[JTL 78] A munka

A munka

Egy kicsit a munkáról

Mi is nekem valójában a munka, miért is "dolgozom" és "hogyan" is dolgozom.

Össze ne keverjük a dolgokat, reggelente felkelek, bemegyek az irodába, megbeszéléseken veszek részt, "TPS-riportokat" írok, rendszereket találok ki és építek fel szavakból, szimbólumokból: félre ne értsük, ez nem annyira rossz dolog, de pusztán azért csinálom, hogy legyen elegendő pénzem élni. Ez nekem nem munka - ez a túlélés, ez alap. Ezt "szinte" mindenki csinálja, hiszen érdemes: vehetek tejet, vajat, kenyeret és rizst, na meg sajtot is ezért - fizethetek fedélért és ha lázas vagyok, ezért jár a táppénz - mert fenntartom a rendszert. Ezt lehet munkának nevezni, számomra ez az, ami: létfenntartás.

A munka számomra az, amikor olyanon dolgozok, ami saját magam érdeke - s mondhatjuk, hogy programozó matematikus aktivitás is önérdekem - valahol az, hiszen nem tudom ön-őszinteségben elválasztani a kettőt, a megélhetést és az életet - egy és egyenlő: azért, hogy ne haljak meg, "dolgozom", mert a rendszer olyan, hogy ha nem dolgoznék, ne is egyek. Ez egy igen érdekes feltevés, számomra még rendben is van, ha pusztán magamat nézem persze - sokat megéltem, megjártam már, "szinte a jég hátán is megélnék" - iroda, fizetés nélkül is, tapasztalatokból tudom milyen az utcán, az utcából élni.
Pontosan, az élettapasztalatimból van némi referenciám, gyakorlatom arra, hogyan is lehet megélni, amikor gyakorlatilag "pénzt" kell csinálni.
Ez egy képesség, melynek során figyelembe veszem a jelenlegi rendszert, az embereket, konkrétabban a pénzrendszert, kik tudnának fizetni és miféleképpen tudom úgy megkapni azt, ami számomra az életbenmaradáshoz legalább szükséges: ennivaló, innivaló, legyen hol aludnom. Szolgáltatás, termék, szokták mondani, ezért járnak a javak, a "jóságok".
Nos, ez mind szép és jó, de felteszem azt a kérdést, az az EMBER, aki még egész új, mondhatni kisgyermek, nem igazán tudja ezt, hogy is van ez, mit is kell tenni: ő csak ártatlan szemekkel néz felfele és éhes, szomjas, nem ért dolgokat.
Jó esetben egy gyermek olyan helyre kerül, ahol gondoskodnak róla, "van miből" és ez a támogatás energiába, pénzbe kerül - ezt a jelenlegi rendszer, amit elfogadtunk és megengedünk, amivel azonosulunk úgy próbálja megoldani, hogy a szülők a felelősek a gyerekért, akiknek meg nincs vagy nem olyan, azok árvaházba kerülnek, aholis a rendszer "maga" próbálja finanszírozni az apró ember "megélhetését".

Ez, akárhogyan is nézem megkülönböztethető, mondhatni kategórizálható annak függvényében, milyen szintű is az az élet, amit "megengedhet" a gyermek, a felnőtt - gyakorlatilag, hogy mennyi pénze van.

Legyünk őszinték - ha csakis és mindig kizárólag a legolcsóbb dolgokat vesszük, azok azok, amikre valahol apróbetűkkel gyakorlatilag mérgező anyagok vannak ráírva, ha nem is őszintén, de burkoltan, finoman hintve, sugallva, hogy bizony, ez nem az a kategória, amellyel a legtöbbet teszed a gyerekedért. Persze nem minden ilyen, feltételezzük például a só, az olyan, amilyen, vagy egy pohár az pohár, gyakorlati jelentősége szempontjából teljesen elfogadható, hogy is néz ki, feltehetőleg nem is mérgező belőle inni. Inkább itt az élelmiszerre értem, amelyekre ráadásul ráírják "céges titok" megtudni az összetételét, holott én vagy a gyermek eszi meg - ez micsoda már?

Miért van az, hogy ha valakit lecsuknak, alap ellátmányt kap, míg egy gyermeknek nem jár ilyen?

Hogyan is van az, hogy valakinek annyi, de annyi pénze van, hogy egyszerűen azt bankbazáratva, annak kamatjából ezerszeresét kapja, anélkül, hogy egy gombostűt arrébb tenne, míg valaki éjt nappallá téve hajt, hogy a legolcsóbb géppárizsit megvehesse a gyerekének?

Mikor lett az anyagi státusz eltitkolása "etikus" és egyúttal nem "helyes" nyilvánvalóan és könnyedén megtudni ki, hogyan, miből mennyit "keres", mint "megélhetés"?

Számomra a "titok" mindig nyilvánvalóan egy dühítő dolog, s nem azért, mert ostoba lennék, de azért sem, mert zseni - hanem, mert pusztán az eltitkolás tettével előnyt kovácsolni másokon, kifejezetten mondjuk kisgyerekeken, amikor nyilvánvaló, hogy egészséges ellátás nélkül egy gyereket táplálni azt mondják "nem olcsó".
A pénzmámorparanoia miatt az élet mostanság "drága". Az erőforrások korlátozottak, mondják - mostanság: ingyen még a nap se süt...

"Szerencsém" volt utazni egész sokfele a világban, s megjártam ezt-azt, de bevallom, számomra főként "vérlázító" és döbbenetes volt látni, hogy az emberiség hogyan is gyakorolja az önmaga életbe vetett hitét, milyen alapelveken, kiindulópontokon és módszereken keresztül formál és gyakorol jogot arra, hogy e bolygó életterét dominálja.

Jó pár ismerősöm is utazgatott erre-arra, egész kevesen látják úgy, mint én, hogy ez nem túl szép dolog - ezeket az országokat leigázták, kizsákmányolták, feldarabolták, értékesítették és ellehetetlenítették, s mindezt már gyerekkori történelemkönyvből "oktatják", jah, "Pizarro felfedezte Perut" - az ottani és akkori Peru ezzel biztos vitatkozott volna - ha nem puskaporral és vassal érveltek volna nekik valószínű...

Magyarország sincs túl rózsás helyzetben, de olyan szintű gondosan kitervelt, végrehajtott írástudatlanság, szegénység és nyomor azért ITT nincs, mint mondjuk India, Kongó bizonyos területein, holott ha őszintén elkezdem boncolni, mit is jelent valójában ez a hárombetűs szó: ITT: igen érdekes realizációkra juthatok, már amennyiben képes és hajlamos vagyok őszinte lenni magamhoz annyira, hogy pusztán a fizikai valóságot, a józan "paraszti" észt és az egyszerű matematikai egyenletet, hogy 1+1=2 használjam.

Amikor azt mondom: itt vagyok - az egy fizikai, valóságos lokáció - mérhető, tapintható, nyilvánvalóságában félre nem érthető: ha ez az itt, ahol vagyok a sínen van, s a vonat is itt van, akkor ez a kettő már tagadhatatlanul valódi.

Tehát ez az itt, ahol vagyok, ahol a testem van, ahol lélegzem, ahol éhes leszek, ahol a gyerek születik, ez az itt, amely a valóság, erre mondják, teljesen szubjektív, mivel mindenkinek más, egy helyet egy test foglal el, s ez az itt, ettől relatívnak számít, hát rendben.

Ebben a házban, lakásban most akivel itt vagyok, ez is relatív, a többi már ebben nincs itt - bár mindeközben az ő saját tapasztalásuk szintén az ő saját "itt"-lét-ük. Ennek milyenségét, minőségét nem firtatván, pusztán fókuszálva a fizikai, egzakt tényére: ők is ITT vannak, mondjuk úgy, megélik az ittlétüket.

Úgy mondjuk, hogy amikor én ITT vagyok, a másik ember fizikai léte, ha szememmel nem látom, fülemmel nem hallom, már ez nem itt, hanem OTT.

Aztán jön a következő fogalom, a második tégla a falban: "most" - itt és most, mondhatni ez a valóság, hiszen a múlt már, a jövő még nem létezik. Érdekes koncepció, de sétálok vele: Tegnap ott voltam, ma itt vagyok - fizikailag ez megkérdőjelezhetetlen. De attól, hogy ott voltam, nekem az akkor - és valójában mindig: ITT van.

Ez egy furcsa dolog, mondhatni, mindig itt vagyok, mármint a fizikai valóságban, a testem mozog, lélegzik, éhes, szomjas, szeret aludni, ha fáradt - ez az itt, amelyet ha nem mérlegelek, egy idő után igencsak feltűnik, mert igen kellemetlen, tagadhatatlanul "rossz" dolgokat tapasztalok a testem ITTlétében...

Amikor Indiában a több száz kéregető bandával voltam, akkor ez az ITTlétem OTT volt, s közvetlenül tapasztaltam, érintéseiket direktben éreztem, s aközben nem mondhattam, hogy hát én most "ott vagyok", vagy én "itt vagyok", ők meg "ott" - ez akkor mind együtt volt ez az úgynevezett "itt és most".

Aztán visszajöttem, elfogyott a pénzem meg különben is, megvolt, amiért mentem, tehát úgy irányítottam, hogy az ITTlétem újra Magyarországon legyen.

Itt élek, mondhatni, aztán mások meg ott - de ha egyszer ez az itt és most valóban átjön - lejön, az ember tényleg megtapasztalja, tisztán, üresen, befogadóan, koncepciók, definíciók és korlátok nélkül, hogy mi is ez az ITT, amiben részt veszünk, miközben megengedjük magunknak, hogy ne féljünk: megtapasztalhatjuk, hogy ez az itt mindig abszolút, ez az igazság: mi mind ITT vagyunk, mindannyian, s attól, hogy ő arrébb van, a szemem nem lát el, még ez van.

Ez egy fontos része volt életemnek, hogy realizáljam, mi is a valódi munka.

Az, hogy nekem ITT van "szép" megélhetésem(nézőpont kérdése) - nem vakítja el az agyam annyira, hogy elveszítsem ezt az ITT tudatosságot, amit: hahaha - OTT tapasztaltam: ez a szépsége a valódi realizációnak - többé nem megy el sehova: itt van, mert attól valódi: megvalósulás - többé nem tudom szem elől téveszteni, vagy, hát: bevallván: időnként belebonyolódok még szálakba, amikkel kapcsolatban nem vagyok őszinte magammal, mert elég mélyen beidegződött, hogy én az vagyok itt, amit a gondolataim sugallnak, holott az egyetlen valóság, ami folyton ITT van, az a fizikai.

Tisztában vagyok kvantum, holografikus, kvark s mindenféle vudukkal úgy-ahogy - de az a tény, hogy ITT enni és inni, pihenni és tanulni kell mindenkinek, hogy ÉLETERŐs legyen: nyilvánvaló.

Az a tévedés, hogy valaki vagy valami fizikailag nem a közvetlen teremben van s onnantól kezdve nem számít, ha őszinte vagyok magamhoz, akkor elfogadhatatlan - hiszen a nap minden este eltűnik, pedig mindig itt van...

Ugyanúgy, azok a helyzetek, körülmények, amelyekben más emberek élnek, attól, hogy nem vagyok velük, még itt van.

Az, hogy nekem, személy szerint nincs hatalmam, hogy ezt direktbe átéljem, létrejöttét, dinamikáját megértsem, hogyan is van az emberiségben tagadva ez az ITTlét a másik fele, aki teszemazt: nélkülözi azt, ami nekem ITT magától értetődő, mint, hogy alapellátás szükséges az éléshez - ez egy folyamat, tudatosodás, realizáció, főleg a saját korlátaim felfedezése, beismerése, megértése, megbocsátása és felelősséget vállalása arra, hogy ezt meg is szüntethetem, minden ITTlévő figyelembevételeként: számomra ez munka.

Munka, mert időt, energiát, fegyelmet, figyelmet, akaratot és erőt teszek bele, hogy megértsem, hogyan is működöm és miért is úgy, és mérlegeljem: ez valójában a legjobb nekem, másoknak, s ha őszintén nem, akkor gyakorlati utat keressek megváltoztatni, akár magamat is, akár a személyiségem, a karakterem, a preferenciáim is megváltoztatni: ez munka.

Számomra nyilvánvaló, ha képtelen vagyok megváltoztatni magam, megváltozni: mi a garancia arra, hogy aki vagyok, valóban én vagyok? Ha én egyszerűen termettem, ilyen lettem, ilyen vagyok, s valójában még önmagam sem tudom megváltoztatni magam, akkor ezt valóban tudatosság?

Valójában tudatos vagyok? Tényleg öntudatos vagyok? Mit is jelent ez?

Megértvén miért is lettem, vagyok ilyen, s az, aki most vagyok felelősség: képessé válok akár megváltoztatni is: önmagam teremtése a tudomásomra kerül, s maga a teremtés már megtörtént, nem kell folyton teremtenem, már egy teremtmény vagyok.

Ezt tudatosítani felelősség, mindarra, amiként, és ahogyan ITT vagyok.

Mindenért, amit ITT tapasztalok, felelős vagyok és ki más szabja meg határaimat, mint önnös önmagam?

Ebből kifolyólag saját magam döntöm el, miért is vagyok felelős, mi az, ami ITT van és képes vagyok felelősséget vállalni és mérlegelni, mi is valójában jó az alapján az egyszerű alapelv alapján, hogy mi az ami ITT minden résztvevőnek úgy tapasztalható, hogy "jó".

Mi az, ami mindenkinek a legjobb?

Ezek érdekes kérdések, ezen lehet dolgozni, mint munka.

Nem a pénztárosi napi 10 órás időtöltés vagy a profi ajtókeret exceltáblázatokkal való árulása vagy az ásványvízpalackozóban a gépsor mellett raklapokra sorbarakni a 150forintokat érő vizet.

Az nem munka, az túlélés. Mi az, ami a túlélésen TÚLmutat s ITT van? Ez az élet?

Tehát ITT folytatjuk

[JTL 77] Önmegbocsátás: gondolatok

Kezdjük az elejéről:
Gondolat

Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy elfogadtam és megengedtem magamnak, hogy gondolatok jöjjenek a fejemben egymás után és ne realizáljam, hogy ennek a kiindulópontja az, hogy tartok valamitől, nem látom át direktbe, nem vagyok teljesen tudatában és a gondolatokkal, mint a múltam bizonyos állomásainak "konklúzióiként" próbálom újra és újra ugyanazokat a pontokat felhozni magamban, hogy megértsem, mi is történt és éppen most pontosan miért nem vagyok képes direktbe, itt és most lenni, bízni magamban, belső ürességben, egységben és egyenlőségben magammal és a valóságommal, mint egy és egyenlő.

Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy nem engedtem meg magamnak realizálni, hogy a hangulatok, kedvek, amiket tapasztalok magamban a gondolatok felhalmozódása a tudatomban, energetikailag a testemben, anélkül, hogy valaha is átláttam volna az összefüggéseket, hogyan is működik az elmém, a tudatom, a testem és a lényem valójában, hogy realizáljam az 1+1=2 egyszerű matematikai egyenlet erejét mindenben, amiben részt veszek és ismétléssel felhalmozok, itt, mint saját magaban, mint gondolatok, mint belső reakciók arra a kiindulópontra, hogy megpróbálom megérteni a godolattal a pillanatot, belsőleg szinte automatikusan reagálván szavakkal a külső valóság élményeire.

Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy elfogadtam és megengedtem magamnak, hogy azt gondoljam/képzeljem, úgy definiáljam/lássam, hogy a gondolatokkal, mint a fejemben megjelenő néma párbeszéddel okosabb, értelmesebb, bölcsebb vagyok, ezért bármikor már automatikusan "gondolkodóba esem", erre jogot adok az elmémnek, magamnak, mint elfogadható, természetes miközben ezt a belső párbeszédet úgy definiáljam, mint aki vagyok, a gondolatokkal teljesen azonosulván, szinte vakon higgyek annak, amit gondolok, folyton, pillanatról pillanatra, percről percre, óráról órára, napról napra, hónapokon és éveken át és ezt az egész folymatot és annak eredményét úgy definiáljam, mint aki vagyok, önmagam, "én" anélkül, hogy valaha is kételkednék vagy józan paraszti ésszel megvizsgálnám ezt a folyamatot, ami szinte magától értetődőnek tűnik és ezt úgy definiáljam, mint az élet.

Megbocsátom magamnak teljes ön-őszinteségben magammal, hogy nem fogadtam el és engedtem el magamnak realizálni, hogy akár csak feltételezzek, figyelembe vegyek, mérlegeljek, elképzeljek egy olyan létet, tudatállapotot, amiben nem gondolkodom, hanem direktbe megtapasztalok mindent, anélkül, hogy a belső párbeszédben érveljek, győzködjek, ítéljek és definiáljak a néma hangommal a fejemben bármit is valaha, s bízzak magamban, mint a fizikai valóság pillanatában annyira, hogy ne is forduljak befele a fejembe, a gondolataimba, hogy azok segítségével próbáljam értelmezni, megérteni, definiálni, mi is amit tapasztalok, mit is kéne tegyek és valójában miért is.

Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy nem engedtem meg magamnak realizálni a gondolat szóban benne foglalt GOND részt, hogy esetleg feltételezzem, hogy a GOND-olat egy olyan kiindulópont egy olyan következményre, ami nem a valósághoz direktbe kapcsolható, hanem a saját értelmezésem, percepcióm, nézőpontom, érdekem és valójában az eddigi életutam és körülményeim, interpretációim, véleményeim és személyiségem az, amin alapszik, ami igazából önmagam és a valóság között egy szűrőként működik, hogy megvédjem magam a valóságomtól és megmondja ki is vagyok és mit is kell csinálnom, mert a pillanatban, nem definiálva, teljesen ITT a jelenben, belső csendben, önmagammal békében, harmóniában jelenleg képtelen vagyok, ezért GONDolkodom annak reményében, hogy gondtalanság állapotába vezessem magam, amiben tudom mit miért teszek és ki vagyok és mit akarok.

Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy nem engedtem meg magamnak realizálni, hogy a gondolat tette, elfogadása és szemlélése ön-őszintétlenség, mivel a pillanatban figyelmem a gondolatra téved, a momentumban a tudatomon áthalad a gondolat: energia keletkezik az elmémben, felidéződvén az, mit is jelent az a szó az én saját elmém szótárában, milyen emlékek és definciók, kapcsolatok és asszociációk tartoznak ahhoz a szóhoz és az az energia mozog bennem, ha tudatában vagyok annak, ha nem és ez az energia felhalmozódik az elmémben és a folyamatos gondolkodással személyiségem HANGulatait teremtem meg, mintegy a belső hanggal belebeszélem magam energiaállapotokba, amik által automatikusan elfogadom és definiálom, hogyan is vagyok, anélkül, hogy megkérdezném magamtól, "Hogyan is teremtem és vagyok felelős az önmagam hangulataiért?".

Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy nem engedtem meg magamnak realizálni, hogy a hangulatok által definiálom, hogy jó- vagy rossz kedvem van, aktuális tudatállapotomtól, valójában önnös-önérdekemből kifolyólag, s ha jókedvem van, természetesnek veszem, hogy "jól" érzem magam, anélkül, hogy megkérdőjelezném az élményt, ami pusztán matematikai felhalmozódása bizonyos energiai reakcióknak a testemben a gondolataim, definicióim, azokra történő szinte automatikus reakcióim által, de sosem firtatván ezt, mivel valójában úgy lettem nevelve, programozva, hogy a küldetésem, feladatom, célom, hogy "jól érezzem magam".

Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy nem engedtem meg magamnak őszinte lenni magammal annyira, hogy amikor "rossz kedvem van" és nem vagyok "jó passzban" vagy "nincs jó hangulatom", ne legyek annyira őszinte magammal, hogy tudatára ébredjek, hogyan is keletkezett ez bennem, vagy ha igen, mégis természetesnek és nyilvánvalónak vélni, hogy bizonyos dolgokra valamiképpen reagálván ilyen állapotba kerülök, még ha ez nekem "nem is jó", hiszen a reakciók, definíciók, amik automatikusan feljönnek bennem, azok mondják meg ki vagyok és hogyan érzek, mert erre jutottam, ezzé váltam, ez "tűnt a legjobbnak" "így vélekedni", ezáltal ebben vakon bízván elfogadom a hangulataim, kedveim anélkül, hogy realizálnám, hogy ezek jönnek és mennek, és valójában időnként teljesen ki vagyok szolgáltatva nekik, mikor is úgy tűnik, hogy nincs választásom, holott én teremtem az egészet a kezdetek kezdetétől.

Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy nem engedtem meg magamnak realizálni, hogy ha olyan körülmények, események vesznek körül, érnek, jönnek, amik valójában nem támogatnak engem abban, hogy egészséges, őszinte és virágzó életet éljek, hogy ilyenkor a reakció, hogy "rossz kedvem" támadjon, nem, hogy nem helyes, hanem a legesleghelytelenebb, hiszen a körülményekre nem a valóságban reagálok, hanem csak az elmémben, amiáltal a valóságban minden marad úgy ahogy van, elfogadom és megengedem, hogy történjen, míg belül egyre erősebben reagálok ezzel az automatikussá vált reakcióval, hogy úgy definiáljam, hogy "rossz" és ez a hangulatomat, lényemet, jelenlétemet befolyásolja.

Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy nem engedtem meg magamnak realizálni, hogy amíg elfojtom a reakcióimat magamban, úgy ítélvén, hogy nem illik a hangomat felemelni vagy kifejezni, hogy is tapasztalom magam, mert akkor mások mit gondolnak - azzal elfogadom és megengedem, ami körülöttem van, mert magammal, a hangulatommal, a reakcióimmal vagyok elfoglalva.

Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy nem engedtem meg maramnak realizálni, hogy amikor gondolkodom, az nem önmagam vagyok, hanem egy belső visszacsatolási rendszer, amely egy és egyenlőként mutatja meg nekem, mivel is nem vagyok valójában egy és egyenlő.

Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy nem engedtem meg magamnak realizálni, hogy amikor gondolkodom, úgy tapasztalom azt, amiről gondolkodom, mintha el lennék különülve tőle, teljesen szétválasztva, tárgyiasítva a gondolkodó, mint én, a gondolat tárgyát, amiről-akiről gondolkodom és magát a gondolkodást, mint aktivitást és ezáltal az elkülönülés által nem vagyok képes egy és egyenlő lenni azzal, amivel kapcsolatban gondolkodom, amiért valójában gondolkodom, s emiatt nem vagyok képes teljes mértékben, úgy tapasztalni a gondolatom tárgyát, ami valójában, mert a gondolatom kiindulópontja az én saját érdekem, saját folyamatom, saját életem, saját GONDolám, amiben ülök, megpróbálván rávetíteni arra, amivel kapcsolatban, még ha csak egy pillanatra is, de GONDban vagyok.

Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy elfogadtam és megengedtem magamnak, hogy rászokjak a gondolkodásra, mint belső párbeszédre és folyamatosan képes legyek követni, mialatt is nyilvánvalóan kiesem a fizikai jelenből, a direkt valóságból, a közvetlen ITT tapasztalásból, vagyis minden egyes gondolat megtörténtekor valójában az elmémben, mint virtuális térben vagyok ITT, ami pusztán belső, elme-energia, a fizikai valóságra nincs befolyással, csak azon keresztül, amit én engedek, hogy legyen, azáltal, amiképpen én követem a gondolataimat és azonosulok velük.

Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy elfogadtam magamnak addikttá válni a gondolkodásra, anélkül, hogy valaha is felmerült volna, hogy ezáltal korlátozom be és előredefiniálom magam, s valójában elkülönüljön az én-önmagam-lényegiségem tapasztalása a fizikai valóság, mint a saját emberi testemtől, s azt csak, mint egy eszközként tekintem, amelybe beleszülettem és soha sem mérlegelném, hogy valójában az emberi fizikai testem mindaz, ami valódi belőlem és egyúttal a kiindulópontom és a következményem is, itt, mindig itt, minden pillanatban.

Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy elfogadtam és megengedtem magamnak, hogy a kiindulópontom, hogy ki vagyok és mi vagyok az elmém legyen, a gondolataim, az érzéseim, a hangulataim, a kedveim, az emlékeim, a tapasztalataim, s nem az, ami a legstabilabb, a fizikai testem, mint amiben jelen vagyok és lélegzem megállás nélkül.

Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy elfogadtam és megengedtem magamnak, hogy úgy definiáljam magam, hogy akkor vagyok életben, s akkor élek, amikor gondolkodom, attól élek, s vagyok aki vagyok, ember vagyok, hogy gondolkodom, ahelyett, hogy realizálnám, amikor megszülettem, nem gondolkodtam.

Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy elfogadtam és megengedtem, hogy a gondolataimban bízzak saját magam ITT helyett.
Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy nem bízok magamban, de a gondolataimban igen, ahelyett, hogy realizálnám, a gondolat jön és megy, nem én irányítom és feltételekhez kötött.

Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy soha sem realizáltam, hogy a gondolkodás, mint "tett" valójában nem tett, hanem annak ellentéte, s, hogy amikor gondolkodom, magamban beszélek, magamnak érvelek, mert nem vagyok egységben magammal, pusztán a gondolat kiindulópontjával vagyok egyenlő, amit nem realizálok micsoda, mert nem vagyok tudatában a gondolat első megjelenésének, keletkezésének, feltételekhez kötöttségének és pontos ismétlődésének sem, pusztán, mert vakon bízok a gondolatokban, azok sodrásában, s azokra történő reakcióimban, még ha teljesen ésszerűtlen és következetlennek is tűnik, ezzel is bizonyítván, hogy automatikus beidegződések, fizikai események, érzések stimulálnak bizonyos gondolatokra, amiket szintén nem látok, sosem figyeltem meg.

Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy sosem vettem a fáradtságot, hogy megfigyeljem és lejegyzeteljem a gondolataim ismétlődéseit, természetét, eredetét és ciklikusságát, s ezáltal nem lévén tudatában, hogyan és miért is lettem az, akiként most tapasztalom magam, mint a gondolataim következménye és eredménye.

Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy sosem realizáltam, hogy a gondolataimnak következménye van magamra, a világra és az egész létre, abban a hitben élve, hogy gondolataimat csak én hallom, csak rám van hatással, mert nem lévén tudatában a tudattalan, a tudatalatti, a tudat, az elme működésének.

Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy sosem bátorkodtam annyira őszinte lenni magammal, hogy beismerjem, realizáljam, emlékezzek rá egyszer s mindenkorra, hogy a gondolat valójában az elvesztéstől való félelem következménye.

Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy sosem voltam annyira őszinte magammal, hogy realizáljam, amikor gondolkodom, valójában félek, s, hogy ezt a félelmet próbáljam meghaladni, gondolkodom, gondolok, reagálok belül, hogy megpróbáljam áthidalni, eltakarni, elfolytani, feloldani, megérteni, megoldani, meghaladni ezt az elvesztéstől való félelmet, anélkül, hogy realizálnám, mitől is félek valójában, s mivel is igazolom a gondolkodásom, miközben fogalmam sincs mit miért is teszek valójában, de arra is lévén automatikus gondolkodásmintám, azt is igazolom automatikusan, kitartván az utolsó pillanatig, amíg csak tudok, ahelyett, hogy beismerném, hogy az elvesztéstől való félelmem által addikt lettem a gondolkodásra, a belső menekülésre, az elkülönülésre, az Ön-őszintétlenségre, amiként is feladtam önmagam, elvesztettem önmagammal való hitelességem és képtelen voltam tovább őszinte lenni saját magammal és ezt is igazoltam magamnak.

Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy nem realizáltam, hogy az azonosulás minden bármely gondolattal, hangulattal, érzelemmel, FÜGGETLENÜL azok tartalmától, tárgyától, mind egyet eredményez: szenvedés és önpusztítás, és a Lét pusztulása.

Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy nem vettem figyelembe, hogy minél önzetlenebbé válok annál, aki most vagyok, annàl jobban magamat segítem, aki valójában vagyok.

Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy nem realizáltam, hogy önző vagyok, bizonyítván a ténnyel, hogy továbbra is azonosulok bizonyos gondolatokkal, bizonyos érzelmekkel és bizonyos hangulatokkal.

Megbocsátom magamnak a tettet és tényt, hogy elfogadván és megengedvén azt, hogy a "saját hasznomat" fontosabbnak tartom figyelembe venni, mint más hasznát.

Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy nem vettem figyelembe a saját hasznom és más hasznát, mint egy és egyenlő. Az én hasznom más haszna is: más haszna az én hasznom is. A kettő NEM LEHET elkülönülve a Fizikai valóságban.

Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy féljek az én személyes énem, mint egy egó személyiség elvesztésétől, ami "szerez" és "veszít", "jobbá válik" és "rosszabbá".

Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy nem realizáltam, hogy én, mint "egy egó a testben" a gyökere MINDEN konfliktusnak, MINDEN vitának és MINDEN szenvedésnek, amit az életem bármely pillanatában tapasztalok.

Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy nem vettem figyelembe az "egóm egy testben" hozzáállásommal, ragaszkodásommal mind magamhoz, mint "más emberekhez" történő következményre: szenvedés, önmagam élvezete MÁSOK KÁRÁRA és kényelmes élete MÁSOK SZENVEDÉSÉNEK ÁRÁN.

Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy nem realizáltam, hogy a az egó személyiségemhez való ragaszkodásom a testben MEGÖL engem.

Megbocsátom magamnak, megengedtem magamnak, hogy ragaszkodjak az egó énemhez.

Aki esetleg előre "dolgozna", angolul elég sok van publikálva a témáról, csak ízelítőül:
http://wiki.destonians.com/Self-Forgiveness#Thoughts.2FFeelings.2FEmotions
http://desteni.org/a/munchin-thoughts-the-unknown-secret-of-creation


Ez az írás része egy 7 évig tartó írássorozatnak, https://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/, melyben a világ minden tájáról emberek megosztják mindennapi realizációjukat, megbocsátásukat, változásaikat, gyakorlati útjaikat, hogyan is szabadulnak meg saját elméjük korlátaitól, elhatározván, hogy komolyan veszik a Desteni Módszereket.

Létezik egy Desteni Magyarul facebook csoport is.

Köszönöm, folytatás következik...

[JTL 76] Reviewing priorities

Some native language Self-forgiveness I will write meanwhile I write on composing and perfecting and compressing the current post for Drugs & Paranoia Research and other writings. I actually enjoy it but takes time and then I realize - nobody yet written about that before with this starting point so I find it to be important and supporting for myself and others so when realizing it: I find it to not being difficult to work on it for hours.

I've noticed I am effective within writing when I take turns - first the draft, second is structuring and third is finishing the points. At least.

Mostly I write my blog in one sitting - I sit down, I write it and I share it and if I have some time I might re-read it on Networkedblogs via the subway and correcting the bigger mistakes.

But I've accumulated some dissatisfaction within me by allowing some parts and some points to be not perfect - in terms of walking points fully or leaving typos and misspellings or even the sentence not being simple and clear even for myself, what is unacceptable, so then I do not share when it is not yet ready.

But in the meantime I could write some Self-forgiveness and Self-correction at least in my local language - that is also faster and more simple because I am natively speaking/writing in Hungarian - meanwhile with English I am comfortable with already but still sometimes finding words/meanings and making grammar and meaning-related mistakes. It takes time and what is time but Decision - I have time for what I want. Of course beyond my working hours for money. But at times when I write daily I see that I have a slight inner movement within that 'I should continue my music exploration' and 'I should learn more animation' and even 'I should edit/cut more videos' meanwhile I see that within prioritizing writing Journey to Life and Agreement Course is THE priority. Time. Always limited.

Before I was accepting myself when I had guests or I had activities what took my whole night, that then I did not write. But recently I've pushing myself into direction that I write every day - at least in the morning I wake up and a half an hour - but then that is not enough.
Also within walking the Agreement Course assignment - I write quite some and not many times I share from that, only when specifically wanting to share.

But I see that I've stabilized so much within writing - and even my Hungarian has improved as I write English the structuring of words - and recently only writing in Hungarian only when writing long emails to local people I know - and I see that I also improved by that so I will write Self-forgiveness in Hungarian for a while meanwhile the Paranoia Research and other writings will be in English.

In the meantime I realized I had issues and problems with working on my 'art'-related projects by wanting to 'fully' work on those for instance for a full day but that was very rare and I've realized that it was an excuse to not progress by subconscious resistances.

I mean I've set up a high-end audio equipment at home and my only excuse now is that there is more priority to use my time for the writings but I've realized that with video I've moved beyond this limitation as I am able to just load the video project, work on it for some minutes/half an hour and then closing it and actually I am able to progress with those... So if I really want, then with music I will be able to do so...For instance it took a half year to finish a video clip but now it is done still could be better but it is acceptable for me(what is something lol)- and I've worked on it quite a lot but never more than 1 hour in a session and now I see that there are about a dozen video projects I am doing and randomly I progress with some - and also I've noticed that whose I am being asked by and in fact 'pushed' by others - I see as 'threat' for my 'fragile' schedule and writing commitments so I rather not do those by myself unless the person is taking the time and come to sit with me and then we do it together - however some of those projects has 'deadline' and I've decided to finish those so I will find time for those anyways - yet still keeping the writing as priority.

Okay, so this is it.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to schedule my time according to common sense and prioritizing the tasks based on Self-honesty without inner judgment/conflict.
I forgive myself that I have judged myself that if I want to do something then I am able to do it only when I do not do anything else on that day what is way too much and in fact is excuse for not doing it at all meanwhile I've proven to myself that I am capable of doing things from time to time slowly but surely.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to share posts in my blog as imperfect meaning allowing typos, grammar mistakes and even not understandable sentences because of rushing and hurrying and being tired and not being present while typing and not reviewing it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify and by that skip sounding Self-forgiveness and Self-correction and Self-commitment and projecting it doing so in the future wherein in fact I will have an other 'new' post what with I do the same and not realizing that within Sounding my words I am able to see that am I equal and one with the words or not and if not then I will face the lack of specificity within time looping the Self-dishonesty and then I will become aware of that part of the same point meanwhile I could make sure to walk it properly within absolute Self-honesty in the first time, what is common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not having enough time and fearing from not being who I defined myself to be because not having enough time to do things which by I could define myself as doing so therefore my personality being experienced as 'real' as who I've defined myself to be and not realizing that all self-definition is based on a certain fear what if I do not realize how I've created, I am the result of my self-dishonesty until I do not realize and stop.

Desteni I Process LITE -free-

[JTL 75] STOP Automatic Energy Desire

Equality as Self

This belief that I need to equalize myself based on external conditions I am letting go through stopping to give permissions to react automatically in each moment.

I feel like I am exploding - it is some sort of depression - not as people refer to it as 'bad feeling, not wanting to do anything' but as strong, slow vibration what makes me busy to observe it all the time and wanting to understand, to end yet not doing what is common sense: STOP.

It is like a holding back - because it is getting too much but judging that I can not solve this self-holding-back by raging therefore just suppressing within a hope that this experience will go away and not considering that this is me.

Also it is tricky, because when I focus to it(by reason and starting point of 'interest') - as myself - it is volatile - it seems to be many different things - project-related difficulties, physical tiredness, health issues - and even it can occur that when I really corner a self-dishonesty within me - within directly facing it - as myself: I become equal as one and it starts to direct me as it is - and even my starting point is to completely stop this aspect of me - within facing, stopping, I react to it and within reaction I automatically activate myself as this part of personality and then I go with the self-defined character for a while and then when the energy of the 'initial' facing reactions as thoughts/feelings/emotions go away - I realize I've been fooled with myself - it is something like that, it is strange to write something like that but then it seems to be that schizophrenia as paranoia is part of the 'normal' human - but I am not sure I can perceive or 'define' myself as 'normal' anyway...
So the self-definitions I react to and that is energetically making me 'high' from which I shift personality and activate other reactions within self-definitions totally automatically - within my interest.

Suppressing that automatically reacting is okay however each time I really see within - I do I feel it as madness.

I always know what I do - it is deliberate - and mostly it is of this belief that 'one last time' - or 'soon hopefully I will be able to stop' and 'well, I do not know why I do this, but then I do it anyways and I will see, if I am not Self-honest, then I will be one time anyways, it is inevitable'. And this is foolishness to remain so.

The energies within come and go - high and low, polarity as positive and negative - within all sorts of cycles and loops - some are happening by seconds, some by days, months, probably some by years. But my Self-awareness, as Consistency and Presence is not CONSTANT to remember, to understand, to even realize this - therefore I am always this 'I of consciousness' in each moment - completely different yet the same person as human - but always different from within as energy - yet not realizing, seeing it.
It is like when I make time lapse video by taking photographs one in a minute for a day and then I make it as video, meaning 24 minutes is a second, 4 hours is a minute and a day is 6 minutes. And then I see that video and I see patterns what I could not discover without seeing it in a 'broader' time frame with different rhythm. That is Self-honesty within Presence - not going INTO the virtual reality of the mind - but remain here - and see the tendencies what I allow myself to 'be wanted to go into' the mind - and then I see that each day is the same - fear from loss, desire for satisfaction, sexuality, money, fame, power etc.
To see who I am regardless of time - because IN the time I am allowing myself to be equal as one with what I experience and what I react with and as. And then this is who I am and it is only what I require to see - everything else is coming and going. Apparently automatically.

This sexual desire for me is like that - I see it is coming, I accept it as 'something' yet I create it in the first place by reacting to bodies, sounds, pictures, experiences - accumulating and not realizing meanwhile - by not being present and when it is present as 'solid' - I notice it and then it already influences me. Fascinating.

Sexual desire is a bit tricky for me - it is same as the drug - I experience that I suppress it as 'need' and then from a point it 'wants' to be taken over - I mean I want to be taken over by what I suppress as myself, because myself here within direction I can not express this aspect of myself therefore wanting to build a system within what will do it for me.

But that is not who I really am but I build it anyway. At least to see is it really me?
Then when it takes over I observe - acting myself like a fool meanwhile feeling cold, distanced and then after a while the energetic charge is so strong, I just want to release and discharge and then promising myself: after this last release I will change.

But I say it only for to trick myself to justify the release again and then I will be tired and then off from 'energetic high'.

And doing things based on that means I will deliberately charge energetically within again in order to take direction and when I 'am energetic' - it is too late - too much automation I see and observe but not stopping it as the result of self-judgment I do not experience it directly as it is: myself, but as a thing I observe as needing to stop.

And then I stop - and then I fight, I force, and then I let it go and then I react and I judge and then I suppress.
Basic personality. I am stopping.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself that I require sexual expression, sexual arousal, sexual release to equalize myself.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when I am unable to direct myself and I react to this 'judgment' I am going into thought with I manifest feelings what with I form emotions to balance out/suppress down/justify and deliberately suppress by distraction/stimulation/obsession.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that allowing myself to react a state wherein I perceive myself as 'I am unable to direct myself' is a result of thoughts, feelings, emotions of self-judgment of fear what must be investigated within absolute specificity to understand the starting point and the practical application of how to PREVENT myself to accumulate pre-programming of myself through and as self-defined personality and character what takes over and direct me in the name of myself based on my interest meanwhile I am not able to be fully here, consider common sense, all others equally.

I forgive myself that I have never considered myself to realize that in the moment I give into the energetic reaction as automation - I diminish, I only go into a journey deliberately within hope to not end up the way as I do all the time - by realizing that it did not work to satisfy my and actually not daring to be self-honest that the only way to be satisfied is to always be self-honest and stop the inner reality of myself what with I superimpose who I've defined myself to be as outer as who I am as person/character in this physical existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from getting what I want and to showing, sharing what I really want by judging myself in the first place as of 'self-interest' what defining as 'bad' therefore acting the opposite meanwhile still hoping for fulfilling my interest without being judged by others and then by that: indirectly by and as myself as my origin, starting point of: self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have not considered myself as interest of myself and missing the meaning of the word of 'in the rest' and not considering others but my own interest.

I forgive myself that I have not been able to directly see when I am tired as mind consciousness and when I am tired as human physical body simply because being occupied within the mind as the mind as thoughts, feelings, emotions to tell me who am I and whenever the thoughts of mind says that I am tired - I actually am experiencing myself as tired..
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a tendency when I define myself as tired to close my eyes and trying to rest and after a couple seconds realizing that I am thinking about unrelated things from the subject and daydreaming without realizing it immediately.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program myself to give permission to automatically think when I do not focus to physical reality and not considering why and about what.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accumulate thoughts/feelings/emotions into manifesting desires within me what drives me, what moves me, influences me, directs me and when I am realizing it I define myself as separated from it, I perceive as something nothing of me but something within me as not me and wanting to force myself to stop following it or allowing myself to automatically act according to it meanwhile not considering to stop and see what and why I am doing within what starting point.

I forgive myself that I have not considered to realize that desires I've manifested and stored and suppressed within and as me because I could not deal with accumulation of self-dishonesty of perceived separation of self-definition to avoid direct responsibility for fear of loss and manifesting as something I want or I want to avoid but not directly as myself here undefined as unified but as and of as flow of compartmentalized mind-states, conditioned energetic reaction experiences within self-automation.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within defining energy is what moves me, if I am not able to define energy, then nothing moves me and who I've defined myself to be as energy is not present, therefore I am defined as lack of energy and allowing myself to not move by this definition of lack as separation from myself based on the experience of energy, the judgment of lack of energy as who I perceive myself to be meanwhile it is irrelevant for and as the physical reality, for human physical body.

I forgive myself that I have not been self-honest with myself in terms of applying stopping within each moment when seeing I am moving by self-definition because not even realizing that I am moving based on self-definition.

I forgive myself that I have NOT assisted and supported myself to specify and be aware to the absolute degree that what 'feeling' is real as me here as physical as my beingness and what is a 'feeling' of personality of energetic mind of personality of self-definition of thoughts and using this 'not knowing' as excuse to not direct myself to remain here.

When and as I seek for sexual release I realize it is of self-definition of character as accumulation of thoughts/feelings/emotions therefore the need and urge will not stop being defined who I am and what I must do in order to manifest who I am from the starting point as the mind - but the PREVENTION to react thoughts, to allow myself to follow and react to thoughts and give permission to thoughts and reacting to those as valid and as who I am - accumulates into energies if I do not stop and remain not reacting within Self-direction: therefore I stop reacting with thoughts to things related to sex, sexuality.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to map out within and as me what I react to as sexually arousing and then becoming aware of how I've automated myself to react with energies what I define as myself and then compounding to actually requiring to let go and defining myself within the 'energy compounding' and 'energy releasing' and this cycle perceiving as who I am meanwhile in fact being aware of that this is 'not really me' yet not stopping.

When and as I am daydreaming by following thoughts while I am awake - I stop, I realize it will cause consequences what I have the tendency to use as excuse of 'energy over me' and I stop it before accumulates, I remain here undefined, I remain here as breath as active, directive presence even when I am not moving my body.
When and as I give into the temptation of sexual energy, desire to act - I stop, I breathe, I let it go and I am re-align as breath until it is not present and I am empty - and I realize this is only wasting time and I will timeloop to the same point again unless I stop and not stop by force of judging this happening as 'bad' but as Self-honesty to decompose and practically stop participate within the thoughts/feelings/emotions I've defined myself to be in relation to sex and sexuality.

I re-align myself with and as presence when I am closing my eyes I remain here, breathing, as body, as limbs, as my trunk, as my head, as my feet, as my hands, I am body as one body as here as present as physical as life.


I commit myself to stop desire for sex to be equalized in each breath and I am consistently re-align myself with the self-direction to see when I try to manifest desire by judgments of separation of fear and I allow myself to let it go - I direct myself to let it go as part of myself what I believed to be real but not anymore: I am here as physical, that is no desire, desire is not required but Self-direction with and as the Physical within Absolute Self-honesty in each moment equally.

I suggest to start writing daily because it is only ourselves who we can explore/realize/stop our own mind while we are gifted with days when we are able to allocate time for practical Self-realization - this is not something what we all humans have - mostly people are busy to survive, to stay alive - if you are in the situation that you can choose, I suggest taking the time to write within Self-honesty and Apply Self-forgiveness each day because our days are numbered and what remains here is the physical as manifested consequence of each act we do or each acceptance what for we do not do to stop.
Explore Life-skills at http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

[JTL 74] Seeing points within to correct

Being in musical festival again and seeing points within:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look women within the energetic reaction to self-definition of hope that I might will have real physical experience with someone fulfilling my desire for a relationship what with I will be whole with and meanwhile not realizing that my starting point is of separation from myself here and wanting to stop the experience and the reactions to this personality of separation from myself because not experiencing myself fully here and wanting to find/have/be defined by and automatically reacted to someone who with I can be what I experience not being in this moment.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that this personality of separation from others and the world I experience is of thoughts/feelings/emotions within I've taken refugee as who I've defined myself to be and re-echoing within me as me to show equal as one what I am accepting myself and how in fact wording myself into self-separation from myself here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to smile at people within the starting point of if I am kind then hoping that the other will be kind as well and only 'good' experiences we will share and not realizing that it is a part of a polarity of self-judgment as polarity as 'negative' balanced out with hope for 'positive'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from experiencing things and events happening with people what I will see as negative and bad and wanting to avoid that by hope and actually acting 'positive' and perceiving and expecting that the 'other' should be the same.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the act of 'being positive' and 'expecting' is an energetic state what within I am in a feeling what is not me as it is of conditions and if I am changed and behaving in a way while being in the 'feeling' then I am not real because this feeling will not remain, but only until this 'being positive' and 'expecting' personality I feed with thoughts/physical postures/feelings/emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define hug according to memories and 'should do'-s and 'should not do'-s and not realizing that if I superimpose who I am in the moment based on self-definition then the action/experience I will face will be tainted with the starting point of self-definition of actually why I want to hug or not hug for instance 'desire to feel woman body closely' or 'fear from being hugged by someone I do not like her and I want to remain not liking her'.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that writing/saying Self-forgiveness with 'for instance' is not specific enough, it is letting doors open as conditions what I am not aware of - meaning 'maybe', 'probably', 'hopefully' instead of directly approaching the point or directly not approaching a point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge someone who is different than me by the definition of difference within me, specifically when someone is playing music in a way what I've defined as 'zombie' and 'almost sleeping' and 'not present' meanwhile I am not fully sure how he/she is in and as the moment or not - and going into self-judgment in that moment the only real responsibility for me is to stop self-judgment-projection and to stop myself NOT remaining to be here and be Self-honest in and out breath within consistency.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I act based on belief of who I must be as who I am as character as Talamon - I am pre-defined, pre-programmed and per-ordained based on my opinion formed in the past wherein I was not consistent within Self-honesty therefore I can not trust anything I've defined in and as the past who I must be, how I must be.

When and as I look women for energetically react how much I find her attractive or seeing the chance to form relationship with her for fulfilling me I stop - I realize I am acting based on starting point of self-definition of being not whole and lacking as separation from myself therefore I stop and I breathe and I embrace myself fully here and allow to experience fully who I am in and as moment as presence here without energy, without judgment, without fear and desire.

I commit myself to stop energetically react to women who I see and I stop judging them as how attractive or not attractive I find them to be for me based on picture presentation and I commit myself to stop seeking for somebody to fulfill me but stopping myself and seeing what I am not experiencing within and as me based on self-definition and manifesting that as separation from what I miss within and as myself here.
I commit myself to become aware and stop each inner reaction towards manifesting desires within me towards women for the experience of fulfilling me as I am constantly aware that based on mind's desire I will not be fulfilled only as long the energy reaction lasts what is temporally therefore within desire and seeking based on self-definition and separation I only lose myself in a path what leads far from being myself here therefore I re-align myself with each breath - inbreath, outbreath equal as one.

When and as I act as positive in order to hope to attract positive I realize it is of self-definition of fear from negative therefore I allow myself to become aware of this pattern in each breath and I stop it as myself and I direct myself constantly to not participate within polarity of judgments of what is positive and negative for me.

I commit myself to stop define what is positive and negative for me and stop hoping for positive in each moment equally unconditionally.

When and as I express Self-forgiveness with the words 'for instance' - I stop, I re-define, I specify and re-align myself with and as the expression of absolute specificity within Self-forgiveness as myself to avoid uncertainty and hope.

I commit myself to Walk Self-forgiveness Application within the Specificity and not allowing to just 'happen' and then manifesting time loop and walking the same point again with more and eventually absolute specificity to face the fact that I could be more specific in the first time.

When and as I judge someone as different than me I realize that it is of self-judgment projected out to someone else to not realize that I am judging myself but not wanting to face therefore separating the judgment from myself and projecting it out therefore I stop it and reflect it back to myself as equal as one and taking responsibility to see within what is the starting point and I stop it and re-align and re-define myself within Self-honesty and Apply the Self-forgiveness within specificity to stand as Living Correction immediately.

I commit myself to stop judging others as remain within the realization that I project out self-definition to others to not face that I am within separation of myself therefore I stop allowing myself to act based on self-definition and projection to others in and as breath, each.

When and as I judge someone as attractive or not attractive I realize I am not here, I re-align myself here with and as breath.

When and as I hug by definition of I should do it for something or I should not do it for something I realize it is of the mind - I stop it and I use common sense within absolute Self-honesty to direct myself on about hugging.

I commit myself to stop defining hug and stop attaching words to the word hug and I am one and equal with and as the word hug - I am expression as hug as equal as one and no reason, no reaction I accept to the word or act of hug.

When and as I react to memories and definitions of who I am as character as Talamon - I realize it is of fear of mind based on definitions and I am hiding behind of self-automation based on words I am not aware of, I am not equal as one therefore I stop myself as character of Talamon and I re-align myself with and as all life here as equal as one as myself undefined, physical, breathing.

Check out Life Skills with Practical Self-honesty: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com - it is free and many walks it for Self-support and at least one should try before judge if wants to be more than experiencing oneself today and not being satisfied or want to change but facing difficulty or seeking for more what we seem to be or trying to be more effective but facing difficulties to be more successful etc...

Self-realization/perfection Audio interview: Invaluable for education for the future of Earth:
http://eqafe.com

[JTL 73] Response to rainbow illusion and success

I've seen this post today on RAINBOW FAMILY ON FACEBOOK group's wall:

It's theoretically the 'hippies'. I enjoy visiting gatherings as it can be quite cool except sometimes too much spiritual brainfog for me. I've answered to this post there but I am sharing it here as well:

 

XYZ: "In this ILLUSIONARY World, One creates One's own Illusions . Create the Illusion that I am Successful instead of that I am a failure"

Tala: Illusion always remain illusion, just like this opinion - stop pretending that this world is illusion - why the success anyway if it would be not real? Take responsibility for what is here, as the physical, that is real - you touch, you feel. Eat, dig shitpit, drink water - that even is not 'free'. Requires that success, right? Success means money, means food and care, no problem, only if one wants to pretend that is illusion, as whatever doing so for 'be successful', meaning not taking responsibility for our actions by referring to 'illusions'. The only real success is what is best for all - food, water for all at least. Until that is compromised based on opinions and justifications of 'illusion' and 'success' within self-interest meanwhile it is common sense that we are here all equally in and as the physical in a system what defined and proved equality to be illusion and success to be real only for those who having money - then failure is when we keep pretending love and light is solution meanwhile that is a result of success, what comes from seeing what is NOT illusion, as this world, physical existence. One perceiving creating illusion only reflecting back equal as one that living in and as only the mind, what is illusion, simply can be proven if not taking breath for 2 minutes - physical air with physical body - then all illusion creation of and as the mind is gone for ever. So let us redefine words what we can LIVE in and as physical and the mind equal as one, practically.
This rainbow stuff should be ground-zero, stick to Real Earth in the first place, that Real Gatherings also show: kitchen, nature, kids, practical knowledge-sharing, workshops, acceptance, yet not allowing abuse, practical equality within sharing the basics what all really require such as food, water, shelter, body care - and then om circle and group hug can be fun but let us not fall into the trap of any agendas of any latest 'spiritdual' stuff - breath of life in each moment is also illusion? Then why even we would need success if this is not even real? Enjoy breath, ufffffff. I watch this group since a while, I rather express first than just leave but that is no problem either. But if we keep resonating this illusion crap (no personal offense) meanwhile law, corporate power can direct the system to allow people,groups,interests to buy and harvest any forests, rainbow will soon will face being illusion as well in this physical Earth.
I suggest we all start finding practical solutions to accumulate financial stability (yeah: success, really) and invest on buy the land, property, forest, everything and form groups to take responsibility really for the children to come as ourselves.
Thank you very much. Talking stick to the physical.
See you at the foodcircle and the shitpit;)

[JTL 72] How Drugs Promote Paranoia Research Part 4

Let us walk through the Self-dishonesty expressed within the previous post to see the already manifested PROBLEM within and as Self as faced as PARAnoise of and as mind of thoughts:

• [JTL 65] How Drugs Promote Paranoia Research Part 3

Apparently this might not seem directly related to drug but as within Crime's journey to Life: Crime against Life: Drug use blog series also showed: it is about the self who is taking the drug. So as mentioned some paranoia before - I give an example how to start to open to practically be Self-honest within these points to actually start realizing who we really are and why these things come up automatically within ourselves in moments such as being drugged.

I forgive myself that I have not able to consider, never allowed myself to see/understand/realize that I can directly move myself - without strategies, tactics, methodologies, stimulation with what I made myself react in a way I want to move myself indirectly - instead of directly equal and one I am movement as Self here.

I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to realize that how practically move myself directly in and as the moment without the noise of the mind, the paranoia of I require anything else than myself to direct myself.

I forgive myself that I have never considered the possibility and the availability to directly explore who I am and what is going on here and what I am supposed to do without external influences, without external stimulation, without any substances directly, here, constantly and immediate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself who I am and how I react according to external circumstances such as having a private area or not, having people around me or not, hearing loud music what stimulates me or not, how the people are behaving - by these I am exposing myself already manifested as automatically reacting with self-definitions what currently is who and what I am so until it is not stopped - I am not directing myself therefore:
I forgive myself that I have never considered the common sense to stop influences directing me based on already existing and accepted and gave permission to definitions within me regarding to where I am who I am with and how I experience myself as mind-state.

I forgive myself that I have never considered to explore practical ways to stop being defined by and as circumstances, others, effects of substances and drugs and directly experiencing, directly expressing, directly accessing myself as constantly being here without any separation, any path to reach or feel myself who I am here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and conclude myself to that I require chemical, mind-altering substances in order to realize who I am, what I am doing and what I am supposed to do because directly here I've defined myself and programmed myself into and as automatic reactions what with I give permissions to my systematic aspect of me to not being able to experience, express, direct myself in and as the moment unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have never considered that I've concluded to use psychedelic drugs in order to have an experience of myself because I've programmed myself to not be able to direct myself to being intimate and self-honest with and as myself and by the energy of the drug, the effect to the mind, the experience of the 'drug-trip' I want to change, shift, alter myself as mind and not realizing that it is because I've defined myself as the mind and given permission to the mind to be who I am and be defined and influenced and directed by and as self-definitions what I can not see/experience/direct/stop to access who I am as myself here directly therefore wanting to need something to overcome/to alter/to stop this distance from myself what I've defined who I am and by the drug/substance/trip I want to understand/stop/transcend without understanding how I've created it, how I am maintaining it and how I attempt to fight it with and as energy.

I forgive myself that I have never realized that the energy of the mind can not be stopped to be influencing/directing within and as me without understanding to the utmost specificity of how I've created it/why I've created the energetic experience through thoughts/judgments/feelings/emotions/personalities/characters what I gave permission to my mind to use them to define/direct and in fact be me because I could not find/access/experience myself directly here what I experience as an absence, hollow, imperfect what I want to overcome/stop with the starting point of not working but I do not realize it is not working.

I forgive myself that I have never considered that the drug effects/affects the mind and the mind is the very manifestation of my self-dishonesty within specific practicality about how and why I've limited myself so if I use the drug to to hide into the mind or entertain myself within the mind or even try to stop the mind: it is self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe within those who walked before me and published writings/speeches/movies/art about how they were able to use drugs to transcend and never realizing that they might be wrong and I wanted to believe and I wanted to have this way working so I hoped within and I projected this that if I am lucky this might actually work to be free with the drug and when I was able to experience myself differently  - I judged that as freedom already simply by being different and not using common sense that I am still of and as self-limitation within and as the physical and an experience will only help and assist me to see what must be done in terms of how fucked I am within and as the mind but it never can actually help or do for me the job itself what is required to walk without the drug moment by moment to walk through the self-accepted relationships of words by what I define and limit myself and practically stop each specifically within the full understanding of how I've created, why I created delusions.

I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to realize that the reasons and circumstances I've defined as 'good for' taking drugs is the result of self-definitions, self-limitations as part of the religion of self as personality as matrices of characters what I've used to live instead of me, automatically.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that paranoia is that when I face a judgment within and I can not stop it and I stuck and I make it believe and eventually I believe it as if it would be real and by that and my initial judgment towards it I react automatically without questioning it.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that paranoia is when I listen to thoughts of mind, feelings of mind and emotions of mind to tell me how I feel, what I should do and who I am because in the moment I do not want to see/experience/realize/understand/live the fact here who I really am as manifested self-dishonesty.
I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to realize that making habit of taking a drug is paranoia because by the experience induced by the drug I want to experience reality and myself based on the alteration what it makes within and defining it as preferable and interesting and cool I am not aware of that it is to hide from myself how directly I would experience myself here without the noise of the mind induced by the drug.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as not really being a party boy meaning feeling discomfort and uncertainty and awkwardness at parties because I've defined myself as I am not this type therefore in order to balance out/equate up this energetic experience what automatically activates when I am at party - there are other automated definitions and judgments are being activated/experienced as specific thoughts/feelings/emotions what I am not aware of and I do not acknowledge it and I do not even want to see/hear/realize because then I would become aware of that all is of to hide the original self-judgment what is that I do not know who I am and I do not know what to do but by these definition-judgment-experience-chains I am experiencing energetic movements and I am able to move within party apparently determined therefore judging myself as I do know what I do and therefore judging myself furthermore as being aware who I am as what I do.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that by judging party as cool and useful and psychedelic I've gave it positive value and by that defining it worthy and by the worthiness I equate out the fact that I do not feel comfortable and myself at party.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I can direct myself, I can access, experience/explore/express myself in any moment if I am self-honest with myself and any judgment is self-judgment projected towards what is perceived to be real but is not.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the only real is my body and what I do physically here and how I am breathing and what starting point and principle by I am expressing myself.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the more I judge something the more I experience it separated and the more I give permission to my mind to automatize myself to judge the subject of my judgment by simply seeing/hearing/touching things/beings and therefore automatizing reactions and then judging this automation of judgment as reality and myself and then by judging that whole process as life meanwhile I am completely missing what is directly happening here within and as the physical as myself.

List of paranoia:

I am giving some examples what through one can start explore one's SELF, these are some of mine to give reference

• Paranoia from being busted by police/authorities

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being busted by police and not using common sense that is it really a possible scenario and if so then I simply calculate the possibility and if happens then I am able to say: I was aware of it, I've prepared, I've defined it worthy to have a chance and then when it would happen then I would be simply here without fear because to fear from it until it does not happen and not doing anything to avoid it is not practical and in fact self-honest - and when it happens then it is happening already directly so therefore nothing to fear from it - at least meanwhile thinking about the consequences and fearing from those because of losing of something - but that is also self-dishonesty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I will be lucky and I won't be busted and having a fear from it and trying to balance it out with an other inner reaction of thoughts/feelings/emotions by 'if it will happen, then it had to therefore it is better to give permission to 'fate' to decide what will happen.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that going against the government and if it finds out it - it will always be inconvenience, punishment and rejection because the government is the very reflection of my mind as myself and doing equal and one with me what I am representing currently as relationship with my mind.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to use common sense and take responsibility for myself and if there are, then for others who might be involved with the consequence of being busted, restrained, punished by law enforcement and using energetic reactions of hope to balance it out and not realizing that hope is always a complete delusion when it is not practical and I did not do anything I could to PREVENT what I hope to be avoided.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that PREVENTION is always the BEST CURE because it is always the simplest to STOP before things become physically manifested - and after it consequences will be physically here what can not really be prevented anymore because by and as the mind things once directed into and as physical manifestation - that will remain here.

• Paranoia from being awkward, behaving strangely

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being awkward and fear from behaving strangely and fear from someone would notice that I am high because then I would fear that I would be busted.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to take responsibility for what I am doing in any moments because I feel like I have to hide what I am doing because I fear from consequences.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself how I behave and how I act and fearing that I am not acting properly therefore others judge me as strange and awkward and defining who I am based on how I think others judge me and not realizing that it is irrelevant and anything I think others would judge me is in fact myself only.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being judged by others as awkward and therefore having the starting point at times that I think that they judge me as awkward and then as I think it, I do not want it yet I am not fully sure that they actually think it but then I am lost from here as real and I have conflict within as having the fear from being judged by others meanwhile I am judging myself and projecting out.

I forgive myself that I have never considered to accept myself and trust myself unconditionally and if required taking time and effort to remove any conditions what blocks me to accept and trust myself within consistency.

• Paranoia from judged as not acceptable, outcast, weirdo, ugly, unattractive, crazy etc

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as not accepted, outcast, weirdo, ugly, unattractive, crazy etc by defining others as acceptable, normal, nice, attractive and having a definition about what is normal and what not meanwhile not realizing that what I define is only my momentary interest and subjective and never real.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to thoughts to tell me who I am and who others are and not realizing that within trusting thoughts, I am not trusting myself here and the very judgments I accept and allow within is the result of specific self-dishonesty what I missed to realize, understand and stop participate by not being here, not being aware of why and how I react within automatically.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the very judgment of being outcast, not accepted, weirdo, unattractive, crazy, ugly within me for me indicating that I want to be accepted, normal, attractive, smart, nice meanwhile for some reasons I've did not acknowledge I came to conclusion who I am based on these judgments meanwhile I am simply who I am as being here, undefined, physical, direct.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to constantly judge myself within time loops as not accepted, outcast, weirdo, ugly, unattractive, crazy because of the energetic reaction within and accepting and defining myself that this is me meanwhile I am giving into the energetic temptation of resonant fear from being aware what I directly am doing as not being here but obsessed with ideas based on fear escaped within my mind wherein having the perception that I can not be touched, I am myself and me however not considering: never real.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if define myself as inferior within by defining others as superior automatically - I am the result of accumulation of self-judgments programmed into flesh and to stop it requires decision, dedication, consistency and understanding how I did it and expressing the inversion of it - meaning not participating within is required to accumulate to direct my physical to let go the programming.

Paranoia from doing something what is BAD for somebody else because I am not really myself being extremely twisted by hallucinations/delusions/realms/dimensions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from doing something what is BAD for somebody else because fearing from losing my direction of what I do and within allowing myself to do things automatically actually not trusting within me that I will not harm others by defining myself as I might harm others without being aware of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automate myself with thoughts, feelings, emotions and trust within these instead of myself here and giving permission to self-automation to direct, control me and within that not trusting within my own self-automation therefore not trusting within myself here and my self-programmed automation as well here therefore not trusting within really anything but not acknowledging to myself that I switch trust from one to another before realizing I do not trust myself and my mind either therefore I am confused, within fear until I do not walk practical application to stop myself in which I do not trust within consistency.

Paranoia from harming myself in a way that I am not aware of for instance winter time not taking coat while being in the snow on acid - it does not seem relevant however it matters for the body

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to trust within myself that I can experience what is bad for my real part as physical body and become obsessed within the mind with experiences which through I am deliberately disregarding how I really feel, what is supporting and what is not supporting me here.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to stop within following thoughts, pictures, feelings within common sense as self-honesty and experience myself as physical directly and being overwhelmed to an extent that I can not take responsibility for my human physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard to be aware when it is cold, very cold, freezing cold while being on acid and focusing to everything else but my physical body, as skin, as temperature, as common sense and even thinking or judging that I am alright and I will not get cold because I do not feel it bad and only after the experience of high will go I will realize that my body has severed from disregarding it as equal as one as regarding what is not here as experience within the starting point of self-dishonesty.

• Paranoia from becoming too high, taking too much, what will be inconvenient/unpleasant/surreal/creepy

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to use common sense and my brain to actually investigate what is too much and what is real what is not real and taking refugee within experience rather than what is directly here and judging, defining, reacting to it as separated from me, actually being lost within the experience of judgment and defining real only the process of inner judgment and reactions to it as other judgments with reacting to the words of inconvenient and unpleasant and surreal and creepy.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that my human physical body has limits what if I do not consider I can harm it with overwhelming, overexposing to substances what actually make me experience my inner reactions and perceived mind as real meanwhile the only reality is how and who I am physically being, acting, living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as being too high meanwhile not realizing that there is a polarity within myself as defining based on my interest of what is enough high, not enough high, too much high based on judgments, experiences and experiences of judgments without being aware of my responsibility and in fact act of power I give into self-automatism through thoughts, feelings, emotions.

• Paranoia from not becoming enough high, taking too less, the stuff is not strong enough

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to defining when I am enough high by defining myself as experience based on past, memories, pictures, images, sounds, meanwhile comparing my current reactions to previous judgments and defining who I am in the moment in relation to the interest of wanting to be 'properly' high what is of self-definition.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not acknowledge to myself that I fear from taking the drug meanwhile wanting to be high and meanwhile fearing that it will not have effect, not having enough effect on me therefore I must remain who I do not want to be defined by myself automatically for what I do not have direct power to but with substance I can catalyze my mind to change perception of who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and become paranoid from disappointment to not have the experience what I expected to have based on the substance, the money I've spent on substance, based on what the one promised who gave it to me, based on my previous experiences meanwhile not realizing that within these judgments I completely disregard who I am here as breath, as physical, as Life.

Paranoia from meeting someone who with my relationship is different, for instance a boss or parent of a friend, a girl to I wanted to be presentable as smart and not violently stoned for instance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take full responsibility for who I am in each moment for everyone without self-judgment and defining values towards people by playing personality and character and fearing from people's judgment of how they would react if they would see and experience me meanwhile I am high on drugs by fearing losing them or their friendship or fearing being exposed of what I actually do and being paranoid of this thought of someone I know might appear and not being able to let this go especially if once it happened already by judging me and the place and the chance that it might repeat and then I will be screwed and not realizing that this is not real, I can stop reacting within fear by considering chances and decisions and actually do something or not but not being able to stop thinking and fearing indicates that I am not really myself fully here but of and as already manifested systems of fear.

• Paranoia from losing my papers/phone/money while having wild party for instance trance dance on acid

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from losing valuables what I have with me because while being on drugs or doing intense movements I might not be aware of losing the things and thinking about it or checking of still having it or not constantly and not realizing that if I fear from it and I do not ensure not to happen I am responsible for a pattern to react to with fear based on who I allow myself to be.

I forgive myself that I have never considered to prevent things to happen when it is simple and obvious and then I can practically stop worry and be responsible and ensure that the outcome will be what I want - here that I do not lose my valuables for instance by putting it to safe place or using pocket what will not be open.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow fear and thoughts to what I react is fear to overcome and direct me and not realizing that paranoia is when I experience the fear and I allow it and I allow myself to be driven crazy as possessed with the fear and the reactions to the fear without being able to stop and use common sense.

• Paranoia from someone approach me and wants to talk with me

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I can be directive and self-honest with me in each moments by default and if someone approaches me to talk and if I do not want to I can express myself so directly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not being able to speak or speak properly when someone would approach me while I am being on drugs and thinking about it and fearing from happening without realizing that I've lost my self-direction and I can re-align myself to stop fearing and I can be practical and if someone approaches me and I can not or not want to talk, I can express myself so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being judged as crazy, nuts when not being able or not want to talk to someone who approached me however I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to consider that if I do not talk to someone when approaches me or I try but can not then there are consequences as others might react with their beingness who they are and I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I can not direct situation fully with others especially when I allow myself to be directed by drugs therefore the only think I can do is to use common sense and take responsibility and take the drug and take my chances or not take the drug and direct what I've defined as important but to think about it and become paranoid about it is self-dishonesty and there are ways to stop being so.

• Paranoia from the idea of no one wants to talk with me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to thoughts to tell me who I am and how I am and be influenced by the para noise of the mind of no one wants to talk with me and then reacting to this with emotions, feelings, sadness, bitterness by defining myself unworthy and judging myself as worthless and not considering to stop and investigate the starting point of such inner judgment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be aware of that I want to talk with someone by definition and when unable to judge myself as doing so I experience conflict within between who I define I should do and who I experience myself doing and then I judge that I am not what I want to be what I define as bad therefore this bad to I react within and then generating feeling of sadness instead of directing myself to stop and remain here.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I want to talk with somebody then I can direct myself with no judgment to actually approach somebody who I want and simply talk.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become paranoid by listening and defining myself through and as the noise of the mind as thoughts, feelings, emotions meanwhile I am here, I can direct myself to do or not do things without the backchat within and it is not self-honest to actually go into the mind and talk to myself based on judgments made in the past.

• Paranoia from losing myself in any way whatsoever

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have develop a paranoia within based on self-judgments about an idea of I can lose myself in any way whatsoever meanwhile the only reason I can come up with this if I listen to thoughts and disregard my physical body what is always here, where I am actually.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that fearing from losing myself means that I define myself who I am according to thoughts, feelings, emotions what to I've given permission to come and possess me automatically, based on circumstances, reactions and allowing me to tell me who I am and how I am and what I am meanwhile completely disregard common sense and self-honesty to be aware of who I am here in and as the physical where my body is busy breathing.

• Paranoia from a girl wants to be with me and I can even barely talk

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I am paranoid from possibility that a girl would want to talk to me and I fear I would be to do so means that I want to be approached by a girl to talk and I allow myself to be defined by judgment of I can barely talk meanwhile it is an assumption based on memory.
I forgive myself that I have not been self-honest with myself in terms of I allowed myself to experience desire for to be approached by a girl to talk because I defined myself that I can not approach because I've defined myself as I can not talk but still holding onto the idea that it would be great to be approached by a girl, even when in fact I can not talk and not be able to direct myself to decide what I want: to be high to a degree to not be able to talk or to talk with a girl and not being able to use common sense and direct myself to decide what I want and then just reacting to myself and to outer impulses and not realizing that I am not here but of judgments, of judgments of judgments manifested as fear, worry, paranoia.

• Paranoia from screwing my mind permanently and 'losing it'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become paranoid of taking drugs I might become screwed permanently and losing it meaning losing my self-direction because heard/read/listened to stories when someone went crazy/screwed/lost it apparently by taking drugs and remained so that could not stop reacting with the same loop within what started on drugs and fearing that I might be like that.

I forgive myself that I have never acknowledged to myself the fact that I've given permission to thoughts, feelings, emotions within to automatically come and influence, possess, direct me and never considering that these are the noise of the mind what if I listen to and get used to it and not direct myself to use common sense, self-honesty, self-forgiveness to stop one by one, then I am in fact lost it, lost within myself but I can decide to let go of what is not real by disregard and stop and remove each and every single inner reaction one by one and using the tools of writing, sounding, applying self-forgiveness and direct myself to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from damaging my brain, my body by taking too much chemical substances what would harm my body, my ability to be normal, to operate preferably and not being the director in my life to PREVENT overtake, to be responsible for my body as myself as equal as one.

I forgive myself that I have never considered that what is to be normal and operate preferably is but of self-definition of self-interest based on opinions of who I must be and if my automatic inner reactions as thoughts, feelings, emotions as internal feedback system would reflect back to me that how judge how I experience myself is not how/who/what I want to be experienced then I judge it and myself as I am not normal, preferable and not taking self-responsibility for what I am and what I created as myself by the accumulation of thoughts, feelings, emotions but blaming the drug, the substance for what I has become and never realize the common sense to actually dare myself to direct myself to stop each inner reaction of fear of paranoia practically.

• Paranoia from being photographed while on drugs and being published on social media/websites

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to take responsibility for each moment of my life equally and fear from to be ashamed, judged, punished by others if the world, the system, people would realize what I actually do and how I actually look while being high on drugs and not considering that if I go to public place there is always a chance to actually be photographed and it is irrelevant how I think about it how I stress myself with the reactions about it but to look that actually what I can do about stopping the paranoia within of thoughts, feelings, emotions in the first place and if the fear is so extent then using common sense to decide is it worthy or not and if decided as worthy then taking the risk.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define who I am within as perceiving how others judge me based on picture presentation of me such as photo, video, sound recording and believing that what other things about is influences me but not realizing that I've missed to see/understand/realize that in fact I influence myself by the paranoise of the mind and lost common sense and practicality within fear of being exposed who I am in and as all moments.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to consider to actually do something within self-honesty and not of and as fear of paranoia about not being photographed if I do not want it yet not even considering why in the first place I do not want to be exposed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being ridiculed, judged as screwed or simply as unattractive and then fearing that people would define and box me like that therefore not being able to be who I want to be because others would judge me differently and that I've given permission to allow myself to judge and influence me.


Solution:

The same way is with Self-correction. I write and script up how I stop and PREVENT myself to go into direction what is not Self-honest and I've already realized and want to be aware of - want to slow down the automation and see in and as the moment and take responsibility.

"I must LIVE the correction in the moment when the self-dishonesty comes directly - and I MOVE, I STOP, I REALIZE, I LET GO - not the drug makes me doing so. That is different."

So then I write a possible screenplay what would be the best when for instance I fear from someone approaching me to talk when I am unable or not want to:

When and as I start to react to the fear of what if one would want to come to talk to me - I realize it is a fear as memory and it might actually happen regardless of I think it - so rather than I take responsibility and see that do I want to talk or not and if not then take responsibility for 'this time I do not want to talk' - or this time I will talk - and if not working then I will say okay, enough.

When and as I fear from being judged as rude or being rejected as unwanted because in the moment I do not want to talk - I use common sense what is more important - the decision to walk to not talk or to consider the other to talk and I do not think about this and I do not become unsure - I just decide and act - and if I change myself then I can express doing so.

When and as I fear I can not talk to somebody I see within myself why I am unable to talk to this person and open myself up to see without judgment.

When and as I go into the fear within about somebody wants to dance with me - I let it go, even if it means I literally stop for a moment and I remain here.

So that can be practical way to assist and support oneself to prepare and script up for being able to stop paranoia, stop reacting to inner judgments.

When and as I disregard what is here, what are of my sense, what my direct beingness I represent as expression as who I am and going into thoughts, feelings, emotions, I realize, become aware, I remember that these are patterns what I've walked already, I've already made the decision, expressed dedication to change, to stop - I am letting go the hope and belief that following thoughts, feelings, emotions I actually live, I actually solve and I actually realize therefore I commit myself to not participate, not react to it, yet not use any force, but directing myself to let go the thought, feeling emotion whatever it says, no matter what is the topic - I trust myself here as breath of life.

When and as I fear that without drug I am unable to explore and enjoy myself I realize it is a perception and it is accumulation of acceptances and allowances one by one and whatever big it seems to be, the simple math of 1+1=2 assists me within focusing always to the most bugging point I face as self-dishonesty and work,transcend,remove that until it's done and then the next point I do not look after, I express myself here and if self-dishonesty I see, I direct myself to stop.

When and as I fear from not being able to let go the drug because of judgments and justifications come up within me - I realize the drug is only catalysator for already manifested issues within me what I suppress/boost, therefore if I want to stop it is common sense to investigate myself without drug.

When and as I experience paranoid thoughts about being busted - I realize it is my responsibility for what I do and I should take it as who I am whatever it is and consider what is best for me and for others equally and acting that within common sense I can learn to trust myself - and to risk going to jail is mostly possibly not the best way to do so.

When and as I fear from things I do not have power over especially when being high - I let go fear.

Understand that this thing can not really go on while actually taking the drugs meanwhile - because this is NOT a guide for how to take drugs, it is NOT a tool for how not to become paranoid by taking drugs.

It is for those who are able to realize that the decision has been made to stop the noise of the mind and experiencing how unreal to trust in any experiences while being on drugs mostly - because one is mostly not absolutely self-honest, mostly "not seeing the forest from the trees" how we say here around - and there are exceptions and there are ones who can actually use the drug for unrevealing SHIT as SYSTEMS of MIND to realize in what extent we are SCREWED already - but who experiences lalala-land and beautiful rainbows and enormous love and joy and happiness - that might not really assists one within self-realization.
So this topic is for Self-realization, no matter what, even if it means to let go ALL what we happened to realize until this moment, meaning ALL - even the definition of 'table' or 'cup' or 'duck' can and should be questioned as all our definitions are interconnected to many others and the 'association' and 'creativity' is nothing but a graph of already programmed personality system what might be personally cool to experience but it is not what it means to be fully here because self-definition requires disregard of what is here therefore if one focuses to inner self-creation of reactions of thoughts, feelings, emotions - that is not real.

So it is absolutely a serious point of Self-honesty about the drug question and to realize how extent we are already living in the paranoia of the mind - and when one takes the drug - and the mind is not empty - then that already 'contained' inner judgment set will be amplified, twisted on drugs, alright?

So Self-correction for specific situations can assist and support oneself to script up and remember and be aware, and actually make the body learn to be deprogrammed as self and actually living that in all moments.


When and as I fear on drug, I stop it might seem valid - it is not specific enough - it is like to say when somebody attacks me I protect myself - it is not really matters - I must learn my body to react to specific ways in certain scenarios for example to deflect a punch with real practice - not enough to read about it, not enough to write down my decision.


So these are some examples how to START to explore what is the reason for the specific paranoia. By taking the direction of and as SELF here to investigate and not just accept and allow every inner reaction but to dare one self to actually become aware of the starting point of each thought/reaction and see and question: is it really relevant?, is it really matters?, is it really who I am or is this with I want to live as myself within a specific perception/belief/opinion?

And within writing Self-forgiveness one is able to draw a map of one's mind, how is it reacting to what and why. Writing Self-forgiveness is a Self-expression which through we can develop practical, consistent Self-honesty to explore practical Self-intimacy to go inwards within ourselves to see is this really what I want to stand for and as in my life? Can I embrace myself as existing currently until my last day on Earth? Can I take responsibility for what I accept and allow eternally? What is the best for me? What is the best for all? These questions can be and will become relevant once one starts to practically apply Self-honesty and actually see what is NOT in fact Self as Life and the responsibility is to stop what is Self-dishonesty - regardless of drug, regardless of other people, regardless of anything.

Once one starts empowering oneself with real Self-honesty and the dare to actually STOP what is Self-dishonest - the drug becomes less and less relevant(if it seemed to be).

REWARD
To see what is actually happening within and as the mind while on drug and what is what of paranoia - and not accepting that by default, not just choose distraction, or more force(more stuff) - but actually investigate - writing, talking, expressing it - what remains and can be cross-referenced - to see what is the reason of specific paranoia and to see that 'I can stop it if I understand it and how I created myself to do it actually' is the first point and Self-forgiveness can assist and support to explore Self-honesty and to take responsibility for what 'I do realized but not wanting to do again because this is not who I want to be within Self-honesty'. And to see that did I only write Self-forgiveness or actually LIVING it here in the moment unconditionally?
Quite a cool self-reflection within practical expansion of awareness.

And if one perceives that requires to take high amount of mind-altering substances in order to 'break through' and 'dig into' and 'have a grasp' - then it is obvious that this opinion is already of self-definition of limitation what one wants to break through by not actual, direct Self-movement within Self-honesty, but the FORCE of the drug, the experience, the energetic frequencies within and as the mind what will not last and all the reactions experienced meanwhile can be and should be questioned as if one's starting point as the mind is tainted with Self-dishonesty and based on self-definitions of self-interest - then even with the HIGHtening experience of drug: the starting point is the same, therefore all is just a perception.

To explore what it means to be really real entails constant, consistent expression of being in this world but not of this world.

To be continued...

Meanwhile you can check out EQAFE wherein there are some assisting interviews for a better understanding of the energetic mind and how we allow ourselves to be trapped by our own self-dishonesty: