Sunday, January 27, 2008

Story of my life 2/3 - University, drugs, experiencing the White Light

University in Debrecen

(hereunder i use some letters as names: C was my wife for a while, B, and S. were who I lived with)

We were ten people in one room in the student hostel, I was very scary at that time, on the first day, when I was moved there was the last day that my mother made hot cacao for me – as before she did on almost every day in my life. It was not soo cool, I felt like an imprisoned animal in the city, I had to go outside under trees, for getting less intense some strong depressing feeling and the roommates were different kind of guys, but almost liked to being drunk, more and more, what almost everybody did at the university around me and I did not want to do it, my mother’s view held out in me for quite some time, but I also went with the others to pubs and I drunk cola and about after one month I drunk alcohol at first time, when I was being told to drink a rum – and as I was held my first short in my hand, one of roommate said to me: “Do not forget, you have to start once on the steep, s after that there is no turning back.” The short went down easily in the begining – after as I drank, my inhibitions went away – as I started to drink more, I could dance with girls, but I could not dance, I never could speak with girls...they liked my “seemly innocent” nature of wildeness what I had, the handlement of me, the predictableingess of me how I was.

Meanwhile I still could not sleep, I had terrible dreams, massacres, death, hell, satan, falling, fear, etc...Once I met with a cute psychologist girl(she was on learning that), who were around to find somebody to fill her test. She liked my wild glance and bit barbaric behavious, and I also helped to her in “the case of computer”, what in she was stupid, and even hated too. Sometimes we met, she realised I was very clever and her studies she could “put through on my brain”, so like that she learned what got teached. Of course soon I started to like her, and in that times I did not experienced girls to coming to me, and she also realised that she could open me with some vodkas. I fell into love, she had shame spending time with me with her psychologist friends, who called me behind me “demented”, and she even not admitted to herself that she loves me a little. She said that I have no chance, because “she liked the muscled boys”, who were more “manlike”, and I was never like that, even I did not liked those kind of guys, it hurted me much this whole story. Hopelessly I started to drink more, as all of us in my room, we were totally maxed and we had taken every opportunity for “party”. I did not give a shit for exams, and my fears did not weakened. Even I started to forget those, because after a time I could not open myself for her, because something rough came to surface and I had became to an animal. As I forgot, as I could play the male ego, what she wanted to find in men. Inbetween I lost my consciousness in exam, only from fear, from fear from I will be kicked out and I should have to go into factory to work and I will become like my family.

I was terribly frightful, plus I got a thesis what I knew, but yet I lost my mind, it was too much. With C(cat-like is she) there was something, but never what I wanted, to be fully “mine”, and I even did not know how I could to make pleasure for her, I just tampered her thingy haha, it was failure, and of course as she just “took” mine, I was blowned away, ejaculated, she was the first girl who touched that.

I remember some of my dreams what I never forget: I am in a cemetery, between immersed tombstones, in the hard ground, there is fog and night. I was there with full of consciousness and the Reaper himself stood near of me, frankly, the hooded one, Death himself. I did not see his face, just he asked me: “Do you want the power?” – I was frightened, I did not wanted power from him, I did not understand what was going..In another dream I experienced my throat was cutted, I felt that my skin on my neck, nerves, larynx was cut by the sharp, cold blade and my hot blood flooded the silverly metal and I felt instantly coldness, better and better and in one moment my body started to chilled, getting gold and in one moment my chest became cold too and the world swinged away: my body leaned off like a sack and I had experienced that in my head, and while that I had tried to kick forward, for “do havoc into my attacker”, but my foot powerlessly just moved a little and the whole vision went away soon and in the night at the student hostel I woke up, and I screamed extensively, and I put my hand onto my neck and I gasped and I was frightened. Meanwhile I’ve became good friends with roommates, we became quite big drinkers and we did big parties, I drunk more alcohol, those friends tried to speak me down from C, because they felt pain because i was down of her, but I said “you do not understand/do not feel that”...I had problems with the exams, because I never learned, I experienced failure, second-exams, the roommates were fucked up too, because of their inner experiences...

I was totally exhausted, after 3 bottles of wine I started to smile, about “ok, let’s go party”. Nerve, fear, stress, fail, moneylessness, I felt me as a defencelessness, helplessly drifted wreckage.

Around me everybody was similar, every day was totally fucked up, fear from exams, terrible, jackal, bleeding parties we did, animal-likeness, rebelling...Once C has escaped from me for a friend, and I followed her and she rejected me again and at this time I cried many many many. I was sitting in the stairway, and one guy came out from somewhere and threatened me with his fist, about hitting me apart. It was totally unaffected to me, I did not feel anything, I just looked him tottally bursted out. Then C came out, took me in and we spoke much, after that she went to sleep. I sat into the window, and I felt like: no more, now it is over. I jump out. And in that point something happened. Something, something changed. Like an angel came to me and husssssss, the desire for jump out went away. Since that I did not cried. From that point I did not sobbed, many times I experienced tearing, but so intense cryout, like on that night, never came back again. I had promised that I wont feel pain because of women.

C soon flied to US, she escaped from me, and Ive became a sucidic wreckage. It happened for example one roommate saw me on the street and catched my clothes and pulled me back from the experience of tram hit me, and I even did not perceived that, I was totally burnt out zombie who just walked up and down.

After, after-after that slowly I climbed back my previous-like life, except this thing with C and I supressed that.

Meanwhile with my roommates we made astonishing parties, we did jackal animal-like drunkeness, we stealed much, in general glasses, but for just break them, for being 20 of them on my desk...Once with my best friend we made blood-contract. He cut my hand a little, and I had to cut my hand, but the knife was not so sharp, so I forced much more and “I opened a pussy in his fist” – he said “you fucked out my hand”, but after that it had to be needled at the duty. For example our room was the most dirty in the hostel, it was announced in the student’s hostels gathering by the seniors, and strangers came into the room to look around about “hello, we heard this is the most rough room here”...Literally we raged until bleeding, mad animals we were, I was played always with kinives, I had always bleeded my hand, I slept with my knife too...Once the others literally smashed out a guitar and they chewed those parts...We had visited the most rough punk concerts, we did pogo until bleeding, stagediving, etc. Manymany times I got situations like “strongers” wanted to smash me out, but never occured. Somehow I always felt like “I am invulnerable”, that truthfully I wont have problem – and like that I did not had. There was always like a hairthread what saved me...not like others...Sometimes they got one-two. From hooligans, or when cops catched us, because we were did chaos in the city etc...I was brutally rebel, I could not bear anything or anyone upon me. Punksongs, hardcore, heavy metal were my favourite music, I was listened theese...

I escaped into chatting internet roleplay when I did not spent time on being drunk, where I had to obliterate monsters on various territorries, regards to my cast: I was wizard. Many times I did in that game, and I had to go into the “cathedral” to “pray” for rebirth, for regain objects, for being able to communicate, to collect money, to advance: in the library for money to learn or kill on various territorries. For example camelot(arthur, lancelot etc) or arabia(mameluk, dervis, rats) etc. I played many many many, Ive became professional, after that I made many characters in that game, and there was a thing like outlawed. That meaned I not only could killed those monsters what were regenerated in every 15 minutes, but the other outlawed too – the other players. That was the real challenge, we formed clans, we killed, cheated, found bugs, for using them to making advantages for “reach the maximum”, but I played so intensely that I dreamt textually, but some roommates too, who also did that. In that game I found a girl who was sadness of love and she started to love me, she never was my case but at last my male ego could eat, I could did fuck, and the girl was not poor(I was, she gave me food), but was very hysteric, even self-hurting. I remember I was licked her pussy at the first time in the kitchen of my student hostel, but I did not liked her smell, but I wanted to lick so much, I did so much that I became unwell from her smell...But after that used to. I WANTED. We met weekly-2 weekly, we made “love” much with condome, I slept at her family, but truthfully I always liked more her bigger sister, who always talked jestingly with me, and my girlfriend got hysteria sometimes, and after 8 months, after a short morning sex I ejected her, and while i escorted her to the station – it was 3 hours – she cryed constantly, so I felt some offending, but I had to do it, because I started to be shit-kicker.

As it has finished(still played 10-12 hours on that net game), i got chat on university’s server with C. from Boston, about whats up, she will come home soon. It happened like that, meeting, little cherrywine, after that sex. I even not realised that, I was horrified inside, I was waited for her saying that it is just a joke, a newer pain etc...I needed some months while I realised that she “really loves me”. She said that she did not find better in america too. She was in refusing to believe that somehow I very-very improved in sex, because amazing cool was with me for her. She attributed that to the other girl who I was with before. I started to be less time with my roommates, I focused on her. In practise I was spending all my time with her, my friends of course were not happy about it of course, after that I leaved my room from that student hostel(I had to climb to her in window before), and started to live together. I gave up everything for her, and she still was not “mine”. I was fearful from that once a bigger male “ego” will take her from me, around in that time she got that name of C. She was also afraid too, she jealously guarded me, because I was arounded with many girls, for me even in my brain did not come up about I should need “them”, even when I was drunk with 5 girls and we tumbled and tickled each other here and there in a bed for example. Ok with one girl could be something, but I choosed C, and I never changed my mind, so I was stable in that, me, a man who was a man of utmost points. C could not bear that, she did the same too, but she did something little more.. For me that was like scars what caused never lasting, enormous pain in my inner core of my very being. C started to „sleep”, she slept 13-16 hours in a day, she enjoyed her dreams, flied, etc...It was never good on any way, in that time I started to get to know with B. who I saw at the first time when I moved to the student hostel of the university at my very first day there. He and his friends were legendary drinkers, we went with them to skicamp sometimes, but there also I was also jealous and arguments and I was crampy. For example in that time C. took antiallergic pills and she drunk some onto it and while I was drunk, she wallowed with a local guy in the snow. I was horribly suffering. What I liked, that I was sweeping on the ski without thougts being one with nature. But I could never reach C., she was always faster. She started skiing more before than me.

In that time C. bought a computer to me for thousand dollars, she said that I will pay back, if I will get many from that knowledge what I will learn on that machine. I never saw so many money before, when I was holding that dollar, I watched it and I did not feel anything but special, but somehow yet. With one-two roommates from the college we became members of a amateur group, who were deeply, almost like on project-leveled we worked with Java programming language, lectures, linux, it gave me much more practice than what I had to learn, what were only really just theoretical stuffz, with very little practice. So there I became practised in my skill. I got diploma, B.too, we started to live together in Budapest.

Budapest, drugs, experiencing the White Light

I had found a job easily(my professional CV was strong then, self-motivated group, summer degree, quite good in programming etc), for 800euros I earned in a month(before that I got about 15 euros for a month), I started to smoke marijuana. The ganja itself was very stuff, at my first experience I was terribly scared. Very very very much. I was smoked a sip from a bong and in essence I did not feel anything. After they said, do smoke another one. After that I said I feel strangely myself and my friend said the man does this for „feeling strangely self”. I got many concepts about behind the curtain there is something, or my friends speaks me out when I was peeing etc..

I could not speak!!! Not at all! But I knew, I need to phone! All I could to say „I MUST PHONE!”. But like very fastly „imustphone” haha. Afther this I was showed a phone, but I could not speak! I did not understand, that my other 2 friends how they can even speak, laugh, joking, enjoying music. A microphone were go around, with effects, they said something into that, but I could not..after that another guy came, they smoked more and I was just sitting and blinking...after that we went out into a chinese food, we had to across a 4stripped street, and I was totally sure about the commando will catch me, because I used drug, and the cars will hit me. But after that: not. After that we went into that chinese food place, the others ordered food, I did not believed that the woman is speaking hungarian, she had very strong accent and I could not endured without laughing „cpicy, nocpeacy”. I had to go out while others were eating...But the fear with the marijuana did not come up like that again, I found it interesting, I started to change. Apparently I could bear to handle my feelings, my thoughts became „seedy” etc. C in that time at the university in the other city was finishing the diploma, we met at weekends, we started to be far from ourselves. Even phisically, even in experiences. Before that, still in the university she gave me a book, Feldmar Andras: rainbow of consciousness states. I read it 3 times in succession, It influenced me much, but I did not understand it as well.

He explained that we are so scared and about die, and „mystical experiences”, especial ayahuasca, 5-MEO-DMT and LSD, it was about family inprinting, helping on people without medicals and about his teacher R.D. Laing and things like that.

Meanwhile arguments, work, spending money, smoking ganja. I started to listen different music, trip-hop, ambient. Massive, Tricky, Portishead, Radiohead, Tool etc...

After all LSD came. B said that is like the ganja, but stronger one, and haha after this experience I will more clean in room (I lived like a pig in dirt).

2002.02.21 was the date when I ate a 2/3 blotter, what was quite intensive, and I felt like that was not enough. C than, when we just took the acid, said to me, that is finished, breaks with me, and says this now, before the effects will come, for not will be like that will be said from the acid. The most funny was in that, next day we married by paper, for getting green card for her, and her family even now does not know this marriage, because they are very religious. I felt the LSD like a tool, which I could handle my mind. But I feld like I should get a whole one, so I felt like I was not enough to break trough in my mind, but almost. I remember, I was lying on the appartman’s livingroom between many stuff, garbage and I almost became one with the whole system, I felt like I were too like a piece of garbage, but something very little remained, what I used for to define me – ergo I just smelled into something, what I could not see trough, but was shiveringly deep and strong...(the Unified Consciousness System probably)...

And after all theese “high” experience I remember I made sex with C. and was like empty was me just somehow littlebit transparent I was but very dark and sticky at the same time, and the orgasm was quite intense, more than others...

In that times, new person started to live in that apartmann, called S, who did big impression to me, because he was very loose, very uninhibited and always smoked and he did like LSD. So he and me went to a drum and bass party at 2002.04.30, where I experienced at the first time that my mind stopped.

At a tram’s stop we took a half acid, and I dropped another half, we searched much in the dark in the grass, but after I realised I did not dropped it haha...after that we went to the party’s direction. I started to experience on the way that I am slipping out somehow from that picture, what in I was before, fell apart the picture, who I identified myself with...After that we reached the party, manymany people were standing there: typical party was: 2 entrance: VIP and normal – into the VIP i saw the ones went in magestically, and we were wretching in the mass to get in...littlebit it was like a fever. Around 40...I well said to S that -what I said, now I wink- “I am screwed out in and outside as well” or something that...and he pushed me just silently at my left part, about psst! After a century we got in, and I felt in that time like my body is so strainless and me inside is so heavy and everything was so rough, everything was so angled, what I did, I felt my body very intensively, like when you take a big rock and you get your act together to lift it up and after you start to lift it up and it goes like HUSS just like that...likely it does not have weight, like my strenght could be on maximum, or like when you move the mouse, and the cursor’s sensitivity is on maximum and you even do not see where the cursor is gone, it moves so much...and like I could shovel a mountain without becoming tired, but after all, we got in, and we went straight into the “chill” part, and in that time I followed S without condition, I felt this trip now is much stronger, but we took only the half of it yet...we sat into 2 giant armchair and the HOME CLUB neonsign on the wall was flowed,flickered slowly but surely – as the DJ mixed the VERY LOUD breakbeat music! EH! S. put out the another half ones acid blotters onto the table –meanwhile there was numberless people around everywhere, about thousand ---and S asked “Well?” Onto this I took one of that half, I put it onto my tongue and CLING I took it. He too. We lied back and from that point hm it was quite similar feeling when in the movie Neo has been pulled out from the system, really(I saw before that movie many times, but even I did not understood it really). So after that S said, let’s look the dancefloor, and we went in, there were many people, but really, like that(I just found this pic from that party)

And what I remember is that I could not see so far, just only that where I step, only that, but front of that there is an endless precipice, an empty nothing, and that one-two meterlike sphere is where in I experience, and beyond that there the eternal endless nothing of chaos is gaping/storming. S soon found his place in the dancefloor and started to dance, while I walked up and down in the thick smoky corridors, the many faces were vibrating in UV, I saw very much desperated, deformed faces, and after that once I experienced myself just standing on the corridor, between other people, making together one more layer on the corridor on both side to surround the walking beings.

I felt like myself like a corner, like I see trough a fish-eyed optical and I am moveless. I felt like I could see into everybody, I could see everything what is in erverybody..After that I walked around, I looked into the dancefloor, many many questions came up, continously, I was looking for S for asking something or somewhat because I started to get less and less what is happening...In the dancefloor the drumandbass stormed, thousands of people danced, everywhere people were hanging, there was dreadly hot, nothing air, smoke, yet green lasergun raged around and the people as they danced, upon them I saw laserpeople danced, whose were projections of the belowed people, and that the music was so loud so I could not even think more, so intense, so strong, I felt it in my chest, in the porules of my lung, the music came out from me, i was the music, it was like like only VAAAAAAAAA and VAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

After that the music stopped, there was a sound like that: TUNK TUNK TUNK TUNK, on an on, more slowly, even more and as I followed this sound with my mind and everybody there and at the same time and all together and after silence and ÁÁÁÁÁÁÁ

After that suddenly the TANG TANG TANG started again, slowly, slowly, faster, even faster, and people screamed, AAAA after that was so fast like TANGTANGTANGTANG so continously sound like TAAAAAAAAAA and after that the fast break beat restarted and the whole mass like a quicksilver stream danced and after that no picture no sound, just quiet silence flooded everything like liquid White Light and no more and what I remember I take a breath and no more...

Everything stopped totally, I totally dissolved in the White Light. I had became with that for maybe hours, time space met, here I do not have any memory, only intense unconscious White Light what flew into everything and I had become to this and even myself I did not know what it is, but suddenly after x time the system restarted, and I remember that I looked my palm and only I could say and think that “What is?” And What is? WHAT IS? (what is happening, what is this, what what? What is this, etc. In hungarian this is literally 2 words: what and is). This was for so long, and I could not form any thought more concretely. What? I was walking up and down, as like in theese parties in theese times in little paths, people like ants flowing and very much and faces and faces faces but I can only to do this WHAT IS? And What is? What IS? This was very very much time and I could not be more concrete like this, like more else...

Inside there was nothing, what could give an answer, I remember I was walking and sat down and WHAT is? And only this was all thought what I got, nothing more, so I had to stop this for a while and to find something in my deeds, to find the “meaning” or the (mind itself?) in my deeds...I was looked at the people and I looked into many eyepairs, but there were very smal, who(very-very small) looked into my eyes like “they were seeing into my eyes, as to ME, and not only just to look to a face and eye, like a picture at the front of their nose, everybody were so fucked up, it seemed like a totally mad hell, a crazy meaningless neurotic restricted prison...the people looked me strangely, they perceived me “sober”, I felt hunger, emptyness in my stomach, so I went to the chill’s buffet and I asked a sandwitch, but that was a vampiredrugcave, the girl in the buffet looked at me for asking a sandwitch like I should asked a machinegun, I bought a refreshment drink and I took out the paper money from my briefcase and the girl was still busy to fill it out to the glass and she had like strange catlike demonlike painting was her face and was scary, and as I leaned on the high counter, with the paper money in my hand, I looked on to it and wwwwow, it looked very complicated, amazing depths were on the money, the lot of geometric illustrations, the colors, the deep chasms, sucked me in one moment, I was just staring the money, I do not for know how much time, after that I looked up back and the girl was there with raised hand front of me: waiting for getting the money, god know for how many years, huhh I just hold out quickly and she gave me some, what I even not dared to look, just thanked it and moved along...after while I saw that coated people are coming from somewhere...In that moment I still could not think only deed an and reaction...cause,effect...Once I reached the entrance, and I did not see the door, just I saw that people literally are coming out from the wall! And after that I asked that where is the exit, right there standing at the front of the door, and the muscled suited security showed onto the wall and there manifested a big metal door! I stepped there suddenly, but could not open it, he helped me, with neutral face looked at me like a demon was holding the door for me and asked that: Do you come back? I did not understood it, I could not interpreted it, and there was a girl too and asked :Do you come back? Whaat? DO YOU COME BACK HERE? OH! Yes – I literally could not imagine who wants to come here, so I could not interpreted that, but like that I realised I came with a guy who is still in, so I said Oh, YES! So I got a bracelet, or a seal, and as the big security was still holding the door : I stepped out to the fresh air. That was a moment.

The door was snapped aloudly, stimulies flood me: At first to realise, there is not only that party exists, the airless, smoky, crowded, space-UV-party laser smokemachine VERY LOUD breakbeat music, but there is an outside, there is fresh air, trees, sky and not so far away taxies, policecars were standing and after that I realised at the first time in my life that here is something very very wrong. Inside everybody was totally bended up totally from theirselves totally out-drugged people, about thousand one; but outside the policeman were guarded all of this peacefully. ????? Thoughts came, system, control, layers, etc...

I went back, it was so different. I was flowed in that, I could walk, I could see more than one meter, I found S, who just „danced” all over the night, and I felt like I can not ask from him, even he do not want really to speak, because he was dancing, like a machine...after that we went home, without words, and I remember he was just walked up and down in his room, while he could fell asleep.

I never saw man like him, he never read anything, was strong and determined, always was busy about drum and bass, cars, work, and smoke and dance –or he just looked tv like a statue or slept..he seemed so free but on other way so lost..more likely than a demon, but not malicious..C always said that he is psychopath, but he wasnt...

I was reading a pulp fiction, it was Steve Perry, „The man who never misses”, was about that there is a man who himself can scare, overbalance the whole confederation, to pull out so much soldier for changing the system, and, as how he trained himself and he worked with little altatotu and he could put the soldiers for a half year into coma, and he was fallen as the bartender of the canteen, when this half year passed and the ones who awakened, identified him, but until thousands of soldiers, many squads he neutralized, like the “rebels”, the “resistance” alone, what they never figured out, and he planned all of this on awareness. It looked determined for me, I started to typing diary, I had confidence about the future, I knew here was some kind of reset, I thought, it will forms out. At the first time in my life I felt very big confidence, but not with me, but like with the whole system and inside me for example as an ant....Later I found aikido, Zen, I sat much, just sat, for smoothing over the mirror of the lake. I could silenced my mind, but It was like an ability for a moment, I never gave in my weist really, I never broken up I could never give up. I continued consuming LSD, but like at the first time, I never experienced, so intense, so strong, so “satisfying” all-pervading release. After that once on one acidtrip something happened, like mind switched off but for a moment, but like inbetween I still had like some memories about it, so I do not know...It happened, mind stopped for a moment, and after restarted more strongly, I started to manipulate with memories with thoughts, I wanted to figure out what is happening. Quite often I took the acid, while continously smoked cannabis and practiced aikido. I realised that no one knows anything, everybody are locked in the matrix, even my aikido sensei, who had abilities what I never seen before, especially about disciplining the mind for focus and martial arts but his wife was a monster and she owned him extensively what he did not even mentioned or if yes somewhy he submited himself under her. And that of in truth there are very some people only who are questioning that about there could be more over this, about to live without thoughts. I turned over from my friends from the university(except B. and friends who I smoked), I saw that they are slaves of the material, the armchair, the tv, the car, the credit, I was with B and S(they did not liked each other), I wanted to escape, and i spaced out into spiritualism, to find a refugee, again not in me but who mentioned similar experiences like LSD, like death-experience, like ghost-world, what is absolute reality, etc. I took acid alone, I took acid with company, in city, in nature, with friends, with strangers, on parties, i “ate” it everywhere where I felt I could fear on totally acided, to “facing” with that – to prove to me that I am not scared. Because I was scared still, but I learned to handle it, to supress. My small intestine ulcer, inside was too much acid, I got little hole inside me, medicines, and after that I stepped over on theese somehow: my knottiness passed, the sickness, everything.

With C our things went on the wrong way, we were together still, but we not really “sexed”, she said as I continue smoking, my dick wont stand up, and dared cautionness me...At my workplace managers weighed down me, what I droved down on C, I stopped to be kind with her, love gone, but could not supress to show this up. My refugee, what C was before, now LSD and White Light became(acid in slang also white light oh shit;)

Pilgrimage in spain

We even went to pilgrimage together, to reform our relationship on Camino de Santiago, in Spain, it was amazing, just walk, and all day in nature, not much money, we had 3 more friends who after a time started to show up does not like C. because she owns me and she was like silly goose in their eyes...After some days I experienced some strangeness, something started like I was on acid, but from not struggling, just walking...Once I had a very strange experience, at a pilgrimshelter I met a girl who was french and she was quite beautiful but I did not speak her...But anyway was full moon, and in that time I could not sleep more than 4-5 hours, and everyone slept in, and I went out to garden to experience moments under the sky, and this girl she was so strange for me, and we sat and I experienced so much braveness, so much freedom, so much some kind of me, what I never saw before...just like siting and speaking not even more than 20 words...and my wife came out and she did not dare to come to us, but was huge problem for her...And after that(nothing happened, once our shoulders touched accidently, that’s all), but my wife was extensively jealous, and I was at the same time very strong, like others came on the pilgrim way like slow donkeys, and I ran with my heavy backpack, and climbed up to everything, and running back like who has infinite energy...It was amazing, and day by day I met with this girl, but never happened more than some words and C started to freak out, I was honest about not this girl is special but something else was and now I am like (poor bastard) more free...and of course I did not given a shit to C and friends made joke because I fucked, haha but not, never cheated, really, and once I lost the way on pilgrim road, I was always like that: I walked fastly much, and after just was lying and enjoying to one with I went forward next day and some german girls came, they were so cute and spoke and singed to me together and one started to get sunstoke, and accidently we went to on another way, what leads to the same city, but was 10km longer...and we did not have many water, but that girl always stopped under sun(there was very hot, Spain, summer) and I was like so determined about I pouring all water onto her head because she didnt looked well...and after she became better, and we saw a dried river, and in that saw many many many sheeps was directed by shephard and his dogs, and many sheep was injured, exhausted from the hot. But all followed each other...Was so strong experience poor animals...

After that I met with C at the guesthouse, and we were very happy, about drinking water and was no problem...after that C was not so happy about I appeared with 4 cute german girls in top who were also happy, and was strange...And next morning C felt down from the stairs and her ankle went out extensively, and we tryed to continue the walk, but after some kms didnt worked...She went into hospital, and we were fucked, we stopped pilgrimage, we went up to the see into a camping and she took rest, and I walked upon a 481 m high mountain, I had to climb up and I was curious about I will find the answer upon there and after that I reached the top and I saw some bulls and cows were watching me on their face like “wha?”... ok about pilgrimage that was enough, after that we continued by bus, and at the end C could walk slowly limping, and one more! At Lavacolla, near Santiago, there were an airport, and I was stood front of the fence, and I saw a plane landing front of me and from my total heart I wished that if only the brake of the plane could not work, it will be a relevating moment as it hits me extensively, but didnt happened....We reached the end of the pilgrimage, we got paper of it, and we got back to Budapest and started to live together in Buda.

Next time I will write about psychedelic community, travels and buddhism, and some more specific White Light experiences and search for truth, finding desteni.

thanks, tala


Joe said...

"Once with my best friend we made blood-contract. He cut my hand a little, and I had to cut my hand, but the knife was not so sharp, so I forced much more and “I opened a pussy in his fist” – he said “you fucked out my hand”, but after that it had to be needled at the duty."

That scar is still clearly visible. It was a pretty stupid thing to do, but I never regretted it. :)
When I see it it reminds me of so many (mostly good) things. We came from a similar family so we were broken the same way, but we shared ups and downs throughout those years, and it meant a lot to me.
It is not easy to tell from your blog how are you now, but it is good to see that you alive and not completely lost. :)
Maybe we can catch up sometime if you are in Budapest, to drink 1 or 10 4/1s (NOT! :))
I really hope that you find your path, and if we never meet again, we are still connected through that scar.

Talamon Joseph Berta said...

Awww, sure Joe, about in two weeks for instance we could arrange that catch up and to give a hug - btw I recently rewatched Vato Loco anyways, so how about to face at the cave of Xiesis with no 'butykos';)