impulse to paint - since months...
I was like
-the thought came - and went instantly - apparently from nowhere to nowhere.
-then I said to someone that maybe I will paint
-and yesterday I found myself to go to store and rebuy colors and now everything for paint is here.

Will I paint?
I could say - I don't know but then can be trappy - everything I've managed in order to paint and then I do not paint?
or another point

am I directing myself to paint or am I being directed to paint?

The main focus was as I wrote in an email to guys that I want to explore how I would paint H.P. Lovecraft horrornovels dimensions with the technics of what I used previously for impressionism landscapes. Am I able to make these things being expressed by directing myself and be one and equal with the color and the brush and the paper?
In fact almost always I painted only when I smoked. I did not smoke since 2 years - and when I was wondered about why I do not paint - the point was that - I do not smoke.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect smoking ganja or hash with painting.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define painting without being smoked is boring.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as unable to being in a state when I can paint in a focus without smoking and then limiting myself to the ganja or hash.
I forgive myself that I lied to myself with the divertion of smoking and painting instead of realizing that I had doubt within myself and I used smoke to suppress and separate this self-dishonesty within myself to control my existence instead of taking self responsibility and realize the core-dishonesty within and as myself and applying self honesty and exploring practical solution to physically change.

breath

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I made myself to get used to stress/hold my jaw strongly when I am not here as natural breath self expression but within and as a past-based fear-programmed personality manifestation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stress my jaw when I am in a situation what I want to control,manipulate with resistance,fight - instead of realizing that I am not here as breath as inner silence but of an influence of past as self-deception.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when I stress and hold my jaw - because I am so fucking busy with the tactic to try to fight against what is already here - that I am not aware of that as more I resist - the subject will remain more - as it is equal and one as me as what I express.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to release my jawstress unconditionally within and as each breath here.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize the thought-emotion-feeling patterns what makes me resist/fight agains myself because of fear of facing myself and what I've accepted and allowed myself to became.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust me here as breath expression as life as all as one as equal because I define self trust as based on memory instead of being here naturally by and as let go of all fear as the practical realization as I am here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire after sex because I've defined sex as a possible way out from problem, as a method to make available the inner silence as breath expression and by that I limited myself into simply a desire after what is not here - after what is not real based on memory what is referring to something what is not here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire after sex for a possible release and solution for my sexual desire after woman and sex and energetic experience of sex and orgasm - instead of realizing the cause, the core and embracing and forgiving what I have accepted and allowed and by understanding the why - I am able to realize the how - about to stop - because it is common sense to stop.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to express myself unconditionally always here regardless to situation, to energy, to beings - as I am here - I am expression as breath as life as all as one as equal within oneness and equality.

By this statement - I am able to see what must be done - what must be released, must be corrected and embraced and stopped - entirelly - without judging or finding a starting point of 'why' - because it is not of the why, it is who I am here as all life.
It is not of an any why - about why I stop the inner dialogues -- I am inner silence - and when I am not - then I am not(here).

What is real? what is here - so if I am not - then I am not real - then I am of deception - what is conditional - so will vanish - in fact who I think to be - will vanish and the I remain as presence as life.

I forgive myself that I deceive myself by wanting to stop some dishonesties but still allowing myself to being directed and eventually not practically changing -- and proving to myself that myself I am not being directed as self as presence but the previously and actually here continously accepted self-definition based on dishonesty as fear as conformity,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being me as who I am - by judging myself according to norms or escalating possible outcomes of other being's responses after my expression -- and then by my desire to control/manipulate other's decision by self-interest---instead of being here directive as who I am and not driven by outside forces only self-directive principle.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself separated from what is outside of my human physical body.
I
I am here as breath as self directive principle as all as one as equal as life.

embrace excite anxciety

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as excited - not realizing that this is of a state of mind - a state of 'highness' and it has price.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be embarrassed and even not being fully aware of what was the cause and then I am of this energetic experience of not pleasant and the focusability has reduced and I am not breathing naturally but I have to push extensively to remain here because I want to go to rest, I want to end this anxious embarrassed hightuned experience...

why it could happen?
I had some thought about Gy as I wrote an email to Bence about what was the situation me with Gy - so then I had some uncontrolled thoughts about this and then I came to home and I pulled out one hard drive of two and suddenly the winXp install worked and I was happy and I shouted some 'xp goes up' and then I realized that I forgot to buy butter and also this kind of energetic tiredness came up and I was very thirsty and hungry at a time - maybe it is exhausting of body experience...
so then I hate some yogurt and a bite of bakery-stuff and then I went out to shop to buy butter and I met two girls at the door and I was holding the door for them and it was loong loong time - about 3-5 seconds but seemed as 50 then I stepped out to the street and I had to say self forgiveness and breath and then entering the shop and then act and buy and pay and then came to home and then I continued to cook pasta and the install of xp and then I write this here.
Hmmm.
I open myself here, this is who I am as breath - I embrace the embarrassment demon and I have no to fear or think or desire as I am here as expression as breath as all as one as equal...

cset anyával

[quote="Martijn"]Looks like some weird reptillian speak to me. :lol:[/quote]
lol Martijn
today I had a chat with my reptilian mother, what I share here for hungarians

(9:22:19 PM) talamon: puszi
(9:22:22 PM) talamon: na hogysmint
(9:23:16 PM) talamon: mindjart ulok a kadba csak tul forro lett varok egy kicsit
(9:28:11 PM) Borbolya: szia
(9:29:12 PM) Borbolya: Gábor holnap lekerül a nyilt osztájra
(9:29:31 PM) Borbolya: kicsit fél
(9:29:32 PM) talamon: ok
(9:29:40 PM) talamon: es vittel neki jegyzetfuzetet irni?
(9:29:44 PM) talamon: mitol fel?
(9:29:51 PM) talamon: sajat magatol fel? mi mastol felne
(9:29:57 PM) talamon: olyan mint egy kisgyerek:)
(9:30:19 PM) Borbolya: vittem neki füzetet írni
(9:31:27 PM) Borbolya: mondtam neki ha hazajön dobja be a kazánba
(9:31:58 PM) talamon: hahaha
(9:31:59 PM) talamon: jo
(9:32:06 PM) talamon: bar en mar ugy irok hogy vallalok mindent
(9:32:22 PM) talamon: mondjuk ez azzal jar ha valaki elolvasna aki ugymond kozel all hozzam - annak lehet rosszul esne
(9:33:29 PM) talamon: pl vol t hogy ugy irtam a gyerekkoromrol hogy pokoli volt mert sok allat meszarlas volt meg mindig suliba kellett jarni meg ilyenek es nekem az neha eleg rossz volt csak elfojtottam - de ha ezt te elolvasnad, lehet rosszul esne, pedig nem szemelyesen neked szol, hanem nekem ott akkor olyan volt -- de most mar nem zavar ha ezt barki tudja, mert ki kellett engednem hogy lassam: butasag mar ezen ragodni:)
(9:34:14 PM) talamon: s ahogy irom - ugy sokkal jobb mint gondolkodni - a gondolkodas nagyon gagyi: egyhangu, mindig ciklikus es sose old meg semmit
(9:34:29 PM) talamon: mert ha irnam a gondolataimat: rajonnek: ugyanazok es mindig ugyanaz a mondanivaloja:)
(9:34:37 PM) talamon: az irassal van valami folyamat benne
(9:35:01 PM) Borbolya: lehet
(9:35:25 PM) talamon: ezert kell a kormanynak is a sok irott szoveg - az stabilizalja a helyzetet
(9:35:37 PM) talamon: a leveltar meg a sok konyv
(9:35:47 PM) talamon: aki szabad akar lenni, irjon sokat oszinten :)
(9:36:37 PM) Borbolya: én voltam szigoru lehet akkor ugy láttttam jonnak
(9:38:08 PM) Borbolya: csak jo akaratbol és szeretetböl cselekedtem
(9:38:25 PM) talamon: csak az a baj - hogy 3 szint van az emberi kfejezesben:
-gondolat/erzelem/erzes
-szo, beszed
-tett
es minda három hat a szemelyes valosagunkra -
(9:38:42 PM) talamon: a második kettovel az a jó, hogy egybol van visszajelzés - a többiek reagálnak rá
(9:38:59 PM) talamon: de az elsore nem - ezért úgy tunik mintha nem lenne következménye - holott ugyanolyan eros mint a szó
(9:39:08 PM) talamon: képzeld el ha minden gondolatodat hallanám mostantól
(9:39:30 PM) talamon: persze, ne hibáztatok senkit - téged is neveltek, nem bánok semmit
(9:39:46 PM) talamon: ha mindenki mindenki gondolatát hallaná - nem lenne ennyi baj
(9:39:52 PM) talamon: mert akkor nem lenne hova "bújni"
(9:40:14 PM) talamon: én ezért szoktatom le magam a gondolkodásról - mert GOND olkodni butaság :)
(9:40:22 PM) talamon: inkább írok meg cselekszek meg kimondom
(9:40:44 PM) talamon: s akár hiszed akár nem, a sok buta gondolat a fejedben - az teszi tönkre az életet
(9:40:58 PM) talamon: nem az hogy nincs pénz meg betegség - az már ennek a következménye.. . .
(9:41:27 PM) talamon: de az a vicces hogy ha valaki gondolkodik - és te éppen nem - akkor ha nézed - akkor látod, hogy o most gondolkodik - és akkor épp nincs is itt
(9:41:35 PM) talamon: simán nekimegy egy fának is ha nem figyel
(9:42:15 PM) Borbolya: ja valahogy igy van
(9:43:16 PM) talamon: végülis szerintem nem biztos hogy nagy baj ha valaki néhanéha gond olkodik - csak nem érdemes - de ha sokat - akkor meg nagy baj van mert akkor hajlamos úgymaradni, akkor is mikor már nincs is a baj - vagy az már más - de a gondolatban még a régit járja - és aztán úgy akar reagálni ..brrr nagy hiba :)
(9:43:24 PM) Borbolya: az én gondolataimat jobb ha nem halja senki:)
(9:43:53 PM) talamon: latod ez itt a hiba
(9:44:00 PM) talamon: mert igy igy maradsz
(9:44:02 PM) talamon: nekem elmondhatod
(9:44:09 PM) talamon: enyemnel nem durvabbak
(9:44:20 PM) talamon: de amig nem is mondod ki addig te sem fogod fel milyen sulyos a helyzet
(9:45:21 PM) Borbolya: még megtartom 1kicsit:)
(9:45:33 PM) talamon: amig meg nem halsz - max addig
(9:45:48 PM) talamon: csak tudd, en nyitott vagyok rajuk, nem perverzio, de az segitene tenyleg
(9:46:02 PM) talamon: mert ha elmondanad - akkor mar erezned hogy milyen butasag ezt igy csinalni
(9:46:12 PM) talamon: a gondolatok is te vagy - meg ha nem is tudod iranyitani oket -
(9:47:50 PM) Borbolya: most nem akarok gondolkodni azért játszom
(9:48:34 PM) Borbolya: mama elment 1edül vagyok
(9:48:34 PM) talamon: jah / de nem tudsz mindig jatszani
(9:48:48 PM) talamon: az alkohol is azert kell - hogy ne kelljen gondolkodni - de az megvar, soot erosodik:)
(9:49:07 PM) talamon: a meditacio is azer nem jo - mert azzal is csak elkerulom, nem szembenezek es megoldom
(9:50:38 PM) talamon: en a vegeig mentem a meditacionak - s a sok regi haver - meg mindig medital
(9:50:40 PM) Borbolya: mést pillanyatnyilag nem tudok megoldani semmit
(9:50:42 PM) talamon: a gyongyos is medital -
(9:50:55 PM) talamon: de nem latjak a veget - csak remenykednek - tudod - ul es varja a sult galambot
(9:51:25 PM) talamon: de te ne legyel ilyen :)
(9:51:34 PM) talamon: mert te erre rajottel, de a tudas a gyakorlat nelkul semmit sem er
(9:51:48 PM) Borbolya: azt én nem csinálom:)
(9:51:57 PM) talamon: es nem azert koptatom az ujjam mert nincs jobb dolgom, hanem mert nekem ez a szeretet - hogy tamogatlak es ne hagyjam hogy bebukd :D
(9:52:14 PM) talamon: van par jo pelda a csaladban es sosem keso eszhez terni csak akarni kell - de nem harcolni hanem megnyi'lni
(9:52:55 PM) talamon: most szaladok mert kihul a furdovizem :) puszi
(9:53:17 PM) Borbolya: oké pusz

dayto

This day as to day but not to die.


Morning rush for dentist - 2 different doctor, at 8:15 and 10:45 - both gives painkiller syringe into mouth - ironic but pains for a moment a HUGE and then it is numb for half day - left and right both are fucked - since third week I go - and today I was like this is getting too much - but what to do but breath - interesting -- no it's deep fascinating to observer myself within this so defined 'unpleasant' situation - how I tend to escape and what specific illusion I pull onto and as myself to not be HERE?

Chestburn - when breath I suppress - or mechanically trying to manipulate as a robot - I feel twisting limitation from inside - and then I breathe - as I grab the rope when I already fall 00010010010011

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breath naturally when somebody-s face is too close and I define it would not be ethic to breath out onto his/her face...

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to unconditionally push myself trough this self-delusion - by simply realizing that I am here and I am breath - and if I suppress breath - I suppress myself.

It can happen at workplace, at dentist when he was deep inside in my mouth and it is cool to face with this - several times came to surface within myself but I never expressed out - cool.
I am pushing myself trough this

When I am with a girl for instance - with Gy - I was observing that this 'issue' does not comes up - she did not tell that my breath would be disturbing - in fact why it would be? So it is a fear from an illusion what I carried since childhood.

Because there were for instance occasions when I felt somebody's breath was stinky - was drunk or after a womit or cigarette or simply was unpleasant for me in that moment - and I definet and then I defined myself also...
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to use other's presence as an excuse to not breath naturally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to freeze my breath - as myself when I experience pain and apparently I can not do anything to stop it.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breath naturally when somebody's face is too close and I defined this as it would not be ethic to breath out onto his/her face...
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even consider ethics instead of trusting me here as breath without any idea or knowledge.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to unconditionally push myself trough this self-delusion - by simply realizing that I am here and I am breath - and if I suppress breath - I suppress myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to freeze my breath - as myself when I experience pain and apparently I can not do anything to stop it.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize what the chestburn would mean - because I am not here.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I suppress the breath as me and I try to manipulate the breath in order to experience specific energetic experiences - to avoid direct experience of what is here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse life by suppressing the breath of me as life.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the pain here is the consequence of my acceptance and allowance - so instead of suppressing it ad escaping from the experience - would be assisting to open myself up and realize what is what I did not realize.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope - even for those what people usually take granted - such as what they paid for or what they already possess - instead of realizing that I am here as expression within and as this body as one as equal as all.

demons as deMans

When I was a kid - at one point I experienced my family as a bunch of demons - I was confused - and I had to assist them in various acts such as slaughtering animals and learning to fear, to be angry, to suppress emotions and live by the laws of them and the society in order to survive. Such as hellish years I had - however by decades - I felt, myself also became a demon - as I've locked myself into and as a bubble of self-interest and played with the delusion of self-awareness - to define and determine who I must be, how I must be - according to my initial 'programming' by my family -- not really considering others but myself at first...
As years passed - I experienced the self-image can easily be shattered or exploded for specific moments when I had huge releases of these self-determined point of views according to my fears, illusions, desires, anger, transformed depression etc...
Then I started to wonder how to live? How to love? What is real, what is here? Within specific circumstances - I realized that the silence of the mind can be stabilized with some physical acts - such as psychedelic drugs, zen meditation or trance-dance -- however these were strongly conditional and I was not able to remain inner silent - I was aware of that not myself have the lack of will to do so -- but the starting point of myself was not me as life as breath - but some fancy idea from other (and already dead) people.
I was always fighting against this inner dialogues - I was fighting against my thoughts - I became a master of suppressing these, but absolutely I never could destroy or vanish these specific fear-based expressions within myself. Attention-divertion and suppression made me being directed from outside and when all my inner shit was copounded to a certain extent - it always hit back me intensely.

So I fell - and then I hit the bottom and then I restarted this trial for the goal of inner peace and then I fell big - meanwhile I was in a loose contact with the remainings of my family - and most of them became already ruined by their so called 'life', by their delusions about themselves...
I started to realize what is to be human - as I started to assume that I am lieing to myself - I became quite paranoid and sceptic - I can say - this stoicism I pushed more and more and I've realized that the most important leak is that I can not trust within myself because it looks like everything is of delusion.

When I was introduced to self-forgiveness - what is being strongly suggested for all by desteni.co.za, I was like 'I want this, I do not know how to forgive, but I want - I want to forgive myself all'.

I had to realize that all my ideas about demons, humans were illusions -- a demon is not a bloody, evil entity what ruins around because it has nothing else to do -- more likely it's a being apparently lost within and as consciousness systems -- being possessed with some self-projected ideas about themselves, about the world...

When a human is being stuck with a point within it's head - it can be an emotion, a thought or a feeling - and it is always influencing, directing the being's point of view/act/expression -- that being can be referred as demon.

Practically all humans are like this -- demons - the deManized beings are behaving like programmed entities and doing their very predictable limited movements all around the planet. They are incapable of being aware of what is really happening here - because of the strongly possessed precious self-image they keep up with the continous participation of self-dishonesty such as thoughts, emotions, feelings -- and by these - they are not different than organic robots -- even with the fact that the life essence they carry - it is suppressed, so only with enormous loss and pain can be broken the self-created shield -- what is here to protect themselves from the truth - that they are not living.
That's why humans can easily be directed - by their 'own' dishonesty - and oneness and equality always prevails - it is specific - as above so below...

With writing - and self-honesty -- I had to realize - I've became a demon - or more likely - I have developed several personalities what can be called as demons - and when I am not here as breath as inner silence as self as expression without any idea from consciousness -- I am a demonic expression...

It is an irony that within the computer world, there are demons as well - within linux and unix operating systems - there are demons what are doing their job - for instance demons are sending the mails, etc.

The solution for the inner silence is not to suppress, divert or destroy the inner movements such as thoughts, feelings, emotions - but to open myself and see it's core, how I am accepting myself as this literal 'whole-moment-shattering' expressions what are in fact - 'in-press I on'-s...
And realize - how I am responsible for this and why I allowed this to happen and then I can ask the question for myself that:
-Am I willing to change right here or I lie to myself again?

Self forgiveness can be a good self-reflection point - to see - am I really changing or I am only playing with the idea of changing myself from deMan to Man.

With writing for instance - I am expressing myself as words - as one as equal - and when I realize the self-dishonesty - I apply the forgiveness for releasing that obsession with that specific idea of myself -- and slowly but surely I release these demonic preferences such as fear, anger etc...

Daring to step without fear, taking the breath without attempting to leave the physical within my head - I am here. And being able to open myself to realize what demonic expression I accept and allow -- and by forgiving - I am able to explore practical solution to stop this madness - and I LIVE myself and embracing all dishonesties... Unnecessary to be limited by fear - so facing with demons equals facing with myself - and assisting myself as the demon as one as equal - and stand.

Schism

ok

ok I went to the train station and I met with Gy - I was not sure about she is coming with that train at 10:18 but 50% was reasonable. I like the train station - it has this huge space where the reverb and echoes are infinitely smooth - this analogue effect what I always look after within software effects and never find...
So I met with her and I told her that I was coming to put the dot onto the i.
She told me that she was thinking about call me several times while the train was coming into Budapest but then she did not call me. However she was happy to see me but I felt that is not really the case - ok it was like that but something was pulling her... I was like - ok I have to move, I have to continously push myself to being directive so I spoke up.
I was explaining to her what agreement we could form if we want - and she was telling that she does not want relationship. I had to correct this as I do not want relationship and why I do not want, and then she said she does not want anybody to be with at all. Then I asked her about why she did not consider to meet me at the end of the week and then she told me that she was kissing with an other boy and then she did not wanted to meet me to having faced with this confusion within her or being embarrassed. Then I told her that then all decided, let's get this over and then it's all right. And also she told me that she does not want to kiss with that guy but in fact with me as well - and I felt like that's it - I have to express - so I told that we could assist each other really and then she told me that she is already being assisted by me and it is all right, and to be 'friends' and I told her that for me means nothing, either I want absolutely nothing if everything can not be done.
So this point came upon and we walked and spoke this over and over and then also I asked why she does not want to be with me and she told me maybe then she would want to be with me more and more but she wants to be focussed on what she wants, as degreework, job, meditation, friends etc.
I told her that something bothered me and I did not tell her that I experienced that she is living in a bubble and not facing with the world, for long time I asked her to watch earthlings, those videos and consider things, but she always said that she has no time for this, but she wants it - and I told her that she is the time - she is creating for what she wants...
So this was the point we reached her door, and I told her then I would not see her for a while because this would be shitty for me, and I have to be self-honest - so that friendship what would mean to meet once in two weeks - this is not what I can be in really - so I rather not do this, so then we exposed ourselves - and then we kissed a big loong deep and then I told her that it is very cool to sleep with her and she told me also that she enjoys to sleep with me as well - and then she went in and I walked away.
Moments later I deleted her number from my phone - and then she called me as she has a basket what is at my place and she wants that and she said that she agrees with me to not meet now. I agreed and the conversation was over.

Points were revealed - I was desiring to have sex with her - probably because she is so fascinatingly seriously similar with me from a point - like I was around 5 years ago - however she looked like somebody who could be self-expressive if she wants...
Anyways - this was like closing down an era within me and I am grateful that I trust me and I was able to open myself up even with the possibility to being 'rejected'.
I was fearing from being rejected since elementary school - and I had this huge trouble with facing this - directly, what could touch each part of me, that 'no, this wont happen' - like hitting with an axe onto my forehead - painful but makes me really-really sober within a glimpse of millisecond.

So I am here - what I am here? I am here as breath.
I breath - I breathe I breath and I breath.
Letting go of fear of being rejected - already done - fear from being exposed that I am a human - fearing from being vulnerable - done - fear from being opened to a certain point where I can be who I am - or what I became - to bring this up to realize.
The pointer finger of my right hand is itchy - self direction I am.
Self direction I am.
Self direction I am. and of couse - Self direction I am.
I was also able to smiling, and not being this hard, really serious-faced motherkiller tuned when we talked - ok I was not laughing and smiling but this was not the situation to do so - so it was ok.

It is assiting to go trough the Veno-self forgiveness: relationship again - to be ensured and see what points I am facing and why and how and what to do.

That thing that I had many plans with this girl - she is so capable of many things - but without changing - meaningless waste of time -- but without oneness and equality -- it is a delusional self-deception.
As that I see this like that - I am having trouble to see this trough - so let's stop this girl thing for a moment and will se how and who I am within this situation.
Anyways much things I can do --

the word list on hungarian and self forgiveness -- also the word-purifier - I really should continue to do!!!
I direct myself to take time to write hungarian words to dissolve definitions
I direct myself to take time to use word-purifier to be aware of associations to release them by applying self forgiveness.
I direct myself to do my second job as three points remained from the bug list and I want to do those to be able to move onto the next one.
Also I direct myself to work more precisely at my first workplace - and not being possessed with that - but when it is time - going to home and not being upset about spending too much time at there.
Also to have this 2 things: the music DAW and the camera - first one to make music - and second to learn being film photographer and maybe doing vlog again.
It is done
I am here
I am greatful of Gy and I am greatful that I am not deceptive and I am here and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even consider to influence her mind to want me - I did not do that - this intent is really powerful and I am not even able to realize how much my self will can influence the whole existence - but for what? for having this girl - even when I considered her some kind of compatible with me -- I am not doing this..

This darkness I spoke today with Cica - she felt with Spoon and I realized that this is when somebody is experiencing something deep within - and because of being with the other - of course she bound this event to Spoon - but in fact she had this within and as herself.
And also I told her that this is all right, all polarities are of the mind and we have to embrace all and not only the light and love definitions to follow - and I told her Gy told this to me once as well - but within the darkness - the real self can be experienced - the darkness is the real - the light is the deception - from a perspective - but not of the definitions of mind --
Anyways - I bound this darkness with the reall strong will or intent -- when I have this - I really-really want something - this can overcome and I feel like I have this power to get what I want - but this would make me blind and iron-like - and this I do not want - however I will have to continue to explore this as this is who I am - and Embracing myself as presence - has to come to awareness as well...

thanks, enjoy, bye

- any response?

self direction as breath

Here today I recon-tinue the day by day blogging.
What happened since ten days - I was exploring how to be natural expression without concepts.
These concepts - I built up previously and when I push myself - I can step trough/over these - sometimes not instanteniously, but with a discipline stand - and it still falls -- falls from a perspective that I allow myself to define, I allow myself to

first of all
--listen/take care/consider/obey that what I am experiencing inside of me - and not within the body -- thoughts, feelings, emotions.
it is fascinating to explore how there are situations when I am immediately aware of that I am suppressing/deceiving myself -- and there are points where I am still not even aware that I am of self-dishonesty.
For instance -- when I allow myself to wonder about a woman -- it is obvious that I am projecting and allowing myself to desire and define what I see and by definition - I react.

But when I am speaking up to somebody -- today it happened when I was speaking to my exgirlfriend - and I was expressing myself about what would mean to take self responsibility -- and then I realised that other 2 beings are listening around me and then it was not obvious that this influenced me -- and after some sentences - I did not give attention to this 'fact' - as it would not be different -- but the deception was not obvious at first -- that @I was considering about how or whom I speak@ - because I accepted and allowed myself to define myself and my speak according to whom I speak - instead of being here and constantly me - regardless of whom...

But as I considered this for a moment - it may come reality - but in fact - didnt - so self forgiveness is required to be ensured that this point is clear and make me aware that next time I will be 'seamless' - and trusting myself that when I speak - I speak as to the whole existence as myself as one as equal. Sounds great, but practically how to apply?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider who I must be according to whom I speak.

It should not mean of course that I would say the same to everyone -- but not to fly away when I realize - many listen to me.
Self judgement can occur when I react as - ' ok - to speak is easy - to live ! it's a different story!' - it is separation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself about I am speaking - instead of realizing that when I am speaking the words as one as equal - the speak is act, the speak is self-expression, the speak is life as all as one as equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the quantity of beings are listening to me - instead of realizing that regardless the number of beings - I am here.

As I previously judged teachers, gurus etc as they are speaking to many beings - and I was defined the 'wise' or 'great' bullshit about these, because there are many-many humans who are intending to listen these people to speak.
The desire arised to speak to many beings? Not speficially, but sometimes yes - because to tell them what I explored, to share who I am, to share what I realized - to see it is real. to see, that am I able to speak of what I experienced - or it is something what I can not express?
In the past there were numberless(hundreds) of experiences what I could not describe well before - and this a bit made me invalidating these - because if I can not put these into words - than how can I be sure that it was real? What 'worthy' was to have these if I am not able to share, if I am not able to bring here?

This 'worth' can be also a trap - what worth? If something I can not speak up, or I rather define it unworthy - then what? I can not deny any moment or prioritize by anything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to worth.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define moments according to worth.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to put into words every experience what I defined as 'intense'.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that any moment is the same intensity as I am here as the awareness of life or not.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define worthy as intense.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define worthy as profound, mystic.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to describe and define any experience I have - instead of being here and not 'stepping back' or 'looking back' in order to define to be able to define 'another looking backs'.
Because as I do it - a wave occurs within the water - the surface breaks - and it is waving and influences the whole existence! And as I define again - another wave - and wave after wave after wave - I am waving - and nothing else remains but waves of myself - instead of experiencing what is actually here.

---
Breath - morning - thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself in the morning as thoughts.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to wake up in the morning as me as moment as me as breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think when I wake up - instead of immediately stop and stand up and act and be here within and as the physical.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about specific points in order to 'get energetized' to be able to start up as mind consciousness system -- instead of being here as moment as breath as expression without any inner reaction.

This came when I was kid and I was planning the day - when the hardeness I experienced - to move to school early - to be there and to be able to direct myself - but it was not a direct self-direction -- it was indirect and by thoughts and energy - I was merely listening to an idealistic myself what I built up to be able to deceive myself about who I am and what to do and what is this world.
Because of fear, because of fear of failure, because of fear of rejection, because of fear of pain, because fear of horror etc.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from what I experience or I could experience. Instead of realizing that I experience here - is the consequences of my past deeds, words, thoughts. And if I do not change - these will intensify.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to compute all possible probabilities/variables before I act - to be able to be as a computer what plays chess - - instead of realizing that this is always limited - because it is limited to my perception of the past.

I have to scratch my belly in these days - strange - I can even laugh when I see that I am scratching myself at a bit downer than my bellybutton and mostly on the right side.
Maybe bugbite. Whatever.

I was within the hope of directing something to be done - and I was hoping in others as I have to ask others to make a paper filled with specific datas in order to get a software on half price. And I was hoping that Gy will help but one month passed and she asked also others and they did not do that.
I asked her to offer them around 20 euros but she laughed. Then myself asked others to do so, because I need this more and more to be able to do what I want - according to music.

With Gy - the desire after her really reduced - as I spoke with her and also I had to realize that this was too much how I wanted her -- since then - we met once - it was big fun and great kisses and of course not more.
My exgirlfriend and other people who refer me as friend - are having fun with me when they realize that 'tala still did not fucked with her' - and then I was able to see what this would mean to me.

I mean - the mean of man - hehe

Spoon told me that when he sleeps with a girl, something must happen and I laughed on that, that would be so seriously rigid - but then I came to the understanding why he would be like that.
I never was - I slept with many girls before without even touching them.
Of course many times I experienced that the girls were kind of opened but I was like - if something happens by itself - then let it be but of course rarely happened...
This was like most of the girls are behaving - waiting for the good instead of being self-directive.
Hmm and then with Gy - she obviously did not want to have literal sex with me when we slept together - but in fact I even did not try -- because the 'optimal' would be that both of us are on the same starting point of exploring and expressing without anything.
But when I was playing with her - she was teased, she liked it - but from above - from her head - the statement came icely cold - NO.
So I was like - ok, then if it's like - then no - how would be the whole thing with this kind of attitude? But then the question comes that why I want to have sex with her - even with this situation?
Somehow I still have the hope that with sex maybe she would reconsider to be with me within an agreement - or not directly in an agreement - but within something what can be changed to an angreement - or simply we would expose ourselves and assisting ourselves and each other until it lasts.
So this desire I have to purify as this is kind of manipulation - why and how I want her for what?
I did not see her since one week and she is having big time trouble dealing with time - she is always running of time - cant do her tasks, and having no time for she would like - so rarely we meet -- and I offered her much-much things to do together and she always looks like she is really interested - but very rarely happens something.
The expectation I had to dissolve intensely about her - yet when we met - we were having time as a couple - for some hours and then good bye.
So it was weird - she dealt with me as she even told me - that it is so intense to be with me that it takes the whole of her - a total Gy is required to be able to with me and I asked that why it would be a problem and she said that it is totally different than her job, friends etc and she can not switch this by a breath - so she told me that we could meet on a day when she does not go to work next day.

I stated this as the lack of the equality between ourselves so then I said well - I gave this up and I do not seek her really - but sometimes I did when I was not aware -- and we spoke on phone about a half an hour.
But I realize that this is not really oneness and equality - I even had a moment when I was considering that how I would get her onto the intention to meet with me more often - and after this - I was exposed to myself.

I am sure that I can assist her within her 'time-management/self-direction' but she wants it all alone, she is so stubborn as I was when I was 25.

As long I have inner reaction - this can be assisting - when I am self-honest - but absolute self-honest. When not - then compounding shit will hit me. As once it happened - I was emotionally charged and I felt like fuck the whole world all crap, I wanted to leave this city immediately but I could not - because of the job, lack of money etc.

In fact what would change if we would have sex - not much - one occasion would not make a big difference - but it would be assisting to do this kind of expression with somebody who I can open myself up and also she could do the same - and I found her to be a good one for this - but maybe of previously formed desires. But then the whole thing is compromised and I am fucked if I continue this shit all along until I leave the country.

Also at job place I told to my boss that I would really appreciate a longer vacation - without salary - instead of having absolutely enogh and leaving the company. He was not happy but at least he said he will consider this.

Today with my exgirlfriend were lying on the park under sunshine and there were some rainbow guys and spoke about natural sexual expression and having problem within society and they asked me about the community where I was in Füssen where they are living in matriarchy.
Then they left and with Cica we did big hugs and having fun and peeing and it was big fun to hold her and raise - she was so light as a child.

So some scripting up before end:
-screenplay - many aspects formed already - have to see in written
-I started a text video about breath -push it until it's finished
-work for second
-be absolutely self honest - especially with situations about/with Gy - not be afraid to be direct - if she would step back - then she will do it - but I express and if is too much then it is. Stop desiring after her - the more I desire - the more she slips away. Then the point comes that if I do not seek her - we do not meet - then it should be all right. Here are other woman also if I want to explore sexual expression with somebody who I can be one and equal. Self-direction.

There should be some situations when I must push myself to a direction to avoid suppressions - as I did this before regarding to sex -- simply not being aroused by pictures and sounds - but when I experience this movement inside of me - then let space to it to express without judgement. Stop fearing from what would happen if I sleep with a girl and we do something together. Let's see it and take consequences and be responsible and self honest and forgive and change.

todie or not todie

Ok, it looks like not all desires are related to directly sex - this musical expression is not that one - yet the guy who I play music with - he always says that when we will go to stage - then girls will come continously - that would be an interesting situation - I never had this - however there were occasions when women were interested in me and I felt this and I did not want - but those were not like 'direct strike' - but more subtle, more soft pings they made...

If I would choose, I would prefer a situation with somebody within an agreement one and equal - however I do not want to fuck my mind with the idea of desiring after this - because in fact recently I had to realize - that was a 'desire after relationship' but within a 'pink cloud' - so I had to rid of this whole issue and restart from scratches.
I mean the starting point and the whole meaning of meeting with that particular girl - Gy - who does not like when I call her 'puna'(in hungarian that sounds like a countryside accented pussy) - however she did not wanted anything constant closely with me so I was rehashed my definitionmatrix and I was aware of my own mindfuck.
According to the fact that I had this desire to have sex with her - even when it was of 'emerging both of us into one and equal' to face ourselves -- I was not sure about this would not only an excuse to the 'good old' definition system personality program called 'tala'.

So - work work work - I work, today 2 work I was at - from the office I was in a meeting within that huge marble room in the museum to discuss about a new job - bank payment issue has to be dealt with webservices calls, databases, forms etc - I was not absolutely happy as I will have to work with it quite much -- yet it means extra $$$$.
In fact what work I spent on at the office - is already almost exhausting - so I do not 'have' time for much stuff - and recently about half of it was taken by this 'second job' at home.

This does not bring much money - but some yes - and it would be handy if the main job at the office would be stopped - but it would not be enough even for 'surviving'...

For reference - if I would like to move on - along with the bullshit so called 'carrier' - I am assuming that this will worth - as almost 2 years I already spent at this huge company, international team, leading edge technologies etc - and those 3 other job experiences before this - what were not too long, but in fact the project experience in years counts - so I am considering to write a new CV and send it over for some dozens of headhunters - even in London.
I will get soon a SIM card from UK what will make me somebody who are likely in the UK already...Ex livingmate, Niz lives there actually and he also committed his lifespan to making music within the electronic dance music scene - and it was already proven multiple times that when we would live together - that would be quite fruity.
So this was considered well - act will follow this soon.

Also huge possibilities opened today - however much things will be tested out - also related to desires and issues what I avoided before - in order to procastinate to face with and as myself - but not anymore -- for instance this desire after girl, sex - or using excuse that I do not have very great technical stuffs to make the best music -- not anymore, as almost everything what I ever desired about to make music - is here.
So on hardware level everything is in it's place - the heart of the studio - the music editing tool program is just coming --since elementary school I did not pay for software - but this will worth it - I mean I am in a situation such as somebody from the west - to have these things - heaven of making music - so I will start with rehashing the already halfmade projects and making them sounding very intense and nasty and finish them with some great synth sounds and then moving on - much much I would like to express trough music...

To be aware to not be subjective - 'subjectiate' Gy when we speak - she is me as one as equal - and no desire - as it of separation -- no refuse or becoming shielded - as this would signify dishonesty --

And as the urge still can come up to find a way to have sex/orgasm - I assume that much I have to express and release...

I would like also do do things what I can not because all day I work -- so this takes too much -- I am working on solution...

Self direction - breath breath breath
no compromise, no fear, no hesitation - no inner echoing, no past based definition reaction

why this daily

Looks like all my desires has this sexual origin - tomorrow I will explore what desires I allow and how are related to sex.
Sexual release, sexual pleasure, sexual energy, sexual fuck knows what:)
As today I allowed myself to get extensively aroused - I had to realize that it can go forward quite more and in fact it is not real - and that's why I do not give myself 'into it' but I fight against it -- because then I would realize - none of it was real -- so as I suppress and compound -- I am directed - instead of taking self responsibility and stop -- and start exploring living -- without ideas, compromise and illusion.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get aroused by pictures and sounds - instead of remain here as real as the physical as breath.

Breath directly, breath continously, breath physically, breath real.
Tomorrow I push breath further more - when I experience this limitedness - breath!

Today as I told to my workmate that with Gy we are having quite a distance - he said I am blaming for her instead of realizing myself.. It was ironic and he was absolutely right.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame Gy about what I experience - instead of realizing that this is what I am doing for myself and for her and broadcasting this separational delusion as one as equal - instead of stopping and forgiving and releasing and changing.

I am curious but in fact I should fear from exposing myself - but then the change would be inevitable. This is what I am going to do.

Also with Gy - I felt like I was not able to express myself - but then I would ask that what I would like to talk in order to influence her?
This fear of manipulating people would be here when I would manipulate people - so probably I do -- let's explore this also tomorrow.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am manipulating people according to my desires.

I did not drink any tea today as yesterday planned, and in fact I was sleepy.
Shit fuck, the job was slowly moving and I was wondered again how about to change this situation around me - - change me!

purify A

Today I became aware of that one and half month no sex changed me a little. Ok, there was some sort of sexual engagements - but as at the office some guys can refer to it - there was no 'happy finish'.
So I was wondered about how long it would take, but in fact I had no idea - I wanted to do this 3 weeks dare - and after that I had no hurry - yet I managed to arouse myself several times but then I was able to stop - and it was at the border of suppressing it but in fact the expression was to not be addicted to orgasm and it was done. However, on friday maybe, it just happened that I touched myself and it was kind of self expression - was no plan, no image, I explored myself and then this experience came and then for a moment I was totally naked - not physically only but absolutely.
Interesting experience, in fact I started to wonder about how it was and then I had this urge to continue this sexual experience - but I assume that was kind of a rush after this kind of experience and that was not really self-expression -- hm I correct this: I revealed to myself again - how about I run into experiences what are not really last and not even so fascinating - as they were before...

So interesting - this was done and then I had to realize that I built up a belief that after I had orgasm, there would be around 3 days to regain a kind of energy level and by this I was able to blame myself about why I am not 'aware enough' to things, to surroundings, or even about myself!
And basically this was a big bullshit, and I knew it before, but after this expression - it became quite clear that this belief manifested only when I was wondered about it - when I was alone or I was about to strengthen this within me by energetic participation such as thoughts.
I became aware that I used to be with specific people sometimes to divert my attention from my belief - so I was escaping from my own illusion...
Interesting - and when I try to hold this belief right here - it is not real - it is not here - it comes from that fact that there were times when I had sex (masturbation/engage with a woman) that I was really tired and then I had to 'regerenate'. This regeneration was necessary becase I was using energy, instead of self expression I was -- so the energy came and went by - and I was a slave of it.
But not anymore.
This sexual desire was quite built up within me yet I did not wanted to release because I wanted to bring myself into a situation when this should come naturally...
Sometimes I was so aroused when I was with Gy that even physical pain emerged - and she after a point always stopped me so I had no chance - in fact I would have, but I wanted this specific point to compound.

I write this but so many times I was not aware of this - I was so directed, I felt myself as a peasant on the chessboard and sometimes I felt myself as the leader(queen) on the black/white board - but in fact all figures are me...

Fascinating...
And now - after some days - I have no urge to have sexual experience - yet I would have the tendency..yes I see one point - today I observed really some girl's body - and I wanted to grasp some kind of inner reaction and not much was...
Ok let's clear these more...
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define joy as defining woman's body as sexy, as arousing, as possible sexual content -instead of realizing that the joy is already me - but I am not aware of the joy of the presence of me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself according to the definitions of joy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to categorize woman physical bodies according to my ideas of being nice or not - not realizing that this is of polarity manifestation of energy of mind - not real.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire after a good shaped woman body who with I can play sexual games - because I've defined it as great - according to the norms of programmed society.

So
At this moment let's write my issues:
-I decided to go trough all the hungarian words and collect all associations and forgiving them to be aware and stop reacing as a robot. - this I want continously but somehow I did not manage to do so -- every day it should happen even only for ten minutes - but continously push this point because it would assist much...
-Get cubase right here - not wait for Gy to have that paper what is required to get that software - I can count only myself if I want something really - I am here - I express - I direct. Since 3 weeks she did not managed it - I go on.
-I had this emotional burst towards her when I was like fed up with this issues according to her and I told her that if nothing goes more closely - such as agreement or direct, stable, trustable support between us - then it would worth nothing, so I was seriously questioned the worth of our meetings - and she felt bad because she felt that I would just throw her away if something does not happen what I want, and it made a great distance between us but it's all right - I mean - she decided something, I also - and here is the consequences... Do we learn/change? Will see...
What I see that I was not absolutely clear on this - and she is absolutely not able to engage into an agreement - yet I was in the hope that somehow I can influence her or she would consider this as support - but not and then that's it lol.

- Job issue - I was considering to make some CV-s and send over to London - will try - I am having this 'I would move on' experience - and also I would like to start to plan to visit SA farm - will see... first let's have some amount and then I would be more 'free' to decide what to direct myself into and as...
-I am considering also to get this camera to be mine what would be a great begining towards to filming - but also it would cost a lot - but it is quite cheap - related to what it could do -- will see.

Writing obviously makes me stable - - or more precisely: by writing I am stabilizing myself - and I am opening myself and I am directing myself.
Interesting observation I had today - on mondays I am less tired/sleepy than on the other days -- somehow I am not 'used to working intensely' to get tired - yet as I am stopped drinking coffee since 2 months - it started to be the 21 days and I still did not wanted to drink - so some 'weak' teas I drink but those are not really boosting me - however I am able to work all day along...
Tomorrow I will test to not drink tea and will see about 'am I tired?'...

Also I would like to continue my screenplay - much are in quite stable shape within my head and I am aware that much time I would need to refine it on paper, the conversations, the situations and the entire flow of happenings, the storyline and the actor's beats, changes, challenges -- it is like describing something into reality.
This screenplay work would assist me in all ways - but then I have to do it regularly - as this blog - I want to write every day...some stories - some mementos as well...

self forgiveness on definitions etc

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hesitate.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hesitate to express myself because of hope and lack of self trust in every single moment.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the lack of awareness of and as breath expression - shows that I am not here - I am not inner silent.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try living by excuses and justifications about why I am accepting myself as thinking - instead of acting immediately and not allowing myself to wheel up within myself with thoughts, emotions feelings.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I am not expressing out myself within every moment as who I am inside - I am compounding the tension/stress within myself - and then I am becoming an atombomb what is preparing to explode -- instead of expressing myself and releasing the ideas of how to perceive and act.
I forgive myself that I have defined myself somebody who can have everything or nothing - played out and controlled by extreme polarities - and limiting myself to these as I am black or I am white - instead of being aware of how I participate within such definitions and forgiving and releasing them - remaining inner silent.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to define myself according to sex or according to the lack of sex.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to sexual desire.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define good to suppress sexual desire.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to emotionally manipulate beings around me in order to have what I want - instead of being direct and trust self as moment as breath expression.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think while I am reading - instead of realizing how I defined reading as thinking - and stopping it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am gonna be tired if I do something.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I am going to be tired if I am thinking.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that as I am 'moving into the mind' - I am becoming a programmed robot - as I am not here as the physical - but I am within and as this mind program and perceiving everything trough the lens of definitions, laws, regulations-- then I am not here, I am not real.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within desire - I am desiring after what is already here - so within the act of desire - the act of realizing how and why I separated myself from what I desire for. It can be girl, sex, object or any idea what I do not experience but I want to.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to unconditionally let go of the past - letting go who I was, who I defined myself to be here, and be the expression of moment as breath.

Distinguish between saying and acting

I explain how to distinguish between seeing and pretending and actual supporting self realisation -- according to words.

The key is self honesty. Without self honesty - it is pretending and nothing changes but then excuses will arise and self-deception manifests according to specific dishonesties.

I mean if I am saying that - I am already an unified man - if I am self honest, If I am able to be here - without compromise, without judgement, opinion, idea, definition - I am experiencing what is here as it is. And then I am able to see what must be done - regarding to the expression of 'I am already an unified man'. Because I precisely see what has to be released, removed entirely - to be this self-honest unified man --- yet I am this already - because I experience everything of me as me - but within my expression I see the dishonesty.

Without self-honesty:
-I do not see dishonesty directly as it is
-I do not express myself as the releasing of dishonesties - because of several type of excuses what can be derived to one: self-dishonesty - fear - self-definition.(for instance belief in ascension, or blaming others etc - or simply I am not seeing that my expression is dishonest because of of instance 'I have to survive', or 'I need some joy/entertainment' or 'love is real'-type bullshits)
-I use the words not as one as equal, but I use words as a shield - to protect me from myself and from others - to be able to remain within the world of self-definition...

With self-honesty:
-I am aware of the dishonesty, and I push myself right here to explore what it is - who I am - who I became - and what must be done - and acting immediately to express self as real change - as self forgiveness, as physical expression of who I really am as the unification of man.

--
This issue came up when I was speaking with Gy over the phone and she told me that I speak much things what I am not -- so it is practical to explore what she would ment on it or what this would imply on a person - regarding to personas.

write every day

It would be assisting to write every day - every single day - to support self stabilization and becoming aware of still accepting and allowing dishonesties.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to write myself unconditionally as one as equal here as self expression.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I postpone the writing - then I postpone my expression - one and equal - and within this - I try to postpone myself - and this is simply self-dishonesty. I stop this.
I write - let's see - Am I capable of directing myself to write every single day?
dare dare dare dare dare

Tiny winy

Writing down the standing up. I push myself to be direct without writing some page of bullshit first and then getting to the point. Here is the point:

Discipline - Motivation - Principle


I insert these into moments - what this means practically?

Discipline - I discipline myself to remain always here as physical - no thoughts

Motivation - responsibility - if I do not experience directly my influence to the world - that does not mean that everything is all right - I have to stop to be able to see the current situation of earth directly for myself - as myself.

Principle - Oneness and equality - as all as one as equal as life - this explains everything - this principle if I push myself - first I can see trough my bubbles and then I can push myself trough them and when here is no bubble - then I realize the truth - that this is not a choice but this is who I am.

I had a dream at night and somehow it was CHOICE related and I went trough multiple processes and the choice in itself as a meaning - was not here anymore -- choice does not exists - only temporally purpose what makes the dishonest be able to believe that actually this is life - in fact - absolutely not -- what life is what is leaving behind the poor who are dieing from hunger?

My tendency is to absolutely focus on what I do - easily can become a some sort of obsession - as energetically I am pushing every part of my intent into it - an entity is being built up and this entity is like a steamtrain - a huge and heavy space vessel - what forms gravity and even I was wondered about after a point, it can be referred as an instance of evil. Indeed - a simple practice of self-will easily can become a so strong self interested systematic consciousness movement - so then I am becoming smaller that what I created - it is like a mechanic - I build a huge machine and then I start it and it can not be stopped, only when it is overloading and simply explodes or something like that.
I referred it to be evil because self interest can be defined as evil - because then I do not care, I am not opened, I am not momentary expression as breath - because of the fear that without this strong mind-fist -- I cannot reach what I desire.

So - I assume that I do not trust within my self-will enough, so I use energy to be ensured that I get what I want. It is like a ceremony - some kind of ritual with mind - to summon energy.
Also this point as being opened revealed: desire, doubt, fear.

I fear that without desire - I lost my motivation? - so did I define myself according to my desires? According to my fears? What if all was wrong? Of course. I resonated with my parents and all beings around me - I became the others literally - father, mother, grandpa, grandma - If i look these beings - I should be aware the self-contamination by and as them - what I allowed, I managed and I defined myself as this - so I can stop it - as simply as I move and breath -and forgive and release and live. So let be the motivation is the placement of disciplined principle as all as one as equal.


After these words - what I can find within myself related to these issues?

My desires? My intents? My plans?
Let's start from down to up from the perspective of living within this system. No, it's not a maslow-pyramide but the idea what I use-is similar to it.

1 - I work at the office. One of the biggest international multi-broadcasting-media corporation on earth. As long I go to work - it supplies me money. Some more than 1200euros per month. Not much but here it is enough to have the basic and be able to spend some for what I am interested in.
I never worked so much before than here. I wanted to prove that I can work good - it occured. My boss tells me every month. One and half year - I can say - it is stable stuff in my life. Never was. Before I was doing jobs for some months - and I was so fucking high almost every night so everything was fuzzy and I was in the tornado. But now as I am sober - something changes. I am becoming the tornado. Sometimes it's still dizzy - I am falling even sometimes for loong-loong hours - but I am sure that this works. Some months ago I started to wonder about how long I gonna stay here. In fact around winter(4-5 months later) I want to go. I plan to visit SA if it's possible and then do this kind of job a bit furthermore - but not in Hungary -- rather in a place where I can get 10 times more money - not for greed. But for being able to direct the situations - yes with money as well. Responsibility. No escape anymore.

2- my tiny winy studio - Very soon it will be ready - I mean on a semi-professtional way - to compose, make, produce music - whatever I want. Already several projects are in the air but I have to push myself and make them into real songs.
This is what I wanted since I took those acid blotters - I experience much-much music-related things I want to express - so I will.
Quite an invest - and it can be neverending - there will be always a new card/synth/audio system/effect/mic etc what can be a new aim to have it -- so I will freeze this once I will start to make the music.
In fact I feel - while I work at the office - I do not have enough time to make music. But I have question this because I wrote 'I feel' - feelings can be deceiving - as self-programming.

3-Girl. Undoubtable that I want a girl - not only for having sex but for self-assistance - self-reflection, self-facing. Much issues are programmed within me since from childhood - and then the previous relationships with several girls - many transcendence points are available. Main ones are: desire, jealousy, fear.
If I open these up more - I want a beautiful woman who can fullfill me - typical UCF program shit - I am forgiving as I met with GY - but some points are still hidden.
I have to be aware to not desire relationship - and she pulls back almost always when I push this area - or even when I tend to kiss long and with those kind of touches - she jush pulls up a wall and says it is too much. And I say - it is not enough and I feel separation. And she says - this kind of 'relationship' between us is just perfect and I say one day I will give up this intent and then this will be finished. She already started to worry about then I will not see her - so I smell the mindfuck - I have to act - when we meet - immediately - before I still allow some shit to manifest. Actually I have no idea what would be the best for her and me and for all...
From one side - I am aware that I support her - in stability in self trust in self-enjoyment, she supports me within opening myself up, bringing things here from past to be able to face and many times supportting just be me who I am without concepts - innocence. And then when I 'speak too much' - all can fall - and I simply want her and our thin intimate touch becomes thick and I am almost 'forced' or 'compelled' to want to have her totally entirelly and wanting to have sex and push the limitations and definitions away...
Because I've defined sex as an ultimate way to dissolve walls between me and a girl - and a way when we literally can exchange our point of view, not only for minutes but for real. So in sex - I felt like we are really giving and receiving -- of couse it can be a mindfuck as the mind consciousness systems are stabilizing each other as a one system - but in fact if self-assistance is here -- it can be assisting.

So it is interesting - but what makes me dizzy within this - that I can not trust in her - as she does not show all her sides - I even do not trust in her when she just says 'I'll be back in a minute' - because there is a chance that she gets something interesting or intense impression and only after hours comes back - or goes into a party and then said - she was kissing with multiple boys and then she regrets it a little - but I am even not sure that she is really regreting it at all:)
Of course this brings out what do I want from her and how much and: WHY?

If I use common sense - I can say - she is not able to stand one and equal at this moment - but as I am here - she is here - I do not separate her from me - and when I say this - I mean it -- and in this moment I realize: what things I do not like in her - is exactly what I am like!!!
I can not trusted, I am not stable and I am being directed by outer impressions.
But this means that she could be also jealous and when I was seeing the firefly series and at the end the girl was crying when the guy was having sex with an other girl - the first thought was also: I can try what she would react if I would be with an other girl -- so this is also a typical mindfuck situation what many humans do on earth and mixing shit more up - dishonesty, dishonesty.

So I meant to these kind of stuffs what she can bring up from me - and I do not want to manipulate her - because this manipulation should go on emotional and intellectual level - and I do not want this -- so it is like a situation what is really temporally and quite intense yet as long as I am self-honest and I even express it towards her as well and stabilizing it for myself and scripting up and forgiving myself immediately -- it is assisting.

Also when I wont be able to be self-directive within self-honesty - probably the whole thing will fall - so this is not an option.
First of all - she wanted to live in Firenze from september - but she stayed.
She said she wants this to be not a relationship but also not 'just' a relationship.

My tendency is to not being satisified with middle-ways -- the poles within me can be very-very sharp -- do something with full power -- or do not do it at all...

Also from the point of self-interest-- I feel sometimes that she is of it -- but I can not stop reflecting it back to me - so probably when I realize this - I am realizing it about me - about how much I define myself and my interest about her and in fact about the 'possible things what we could do together' - what are of preprogrammed dreams mostly.


Hmm what else?
Desteni SRA training -- I manage to participate within it -- I am aware of it is the most effective way to stabilize and embrace and unify self -- and also I have to move my ass to SA to be with these guys.
Because in the begining of desteni assistance with me - I wanted to ask so much - but with chatting with dimensions - they always said to me - Tala - you will find out.
So this made me reminded that I am alone - I have to it for myself as myself.
But it can be also too much when I remind myself too much for this - because then I am remaining the same as I was - alone in the desert and fighting against the sandstorm instead of being practical.
Do I need assistance? I mean I am not bleeding - but this sexual desire sometimes is getting so intense - because I suppressed it, because I still deny my sexual expression, because I tend to handle my human physical body as a machine...

And all of it was, because I've separated myself from my breath. I am breathing I am here - I could not separate myself from my breath - only I am not aware of I am breath.

Ok then many points became visible - some: again - some firstly being written.
Self forgiveness is required.

I forgive myself that I havent accepted to stand up unconditionally in every single moment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define standup conditionally - instead of realizing that I stand up - is not of condition - is about who I am and who I am not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take responsibility for myself and for others as me unconditionally.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define discipline as a separated definition from me - to define discipline as conditional - as something what helps me to get what I want - instead of realizing that discipline I am as expression as inner silence - do I dare myself to express as discipline as self-presence within and as myself or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to live by a principle - as I never was able to define myself according to a principle - until I realized the simplicity and the truth of the discipline of oneness and equality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define what principle would mean and define those who are living by principle as followers, believers.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when I judge somebody based on a word - I am judging my own definitions towards to these specific words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with what I am doing - by believing that compounding energies and using it would be the way to make it done - instead of being here as breath as inner silence without ANY judgement, purpose, trusting me and expressing me who I am already.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to stop when I realize - I am compounding energy and this energy will determine my expression - will influence my perception - will be me until it vanishes.
I forgive myself that I have not dared myself to realize - that I am deceiving myself when I have a 'tiny aware moment' about I am actually of mind - and then I say - "Let's go further to see what this manifests and then I will learn from it" - instead of not going into the same self-made self-delusional traps every day by hoping that one day automatically I will fed up with my programmed self-accepted behaviour.

I forgive myself to fear to stating out that self-interest is evil - because then I would be called as nazi as I am seeing only black or white -- instead of realizing that then I would reveal to myself that I am defining myself according to others - I am defending myself as personality - therefore I stop concerning and fearing to express who I am at the moment.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to stand up for myself and for all when I realized the mistakes I've done - mistakes from the perspective that I already knew what will happen but I was compelled to do so because the self-interest I did not give up - and by this only proving that I did not realized who I really am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that realizing would mean only finding out how it works - instead of being aware that realization means practical solution - not only information about how it should be right.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope that following intuitions will help me practically - instead of trusting me here as expression here.

I forgive myself that I have defined myself according to my mother.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to my mother.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to my father.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be here when I am writing this self forgiveness - by following jumping in memory and thinking about that.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think when Gy would call me and then before it would compound - I change the 'subject' of my focus and by continous jumping - I am not aware of the self-dishonesty and the fact that I am not here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to my family.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me as I am my family.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myelf to define myself according to my job.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in any way whatsoever - and revealing that I am not experiencing myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry to myself that I am alone - instead of realizing that every single being is alone within their individual processes - I have to standup for myself as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what would happen when I would leave my job.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to my workplace.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the things what I have.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to musical instruments.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I would loose the things what I've collected with hard work.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my work as hard - instead of being able to let it to be as it is without definition.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build up a desire instead of acting immediately - regarding to making music - because the desire is an excuse to not express myself as music - because then the desire is what I am using as separation to realize what is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire woman instead of realizing that what I desire for is here - the presence of me as the totality of me - what I've defined is the woman is what will fulfill me but this is not true.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be able to find a girl to have sex with within an agreement.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define hard to not having sex for long time because then I would have these experiences within my body.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to sex.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to energetic experience of sex.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to orgasm.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define that if I am with a girl and if I can not have sex with her then this is not enough.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define sex as an ultimate way to be able to be together and without it defining it as shallowness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to fing a way when I am indirectly within a situation when I would have sex with a girl who I defined previously as exciting.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that within the act of desiring - by thoughts and emotions and feelings - as energy - I am responsible for the experienced and manifested separation from what I do not experience.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope that when I discipline myself then I will get sexual experience as a gift. lol
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use asexuality as energy and then defining it as me - instead of realizing that suppressing is not who I really am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I would have problems if I would not have sex for a long time.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to kiss girls because of the energetic experience of kissing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I would not be able to direct myself within a situation when I decided to discipline myself to not having sex and meanwhile I am being under temptation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define sex as special.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to expose my experience within myself towards girls because then they would turn over from me - instead of realizing that within this: I fear from myself - I fear from facing from m - this is unacceptable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to manipulate situations and girls within it to be able to have hugging-kissing-sex becase of my self-interest about having the experience of joy and entertainment and bliss.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define hug, kissing, sex as joy - instead of realizing that I am joy here as self-expression.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define hug, kissing, sex as bliss.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define hug, kissing, sex as entertainment.