Thursday, January 31, 2008

Dream on hq, thoughts, Bernard

I just read Veno's story at first time as I explored Structural Resonance and it was the most interesting reading in my life.

After that I've decided to sleep, and as I put myself onto my sleeping bag and zipped in, I just slept in very soon, before that I did some whispering self-forgiveness.
I found myself in a room. The walls were white, there was a sofa, and near to it a table, front of this a wall.
I was on that sofa, and I just sitting there nothing special, but it was like I did not have mind, so was strange, I still felt my memories but was not there, just like somewhere else very far away...but I even not realised that in that time. But I realised that near me is Bernard sitting, and his face was like LJ but more likely a borderguard guy, who I worked with him recently at airport and was very cool guy but he didnt liked to work for the system, still he did it for some time before he can go soon to retirement, but anyway, I even could not realised what happening, because I was/am still influenced with the White Light, but I was just sitting there, and Bernard also was like sitting, or making funny faces silently or he even just layed back and seemed to slept, but not really. Those were my projections. Anyway, I was looked around, there was an another table in the middle of the room, and I started to see Bernard again, but he was like who is "sleeping" haha. It was like a bit when you are a child and some teacher calls you at his room and just sit near you but does not say anything, just you are there, and I felt little embaracement, but not many, I remembered for Andrew's first video, was a very littlebit like that. Anyway I started to just stare the wall, and it was like this for a while. After that I started to realize that I see many writing on that wall,firstly just some, were like felt-tip penned texts, little drawings, just front of me. Oh that's why I stared that, I was like that...was like some "plan", some design, some explanation...Ok I slowly moved my "head" around, -I do not remember for my body, etc - and I saw ALL of the walls are full of like that, maybe also on the sofa. And I looked back to Bernard and he showed many papers in his hand, and was smiling and those papers were like thin little cardlike flexible ones - but many, around more than hundred. Anyway I choosed one and I started to look that as I turned it around,
and I saw a writing on it. I started to read, but I realised shit, I do not have mind to read it, so it was like I was on acid really. Not easy to read, and as I "try" - does not work like that...I even experienced the letters disappeared and moved arond to play with me to escape from my focus like little kids. After that I read that, but I did not remember, there was mininum 2 or 3 sentences. Ah, I held it for a time, I realized that I can read without mind, but was like being one with that paper and just really be one and equal from a perspective...Anyway after a time I gave it back to him, and he looked me, and asked - no I am not sure, but I am sure I wanted to be sure I understand what was that, but I even not remembered to any words on it, so I said something like that : "my thoughts contains the solution for how to release them". And he showed again the pack of papers with his hand and he was smiling, making fun with his face a bit like on mischiveous way. Ok I drew another, and I started to read that, but was bit like much, in the begining I understood "country" something like that, but was not like that I was not sure...I am too much influenced with mind to got that message really. And those cards were like a "problem/solution" cards in diferent situations, but I did not get that one at any way whatsoever. I gave it back to Bernard and at that moment I looked to left and I saw 2 child came into the room, one was bigger, the small one was like one year old, the bigger one was like 1m 10cm, he's head was bit strange but like a child too. And that child said to Bernard that this kid can say back his name about who is he. Bernard said to him cool and
in the next moment I woke up here in my room and I was like amazed, also on that I just "changed" reality in one moment without any transformation, just like as you close a window on screen.. and now just typed it what I remember.

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

On Dimensional beings

I should to start with that they are not separated from us...just we had limited ourselves...
Not easy to explain this, soo much things...if you read Hitler's story..theese questions will be answered
http://www.desteni.co.za/knownEarth.htm (and just scroll down to Hitler's articles)

in short: the dimensional beings do not have mind, not have mind consciousness system, but the beings what "they really are" is still influenced with that what they experienced on earth as mind consciousness system - they are in human beings bodies being busy to assist human beings to stop their mind consciousness system... and they are still in the process...
also they are busy in that what people should influence to the world : they send theese effects of thoughts, emotions, feelings back to the experiencer's own reality to realize what they became
...what we became...so this is why our "ride" is getting more rough...everything what we did, do is coming right back to our own life to assist, to speed up the realisation...something like that, but this is not explains much, I suggest just go trough on the material on desteni...

History of Mankind
http://www.desteni.co.za/series/homk.htm


Merv Griffin 1 from the AFTERLIFE
Merv also gives a perspective on what he experienced on cross over, what is dimensions, how they "see", what they do
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-1941534362833035321

Story of Bernard:
http://www.desteni.co.za/Articles.htm
but here what I mentioned before (i was in that you read theese before;)
Especially on how he decided to delete the White Light:
Bernard Poolman - Life and Death
http://www.desteni.co.za/Osho/bernard2.htm

Desteni Productions : The Audrey Hepburn Series - She explains quite lot of process
http://www.desteni.co.za/series/audreyhepburnl.htm

First Molecule interview on The BEGINNING of Creation
http://youtube.com/watch?v=3oXZE0eoqUw

http://www.desteni.co.za/noknownearth.htm
(down there are the structural resonance articles)

Veno - PRACTICAL support and Guidance with Self Forgiveness
http://desteni.co.za/Osho/veno32.htm

Veno - PRACTICAL support and Guidance with SELF Forgiveness--Part 2
http://desteni.co.za/Osho/veno31.htm

enjoy
thanks ciao
Tala

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Fear, hiding releasing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put into an idea about I can hide from myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to "think" I can hide from myself as life as one and equal.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to save the whole world still hiding in separation instead of being one and equal the situation as me to be the directive principle of my life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not wanted to see the world in truth.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to wake up just because of fear of death.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to not even question the White Light as deception.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not wanting facing the world as it is now because of my fear of death.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to hide me from me behind pictures as pictures.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to wait.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed not being aware of my own breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to forget that I am breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed me to suppress myself because of fear of death.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to believe in such an ide like death.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to develop self-dishonesty extensively.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed and manifested the current situation of this world.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed me to not be my own director of my life because just of my fear of death.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to fear from death.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in fear as reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my own fear as energysource.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to manifest my fear of death.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to be influenced extensively from the White Light.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to use the mind to try hide from myself, just because of my fear of death.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to infect my inner core of very being's with this mind prison.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be in this reality just an equated mindset.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to identify me with this structural resonance just to use it for trying to hide from myself just not wanting to be life as onness and equallity to direct my own life as me as who I am really.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to fail into timeloops of mind just because of my fear of death.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed and manifested separation in this world. I stop. I stop everything what I did, even those what I wanted to, even those what I still want to do. I release theese constructed ideas, because I do not want to hide anymore from me, from others, from nothing. I am me as me as life as breath as onness and equality.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to wanted to find me separatedly from me instead of realizing that I am life as breath as onness and equality.
I am here to manifest this world as heaven in onness and equality, I dare to act me, stop hiding, expose all what is illusion, no matter the cost, we have to give up, we have to stop.
I forgive myself that I fear from my own power what I gave to the systems just because like that I believed that I never have to wake up, I never could wake up. I is inevitable. It is now.
I am wake up, I am strength, I am life, I am me, I am honesty, I am nature, I am eath, I am stable, I am life, I am expression, I am the unification of men. Already.

Moments of truth about fucking afraid I am but getting weaker as I write it out

this was a reply to ann's blog's on communicating

heyy heyy

at the night we just watched 12monkeys movie. Amazing. Contains everything. And that is fucking shit what I experience, I live with a guy who is actually is "just a guy" who is guitarist in a band, "very good" firend etc he sees me like who just always see that "girl speaking on that movies and chatting about matrix and like that" etc...and I always show him movies, when he started to live with me, he sayed that: let's look a movie..and I did not wanted, I just smoked, watched HOM and played games...Now we watch movies what he never seen, but wanted to see..And you know what, I saw theese movies many-many times, now I am speaking about especially 12 monkeys.(matrixes ,war of worlds etc we saw) But. I never understood really. In that movie I found me many many much, about what I want, who I want to be, what will happen, what happened with me, and! I never understood really, and this guy was just smiling after the movie and said some stuff, and I said to him "Ok, what if this all is preprogrammed? Also this and I raised my arm and moved slowly. What IS the difference is preprogrammed prese(n)t and moment? " --so he is very very special guy but ..the words what he sayed were also preprogrammed without even knowing...
That means the annunaki not knew that just about do a program, put beings into it and program themselves, slave them all with the White light, and like that the removing the White Light also was preprogrammed, also the process? Ok irrevelant...
How I can be the same than 10 generations before, when there were not movies, like that, or matrix, or even computers? Ok I can imagine it with the thoughts inside little codes, and thought picture now is different, but the code is same..strange...
And you know what was the fucking thing what made me do crocodile tears(the movie ends with no "happiness", but like endless loop in time, and mentions preprogramming, the "them who in the future in control", that "the world will be soon of dogs and cats humanity will destroy", many, and those in the movie spoke to people about stuff about "what will happen and noone believes etc" blablabla) and at the end of the movie there was a scene where I just saw a postcard holder box, what had the text "Hungary". WTF
So this is all preprogrammed, all, or not? What is choose really?
I am very very afraid to see the world as it is in truth. If I start to explore it just like pictures and "fly" from picture to picture - I start to be very very scary about this is very very very sad and now tears coming, because nobody wants to hear, nobody believes me, nobody wants to wake up, and I planned this to happen exacltly to bring me into a situation where I can fuck all my knowledge, all my ability to just click off the mind-because if I do it, I become really really really afraid and that comes out from the inner core of my very being what became as I start to explore, how I wanted to hide behind a sucker picture, and still...- to not see the truth in one as equal as me, because I was afraid to step out from that picture to direct the world as me)
strange

ok I am now sure that if I could start to wake up before- the White Light just could pull me out from existence- I did not have chance without desteni--
but until I did not know that fact that the White Light is removed - I did not the ability to just be one with it and "overcome" as Bernard to just remove it as he did it in his rage - until that I even not wanted to experiment with switching off the mind, just when I did, I was in conditions, not by wanting as me as who I am as in onness and equality - but I was just the part of the equation to keep it in balance - to be one with that without equality in real
shit it is very very true
and even now as I write about many time I stopped my mind wanted to say "no, you are mad" fuck the mind fuck I AM ME AS ME AS THE BREATH AS LIFE
and the White light knowed me, inside me as me really so it could equate still that
"stopping the mind for a while", still being sure that I will want to reboot it again to still hide AAAAAAAA

just another layer
thanks ann for being you as you and never believe what i say to you as a girl, because that is my vampire mind..now I see me and cry bit but this is life;))))and also if it is sad and painful: that is the life what corrode the mind as removing the reasons for desperately needing to hide from to express what we have really really inside as us until we do not prove us who we are in every moment no matter what around even the worst hell is manifested, that is just mind, picture world to play the math to keep us in polarity and force acts to hide from ourselves and each other...
and I still have problem in communicating, really, I just sometimes react like me as me, when I even do not know what will happen...because if I just sit down and ok now do it..that is mind, and like that just I act to hide still.. that's why cool to be between people...moment reveals as we are - we want to be - absolute self honest in/out as one as equal
uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
oks i put it onto my blog too
tala

Monday, January 28, 2008

Moment, afraid, mind, Structural Resonance

react on a letter on "meditation" to stop the mind and why afraid and anger comes up and we fall out from moment

Hey June

yes me too, I can take out the mind but actually not helps, this talamon is still the mind game...and if I click it off, ME come out who is a little kid who is still afraid from this world, I am so supressed, like the dimensional being who is ME is like pushed down, and has the ability to stop the mind, but like that as the being who I am really, actually starts to explore this earth like pictures but, as it is now, becomes afraid, and reboots the mind..strange, isnt it?
Probably needs patience...Bernard f.e. said that needs many loong years to clean the unconscious, subconscious, conscious mind first extensively to being able to just be ourselves..with applicative self-forgiveness...now I see it...Before it I did it many times with drugs, but like that just I comphounded my systems and as my starting point was deceived - all my percepcions just were same mind projection than before..
For me that's why I choosed self-forgiveness, as I develop the self-honesty, I can go deeper and deeper, why am I afraid so much...and on other way in theese moments just the layers opening, it is quite okey - but not fom the perspective of the mind...we have to cut our identification with it, and the Structural Resonance for me comes in here...
The rest of self-forgiveness list on the structural resonance points are still coming, but theese are the main ones(I am not sure, but for me yes)...and that Structural Resonance article itself is very revealing, why and how we connect to this mind-world.and it explains lot..and for me Hitler's story is still so... so helpful to put on perspective the whole process...but after the half of it starts with self-forgiveness, until just he places him on perspective...in the begining he is more on to describe the world systems and being him as demon
he was really really a lost terrible demon but not at all still in that situation...and you see he did it, now he is innocent..;) so we can make it for sure ;)
thanks tala

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Élettörténetem 2/3 - Egyetem, drogok, élmények a Fehér Fényel

Egyetem

(alább használok pár betűt, mint neveket: B, és S lakótársaim voltak, C pedig a feleségem volt egy ideig)

Tízen voltunk a kollégiumi szobában, én akkor elég ijedt voltam, az első nap, mikor odaköltöztem, volt az utolsó, hogy anyukám kakaót főzött reggel – ahogy előtte szinte minden nap az életemben. Távolról sem volt jó, bezárt állatnak éreztem magam a városban eleve, ki kellett mennem néha fák közé, hogy lecsillapodjon valami erős nyomasztó érzés és a szobatársak mindenféle arcok voltak, de szinte mind alkoholizált, egyre többet és többet, mint szinte mindenki az egyetemen körülöttem és én nem akartam, anyám mém je kitartott sokáig, de mentem kocsmázni a többiekkel és kóláztam s kb egy hónap után ittam először alkoholt, mikor is rábeszéltek egy rumra –s ahogy tartottam az első felest a kezemben, az egyik szobatársam azt mondta, hogy :”Ne feledd, egyszer kell elindulni lefelé a lejtőn, s nincs visszaút.” Könnyedén csúszott a tömény az elején –aztán ahogy ittam, úgy tűntek el a gátlások – egyre többet ittam, míg végül már lányokkal táncoltam, pedig nem tudtam táncolni, sosem tudtam lányokkal beszélni.. tetszett nekik az „ártatlannak látszó” vadság, a kezelhetőség, a kiszámíthatóság, amilyen voltam.

Mindeközben továbbra sem tudtam aludni, rettenetes álmaim voltak, tömegmészárlások, halál, pokol, sátán, zuhanás, félelem, stb.

Egyszer találkoztam egy aranyos pszichológuscsajjal a koliban, aki „alanyt” keresett valami teszt kitöltéséhez. Tetszett neki vad tekintetem és kissé „barbár” viselkedésem, emellett pedig segítettem neki „számítógép ügyben”, amiben síkhülye volt és utálta is. Párszor találkoztunk, rájött, hogy nagyon „okos” voltam és az egyetemi tanulmányait „rágatta át az agyammal”, így élőben sajátítván el azt, rajtam. Persze hamar megtetszett, akkor már rég nem jött soha oda hozzám csaj, ráadásul arra is rájött, hogy úgy tud megnyitni, ha pár „vodkát” leveret velem. Szerelmes lettem, ő szégyelt barátnői előtt, akik „demens”-nek hívtak, még magának se vallotta be, hogy szeret egy kicsit. Mondta, hogy esélyem sincs, az izmos fiúkat szereti, akik férfiasak, én sosem voltam ilyen, sőt ezáltal azokat nem is szerettem, fájt is rendesen ez az egész. Reménytelenül egyre többet ittam, mint mindenki a szobában, teljesen készek voltunk és minden alkalmat megragadtunk, hogy „bulizzunk”. Leszartam a vizsgákat, de a félelmem mit sem gyengült. Sőt kezdtem elfelejteni, mert egy idő után képtelen voltam C.vel(mert hát ő volt az) nyitni, mert mindig előjött valami durva és állattá váltam. Ahogy felejtettem, úgy tudtam eljátszani a férfi egót, amit ő keresett a férfiakban. Közben elájultam vizsgán, pusztán a félelemtől, hogy kirúgnak és mehetek gyárba és akkor olyan leszek, mint a családom. Rettenetesen féltem, ráadásul olyan tételt kaptam, amit tudtam, de mégis szétcsúsztam, a tudatom nem bírta. C-vel volt valami, de sose az, amit akartam, hogy teljesen „enyém legyen”, meg különben is azt se tudtam, hogy kell „kéjeztetni”, csak birizgáltam az izéjét haha, kudarc volt, és persze amint ő nekem megfogta, elélveztem, ő volt az első nő, aki hozzáért.

Emlékszem pár álmomra, amit sosem fogok elfelejteni: Egy temetőben állok, besüllyedt sírok állnak ki a göröngyös, kemény földből, köd van és éjszaka. Ott állok teljesen tudatomnál és a Kaszás áll mellettem, frankón, a csuklyás, maga a Halál. Arcát nem látom, s azt mondja nekem: „Akarod a hatalmat?” – Rettegtem, dehogy akartam hatalmat, nem értettem mi folyik. Egy másik álmomban a torkomat vágták, éreztem, ahogy a nyakamon a bőrt, az inakat, a gégémet metszi az éles, hideg penge és a forró vérem ellepi az ezüstös fémet és azonnal hidegséget éreztem, egyre jobban és egy pillanat alatt hűlt ki a mellkasom és lódult meg a világ: testem eldőlt, mint egy zsák és én ezt tapasztaltam a fejemben, s közben pillanatok alatt hűltem ki teljesen és közben az volt az utolsó emlékem, hogy próbálok rúgni egyet előre, hogy „támadómba kárt tegyek”, de lábam erőtlenül csak épp, hogy megmozdult és egész gyorsan kihúnyt az egész látomás és éjjel a koliban, „torkomszakadtából” üvöltöttem és fogtam a nyakam és lihegtem és rettegtem. Közben a szobatársaimmal igen jóba lettünk, egész nagy piások lettünk és sokat buliztunk, egyre többet ittam, a barátaim próbáltak lebeszélni C-ről, mert fájt nekik, hogy teljesen kész vagyok, de mondtam hogy nem értitek/nem érthetitek...A vizsgák nemigen mentek, mert nem tanultam sosem, kudarcot tapasztaltam, pótvizsgákat, a szobatársaim is kiborultak néha a saját „belsőjük miatt”...

Teljesen tönkrementem, három üveg bortól kezdtem mosolyogni, hogy na jó menjünk „bulizni”. Ideg, félelem, stressz, kudarc, pénznélküliség, kiszolgáltatott, tehetetlen sodródó roncsnak éreztem magam.

Körülöttem mindenki hasonló volt, mindennapos „készlét”, vizsgapara, iszonyatos sakál, vérző bulik, állatiasodás, lázadás. Egyszer elmenekült előlem egy barátnőjéhez, utánamentem és ismét visszautasított és ekkor nagyon nagyon nagyon sokat sírtam. A lépcsőházban ültem, nem tudtam visszatartani, végeérhetetlen kisütése volt a felgyülemlet iszonyatnak. Emlékszem bőgve énekeltem valami punk nótát a lépcsőházban ülve, s kijött egy fiatal arc, s az öklével fenyegetett, hogy szétver. Teljesen közömbös volt, semmit sem éreztem, csak néztem rá teljesen kiégve. Akkor kijött a C., bevitt, sokat beszélgettünk, aztán egyszercsak elment aludni. Kiültem az ablakba, és úgy éreztem: nincs tovább, most vége. Kiugrok. És akkor valami történt. Valami, valami megváltozott. Mintha egy angyal jött volna és huss, a kiugorhatnék elszállt. Azóta nem sírtam. Azóta nem zokogtam, rengetegszer volt, hogy könnyeim folytak, de oly intenzív sírás, mint azon az estén sosem volt többé. Megfogadtam, hogy nő miatt többé nem szenvedek.

C hamarosan elhúzott az USÁba, menekült előlem, én egy öngyilkoskodó roncs voltam. Volt úgy, hogy egy szobatárs fogta meg a ruhám és hátrahúzott, hogy ne üssön el a villamos, én szinte észre se vettem, teljesen kiégett zombiként járkáltam fel s alá. Aztán, aztán-aztán szép finoman visszamásztam előző-szerű életembe, kivéve ezt a C. dolgot, ezt elfolytottam.

Közben elképesző bulikat rendeztünk a szobatársainkkal, sakál részeg leállatiasodást, sokat loptunk, általában poharakat, de hogy aztán összetörhessük, hogy legyen az asztalomon vagy 20 darab...Egyszer az akkori legjobb barátommal hullarészegen vérszerződést is kötöttem. Megvágta a kezem kicsit, majd nekem kellett az övét, de nem vitte a kés, míg meg nem szaladt és egy puncit nyitottam a tenyerében „szétbasztad a kezem” mondta, de aztán be kellett varrni az ügyeleten...Például a mi szobánk volt a koliba a legmocskosabb, be is jelentették a kollégiumi gyűlésen a seniorok, jöttek emberek, hogy „hello, azt hallottuk, hogy ez a legdurvább szoba, jöttünk megnézni..”. Szó szerint vérzésig tomboltunk, eszeveszett állatok voltunk, folyton késsel játszottam, mindig véres volt a kezem, azzal is aludtam, sokat..Egyszer a többiek szó szerint szétvertek egy gitárt és azt rágták...Legdurvább punkkoncertekre jártunk, véresre pogóztuk magunkat, színpadról ugrottam, stb. Rengetegszer kerültem olyan helyzetbe, hogy „erősebbek” szét akartak verni, de sosem lett ez. Valahogy azt éreztem, hogy sebezhetetlen vagyok, hogy igazából nem lesz bajom – és ezáltal nem is lett. Mindig hajszálon múlt, de megúsztam. Nem úgy, mint a többiek. Néha kaptak egyet-kettőt. Vagy huligánoktól, vagy mikor zsaruk kaptak el, mert randaríloztunk, stbstb... Kegyetlenül lázadtam, nem tűrtem semmit és senkit sem el felettem. Pánknóták, hardcore, heavy metal volt a kedvenc zeném, folyton ezeket hallgattam...

Internetes csetelős szerepjátékba folytottam minden nem a totális lerészegedéssel töltött időm, szinte azzá váltam, Egy MultiUserDungeon nevű játékban játszottam, ahol a karakterrel kellett kiírtani különféle területeken szörnyeket a kasztomnak megfelelően: varázsló voltam. Számtalanszor meghaltam és ilyenkor a katedrálisba kellett „imádkozni”, hogy feléledjen aszellem karakter, hogy újra tudjon tárgyakat megfogni, kommunikálni és pénzt gyűjteni, fejlődni: a könyvtárban pénzért tanulni vagy különböző területeteken ölni. Pl camelot(arthur, lancelot stb), pl arábia(mameluk, dervis, patkány), stb. Rengeteget játszottam, profi lettem, aztán rengeteg karaktert csináltam, volt olyan dolog is, hogy törvényenkívüli. Ez azt jelentette, hogy már nem csak a gép által 15 percenként újragenerált „szörnyeket” ölhettem, hanem a többi törvényenkívülit is – ergo többi játékost. Ez volt igazán a kihívás, klánt szerveztünk, öltünk,csaltunk, bugokat kihasználván előnyöket szerezvén „jutottunk el a maximumig”, de oly intenzíven játszottam, hogy már szövegeseket álmodtam – de a szobatársaim is, akikkel együtt csináltuk ezt. Ebben a játékban találtam egy lányt, aki szerelmi bánatában belémhabarodott, sosem volt az esetem, de végre, végre! Férfi egóm táplálkozhatott, szeretkezhettem, a lány nem volt szegény, de nagyon hisztis volt, már-már önbántóan. Emlékszem először nyaltam a punciját és nem tetszett a szaga, de annyira akartam nyalni, annyira csináltam, hogy rosszul lettem pusztán a szagától...De aztán megszoktam.AKARTAM..Hetente-kéthetente találkoztunk, sokat szeretkeztünk, aludtam náluk, igazából a nővére tetszett mindig is, aki meg folyton incselkedett velem, s a barátnőm idegrohamai kitörtek néha s aztán kb 8 hónap után egy gyors reggeli szex után kidobtam, de még az állomásra menet meg is bántam, mert ahogy kísértem, ez kb 3 órába telt, mert folyamatosan zokogott. Kegyetlen voltam, de muszály volt, mert már bunkó voltam vele stb.

Amint ennek vége lett(még mindig napi 10-12 órában a netes játéknak éltem), az egyetemi szerveren rámcsetelt a C. Bostonból, hogy mi újság, nemsoká hazajön. Így is lett, találkozás, egy kis meggybor, majd szex. Fel sem fogtam, rettegtem, vártam, hogy mikor mondja, hogy csak vicc, egy újabb fájdalom, stb...kellett pár hónap, mjg rájöttem, hogy „tényleg szeret”. Azt mondta, hogy nem talált jobbat amerikában sem. Hitetlenkedve tapasztalta, hogy valahogy nagyon-nagyon felfejlődtem a szexben, mert eszméletlen jó velem. Ezt a másik lánynak tulajdonította, akivel előtte jártam. Egyre kevesebbet voltam a szobatársaimmal, C-re fókuszáltam. Gyakorlatilag teljesen vele foglalkoztam, a barátaim nem örültek persze, majd ki is költöztünk a kolijainkból(ablakon másztam be hozzá), s együtt éltünk. Mindent feladtam érte, és mégsem volt az „enyém”. Féltem, egyszer egy nagyobb férfi egó „elveszi” tőlem, akörül lett C. a neve. Ő is félt, féltett, mert sok lány vett körül, nekem fel sem merült soha, hogy kelljenek, hiába ittam 5 lánnyal és részegen hemperegve csiklandoztuk egymást itt-ott egy ágyban pl. Ok egyik lánnyal lehetett volna, de C-t választottam és ebben sosem döntöttem másképp, én, mint a végletek embere. C. nem bírta, ő is ugyanezt csinálta, csak neki be-becsúszott ez+az haha. Ez nekem lényem legmélyéig hatoló, akkor úgy tűnő, hogy sosem múló sebeket ejtő érzés volt. C. aludni kezdett, napi 13-16 órákat aludt, élvezte álmait, repült, stb. Sehogy sem volt jó, akkoriban ismerkedtem össze közelebbről B.vel, akit az egyetemi koliba költözésem napján már megismertem. Legendás piások voltak, velük sítáborba is mentünk párszor, de ott is csak féltékeny voltam meg viták meg görcs volt. Például akkoriban C. antiallergén gyógyszereket szedett és egyszer ivott rá és míg én részeg voltam, egy helyi fickóval hempergett a hóban. Iszonyatosan kínlódtam. Ami tetszett, hogy gondolat nélkül suhanok a sílécen, egyként a természettel, de Cicát sose tudtam utolérni, mindig gyorsabb volt. Régebbóta síelt.

Akkoriban C. vett nekem egy számítógépet ezer dolcsiért, azt mondta, hogy visszafizetem majd, ha sok pénzt keresek abból a tudásból, amit azon a gépen tanulok meg. Tudtam, hogy saját számítógép nélkül tényleg esélyem sincs, belementem. Sosem láttam annyi pénzt, amikor fogtam a dollárt, néztem és nem éreztem semmi különöset, de valahogy mégis. Egy-két szobatársammal tagjai lettünk egy öntevékeny csoportnak, akik mélyen, szinte már projekt-szinten foglalkoztattak halgatókat a Java programozási nyelvben, linuxon, ez sokkal több gyakorlatot adott, mint amit kellett tanulni, amik csak tényleg az elmélet voltak, meg némi gyakorlat. Tehát ott szakmailag gyakorlottá lettem. Lediplomáztam, B. is, össze is költöztünk Budapesten.

Budapest, Drogok, Fehér Fény

Könnyedén találtam munkahelyet(erős volt már akkor a szakmai CV-m, öntevékeny csoport, nyári ösztöndíj, egész jó gyakorlat programozásban stb), havi 200e jött(előtte havi 6e volt a költőpénzem), elkezdtem füvezni. A Fü furcsa szer volt, a legeslegeslegelső alkalommal iszonyatosan féltem. Nagyon nagyon nagyon. Bongból szívtam egy slukkot és gyakorlatilag nem éreztem semmit. Aztán mondták, szívjak mégegyet. Aztán mondtam, hogy furcsán érzem magam és a barátom mondta, hogy azért csinálja az ember, hogy “furcsán érezze magát”. Mindenféle képzetem volt, hogy a függöny mögött van valami, vagy a barátaim kibeszélnek, mikor kinnt voltam pisilni stb. Nem tudtam beszélni. Egyáltalán nem, pedig tudtam, hogy telefonálnom kell! Annyit tudtam mondani, hogy “NekemTelefonálnomKell!”. Erre odanyújtottak felém egy telefont, de képtelen voltam beszélni! Nem értettem, hogy a másik két barátom hogyan tudnak beszélni, hogy nevetnek, viccelődnek, élvezik a zenét. Körbement egy mikrofon, effektezve, beleszóltak, de én nem tudtam..aztán jött egy másik arc, szívtak még én csak ültem és pislogtam...aztán kimentünk a kínaiba,át kellett mennünk egy 4sávos úton, s én biztos voltam, hogy a kommandó elkap mert drogoztam és hogy elütnek az autók. De aztán nem. Aztán bementünk a kínaiba, a többiek rendeltek kínait, én nem hittem el, hogy a nő magyarul beszél, igen erős akcentussal és nem bírtam ki nevetés nélkül „cípősz, nemcípősz”. Ki kellett mennem, míg a többiek ettek... De a félelem a fűvel nem jött többet annyira, érdekesnek találtam, elkezdtem változni. Látszólag képessé váltam kezelni az érzéseim, a gondolataim is “magvasabbá” váltak, stb. C. közben Debrecenben fejezte be az egyetemet, hétvégente találkoztunk, el is távolodtunk. Mind fizikailag, mind tapasztalásilag. Anno, még az egyetemen C. adott egy könyvet, Feldmár András, Tudatállapotok szivárványa. Háromszor is elolvastam egymásután, nagy hatással volt rám, de nem igazán értettem.Kifejtette hogy nagyon félüsek vagyok és a haláltól, és “misztikus tapasztalatokról”, speciálisan ayahuasca, 5-MEO-DMT és LSD, és a családi bevésésről szólt, embereken segítésről gyógyszerek nélkül és R.D Laingról, az ő tanítójáról stb... Közben sok veszekedés, munka, pénzszórás, fűszívás. Elkezdtem más zenét hallgatni, trip-hop, ambient. Massive, Tricky, Portishead, Radiohead, Tool stb...

Aztán jött az LSD. B. mondta, hogy ez olyasmi, mint a fű, csak erősebb, és hogy utána többet fogok takarítani(disznó módjára éltem a mocsokban).

2002.02.21-én ettem először egy 2/3-ot, mely igen intenzív volt, és úgy éreztem, hogy ez kevés volt. C akkor, mikor épp bevettük a savat, mondta, hogy vége, szakít velem, most mondja meg, nehogy azt higgyem, hogy a cucctól mondja ezt. A legviccesebb az volt az egészben, hogy másnap papíron összeházasodtunk, hogy zöldkártyát kapjon, s a családja pl nem is tudta, mert nagyon vallásosak voltak.

Az LSD-t úgy éreztem, mint egy eszköz, mellyel az elmémmel tudok bánni. De azt éreztem, egy egész kellett volna, mert ez így nem volt elég. Emlékszem, hevertem az albérletünk nappalijában, a sok szemét közt és majdnem eggyé váltam az egésszel,az egész rendszerrel, azt éreztem, hogy én is egy ilyen szemétdarab vagyok csak a szobában, mely most ideiglenesen itt hever. Éntelen eszméletlenség volt, de egy icipicit valami megmaradt abból, amit arra használtam, hogy definiáljam magam – ergo csak beleszagoltam valamibe, amin nem láttam túl, de borzongatóan mély volt és erős..(Lehet, hogy a Unified Consciousness Field volt az).

És mindezután a „magas” tapasztalat után emléxem szexeltem C.vel és üres voltam és valahogy áttetsző, de nagyon sötét és ragadós egyszerre, és az orgazmus elég intenzív volt, jobban mint máskor. Akkori új lakótárs volt a S. nevű arc, aki nagy hatással volt rám, mert nagyon laza volt, nagyon gátlástalan és folyton szívott és szerette az LSD-t. Hát el is mentünk 2002.04.30-án egy dnb partiba, aholis életemben először úgy tapasztaltam, hogy leállt az elmém.

Még egy megállóban bevettünk felet-felet,a másik felet leejtettem, kerestük sokáig a sötétben a fűben, de kiderült, hogy nem is..haha, majd mentünk a parti felé. Már akkor úgy éreztem, hogy csúszok ki valamiképp abból a képből, amiben addig voltam, hullt szét az a kép, amivel azonosítottam magam...Aztán odaértünk, rengeteg ember állt, tipikus parti: 2 bejárat: VIP és normál – a VIP-be mennek be méltóságteljesen a kiválasztottak, mi meg ott nyomorgunk a tömegben, hogy bejussunk..Kicsit olyasmi volt, mint a láz. Úgy 40 fokos...Mondtam is a havernak, hogy hmm mit is, most hunyorítok...ki vagyok facsarva kívül belül..valami ilyesmi...erre oldalbalökött, hogy qss! Évszázadnyi idő után bejutottunk, én már akkor úgy éreztem, hogy a testem oly könnyed én meg oly nehéz vagyok belül és minden oly durva volt, minden olyan szögletes volt, amit csináltam, a testem nagyon intenzíven éreztem, hogy mint amikor fogsz egy nagy sziklát és összeszeded magad, hogy HMMMMPF most felemeled és aztán elkezded emelni és az HUSS csak úgy megy...mintha nem is lenne súlya, mintha az erőm megszázszorozódott volna, mint amikor az egérkurzor mozgatásának érzékenysége maximumon van, és egy picit megmozdítod az egeret és azt se látod, hogy hova lett az egér, olyan sokat mozdul...meg mintha lapátol fura volt, de bejutottunk, mentünk a chill részre, én akkor már feltétel nélkül követtem S.t, éreztem, hogy ez a trip most erősebb, pedig még csak a felit ettük meg...beültünk két óriási fotelba és a HOME CLUB neonfelirat a falon, a dj által kevert NAGYON HANGOS törtütemű zenére lassan, de biztosan imbolygott, folydogált! EH! S. kirakta a maradék fél-fél savas bélyeget az asztalra –mindeközben mindenhol számtalan ember, vagy ezer - és kérdezte, hogy na? Erre megfogtam az egyiket, rátettem a nyelvemre és KLING bevettem. Ő is. Hátradőltünk és onnantól kezdve hm kb olyan érzés volt, mint amikor neót szedték ki a mátrixból, de komolyan (hisz akkor már láttam a filmet, de anno nem igen értettem..) Tehát aztán S. mondta, hogy nézzük meg a táncteret, és be is mentünk, rengeteg ember volt, de tényleg(épp most találtam ezt a képet erről a partiról..)

és amire emlékszem, hogy nem láttam messzire, csak azt, hogy ahova lépek, azt látom, de azelőtt egy végtelen szakadék van, egy üres semmi, és, hogy egy-két méteres gömbben tapasztalok, azon túl pedig az örök végtelen káosz semmije tátong /tombol. S. hamar megtalálta a helyét a tánctéren és táncolni kezdett, míg én fel s alá járkáltam a tömött füstös folyosókon, Uvben vibrált a sok arc, nagyon sok kétségbeesett eltorzult arcot láttam, és aztán egyszercsak a folyosón álltam, egy emberekből álló élő falban, a fel s alá mászkáló emberek között és úgy éreztem magam, mint egy sarok, mintha egy halszemoptikával néznék és én mozdulatlan vagyok és jönnek-mennek a lények. Úgy éreztem, hogy hogy is, szóval, hogy mindenkibe belelátok, mindenkiben azt látom, ami...Aztán sétáltam, benéztem a tánctérre, rengeteg kérdés jött, folyamatosan jöttek kérdések, S-t kerestem, hogy kérdezzek vagy valami mert egyre kevésbé fogom fel mi is történik...a tánctéren tombolt a DnB, ezrek táncoltak, mindenhol emberek lógtak, iszonyat forróság volt, semmi levegő, füst, sőt zöld lézerágyú tombolt és az emberek ahogy táncoltak, fölöttük lézerembereket láttam táncolni, amelyek a kivetülései voltak az alább táncoló embereknek, és hogy annyira hangos a zene, hogy képtelen vagyok tovább gondolkodni, annyira intenzív, annyira erős, éreztem a mellkasomban, a tüdőm apró pórusaimban, belőlem jött a zene, én voltam a zene, olyan volt, hogy csak VAAAAAAAAAAA és VAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Aztán leállt a zene, volt egy ilyen hang hogy tunk tunk tunk tunk egyre lassabban, egyre jobban és úgy követtem az elmémmel ezt a hangot és mindenki ott és egyszerre és mindenki együtt és aztán csend és ááááááááá aztán egyszercsak újra indul a hang TANG TANG TANG lassan, lassan, egyre gyorsabban, az emberek sikítanak, ÁÁÁÁÁ aztán egyszercsak olyan gyors már a TANGTANGTANGTANG, hogy egybefüggő, folytonos hang hogy TAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANG és aztán újra indult a törtütem és az egész tömeg egy higany folyamként táncol és aztán se kép se hang, csak néma csend, eláraszt mindent valami folyadékszerű fehér fény és nincs tovább és amire emlékszem, hogy veszek egy levegőt és több semmi...

Teljesen leállt minden, teljesen feloldódtam a Fehér Fényben. Eggyé váltam vele tán órákra, idő tér egybeért,itt semmi emlék nem volt, csak intenzív eszméletlen fehér fény mely mindenbe befolyt és ezzé váltam és magam sem tudtam mi az, csak egyszercsak x idő után beindult újra a rendszer, és arra emlékszem, hogy néztem a tenyerem és csak azt tudtam mondani és gondolni, hogy „Mi van?” Mi van? Aztán Most akkor mi van? Mi? Járkáltam fel s alá, ahogy a zárt partikon ilyenkor kis ösvényekben mint a hangyák folydogálnak az emberek és nagyon sokan és arcok arcok arcok de én csak arra vagyok képes, hogy ez a MI VAN? És Mi van? MI VAN? Ez nagyon sokáig volt, és képtelen voltam ennél konkrétabban gondolatot formálni...Belül nem volt semmi, mely választ adott volna, emlékszem sétáltam és leültem és MI VAN? És ez volt az összes fogalom, mely rendelkezésre állt, semmi több, tehát ezt abba kellett hagynom egy időre és tetteimben találni meg az értelmet...Néztem az emberekre és sok szempárba néztem, de kevés volt, aki(nagyon-nagyon kevés) aki úgy nézett bele a szemembe, hogy na az én szemembe néz, mint énrám, s nem csak egy arcra meg szemre mint egy kép az orra előtt, nagyon kész volt mindenki, teljesen eszeveszett pokolnak tűnt az egész, egy értelmetlen idegbeteg korlátolt kiút nélküli börtön...az emberek furcsának néztek, azt hitték józan vagyok, éhséget éreztem, ürességet a gyomromban, hát mentem a büfébe s szendvicset kértem, de ez egy vámpírdrogbarlang volt, a büfés csaj úgy nézett rám, hogy szendvicset kérek, mintha egy géppisztolyt kértem volna, vettem egy üdítőt és a papírpénzt automatikusan kivettem a tárcámból és a csaj el volt foglalva azzal, hogy kitöltse és furcsa macskaszerű démonszerű kifestés volt az arca és ijesztő volt, és ahogy támaszkodtam a magas pulton, kezemben a papírpénzzel, ránéztem a pénzre és wow, nagyon bonyolultnak tűnt, hihetetlen mélységek voltak a pénzen, a sok geometrikus ábra a színek a mélységek, beszippantott egy az egybe, csak bámultam a pénzt, nem tudom meddig, s aztán felnézek és a lány kinyújtott keze előttem: várja, hogy odaadjam a pénzt, a jóisten tudja hány éve, húh odanyújtottam neki gyorsan és visszaadott, amit meg se mertem nézni, csak megköszöntem és arrábbhúzódtam...aztán egy idő után láttam, hogy jönnek kabátos emberek, valahonnan..Ekkor még mindig nemigen volt gondolat, csak tett és reakció...Ok,okozat...A bejárathoz jutottam, és aztán nem láttam az ajtót, csak azt láttam, hogy szó szerint egyszercsak a falból jönnek ki emberek! És aztán megkérdeztem, hogy hol a kijárat, az ajtóval szembe állván, mire is az izmos öltönyös biztonsági rámutatott a falra, és akkor ott lett egy nagy fémajtó! Kinyitni nem bírtam, segített, semleges arccal nézett rám,mint egy démon tartotta az ajtót és azt kérdezte: Visszajössz még? Nem érettem, nem fogtam fel, aztán ott volt egy lány is, s kérdezte, hogy Visszajössz? Mii? Visszajössz még? Mii? VISSZAJÖSSZ MÉG IDE? ÓH! Igen! S erre kaptam egy karszalagot vagy pecsétet, passz, majd a nagy security ahogy tartotta az ajtót, még mindig: Kiléptem a friss levegőre. Az egy élmény volt. Csattanva bezárult az ajtó, s elöntött az ingerroham:Először is rájönni, hogy nem csak az a parti van, a levegőtlen füstös, zsúfolt, űr-UV-parti lézer füstgép NAGYON HANGOS törtütemű zene, hanem van kinnt, van friss levegő, fák, ég, és nemmessze taxik, rendőrautók voltak, és akkor esett le először életemben, hogy itt valami nagyon nagyon nem stimmel. Bennt mindenki teljesen önmagából kivetkőzött szanaszétdrogozott ember, vagy ezer; kinnt pedig a rendőrök békésen vigyázzák mindezt.<

Visszamentem, már más volt. Már benne folytam, tudtam menni, láttam egy méternél tovább, megkerestem S-t, aki „csak” táncolt végig egész éjjel, s éreztem nem tudok kérdezni tőle, meg nincs is kedve beszélni, mert táncol, mint a gép...majd lassan hazamentünk S-el, szó nélkül, s emlékszem ő még órákig járt fel s alá a szobájában, mire el tudott aludni.

Sose láttam olyan embert, mint ő: sosem olvasott semmit, erős volt és határozott, mindig el volt foglalva drumandbassal, kocsikkal, munkával és szívással és tánccal – vagy csak nézte a tvt mint egy szobor vagy aludt...olyan szabadnak és mégis olyan elveszettnek tűnt, egyáltalán nem boldognak...inkább mint valami démon, de nem rosszindulatú...C mindig azt mondta rá, hogy pszichopata, de nem volt az...

Én egy ponyvát olvastam Steve Perry, a Férfi, aki sohasem hibáz, ami arról szólt, hogy a konföderációt egyetlen egy ember képes volt megijeszteni, úgymond megbillenteni és annyi katonát eltenni láb alól, hogy egymaga megváltoztatja a rendszert, és, hogy képezte magát és apró altatótűkkel dolgozott, és fél évre estek kómába a katonák és pont akkor bukott le, mint a kantin csaposa, mikor fél év elteltével az először elaltatottak felébredtek, de addig több ezer katonát, számtalan osztagot hatástalanított, mint a „lázadók, az ellenállás” egyes egyedül. Meghatározó élménynek tűnt, naplót kezdtem el írni, bizakodtam, tudtam, hogy most valami nagy Reset volt, gondoltam, majd kialakul. Életemben először nagyon nagy bizalmat éreztem. Később rátaláltam az Aikidóra, a Zenre, sokat ültem, csak ültem, a tó tükre elsimuljon. Képessé váltam, de sosem adtam be a derekam, sosem törtem meg, sosem tudtam feladni. További LSD-ket ettem, de olyan sosem volt többé, oly intenzív, oly erős, oly „kielégítő” mindent átható egybeolvadásos kiengedés”. Aztán egyszercsak egy x. LSD-élmény hatására valami megtörtént, az elme ismét kikapcsolt, de úgy, hogy voltak közben emlékeim. Ezeket persze, miután újra beindult az elme, fogalmi szinte hoztam, majd gondolati úton manipulálva következtettem belőlük, kerestem azt, hogy Mi van. Elég sűrűn LSD-ztem, miközben rendszeresen cannabist szívtam és Aikido edzésekre jártam. Rájöttem, hogy senki sem tud semmit, mindenki a Matrixba van zárva,még az aikidó senseiem is, akinek olyan képességei voltak, amit még sose láttam előtte, speciálisan hogy fegyelmezze az elmét és fókuszálja és harcművészetek, de a felesége egy szörny volt és uralta őt rendesen, amit ő nem is vett észre, vagy ha igen is valamiért alárendelte magát neki. És, hogy igazából nagyon kevesen vannak, akik egyáltalán megkérdőjelezték azt, hogy lehet ezen túl is valami, hogy lehet gondolatok nélkül élni. Az egyetemi barátaimtól(kivéve B-ék, akikkel füveztem) elfordultam, láttam, hogy az anyag rabjai, a fotel, a tv, a kocsi, a hitel, B-ékkel voltam, füveztem és elszállt spiritualizmusban leltem menedéket, amik foglalkoztak hasonló élménnyel, mint az LSD, mint a halálélmény, mint szellemvilág, mint abszolút valóság és hasonlók. Ettem LSD-t egyedül, ettem társaságban, ettem városban,ettem természetben, barátokkal, idegenekkel, ettem partin, ettem mindenhol, ahol úgy éreztem, hogy félhetek teljesen szétdrogozva, hogy „szembenézzhessek vele” – hogy bebizonyítsam, hogy nem félek. Mert félni azt féltem, továbbra is, csak megtanultam kezelni, elfolytani. Gyomor fekély, gyógyszerek, majd egyszercsak továbbléptem ezen, elmúlt a görcsösségem, a fekély, minden. Zenei ízlésem átalakult: Massive Attack, Tricky, Portishead, PI c. film, stb...

Cicával tovább romlott a helyzet, továbbra is együtt voltunk, már alig szexeltünk, mondta, hogy ha így füvezek, nem fog felállni a farkam, és óvatosságra intett...A munkahelyen néha a managerek nyomasztottak, amit C-n vezettem le, nem voltam többé kedves vele, s a szerelem már rég elmúlt, de többé nem tudtam elfolytani ezt kimutatni. A menedékem, mely eddig C. volt, most az LSD lett meg a Fehér Fény.

Következő alkalommal a pszichedelikus közösségről, a buddhizmusról és specifikusabb Fehér Fény élményekről fogok írni.

Köszi, tala

Story of my life 2/3 - University, drugs, experiencing the White Light

University in Debrecen

(hereunder i use some letters as names: C was my wife for a while, B, and S. were who I lived with)

We were ten people in one room in the student hostel, I was very scary at that time, on the first day, when I was moved there was the last day that my mother made hot cacao for me – as before she did on almost every day in my life. It was not soo cool, I felt like an imprisoned animal in the city, I had to go outside under trees, for getting less intense some strong depressing feeling and the roommates were different kind of guys, but almost liked to being drunk, more and more, what almost everybody did at the university around me and I did not want to do it, my mother’s view held out in me for quite some time, but I also went with the others to pubs and I drunk cola and about after one month I drunk alcohol at first time, when I was being told to drink a rum – and as I was held my first short in my hand, one of roommate said to me: “Do not forget, you have to start once on the steep, s after that there is no turning back.” The short went down easily in the begining – after as I drank, my inhibitions went away – as I started to drink more, I could dance with girls, but I could not dance, I never could speak with girls...they liked my “seemly innocent” nature of wildeness what I had, the handlement of me, the predictableingess of me how I was.

Meanwhile I still could not sleep, I had terrible dreams, massacres, death, hell, satan, falling, fear, etc...Once I met with a cute psychologist girl(she was on learning that), who were around to find somebody to fill her test. She liked my wild glance and bit barbaric behavious, and I also helped to her in “the case of computer”, what in she was stupid, and even hated too. Sometimes we met, she realised I was very clever and her studies she could “put through on my brain”, so like that she learned what got teached. Of course soon I started to like her, and in that times I did not experienced girls to coming to me, and she also realised that she could open me with some vodkas. I fell into love, she had shame spending time with me with her psychologist friends, who called me behind me “demented”, and she even not admitted to herself that she loves me a little. She said that I have no chance, because “she liked the muscled boys”, who were more “manlike”, and I was never like that, even I did not liked those kind of guys, it hurted me much this whole story. Hopelessly I started to drink more, as all of us in my room, we were totally maxed and we had taken every opportunity for “party”. I did not give a shit for exams, and my fears did not weakened. Even I started to forget those, because after a time I could not open myself for her, because something rough came to surface and I had became to an animal. As I forgot, as I could play the male ego, what she wanted to find in men. Inbetween I lost my consciousness in exam, only from fear, from fear from I will be kicked out and I should have to go into factory to work and I will become like my family.

I was terribly frightful, plus I got a thesis what I knew, but yet I lost my mind, it was too much. With C(cat-like is she) there was something, but never what I wanted, to be fully “mine”, and I even did not know how I could to make pleasure for her, I just tampered her thingy haha, it was failure, and of course as she just “took” mine, I was blowned away, ejaculated, she was the first girl who touched that.

I remember some of my dreams what I never forget: I am in a cemetery, between immersed tombstones, in the hard ground, there is fog and night. I was there with full of consciousness and the Reaper himself stood near of me, frankly, the hooded one, Death himself. I did not see his face, just he asked me: “Do you want the power?” – I was frightened, I did not wanted power from him, I did not understand what was going..In another dream I experienced my throat was cutted, I felt that my skin on my neck, nerves, larynx was cut by the sharp, cold blade and my hot blood flooded the silverly metal and I felt instantly coldness, better and better and in one moment my body started to chilled, getting gold and in one moment my chest became cold too and the world swinged away: my body leaned off like a sack and I had experienced that in my head, and while that I had tried to kick forward, for “do havoc into my attacker”, but my foot powerlessly just moved a little and the whole vision went away soon and in the night at the student hostel I woke up, and I screamed extensively, and I put my hand onto my neck and I gasped and I was frightened. Meanwhile I’ve became good friends with roommates, we became quite big drinkers and we did big parties, I drunk more alcohol, those friends tried to speak me down from C, because they felt pain because i was down of her, but I said “you do not understand/do not feel that”...I had problems with the exams, because I never learned, I experienced failure, second-exams, the roommates were fucked up too, because of their inner experiences...

I was totally exhausted, after 3 bottles of wine I started to smile, about “ok, let’s go party”. Nerve, fear, stress, fail, moneylessness, I felt me as a defencelessness, helplessly drifted wreckage.

Around me everybody was similar, every day was totally fucked up, fear from exams, terrible, jackal, bleeding parties we did, animal-likeness, rebelling...Once C has escaped from me for a friend, and I followed her and she rejected me again and at this time I cried many many many. I was sitting in the stairway, and one guy came out from somewhere and threatened me with his fist, about hitting me apart. It was totally unaffected to me, I did not feel anything, I just looked him tottally bursted out. Then C came out, took me in and we spoke much, after that she went to sleep. I sat into the window, and I felt like: no more, now it is over. I jump out. And in that point something happened. Something, something changed. Like an angel came to me and husssssss, the desire for jump out went away. Since that I did not cried. From that point I did not sobbed, many times I experienced tearing, but so intense cryout, like on that night, never came back again. I had promised that I wont feel pain because of women.

C soon flied to US, she escaped from me, and Ive became a sucidic wreckage. It happened for example one roommate saw me on the street and catched my clothes and pulled me back from the experience of tram hit me, and I even did not perceived that, I was totally burnt out zombie who just walked up and down.

After, after-after that slowly I climbed back my previous-like life, except this thing with C and I supressed that.

Meanwhile with my roommates we made astonishing parties, we did jackal animal-like drunkeness, we stealed much, in general glasses, but for just break them, for being 20 of them on my desk...Once with my best friend we made blood-contract. He cut my hand a little, and I had to cut my hand, but the knife was not so sharp, so I forced much more and “I opened a pussy in his fist” – he said “you fucked out my hand”, but after that it had to be needled at the duty. For example our room was the most dirty in the hostel, it was announced in the student’s hostels gathering by the seniors, and strangers came into the room to look around about “hello, we heard this is the most rough room here”...Literally we raged until bleeding, mad animals we were, I was played always with kinives, I had always bleeded my hand, I slept with my knife too...Once the others literally smashed out a guitar and they chewed those parts...We had visited the most rough punk concerts, we did pogo until bleeding, stagediving, etc. Manymany times I got situations like “strongers” wanted to smash me out, but never occured. Somehow I always felt like “I am invulnerable”, that truthfully I wont have problem – and like that I did not had. There was always like a hairthread what saved me...not like others...Sometimes they got one-two. From hooligans, or when cops catched us, because we were did chaos in the city etc...I was brutally rebel, I could not bear anything or anyone upon me. Punksongs, hardcore, heavy metal were my favourite music, I was listened theese...

I escaped into chatting internet roleplay when I did not spent time on being drunk, where I had to obliterate monsters on various territorries, regards to my cast: I was wizard. Many times I did in that game, and I had to go into the “cathedral” to “pray” for rebirth, for regain objects, for being able to communicate, to collect money, to advance: in the library for money to learn or kill on various territorries. For example camelot(arthur, lancelot etc) or arabia(mameluk, dervis, rats) etc. I played many many many, Ive became professional, after that I made many characters in that game, and there was a thing like outlawed. That meaned I not only could killed those monsters what were regenerated in every 15 minutes, but the other outlawed too – the other players. That was the real challenge, we formed clans, we killed, cheated, found bugs, for using them to making advantages for “reach the maximum”, but I played so intensely that I dreamt textually, but some roommates too, who also did that. In that game I found a girl who was sadness of love and she started to love me, she never was my case but at last my male ego could eat, I could did fuck, and the girl was not poor(I was, she gave me food), but was very hysteric, even self-hurting. I remember I was licked her pussy at the first time in the kitchen of my student hostel, but I did not liked her smell, but I wanted to lick so much, I did so much that I became unwell from her smell...But after that used to. I WANTED. We met weekly-2 weekly, we made “love” much with condome, I slept at her family, but truthfully I always liked more her bigger sister, who always talked jestingly with me, and my girlfriend got hysteria sometimes, and after 8 months, after a short morning sex I ejected her, and while i escorted her to the station – it was 3 hours – she cryed constantly, so I felt some offending, but I had to do it, because I started to be shit-kicker.

As it has finished(still played 10-12 hours on that net game), i got chat on university’s server with C. from Boston, about whats up, she will come home soon. It happened like that, meeting, little cherrywine, after that sex. I even not realised that, I was horrified inside, I was waited for her saying that it is just a joke, a newer pain etc...I needed some months while I realised that she “really loves me”. She said that she did not find better in america too. She was in refusing to believe that somehow I very-very improved in sex, because amazing cool was with me for her. She attributed that to the other girl who I was with before. I started to be less time with my roommates, I focused on her. In practise I was spending all my time with her, my friends of course were not happy about it of course, after that I leaved my room from that student hostel(I had to climb to her in window before), and started to live together. I gave up everything for her, and she still was not “mine”. I was fearful from that once a bigger male “ego” will take her from me, around in that time she got that name of C. She was also afraid too, she jealously guarded me, because I was arounded with many girls, for me even in my brain did not come up about I should need “them”, even when I was drunk with 5 girls and we tumbled and tickled each other here and there in a bed for example. Ok with one girl could be something, but I choosed C, and I never changed my mind, so I was stable in that, me, a man who was a man of utmost points. C could not bear that, she did the same too, but she did something little more.. For me that was like scars what caused never lasting, enormous pain in my inner core of my very being. C started to „sleep”, she slept 13-16 hours in a day, she enjoyed her dreams, flied, etc...It was never good on any way, in that time I started to get to know with B. who I saw at the first time when I moved to the student hostel of the university at my very first day there. He and his friends were legendary drinkers, we went with them to skicamp sometimes, but there also I was also jealous and arguments and I was crampy. For example in that time C. took antiallergic pills and she drunk some onto it and while I was drunk, she wallowed with a local guy in the snow. I was horribly suffering. What I liked, that I was sweeping on the ski without thougts being one with nature. But I could never reach C., she was always faster. She started skiing more before than me.

In that time C. bought a computer to me for thousand dollars, she said that I will pay back, if I will get many from that knowledge what I will learn on that machine. I never saw so many money before, when I was holding that dollar, I watched it and I did not feel anything but special, but somehow yet. With one-two roommates from the college we became members of a amateur group, who were deeply, almost like on project-leveled we worked with Java programming language, lectures, linux, it gave me much more practice than what I had to learn, what were only really just theoretical stuffz, with very little practice. So there I became practised in my skill. I got diploma, B.too, we started to live together in Budapest.

Budapest, drugs, experiencing the White Light

I had found a job easily(my professional CV was strong then, self-motivated group, summer degree, quite good in programming etc), for 800euros I earned in a month(before that I got about 15 euros for a month), I started to smoke marijuana. The ganja itself was very stuff, at my first experience I was terribly scared. Very very very much. I was smoked a sip from a bong and in essence I did not feel anything. After they said, do smoke another one. After that I said I feel strangely myself and my friend said the man does this for „feeling strangely self”. I got many concepts about behind the curtain there is something, or my friends speaks me out when I was peeing etc..

I could not speak!!! Not at all! But I knew, I need to phone! All I could to say „I MUST PHONE!”. But like very fastly „imustphone” haha. Afther this I was showed a phone, but I could not speak! I did not understand, that my other 2 friends how they can even speak, laugh, joking, enjoying music. A microphone were go around, with effects, they said something into that, but I could not..after that another guy came, they smoked more and I was just sitting and blinking...after that we went out into a chinese food, we had to across a 4stripped street, and I was totally sure about the commando will catch me, because I used drug, and the cars will hit me. But after that: not. After that we went into that chinese food place, the others ordered food, I did not believed that the woman is speaking hungarian, she had very strong accent and I could not endured without laughing „cpicy, nocpeacy”. I had to go out while others were eating...But the fear with the marijuana did not come up like that again, I found it interesting, I started to change. Apparently I could bear to handle my feelings, my thoughts became „seedy” etc. C in that time at the university in the other city was finishing the diploma, we met at weekends, we started to be far from ourselves. Even phisically, even in experiences. Before that, still in the university she gave me a book, Feldmar Andras: rainbow of consciousness states. I read it 3 times in succession, It influenced me much, but I did not understand it as well.

He explained that we are so scared and about die, and „mystical experiences”, especial ayahuasca, 5-MEO-DMT and LSD, it was about family inprinting, helping on people without medicals and about his teacher R.D. Laing and things like that.

Meanwhile arguments, work, spending money, smoking ganja. I started to listen different music, trip-hop, ambient. Massive, Tricky, Portishead, Radiohead, Tool etc...


After all LSD came. B said that is like the ganja, but stronger one, and haha after this experience I will more clean in room (I lived like a pig in dirt).

2002.02.21 was the date when I ate a 2/3 blotter, what was quite intensive, and I felt like that was not enough. C than, when we just took the acid, said to me, that is finished, breaks with me, and says this now, before the effects will come, for not will be like that will be said from the acid. The most funny was in that, next day we married by paper, for getting green card for her, and her family even now does not know this marriage, because they are very religious. I felt the LSD like a tool, which I could handle my mind. But I feld like I should get a whole one, so I felt like I was not enough to break trough in my mind, but almost. I remember, I was lying on the appartman’s livingroom between many stuff, garbage and I almost became one with the whole system, I felt like I were too like a piece of garbage, but something very little remained, what I used for to define me – ergo I just smelled into something, what I could not see trough, but was shiveringly deep and strong...(the Unified Consciousness System probably)...

And after all theese “high” experience I remember I made sex with C. and was like empty was me just somehow littlebit transparent I was but very dark and sticky at the same time, and the orgasm was quite intense, more than others...

In that times, new person started to live in that apartmann, called S, who did big impression to me, because he was very loose, very uninhibited and always smoked and he did like LSD. So he and me went to a drum and bass party at 2002.04.30, where I experienced at the first time that my mind stopped.

At a tram’s stop we took a half acid, and I dropped another half, we searched much in the dark in the grass, but after I realised I did not dropped it haha...after that we went to the party’s direction. I started to experience on the way that I am slipping out somehow from that picture, what in I was before, fell apart the picture, who I identified myself with...After that we reached the party, manymany people were standing there: typical party was: 2 entrance: VIP and normal – into the VIP i saw the ones went in magestically, and we were wretching in the mass to get in...littlebit it was like a fever. Around 40...I well said to S that -what I said, now I wink- “I am screwed out in and outside as well” or something that...and he pushed me just silently at my left part, about psst! After a century we got in, and I felt in that time like my body is so strainless and me inside is so heavy and everything was so rough, everything was so angled, what I did, I felt my body very intensively, like when you take a big rock and you get your act together to lift it up and after you start to lift it up and it goes like HUSS just like that...likely it does not have weight, like my strenght could be on maximum, or like when you move the mouse, and the cursor’s sensitivity is on maximum and you even do not see where the cursor is gone, it moves so much...and like I could shovel a mountain without becoming tired, but after all, we got in, and we went straight into the “chill” part, and in that time I followed S without condition, I felt this trip now is much stronger, but we took only the half of it yet...we sat into 2 giant armchair and the HOME CLUB neonsign on the wall was flowed,flickered slowly but surely – as the DJ mixed the VERY LOUD breakbeat music! EH! S. put out the another half ones acid blotters onto the table –meanwhile there was numberless people around everywhere, about thousand ---and S asked “Well?” Onto this I took one of that half, I put it onto my tongue and CLING I took it. He too. We lied back and from that point hm it was quite similar feeling when in the movie Neo has been pulled out from the system, really(I saw before that movie many times, but even I did not understood it really). So after that S said, let’s look the dancefloor, and we went in, there were many people, but really, like that(I just found this pic from that party)

And what I remember is that I could not see so far, just only that where I step, only that, but front of that there is an endless precipice, an empty nothing, and that one-two meterlike sphere is where in I experience, and beyond that there the eternal endless nothing of chaos is gaping/storming. S soon found his place in the dancefloor and started to dance, while I walked up and down in the thick smoky corridors, the many faces were vibrating in UV, I saw very much desperated, deformed faces, and after that once I experienced myself just standing on the corridor, between other people, making together one more layer on the corridor on both side to surround the walking beings.

I felt like myself like a corner, like I see trough a fish-eyed optical and I am moveless. I felt like I could see into everybody, I could see everything what is in erverybody..After that I walked around, I looked into the dancefloor, many many questions came up, continously, I was looking for S for asking something or somewhat because I started to get less and less what is happening...In the dancefloor the drumandbass stormed, thousands of people danced, everywhere people were hanging, there was dreadly hot, nothing air, smoke, yet green lasergun raged around and the people as they danced, upon them I saw laserpeople danced, whose were projections of the belowed people, and that the music was so loud so I could not even think more, so intense, so strong, I felt it in my chest, in the porules of my lung, the music came out from me, i was the music, it was like like only VAAAAAAAAA and VAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

After that the music stopped, there was a sound like that: TUNK TUNK TUNK TUNK, on an on, more slowly, even more and as I followed this sound with my mind and everybody there and at the same time and all together and after silence and ÁÁÁÁÁÁÁ

After that suddenly the TANG TANG TANG started again, slowly, slowly, faster, even faster, and people screamed, AAAA after that was so fast like TANGTANGTANGTANG so continously sound like TAAAAAAAAAA and after that the fast break beat restarted and the whole mass like a quicksilver stream danced and after that no picture no sound, just quiet silence flooded everything like liquid White Light and no more and what I remember I take a breath and no more...

Everything stopped totally, I totally dissolved in the White Light. I had became with that for maybe hours, time space met, here I do not have any memory, only intense unconscious White Light what flew into everything and I had become to this and even myself I did not know what it is, but suddenly after x time the system restarted, and I remember that I looked my palm and only I could say and think that “What is?” And What is? WHAT IS? (what is happening, what is this, what what? What is this, etc. In hungarian this is literally 2 words: what and is). This was for so long, and I could not form any thought more concretely. What? I was walking up and down, as like in theese parties in theese times in little paths, people like ants flowing and very much and faces and faces faces but I can only to do this WHAT IS? And What is? What IS? This was very very much time and I could not be more concrete like this, like more else...

Inside there was nothing, what could give an answer, I remember I was walking and sat down and WHAT is? And only this was all thought what I got, nothing more, so I had to stop this for a while and to find something in my deeds, to find the “meaning” or the (mind itself?) in my deeds...I was looked at the people and I looked into many eyepairs, but there were very smal, who(very-very small) looked into my eyes like “they were seeing into my eyes, as to ME, and not only just to look to a face and eye, like a picture at the front of their nose, everybody were so fucked up, it seemed like a totally mad hell, a crazy meaningless neurotic restricted prison...the people looked me strangely, they perceived me “sober”, I felt hunger, emptyness in my stomach, so I went to the chill’s buffet and I asked a sandwitch, but that was a vampiredrugcave, the girl in the buffet looked at me for asking a sandwitch like I should asked a machinegun, I bought a refreshment drink and I took out the paper money from my briefcase and the girl was still busy to fill it out to the glass and she had like strange catlike demonlike painting was her face and was scary, and as I leaned on the high counter, with the paper money in my hand, I looked on to it and wwwwow, it looked very complicated, amazing depths were on the money, the lot of geometric illustrations, the colors, the deep chasms, sucked me in one moment, I was just staring the money, I do not for know how much time, after that I looked up back and the girl was there with raised hand front of me: waiting for getting the money, god know for how many years, huhh I just hold out quickly and she gave me some, what I even not dared to look, just thanked it and moved along...after while I saw that coated people are coming from somewhere...In that moment I still could not think only deed an and reaction...cause,effect...Once I reached the entrance, and I did not see the door, just I saw that people literally are coming out from the wall! And after that I asked that where is the exit, right there standing at the front of the door, and the muscled suited security showed onto the wall and there manifested a big metal door! I stepped there suddenly, but could not open it, he helped me, with neutral face looked at me like a demon was holding the door for me and asked that: Do you come back? I did not understood it, I could not interpreted it, and there was a girl too and asked :Do you come back? Whaat? DO YOU COME BACK HERE? OH! Yes – I literally could not imagine who wants to come here, so I could not interpreted that, but like that I realised I came with a guy who is still in, so I said Oh, YES! So I got a bracelet, or a seal, and as the big security was still holding the door : I stepped out to the fresh air. That was a moment.

The door was snapped aloudly, stimulies flood me: At first to realise, there is not only that party exists, the airless, smoky, crowded, space-UV-party laser smokemachine VERY LOUD breakbeat music, but there is an outside, there is fresh air, trees, sky and not so far away taxies, policecars were standing and after that I realised at the first time in my life that here is something very very wrong. Inside everybody was totally bended up totally from theirselves totally out-drugged people, about thousand one; but outside the policeman were guarded all of this peacefully. ????? Thoughts came, system, control, layers, etc...

I went back, it was so different. I was flowed in that, I could walk, I could see more than one meter, I found S, who just „danced” all over the night, and I felt like I can not ask from him, even he do not want really to speak, because he was dancing, like a machine...after that we went home, without words, and I remember he was just walked up and down in his room, while he could fell asleep.

I never saw man like him, he never read anything, was strong and determined, always was busy about drum and bass, cars, work, and smoke and dance –or he just looked tv like a statue or slept..he seemed so free but on other way so lost..more likely than a demon, but not malicious..C always said that he is psychopath, but he wasnt...

I was reading a pulp fiction, it was Steve Perry, „The man who never misses”, was about that there is a man who himself can scare, overbalance the whole confederation, to pull out so much soldier for changing the system, and, as how he trained himself and he worked with little altatotu and he could put the soldiers for a half year into coma, and he was fallen as the bartender of the canteen, when this half year passed and the ones who awakened, identified him, but until thousands of soldiers, many squads he neutralized, like the “rebels”, the “resistance” alone, what they never figured out, and he planned all of this on awareness. It looked determined for me, I started to typing diary, I had confidence about the future, I knew here was some kind of reset, I thought, it will forms out. At the first time in my life I felt very big confidence, but not with me, but like with the whole system and inside me for example as an ant....Later I found aikido, Zen, I sat much, just sat, for smoothing over the mirror of the lake. I could silenced my mind, but It was like an ability for a moment, I never gave in my weist really, I never broken up I could never give up. I continued consuming LSD, but like at the first time, I never experienced, so intense, so strong, so “satisfying” all-pervading release. After that once on one acidtrip something happened, like mind switched off but for a moment, but like inbetween I still had like some memories about it, so I do not know...It happened, mind stopped for a moment, and after restarted more strongly, I started to manipulate with memories with thoughts, I wanted to figure out what is happening. Quite often I took the acid, while continously smoked cannabis and practiced aikido. I realised that no one knows anything, everybody are locked in the matrix, even my aikido sensei, who had abilities what I never seen before, especially about disciplining the mind for focus and martial arts but his wife was a monster and she owned him extensively what he did not even mentioned or if yes somewhy he submited himself under her. And that of in truth there are very some people only who are questioning that about there could be more over this, about to live without thoughts. I turned over from my friends from the university(except B. and friends who I smoked), I saw that they are slaves of the material, the armchair, the tv, the car, the credit, I was with B and S(they did not liked each other), I wanted to escape, and i spaced out into spiritualism, to find a refugee, again not in me but who mentioned similar experiences like LSD, like death-experience, like ghost-world, what is absolute reality, etc. I took acid alone, I took acid with company, in city, in nature, with friends, with strangers, on parties, i “ate” it everywhere where I felt I could fear on totally acided, to “facing” with that – to prove to me that I am not scared. Because I was scared still, but I learned to handle it, to supress. My small intestine ulcer, inside was too much acid, I got little hole inside me, medicines, and after that I stepped over on theese somehow: my knottiness passed, the sickness, everything.

With C our things went on the wrong way, we were together still, but we not really “sexed”, she said as I continue smoking, my dick wont stand up, and dared cautionness me...At my workplace managers weighed down me, what I droved down on C, I stopped to be kind with her, love gone, but could not supress to show this up. My refugee, what C was before, now LSD and White Light became(acid in slang also white light oh shit;)

Pilgrimage in spain

We even went to pilgrimage together, to reform our relationship on Camino de Santiago, in Spain, it was amazing, just walk, and all day in nature, not much money, we had 3 more friends who after a time started to show up does not like C. because she owns me and she was like silly goose in their eyes...After some days I experienced some strangeness, something started like I was on acid, but from not struggling, just walking...Once I had a very strange experience, at a pilgrimshelter I met a girl who was french and she was quite beautiful but I did not speak her...But anyway was full moon, and in that time I could not sleep more than 4-5 hours, and everyone slept in, and I went out to garden to experience moments under the sky, and this girl she was so strange for me, and we sat and I experienced so much braveness, so much freedom, so much some kind of me, what I never saw before...just like siting and speaking not even more than 20 words...and my wife came out and she did not dare to come to us, but was huge problem for her...And after that(nothing happened, once our shoulders touched accidently, that’s all), but my wife was extensively jealous, and I was at the same time very strong, like others came on the pilgrim way like slow donkeys, and I ran with my heavy backpack, and climbed up to everything, and running back like who has infinite energy...It was amazing, and day by day I met with this girl, but never happened more than some words and C started to freak out, I was honest about not this girl is special but something else was and now I am like (poor bastard) more free...and of course I did not given a shit to C and friends made joke because I fucked, haha but not, never cheated, really, and once I lost the way on pilgrim road, I was always like that: I walked fastly much, and after just was lying and enjoying to one with nature...so I went forward next day and some german girls came, they were so cute and spoke and singed to me together and one started to get sunstoke, and accidently we went to on another way, what leads to the same city, but was 10km longer...and we did not have many water, but that girl always stopped under sun(there was very hot, Spain, summer) and I was like so determined about I pouring all water onto her head because she didnt looked well...and after she became better, and we saw a dried river, and in that saw many many many sheeps was directed by shephard and his dogs, and many sheep was injured, exhausted from the hot. But all followed each other...Was so strong experience poor animals...

After that I met with C at the guesthouse, and we were very happy, about drinking water and was no problem...after that C was not so happy about I appeared with 4 cute german girls in top who were also happy, and was strange...And next morning C felt down from the stairs and her ankle went out extensively, and we tryed to continue the walk, but after some kms didnt worked...She went into hospital, and we were fucked, we stopped pilgrimage, we went up to the see into a camping and she took rest, and I walked upon a 481 m high mountain, I had to climb up and I was curious about I will find the answer upon there and after that I reached the top and I saw some bulls and cows were watching me on their face like “wha?”... ok about pilgrimage that was enough, after that we continued by bus, and at the end C could walk slowly limping, and one more! At Lavacolla, near Santiago, there were an airport, and I was stood front of the fence, and I saw a plane landing front of me and from my total heart I wished that if only the brake of the plane could not work, it will be a relevating moment as it hits me extensively, but didnt happened....We reached the end of the pilgrimage, we got paper of it, and we got back to Budapest and started to live together in Buda.

Next time I will write about psychedelic community, travels and buddhism, and some more specific White Light experiences and search for truth, finding desteni.

thanks, tala

Related to previous post, about dream

related to this dream:
But it is important...in the night, when my living mate returned from country, I was told him about that dream in his room...At the time I woke up without any thought - 2 days ago-, there was a strange thing...when I opened my eze and I saw a picture, as my face was in my own spit on the black blanket. But not like in that...but like behind the picture I existed, but even, like the picture...And as I focused to the picture, I became that...my spit, what was wet and converged with my face, with my mouth, with the blanket. I was the puctire, the picture of the body, and I focused to my body, about from that perspective like from my head I look down to my chest. And it was transparent!
It was just a picture, and inside that little systems were floating in the vacuum, and those little systems determine that, actually now what I identify with, who am I, what...
I can refer to Hitler's experiences, but different, not like an event, but theese words what I write now, I lived that, like the words, not more, not less.
So I translate the Structural Resonance, to be specificly see, what I have became, and how to focus the self-forgiveness, to release my systems - theese are the primary causes, why I can not breath. Apropo, breath..
To be breath..as I breathed, I was the breath, I was my breath what was my whole body at the same time, unambigouous and one. Actually this is that breath, what drives my present.
But as I woke up, I became scared, and from that that's it, that is that breath, what needs to adhere. But NOT! As I adhered to the breath, I started to adhere to the systems in me, my mind slowly started to wake up..I opened the door, for getting even better, even fresher air to keep my amalgamation with my breath up, not to fade...Separation..fear...I leaned out and I started to suck deeply the air, as I breathed intensely, but this is the other part of the horse, now I see, this fear - this is devotion and after some moments I felt like my lung tears up from this, and the winter dawny cold, and after all of next day:yes(terday) my body was weak, and all of day we did music with a friend, and after he went away and took a bath and after I lied down to "rest", than I reallised this, this was fear. So when I was leaning out from the window, simply from my pain, the manifested fear what I experienced, how my mind started to wheel up, my dependency extensively expanded to this mind.

---
I started to infuse my guitar practises with saying aloud self-forgivenesses together, because I am afraid from act, in my acts my breathe is shallow, goes to "background" and I even forget it, and this sucks. So I act while breath.
But the breath is also strange, because be the breath, without concretising this in my mind...thus this happens while I have system inside me...
It is ridicuolus, how I was the slave of those "mystical experiences", what I experienced while I "meditated, drugged, sexed", and those were nothing with that who I am really, like the life as the breath as me as equal and one.
thanks, tala

Elfelejtettem leírni

ezzel az álmommal kapcsolatban:


Pedig fontos ...este, ahogy a lakótársam visszatért vidékről, meséltem neki az álmomról a szobájában...Amikor úgy keltem fel, hogy nem mint gondolat -két napja-, volt egy furcsa dolog...amikor kinyitottam a szemem és egy képet láttam, amint az arcom a saját nyálamban a fekete pokrócomon. De nem, mint benne, hanem mint a kép mögött léteztem, de mégis, mint a kép..És ahogy a képre fókuszáltam, azzá váltam..a nyálam, ami nedves volt és egybefolyt az arcommal, a számmal, a pokróccal. A kép voltam, a test képe, és a testemre fókuszáltam, kb abból a perspektívából, mint ahogy a fejemről nézek le a mellkasomra. És átlátszó volt! Egy kép volt az egész, és benne apró kis rendszerek lebegtek a vákuumban, s azok az apró kis rendszerek határozzák meg azt, hogy most mivel azonosulok, ki vagyok, mi...
Hitler élményeihez tudnám hasonlítani, de mégis más, nem csak egy élmény, hanem ezek a szavak, amiket írok azt éltem meg, mint a szavak, nem többet, nem kevesebbet.
Tehát a Szerkezeti rezonanciát fordítom, hogy specifikusan tudjam látni, mivé váltam, s hogy az önmegbocsátást mire fókuszáljam, hogy el tudjam engedni önmagam rendszereit - ezek az elsődleges okok, amiért nem tudok lélegezni. Apropó légzés.
A légzés lenni...ahogy lélegeztem, a légzés voltam, a légzésem voltam ami az egész testem volt egyszerre, egyértelmű és egy. Tulajdonképpen ez az a légzés, mely vezeti a jelenem.
De aztán ahogy felkeltem, megijedtem, s attól, hogy ez az, ez az a légzés, amihez ragaszkodni kell. Pedig NEM! Ahogy ragaszkodtam a légzéshez, ragaszkodni kezdtem a rendszerekhez bennem, az elmém kezdett lassan felébredni..Kinyitottam az ablakot, hogy minél jobb, minél frissebb levegőt kapjak, hogy a légzésemmel való egyesülésem ne tűnjön el. Kihajoltam és mélyen beszívtam a levegőt, s közben intenzíven lélegeztem, de ez a ló másik oldala, most már látom, ez a félelmem-- ragaszkodás - s egy idő után úgy éreztem széthasad a tüdőm ettől, meg a téli hajnal hidegétől és majdnem egész nap fájt a tüdőm, a testem gyengébb volt,s egész nap zenéltünk egy barátommal, s mikor csak elment és lefeküdtem fürdés után "pihenni", akkor realizáltam ezt, hogy félelem volt...Tehát mikor ott lógtam kinnt az ablakon, egyszerűen a fájdalomtól, a manifesztált félelemtől indult be az elmém, a függőségem eszméletlen módon kiterjedt erre az elmére.
Elkezdtem a gitáron való gyakorlatokat összefűzni a hangosan kimondott önmegbocsátással együtt, mert cselekedni félek, a cselekedeteim közben a légzésem felületes, háttérbe szorul és ráadásul el is felejtem, és ez bukás. Tehát cselekszem s közben lélegzek.
De a lélegzés is furcsa, mert a légzés lenni, anélkül, hogy konkretizálnám ezt az elmében...vagyis hát addig ez történik, amíg van bennem rendszer...
Nevetséges, mennyire rabja voltam azoknak a "misztikus élményeknek", melyeket anno tapasztaltam "meditáció,drogok, szex" közben, s semmi közük nem volt ahhoz, hogy ki is vagyok valójában, mint az élet, mint a légzés, mint én mint egy és mint egyenlő.
Köszi,tala.