Tű fokán

ez egy lol

tehát az tény, hogy ezt most elhanyagoltam, és az angol blogba írtam főleg, de végülis nekem mind egy.

Realizáltam, hogy nem kell több szart eltűrjek, én én vagyok, más meg más. Még ha tisztában is vagyok azzal, hogy az egység és egyenlőség mindenütt mindenben mindenre és mindenkire mindig mindenhol igaz is, pont azzal támogatom magam - és másokat is mint magam, hogy nem vagyok hajlandó egy cseppel se kevesebbet elfogadni, mint aki valójában vagyok.
Egy és egyenlő mindennel, mint élet, mint önmagam a pillanat, mint saját magam a légzés.

Ezért nem kertelek(nem kell saját elme-állat-kert), egyenes őszinte és közvetlenség vagyok.
És nem félek ezt, mint magam kinyilvánítani bárkinek. És ezt ki is fejtettem a vlogomon, igaz azt is angolul, de hamarosan gyártok pár magyar videót, mert az is sokat támogatna, meg engem is meg anyám is, meg akárkit, akit éppen.

Egyértelműen látható, hogy mire megy ki ez az egész, és hogy milyen egyszerű is az élet, és mily módon belebonyolódott mindenki a részletekbe, és el is felejtette, hogy honnan is jött, meg mi is van valójában...de nem igazán, csak úgy látszólagosan, hogy ne kelljen felelősséget vállalni.
És a sok barátom, senki se látja, csak az az érdekes, hogy miként és mikor és miért definiáltam barátokat. Speciálisan egytől egyig, melyiket mikor hogyan miért...
Definíciók az elmében az elméből.
Ez az öntudatra ébredt tudat szó szerint egy program, ez szó szerint átvette az irányítást minden és mindenki felett, és ez már őrület. Ha tudnák az úgynevezett barátaim, mennyire súlyos is ez, megkattannának , ezért inkább nem is realizálják - mert az a megkattanás annyit jelentene, hogy minden amit most úgy definiáltak, mint önmaguk - egy pillanat alatt elveszne..
Mint a film Bourne. Jason Bourne elfelejtette ki is valójában, és 3 igazán kemény küzdelmes film során tudja meg, mint főszereplő, hogy ki is, és az nem egy választás, inkább egy önmaga által elhelyezett labirintus, melyből ugyanúgy kimászik, ahogy belemászott, és ugyanúgy visszaemlékezik ahogy sorba elfelejtette.
Ez ugyanígy van velem is. Sorra tárom fel a lezárt kapukat, mert többé nincs titok, és többé nincs mit vesztenem, vagy ha van, hát tágra nyitom magam, vesszen - ami elmegy, az nem is én vagyok... Hogy képes legyek hagyni az életet, mint a fizikai testem, mint a lélegzetem élni, pillanatról pillanatra, és nem hagyni, hogy részt vegyek ebben a tudat-rendszerben, amire az elmével csatlakozok, a kis bezárt irányítószobámban...és csak hagyni hogy lélegezzen a testem, mint én, nem hagyni elválasztani magam ezzel az elme-tudat rendszerrel, hanem csak itt lenni, mindig itt, feltétel nélkül itt, mindig saját magam lenni, mindig képes lenni elviselni önmagam, örökre, amilyen vagyok, mert ez a pillanat és ez az ami csak itt és most realizálható.
Itt és most, és sokmindenki beszél erről, de senki sem éli minden pillanatban.
És ez lehetséges, nem egyszerű, de tényleg csak egy elhatározás, egy végtelen mértékű kijelentés, (statement) az egész, és utána nem elbukni, nem elesni, nem visszazuhanni, nem visszabújni az elmébe, hogy ne kelljen itt és most lenni(vágyódni, múltazni, jövőzni, tervezni, GOND olkodni) mert ÉN, mint MAGAM mindig itt vagyok -- de ha az elmémmel a tudatban mászkálok, az sosincs itt...az csak illúzió, az csak a félelem miatt van.
És sorba jönnek nekem itt az úgynevezett barátok, akik beszélnek itt a szabadságról meg rendszerről, de senki sem kezdi legbelül, ott ahonnan ered, inkább bújnak, futnak, hibáztatnak és terelnek.
És ezért is én kénytelen vagyok meghúzni a vonalat, hogy ez itt a tű foka.
Aki egység és egyenlőség mint légzés mint élet és ezt bizonyítja is magának és látható is, az az akiben bízhatok, feltétel nélkül, mint én, mint egyenlően és egyként - - a többi még nincs ITT.
Mert ez itt és most van. És ez nem leválogatás, ez nem nácizmus, ez nem elkülönítés, ez az, ahogy az egységesítés működik. Gyakorlatilag csak így tud működni itt és most, abban amiben vagyunk.
Tehát így van.
Tehát akinek a kiindulópontja egység és egyenlőség az én vagyok, a többi pedig most éppen nem én. De kurvára nem. Tekintve hogy éppen hogy viselkednek, miért viselkednek így és különösképp minek tartják magukat, aminek én magamat többé nem.
És ez látszólag ugyanúgy elkülönülésnek tűnik, hogy én elkülönülök tőlük, meg a tudattól, pedig ez csak tűnik - ahogy bocsátom meg magamnak, ahogy fejtem visszafele, ahogy nyitom ki magam, ahogy válok egyre intimebbé saját magammal, és ahogy egyre jobban megértem magam, mit miért tettem, választottam, hogy haladtam meg - - úgy egyesül minden bennem, minden egyként egyenlően -- még a tudat is, még az elme-tudat rendszerré vált emberek is --
és ezzel magam is támogatom, és őket is, mert megmutatom nekik, kik is ők most éppen,
és, hogy ki vagyok valójában, akik ők is, csak továbbra sem választják a felismerést, az ön-őszinteséget, ön-megbocsátást.
És ez addig megy, amíg minden lény itt nem realizálja, hogy egység és egyenlőség. És fogja.
És fogja, mert már egy bizonyos szempontból ez megtörtént. Ahogy mindig is megvolt, de most itt van. Ahogy a tudatban egyre kevesebben vesznek részt, ahogy egyre több elme realizálja azt, hogy le kell álni feltétel nélkül - úgy az egész leáll.
Mert halálkor mindenki realizálja. És az a legkésőbbi pont, addig lehet húzni a játszmát, nem tovább. Mert akkor a halál mint a tudat egyként leáll mozogni. A félelem a haláltól elkerülhetetlenül manifesztálódik - és az elme-tudat rendszer semmi más mint ez a félelem a haláltól, ami amint bekövetkezik, elmúlik.
És ez elkerülhetetlen, csak nézzük..megszületéskor már egyértelmű, hogy meghalunk, hogy elveszítjük az elmét, a tudatot, akkor miért ne állítsuk le saját magunk itt és most, ezzel szimbolizálván kik is vagyunk valójában az örökkévaló életként, mint egy és egyenlő mindennel.

Én az életet választom, ami az elme-tudat halálával kezdődik. Pontosabban a meghaladásával, az pedig a megértésével, az pedig az őszinteséggel, az pedig az önmegbocsátással, az pedig a döntéssel, arról, hogy ki is vagyok valójában. Minden pillanatban. Itt vagyok és akkor én vagyok, tényleg, aki vagyok tényleg, mindig, végtelenül, minden mindig, feltétel nélkül - vagy egy feltételes program vagyok, aminek van kezdete és van vége...
Tehát teljesen felesleges ezen kattogni.
Ha elkezdted, fejezd is be. Mindent...legyen az bármi, definiáld azt bárminek.
De az biztos, hogy a rendszer nem élet, a rendszer csak egy program, és a programok törölhetőek. Halál után ráadásul a sok adat, ami nem élet el is veszik, mert igazából, az örökkévaló élet szempontjából nem számít - tehát felesleges ragaszkodni ezekhez a definíciókhoz.
Tekintve hogy mindent a félelem szült, ez az egész elkülönülés is azért burjánzott el ennyire, mert csak gyűlt gyűlt a szénaboglya, amíg fel nem gyúlt és most ég.
Minden ebben a világban kép természetű, mint a .jpg vagy a .gif.
És ezzel azonosultunk. Ezek után vágyunk, ezektől félünk, ezek vagyunk. Látszólag.
De ez még semmi, csak őszintétlenség. Minden képnek ugyanaz a természete.
Lehetséges mögé és belelátni minden képbe, oly egyszerűen, mint a légzés - csak ki kell kapcsolni az elmét - semmi gondolat, semmi érzés, semmi érzelem, semmi belső reakció - - és feltárul minden...Egy lenni mindennel és egyenlő... Ez az élet és ez az, ami vagyok.

Sister scripter

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to thing more special than my sister Kata.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define my sister less than myself.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to abuse my sister trough words and phisical pain.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to exert my anger torwalds to my syster.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed my anger and anxiousness and my sister was the one who I definied as human target because she had no power of me.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to program my sister to being less than me.
I forigve myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not being absolute honest with my sister as the moment of myself as me.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to try to escape from my sister.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from my sister.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not taking responsibliity for my sister.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to behave with my sister as who knows everything.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to cause pain to my sister trough saying her that she is ugly and fat.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to separate me from my sister.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself that I separated me as my sister from myself.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to let my sister alone.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel guilt about let her loss in the system.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to not assist my sister unconditionally as me as one and equal when she asks or she requires to meet.
I forgive myself that I never allowed to love her unconditionally.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become the ego of the mind and forgeting that fact that when she was born I loved her so much and hugged and kissed.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be jealous to my sister about the attention from parents to her from me.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become this attention needer little energy vampire.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myselt to forget myself.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not allowing myself to breath as life as me as my body as one and equal as me.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am the responsible of my sister's misery.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to wanting to carry other's burden what is not really me.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to forgive myself what I have done.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to let other to forgive themselves.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to let other to forgive me.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to become this mind consciousness system.

She just called some days ago and will visit me if her plan does not changes, but actually just wants to jump up to me to speak with me and as I am aware about this, she could be in very big shit if she dares to do this as she always definied me as a strange boy who always thinking about death and strange things. But that is also my definition.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that my sister actually is thinking about me as who is always thinking about death.
Death is not real. As we are already dead, so let's birth life from this phisical.
Breath here
I breath here
I breath here
I breath here
I breath out
Hold
I breath in
hold
I breath out
hold
I breath in
Hold
I breath out
that's it
that is the placement what is me and even does not matter the price what my mind definied to being able to remain this silence breath and
look this is another point as i am breathing in and hold and breath out and breath in and breath out after hold and breath in and hold and no other but still experiencing this keyboard and as I write this a slightest movement occures as definition about keyboard
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold for a sec to definie keyboard and fingers as separated entities as definier definition and definied and that is the basic trinity of separation of mind consciousness system what is not really me but at this moment I formed this habit to operate this for not wanting to be the presence of me as who I am as self-response-bility as who I am as oneness andd equality as life.
I breath in
I hold
I breath out
I hold
I breathi n
I hold
I breath out
I hold
I breathj in
I hold
I breath out
I hold
I breath In
I hold
I breath out
breath in
hold
breath out
hold
breath in breath out
no need more if yes than is an unconditional self-forgiveness to release this bound.

Where should I start? II.

STOP!

START TO STOP - to be able to realize the inevitability of STOP.

Put the question:

Am I ready right here, right now, at this moment to remain in and as infinity as who I am now?
Because there is no more than this moment. And if in and as this moment me - as my starting point, as my deepest expression is not as what I would like to be infinitely - than that means something should change in and as me - because there is no more than this moment. And the next moment is also this moment - as the moment is always one and equal with and as self as all.
So the question is what can be answered trough self-expression in and as every single moment:
Who am I infinitely?

This fear thing also another topic but related to this inifinity.
Would be ANY kind of situation what would make me fear? If yes - that would mean I still grab something...and that would mean something still binds me into this limited existence - that would mean something I havent realized yet, but it is already here, just coming to realization - to be able to face - to be able to see, understand, forgive, embrace that what I feared nothing else than myself - but even not myself, only just an 'imagined' presentation of myself what I project/reflect back to my own eyes about me and I decided to not bear it, so the separation just started and comphounded, manifested and now it is all around.

The self-forgiveness is the only thing what I can trust as me as my self-honest self-forgiveness assists me to give up everything what I am not in truth - and as I am doing - apparently I am loosing everything. Yes everything. Even the closest 'friends' who are just decided to not really walk trough this fear-wall -- remaining in and as some definitions about that's bullshit, impossible, and lie. But I have nothing to say. I am getting into this loosing all and I wont stop until I have anything what makes my mind move. I do not care about time, I do not care about space, I do not care about even the rules or the law.
This is not about this world, and yes I am life, yes I am breath but I am ALL life as one and equal, not this person who apparently I am - I am giving up this personality as I was never this really totally - just I believed, just I decided to hide, but now I am seeing, I am getting ready to let it go as understanding why and how I needed to realize who I am really as the breath as me, as the moment as me.

I start with and as the starting point about who am I and I dont go more 'forward' or 'backward'.

The stating of starting point of who am in every single moment of every single breath is here.
And I am experiencing this waving, as I am doing something, and I am just defining this starting point and forgeting about moment as me, just loosing myself in and as what I am doing - because that was the deeply predetermined, preprogrammed, pre-accepted nature of my expressions.
To move in theese behavioural patterns what I definied as myself and now influencing my breath, even supressing remaining the inner silence of my location of expression of life.

Strange to see my cycles of my life, years after years - and as I looked into people's eyes, because I couldnt do, so I did this wolf-eye, and after again I just couldnt, because I was in fear and pain, and after as I drunk alcohol, I could do again, and after all I just stopped to do because I used drugs, and the eye can expose me so I stopped to do again. And after all I realized that I like to see people's eyes - even if I am on drugz, so I did, and after all I am now transforming it as me as self-expression of moment.
As many times I had this 'problem' about facing with bypassing strangers on street, and of course, when there are hundreds, that is not a case, but for example on a long street and someone is coming. And I was dependant on 'not looking' and 'looking' and after all now just dont care - comes as comes - but as I am doing this walking expression I like to just look forward and not focusing to a point, but just seeing the whole sight as one as equal as me and just walking and breathing as one breath as my surrounding...and that is sometimes goes on for a while when I realize this is power being here and I am standing on the tram and I see all people are not here, just pictures and all are in the mind very far in past/future, and I am here and no more no less than I am within the tram with and as theese people and I do not feel anything just breathing and expressing myself as standing and being here.
And when some inner reaction comes up it is easy to do self-forgiveness - as all people are not listening, not watching. Or if some looks at me, is that really matters? Sometimes I look back into eyes, but also I do not determine about that...and in the begining was quite intense, but now I just stand and doing self-forgiveness aloud - and the whole body is resonating this i forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to always be here - and as I am saying that is the point of my self-honesty - am I this when i am saying, as am I here as this sounding as one as equal as me as the words - - or not ...and when I say something and inner reaction starts -- that should bring the inevitable intimacy of me as me as why I do not let myself to be always here?

And this big issue this computer stuff, as I am allwayz sitting front of computer, all work day, and after I am here and doing this writings, watching videos(especially the self-honesty blogz) - and many more videos about anything about nature, world or children animals etc ---

Strange this is chaotic but as I see -- if I want to sit down and 'I need to write, I could write even all day' but I dont do, just something about I would like to write but as I start all just comes out...
Like I have a big basket and all what in that just I kick it off and coming out...

I was really pissed off about some friends why they do not see the truth but now I am embracing all--- self-response-ability I let all go and I let all go what makes me concern as not being here --- as all theese are excuses what I built up on the word 'trust' to abuse my 'own' responsiblity of self-trust.
And I am very grateful about the guyz at desteni about 20-30 people who are really me as one and equal about being able to start to open all old scar(e)s, wounds to see the real cause, to heal it as self-forgiveness as self-honesty - - and I see some people are withdrawing as facing with some stuff what they dont want to open, embrace totally unconditionally - as for example there are some stuff what do not want to loose, as children, or the definition of love or etc...
And I can understand, I can see, I can accept their decision, but not participating, supporting them about what they choosed was cool..
Like some people started to do video logs on youtube and started to open and share themselves and after defining desteni as cold/unloving/fearful or anything - they just delete those videos, and showing their 'happy'/'lovely' faces and all theese shiny beauty sides are broadcasted -- as they experienced this wall what they could not walk trough easily and now just decided to give up and just justifiing self as 'they are too much'. And I can not accept this.
This is not about my own values - this is about oneness and equality as all life HERE on EARTH.
I can not care about the cost if I see the actual price what we pay for still participating, maintaining and identifying ourselves as consciousness.

And no one wants to see that this is the end. Even those who did as understood.
Noone said this is the easy part. That is getting over. But as more intense, as more comphounding as more we are facing with and as ourselves - our accepted nature.
And strange to see how much I could be occupied in theese mind-games what I used to hide behind as that is me so I do that until I can -- and now I see that is not me...
even with this attract I on torwarlds women -- there are still some who I let to occupy myself for some moments, as little cycles like some breaths, and after again 2 or three breaths and maximum in a half-one minute I can realize even with the most beautiful women that are just my definitions what I see about theese pictures...and the being is the same fearful lost programmed system as others, just the skin is more honey-like...strange...
So this sexual stuff is getting weaker and weaker and that is very assisting to see that literally everybody are occupied with this demon. And this helps me to see more them. And that helps me to see more me. And that helps me to see more them as me as one and equal.
That No woman, no cry sometimes I say and very cool to realize that seeking a woman is would be just the same as drugs, as strong medications as masturbation, as war-like computergames -- all are related to self-expression -- as my starting point was not me as life I always fell and had to embrace myself again until the point when I fell again - and I became the master of this starting to walk up to the mountain what is merely just a steepy symbol but I now can realize that I am always here the illusion of mountain makes the walk, makes the path, makes the climb and makes the fall.

I accepted and allowed some thoughts about how this would be assistable, theese loooong flowing posts about all - and maybe would be smaller but more posts...
Seems to be I am writing myself out after I write some -- so apparently need some 'wheeling up' to writing what again brings to awareness about one more of my accepted nature - this definitions about time and quantizing of taking information samples of definied system's definitions. What is merely just computerlike and if it is - it has to be very easy to stop as has to be somehow very logical, as common sense. So build up means take apart.

I had to realize that those situations, especially with those people who call me and I do not answer, or do not meet - will come back the situation will come back but more comphoundedlike, as oneness and equality with and as the situation as me as moment.
Let's see who I procrastinating about to meet: Victor the musician, Adam the musician and Tuth the musician, Kar is the psychedelic connection.
Who are I am in touch still...
-the woman who let me rent this place
-my mother and sister at country side - i asked from her some money what is necessary to give back to her(sister) --this sister will be another post totally what is necessary to be aware about
-the mexican girl who let her bags here and sometimes call me to meet and I just dont go. why - I let myself to determine her as possible sexual target and just speaking speaking -- but I can be honest with her as she is well using common sense, but as her visual presentation made me to remember my ex-girlfriend Viola, I was like -no no no -- so when she comes, I am here, I speak, but do not really participating to maintain this connection...
-one guy who sometimes came to play music together, as he is doing cool bases like hip-hop and electric bass and drums and we started to make music together but in theese times he comes rarely and will come after 2 weeks -- he left here his 2 basic synth and 2 handdrums what we use here sometimes
-the guy Bence and his girlfriend Anita who are very close to me, but eventually I do not feel this anymore as they are doing what they do and I am doing what I am doing and nothing common we have really...they sometimes call me and give some veg food and showing me some silly tv-video stuff what I even not understand why I have to see, not even why they watch;)--and she just moving to live not too far around so will see what happen.
-one guy from highschool, we sometimes meet and talk about computer stuff, and we did roleplay games before, and i stopped, he is still interested...he is who I liked so much before but now he is also very predictable, very easily understandable and this is the point what I experience with everybody around me -- all are this role-system like in a movie, or in a theater -- and they act in every moment....and sometimes it is really monstrous to see really this demon consciousness in and as theese beings who are me as one and equal... easy to see the fear, the desires, the limits of people -- and this guy also once I gave him smoke and he blew up totally and his mind just started to stopp for a moment and he became unstable fearful and scary and I used words to keep him stable(around december when I still smoked) and was no more difficult than doing my job at workplace - the question is my stability and what I want and to know the rules -- and that if I would remain this system would make me a demon also like Hitler became or Lavey but as my starting point is breath as moment as self-forgiveness as self-honesty -- as oneness and equality -- this is just also me -- I have to face this power as myself as what I am capable of and was about I was always afraid since childhood, as I knew that I should have power but I was afraid to face and become until I didnt realized the starting point of life.
Because if I wouldnt realize the starting point that power would burn me out - and I knew it and that's why I couldnt get as I even didnt wanted to realize ..was quite tricky trap...
As until I am not one and equal as beings until all assistance is merely just ego-feeding power -role game what is simply vampirism.

So what or who else?
Definetely workmates around 6-8 I am in close contact and that is interesting also but actually that is what it is.
Ah my exwife - she moved to country with the kid, and husband stayed in Budapest, and she invited me to visit them, and I would like - I was on why? And I still like to speak about what is truth, but I am getting stable about what I can give to her, especially as she is very common senseable expect some big areas what are related to her fears(of course then all, but) especially psychologic stuffz, as she finished as this kind of profession and I will show her in details how the unconscious,subconscious,conscious mind is working because she already understood and until I am here in this country I like to speak with her - even if she can focus intensely only for some minutes that are cool and very assisting to me...And of couse I like to 'play' with the 2years old kid. So why I definied her as visitable even when I have to travel some to meet -- what I obviously stopped to do for other peoples around here...hmm still brings up some stuff from past what I already quite understood but there are some 'areas' in my past what I still didnt write out and very assisting to meet to let myself open as moment...
Now I am sure that this post is well long enough to just publish.

Self purification

I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to love me unconditionally.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to love me unconditionally.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to love myself unconditionally.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed me to love me unconditionally.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed me to love myself unconditionally.
I forgive me that I have not allowed to love myself unconditionally.
That is not a choice that I love myself as me as who I am as life as oneness and equality as all as moment as breath.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to always love me.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed to love me unconditionally.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed to love myself unconditionally.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to love myself unconditionally.
That is not conditional that I accept me as who I am as the presence of me. Always.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to be with and as the presence of me.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to be always here.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed to realize myself as who I am as the moment as me as the breath as me.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to wake up in the morning as breath as me as the moment as me.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from myself. Unacceptable.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to realize who I am as life as oneness and equality as moment as breath -- always here.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to realize that I am already a unified man.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to breath as the presence of me as pure life essence as who I am.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to live me.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to separate me from myself.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to separate from my words.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to realize the deception in and as me as manifested self-dishonesty.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself as inferior.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself as superior.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to form the ego of the mind by believing that I need such as this behaviour to hide myself actually from others as myself.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to realize that I closed myself in the secluded room of myself just because of this fear.
I forgive myself that I acccepted and alllowwwwweed myself to believe that I am this fear.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to use this fear as fuel of my mind to being able to maintain my personality to hide from the truth of me as who and what I've became.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to realize that everything in and as the moment of the now is actually me. Nothing more, nothing less.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to express myself as the totality of self in and as the moment unconditionally as who I am as life as breath.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use sexuality to fuel the mind of hide to not needing to face self.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to be as effective of self-realization as I am capable of.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to manifest some obsticles in and as me such as financial or technical limits of my self-expression.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to believe that the resources are limited.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to thing that the resources are limited.
I am the source
I am the source
I am the source
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed my nature as monthly cyclic polarity equation.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to point outside from me
about responsibility.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hide from self-responsibility.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to take responsibility for myself.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to take responsibility for my family.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to take responsibility for my country.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to take responsibility for earth.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to take responsibility for all as me as one as equal as life.



Here again the statement: I AM LIFE AS ONE AND EQUAL AS ALL ...could come ANY temptation of the mind, I am not this mind system, I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become a mind consciousness system, now I stop to participate, I stop not being ALWAYS HERE as the presence of myself as WHO I AM AS MOMENT as ME.
And I am standing up until all as one as equal not realize that who we really are in and as every single moment of breath. Because I am this standing up. I am this oneness and equality. I am this birthing life. Because this is already what we are. Because this is what the unification is. Because this is what already DONE.

Posts posts posts

I just write down all what about I post...strange ..to not forget...like using the blog as memory to not using my inner conversations...
ah yes this is about forget..
I for give that I for get.
I for give myself (back) that I forget myself.
I forgive myself that I forget that I became a mind consciousness system.


Why I forget? Maybe because I am not that what I forget. And actually maybe. Like oneness and equality. If I am forget - I started to move in and as this mind consciousness system for - get back.
Separation. As it is always here. What is not here that is even not me actually.
And I for-give what I already realized - like I share, broadcast, pulse unconditionally ..giving for the world as me as one as equal - me for give to myself.
Strange...many people tried to pull me about well tala started this verbal(writing) diarrhoea, and just writing many uninteresting shit... And people wants to write some relevant, some interesting...shit I do not care... very cool to getting to be stable to not wanting to feed off other's applause..but how it could happen? easy to fall out to the other side of horse...the importance is and as starting point.
ONENESS AND EQUALITY is the starting point.

I write just like here

why people do not hear?
because people are not here
to hear - be here
if you do not hear - you are not here
where are you? where are you?
the mind is blind
and who is deaf: who does not hear death?
i am death you do not hear me, are you deaf?


There are some people who are coming this stuff about I became a pawn of desteni, I speak as them and why am I doing this, this is not necessary, I have to be me... Sometimes I just simply do not answer(youtube especially) and sometimes I do...
Strange that many has so big nose that they do not want to put that into the desteni material and just using some excuses what they identified with themselves and desteni simply states out, for instance:
-we are not soul, we are not energy, we are not consciousness - who we really are
-self forgiveness, self-honesty, self-standing, self-realization
-oneness and equality as all as life as self

well yes I am desteni if this is what am now, then I am desteni.
we have to stop. literally all what we have to do is to stop.
And desteni is about stop. And express self as pure life essence as moment of life as oneness and equality. I like this, and if some one says this is idealistic, no possible to manifest, and like not believing this portal stuff...i am sorry but I do not regret, I do not say anything...
Until one do not realize the fact the "WHO AM I" - until empty words all ..
And very interesting to see how easy to see where people cant see trough as their definitions they became - also as me -- like about anything..
For instance I can easily say that I am greatful that I prefer to not eat animals and I am very greatful that I realized why I wanted to find sexual relationship or why I wanted to use drugs, or why I wanted to be musician...All are related to fear - about self-expression, about self- experience...
And very cool to realize that we are not energy...and simply common sense...obviously energy is limited, always conditional, and if I am identifying myself with this as this - I put this definition into me as me and let it to determine me - as limited as this energy is. Has begining - and has end. Cool to see, that I can embrace the energy to simply transcend that I am not this, but now in this construct is around and as where I let myself being influenced by it - it is showing the accepted and allowed nature of myself and to walk trough my present as moment and moment and breath - this is the unification of me of realization who I am and why I am in this situation and how I stop it.
Today I rewatched Merv Griffin's interview and I am very greatful about he is here as me as one as equal - to show me who I am really and what is necessary to be done.
Another example one of my workmates is actually on his handputer reading the Mein Camph(Hitler wrote before) and interesting to be expression of me, and not using the definitions what I know about him, about his interviews, book or the chat. But be common sense and be the being as me and just say what actually I am and very cool to see what is the inner silence and what is not and how the inner movement works.

Money, Music, relationship, musicians, eye of needle

I do not take any shit anymore.

I realized that is just not necessary.

Let's see how many people I hold in as inner definitions - what keeps me chained.
The guy who I did acid with. Sometimes we meet, and with his girlfriend who gave me place in her flat and everything when I just came home as a homeless moneyless hippie.
And they invite me and give me veggan food and speaking and I started to speak about what I am doing, and he just does not agree, and the girl who I definied as I like her, she agrees with me more likely, but she also never understood self-forgiveness and self-honesty...Why I am sure?
Because I am sure that one understand - starts to use, starts to live, and how to understand, how to live self-honesty as self-forgiveness? Simply do it as moment. And noone does...
Once on the psychedelic forum there was a guy, who liked the idea of self-forgiveness, and he wrote that he starts to do it and likes it, but when I explained more on that forum, about the whole enslavement how builted up, and about the portal, he just said that is very crap...Except him noone said, hey Tala, this is awesome... And until I didnt started to apply this really, it was very hard, shocking to me, about hey here is the truth and noone see...Here is the practical assistance to realize our nature, but everybody is occupied in already what do not want to give up... So I left them, I left everything, and no regret, no shame.
But there are about a handful beings who are makes me turmoil inside a bit, so I write down that to see... The common in them that they like me and all from a different perspective, they pull out different personalities from me, and I used them to built this up, and it is time to sort out...

There is 3 guy who are 'musicians'. Three of them I was with quite much time before, and now I just stopped. Why?
First guy, I sold my synth him as he owned in the last year and I said give it back, I need money, I sell it, he said, no he will buy it. Oks I gave him discount - and he paid some bills for me and gave me 50 euros, and still he has to give to me about 120euro but just refuses, and always give to me an excuse. He is quite big speaker and has big face and I liked him much as he could handle people and was never inferior as he acted but that would mean deep inside he is so anyway he just gives excuses, and since 2 months he just does not pay. And I was quite aware how I built up this construct within me about him and I procrastinated to call him, blabla, but at a point I had to always because I really did not had money even to eat, and was strange but I called him and he just sayed to me no, later, next salary etc. And once at workplace I called him and asked about money, as I waited again one more his promise day about mayhe he would call me. So when I realized he didnt called me this financial shit just comphounded and I took my cellphone I called him and asked him to pay right now(was abour a month ago) and he said some more excuses and also said "you always call me for this, is all that you?" and I said "well actually I do not care anything else just getting that fucking money, and I fed up about everyone are denying to pay". And he said "ok I see you are also getting to be a robot, so bye." I said "well ok then ciao".
So that was the last try. Why should I call him again. I explained him about I am in big shit, I wont beg. Next time he will call me:(if he will) I will say ok pay or bye. No more diverting.
As we are quite aware about ourselves about fucking big diverting gipsies we are and as I stopped smoking I stopped to follow any of my smoker friends. (He teached to drum for a while, and we traveled around some countries together and visited some communas.)
And after this call I was about some hours really pissed off like vaaaaaa and voooaaaaa. And I just couldnt work so I wrote self-forgiveness until I could focus onto moment.
And that was cool - as from the other part there is another guy who is demanding 20times more money from me to give it back and I became the slave of this situations.
BUT. I always escaped from the financial shit, like money, and bills, and barging around and dealing with money, and now I just do. Money comes money goes. And when salary comes, like I am hm quite rich for a moment(bit more than thousand of euros) but in fact after 2 days only about hundred euros I can hold - and if I look forward that wont change until autumn.
But yesterday I realized again that this is the only thing what keeps me in this situation - the money. So I just some out as I went in - get money, give it back and not being occupied, not even being tempted by the idea of escape or deny - until the point when I stand without any minus.
And today I was around in a big media market and I was walking around (bought a casette to the cam) and I saw many hitech stuffz, but as I looked into me - I even dont need those stuffz anymore. Only a laptop(this is quite old and uncapable for making videos) and a camera(this one is not mine and also using casette what is not the best to doing upload to net). No more.
But theese are still here and cool.
Also I have some unfinished business with some ex who helped me by some little amounts of money, and those will be very cool to give back, also to meet them. I am very greatful(grateful?) that I can be absolute honest with "them" without any inner reactions. And both has little kid, and I see how big changes they are in and how much they are dependent on money to be the pawn of the system to comply just because of the kids. BUT now I focus on me as me as one and equal as all.
This was the money issue.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be the slave of money.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself that I was feared money.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from not having money.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from having money.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from money.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word: money.
I forgive myself that I accepted and alloweed myself to participate in this system with money.
I forgive myself that I allowed myself to exert anger to banks.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to blame banks.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to wanting to be bankrubber.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be limited, not realizing that I am the source.


Another musician guy: I made him a promise, about I will make a program what will blink the screen to specific frequencied soundwaves to make a 'relaxing program', and I just didnt do.
And sometimes he calls me and I always said: OK I will do it, but actually I even did not started, just downloaded some stuff for being able to start at any time, but never did.
And this guy is the one of the 'biggest master of electric and digital music' around here and influenced me so much about what kind of stuff I would use and he always helped and he wanted to do some stuffz with me, but I always just didnt do, and just I do not go to hime because I am do not wanting to explain about how I stopped to participate in everything what I was on before -by realizing I am simply not that...
Interesting to see... as I was really influenced with some people, I mean I totally almost lost myself - what is just not possible, but I built up a 'personality copier' mechanism, what I used to 'copy' people who I definied as 'useful for me', and as I hang with theese people, I was simply knowledge cameleon/vampire, and interesting to see now...

The third guy is also musician, he is in the psychedelic trance scene, and now he is doing very great music, I can say 'one of the bests in this world' - BUT
he knows much, very much about the systems, he is aware many things what is this system, but he lost in his inner shit, and still maintaining this conflict inside about secret societies and NWO and especially freemasons...and he is I can say a 'great being' ( anyway all are one and equal) but I had the chance to be with him on psychedelics, when I could say he had many interesting insights what I just couldnt see...as once we did acid and we were at a houseparty, and I was with other guys on acid and as saw him as he was shouting to the group who he was for in that time (like around 2 tables the people were), and he shouted that you are in my own reality, you even do not extist, you are just picture programs, heey...and now I see in that point he was quite aware about what is going on, but he is still slave of consciousness, and for example he was who showed me the sacred geometry and he is a very specific being, and sometimes I have this kind of statement about I am not ready to assist him, and that could work to other people, simply I just avoid them, like the salvia guy or 2-3 more guys who are quite I keep in my pocket about hmm when I will be more silenced, I could assist them..but that is still separation...as nothing exitsts only the moment now. As I am still grabbing theese people as cool cards in my foggy future about maybe if I will be more clear, they could understand...and there is something what is really true in this, just the starting point is not totally clear...Why I specified theese beings like they are special? - because I wanted to use them as a tool but not oneness and equality...STOP!!!

But anyway this musician guy he is the only one who with I can speak about the matrix system and he understood much, some years ago he said all his shit in honesty about he does not like himself because what he did(quite much) and last time we met his party(he is doing trance sometimes, and I visit because I like to dance on that kind, especially his music) we spoke about sacred geometry triangle demon and I started to put him into me as me and also before his girlfriend.
Once he said he got a girl from the system to keep him enslaved, and she is nice, and kind but does not really understand how we are slaves in and as this system, and anyway he spoke about her, he would like to let her go, but he is dependant of her, and strange, and I was for a while like hmm this girl is spit into our soup, but last time at this party I just put all into me as me even this girl and him and 3 of us we spoke and was very cool...And I just opened myself to this girl and she gave me suggestions and was cool...and at that time I promised this guy I will go and speak again, but in that time I just organized my time about I hadnt time, but I just printed out some desteni basic info(faq, SR, Alice Bailey, Self-forgiveness, many articles) and wrote a DVD(History of Man, Design series, Tesla, Einstein, JFK and Hitler interviews) and I just let that at his door and I left silently. Was strange but from that point I did not speak with him, and he never calls me(very poor), but I decided to not seek him until he wont call me.
He trust in me very much, and can share his knowledge to me, and I didnt wanted to abuse this kind of opportunity.
And he influenced so much also, as he showed to me the basic of the how to make good sounds via sequencers ( before I just used Reason, but even I didnt know anything) and after he showed me much...and I wanted to be also trance musician, to wanting to be on the stage and direct the show to give possibility to the people who are on psychedelic the chance to wake up and I started to script myself to that, and I prepared everything, and I know I could be very cool, but recently I just see that I am not this...Still I like this kind of most intense trance, but now I give up everything unconditionally to manifest oneness and equality as life here on earth.
And this is also a trick..like I am giving up myself to birth myself. And this is the self-honesty. Who I am what is just conditional - what is here to assist to realize myself - and who I am really?

And all of this 3 people had influenced me so much, as they showed much about music, one about drumming, other about trance and third about world/ambient stuffz and I used theese kind of 'roles' to build into my personality to just wanting to prove that I am musician also...

And now at this moment I remember that I was about this:
I realized that I HAVE TO realize myself in this very life, no other chance, but I was like, ok that is not just a moment, so I have to do something until that - even maybe I have to choose a way of expression what I am on and as that as me I am realizing myself...And I was about maybe I could be a painter, but I choosed music...And I started to hide behind this definition: I am a musician.
I was like "I have to find my relationship", and that was of course about a perfect girl who can assist and who with I can really wake up, but I was never satisfied with any girl around me about 'she really wants to wake up, unconditionally', even the buddhist girls or the antroposophic ones - apparently many of them are really shining and beautiful, but those are just the pictures - and I saw - they could occupy me but none of them would be the real one - - as I never met any, not even a girl, but anybody who really wants to give up all...

But I was in this search really...I met with many travellers, and spoke with hippies and all, but was strange...all had something what was like 'that one I would never let go' - and I also tried this, like I definied the music like that: that one what always remain... But not really...
And I separated myself from the music...I do not have to create, to learn, just let myself to express...And I am still keeping up this and I hided behind some technical barriers, about
"I do not have a good microphone, or computer, or drum, or anything" -

And I was like ok it really does not matter what I do, just the way how I do that is matters...but this whole concept was deflied since from the very begining as the starting point was not really me as one and equal as me...so all goes...
I do not need any relationship to make me believe that I can wake up...I do no need anybody.
I do not need any definition what and how or who I am.

I simply just give chance to any being about I am one and equal with and as all as life, if you do not want this now, then I cant agree with you, I cant support you - even if I have to be alone...
And literally I am doing this...only 2-3 people who call me as 'friend' to meet, and in general I just deny or even do not pick up the phone...
But I will, and I will say that I am very busy right now about writing and doing videos - as it is really the reason...
And that is very cool that I do not want to 'catch' a girl anymore - that whole construct just also was a try to divery my attention from the fact - I am facing self and nothing is more important now.
Also sometimes I am like I do not care anybody except desteni guyz, not because that is a sect - more likely the starting point...we are very busy to form a trust - based on absolute self-honesty of life of oneness and equality -- and I often show up the eye of the needle to the people who wants to be very friendlly with me (on youtube, and also IRL I starting to do this)..
and if you want to be with and as me as one as equal - prove it to yourself that you are you.
Strange..and I got many thunder about this, as I sent out some emails to 'old friends' about this, like there is 2 choice, and there is no middle way: absolute self-honesty or absolute self-dishonesty - and sounds rough but I had to use this to be able to break the chanins of 'friendship' to see who I am and who I am not.
And I got answers ' you are antichrist', 'you are nazi, worst than hitler', and ' you are sectoid', 'you are totally lost yourself' and ' you are more worst than others at desteni(??) ' etc.
So here around me noone 'went trough my eye of needle' but that is also definition - and I am aware of and now it is a placement to help me remain me, and not taking shit anymore.


Now the most important for me is to locate my silece - my location. The silence which is me.
And some cases I experience as I move but many times I am still letting my program to run.
But this is an other post.

Now focusing to theese specific beings, as other as one as equal...
Nothing to do with them, nothing to do with the separation except forgiving myself unconditionally. And when the presence of them is here, then I just express myself as inner silence, and it it not occurs, I do not say anything. But no need to wait anymore.
I am getting quite stable, as I dared to share my druggy/spiritual expreiences, and what could loose?
Very strange as I am loosing everything, I am getting myself here.
I am still waving, as theese personalities come and go and sometimes I literally see this reality as just a slideshow and I am quite aware - and sometimes I am pissing off just because of I just forgot something...
Forget- another topic, will post soon.

Spiritual or REAL giving up?

I speak about spritualism and giving up.

I have to add some stuff to make whole this story:
- I did a big self-dishonest step: I was about ok, I realized this reality means nothing, all are just visualisation and sense plugin, but I am still here and nothing changed in that moment(2003), only my realization helped me to understand a bit more...but that was more likely a burden...about ok I knew people who were about spiritual stuff, and read some books about what is this all about, and death, and meaning of life and etc... But they was not really commited to this search, but that was just like feeding a hunger, a bit like when people eat chockolete, or citizens sometimes go among trees and enjoying but they clothed as ufos...No..those were more likely the part of the building up their mind consciousness system to be able to define themselves and their inner dishonesties somehow and finding answers what are good enough to explain why and how they are that what actually are... Or just to find excuses why they do not want to stand up as self as all...like some people when readed about spiritual monky stuff, they said, ok I cant put down seks, so I do not want to be enlighted..or I am enjoying music, that one what I will never stop...or let's take the drugs..there are many people who say that, "I never want to stop smoking m-jane"...Obviously trapped are, but if I ask why? They have different answers, excuses what are exactly showing their accepted nature what choosed to hide behind as what is what do not want to face, so that is that what is afraid of.
And I also am in separation as I write as they and this and that..simply I am separating myself from myself....

The very interesting part of this what I am, what I am doing in and as the moment what I am equal and one with?
And now I write about giving up..the another story is when people do not even want to give up, but now I focus to that part when people already decided to give up, because somehow realized, that would be cool to not do something anymore...

Like the monks are giving up their sexuality...But let's examine this bit closer... I am giving up some kind of habit, or desire, or act, or anything, BECAUSE?

(behaviour/reaction/trigger/program/system/expression/ thought/emotion/desire/etc)

Because
-The being let him/herself to define that particular as bad, but inside it is cool for me, but knows that is not useful as others already definied that, for example the master comes and say hey do not smoke cigarette, because you are monk...now at this case the being not really understands why has to stop, but has big trust in others and let him/herself to influence trough those who is in relationship with(any kind)
-The other case is when the being realizes that for example: "shit, I am very angry now, but that is not cool, because in this society this is not acceptable, because for example if I exert my anger, I wont be accepted or will be closed in a cage" - and in this case the being has definitions and simply fights against his/her accepted nature by any kind of method, what are of course definitionbased acts/behaviours...The being already realized that is not cool, but not yet understood how it is here, especially why, and what would be the exact movement to be able to handle/avoid/not participate...
-The third part what I realized is the true realization what can change the being in one moment, about to dig and open the whole situation, and the causes, and everything can be seen as an opened book, and trough and as self-honesty in self-intimacy facing with the facts, and everything as was and is now, and by seeing what was the cause, and back-track theese until to be able very clearly to see the cause...Why I did this first time? Why was accepted?
It is obviously the real-I-sation means I real-ise my nature, about WHO I AM.
And if I realize really my nature, I can simply give up everything what I am not. Not fighting anymore, not denying, not hiding, but facing with the truth, "I AM NOT THIS, just because I didnt see the situation and myself clearly, because........I did this miss-take and stuck."
But this realization means: I got rid of this? From a perspective yes.
But for example when I realized I was not me when I consumed drugs, many changes just was done - but many remained as that was really deeply in myself.
And as I did this mis-take as I was not equal and one with myself as me as the moment, and I continously did - that built up a construct...Or inside me, or outside of me as manifested reality...
And I would like to give back me to myself this moment of self of silence, but how?
I forgive myself! I forgive myself that I accepted this...And as I am forgiving myself, I am giving the possibility myself to change...and after when the situation comes where I was triggered to act as I am not really, I am aware, that I see that I am not this, and I forgive myself that self-deception, and now this is the time to correct the self trough as self-movement as silence as moment as breath...

And that is very cool, and that is what I am doing, and already did with drugs, hey I am not drug, I am not this, and I understood why I used, how I used, not all, but mostly all I see now in me as me, and I am aware about that is just not working as me as infinity...
This is another interesting perspective, to see me as infinity in the moment. Can I stand in and as infinity within and as myself what I actually participate in, contain, my starting point, and why?
The system needs to stop. Everything is necessary to stop. Because I am this directing principle, this life essence one and equal with all...And the system is conditional. Obviously has a begining and end. But how is possible to embrace infinity from a perspective of a system?
The spiral stuff is just trap, the light thing again is just system...
This expression what I am one and equal with as all as life as breath as simplicity- and this can be somekind of starting point as I look around and separation, ignorance, fear and complicated systematic manifestations everywhere...

And this self-honesty is also something like a definition, but to not start to purify self, just because this, that is really self-dishonesty, not giving even the possibility to and as self for-giving the innocence as life as the simplicity of moment as expression as self.
But if the self-honesty is a definition, that means the one does not understand what and who we are...because the name would be anything, like foxymuxy or anything, but now it is necessary to make difference about system and life until even this has a meaning: until it is done infinitly.

And back to this giving up, I am giving up all what I am not, and as I am giving up what is not me, I am loosing my conditions to be me, until it is done until oneness and equality as me as all is not here...
Next time I'll write about breath and moment and act and silence and definitions.

The cost is lost

I do not see the cost as all are the same: no matter...
Interesting to see how I am waving, as I defined theese cycles of a conditional awareness rate, about how I am allowing myself to stop and as I stop, I start to sink, and after a while, I realize, shit I am sinking, better to move... But maybe this sinking is not enough. I have to locate myself as silence. Every moment, when I am not silence, I am not here, but somewhere else as knowledge as self-dishonesty.
Interesting to see how much layers I have as system...as some months ago I was like oh now I see more clearly when I am silent, but now I just see noo..and probably this is also not really silence...but as I still have the tendency to move myself conditionally, as the past influences - I am a bit like as a delayed remote-controlled construct. Like if I want something, I do the 'decidements', and I 'state out' about I am this...and that maybe happen at the moment, but if not, just I am preprogramming myself to at the next 'quite aware' moment to do that..And apparently seems to be like spontaenous, but I know, that is not yet that...
And that is even not scripting, more likely a sneaky procrastinating...but interesting, as it is also conditional...obviously I want to move myself and go deeper and deeper to see the core of my not-hereness and be one and equal with the situation to be able to direct to simply stop.
But that would mean that there are more 'areas' - situations in and as me what are still in hidden - secret - as self-dishonest I am about I do not see, I do not understoot, I do not embraced, I did not forgive, and at the moment simply I am not aware...
But. The sexuality is big issue, and I can say I now transcended, but this is the influence of my system...I see the core, and if my mind looks like moving to a direction of a probably sexual object - I just do self-forgiveness, and say/whisper some corrective statements...theese are still just placements and not exact silence self movements...BUT...
I am transcribing Jack's interviews about Locating your power as silence and changing
and expanding. And this is what is now very assisting me, to locate the silence as me.
Today I rewatched Hitler's(Mykey) videos and he is really touches me, as I did some definitions about him when I first watched his videos, about he is similar than me and that was about to do this statements about I do not accept anything less then life as oneness and equality, no matter the cost, I have no compassion with systems...And now as i see that was a bit like powerless definition about because I did not see the power in me, I had to define this, to be able to do what is necessary to do - as stopping drugs, sexual obsessions etc...
And sometimes I use this Hitler expression but people of course do not understand and sometimes even get afraid about that Tala went insance. But I mean this innocence what he mentioned, about I can remember(ok that is also means nothing in this construct, but) I was in nature when I was a kid and I enjoyed and I was alone and never was like I need somebody or something, just walking, runing, touching lying in the green and seeing clouds, and today saw again from my blanket the clouds on the sky and for some moments I did and realized that is an expression of me as I watch the clouds and no more and I separated myself from the clouds, trough accepted fear...not realizing that I am one and equal with all. With all!
And now I just let influenced myself trough theese information systems about that is the right, that is not possible, and that is necessary, and no choice, and I accepted and when something intense happened, I used theese to do this mind-shit to supress the anxiety what came up when the world just didnt let me express myself unconditionally, and I fell and I was afraid and definitions definitions definitions, and I defined so much as after I even forget that I am not theese definitions, but I am the directive principle...
And of course I was lying on the blanket just because I did the consciousness video and the computer is slow and I couldnt use that properly when it is processing video, so conditionally I was just lying and clouds....
But I remember also when I was in nature with psychedelics, that was the most favourite act of me just breath and not separating myself from nature...but also that was conditional, and all what I allowed that my definition fuzzy systems, what I built up to be able to hide as normal guy about I am not shit scared about this world, I am not totally schrizophrenic about I do not love anybody and I do not like to be with people, or if I do that has a cause...
This love stuff I never understood, and even now that always was just possession and about sex and status symbolism, about I am the man, I have woman, my own woman, and if my mind is like shitting really, I have possibility trough her(as I was extensively expressive in sex and the girl of course wanted to do sex with me) I had the ability to rejuvenate my mind to be able to hide more, to be able to not focusing to the real facts, what happened in my childhood, and what are the transcendence points what are still waiting for me...
So now I am very greatful about I could dig down to the fact about why I needed sex, and now much easier to embrace this accepted dependancy and need for charge out/recharge my mind consciousness system...
And yesterday night I was at the concert where my living mate did concert and I cammed almost the whole event and this was a very snob place and many 'strange rich' people were, and that was a bit like temptation and of course was very cool about I didnt cared with girls, but not like before, about I do not care about girls, because I am on drugs, I am now transcending, and I am now giving up and I am proud of this...no that was more likely as a kid, just not really concerning about why the fuck do I need that shit, because I am really on facing with myself to be with and as myself unconditionally...and of course there were some moments when really kinky chicks were so close me, and I could play with my attention about focusing to my body more likely as how I am moving, than how beautyfulled formed beings were around...and when I went to toilet, I just experienced about I am doing self-forgiveness as the situation...that was a bit unconditional, but not totally..and of course I was -am- not absolutely self-honest as I went to this place but I do not define or if yes I forgive myself.
So this returning to innocence is not only possible, but it is here...just have to realize it in and as the silent moment, to walk it as me as oneness and equality...
And one more about sexuality, just to not being triggered by the system influencing, about anything, and the simplicity is always here, about being aware Am I this? Because that is very cool realization, about anything..like sexual or any events, possibilities, choices...Am I this sexual desire what wants to start to move in to me...and recently I immediately started to see: NO. I am not this.. So why should I participate, if I am not this..And with "friend" also I am like this.. Am I this what they dare me to participate, like watch this, go there, pubbing there etc..if I am not this, why should I do? I am me. Now I very often just do not want to go..because in general I choose to fabricate videos, or typing...or bycicling...I do not care what will happen, if I choose this, or that, but now I choose the silence of me...
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use the word friend as "" quoted, not realizing what that means...
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fearing loosing everyting.

And some self-forgiveness, what was a draft here but now I see I didnt posted ( wanted to continue, but didnt happened, so here)

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to be controlled and directed in this society of consciousness.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to be programmed to not to face with me as myself in and as the infinite moment of life of oneness and equality.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear about I am not well good enough in my work when I cant do my job because of the apparently outer conditions emerge and comphound -- not realizing that I have accepted and allowed to manifest trough my own participation and only will fade and disappear when I transcend it by facing, and moving through by myself again and again until I grasp it.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to be frustrated when I could not advance in my task at workplace, just because of technical problems occured what simply I cannot fix in one moment.
I forigve myself that I accepted and allowed to fear from being judged in my work about I am slow trough my accepted participation from my previous workplace. I am moving trough this, trough being here and moving myself accordingly because this is my work and noone else will do it for myself as myself.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I separated myself from my work.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to judge my actual sleeping-awakening expression, especially about at night I am falling asleep around midnight, and around 4-5 I wake up, if I do not choose simply just stand up as I wake up, and until I am going to work already getting sleepy again, and after lunch also especially when I do not have (t0) work.
I forgive myself that I havent realized that tiredness is just simply my not wanting to do it so I found excuses to be not here enjoying me as me as work as one as equal, but trough definitions I am separated and by this I am limited, I am determined, what I do not accept anymore.

Separation on words

I separated myself from words. Lying(on the blanket where I sleep I start here)

Just now I realized how extensively I grimed myself with many definitions to not being here with and as myself as the moment as breath.
How and why?

And while the spiritual/psychedelic part of my life what happene? I found my definitions in and as me and I had problems with them...and some of them just simply disappeared as my applications and movements changed, but the most are remained, but the trick is just comes here: I defined another definitions to theese 'basic' definitions to
-to trying neutralize them with another definitions
-to trying to implant another definitions to equate that to an another direction
-to trying to handle situations with a well configured and programmed problem-solving reaction system
-to trying to forget the definition's definitions (definition's definition's.....) trough supression, fear, by simply another "automatic definitions"

And by this I've became an AI(artificial intelligence), well professionally I learnt to define and by definitions to develop little definitionbased geometric system placements and by theese I've built up a complex mind consciousness system, until the point where it as me could operate in this world consciousness consctruct. And it is possible Strange, but yes, I did. I definied everything what I needed at the moment to hide from the simple aware REAL moment to not needing to face with self with me who I really am and became...

Interesting but it is the end. Now the deprogramming of systematic I of consciousness is here.
Just simply because I am not this. I am not system, I am not definitions. I am the source of this, but this source is what and who I am and now this source is just stopping for a moment. Stopping to participate in this consciousness to hide until I am not here in every moment infinitely.

So I start here:

lying: I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word lie.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define lying as being tired.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to defined lying as being sleepy.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to determine me as tiredness or sleepyness automaticly when I lie down.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from awareness.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define lying as thinking.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define lying as mindwork.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not breath here simply when I am lieing.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to lieing as sleeping.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear of getting cold when I am lieing on the ground.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from falling asleep when I am lieing.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear of not having the ability to stop my thoughts when I am lieing.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from being with and as me when I am lieing.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not being one and equal with and as my phisical body when I am lieing.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from falling out from my body.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not being aware when I am lieing.

Interesting to see in english the lie is like lieing on the ground and lieing to somebody is same...
But theese were about the first, but when I am here...
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to lie to myself.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be conditional in my self-honesty.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to lie to others as me to hide or to being accepted.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to lie to others just because of my definitions about them or about what I say. I give the possibility to myself to speak directly as what is inside, that is outside. Simplicity as inner silence is my location breath by breath.

Drug SYStem -alcolhol, sex, drugs

Drug systems are the very manifestation our nature what we became trough our acceptance and allowance. I always knew that this word is abused extensively. But I needed to quit totally, absolutely to understand this as it is - as I am as I've became trough drugs and all related things.
I started with alcohol at the university. I never wanted to drink really, just because I was the system what my mother implanted into me(and now I have to accept her opinion) about if I drink, I will end up as my father, who became a totally lost, lonely, sick, schrisophrenic alcoholist who just died as he fell into a pit with full of water/mud. So that was a quite intense example what could do the alcohol in that time(around the age of 18-19, when I started to drink), so that was a time until I tried...At the university almost all roommates(we were 10) drunk extensively, as almost every day, and soon I joined into this, and the interesting part was to be able to speak, to express myself, but in that time of course I didnt realized, in the drunky state not I speak, but the system of me in me as me, and as I identified myself with my mind consciousness system - I was quite happy about by alcohol I- as system- becoming more expressive, less inhibited, less fearful - apparently.
So I did, slowly but surely I learnt to womit well, the combinations and all that shit what people in general learn about this, and the smoky airless crowded pubs, the silly and meaningless conversations and all that shit...
After as C(my exwife when we firtst met) she realized I can not speak really but if I drink some alcohol - that would make me more expressive, so that was the first drug addiction in my life - not only just for boost my system to be able to stand in the bigger system, but to be able to response, interact and trying to persuade girls about I am the man and not the scary boy who cant even look into girl's eyes or speak...But by the drug of alcohol I could...
After all when C. just didnt wanted to be with me all the time I used alcohol to try to divert my attention from the fact that I am worthless as she does not want me..
And - as my roommates also - I've became real alcohol addict, I drunk 2-3 bottles of wine before we went out into the city and after all the center of my back started to hurt REALLY, and at that point the only way was to handle it by alcohol, but needed MUCH. So I drunk, and after a while, the wine was not so effective, so I've changed to short drinks, mostly gin with beer...
And that worked for a while...And after that

Hivemind

Mind consciousness system.
This is very explanative about our mind's nature, I found it at a very low level of the webserver system at workplace what I work on...
Consciousness itself wrote a very specific article, what I am now putting into a text video and will read aloud : Consciousness - The Enslavement of Man by Consciousness
Humans are systems. H as the unification of the I of life essence and the I of consciousness and U is the unity of recycling system of enslavement. And now the consciousness is disappearing, all systems will broke apart, will fall, as actually falling, dissolving and no way to stop. It is inevitable as it has a begining and has an end. And here is a point where I started to explain this to him but he not get it...

I continued to to some discussion about truth with my friend who I was with when consumed psychedelics, and I had to realize that he just totally identified him with consciousness.
Interesting to hear back that what I was in some years ago, about there is no life, this is just a game of consciousness and the trick is to turn off mind and become this consciousness.
And when I asked about
oneness and equality he says that is the worst utopistic pathetic try what can hear from me after all what we were in together. LOL.
And it was interesting to see as he was trying to persuade me about I didnt get the point since from the begining, and I did not understood really the buddhism, as I still do not understand.
And this is a very example of that what spiritduality can fuck with people.
He is literally became a walking library(ok me too, but I realized that is my shit what I forgive unconditionally because of that fact I am not this), and using that as a triggered excuse-system at any possible transcendence points about there is nothing to do...just doing the mantra and listen the masters and nothing can change the rules. And he knows much, but too much... The breath here and self-forgiveness is too ridicoulous for him even to consider. And the word self-honesty is just seems he never understood, from the perspective that every single moment is the self-honesty of who I really am? This system or moment?
He is good slave. Maybe one of the best slaves.
But I was on that mindfuck: when we did the acid, sometimes he started to handle me as some kind of master and I just said no, and I game him buddhist books first time but I didnt said : well if you dont stop this shit, I will smash apart your head with and as your mind, noo..I just accepted and allowed his mind to run and I was about that ok he is doing, and I did not wanted to participate in his shit (because I was in my own shit of self-dishonesty), so now he is totally fucked.
He says eating meat as that is ok, drinking alcohol as that is the very part of his nature, and playing absolute agressive computer games and watching really silly tvseries all the time.
Even participating and maintaining a relationship for joy and fun and sex.
And when I say about many thousand children die every day, he comes the karma, about they deserved it, he is sure about that is not random, there is nothing to do with them...
The absolute prison.

And he often invite me to fun, and I say what I see what I realize, but simply just never understand that, and handles this - as me - just like a boy, and as I participate, sometimes very funny I feel this as a family stuff...
But if I would be absolute self-honestly honest with them and say everything what I can see as them as me as one as equal -- about their excuses, their enjoyments...for me those are became meaningless, simply just I realized I am not this. I dont like to see people eating meat and speaking about well, that is very good. I dont like to watch silly funny shit, I dont like to speak about spirituality, I dont like to speak about anything because every word what I speak, influences the whole world as one as equal as me. And that is not a game.

It is time to release him, as I was occupied with an idea about maybe he can understand, he can realize, but not now...now he chooses still to hide behind, until everything falls apart.
I said to him, about this is the END, but his mind consciousness system took absolute control upon the prisoned life essence and believing about this is neverending.
I also say I am I as self and he disagree, about there is no such thing as self.
I dared him to realize himself now, because there is nothing else that the moment...but actually he never experienced anything, except one thing: death. For one or two moments he experienced this end, this death, and as this system what he became, as experienced the stop but after RESTARTED - took the consequence about ok that is the unchangeable neverending story. That consciousness. But never was able to experience the consciousness systems to see how big mindfuck it is, just was enough to him to equate his mind polarity equation to release shit, and that were drugs, and now alcohol and sex to keep in balance the mind consciousness system.
I rather write this shit down then thinking about that, because some times I did and I just say enough. So now I write it down to see and transcend. I have to be absolute self-honesty..actually that is me...and I wanted to be like okeey, start slowly, and not being straight, but next time I will tell everything what he became as system as I see and what I saw and experienced with him also in the past...
And I said also as he is in constant fear, what he also disagreed, and I told him as he could see the truth, maybe would die in that moment literally or just run and scream and cry for hours, and he just laughed so after this I realized he is just simply not ready to face.
The attention is totally obsessed and posessed by this light shit...
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define that now he can understand and he can realize truth if I say to him.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use him as an excuse to not wake up unconditionally, no matter the cost to realize the truth.
So this conversations we finished. I wont participate about to argue with and about theese systems, until he do not read/see material at desteni, he has no chance to even understand the situation what he became...And obviously wont, as he dislike the whole stuff and gets angry of it and do not believe she is portal really...
I understood that he is the big stink in me about let go the past because he was a cool starting point for a while and still influencing me and he is really cool guy but now has became totally consumed by the system. Even a politician could use more common sense.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to participate in drugs.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to participate in spiritual lies.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am life as breath.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define him as an ally on my path.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is or I am a path.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define him as me as one, not realizing our mind conscious system is just the same kind, as all humans has this same kind of system what is now necessary to stop unconditionally.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use other people to put around me to be able to hide to not needing to face with "others" in this world directly.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not stand up and dissolve all definitions about me in people who I was with as friends.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to not realize that I am the directive principle of me.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to wanting to persuade him about oneness and equality just because my knowledge about this is "truth".
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not release him in my mind as a definied relationship to assist each other's mind consciousness systems, about "we know the spiritual truth we are on the right way to go to the light heaven" shit, by not realizing, or even questioning the Light about what if that is deception.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to not question the White Light about what if that is deception.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to define my perception about I am attracted to light, or I am attracted to dark, not realizing all the same: mind.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to massturbate as using my mind as literally rummaging in that shit and defining that as joy and not realizing that was the biggest deception: I was occupied in mind-definitions-shit and I definied to walk in and as that like joy as me, and not realizing that is the very nature of my formed, manifested self-lies what I couldnt leave.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to think that I need to expose spirituality, spiritual leaders and worshippers...instead of I just stop.

I stand up and next time when I meet with him, I will tell everything directly, no more strategy, no more fun, because as I say this I can release him, and as he will react in anykind of I can realize what a big shit I carried unnesessary what is simply not me but was tool to hide in fear.
I was fearful also to stand within the system alone because I was very dependent and I found him and I found buddhism and I merged both and theese 3 were connected as one system until I did not realize the deception and now I am here realized that I am not of theese but I am simply life as oneness and equality as breath.

So this is a point what I give up. And as I give up all my definitions, desires about him, this is the last column what was the basic foundation of my spiritual agenda. And now I forgive that, even the slightest participations...

What are more now atm, let's see...
The sexuality stuff is very cool to see the core, but I have to continue to put all that kind of experiences to front of me and now as I write it I already see, understand much from that but the details are very specific, in terms of what I have became at this moment trough those participations. So I will explain ALL sexual experiences and put to end that, because now I see how big occupator was/is that in my life...So Sexuality is interesting system in and as me what necessary to stop, and purify me...
Other issue is computer. As I sit front of computer, everything changes and that also goes back into my childhood, as I was about 9-10 years old when I started to use computers.

I am the source. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from that word: source.

I found a cool c++ compiler what can be easily use to fabricate computerprograms to assist me, as I will do a breath counter tool program to simply develop awareness while I am using computer ...for a while will be assistance...but first need some days/weeks to learn this...

Breath here. Waking up as breath as life.

A Powersource of me

I realized that my sexuality is the big powersource of my mind consciousness system. As the most attention diverter as deception. I let me deceived trough my parents, my schoolmates, my friends, the tv, the porn, the society, the university, and everything are literally suggesting that shit: FUCK!
But no more. I realized the law of my nature actually as a mind consciousness system. All sexual attitude what I designed, formed, built up trough thoughts and pictures -- were merely just pathetic experiments to trying to escape from the fact: that I am a slave. I am the slave of my own fear. As I was fearful when I was a little kid, I had to find out a method, how can I close those horrific fears into some secluded rooms in my mind to be able to not let me die from that. Simply it was so intense that I literally could not breath normally, I couldnt sleep, I just could not even think, just I was in an insane fear. Now yet no have idea for the cause, probably somehow that was specificly placed into me as that was necessary to make me to move accordingly to my preprogrammed lifeline in this world. And I did it. And of course I was easily controlable as everything was about my fear. And I was quite young when I met with sexuality, and that was interesting. In that time I even could not speak normally, just I pushed out some words trough my mouth, and the exact order I still cant put together, but about sexuality I have some experiences what shortly I just mention to make me remember and see the whole construct as one as equal as me to be able to see, to realize, to transcend as I am facing and directing myself as self-honesty as I am not this but my nature has this and what need to bring into awareness.
-I wrote before about the story when the other kids took me and literally grabbed my body and ran with me upon their head until i just screamed for a while, just because they shouted: "He does not know!!"- And after Carola came and took me into the toilet and showed her pussy and made her being aroused by my hand with her hand and that was strange, and I was really afraid (strange word, relly or rally but now just really..anyway..) and my attention of fear for a while diverted to her. And that was interesting. That was about some moments when I just forgot about fear...the anxiety and the excitement went up so much...when I was little kid, I could easlily feel what others felt, like I was not really separated from others, and I still have this ability but that was also the cause why I let me lost so much like as I didnt know who am I, but anyway...as she became aroused, I also became aroused and that w(hhhhaaa)as a point when my mind system boosted for a while to being able to supress my fear...and of couse I was curious...
-Grandpa obtained some videocasettes about porn and one was USA girls and that was maybe the first porn what I saw, and the other one was the Birthday girl. That shit I watched in secret, after the other kids and Carola showed her pussy but theese were specific(as all were, but the first ones in general have more effects, so) I was aroused, and I was still fearful, about they can catch me on watching that,blablalblbalbla..
-There was that guy who just came with me and we masturbated together, I was very little like ten, he was bigger, and in general I did it for him, but sometimes changed...was very strange, but I still had this ability about experiencing other as me and he was very aroused and he was apparently not afraid so I was on why not, sex seems to be more cool than living in a constant terror and horror, so sometimes we did...but not too much, as I was sure about that when mother would realize what we do, that would be shit big fall lol..
-I was very clever from the perspective of what demanded in school and I never had to force me to being able to just know - as my huge fear was very strong fuel for that, and also as I used my mind consciousness system as definitions, and pictures and informations and graphs, and shit like that, my attention just diverted again from fear..and I never had to step out from theese kind of roles in school, I had big sparkling blue eyes and I did not really spoke but than I said what needed to say to be classified as very good...no comment...So school was also a possible way to divert attention from fear...and sometimes even there I just became totally frozen from fear, for example when teacher asked and I had to say about a poemist (until 20th years I never understood-enjoyed poetry literally) and I just couldnt say anything but some I did and the teachress from there exceptionized me and I was favourite... and I brought up from them themselves somehow, and she handled me as a mother, and many other man teacher handled me like shit, even hit me and humiliated just for wanting to make me also men as their rule obsessed them and I was the one who showed them their nature what they have accepted and allowed to became...like one of them literally hit my head with his fistbones and I always had to scratch my head, was very painful..other one exactly knew that I was very inferior because my skin is totally white, and he always ordered me to take off shirt what I just hated...third one the math teacher literally hit my head into wallboard or daycare teacher gave so big slap then the ground gave the other immediately I fell like a puppet...and the list could go on but theese were merely well picked up examples to show what humanity became as the innocent kids are just standing with trust and their abusement apparently unpunishedly can rage...
For me was the same as I remember when I was alone and I was in nature, with plants and animals, for then I was not really afraid, and that was the only one what I enjoyed as innocent kid..but as I was amongst people, that was the same when they abused me or I was just around and I was fearful in my secluded mind-room and my eyes just shined silently...
-My family was also very lost, in the meaning of life was for them literally the survive, and mother was nice, and after she divorced from father(he was very scary guy and lonely, always was drunk and once he gave me his realization about we can die at any place in any time, and he lost in this one thought and that was after they divorced because he was drunk and pissed in his dreams onto mother and I also came here into this world as father was drunk and they fucked, mother was totally lost as she tried suicide but did not succeed, because a sick abuser wanted to make her marry and grandpa and grandma agreed, so she choosed death, but didnt happened and after she fell love into my father, who was very scared and lost and he drunk so much alcohol, so after a time he lost his sexual ability and also I started to be very very schrizophrenic and in that point mother left him and divorced)...So after that soon diffeent guys started to visit mother, and they in general just came did sex with her and went, and we hated with sister, because they ONEted to play as ruler, except one guy but that one was who just decided to not to come anymore..SO the whole shit why I started to write aaaaallll of this because:
when moth er did sex in the other room, my sister and me were silently listening what they did, and we never speak with each other on that, but was obvous she also couldnt sleep...and I was totally aroused, obsessed, and in those nights I was ABSOLUTELY fearful, as I was in dark, and noone moved around what could be followed as attention to focus, so I was alone with my own fear. I was alone with myself as myself. And couldnt sleep, just throbbled everything slowly and my heart was so loud that made me mad, I literally lost myself in every heartbeat and my breath was like broken, splintered, smashed trough this fear as that made me literally frozen as my mind consciousness system just manifested and abused my own phisical body extensively...
And when mother did sex in other room, that another part of me came along, I didnt experienced the wall between us, I was with and as them, I heared every slight sound of them, and all my attention was like pinchers in absolute focus and I experienced their sex in my body..I was so much like aroused, as all my part of my body was boosted up like ..you know..when you are close to orgasm and that was a regular possibility to divert my attention from my fear. From my accepted nature what I couldnt bear with and as myself.

Theese were some basic placements of my scale of my energy what were simply my own fear. What I always used, what always determined and moved me and that made me so predictable, so easily controllable and so easily I ate all kind of deceptions easily what was connected to theese kind of experiences just going until the most exteme ones as psychedelics and spiritualism to divert my attention of me and of my own fear from myself.
And that is my very nature of me, I have become this and this is what I am stopping, because I see that I am not this. I am not this. Just as simply now I wrote it down, anyone who can read also can realize it easily: I am not this.
I am nature, I am LIFE. I am breath. I am HERE.

I could write for more ten hours about this, but now just stop it by a practical solution what now I am starting to apply unconditionally to stop this madness...

As i see a woman what is merely a picture presentation of her accepted and allowed mind consciousness system in and as her, and I experience some attraction as even a slightest inner reaction, like desire, like ANY comment, thought, feeling, emotion...I simply put her into me as me as one as equal, and I apply self-forgiveness
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to separate me from myself.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire an another me separatedly.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire joy, not realizing that I am joy.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to form this sexual escapism what is not me.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from me.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear being with me as me.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am oneness and equality.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself not realizing that theese pictures are of the mind and all has the same nature as deception.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to being attracted to those kind of pictures as woman bodies, faces who I definied such as beautiful or exciting or ANY kind of definition.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to became a mind consciousness system.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not being here as the totality of me as the unification of me.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to abuse my own breath trough this mind consciousness system.
I forgive myself that I choosed mind as the fragmentation of my breath instead of realizing that I am the oneness and equality as here as breath.

Etc etc etc...
That is the only way to rid off this shit from me, and I am not hesitating as I did not let any other chance to get this over and I give up everything easily as I realized all were merely just because of this, and I am simply not this. I know that I will be faced with transcendence points as about do I touch myself again/force me into pussy --- OR---- facing the biggest fear(what is simply fear of fear of losing the mind of fear itself) to let go everything and as I already made the choice, I know that I will not fall again..I do not accept anything less than who I am...But now not enough to state out the choice, I have to literally understand it word by word. Moment by moment. Breath by breath. Slowly but surely stop this madness, until all being as one as equal as here not manifested as life.
And it is done and it is here. I am life.

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And at the end I quote from the Caribbean pirates 3 LOL this makes sense...
What is the trick in living?